The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 24, Episode 3 - Adventures in Baby-Getting - full transcript

Oh, man, not another election.

Why do we have
to choose our leaders?

Isn't that what we have
the Supreme Court for?

(humming)

If you're gonna vote,

we'll need
some photo I.D.

But I lived here all my life.

Stopping all Americans
from voting is

for the protection
of all Americans.

But I'm a 40-year-old white guy
who didn't go to college

and gets all his news from
monitors at gas stations.



In you go.

Barack Obama?

I don't know.

I already got one wife
telling me to eat healthy.

Plus he promised me
death panels,

and Grandpa's still alive.

Mitt Romney?

I hear he wears
magic underpants.

I expect the leader of the
free world to go commando.

Plus his horse totally choked
at the Olympics.

On the other hand,
he did invent Obamacare.

COMPUTER VOICE: Thank you for voting
for Mitt Romney.

You may now see
his tax returns.

Wow. Medical deduction
for personality implant?



He's got six wives
all named Ann.

The government paid him taxes
for five years!

I've got to tell the press!

(gasping)

COMPUTER VOICE:
You are now being outsourced.

Oh, I hate being sucked
into tubes!

(grunts)

Well, at least I got
a steady job.

D'oh!

Oh!

(humming)

(bubbling)

Hummingbirds, hum and get it!

(chuckles)

(chirps)

(yowls)
(chirps)

Homie, the faucet is dripping.

I'll get right on it.

Homer, when are you going
to fix this faucet?

I'm on it!

Are you going
to fix the faucet or not?

For the third time
this year, yes!

Hmpf!

# The Simpsons 24x03 #
Adventures in Baby Getting
Original Air Date on November 4, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

"I'll get to it, Marge.
I'll get to it..."

When we first got married,

he'd only take six
months to do things.

Mom, how come you didn't do
my homework last night?

(all gasp)

(all scream)

Oh, no!

Lisa's face, it's the same!
(chuckles)

Everyone, relax.

I think I've got an emergency
sinkhole kit in here somewhere.

(grunts)

(grunts)

Ooh!

(air his

Oh, man, I got to climb stairs?
Forget it.

No one stays in the sinkhole!

Lousy surface dwellers.

So, what seems
to be the problem?

Springfielders are getting
that sinking feeling...

(chuckles)

...as the dangerous sinkhole
continues to expand.

While this sinkhole is larger
than the Sarlacc pit

which swallowed Boba Fett,

it is smaller than the Geonosis
battlerena

where Jango Fett was beheaded
by Mace Windu.

Weren't those two places
about the same size?

I didn't know
this was an ambush!

Eh, you know, in this town,
you learn to adjust to things:

runaway monorails,
NASCAR star Jeff Gordon.

Hey, Moe.

Hey.
Bet we never see him again.

I'm gonna call
it a day, Moe.

(humming)

(gasping)

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

That plank's
only for coming in!

(gasping, screams)

Try to land on
the other traitors.

(men grunt)

People of Springfield,
please be cool like Lou.

Yo.

We will eliminate one eyesore
with another

by bulldozing our tire fire
right into the sinkhole.

But my car's down there!

For the first time,

my administration has solved
a problem.

The hole has been filled by the
thing it fears most: stuff!

(gasps)

(crowd cheering,
camera shutters clicking)

(groans)

(bell rings)

(kids laughing)

So, just when
my dad finishes

his online degree
in Sinkhole Engineering,

they go and fill it in!

Are the credits
transferable?

No.
That guy has a bone to pick

with the Board
of Regents.

Hey, Lisa's not
getting on the bus.

Where's she going?

I don't know.
Dork farm? Who cares?

She never doesn't do
what she's supposed to!

This is major!

Fine.
We'll follow her.

Well, if they're not taking
the bus, neither am I.

I'm going to a accident!

Lisa's taking a cab?

I'm worried.

Does she even know
how much to tip?

(tires squeal)

What's it say?

"The five boxing wizards
jump quickly." Whoa.

