The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 24, Episode 22 - Dangers on a Train - full transcript
When Marge tries to buy Homer snack cakes for their anniversary, she winds up meeting a married man who shares a common love of British television.
Whoa!
♪ The Simpsons 24x22 ♪
Dangers on a Train
Original Air Date on May 19, 2013
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
Our first anniversary.
And we're more
in love than ever.
In your face, people who said
it wouldn't last a year!
I stand by my wedding toast.
Let's just enjoy our
happiness, Homie.
Accidental motherhood is the greatest
thing that can happen to a woman.
And I think Bart's finally
outgrown his misbehavior.
Oops, better clean that off.
You have a great day, ma'am.
Wish I could get a little
of that attention.
- D'oh!
- Hey, Simpsons.
Don't mean to be a pesto, but I'll be
happy to watch your scampi shrimp.
Aw, thanks, Flanders.
Got to warn you,
he doesn't talk much.
Daddy.
- He's not your daddy.
- Nice daddy.
Moustache daddy.
Good daddy no yell.
Fat daddy smell like beer.
I'll teach you to speak
in complete sentences.
But first, m'lady, let
me escort you to Heaven.
The fancy Swiss chocolate
store on level three.
Oh...
Oh, Homer, you're the
anchor store of my heart.
Just call me Borders Books,
'cause I'll always be here.
- Haw haw!
- His first word.
Oh, Homie, what a
wonderful anniversary.
Yep, we've got something
money can't buy.
Love on a train.
And I promise each anniversary
will be better and better.
Oh.
They have to get off
and get back on.
Sometimes you have to
say to hell with rules.
But somehow our anniversaries didn't get
better than that first one on the train.
Wait, you named
me after a train?
Yeah, just like
we did with Bart.
Anyway, this year, I'm gonna re-create
our magical first anniversary,
ending with a romantic
ride on that...
Why are you taking
away the train?
I'm afraid no one rides it anymore,
despite millions in government subsidies.
So we're replacing it
with something that makes money
and sends people
to the food court.
Step right up.
Medical marijuana.
You got nausea, my friend?
Everyone's got nausea.
And what is your malady, my son?
Uh, I had one, but I forgot it.
Memory loss!
Could be a brain tumor.
Take this and go see Fantasia.
Kids, I've only had
three great ideas--
marrying your mother,
using a hot dog as a straw
and this romantic
train ride anniversary.
Sir, I need this train.
Eh, take it home. It's yours.
Are you sure Mom is really gonna
want a rusted-out kiddie train?
She won't see it like this.
I'll make this train look as beautiful
as it did when this mall was young.
Aw, Dad, I just got
a little twinge in my heart.
Try this.
You stay away from my kids unless
you're driving them to school!
So, I'm not babysitting
tomorrow night?
Oh, we're still on
for tomorrow night.
Dad, do we have
to ride like this?
Hey, what could be cooler than a
choo-choo with lollipops on it?
Hey, babies-- where you
going in your baby train?
Babytown?
Shake it off, kids--
they're just jealous.
Hey, lardo, where you
going in your lardo car?
- Lardville?
- There's no such place!
Okay. I've entered
my billing address,
expiration date... and charged.
We're back
from "Baby Beethovens."
That's Mozart, dummy.
Well, thanks
for watching Maggie.
I just ordered Homer's
anniversary gift.
Must be tough.
Yeah, what size cuff links
do you get an elephant?
Well, in the first place, the elephant's
cuff links would be the same size.
It's the cuffs
that would be bigger.
As for Homer, I'm getting him a case of
his favorite snack cakes, Dolly Madison.
Marge, this isn't
Dolly Madison.
It's Sassy Madison.
Trust me, Homer doesn't care
where the cupcakes come from.
Sassy Madison is a dating
site for married people
who are tired
of the same old dessert.
Check out their webvertisement.
♪ Kelly was at the
end of her wits ♪
♪ Her husband
was truly the pits ♪
♪ Her relationship spousal
♪ Had zero arousal
♪ Then she watched
this commercial ♪
♪ And found herself Herschel
It's not cheating if you
don't know the person well.
I just put all my personal
information on their Web site.
So now you're gonna get hit
on by every loser in town.
And this town's got losers like
Mexico has headless corpses.
So many unhappy men.
How sad.
You've got a lot of fish
wriggling in that net.
