The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 25, Episode 1 - Homerland - full transcript
Homer returns from a nuclear power convention a changed man, and Lisa begins to suspect that he has become a domestic terrorist.
SUPERINTENDENT CHAMBERS:
Skinner!!!
(exclaiming)
(school bell ringing)
(Barney belches)
(whistle blows)
(yells)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
(tires screeching)
(grunts)
(Bart chuckles)
(grunts, groans)
* The Simpsons 25x01 *
Homerland
Original Air Date on September 29, 2013
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
*
America faces
an ominous new threat...
terrorism.
We must be vigilant,
secure every home,
every church,
every Kwik-E-Mart
and presidential library.
PRESIDENT CLINTON: I grew up
in a little town in Arkansas,
whose name, ironically, was Terrorism.
(loud explosion)
(explosion, television static)
Ooh, there's new marshmallows
in the Belfast Charms!
No! No, that's
Bart's cereal.
It's the only way I can get him
to take his "vitamins."
(sighs)
Eat up.
The sum of the square roots of any two
sides of an isosceles triangle is equal
to the square root
of the remaining side.
- That's not right.
- Yes, it is.
They're my lines as the
Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz.
Okay, I'm ready for
the Nuclear Workers Convention.
It's a little sad... the guys who
did the funny skit last year,
well, they're all very sick.
Did you pack
everything you need?
Even better.
I never unpacked from the time
we went to Hawaii.
Whoo! My lava's almost cooled!
(sizzling)
(thump)
I'm still cold.
Oh, a whole weekend
away from my family.
I can't believe I have to miss
taking the kids to buy gym uniforms.
Send me a picture?
- Poor guy.
- Salt of the earth.
ALL (chanting):
Convention! Convention!
Convention! Convention!
Convention!
STEWARDESS:
Oxygen masks on.
Convention! Convention!
(air horn blasting,
siren blasting)
Man I love conventions.
Yeah, theyre the perfect combination
of work and binge drinking.
Now look guys, we are here
for one important reason.
To get free swag.
Swag, I'm gonna
grab forever.
Somethin' I really don't need.
Swag!
I'm gonna have
40 key chains.
And I don't even have 40 keys. Swag!
Interested in learning a procedure
that could save your life?
* More free stuff *
* More free stuff *
Uh, all I have are these spec sheets.
* More free stuff,
more free stuff *
ALL:
* Swag!
(grunt, thud)
(gasps) There's that woman I always have
a "same time next year" affair with.
And she's with her frumpy friend I always
have dinner with when you two disappear.
Mm-hmm-hmm.
(slurps)
Put up your nukes!
(chuckles)
Halpern!
Hey-hey! The wild
man of Wichita!
I still haven't forgiven you for
putting that dead goat in my bed.
He wasn't dead till you
rolled over on him! Ha!
(laughing): Oh, yeah.
Take that.
In your face, boy.
Ow! Ow!
Hey!
(angry grunting)
I'll kill you!
You son of a...!
(deep panting)
Oh, come here, you.
Oh...
Ah, yeah.
It could be, if we introduce,
Sherman from I.T... To my good friend spike.
Halpern, what will you
think of next?
Nothing.
This is it.
(slurring): Hey,
here's a brainstorm for you.
Check if it's plugged in
before you call I.T.!
You think I like talking you monkeys
through a password change?!
(grunts)
(laughter)
(slurring):
To texting!
Hello. Where's Homer?
Homer, Homer... when
did I see him last?
Geez, I don't know.
(Lenny vomits)
Yeah, Homer's a great guy, but that doesn't mean I
constantly think about whether he's still alive or not.
You're taking a picture of
'em in their moment of grief?
It's okay. This camera has
an "auto cheer" feature.
Aw...
Aw...
Well, he's not
in the Boise morgue.
Maybe he was mistaken for a dead
elephant and flown back to Kenya.
You're talking
about my husband.
To spare your feelings,
we'll just call him the Blob.
Two to one says the Blob is stuck in the
water-intake pipe at the reservoir.