My sister's finally become...
mildly interesting.

Sounds like a case
for the "Detecti-pals."

Taxi!

(horn blares)

Ah, they never stop
for blue-heads.

Hello, ma'am.

Are you and your husband here
to look for a new car?

No, I'm here
to buy one myself.

Uh-huh.

Well, I think the Tissan
Sensibla is the car for you.

It's got all
the features

that a modern
woman wants,

including all manner
of makeup mirrors.

This car looks
a little small.

Is the engine powerful?

Wow, somebody
knows her cars.

This baby comes with
an RX-12 2-cylinder.

Well, that's odd, because
the consumer Web site says

the RX-12 2-cylinder has

a dealer's invoice
of $14,700.

(chuckles)
You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna talk
to my manager.

This says you are the manager.

Those Web sites are taking food
out of my children's mouths.

It says on your Facebook page
you have no kids.

I have two Yorkies,

and I'll be talking
about you to them tonight!

I got to hand it
to you, Marge.

You got the exact amount
of car for our family.

Room for two adults, three kids
and zero grandpas.

Mm-hmm.

Uh-oh!
Do you hear that rattle?

I don't hear anything.

Me, neither.

(sniffs)
And what's that smell?

I think it's "new car smell."

Well, I don't like it.

(tires screech)

(humming)

(humming continues)

(kids cough and groan)

I still smell it!

(starter chugging)

Darn car won't start.

Let Automobile Von Bismarck
give it a try.

(engine starts)

Well...

Hmm. Well, it wouldn't
start for me.

(hushed):
I think this car's a lemon!

(groans)

Worst car ever!
I can't believe it!

Hmm...

(groans)

MARGE:
The wipers wipe backwards,

and the defroster lines on

the back window
are too close together!

Excuse me!

Sir, the car is fine.

Can I be straight with you?
Mm-hmm.

As a mechanic,
I'm not totally qualified

to judge mental health...

So, you're not
totally unqualified.

I think the problem
is in your wife's head.

Mm-hmm.

There's a psychological reason
why she hates this car.

Oh, a reason?
What could it be?

I'm sorry, but there's
no diagnostic computer

for the female mind.

Wow, an auto mechanic
who tells the truth.

Mmm!

If you want me to examine
your wife overnight,

I can arrange a loaner.

She's an '83 Yugo.

(Yugoslavian accent): I don't do laundry
or kiss boo-boos!

Uh, no, thanks.

Marge.
Mm-hmm?

Do you think maybe
there's another reason

you don't like this car?

Um, a...

"feelings" reason?

What are you talking about?

Well, maybe you and the car
got off on the wrong foot.

When do you think
things first went wrong?

All right!
I remember we all got in.

And by the way, that backseat
is pretty tight for the kids.

I mean, I don't know what we'd
do if we had another baby.

(gasps)

With this car, we're basically
saying no more babies.

No, no, Marge.

I want you to explore
your feelings.

Homer, the reason
I hate this car is...

I think I want another baby.

An "on purpose" baby?!

I do!

Oh, I really wish
I had fixed that faucet.

Homie, I want another baby.

What about, you know, "Stinky"?

Maggie's not a baby!

Her soft spot's
been skulled over

for the last three months!

Being a mom is who I am,
and I'm not done being who I am.

Okay, Homer, don't speak.

If you must make a sound,
whistle.

When your wife looks at you
full of hope,

with an idea that would
destroy life as we know it...

just smile, nod
and stall, stall, stall

until she changes her mind.

Whatever you want,
sweetie.

Well, take a shower,

'cause we're gonna
try it tonight!

All right!
"Try it" means sex.

Whoo-hoo!

Homer, why do you take
a three-second pause

before you answer
what I say?

Just appreciating...

how lucky...

I am to be...

with...

you.

What a wonderful thought.

(Homer, Marge laughing)

Boxing wizards.
Boxing wizards.

What's she up to?

Let's settle this
like adults.

Wands down!

Maybe I should go
on antipsychotic meds.

