The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 24, Episode 1 - Moonshine River - full transcript

(pilot screams)

(exclaiming)

(school bell ringing)

(Barney belches)

(whistle blows)

(yells)

(playing the blues)

(tires screeching)

D'oh!

(grunts)

♪ The Simpsons 24x01 ♪
Moonshine River
Original Air Date on September 30, 2012



== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

This is Kent Brockman at the 1st
Annual Springfield Grand Prix,

which, like all our
town showcase events,

is not only poorly planned,
it's horribly executed.

(horns honking)

BURNS: The Making of the Empire
State Building,

Part One: The Basement.

(horns beeping)

(gibbering)

(cat screeching)

(tires screeching)

(screaming)

ALL:
Aw!

Wait for the gap...



Wait for the gap.

Homer, we can buy
Scotch tape tomorrow.

There's the gap!

(all screaming)

Gap's too small!

(screaming)
LISA: Huh?

(French accent):
A peloton?

Apparently, today is
also the final stage

of the Tour De Springfield
bike race.

Hey, that's some fancy riding.

(clattering)

(yelling, grunting)

Truthfully, today, there were
no losers and no winners

since both finish lines were
tangled up in this unholy mess.

(tapping)

I hear tapping from inside.

to the sounds of Scab Calloway
and his non-union band.

(tapping)

Uh, keep it down in there.

(Taser crackling)

(dance music plays)

So, is this a "date" date or
just a meaningless friend thing?

- Meaningless friend thing.
- True love super date!

Well, if you two ever get
serious and have a baby,

it'll look something like this.

Don't listen to Uncle Bart.

Lisa and I will raise
you in a house of love.

We're not having a baby.

Jimmy!

Oh, brother.

Let's dance.

Geek leak!

(laughing)

Hey, Bart, at least
I've got a date.

Dance with me, please.

I need to zing my sister.

Okay, but you have
to do your homework.

Just kidding.

I've given up on that.

Just move your girdle, Yertle.

Hey, Lise, your dance partner

just made the cover
Dorks Illustrated magazine.

I know that's a zing,
but still...

the cover!

Now, you listen to me, Bart.

Milhouse may not
be the perfect date.

Please let there be a "but"
coming, please!

- But...
- Landed it!

At least I'm with someone
who tries a little too hard

because he really likes me.

Hey, plenty of babes have docked
in Porta de Barto.

Yeah, for about a week.

But as soon as they
get to know the real you,

they departo de Barto.

That's why you're
alone tonight.

Oh my God, is that true?

MOE: Yeah, I'm afraid
Lisa's right, son.

If the late, great Nora Ephron
taught us anything, it's...

Oh! What's my other
inflatable doll doing here?

What? What?

I ain't here with no one.

Oh, man, Lisa's right.

None of these relationships
lasted very long.

BART:
Three days.

One recess.

Half a field trip.

Why did I have to get so needy
at the planetarium?

Boy, if anyone needs me,
I'll be taking a popcorn bath.

It's a thing I read about in
a Men's Health magazine

in a dream.

Dad, can I ask you a question?

How did you ever get a woman
like Mom to stay with you?

(scoffs) Look in the mirror,
unplanned miracle.

Is that the only reason?

Well, I also keep
things interesting.

MARGE: All right,
who took the microwave?

(laughing):
You see?

Hey, what are you looking at?

My ex-girlfriends.

Aw, boy, I feel for you.

Nobody likes to be rejected

and it never gets easier,
until you can drink.

Because then you can express
your unfiltered feelings

by drunk dialing.

Observe.

(slurring):
Hey, it's me again.

He's there, isn't he?

Well, I hope this
doesn't sound weird,

but I'm inside your closet.

Um, that's awesome, but I think
I'll visit my ex-girlfriends

and prove they still like me.

(cell phone rings)

HOMER:
Hey.

It's me.

I was thinking about you.

It's your birthday in like,
three, four months?