Please, I need people here
who are helpful and sensitive.
Sorry I'm late, everyone. I had some trouble
getting the voice mails off the 9-1-1 line.
Why does everyone have to talk
so fast and panicky?
MAN (slowly and clearly):
A man with a gun is in my house.
Gibberish.
(barking)
Hello, everyone.
Homie! What happened to you?
I overslept, lost my cell
phone, missed my flight.
Why didn't you call us?
Well, all the pay phones at the airport
were replaced by self-serve yogurt.
I ate all the cookie dough
toppings a man could want.
So many cookies
will never be born.
Well, I guess all that matters
is everything's back to normal.
*
(explosion)
Yes. Back to normal.
Dear Christian God...
- Hey!
- Sorry. Dear God...
you know which
one I mean...
thank you for
returning our Homie.
He's still got a lot of
unfinished business down here.
Amen.
I'm glad you're back, Dad.
It's hard to sleep
with one unkissed cheek.
Yeah, it's tough being man
of the house.
You left some big underpants
to fill.
I didn't know they made
Underoos in size 52.
They're called
Superoos, son.
With pictures of the cast
of The Expendables.
More like The Expandables.
(chuckles)
Why didn't you
strangle me?
That kind of small-scale
violence solves nothing.
Couldn't agree more.
Now to celebrate.
Ta-da! Pork chops
crusted with Cheeto dust.
Uh, I'll pass
on the pork.
(spits)
I'll just enjoy these green
beans with slivered almonds.
Mmm, so slivered.
Mmm.
(quietly): Bart, why is the dad I always
wished for creeping me out?
I don't know. 'Cause you're
incapable of experiencing joy?
Yay.
(groans)
Point taken.
Dad, what's that
on your lap?
A napkin.
(others gasp)
Glad you're back, buddy. You got
a lot of catching up to do.
(grunting, panting)
Can I just get a glass of water?
Water? That stuff killed
my grandmother.
So sad.
I've been having snuggle dreams.
Marge, I changed in Boise.
I'm not sure a man who eats right
and doesn't drink can be good in bed.
- Well, what made you...?
- You're so beautiful
when I cut you off in
the middle of a question.
(both moaning)
(gasps)
Oh. Oh, my.
What's that thing
you're doing?
HOMER (sultrily):
Moving my body.
MARGE (chuckling):
Oh.
(humming happily)
Don't you think it's weird that Dad
stopped eating pork and drinking beer?
Who cares what happened? Daddy's back.
(grunts)
(humming happily)
Something happened to Dad
on that trip.
This is worse than when he went to New Orleans
and came back with a Southern accent.
(deep Southern accent):
Uh, how y'all doin'?
(crunch)
(dog barking in distance)
Chief Wiggum, how come every time there's a
terrorist chatter in this town, you come to me?
Lay off, Apu. When I look at
people, I don't see colors.
I just see crackpot religions.
Chief, is there really a terrorist threat
to Springfield?
Yeah. I got
a very important phone call.
(phone rings)
Yello?
MAN:
Is this line secure?
Uh, it's a little jiggly
but it'll hold.
We got intel... uh, that's short
for a word I don't know...
Intelligence?
I don't believe so, no.
Anyway, this intel says that
someone in town has been turned
and they're working for terrorists.
(gasps)
Now, I got to go check
my other suspects.
Uh-huh.
But I may be back.
Huh?
(gasps)
Dad's kneeling on a prayer mat.
He doesn't believe in kneeling.
(chanting indistinctly)
Huh? It looks like he's praying.
To the east. The Middle East.
Mecca.
(quietly): He's targeting
the nuclear plant.
Meow?
If you are a cat, prove it.
Do you hate Mondays,
like Garfield? (screeches)
And do you love lasagna,
like me?
Meow.
Okay then.
(humming happily)
Mom, I have to tell you something
about Dad, something big!
I know. He's changed.
Exactly.
For the better.
- And men don't change that way.
- But-but...
Do you know what
we're doing on Sunday?