Maybe I should get married
so I can date these guys.
Selma, cheating is a sin.
As much a sin as not replying
to an instant message.
So, if you'll excuse me,
I've got a lot of sleazy
gentlemen to let down gently.
Are you watching
the commercial again?
I'm a fan of animation.
Oh, Lord,
may thy couplings
stay forever locked,
and may thy dead man
switch never be used.
Amen.
All right, guys, let's get this train
fixed up for Homer's anniversary.
But first, start
your power tools.
One more to go, and I'm done.
"Dear Horny in Haverbrook:
"Sorry. I'm not interested " in
cheating on my wonderful husband,
"who is described in
the attached PDF.
"Say hello to my trash folder.
Marge Simpson."
Hi, Homie!
A crazy thing happened when I was
ordering your anniversary gift.
Don't blow the surprise.
Pretend you forgot.
Uh, anniversary? That coming up?
Yes, and it's a big one.
Remember?
Marge, I am focused
on this like a laser.
"Laser."
That's a funny word.
It's just "loser" with an "A."
And speaking of losers,
I lost my train of thought.
Oh, and speaking of trains,
wait till you see...
The surprise is safe.
The expression on her
face will be priceless.
He forgot
our anniversary again?
He remembers the exact number
of pork chops in the freezer.
Currently-- zero.
One of those cyber
smoochers wrote me back.
Thanks for your note.
You seem way too nice for this site.
Why are you here?
Good question.
"I thought I was
buying snack cakes."
That's so cute.
Really, really cute.
You... you are over 18, right?
"I am, and you seem more interested
in my day than my husband."
I know what it's like
not to be listened to.
Please ignore every sensible instinct you
have and continue this conversation.
And by the way,
this is my real voice.
Don't worry, Moe.
When Marge is asleep,
I'll sneak back.
Oh, good, the
strippers are here.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!
That is all coming off.
"Tell me more."
Homie, I bet you're wondering why I
stayed on the computer until 4:00 a.m.
Hey, those Yelp reviews
don't write themselves.
Did you know a well-placed
one star can destroy
a mom-and-pop hardware
in nothing flat?
Listen, I want us to be
honest with each other.
Uh-oh. If you're honest, you'll
have to tell her about the train.
Huh? What train?
How stupid are you?
Hey, thinking is your
department, jerk.
That's what I pay
you in beer for.
Just for that, I'm
not gonna help you.
What? Where are you going,
you...?
Oh!
Um, Marge, I have to go.
What? Now? Why?
He's writing me again.
Better put a stop to this.
Is that him getting the text?
He's in the market. We might
have squeezed the same tomatoes.
Are you Marge?
Ooh, I'm going to hell.
I'm sorry. I didn't even
know you were here.
What a crazy coincidence
that you buy food, too.
Gee, I thought you'd
be some kind of creep.
But you're actually a
perfectly normal-looking...
Whoa!
"A" is for "apple," right?
Okay.
- I'll-I'll just be going.
- Wait, wait, wait!
Let me get the stain out.
But not here.
I know a place where no
one in town will see us.
There you go. Good as new.
Now, let me at least
buy you a coffee,
or dare I say a Danish?
No Danishes!
Sorry. I go to pastry
way too fast.
I want to be very clear.
I'm a happily married woman.
Going on ten years.
The aluminum anniversary.
Nothing turns leftovers
into swans like aluminum.
What the heck am I saying?
Homer's probably at that bar
right now, getting hammered.
All worth it for Marge.
Marge, you are terrific.
I am so glad I reset my distance
filter from 15 to 25 miles.
Mmm...
Your Homer is
the luckiest man on earth.
Well, he keeps falling down a cliff
and living, so I guess that's true.
The only time my wife and I talk
is when I apologize.
"Life's an infernal muddle,"
as Mr. Drake says
on Upton Rectory.
Ooh, I love that show.
Isn't it great?
Finally, a reason
to watch TV on Sundays.
Such great characters,
like Buxton, the
scheming larder-keep.
Why can't Lady Cavendish see
he's pilfering the aspic?
Uh, does...
does Homer watch?
He says shows set during
World War I are too sad.
Particularly how everyone's
always climbing stairs.
You are watching the season
finale this week, right?
Yeah. Alone, I'm sure.
Well, we could, uh...
live blog it.
Save that sugar for
your coffee, bub.
