The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 24, Episode 21 - The Saga of Carl - full transcript
Homer, Moe, Lenny and Carl win the lottery, but Carl steals the ticket and leaves with the money for Iceland.
D'oh!
(tires screeching)
(grunts)
(belches)
♪ The Simpsons 24x21 ♪
The Saga of Carl Carlson
Original Air Date on May 19, 2013
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
It's been a brilliant night
of women's tennis
with Petrevkova
narrowly edging Mashakova.
We take you now
to doubles action
between
Pavlyuchenkeka-Vilnikova
and Strakova-Mishtnupetrateva.
(laughs)
To me, it's legs versus boobs.
HOMER:
What the...?
Change the channel?
But I'm watching
soft-core tennis.
BOTH:
Ki-Ya Karate Monsters!
What the hell
is that?
It's our favorite show.
Mom said we
could watch it.
Did she really say that?
Are you gonna walk upstairs
and ask her?
(thunder rumbles)
No.
(theme song playing)
NARRATOR:
From a Shaolin monastery
in darkest Transylvania
come helpful hell-spawn.
With homicidal honor,
they rampage for peace.
Ki-Ya!
Ki-Ya!
Ki-Ya!
You like this now?
What about Planet Jackson
and the Earth Brigade?
BART: Dad, we don't watch
that show anymore.
It's for babies.
Planet power!
(Bart and Lisa grunting)
Kung Fu Werewolf chop!
Blob Jitsu kick!
Stop it. No Karate Monsters
at the dinner table.
It's Ki-Ya Karate Monsters.
Samurai shampoo
blast!
Ninja throwing soap!
No Karate Monsters
in the bathtub.
Ki-Ya
Karate Monsters.
HOMER: Happy birthday, Dad.
LISA: Happy birthday, Grampa.
(Grampa gasps)
Did this really happen?
Pill attack!
Actual sword attack!
I've had it.
No more Karate Monsters.
Ki-Ya... Ki-Ya...
(grumbles)
That's it. Tomorrow, we're doing
something educational.
We're going
to the science museum.
Damn it.
(Bart and Lisa
laughing repeatedly)
(both grunting)
(sighs)
Finally,
actual science.
(both groan)
You did it, baby.
You promised no fun,
and you delivered.
(French accent):
Ah, hello there.
I am Blaise Pascal, inventor
of the probability theory.
What are the odds
of meeting you here?
Excellent, I would say.
(ding)
My friend Silly Squirrel
is about to buy
a lottery ticket.
Silly Squirrel, do you
know the probability
of winning the lottery?
I don't know.
Why, you are more likely
to be run over by a car.
Or be hit by lightning.
Or murdered by
an acquaintance.
If you understood
probability,
you would never
play the lottery.
(laughs)
Guys, this science exhibit
told me how stupid it is
to play the lottery.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. So you didn't
buy our weekly ticket?
Are you nuts? You can't win
if you don't play.
Hey, it's time.
Turn it on, turn it on!
Four lucky numbers
for four best friends.
MOE: Yeah, I always
go with three,
the number of brothers
and sisters
I, uh, Hunger Games-ed
in the womb.
19 for me. Uh, for the
best year of my life, 1996.
My number's 22.
No reason. Just... 22.
And I'm 69.
Because people always laugh
when you say "69."
(laughs)
No one knows why.
And the winning numbers are...
three, 19,
22 and 69.
(chuckles)
Oh, my gosh.
We won.
We won the
Springfield Lottery.
That's 200 grand.
That's 50,000 bucks each!
(all cheering)
Guys, guys, we got to celebrate,
throw a raging party!
I'll cash the ticket.
Homer, Homer, you get the food.
I'll get mini Dumpsters of wings
from Garbage Wings.
And, Lenny, you
get the drinks.
But we're already
at a bar.
Oh, no. That's just gasoline
and hot dog water.
Who cares?
We got the money.
(laughing):
I'm so happy.
I'm so happy.
To the best feeling
in the world...
money.
(glass clinking)
Guys, I got big plans
for these winnings.