Bart! What are you
doing in my room?!

Lowering your blinds.

I'd hate for your carpet
to fade.

What are you doing Tuesdays
and Thursdays after school?

What do you do Tuesdays
and Thursdays after school?

Write stupid stuff
on the chalkboard.

And if you have any ideas,
I'm really running out.

Today's was "mousetraps are
not slippers" or something.

Now, what are you up to?

A gentleman doesn't ask,

and a lady doesn't tell.

Can I use that
on the chalkboard?

I guess.

Gentleman doesn't ask,
lady doesn't tell.

Now all I need is one for
Martin Luther King Day.

My husband and
I have been...

snuggling six ways
from Sunday...

And let me tell you,

a towel rack will not
support your weight.

But we aren't making a baby.

I thought we should check
to make sure Homer has...

you know, working
stuntmen in his cannon.

You were wise to check, Marge.

What do you mean?

(chuckles)

Take a look at this.

HOMER:
Ooh...

X's for eyes.

I guess...
that's that, then.

Honey, I am so sorry.

I guess we'll just
have to learn to love

the three children we have.

Oh...

BART:
Lisa's going somewhere

after school
two days a week,

and all we have
are boxing wizards.

If we're gonna find out
what Lisa's up to,

I'll need the help
of all her old boyfriends.

Guess we've all carried
the same books, huh, guys?

(scoffing):
She carried mine.

This just became
a tree house of horrors.

Whoa!
(thud)

MILHOUSE:
It's okay!

I landed on a mattress!

#

Whatever it is,
she's in over her head.

Way over.

We got to save
that poor girl.

Uh... anyone know
how we get home?

We got bigger problems.

It's Father Mike!

# Tura lura lural...

(gasping)

I can't believe

we're never going
to have another child.

Is everything okay
over here?

Sorry, guys.

Private family moment.

No, it's okay.

We can share this
with you.

Homer can't make a baby

because he nuked
his swimmers.

Aw, that's a shame.

Yeah.

That's why I wrap my plums
in tinfoil every day.

Eh, nothing we can do.

Hey, Homer... what if you got
back one of those samples

you sold years ago at
the Shelbyville Sperm Bank?

You never told me
about that.

It's true.

That's how I got the money
to buy you your necklace.

Aw...

Ew.

Homie!

We still have a chance!

Okay, Homer.

This is the moment of truth.

You've got to tell Marge you
really don't want another kid.

I, uh...

hope it's twins!

Eh, how bad could it be?

(shrieks)

Now, I'm thinking Alex
if it's a girl

and Xander if it's a boy.

Uh-oh. She picked names.

Who puts this much thought
into having a baby?

Stall, stall, stall!

Hey, uh...

Hmm...

Why don't we take
the longer but nicer

historic route?

Then today will be nothing
but beautiful memories.

Okay.

HOMER:
Watch it!

#

Ooh, a Christmas
ornament museum!

Can we stop?

Okay, but just for a minute.

We want to hit
the candle store, Fudgerama,

the Zipper Hall of Fame,
Snow Globe World

and the Taj Meatball.

I think that Shiva
used to be Paul Bunyan.

What's Detention
doing here?

I need to know
what's up with Lisa.

If her grades drop, we're not
technically a school;

we're a tornado shelter
with voting booths.

Nothing exceptional here.

Except...

blue reinforcements.

Only one person
I've ever known uses these:

my predecessor,
Principal Meredith Milgram.

(gasps)

Follow me, but be warned:

There's no permission slip
for what we're doing.

WOMAN: A quick
movement of the enemy

will jeopardize
six gunboats.

That's about three more
jeopardized gunboats

than I'd expect.

Thank God we brought
the bus driver.

Huh?

Seymour, what are
you doing here?

Taking four children across town

to investigate a piece of paper
we found on the ground.

Don't you have
better things to do?

Sadly, no.

Same old Seymour.

I know why they're here.

Because they can't
let me have a secret.

It drives them crazy.

LISA:
Cursive writing.

I'm learning cursive.