♪ I've been working
on the railroad... ♪
Why are you singing that?
Because it's in the
public domain.
Hello!
It's Moe from Moe's Tavern.
Oh, uh, I'd better take this.
You see, Moe's been depressed and
needs to hear a friendly voice.
Why the hell are you calling
me at home, you moron?!
Lovejoy went to get a hamburger,
and the whole thing fell apart!
I'm getting cooked
like a cabbage.
Then keep quiet like a cabbage!
All right, all right,
I'll be right there.
Is it me, or did this
house just get classy?
Mom, Lisa made me break a lamp.
Mom, Bart's twisting facts
in an Orwellian fashion.
Can I have one hour of grown-up time where
you two aren't tattling on each other
or using obscure references?
Orwell, obscure?
The author of Animal Farm?
- Grampa says he was a Commie.
- No tattling!
Upton Rectory is made possible
by a sizeable endowment
from Hooters Restaurants,
and a generous grant from a man
named Generous Grant.
Are you watching it?
No, I can't.
My wife's watching a reality show about
a man who repossesses zoo animals.
Come on, Taser that flamingo!
Can't believe I'm
missing the finale.
Hmm... Maybe I can help.
Bless it all, Polly, I love you!
And we shall be wed by Boxing
Day Eve, aka Christmas.
But Lord Upton has forbidden
it, on the grounds
that he once saw me exchange pleasantries
with the Egyptian riding master.
Can you follow everything okay?
I guess sometimes
you just don't end up
with the person
you're supposed to.
Marge, can I use your free
Amazon shipping?
Not a good time!
I know your password!
Drake, Polly, perhaps
I was too hasty.
Love should flower,
even an ill-advised alliance
between a coarse Irish maid
and a man who once served me
soup from the wrong side.
He hasn't been the same
since the war, Lord Upton.
Hush, Polly.
Who you marry is none
of your concern.
I have something to say.
The dowager grandmum!
I'm afraid you cannot marry...
without a proper ring.
Take mine--
the Star of Bombay.
Once again, India is denuded of her
treasure by the imperialist devils.
- Why do we watch this show?
- Because I like the costumes!
I've never felt so flushed after
watching public television.
Maybe sometime we could...
watch it in the same room.
- Chat room?
- Room room.
Show's over!
That turned
ultra-steamy in a jiff.
I can still hear you.
I can still hear you.
- Happy anniversary, Mom!
- Happy anniversary, Mom!
Our gift is us!
Three kids with no money,
but plenty of love!
That's great.
I wonder what surprise
your father has in store.
Boy, oh, boy!
Oh, Marge, I threw my back out!
Can you please refill this
prescription right away?
Where's it from?
It's in Drugtown...
not the nice part.
That'll take hours!
On our anniversary!
And what better way to
spend it than commemorating
the glorious words you
spoke ten years ago:
"for worse." Oh!
- Oh!
- Ow!
Ooh!
Hmm.
It's working.
She's gone. All right,
everyone, magically appear.
Wow, Moe, great shrub costume.
Yeah. I sell 'em on the Internet
for like-minded people.
- Now, let's lay some track.
- You guys are the best.
I just want you to know when I'm
holding Marge in my arms tonight,
I'll be thinking of all of you.
When does it get better?
When he's 800 pounds and has to be cut
out of the house to go to a movie?
I lost my cleaning stick
in my belly fat.
But I found a kitten.
That is so sweet.
There I go again, settling.
Marge, run off with me.
Bring your kid.
I have three kids.
Whoa, you really went all in
with this guy, didn't you?
Get out of my head.
I guess this
is good-bye, then.
♪ Someday
♪ When I'm awfully low
♪ When the world is cold...
I said no!
Fine. Sorry.
♪ Just thinking of you, Marge
♪ And the way you look tonight. ♪
The Nelson Riddle Orchestra!
Leave me alone!
Fine.
Sorry, guys, you're dead again.
I'm gonna do what I've done
at every key point of my life:
suck it in and smile.
There goes a woman who's
unhappy with her partner.
- Yeah, I know how she feels.
- Yeah. What was that?
- What the...?
- Happy anniversary!
Oh, my God.
Our train.
Homie, you do care.
You care a lot.
What a wonderful anniversary.
Do you think we'll
last 25 years?
Nothing should.
Trains...
they can fix every marriage.