I'm going to build...
a swimming pool.
In-ground?
So freaking far
in the ground, baby.
What about you, Carl?
What are you gonna do
with your share of the money?
(crowd murmuring)
Oh, uh, I guess Carl ain't back
yet from cashing in the ticket.
I'm sure he just got
held up in traffic.
Yeah, that's probably
what happened.
I wonder
what's keeping Carl.
I hope our friend
wasn't in an accident.
I'm glad we're the
kind of people
who are worried
about Carl's safety
instead of thinking
that he ripped us off.
I wasn't thinking that.
Carl's our good friend.
Our good friend.
Yeah, good old Carl.
Good old Carl's phone
went straight to voice mail.
Again.
(tires screeching)
The power of friendship
is so amazing,
I don't feel at all
suspicious of Carl.
Drive faster because
of the power of friendship.
(tires screech)
(door creaks)
Carl's gone.
Our money's gone.
We've been betrayed.
By good old Carl!
Guys, I think
we might need a new song.
♪ Four best friends
♪ Who never quarrel
ALL: ♪ Homer Simpson, Lenny,
Moe and... ♪
♪ And...
And no one.
All our lottery
money, gone!
If I ever see that Carl again,
I'm gonna freeze him,
chop him up into ice cubes
and scoop him
into the urinal trough
at the Gathering
of the Juggalos!
Guys, give Carl a chance.
I'm sure he's gonna come back.
I don't think so.
His travel neck pillow's gone
from its pedestal.
MOE:
Fellas,
he ain't coming back.
You don't know that.
I'm gonna keep looking till we
figure out what really happened.
See, I bet he flew to Quebec
to bring us back
authentic French-Canadian
sugar pie.
(chuckles)
I can taste it already.
Mmm. Thanks
for the sugar pie, Carl.
Hey, what's this?
"I've gone home.
Good-bye forever,
Carl Carlson."
Where'd you go, Carl?
Had plans
for that money, too.
I was gonna be
one of those guys
who's really into
hot sauce, you know?
Hot sauce suspenders,
hot sauce pajamas.
Bolo tie with a little
chili pepper on it.
I still can't believe it was
Carl who took your winnings.
I thought it would've been you.
Or you. Or you.
I know. Me, too.
It's the ultimate screw-over.
Maybe he had a good reason
to give you
the ultimate screw-over.
He said he went home,
and his passport is gone.
What country is he from?
Uh... Uh...
I don't know.
You don't know
where Carl is from?
Come on, you know how dudes are.
We don't go digging
into the past.
We talk about guy stuff.
Like baseball and trucks
and when guys lift
too much weight
and their bungus drops out.
You know, guy stuff.
Maybe if you'd talked less
about guy stuff,
you'd know more
about your so-called friend.
Well, it don't matter
no more, Midge.
Carl is gone,
and we're already
auditioning replacements.
This could not be
more offensive.
Man!
Oh, of course.
Ugh!
Hmm.
Hey, hey, get that
out of here!
I don't ever want to see
that moolah-stealing
jackpot thief again!
Wait a minute.
Something's reflected in
the lenses of Carl's sunglasses.
I just need to get closer.
He's looking at a geyser.
And there's a sign
in front of it!
Oh... It's too small to read.
LENNY:
Oh, it's backwards.
MOE:
Try this.
LENNY:
"Strokkur Geysir."
Hmm.
The geyser is one
of the most famous
natural wonders in Iceland.
I guess that's
where Carl's from.
Ice-land?
Is that even
a real place?
I thought it was
Superman's Superman cave.
Iceland keeps the most detailed
family records
of any country in the world.
There!
Carl was adopted...
...by a couple who lives
outside Reykjavik.
MOE: Well, if that's
Carl's home,
then that's where
our money is!
And that's where we're going.
We got to pack.
HOMER (whistles):
50 bucks per bag?
I guess I'm only bringing one
guitar on this revenge trip.
You're going so far away.
I'll miss you.
Baby, I'm going for us.
That money is going
to dig us a swimming pool
that'll take our broken family
and make it whole.