Would it be weird
if I threw you a party?

(knocking)

Eat my shorts!

Drop dead.

Eat fist, jerk.

You've got a lot of nerve
showing up here...

and not giving me a kiss.

Inappropriate!

I miss you.

Stalker!

Save me.

(rooster crowing)

Mary Spuckler,

you're my last chance.

She's pretty cute
for Cletus's daughter.

Yeah, she liked to drink milk
as a kid instead of white paint.

Is you one of my kids?

No, sir.

Prove it.

A, B, C...

All right.
All right.

You convinced me, Einstein.

What you want?

Is Mary here?

I'm afraid Mary done run off.

We knows not where.

Dadgummit.

Do you think she still likes me?

Um, hey, Brandine!

Does Mary still like this boy?

I don't know what
that girl likes anymore.

She ran away after we engaged
her to Old Man Wellbottom.

WELLBOTTOM: And I was gonna be
a good husband, too!

If'n I ever get
out of this well.

All right.
All right now.

That's enough out of you.

WELLBOTTOM:
But I just--

Oh, I can't believe
she ran away.

And this isn't helping.

I better switch
to the hard stuff.

Hey, Dubya.

I know where
my sister run off to.

New York City.

New York?

That's where Sesame Street is.

Do you ever wonder what happens
to Oscar on garbage day?

Yup, New York.

The big something.

This here's her address.

Good luck!

I don't know if we
should be up here, Bart Simpson.

BART:
And why is that?

(wood cracks, Bart yells)

'Cause the floor ain't finished.

Daddy just covers things with
hay and says they're done.

Mom, can we go to New York to
find this girl I used to know?

Bart, that's sweet,

but we'd need
airplane money, hotel money...

And $500 for Yankee tickets,
which turn out to be bogus.

Well, don't buy 'em.

But they're playing
the Purple Sox.

Come on, Dad,
you love New York.

Now, that your two least
favorite buildings

have been obliterated: Old Penn
Station and Shea Stadium.

Lousy, outdated relics!

Boy, do you remember
what happened

the last time
we went to New York?

(cool jazz playing)

Keep your meat hooks off
my sister Marge or my goons

will do a soft show
on your solar plexus.

You're dead, J.J.
Get yourself buried.

Tough cookie, huh, well, watch
me take a bite out of ya.

I'm about to go out shooting
and you just said who.

That's some lip you got on you.

How'd you like me to stretch it
like a rubber band

and snap you into last week?

You're selling milk, J.J.,
and I got a sour stomach.

Homer, that sounds like
The Sweet Smell of Success.

It didn't feel like success.

Why, ladies? Why?!

Son, you can
dial down the crazy.

Your mother and I talked
about it,

and we found a way
to get to New York.

It's all set, boy.

To save money,
we're swapping houses.

But don't the people wreck your
house when they stay in it?

I didn't say
I swapped our house.

Yeah, how ya doing?

We're staying here
for two weeks.

Lord, you're testing me,
aren't you?

Yeah, keep talking
to your friend up there.

We'll be doing it on your bed.

New York style.

Look at this place.

Things have certainly changed

since our ancestor
Fievel came here.

Fievel was a mouse in a movie.

Yes, and now look at us.

Only in America.

MAN: Khlav Kalash!
Get your Khlav Kalash!

Oh, geez, not this guy with
his stupid little pushcart.

50,000 square feet, huh?
All Khlav Kalash!

Used to be bookstore.

(laughs)

Books.

Come on, let's go find Mary.

This is the address
her brother gave me.

Can't Dad take Bart while
we seek out culture?

You do that.

You know you're
missing your clothes?

I thought this was
just a dream.

Oh, man!

All right, I'll spring
for a cab.

Much better.

CABBIE:
Here we are.

Anything you leave in a cab
you'll never see again.

(snoring quietly)

Hey!

Oh, uh, oh, thank God
you woke up.

(doorbell buzzing)

Oh, I guess my search
for true love is doomed.