What the...?
Ugh. Happy moment derailed
by the Bipolar Express.
None of you heard that.
Happy anniversary!
Where is she? Where the
hell is Marge Simpson?
Ramona, please! When you asked me
who she was and where she lived,
I never dreamed you'd
go confront her!
Mmm, I'm Marge Simpson.
So... you're
the kind of man-eater
Hall and Oates
warned us all about.
Hall and Oates?
What's going on here?
Your wife and my husband have been
watching British TV together!
Costume drama
or naughty comedy?
Drama! Drama!
You just dodged a
bullet, Mr. Sugarpants.
Ben, Ramona, I want
to tell you something
I've learned over
ten years of marriage.
The secret is: no secrets,
except good secrets
like this train.
My only secrets are:
My marathon time isn't
4:26; it's never,
I often go online to see how Lindsay
Wagner's looking now-- fabulous--
and I once pushed a kid off a swing
and he broke his wrist or something.
But it's no secret how
much I love my Margie.
- Mmm...
- Mmm...
Look at them, coochie-cooing
like that time
our connecting flight was
delayed and we got drunk
and friendly
in the Admiral's Club.
That was you? I mean,
it-it was wonderful.
And you're fighting for me.
Maybe that means
you still care.
Of course I do.
Now, let's go home
and spend a romantic night
looking through your
computer's browsing history.
That exists?
Oh, boy.
Honey, just what was going
on with you and that guy?
Well...
I was trying to buy
you snack cakes...
Oh, baby, that's all
I needed to hear.
How did we get here?
♪ Marge was feeling
lonely and bored ♪
♪ Every night she was ignored
♪ But when Marge went boo-hoo
♪ I was building a choo-choo
♪ And love conquered all
♪ With a train from the mall
♪ So that very same night
♪ Ben went back on the site
♪ And he lined up a date
with SelmaóBó88 ♪
♪ She said that she's smokin'
♪ And I wasn't jokin'
♪ Find love on the net ♪
♪ You deserve what you get ♪
♪ Three awesome kids
and a life of regret ♪
And now it's time
for Grampa's song!
♪ Down by the old
Not the new, but the old...
♪ Mill stream
Not the river, but the stream.
♪ Where I first...
Not the second or the...
Shh!
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
♪ The Simpsons 24x22 ♪
Dangers on a Train
Original Air Date on May 19, 2013
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
Our first anniversary.
And we're more
in love than ever.
In your face, people who said
it wouldn't last a year!
I stand by my wedding toast.
Let's just enjoy our
happiness, Homie.
Accidental motherhood is the greatest
thing that can happen to a woman.
And I think Bart's finally
outgrown his misbehavior.
Oops, better clean that off.
You have a great day, ma'am.
Wish I could get a little
of that attention.
- D'oh!
- Hey, Simpsons.
Don't mean to be a pesto, but I'll be
happy to watch your scampi shrimp.
Aw, thanks, Flanders.
Got to warn you,
he doesn't talk much.
Daddy.
- He's not your daddy.
- Nice daddy.
Moustache daddy.
Good daddy no yell.
Fat daddy smell like beer.
I'll teach you to speak
in complete sentences.
But first, m'lady, let
me escort you to Heaven.
The fancy Swiss chocolate
store on level three.
Oh...
Oh, Homer, you're the
anchor store of my heart.
Just call me Borders Books,
'cause I'll always be here.
- Haw haw!
- His first word.
Oh, Homie, what a
wonderful anniversary.
Yep, we've got something
money can't buy.
Love on a train.
And I promise each anniversary
will be better and better.
Oh.
They have to get off
and get back on.
Sometimes you have to
say to hell with rules.
But somehow our anniversaries didn't get
better than that first one on the train.
Wait, you named
me after a train?
Yeah, just like
we did with Bart.
Anyway, this year, I'm gonna re-create
our magical first anniversary,
ending with a romantic
ride on that...
Why are you taking
away the train?
I'm afraid no one rides it anymore,
despite millions in government subsidies.
So we're replacing it
with something that makes money
and sends people
to the food court.
Step right up.
Medical marijuana.
You got nausea, my friend?
Everyone's got nausea.
And what is your malady, my son?
Uh, I had one, but I forgot it.
Memory loss!
Could be a brain tumor.
Take this and go see Fantasia.