We're not broken.
We're broken.
We're pretty broken.
(grumbles)
How am I going to sleep
if someone isn't pushing me
all the way to the
very edge of the bed?
I've already taken care of that.
Oh...
Oh, that's perfect.
I can't wait to see the smile
on Carl's face
when we surprise him.
I call first hug.
Hey, Lenny, when are you
gonna wise up?
Carl never wants
to see us again.
I'm done talking to you!
This is funny.
It says here Iceland is green,
and Greenland is icy.
The Vikings switched the names
to trick everybody.
(all laughing)
It's funny.
That's pretty good.
Great gag!
Hey, Vikings,
it's still pretty damn cold!
I only packed shorts.
Excuse me, uh,
we're looking for our friend.
He's, uh... he's about so tall,
uh, wears a jacket,
he's, um, got no
visible tattoos...
Just say he's black, Moe.
You say he's black!
His name is Carl Carlson.
Carl Carlson!
His family has been hated
for 1,000 years.
How do you know
about Carl's family?
Our country is very small,
very judgmental and very nosy.
Ingimar Ogmundsson, how
progresses your gonorrhea?
It heals, but slowly.
Why does everybody hate
Carl's family?
MAN:
Here's why.
This saga tells of how
Carl Carlson's family
were the watchmen
of the coast,
always keeping an eye out
for invading hordes.
Iceland's safety depended
on their vigilance.
But the Carlsons
failed in their duty.
The enemy invaded,
laying waste
to our lava fields,
burning our sweaters
and feasting upon
our tiny horses.
Apparently, screwing
over your friends
is in Carl's blood--
his adopted blood.
All right, this is it,
Carl's family home.
Twenty-two...
Ooh, phew, oh,
that's a lot of letters.
22 Hjorleifsstrati.
So that's why 22 was
Carl's lottery number.
Yeah, and that's why his
sweatpants say "Hjorleifsstrati"
across the butt.
(grunts)
The gates are locked.
Well, then we'll just have
to wait for him to come out.
Oh, man, stakeouts
are so boring.
I wish I had something
to look at.
Well, I guess I'll just read
the car rental contract again.
Damage waiver, check.
Return with full
tank of gas, check.
All drivers must be
over the age of 25...
and check.
Love you, Mom.
See you, Dad.
It's Carl!
Wake up, wake up!
Huh?
Huh?
♪
(tires screech)
Ah, damn it, we lost him!
There he is.
And he's got our money!
♪
(panting)
It's no use.
We're perfectly matched.
(grunting)
HOMER:
We did it!
Give us some answers,
or you'll get a mouthful
of rotten shark
fermented in its own urine.
No, no, anything
but the inedible,
repulsive food of
my native land.
Yeah, Carl, tell them
the good reason you had
for borrowing the money.
Look, I admit it.
I gave you the
ultimate screw-over.
But I did it to clear
my family's name.
Everyone blames the
barbarian invasion
on my ancestors.
But that saga had
a missing page.
Oh, yeah...
a page was torn out.
My family's always believed
that we fought bravely
against the invaders,
and the missing page
will prove it.
I took the lottery money
to buy that page
and restore my family's honor.
Why didn't you just tell us?
We're your friends.
I didn't tell you because...
we're not friends.
(all gasp)
Friends share their feelings,
their hopes, their dreams.
Friends know their friends
are from Iceland!
We are just guys who sit
next to each other at a bar
and talk about...
ugh... guy stuff.
So all those years
of hanging out meant nothing?
Not to me.
Sorry, Lenny.
That's all right.
Now we know.
It's all out in the open.
I guess it kind of makes it
easier now for me to...
to kill Carl!
(chuckles)
When the nice ones snap,
it's always
a good show.
(clattering, punches landing)
(grunting)
Ow, my eye!
My eye!
My eye!
My eye!
Hey, hey, hey, Lenny,
forget him, forget him!
Look, we still
got the money.
LENNY: What the...?
HOMER: Wha...?
What the hell is this?
That's the missing page
from the saga.
That's what I spent
our lottery money on.