Brunch with the Hibberts.
Then the tile store.
He's like a husband
in a widow's memory... perfect.
(grunting)
Perfect.
Perfect.
(beeping)
(phone rings)
FBI.
I think someone I love
is a terrorist.
Does that make me crazy?
No, no. Not at all.
It took me two hours to get
home. Traffic was crazy.
Are you people
talking about me?
No. We're not even
here right now.
742 Evergreen Terrace.
I'll be right there.
And don't believe what
you've heard about me.
I haven't heard anything
about you except from you.
Hanging up
the receiver, eh?
(gasps)
How much did you hear?
How much did you say?
Nothing, really.
So I heard half of nothing.
Dad, you're scary
when you're calm and focused.
Lisa, I'll miss you
when this is all over.
When what's all over?
This conversation.
(chuckles nervously)
See you on the other side.
What other side?
Of the house.
Where the fireplace is.
We're toasting marshmallows.
Marsh...
mallows.
I'm Bart Simpson.
Who the hell are you?
Agent Crawford, FBI.
You guys know I don't talk
to field agents.
Get your boss on the phone.
I'm not here for you.
I'm here for your dad.
What do you want
with his dad?
Go back to
sleep, Milhouse.
How do you know my name?
I didn't. But I do now.
- Don't talk.
- Okay.
I want you to know I'm the best there
is at finding out what you're up to.
- Ooh.
- I can torture you.
I can give you incredible sex. Or you
can just tell me what I want to know.
- What was the first one again?
- I see.
- You're stupid.
- Hey.
I'm the one in bed
with two beautiful women.
(gasps)
You think
I'm beautiful? Oh!
In a breaking-and-entering
kind of way.
Well, give me something,
or I'm not leaving.
(snoring)
Let's just say I've got
to get to work on time.
And if you knew me, you'd know
just how odd that sounds.
- Who are you talking to?
- No one.
You're in too deep, Annie.
Get out.
Are you real, or my imagination?
Either way,
my advice is sound.
I love my job.
HOMER (? la Islamic call
to prayer): * It is the climax
* What everything's been
* Buil...
* Di-ing to
* Hope it pays off for you
* Ooh-ooh-ooh.
(beeping)
- What you got there, Homer?
- Weird thing under a tarp.
That's what I thought.
Have a good one. (laughs)
You laugh now, but
you won't be laughing soon.
He's right, because now I go back to
remembering that my cat just died.
He's in.
(knocking)
One sunrise
burrito, please.
Fine!
FEMALE VOICE:
Facial recognition required.
(high-pitched whirring)
Welcome, Mr. Burns.
(grunts)
Dad?
Huh? How'd you get in here?
Girl Scout cookies
get you in anywhere.
Please don't do this, Dad.
I don't know what horrors
you saw in Boise,
but it's not worth
blowing up everyone you love.
I'm not blowing up the plant.
(chuckling):
Oh.
Just harmlessly stopping it from
doing more damage to Mother Earth.
Is that something your terrorist
masters told you to tell me?
(sighs)
Yes.
My terrorist masters are always
talking about you, Lisa.
I missed my flight,
so I got in a van...
...with some eco-friendly
activists.
They wanted gas, grass or ass,
and, brother, I had the ass.
They taught me something
I found shocking.
Pigs aren't happy
to be made into pork chops.
This T-shirt lied to me.
And they also gave me
an alcohol detox.
* Nothing's shakin'
on Shakedown Street *
* Used to be the heart of town
* Don't tell me this town
ain't got no heart... *
Oh! Oh!
Oh, I've been listening
to this song for three days,
and it's only the end
of the first verse!
LISA:
But I saw you praying to Mecca.
Lisa, I've never prayed
to a city in my life,
and if I did, it would be
Hershey, Pennsylvania.
I was kneeling on the
affirmation rug they gave me.
See?
(rhythmically): Ow, this rug is hard on my knees.
Ow, this rug is hard on my knees.
Ow, this rug is hard
on my knees.
But wait, wait, wait.
What is this?