Kids, I've only had
three great ideas--
marrying your mother,
using a hot dog as a straw
and this romantic
train ride anniversary.
Sir, I need this train.
Eh, take it home. It's yours.
Are you sure Mom is really gonna
want a rusted-out kiddie train?
She won't see it like this.
I'll make this train look as beautiful
as it did when this mall was young.
Aw, Dad, I just got
a little twinge in my heart.
Try this.
You stay away from my kids unless
you're driving them to school!
So, I'm not babysitting
tomorrow night?
Oh, we're still on
for tomorrow night.
Dad, do we have
to ride like this?
Hey, what could be cooler than a
choo-choo with lollipops on it?
Hey, babies-- where you
going in your baby train?
Babytown?
Shake it off, kids--
they're just jealous.
Hey, lardo, where you
going in your lardo car?
- Lardville?
- There's no such place!
Okay. I've entered
my billing address,
expiration date... and charged.
We're back
from "Baby Beethovens."
That's Mozart, dummy.
Well, thanks
for watching Maggie.
I just ordered Homer's
anniversary gift.
Must be tough.
Yeah, what size cuff links
do you get an elephant?
Well, in the first place, the elephant's
cuff links would be the same size.
It's the cuffs
that would be bigger.
As for Homer, I'm getting him a case of
his favorite snack cakes, Dolly Madison.
Marge, this isn't
Dolly Madison.
It's Sassy Madison.
Trust me, Homer doesn't care
where the cupcakes come from.
Sassy Madison is a dating
site for married people
who are tired
of the same old dessert.
Check out their webvertisement.
♪ Kelly was at the
end of her wits ♪
♪ Her husband
was truly the pits ♪
♪ Her relationship spousal
♪ Had zero arousal
♪ Then she watched
this commercial ♪
♪ And found herself Herschel
It's not cheating if you
don't know the person well.
I just put all my personal
information on their Web site.
So now you're gonna get hit
on by every loser in town.
And this town's got losers like
Mexico has headless corpses.
So many unhappy men.
How sad.
You've got a lot of fish
wriggling in that net.
Maybe I should get married
so I can date these guys.
Selma, cheating is a sin.
As much a sin as not replying
to an instant message.
So, if you'll excuse me,
I've got a lot of sleazy
gentlemen to let down gently.
Are you watching
the commercial again?
I'm a fan of animation.
Oh, Lord,
may thy couplings
stay forever locked,
and may thy dead man
switch never be used.
Amen.
All right, guys, let's get this train
fixed up for Homer's anniversary.
But first, start
your power tools.
One more to go, and I'm done.
"Dear Horny in Haverbrook:
"Sorry. I'm not interested " in
cheating on my wonderful husband,
"who is described in
the attached PDF.
"Say hello to my trash folder.
Marge Simpson."
Hi, Homie!
A crazy thing happened when I was
ordering your anniversary gift.
Don't blow the surprise.
Pretend you forgot.
Uh, anniversary? That coming up?
Yes, and it's a big one.
Remember?
Marge, I am focused
on this like a laser.
"Laser."
That's a funny word.
It's just "loser" with an "A."
And speaking of losers,
I lost my train of thought.
Oh, and speaking of trains,
wait till you see...
The surprise is safe.
The expression on her
face will be priceless.
He forgot
our anniversary again?
He remembers the exact number
of pork chops in the freezer.
Currently-- zero.
One of those cyber
smoochers wrote me back.
Thanks for your note.
You seem way too nice for this site.
Why are you here?
Good question.
"I thought I was
buying snack cakes."
That's so cute.
Really, really cute.
You... you are over 18, right?
"I am, and you seem more interested
in my day than my husband."
I know what it's like
not to be listened to.
Please ignore every sensible instinct you
have and continue this conversation.
And by the way,
this is my real voice.
Don't worry, Moe.
When Marge is asleep,
I'll sneak back.
Oh, good, the
strippers are here.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!
That is all coming off.
"Tell me more."
Homie, I bet you're wondering why I
stayed on the computer until 4:00 a.m.
Hey, those Yelp reviews
don't write themselves.
Did you know a well-placed
one star can destroy
a mom-and-pop hardware
in nothing flat?
Listen, I want us to be
honest with each other.
Uh-oh. If you're honest, you'll
have to tell her about the train.
Huh? What train?
How stupid are you?