Then this belongs to us.
Please, give it back! Please!
It'll restore my family's honor!
Maybe we'd give it back
to our friend,
but we're not friends, remember?
Sorry, Carl.
It's World War II
all over again.
America kicks Iceland's ass.
No!
Guys, do you think
Carl was right?
What if we're not
real friends?
Maybe we are just
lonely guys who do...
guy stuff.
♪
(people screaming)
(computer chiming))
Hi, Homie!
Did you get the money?
The kids have been stocking up
on pool noodles.
Put the noodles in the shed.
There isn't gonna be
a swimming pool.
Hmm?
Carl spent all our money
on this stupid page
from a stupid saga.
I say we make it
into saga soup
and have ourselves
a soup sip.
(slurps)
That'll show Carl for
de-friending us in real life!
I know Carl did you wrong,
but is destroying something
he cares that much about
really going to make you
feel good?
Well, we won't
know that till after.
Just read the saga
and see what it says.
But how can we learn to read
ancient Icelandic?
With these.
Yeah, my doctor says
it's better for me
not to sleep.
Thorn?
Yes!
Forvitinn.
I can't do this,
I can't do this!
You can't not do it!
Okay, let's see
what this thing says.
"When the barbarian
invaders came,
the Carlsons met them
with their weapons ready..."
LENNY: Wow, Carl's family
really was brave.
HOMER: "...weapons
which they immediately
"threw down in surrender.
"The Carlsons then let
the barbarians in the back gate
"and joined in the sacking,
the looting
"and the volcano-ing
of the village elders.
"The Carlsons
then wrote down this saga
so no one would ever forget
their treachery and cowardice."
Carl's family was even worse
than people thought.
They were the original
ultimate scumbags.
Carl betrayed his friends,
blew the lottery money...
all for nothing.
Hey, guys...
I think I feel bad for Carl.
(speaking Icelandic)
Attention, everyone in Iceland.
We have an important
announcement.
Take a break from
your dreary lives
to hear Americans
lecture you.
Ah! Ah!
Eh!
Is this everyone?
No.
Yes.
I've learned something
about the people of Iceland.
You have endured
barbarian invasions,
total financial collapse
and a lesbian prime minister.
You've managed to survive
on a craphole island
that looks like the moon
and smells like rotten eggs.
And to do that,
you have to be stubborn.
But I ask you to put aside
your stubbornness
while I tell you
about Carl Carlson.
Shame on Carl's family!
The blood of 1,000 tiny horses
is on their hands.
Doesn't matter what happened
1,000 years ago,
for Carl Carlson's honor
has been redeemed
by the deeds of Carl Carlson.
Carl Carlson who helped me move,
even though I moved
the week before.
(crowd gasping and murmuring)
Yeah, and when we were
painting my house,
Carl Carlson brought
that blue tape, you know,
that makes you really look
like you know what you're doing.
You peel it off,
and you got that
super straight line there.
(crowd gasping and murmuring)
And when he brings
a six-pack to my house,
he doesn't take the extras
home with him.
Carl Carlson leaves them
in the fridge.
(crowd gasping and exclaiming)
Carl Carlson is our friend,
even if he doesn't believe it.
If we can forgive Carl
for stealing our
lottery winnings,
maybe youse can find it
in youse's hearts
to forgive his ancestors.
The many small kindnesses
of Carl Carlson
have redeemed his
family forever.
Mom, Dad, our family can
show our face in public
for the first time
in 1,000 years.
Ai.
Ai.
How can you say these men
are not your true friends?
I... I can't!
(sobbing): I can't!
CROWD:
Ai.
Guys, thanks for teaching me
the true meaning
of male friendship.
The stuff that comes
from in here...
that is guy stuff.
We don't get together
to share our emotions.
We get together to escape them.
Yeah, I'd tell you guys
I love you, but, uh,
I don't want to say it,
and you don't
want to hear it.
To nothing!
Okay, everyone, get ready
to see your brand-new...
Oh, oh! (laughs)
What is it, what is it, what is it?
...keg-pools!
Yay!