You've learned a very
valuable life lesson, boy.

Which is that love
doesn't exist,

except briefly between a man
and a woman before marriage.

After that, it's just hanging
out with someone who kind of

hates you but you can't get it
together to leave.

I'll get us some ice cream.

What's the matter, darling?

Thanks for asking, Duchess.

I'm sitting here waiting for a
girl that's never gonna show up.

What makes you so sure?

Girls don't like me.

I don't really like them yet
either, but I think I'm gonna.

There's a storm
a-brewing down there.

Well, there's a girl
a-standin' right here.

It's me, Mary.

Wow, what are you
doing for money?

Well, it's not very steady
and I'm kind of ashamed.

I'm a featured player on
Saturday Night Live.

DON PARDO:
Mary Spuckler!

Aw, I'm lying.

My whole life here
is a bunch of lies.

I'm just a writer
with a performing option.

Let's talk about something else.

Something nice.

So, this is basically
what we can afford.

Okay, second balcony, partially
obstructed view,

no bathroom privileges
and you must stipulate that,

in emergencies, you can
change a spotlight shell.

Well, at least I'll be able to
say I went to a Broadway show.

You're not allowed to say that.

Oh, forget it.

So, Bart Simpson,
did you really come

all the way here
just to see me?

Yeah.

Plus, I thought I might get

to see an air conditioner
fall on someone's head.

But I guess that
never really...

HOMER:
D'oh!

- Ow! What was that?!
- Is that your father?

Bart, I want to see you again,

but I don't want a grownup
taking me back.

Meet me at the high line
tomorrow.

Keep my secret!

You little!

Where's that ice cream?!

Just once, I'd like your father

to be on a jumbotron
for something good.

HOMER: Damn you
and your fluted neck!

So, what did you do
with your dad?

We're safe because you have
to climb steps to get up here.

(Homer groans)

Can't move?

No.

I thought there was no crime
in New York anymore.

Giuliani!

Gimme some news of Springfield.

They let Sideshow Bob out
of prison again.

(train horn blows)

Huh, didn't know they
still ran those trains.

How's your momma
and your sister?

Trying to find high culture
at low prices.

No, Lisa!

If you click that turnstile,
it'll blow our budget!

- Aah!
- Whaah!

Well, without them around,

you and I can walk through
the city holding hands,

just like the menfolk do.

I could listen
to your twang all day.

Would you care
to hear it in song?

'Cause I wrote one 'bout you.

Can I do a rap
in the middle of it?

Or you could just listen.

Sir, may I borrow your guitar?

Sure, sure. It's the case
that makes money.

♪ A boy I knew
turned up again ♪

♪ Kind of liked him
way back when ♪

♪ Chased him round
the livestock bend... ♪

(rapping):
Rolling on my skateboard,

pimping like a drug lord...

♪ Well I'm on the cusp
of womanhood ♪

♪ And I like a boy ♪

♪ That ain't no good
at nothin' ♪

♪ 'Cept making me smile ♪

♪ That's Bart. ♪

♪ I thought my old ways
I had shed ♪

♪ But I sure missed
his cylinder head ♪

♪ Now that boy
has a-come to me, oh, yes ♪

♪ B-A-R, now where's that T? ♪

♪ Where is it?
I don't know ♪

♪ Oh, that's Bart. ♪

I really like you,
Bart Simpson.

CLETUS: I've come
to take you back, Mary.

Daddy?

Sorry, honey, your mother misses
you but she just can't say it.

That's 'cause the donkey
busted her jaw.

She'll be fine.

Your mother too.

All right,
Broadway's too expensive,

the museums are over-curated,

But Shakespeare in the Park
is tonight

and the tickets are free.

(sighs)

Get your cuckold's horns,
neck ruffles, Yorik skulls!

I'll take a cuckold's horn!

It works!

Ladies and gentlemen,
I have an announcement.

Lad-ies and gen-tle-men,
I have an an-nounce-ment--

(gasps)
That's not iambic pentameter!

I'm afraid that tonight's
show has been cancelled.

- Huh? - Why?
- Wherefore?

The Baldwin brothers, who were,
uh, playing the Monague family

and the Sheen/Estevez clan,

our Capulets, have quit
the production.

You guys suck at acting and you
ate all the potato salad.

No, you suck at acting and
it's first come, first serve!

I made that potato salad!

Well, uh, idiot, it says
Zaybar's on the package!

He works at Zaybar's.

We all work at Zaybar's.

I'm so sorry.

You came to see Romeo and
Juliet, not feuding families.

Uh, the long, slow line to leave
the theatre forms on the left.

(crowd grumbling)

Aw, and we have to
walk by a drum circle!

Faster, man!
More annoying!

Not so fast!

We came for Shakespeare and
we're gonna see Shakespeare.

Anyone who wants to be in this,

grab a doublet
and meet me backstage!

Is there, mayhaps, a bit
of business for me?

I was thinking amateurs only.

Well, my only
professional job was playing

a nefarious hot dog
in an ad for Taco Bueno.

(sniffs)
You fresh-made tacos will never

defeat pre-boiled hot dogs!

(laughing)

Please, I owe
Yale Drama School $200,000.

They keep calling my mother.

Fine! You're in.

I must warn you, I have
crippling stage fright.

Oh, for the love of God!

MARGE: For never was
a story of more woe

than this of Juliet
and her Romeo.

Our search for culture
is thus concluded,

For the Bard of Avon
is well suited

to a crowd
with every cell phone muted.

Geez, I can't stop
talking like this.

Hey, don't ever stop!

Because, tonight,
we made it in New York.

Those the people who
took over the theatre?

Pepper spray and power wash--
the New York hug and kiss.

Now, Mary, you listen to me.

I'm one-third your father and
you're gonna come back.

If y'all will excuse me,

I gotta freshen up
for the ride home.

Enjoy your fancy-schmancy
in-house for the last time.

Psst!

Um, I've got to go.

Go where?

Uh, well, since we're here,

I'm gonna go try to get
Al Roker's autograph.

Here you go, little fan.

Killer storm on the way.

(nervous laugh)
Um, I gonna go try to sell this.

I'll buy it back.

(groans)

Goodbye, Bart, and don't worry,

there'll be other
Mary Spucklers,

including my sisters Mary Zeke
and Mary Not Quite Right.

CROWD:
Aw!

(train horn blows)

Bart, if any girl tries
to fix you, let 'em,

because you got a couple
of big problems.

But mostly, you're great!

Boy, you tell me
where Mary's gone!

I can't.

Boy, you squeal like a piggy
for the hillbilly man.

I can't because Mary's the girl

that proves that girls
can like me.

And she wouldn't like me
anymore if I gave her up.

So I won't,
even if you torture me

like you do
the English language.

Well, if that ain't
aren't the isn't.

(sighs) I guess I just gotta
let Mary find her own way.

Come on, let's head on back
to Springfield.

Uh, one on-getter for the
clickity clack, please.

You miss her, don't you, son?

You want a picture of her
for your wallet?

Oh, she's somewhere
in B-3.

Thanks, man.

Aw, look at that.

My little guy's
finally realizing

how complicated grownup
feelings can be.

Well, at least it didn't end
as bad as Romeo and Juliet.

No kidding.

I saw your reviews.

(snickering)
Hey!

I specifically said,
no critics!

This is outrageous!

(gasps)
Ooh, but they like.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

I hope you enjoyed
the show tonight.

And if you're worried about
when the air conditioner

fell on my head,
rest assured it was a stunt man,

and his family is being
well taken care of.

But we're here to ask if you
have an idea for a couch gag.

The best submission will be
animated and appear on the show.

Do we screw them on the credit?

I'm submitting mine now.

(all laughing)

Shh!