Hey, thinking is your
department, jerk.
That's what I pay
you in beer for.
Just for that, I'm
not gonna help you.
What? Where are you going,
you...?
Oh!
Um, Marge, I have to go.
What? Now? Why?
He's writing me again.
Better put a stop to this.
Is that him getting the text?
He's in the market. We might
have squeezed the same tomatoes.
Are you Marge?
Ooh, I'm going to hell.
I'm sorry. I didn't even
know you were here.
What a crazy coincidence
that you buy food, too.
Gee, I thought you'd
be some kind of creep.
But you're actually a
perfectly normal-looking...
Whoa!
"A" is for "apple," right?
Okay.
- I'll-I'll just be going.
- Wait, wait, wait!
Let me get the stain out.
But not here.
I know a place where no
one in town will see us.
There you go. Good as new.
Now, let me at least
buy you a coffee,
or dare I say a Danish?
No Danishes!
Sorry. I go to pastry
way too fast.
I want to be very clear.
I'm a happily married woman.
Going on ten years.
The aluminum anniversary.
Nothing turns leftovers
into swans like aluminum.
What the heck am I saying?
Homer's probably at that bar
right now, getting hammered.
All worth it for Marge.
Marge, you are terrific.
I am so glad I reset my distance
filter from 15 to 25 miles.
Mmm...
Your Homer is
the luckiest man on earth.
Well, he keeps falling down a cliff
and living, so I guess that's true.
The only time my wife and I talk
is when I apologize.
"Life's an infernal muddle,"
as Mr. Drake says
on Upton Rectory.
Ooh, I love that show.
Isn't it great?
Finally, a reason
to watch TV on Sundays.
Such great characters,
like Buxton, the
scheming larder-keep.
Why can't Lady Cavendish see
he's pilfering the aspic?
Uh, does...
does Homer watch?
He says shows set during
World War I are too sad.
Particularly how everyone's
always climbing stairs.
You are watching the season
finale this week, right?
Yeah. Alone, I'm sure.
Well, we could, uh...
live blog it.
Save that sugar for
your coffee, bub.
♪ I've been working
on the railroad... ♪
Why are you singing that?
Because it's in the
public domain.
Hello!
It's Moe from Moe's Tavern.
Oh, uh, I'd better take this.
You see, Moe's been depressed and
needs to hear a friendly voice.
Why the hell are you calling
me at home, you moron?!
Lovejoy went to get a hamburger,
and the whole thing fell apart!
I'm getting cooked
like a cabbage.
Then keep quiet like a cabbage!
All right, all right,
I'll be right there.
Is it me, or did this
house just get classy?
Mom, Lisa made me break a lamp.
Mom, Bart's twisting facts
in an Orwellian fashion.
Can I have one hour of grown-up time where
you two aren't tattling on each other
or using obscure references?
Orwell, obscure?
The author of Animal Farm?
- Grampa says he was a Commie.
- No tattling!
Upton Rectory is made possible
by a sizeable endowment
from Hooters Restaurants,
and a generous grant from a man
named Generous Grant.
Are you watching it?
No, I can't.
My wife's watching a reality show about
a man who repossesses zoo animals.
Come on, Taser that flamingo!
Can't believe I'm
missing the finale.
Hmm... Maybe I can help.
Bless it all, Polly, I love you!
And we shall be wed by Boxing
Day Eve, aka Christmas.
But Lord Upton has forbidden
it, on the grounds
that he once saw me exchange pleasantries
with the Egyptian riding master.
Can you follow everything okay?
I guess sometimes
you just don't end up
with the person
you're supposed to.
Marge, can I use your free
Amazon shipping?
Not a good time!
I know your password!
Drake, Polly, perhaps
I was too hasty.
Love should flower,
even an ill-advised alliance
between a coarse Irish maid
and a man who once served me
soup from the wrong side.
He hasn't been the same
since the war, Lord Upton.
Hush, Polly.
Who you marry is none
of your concern.
I have something to say.
The dowager grandmum!
I'm afraid you cannot marry...
without a proper ring.
Take mine--
the Star of Bombay.
Once again, India is denuded of her
treasure by the imperialist devils.
- Why do we watch this show?
- Because I like the costumes!
I've never felt so flushed after
watching public television.
Maybe sometime we could...
watch it in the same room.
- Chat room?
- Room room.