Yay!
Hey! Aah!
(kids laughing)
(grunting)
Fine.
I'm going home.
(tires screeching)
(grunts)
(belches)
♪ The Simpsons 24x21 ♪
The Saga of Carl Carlson
Original Air Date on May 19, 2013
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
It's been a brilliant night
of women's tennis
with Petrevkova
narrowly edging Mashakova.
We take you now
to doubles action
between
Pavlyuchenkeka-Vilnikova
and Strakova-Mishtnupetrateva.
(laughs)
To me, it's legs versus boobs.
HOMER:
What the...?
Change the channel?
But I'm watching
soft-core tennis.
BOTH:
Ki-Ya Karate Monsters!
What the hell
is that?
It's our favorite show.
Mom said we
could watch it.
Did she really say that?
Are you gonna walk upstairs
and ask her?
(thunder rumbles)
No.
(theme song playing)
NARRATOR:
From a Shaolin monastery
in darkest Transylvania
come helpful hell-spawn.
With homicidal honor,
they rampage for peace.
Ki-Ya!
Ki-Ya!
Ki-Ya!
You like this now?
What about Planet Jackson
and the Earth Brigade?
BART: Dad, we don't watch
that show anymore.
It's for babies.
Planet power!
(Bart and Lisa grunting)
Kung Fu Werewolf chop!
Blob Jitsu kick!
Stop it. No Karate Monsters
at the dinner table.
It's Ki-Ya Karate Monsters.
Samurai shampoo
blast!
Ninja throwing soap!
No Karate Monsters
in the bathtub.
Ki-Ya
Karate Monsters.
HOMER: Happy birthday, Dad.
LISA: Happy birthday, Grampa.
(Grampa gasps)
Did this really happen?
Pill attack!
Actual sword attack!
I've had it.
No more Karate Monsters.
Ki-Ya... Ki-Ya...
(grumbles)
That's it. Tomorrow, we're doing
something educational.
We're going
to the science museum.
Damn it.
(Bart and Lisa
laughing repeatedly)
(both grunting)
(sighs)
Finally,
actual science.
(both groan)
You did it, baby.
You promised no fun,
and you delivered.
(French accent):
Ah, hello there.
I am Blaise Pascal, inventor
of the probability theory.
What are the odds
of meeting you here?
Excellent, I would say.
(ding)
My friend Silly Squirrel
is about to buy
a lottery ticket.
Silly Squirrel, do you
know the probability
of winning the lottery?
I don't know.
Why, you are more likely
to be run over by a car.
Or be hit by lightning.
Or murdered by
an acquaintance.
If you understood
probability,
you would never
play the lottery.
(laughs)
Guys, this science exhibit
told me how stupid it is
to play the lottery.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. So you didn't
buy our weekly ticket?
Are you nuts? You can't win
if you don't play.
Hey, it's time.
Turn it on, turn it on!
Four lucky numbers
for four best friends.
MOE: Yeah, I always
go with three,
the number of brothers
and sisters
I, uh, Hunger Games-ed
in the womb.
19 for me. Uh, for the
best year of my life, 1996.
My number's 22.
No reason. Just... 22.
And I'm 69.
Because people always laugh
when you say "69."
(laughs)
No one knows why.
And the winning numbers are...
three, 19,
22 and 69.
(chuckles)
Oh, my gosh.
We won.
We won the
Springfield Lottery.
That's 200 grand.
That's 50,000 bucks each!
(all cheering)
Guys, guys, we got to celebrate,
throw a raging party!
I'll cash the ticket.
Homer, Homer, you get the food.
I'll get mini Dumpsters of wings
from Garbage Wings.
And, Lenny, you
get the drinks.
But we're already
at a bar.
Oh, no. That's just gasoline
and hot dog water.
Who cares?
We got the money.
(laughing):
I'm so happy.
I'm so happy.
To the best feeling
in the world...
money.
(glass clinking)
Guys, I got big plans
for these winnings.
I'm going to build...
a swimming pool.
In-ground?
So freaking far
in the ground, baby.
What about you, Carl?