Lisa, the most horrible truth
of all is,
the plant where I work poisons
our water and our air.
I've told you that
a million times.
Aw, sweetie, you told me a
thousand things a million times.
Even with a brain
the size of a dinosaur's,
I couldn't take that in.
Anyhoo, this canister is full of spoiled
milk and utility-grade chicken,
both sold to me by Apu
this morning.
When I release it into the AC system,
it'll stink up
the plant forever.
No one can use it,
but no one gets hurt.
Just like
when I smell up the toilet.
(knocking)
(gasps) Huh?
(grunting)
(door opens)
There he is.
Use your fattest handcuffs.
Hey. Uh, it's not
what you think, Lou.
Lou, Lou, Lou.
(ululating):
Lou-Lou-Lou-Lou-Lou...!
(groans)
I can complete my dad's mission
just like George W. Bush.
I can't shoot a little girl.
(gunshot)
Ah, damn it!
There's some things they just don't teach
you in the police academy... movies.
(distorted grunting)
(electronic trilling)
(rhythmic chugging)
We did it, Dad. We did it.
We sure did.
(grunts)
You weren't shot.
No, I was just up late
watching a movie.
Something with
William Holden and...
(snoring)
Your plan failed.
Thank God this plant has never had
a functioning air conditioner.
Wait a minute, Burns. You don't have a
functioning AC system at a nuclear plant?
- That's against the law.
- That's impossible.
Smithers, didn't we move
this plant to China?
Sir, that's two years from now, and
you're not supposed to tell anyone.
Oopsie.
There isn't a prison made
that can hold me.
Prisons are still made
of mud and wattles, right?
No. Concrete.
(gasps loudly)
You know, Dad, just because
your mission's complete,
it doesn't mean you have to go back
to pork eating and beer... drinking.
A beer from the sky! It's a sign!
(laughing)
Yeah, this equipment will pay for
itself in one night of binging.
I wish a mission could bring me
closer to someone, but it can't.
Okay, it's time for me
to walk alone into the sunset.
(gulps loudly)
That's better.
(groans)
Amazingly, the hamster's
older than I am.
Skinner!!!
(exclaiming)
(school bell ringing)
(Barney belches)
(whistle blows)
(yells)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
(tires screeching)
(grunts)
(Bart chuckles)
(grunts, groans)
* The Simpsons 25x01 *
Homerland
Original Air Date on September 29, 2013
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
*
America faces
an ominous new threat...
terrorism.
We must be vigilant,
secure every home,
every church,
every Kwik-E-Mart
and presidential library.
PRESIDENT CLINTON: I grew up
in a little town in Arkansas,
whose name, ironically, was Terrorism.
(loud explosion)
(explosion, television static)
Ooh, there's new marshmallows
in the Belfast Charms!
No! No, that's
Bart's cereal.
It's the only way I can get him
to take his "vitamins."
(sighs)
Eat up.
The sum of the square roots of any two
sides of an isosceles triangle is equal
to the square root
of the remaining side.
- That's not right.
- Yes, it is.
They're my lines as the
Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz.
Okay, I'm ready for
the Nuclear Workers Convention.
It's a little sad... the guys who
did the funny skit last year,
well, they're all very sick.
Did you pack
everything you need?
Even better.
I never unpacked from the time
we went to Hawaii.
Whoo! My lava's almost cooled!
(sizzling)
(thump)
I'm still cold.
Oh, a whole weekend
away from my family.
I can't believe I have to miss
taking the kids to buy gym uniforms.
Send me a picture?
- Poor guy.
- Salt of the earth.
ALL (chanting):
Convention! Convention!
Convention! Convention!
Convention!
STEWARDESS:
Oxygen masks on.
Convention! Convention!
(air horn blasting,
siren blasting)
Man I love conventions.
Yeah, theyre the perfect combination
of work and binge drinking.
Now look guys, we are here
for one important reason.
To get free swag.
Swag, I'm gonna
grab forever.
Somethin' I really don't need.
Swag!