Show's over!
That turned
ultra-steamy in a jiff.
I can still hear you.
I can still hear you.
- Happy anniversary, Mom!
- Happy anniversary, Mom!
Our gift is us!
Three kids with no money,
but plenty of love!
That's great.
I wonder what surprise
your father has in store.
Boy, oh, boy!
Oh, Marge, I threw my back out!
Can you please refill this
prescription right away?
Where's it from?
It's in Drugtown...
not the nice part.
That'll take hours!
On our anniversary!
And what better way to
spend it than commemorating
the glorious words you
spoke ten years ago:
"for worse." Oh!
- Oh!
- Ow!
Ooh!
Hmm.
It's working.
She's gone. All right,
everyone, magically appear.
Wow, Moe, great shrub costume.
Yeah. I sell 'em on the Internet
for like-minded people.
- Now, let's lay some track.
- You guys are the best.
I just want you to know when I'm
holding Marge in my arms tonight,
I'll be thinking of all of you.
When does it get better?
When he's 800 pounds and has to be cut
out of the house to go to a movie?
I lost my cleaning stick
in my belly fat.
But I found a kitten.
That is so sweet.
There I go again, settling.
Marge, run off with me.
Bring your kid.
I have three kids.
Whoa, you really went all in
with this guy, didn't you?
Get out of my head.
I guess this
is good-bye, then.
♪ Someday
♪ When I'm awfully low
♪ When the world is cold...
I said no!
Fine. Sorry.
♪ Just thinking of you, Marge
♪ And the way you look tonight. ♪
The Nelson Riddle Orchestra!
Leave me alone!
Fine.
Sorry, guys, you're dead again.
I'm gonna do what I've done
at every key point of my life:
suck it in and smile.
There goes a woman who's
unhappy with her partner.
- Yeah, I know how she feels.
- Yeah. What was that?
- What the...?
- Happy anniversary!
Oh, my God.
Our train.
Homie, you do care.
You care a lot.
What a wonderful anniversary.
Do you think we'll
last 25 years?
Nothing should.
Trains...
they can fix every marriage.
What the...?
Ugh. Happy moment derailed
by the Bipolar Express.
None of you heard that.
Happy anniversary!
Where is she? Where the
hell is Marge Simpson?
Ramona, please! When you asked me
who she was and where she lived,
I never dreamed you'd
go confront her!
Mmm, I'm Marge Simpson.
So... you're
the kind of man-eater
Hall and Oates
warned us all about.
Hall and Oates?
What's going on here?
Your wife and my husband have been
watching British TV together!
Costume drama
or naughty comedy?
Drama! Drama!
You just dodged a
bullet, Mr. Sugarpants.
Ben, Ramona, I want
to tell you something
I've learned over
ten years of marriage.
The secret is: no secrets,
except good secrets
like this train.
My only secrets are:
My marathon time isn't
4:26; it's never,
I often go online to see how Lindsay
Wagner's looking now-- fabulous--
and I once pushed a kid off a swing
and he broke his wrist or something.
But it's no secret how
much I love my Margie.
- Mmm...
- Mmm...
Look at them, coochie-cooing
like that time
our connecting flight was
delayed and we got drunk
and friendly
in the Admiral's Club.
That was you? I mean,
it-it was wonderful.
And you're fighting for me.
Maybe that means
you still care.
Of course I do.
Now, let's go home
and spend a romantic night
looking through your
computer's browsing history.
That exists?
Oh, boy.
Honey, just what was going
on with you and that guy?
Well...
I was trying to buy
you snack cakes...
Oh, baby, that's all
I needed to hear.
How did we get here?
♪ Marge was feeling
lonely and bored ♪
♪ Every night she was ignored
♪ But when Marge went boo-hoo
♪ I was building a choo-choo
♪ And love conquered all
♪ With a train from the mall
♪ So that very same night
♪ Ben went back on the site
♪ And he lined up a date
with SelmaóBó88 ♪
♪ She said that she's smokin'
♪ And I wasn't jokin'
♪ Find love on the net ♪
♪ You deserve what you get ♪
♪ Three awesome kids
and a life of regret ♪
And now it's time
for Grampa's song!
♪ Down by the old
Not the new, but the old...
♪ Mill stream
Not the river, but the stream.
♪ Where I first...
Not the second or the...
Shh!
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther