The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 24, Episode 2 - Treehouse of Horror XXIII - full transcript

According to our Mayan calendar,

the world will be destroyed

at the end of
the 13th baktun.

Unless we appease the gods'
anger with a human sacrifice.

Don't worry. We got a guy here
we really been fattening up.

Is it you?

Not me. That guy.

More cricket fajitas!

Oh, my brave,
brave glutton.

I'll be so lonely when they
sacrifice you to the gods.

What?!



No one said anything
about a sacrifice!

Although I... I did kind of
space out during orientation.

All right already,
let's get this done

while our doomed civilization
is still flourishing here.

Oh. Any words of comfort?

Oh, yeah, sure. Even though
you know it's coming,

when you see
your own beating heart,

try to act surprised, huh?

It's some kid's first time.

Fear not, my beloved
blood offering.

I have a plan.

Tell me, High Priest,

are you interested in women?

What priest isn't?



Before we make love,

would you mind putting
a sack over your head?

Is there any other way?

Nice and tight.

Now enter the Room of Pleasure,
Ooh.

and I shall join you shortly.

Now, uh, I got to warn you.
I'm into rough stuff.

Ooh, that's a good start,
but, you know, make it hurt.

Heh. Ooh!

That whooshing sound
is really turning me...

Oh!

Uh. Oh, yeah. Ah.

Man, soccer's even boring
for the ball.

Quetzal H. Coatl!

We sacrificed the wrong person!

Now the earth will be destroyed
after the 13th baktun.

(shouting): Can you explain
that in simple Ancient Mayan?!

Of course. There's no
need to shout and scream.

Let's see, uh,

converting to base 10,

assuming for the birth of Jesus,

invent and then
carry the leap year,

and the world will end in 2012!

And it will be
Obama's fault!

Hey, uh, Marge,
I'm setting my watch.

What baktun is it?

13th!
Oh!

Oh! What have we here?

Ow!

What the hell!

♪ The Simpsons 24x02 ♪
Moonshine River
Original Air Date on October 7, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Ow! Ow!

Welcome to the grand
opening of our whatchamacallit,

which, thanks to the lobbying
of Lisa Simpson,

we built instead
of a new baseball stadium.

At least the pennant
works both ways.

Professor Frink will now throw
a switch, which will either

answer certain obscure
questions of subatomic physics

or destroy the universe.

Oh, my God particle!

What is it, Professor?

You can tell your
grandchildren you were here

when humanity finally learned
that this accelerator

is much too small to tell
us anything important.

Thanks a lot, Liser!

That money could've been used
for a war!

Aah! No one takes Willie's mop!

Take the mop! Take the mop!

Huh?

A mini
black hole!

Whee...!

Oh, no! I got to take it away

before more clueless kids
fall into it.

Geronimo...!

Wha...!

I's rich!

I's poor
and shack-less.

Lisa, do you

have a stray dog down there?

Um, it's a lot worse
than a stray dog.

Two stray dogs?!

It's a black hole!

That was gonna be
my next guess.

Are you sure
your next guess wasn't

three stray dogs?

Maybe.

A black hole?!

I'm sorry,
can we call it that?

Yes. It's
the preferred term.

And most scientists believe
that what enters a black hole

never comes out.

But some think they may be
a gateway to other universes.

Hey! Could it open
a pretzel bag for me?

Help a brother out, B.H.

Whoo-hoo!

D'oh!

Guys! Stop throwing
things in the hole!

The more you throw in,
the bigger

and more dangerous it becomes!

Come on. You can't look at that
infinitely dense little guy

and not want
to feed it something.

Dad, don't pat it!

Why shouldn't...

Why you little...

I'm nature's
perfect choking machine!

Okay, that's it!

I'm putting a baby gate
across the black hole.

And don't throw
anything more into it!

Yes, Homer?

Dad, that's
creepy.

Sorry.

("Gone Gone Gone" plays)

I know we shouldn't
feed this,

but grease
brings raccoons.