What are you gonna do
with your share of the money?
(crowd murmuring)
Oh, uh, I guess Carl ain't back
yet from cashing in the ticket.
I'm sure he just got
held up in traffic.
Yeah, that's probably
what happened.
I wonder
what's keeping Carl.
I hope our friend
wasn't in an accident.
I'm glad we're the
kind of people
who are worried
about Carl's safety
instead of thinking
that he ripped us off.
I wasn't thinking that.
Carl's our good friend.
Our good friend.
Yeah, good old Carl.
Good old Carl's phone
went straight to voice mail.
Again.
(tires screeching)
The power of friendship
is so amazing,
I don't feel at all
suspicious of Carl.
Drive faster because
of the power of friendship.
(tires screech)
(door creaks)
Carl's gone.
Our money's gone.
We've been betrayed.
By good old Carl!
Guys, I think
we might need a new song.
♪ Four best friends
♪ Who never quarrel
ALL: ♪ Homer Simpson, Lenny,
Moe and... ♪
♪ And...
And no one.
All our lottery
money, gone!
If I ever see that Carl again,
I'm gonna freeze him,
chop him up into ice cubes
and scoop him
into the urinal trough
at the Gathering
of the Juggalos!
Guys, give Carl a chance.
I'm sure he's gonna come back.
I don't think so.
His travel neck pillow's gone
from its pedestal.
MOE:
Fellas,
he ain't coming back.
You don't know that.
I'm gonna keep looking till we
figure out what really happened.
See, I bet he flew to Quebec
to bring us back
authentic French-Canadian
sugar pie.
(chuckles)
I can taste it already.
Mmm. Thanks
for the sugar pie, Carl.
Hey, what's this?
"I've gone home.
Good-bye forever,
Carl Carlson."
Where'd you go, Carl?
Had plans
for that money, too.
I was gonna be
one of those guys
who's really into
hot sauce, you know?
Hot sauce suspenders,
hot sauce pajamas.
Bolo tie with a little
chili pepper on it.
I still can't believe it was
Carl who took your winnings.
I thought it would've been you.
Or you. Or you.
I know. Me, too.
It's the ultimate screw-over.
Maybe he had a good reason
to give you
the ultimate screw-over.
He said he went home,
and his passport is gone.
What country is he from?
Uh... Uh...
I don't know.
You don't know
where Carl is from?
Come on, you know how dudes are.
We don't go digging
into the past.
We talk about guy stuff.
Like baseball and trucks
and when guys lift
too much weight
and their bungus drops out.
You know, guy stuff.
Maybe if you'd talked less
about guy stuff,
you'd know more
about your so-called friend.
Well, it don't matter
no more, Midge.
Carl is gone,
and we're already
auditioning replacements.
This could not be
more offensive.
Man!
Oh, of course.
Ugh!
Hmm.
Hey, hey, get that
out of here!
I don't ever want to see
that moolah-stealing
jackpot thief again!
Wait a minute.
Something's reflected in
the lenses of Carl's sunglasses.
I just need to get closer.
He's looking at a geyser.
And there's a sign
in front of it!
Oh... It's too small to read.
LENNY:
Oh, it's backwards.
MOE:
Try this.
LENNY:
"Strokkur Geysir."
Hmm.
The geyser is one
of the most famous
natural wonders in Iceland.
I guess that's
where Carl's from.
Ice-land?
Is that even
a real place?
I thought it was
Superman's Superman cave.
Iceland keeps the most detailed
family records
of any country in the world.
There!
Carl was adopted...
...by a couple who lives
outside Reykjavik.
MOE: Well, if that's
Carl's home,
then that's where
our money is!
And that's where we're going.
We got to pack.
HOMER (whistles):
50 bucks per bag?
I guess I'm only bringing one
guitar on this revenge trip.
You're going so far away.
I'll miss you.
Baby, I'm going for us.
That money is going
to dig us a swimming pool
that'll take our broken family
and make it whole.
We're not broken.
We're broken.
We're pretty broken.