All these sentences have every
letter of the alphabet in them.

Ooh, don't they teach those
fancy squiggles at school?

Uh, we do not.

Outmoded, no room
in the budget,

and all the teachers forgot
how to make a capital "Q."

Two loops and a flourish.

Luckily, a few brave students
still want to learn.

I hope you're happy.

You all just wasted your time

working your way
into an afterschool class.

(horrified cries)

What fun!

(bell jangles)

I can't believe we spent
the whole day here.

(chuckles)

And I got to try every flavor
of candy cane: white and red.

Well, maybe we should
check into a motel.

(kissing noises)

MARGE: Ooh, Homie,
you've lost weight.

HOMER:
What's that, baby?

Wha...?

I'll take it
from here, wingman.

(chuckling)

Oh, it sure was nice to have
a day together as a couple.

Yeah, no kids to ruin it.

I thought the whole
point of this trip

was to have another baby.

Marge, I was just
being a good husband

by pretending to agree with you

while secretly
undermining your agenda.

So, you don't want another baby?

How long have you felt this way?

Uh, well, looking back,

I guess it started
sometime before Bart was born.

(whimpers)

Room for one, please.

(squeaking noise)

Honey, I'm sorry.

It's just that we have
a hard enough time

handling three kids.

Emotionally,
financially, the boy...

I just didn't know
how to tell you.

Just yell across the house
like you do everything else.

Okay, good, we're talking.

We're not talking!

Your phone just dialed me.

You were pocket-dialed!

Hey, the pocket wants
what it wants.

Oh...

They just leave the maple
syrup on the table, huh?

How about that?

That's trust, huh?
Shush!

MAN: Now, kids, help
your brother Xander.

There he is.

The fat, pathetic slob
I'd be with four kids.

Where's Daddy?

Where'd Daddy go?

Here he is!

(laughing)

Oh, right.

That dad was there all along.

Whew! That was so sweet.

Maybe there's no such thing
as too many kids.

MARGE:
I know what Homer's thinking.

He's thinking that he
really wants a baby now.

So this should be
the time, ironically,

that I'll change my mind
and not want one.

Well, no way!
I want one more than ever!

(grunts)

Uh-oh. I...

I don't think I rewound the
video the last time I was here.

Um, I'd like
to get back a donation

made 15 years ago
by a Simpson, Homer.

Or it may be under
the name Thad Supersperm.

Homer...

Homer, this is the point

where I really have to
know what you want.

I'll tell you
what I want, Marge.

I want to make another Simpson.

The table with four legs

is sturdier than
the table with three.

Cubes are made of cheese,
but pyramids are schemes.

And anything that's half you

is guaranteed 50% perfect.

Oh...

Nice speech,
but the last of your sample

was just selected
by another couple.

Are you sure there isn't more?

I mean, there's always

a little ketchup
left in the bottle.

I'm afraid not.

But the couple is waiting
in the room there.

Maybe you can talk them
into something else.

(Homer clears throat)

Aah!
Oh!

I'd like to buy back my sample.

Are you saying...

our sample came from you?

Here, it's yours.
We don't need it.

Well, I expected
a little argument.

No, no, no, look in the mirror--
that's your argument.

Geez.

I mean, I'm no Luis Guzman,
but I'm all right.

(Marge gasps)

Homer?

How many samples did you sell?

Uh...

remember that Corvette I had?

I thought they only paid
$50 a trip.

Exactly.

Well, we're all set.

Let's make a
Thad Supersperm Jr.

With a name like that,
he could be president.

Homie, maybe we should wait.

Wha...?

Maybe there's enough Homer
in the world for now.

Oh.

But I was really
looking forward to...

Oh... oh, boy. Uh...

You're right, Marge.

I don't want to bring more kids
into a world full of my kids.

Yah!

Two adults, please.

Enjoy the film, you two.

(laughing)

Another thing that would
be harder with four kids.

You know, I always send
the theater manager

a check the next day.

D'oh!

#

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

ALL:
D'oh!