♪ Gone, gone, gone ♪

♪ Really gone ♪

♪ Gone, gone, gone ♪

♪ 'Cause you done me wrong ♪

♪ Done me wrong... ♪

♪ Ah, ah... ♪

Huh?

Oh-oh!

Quit bageling
my English muffins!

The black hole is looking
a lot bigger.

Does anybody want to admit
to throwing things in?

No.
Not me.

Do we even still
have that thing?

And I have to ask,
has anyone seen the cat?

Now what?

Okay, it's possible someone
may have started a business

called Magic Craphole
Waste Removal,

but it wasn't me.
Ew!

Yar!

Yar, ar.

Stop!

This is a black hole,
not a lawn-and-leaf bag!

If one more thing gets in there,
it could reach critical mass.

I did it!

I hit my first home run!

No...!

I'm still proud
of you, buddy.

And look! I got money
to take you for pizza!

You saw that I had
the money, right?

Welcome, trans-
dimensional visitors.

We have received
your many gifts with gratitude.

Haw-haw!

We have built our society around
the treasures you have sent.

Our most popular
magazine is

your Presidents' Day
Mattress Blowout insert.

Oufarite food
is your banana peel.

And we listen to
all our music

on the most wonderful
device ever created,

the Zune.

Zune, Zune, Zune.

Treasures? Gifts?
You've got it all wrong.

That stuff is
just our old...

- Wonderful stuff. Enjoy it.
- Zune.

Day 1: We bought this camera
because strange things

have been going on at our house
in the dead of night.

And if anyone finds this footage
after we're all missing or dead,

remember me as a hero.
Dad,

you forgot to pick me up
after Little League.

You tossed your car keys
in my bean plant.

A hero!

Homer, is that my camera?

Hero, away!

Night 1.

Want to snuggle?

Not with the camera on.

Uh, I turned
it off.

Looks like
the red light's on.

I swear I am
not filming!

Note to self--
edit out my lies.

Oh!

Wait! Don't kill the
monster without me!

I'm right behind you,
honey! We have stairs?

Ow! D'oh! Aah! D'oh!

What the...?
Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh!

What the...?

Why is this happening to us?!

I don't know, I don't know!
I'm sure I don't know!

Oh, sweetie.

Sometimes a mysterious,
invisible being from Hell

waits for a family to go
to sleep then kills them.

Now, go to bed.
But...

Uh-uh. School night.

Now, you're sure
I bought enough cameras

and extended warranties
to catch that ghost?

Sir, whatever happens
in this house,

these cameras
will pick it up.

Ooh, I can't wait
for tonight's massacre.

- Hey, Marge.
- Mmm...

Oh. Like
what you see, huh?

Mmm...

I like it when
you don't say words.

Come here, you.
Mmm...

Mmm...

Eh, eh.

Yeah, that's hellfire,
all right.

Someone in this family
has made a deal with the devil,

and now the devil
wants his due.

Now, remember, this creature
feeds on your fear...

What the hell was that?!

Actually, he feeds on
more than just fear.

Give back my baby!

We had a deal!

Mom, what's
going on?!

Don't act so
surprised, Marge.

You knew this
day was coming!

Let's see what
we're dealing with here.

It's Moe with wings!

Moe Szyslak?

Come on, he's much more
hideous and evil than me!

I brought this on us all.

It began when
I was a girl...

Hail Satan.

What are you doing?
Trying to summon the devil.

Why?
Nothing good on TV.

We have no boyfriends.

We're bored.
Something to do.

Hail Satan,
the Minister of Sinister,

Rude Dude with a Bad 'Tude.

Save us, Marge.

We'll never make fun
of any man you date or marry.

Mmm. Uh, Mr. Demon?
Mmm?

Could you... come back
for my sisters later?

Very well.
You have 30 years.

But when I return, Marge,

I shall take
your favorite child.

I thought I was
the favorite!

Not the favorite!
Not the favorite!

Listen, pal, you seem
like an honest guy.

Mm.

Is there any other deal
that you can accept?

Three-way.

Hmm. You,
me and Marge?

Mmm, demon,
demon, you.