(grumbles)
How am I going to sleep
if someone isn't pushing me
all the way to the
very edge of the bed?
I've already taken care of that.
Oh...
Oh, that's perfect.
I can't wait to see the smile
on Carl's face
when we surprise him.
I call first hug.
Hey, Lenny, when are you
gonna wise up?
Carl never wants
to see us again.
I'm done talking to you!
This is funny.
It says here Iceland is green,
and Greenland is icy.
The Vikings switched the names
to trick everybody.
(all laughing)
It's funny.
That's pretty good.
Great gag!
Hey, Vikings,
it's still pretty damn cold!
I only packed shorts.
Excuse me, uh,
we're looking for our friend.
He's, uh... he's about so tall,
uh, wears a jacket,
he's, um, got no
visible tattoos...
Just say he's black, Moe.
You say he's black!
His name is Carl Carlson.
Carl Carlson!
His family has been hated
for 1,000 years.
How do you know
about Carl's family?
Our country is very small,
very judgmental and very nosy.
Ingimar Ogmundsson, how
progresses your gonorrhea?
It heals, but slowly.
Why does everybody hate
Carl's family?
MAN:
Here's why.
This saga tells of how
Carl Carlson's family
were the watchmen
of the coast,
always keeping an eye out
for invading hordes.
Iceland's safety depended
on their vigilance.
But the Carlsons
failed in their duty.
The enemy invaded,
laying waste
to our lava fields,
burning our sweaters
and feasting upon
our tiny horses.
Apparently, screwing
over your friends
is in Carl's blood--
his adopted blood.
All right, this is it,
Carl's family home.
Twenty-two...
Ooh, phew, oh,
that's a lot of letters.
22 Hjorleifsstrati.
So that's why 22 was
Carl's lottery number.
Yeah, and that's why his
sweatpants say "Hjorleifsstrati"
across the butt.
(grunts)
The gates are locked.
Well, then we'll just have
to wait for him to come out.
Oh, man, stakeouts
are so boring.
I wish I had something
to look at.
Well, I guess I'll just read
the car rental contract again.
Damage waiver, check.
Return with full
tank of gas, check.
All drivers must be
over the age of 25...
and check.
Love you, Mom.
See you, Dad.
It's Carl!
Wake up, wake up!
Huh?
Huh?
♪
(tires screech)
Ah, damn it, we lost him!
There he is.
And he's got our money!
♪
(panting)
It's no use.
We're perfectly matched.
(grunting)
HOMER:
We did it!
Give us some answers,
or you'll get a mouthful
of rotten shark
fermented in its own urine.
No, no, anything
but the inedible,
repulsive food of
my native land.
Yeah, Carl, tell them
the good reason you had
for borrowing the money.
Look, I admit it.
I gave you the
ultimate screw-over.
But I did it to clear
my family's name.
Everyone blames the
barbarian invasion
on my ancestors.
But that saga had
a missing page.
Oh, yeah...
a page was torn out.
My family's always believed
that we fought bravely
against the invaders,
and the missing page
will prove it.
I took the lottery money
to buy that page
and restore my family's honor.
Why didn't you just tell us?
We're your friends.
I didn't tell you because...
we're not friends.
(all gasp)
Friends share their feelings,
their hopes, their dreams.
Friends know their friends
are from Iceland!
We are just guys who sit
next to each other at a bar
and talk about...
ugh... guy stuff.
So all those years
of hanging out meant nothing?
Not to me.
Sorry, Lenny.
That's all right.
Now we know.
It's all out in the open.
I guess it kind of makes it
easier now for me to...
to kill Carl!
(chuckles)
When the nice ones snap,
it's always
a good show.
(clattering, punches landing)
(grunting)
Ow, my eye!
My eye!
My eye!
My eye!
Hey, hey, hey, Lenny,
forget him, forget him!
Look, we still
got the money.
LENNY: What the...?
HOMER: Wha...?
What the hell is this?
That's the missing page
from the saga.
That's what I spent
our lottery money on.
Then this belongs to us.
Please, give it back! Please!
It'll restore my family's honor!