I'm gonna have
40 key chains.
And I don't even have 40 keys. Swag!
Interested in learning a procedure
that could save your life?
* More free stuff *
* More free stuff *
Uh, all I have are these spec sheets.
* More free stuff,
more free stuff *
ALL:
* Swag!
(grunt, thud)
(gasps) There's that woman I always have
a "same time next year" affair with.
And she's with her frumpy friend I always
have dinner with when you two disappear.
Mm-hmm-hmm.
(slurps)
Put up your nukes!
(chuckles)
Halpern!
Hey-hey! The wild
man of Wichita!
I still haven't forgiven you for
putting that dead goat in my bed.
He wasn't dead till you
rolled over on him! Ha!
(laughing): Oh, yeah.
Take that.
In your face, boy.
Ow! Ow!
Hey!
(angry grunting)
I'll kill you!
You son of a...!
(deep panting)
Oh, come here, you.
Oh...
Ah, yeah.
It could be, if we introduce,
Sherman from I.T... To my good friend spike.
Halpern, what will you
think of next?
Nothing.
This is it.
(slurring): Hey,
here's a brainstorm for you.
Check if it's plugged in
before you call I.T.!
You think I like talking you monkeys
through a password change?!
(grunts)
(laughter)
(slurring):
To texting!
Hello. Where's Homer?
Homer, Homer... when
did I see him last?
Geez, I don't know.
(Lenny vomits)
Yeah, Homer's a great guy, but that doesn't mean I
constantly think about whether he's still alive or not.
You're taking a picture of
'em in their moment of grief?
It's okay. This camera has
an "auto cheer" feature.
Aw...
Aw...
Well, he's not
in the Boise morgue.
Maybe he was mistaken for a dead
elephant and flown back to Kenya.
You're talking
about my husband.
To spare your feelings,
we'll just call him the Blob.
Two to one says the Blob is stuck in the
water-intake pipe at the reservoir.
Please, I need people here
who are helpful and sensitive.
Sorry I'm late, everyone. I had some trouble
getting the voice mails off the 9-1-1 line.
Why does everyone have to talk
so fast and panicky?
MAN (slowly and clearly):
A man with a gun is in my house.
Gibberish.
(barking)
Hello, everyone.
Homie! What happened to you?
I overslept, lost my cell
phone, missed my flight.
Why didn't you call us?
Well, all the pay phones at the airport
were replaced by self-serve yogurt.
I ate all the cookie dough
toppings a man could want.
So many cookies
will never be born.
Well, I guess all that matters
is everything's back to normal.
*
(explosion)
Yes. Back to normal.
Dear Christian God...
- Hey!
- Sorry. Dear God...
you know which
one I mean...
thank you for
returning our Homie.
He's still got a lot of
unfinished business down here.
Amen.
I'm glad you're back, Dad.
It's hard to sleep
with one unkissed cheek.
Yeah, it's tough being man
of the house.
You left some big underpants
to fill.
I didn't know they made
Underoos in size 52.
They're called
Superoos, son.
With pictures of the cast
of The Expendables.
More like The Expandables.
(chuckles)
Why didn't you
strangle me?
That kind of small-scale
violence solves nothing.
Couldn't agree more.
Now to celebrate.
Ta-da! Pork chops
crusted with Cheeto dust.
Uh, I'll pass
on the pork.
(spits)
I'll just enjoy these green
beans with slivered almonds.
Mmm, so slivered.
Mmm.
(quietly): Bart, why is the dad I always
wished for creeping me out?
I don't know. 'Cause you're
incapable of experiencing joy?
Yay.
(groans)
Point taken.
Dad, what's that
on your lap?
A napkin.
(others gasp)
Glad you're back, buddy. You got
a lot of catching up to do.
(grunting, panting)
Can I just get a glass of water?
Water? That stuff killed
my grandmother.
So sad.
I've been having snuggle dreams.
Marge, I changed in Boise.
I'm not sure a man who eats right
and doesn't drink can be good in bed.
- Well, what made you...?