I guess it's one of those
things a dad has to do.

Now, before we start,
what's the safe word?

Cinnamon.

Ooh, I like that.

Now, I'd like to try something
new, if you don't mind.

Cinnamon. Cinnamon.
Cinnamon! Cinnamon!

You know, it's
really not fair.

You're charging 200
bucks for a comic

that says 25 cents
on the cover.

The only way to buy that
comic book for 25 cents

is to go back to 1974.

That's impossible!

Mmm?

Or is it?

Wow, it worked!

My time machine has worked!

This is the most fantastically
powerful invention

in mankind's history!

Here, kid, hold my keys

while I grab
some lunch.

♪ ♪

1974!

I won't be needing this!

Now to get my comic book
and explore a world

where no one's mad
at George Lucas.

Eh, pretty good.
A little preachy.

Well, well, well, if
it isn't Homer Simpson

and Barney Gumble.
Hmm?

Allow me, gentlemen.

It's Homer!
Before his boobs came in!

Hey, Homer.
Who are you?

I'm your unwanted son
from the future

who killed all your fun!

Why, you little...

Excuse me.
Is this room 106?

(instrumental version
of "Close to You" playing)

Let go of him!

What kind of jerk
strangles a little boy?!

Would you go to
the prom with me?

Promenade? With you?

Forget it, bub!

It was love at first sight,
and you ruined it!

It was not love
at first sight!

What do you know?

I know who I'm in love with!

You're looking at him.
You're an idiot.

You're the idiot!

Don't act like I'm the first
person that ever said that.

You are the first person
who ever said that!

Shut up and go
to the prom with me!

Ay, caramba! If you guys
don't get together,

what does that mean for me
in the future?

I don't exist?!

Or my life

might be a hell of a lot better!

Ma'am, whatever you do,
do not marry that ape.

Mmm.

Whatever you say,
little boy.

Come here!

Now, to return to a future
where I'm either rich

or allowed to stand in front
of a rich guy's house.

Either way, better than now.

Stupid kid steals my future.

Well, I'm going to...

Ice cream with cookie dough?!

Unnecessarily big TVs!

Thursday Night Football?

And the globe feels so warm!

I am in awe of the future.

Okay, that's not so great.

Here's your smoothie,
sweetheart.

Why would I suck smoothie
when I can suck face with you,

Mrs. Artie Ziff?

My dad is Artie Ziff?

Indeed! Which makes you

Barty Ziff.

Oy, caramba!

Achem!

Good morning,
beloved son.

Enjoy your
luxurious life,

including your own
bully butler.

Will that be
haw-haw, sir?

Give yourself a wedgie.

Excellent choice.

I've met some jive turkeys
in the '70s,

but that turkey's the jivest.

Hey, you! This is
my peeping tree.

Young me? What brings
you to the present?

I traveled through space and
time to make Marge settle for me

because she doesn't know better.

Well, if we put
our heads together,

we could think
of a plan!

I got to ask,
what happened?

Was I in a forest
fire or something?

No

I love my life,
I love it not.

I love my life, I love it not.

You're just like
Indiana Jones, son.

A role played by Richard
Dreyfuss in our universe.

I'm here to take
my life back!

I thought this
might happen,

so I mastered
Brazilian jujitsu.

Crawl atop me,
and meet your doom!

Not so fast.

Say hello
to the United Federation

of Homers
Through History.

Crush them...

in the name of Jebus!

Okay, guys,
let's regroup.

We'll come back with more Homers

and start fresh in the morning.

("Close to You" plays)

Oh, what's she doing here?

I'll tell you
what I'm doing.

I'm realizing that
I married the wrong man.

Oh, you poor, sweet,
simple Homers.

I was supposed to be
with all of you!

Even you, Caveman Homer.

That's Renaissance Homer.

Well, cardinal
or cannibal,

I wish that 20 years ago,
I had chosen love.

Mmm...

Let me get
this straight.

None of you had time
to take out the garbage?

Make Egyptian Slave
Homer do it.

It's always me.