Maybe we'd give it back
to our friend,
but we're not friends, remember?
Sorry, Carl.
It's World War II
all over again.
America kicks Iceland's ass.
No!
Guys, do you think
Carl was right?
What if we're not
real friends?
Maybe we are just
lonely guys who do...
guy stuff.
♪
(people screaming)
(computer chiming))
Hi, Homie!
Did you get the money?
The kids have been stocking up
on pool noodles.
Put the noodles in the shed.
There isn't gonna be
a swimming pool.
Hmm?
Carl spent all our money
on this stupid page
from a stupid saga.
I say we make it
into saga soup
and have ourselves
a soup sip.
(slurps)
That'll show Carl for
de-friending us in real life!
I know Carl did you wrong,
but is destroying something
he cares that much about
really going to make you
feel good?
Well, we won't
know that till after.
Just read the saga
and see what it says.
But how can we learn to read
ancient Icelandic?
With these.
Yeah, my doctor says
it's better for me
not to sleep.
Thorn?
Yes!
Forvitinn.
I can't do this,
I can't do this!
You can't not do it!
Okay, let's see
what this thing says.
"When the barbarian
invaders came,
the Carlsons met them
with their weapons ready..."
LENNY: Wow, Carl's family
really was brave.
HOMER: "...weapons
which they immediately
"threw down in surrender.
"The Carlsons then let
the barbarians in the back gate
"and joined in the sacking,
the looting
"and the volcano-ing
of the village elders.
"The Carlsons
then wrote down this saga
so no one would ever forget
their treachery and cowardice."
Carl's family was even worse
than people thought.
They were the original
ultimate scumbags.
Carl betrayed his friends,
blew the lottery money...
all for nothing.
Hey, guys...
I think I feel bad for Carl.
(speaking Icelandic)
Attention, everyone in Iceland.
We have an important
announcement.
Take a break from
your dreary lives
to hear Americans
lecture you.
Ah! Ah!
Eh!
Is this everyone?
No.
Yes.
I've learned something
about the people of Iceland.
You have endured
barbarian invasions,
total financial collapse
and a lesbian prime minister.
You've managed to survive
on a craphole island
that looks like the moon
and smells like rotten eggs.
And to do that,
you have to be stubborn.
But I ask you to put aside
your stubbornness
while I tell you
about Carl Carlson.
Shame on Carl's family!
The blood of 1,000 tiny horses
is on their hands.
Doesn't matter what happened
1,000 years ago,
for Carl Carlson's honor
has been redeemed
by the deeds of Carl Carlson.
Carl Carlson who helped me move,
even though I moved
the week before.
(crowd gasping and murmuring)
Yeah, and when we were
painting my house,
Carl Carlson brought
that blue tape, you know,
that makes you really look
like you know what you're doing.
You peel it off,
and you got that
super straight line there.
(crowd gasping and murmuring)
And when he brings
a six-pack to my house,
he doesn't take the extras
home with him.
Carl Carlson leaves them
in the fridge.
(crowd gasping and exclaiming)
Carl Carlson is our friend,
even if he doesn't believe it.
If we can forgive Carl
for stealing our
lottery winnings,
maybe youse can find it
in youse's hearts
to forgive his ancestors.
The many small kindnesses
of Carl Carlson
have redeemed his
family forever.
Mom, Dad, our family can
show our face in public
for the first time
in 1,000 years.
Ai.
Ai.
How can you say these men
are not your true friends?
I... I can't!
(sobbing): I can't!
CROWD:
Ai.
Guys, thanks for teaching me
the true meaning
of male friendship.
The stuff that comes
from in here...
that is guy stuff.
We don't get together
to share our emotions.
We get together to escape them.
Yeah, I'd tell you guys
I love you, but, uh,
I don't want to say it,
and you don't
want to hear it.
To nothing!
Okay, everyone, get ready
to see your brand-new...
Oh, oh! (laughs)
What is it, what is it, what is it?
...keg-pools!
Yay!
Yay!
Hey! Aah!
(kids laughing)
(grunting)
Fine.
I'm going home.