- You're so beautiful
when I cut you off in
the middle of a question.
(both moaning)
(gasps)
Oh. Oh, my.
What's that thing
you're doing?
HOMER (sultrily):
Moving my body.
MARGE (chuckling):
Oh.
(humming happily)
Don't you think it's weird that Dad
stopped eating pork and drinking beer?
Who cares what happened? Daddy's back.
(grunts)
(humming happily)
Something happened to Dad
on that trip.
This is worse than when he went to New Orleans
and came back with a Southern accent.
(deep Southern accent):
Uh, how y'all doin'?
(crunch)
(dog barking in distance)
Chief Wiggum, how come every time there's a
terrorist chatter in this town, you come to me?
Lay off, Apu. When I look at
people, I don't see colors.
I just see crackpot religions.
Chief, is there really a terrorist threat
to Springfield?
Yeah. I got
a very important phone call.
(phone rings)
Yello?
MAN:
Is this line secure?
Uh, it's a little jiggly
but it'll hold.
We got intel... uh, that's short
for a word I don't know...
Intelligence?
I don't believe so, no.
Anyway, this intel says that
someone in town has been turned
and they're working for terrorists.
(gasps)
Now, I got to go check
my other suspects.
Uh-huh.
But I may be back.
Huh?
(gasps)
Dad's kneeling on a prayer mat.
He doesn't believe in kneeling.
(chanting indistinctly)
Huh? It looks like he's praying.
To the east. The Middle East.
Mecca.
(quietly): He's targeting
the nuclear plant.
Meow?
If you are a cat, prove it.
Do you hate Mondays,
like Garfield? (screeches)
And do you love lasagna,
like me?
Meow.
Okay then.
(humming happily)
Mom, I have to tell you something
about Dad, something big!
I know. He's changed.
Exactly.
For the better.
- And men don't change that way.
- But-but...
Do you know what
we're doing on Sunday?
Brunch with the Hibberts.
Then the tile store.
He's like a husband
in a widow's memory... perfect.
(grunting)
Perfect.
Perfect.
(beeping)
(phone rings)
FBI.
I think someone I love
is a terrorist.
Does that make me crazy?
No, no. Not at all.
It took me two hours to get
home. Traffic was crazy.
Are you people
talking about me?
No. We're not even
here right now.
742 Evergreen Terrace.
I'll be right there.
And don't believe what
you've heard about me.
I haven't heard anything
about you except from you.
Hanging up
the receiver, eh?
(gasps)
How much did you hear?
How much did you say?
Nothing, really.
So I heard half of nothing.
Dad, you're scary
when you're calm and focused.
Lisa, I'll miss you
when this is all over.
When what's all over?
This conversation.
(chuckles nervously)
See you on the other side.
What other side?
Of the house.
Where the fireplace is.
We're toasting marshmallows.
Marsh...
mallows.
I'm Bart Simpson.
Who the hell are you?
Agent Crawford, FBI.
You guys know I don't talk
to field agents.
Get your boss on the phone.
I'm not here for you.
I'm here for your dad.
What do you want
with his dad?
Go back to
sleep, Milhouse.
How do you know my name?
I didn't. But I do now.
- Don't talk.
- Okay.
I want you to know I'm the best there
is at finding out what you're up to.
- Ooh.
- I can torture you.
I can give you incredible sex. Or you
can just tell me what I want to know.
- What was the first one again?
- I see.
- You're stupid.
- Hey.
I'm the one in bed
with two beautiful women.
(gasps)
You think
I'm beautiful? Oh!
In a breaking-and-entering
kind of way.
Well, give me something,
or I'm not leaving.
(snoring)
Let's just say I've got
to get to work on time.
And if you knew me, you'd know
just how odd that sounds.
- Who are you talking to?
- No one.
You're in too deep, Annie.
Get out.
Are you real, or my imagination?
Either way,
my advice is sound.
I love my job.
HOMER (? la Islamic call
to prayer): * It is the climax
* What everything's been
* Buil...
* Di-ing to
* Hope it pays off for you
* Ooh-ooh-ooh.
(beeping)
- What you got there, Homer?
- Weird thing under a tarp.
That's what I thought.
Have a good one. (laughs)
You laugh now, but
you won't be laughing soon.
He's right, because now I go back to
remembering that my cat just died.
He's in.
(knocking)
One sunrise
burrito, please.
Fine!
FEMALE VOICE:
Facial recognition required.
(high-pitched whirring)
Welcome, Mr. Burns.
(grunts)
Dad?
Huh? How'd you get in here?
Girl Scout cookies
get you in anywhere.
Please don't do this, Dad.
I don't know what horrors
you saw in Boise,
but it's not worth
blowing up everyone you love.
I'm not blowing up the plant.
(chuckling):
Oh.
Just harmlessly stopping it from
doing more damage to Mother Earth.
Is that something your terrorist
masters told you to tell me?
(sighs)
Yes.
My terrorist masters are always
talking about you, Lisa.
I missed my flight,
so I got in a van...
...with some eco-friendly
activists.
They wanted gas, grass or ass,
and, brother, I had the ass.
They taught me something
I found shocking.
Pigs aren't happy
to be made into pork chops.
This T-shirt lied to me.
And they also gave me
an alcohol detox.
* Nothing's shakin'
on Shakedown Street *
* Used to be the heart of town
* Don't tell me this town
ain't got no heart... *
Oh! Oh!
Oh, I've been listening
to this song for three days,
and it's only the end
of the first verse!
LISA:
But I saw you praying to Mecca.
Lisa, I've never prayed
to a city in my life,
and if I did, it would be
Hershey, Pennsylvania.
I was kneeling on the
affirmation rug they gave me.
See?
(rhythmically): Ow, this rug is hard on my knees.
Ow, this rug is hard on my knees.
Ow, this rug is hard
on my knees.
But wait, wait, wait.
What is this?
Lisa, the most horrible truth
of all is,
the plant where I work poisons
our water and our air.
I've told you that
a million times.
Aw, sweetie, you told me a
thousand things a million times.
Even with a brain
the size of a dinosaur's,
I couldn't take that in.
Anyhoo, this canister is full of spoiled
milk and utility-grade chicken,
both sold to me by Apu
this morning.
When I release it into the AC system,
it'll stink up
the plant forever.
No one can use it,
but no one gets hurt.
Just like
when I smell up the toilet.
(knocking)
(gasps) Huh?
(grunting)
(door opens)
There he is.
Use your fattest handcuffs.
Hey. Uh, it's not
what you think, Lou.
Lou, Lou, Lou.
(ululating):
Lou-Lou-Lou-Lou-Lou...!
(groans)
I can complete my dad's mission
just like George W. Bush.
I can't shoot a little girl.
(gunshot)
Ah, damn it!
There's some things they just don't teach
you in the police academy... movies.
(distorted grunting)
(electronic trilling)
(rhythmic chugging)
We did it, Dad. We did it.
We sure did.
(grunts)
You weren't shot.
No, I was just up late
watching a movie.
Something with
William Holden and...
(snoring)
Your plan failed.
Thank God this plant has never had
a functioning air conditioner.
Wait a minute, Burns. You don't have a
functioning AC system at a nuclear plant?
- That's against the law.
- That's impossible.
Smithers, didn't we move
this plant to China?
Sir, that's two years from now, and
you're not supposed to tell anyone.
Oopsie.
There isn't a prison made
that can hold me.
Prisons are still made
of mud and wattles, right?
No. Concrete.
(gasps loudly)
You know, Dad, just because
your mission's complete,
it doesn't mean you have to go back
to pork eating and beer... drinking.
A beer from the sky! It's a sign!
(laughing)
Yeah, this equipment will pay for
itself in one night of binging.
I wish a mission could bring me
closer to someone, but it can't.
Okay, it's time for me
to walk alone into the sunset.
(gulps loudly)
That's better.
(groans)
Amazingly, the hamster's
older than I am.