The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 23, Episode 15 - Exit Through the Kwik-E-Mart - full transcript

♪ the simpsons ♪

D'oh!

♪ The Simpsons 23x14 ♪
Exit Through the Kwik-E Mart
Original Air Date on March 4, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

Dad? Dad?

Yes!
Awake! Let's do this!

Dad, I wanted to
give you a heads-up.

Mom's birthday is tomorrow.

It's time to start your
annual mad dash around town

to get her a present that's
not completely insulting.

You know, sweetie, there was
a time when I would've killed



for that information,
but I'm pleased to announce

I've already bought
your mother a present.

And brace yourself,
I put some thought into it.

It's a state-of-the-art

food mash-'em-upper.

Wha...?
Mom is gonna love that!

Love?!

Your mom's gonna
feel so good,

it'll make mere love
seem like chewing tinfoil.

Because today,
I'm getting it autographed.

By who? Lenny?

By the box lady herself!

Whoa-whoa-whoa!

Yeah-ohaa!



Man, oh, man,
look at this place.

Finally, a supermarket
with a clear premise:

"island something."

It's like going to Hawaii
without the murderous locals.

They have jellies made of
fruits I've never heard of!

These'll go great with
betel nut butter.

Wow, I don't believe
the Simpsons

will be shopping at the
Kwik-E-Mart anymore.

Oh, really?

Apu! What are you doing
out of your natural habitat?

I am finding out who my
real customers are,

and who is going to cheat
on my store with some

South Sea sugar shack!

But at the Kwik-E-Mart,
the only fresh fruit

is the one banana
by the register.

You keep your ice cream
right beside the motor oil!

You sell cigarettes to kids.

Now see here, I have
always considered

you cash-giving cows
to be my friends.

And friends do not
betray friends.

Friends are the only
people you can betray!

And you'd do it in a
second for a supermarket

that gives free coffee samples!

Defend yourself, sir!

Convenience forever,
freshness never!

Uh-huh.

Would you sign this
for my wife Marge?

She's a big fan and
her birthday is tomorrow.

Uh-hm, you know, while I was
signing this for your wife,

I just cooked up...

...a great idea!
Oh...

How would you like it

if I called your wife live

from my show tomorrow
to wish her a happy birthday?

You would do that?!

Oh, my God, this might
be a Marge's birthday

where I get sex!

Ooh! An apron
with a sonnet!

Open mine!
Quick, before it suffocates!

A bunny! Just like the one
I had when I was a girl!

How did you know?

I saw this picture
at Grandma's house,

then I hit the pet stores
till I found one

that looked just like it.

Oh, Bart, you got me
the fluffy pet

I've never stopped
thinking about.

Now, last but not least,
your present, Homie.

Oh!

Wait one second, Marge.

Before you open it,

you're gonna get a phone call

that will make this your
most awesome birthday ever.

Well, we're still
focused on me

instead of watching golf,
so that's pretty good.

The only golf we'll watch is

ladies' golf, and we're
not watching that.

Now in three...
two... one...

I repeat.
One...

Ooooooone...

...ne.

Oonnneee...

Please don't say one again.

Onnneee.

Homie, whatever it is,
it's not happening.

This yolk-separating
camera-hog

was supposed to call you
and say happy birthday!

From her show!

Well, at least you
remembered I like her.

A pity kiss?!

That tears it!

I'm gonna call that Paula Paul

and give her a piece of my mind!

Huh?
The phone's dead.

Normal, normal, normal,
normal, nor...

Uncharacteristic?!

Hm?
A chew-through.

What could have...

- Aw...
- I mean,

Aw, he's trying
to eat "ewectwicity."

You let this monster
into our home,

where he chewed through
our one and only phone cord!

Wait! Maybe Paula Paul
left a message.

Hi, Marge! Paula Paul
here, calling live from

What's On Paula's Windowsill?,

ready to wish you
a happy birthday,

but since you're
not home yet,

we'll go to commercial
and call you right back.

Hi, Paula Paul, calling back
for Marge Simpson!

Kind of a big moment for you,

a little surprised
you're not picking up!

Marge, this is just
plain disrespectful.

I bumped a segment
to do this and

you're making me
look like an ass!

Screw you, Marge Simpson!

Don't read my books
and don't make my recipes!

May my curse follow
you beyond the grave!

Check it out! It's on TV!

They're booing you, Marge!

An audience full of
church groups and Marines!

Marge, go to hell, Marge!

I think that's
enough birthday fun.

Why you little...
I'm gonna get...

No, Homer.

You can't strangle a boy
on his mother's birthday.

Juries hate that.

So instead, boy,
I want you to...

Get in that rabbit cage!

No way, man.
I'm a free-range kid.

No backtalk!
In the cage! Now!

Get in there.

Son, do you
have a minute?

I've been thinking.

I really shouldn't have
put you in there

and left you there while we
were having pizza without you.

So I'm gonna let you out
with my apologies.

Don't wanna come out.

What!?

I like it in the cage.

These cedar shavings are
a hell of a lot better

than my lumpy mattress.

Boy, get out of that cage!

But it's my home now, sir.

I'll poke
a broom in there!

You know I'm
capable of it!

Hey!

Get out of there,

you little brat.

Aah!

Fine.

Stupid kid.

Hmm.

This isn't comfortable at all.

I don't see how a rabbit
could possibly...

There. Finished.

Awesome revenge,
cutting your dad's

face out of a piece
of cardboard.

No, you dweeb.
It's a stencil.

I'm going to take
Homer's ugly face

and spread it
all over town.

Can I come?
Every vandalism spree

needs an obnoxious laugher.

You're in.

Hey, you punks!
What are you doing?!

If you wake up my pigeons,

they're gonna do
their business again.

And these days,
there's no newspapers

so I have to put down
Amazon Kindles.

I'm like...
It's, it's bankrupting me.

♪ Dri-ving-to-work ♪
What the... huh?!

Wait a minute...

that guy on the poster
looks familiar.

Don't just stare back at me,
come up with a theory!

Geez, it's all over the place.

Holy moley!

Quiet night.
Nothin' but the sound

of a spray can and
kids laughing, heh.

Tag, we're it!

Springfield has been hit hard by
a mysterious graffiti artist

and his iconic calling-card,

which we have dubbed
"Mr. Fatso."

Heard about this
thing, boy?

No, no. I'm too concerned
with unemployment.

Hm, sounds like a lie, but
what could he be covering up?

Homie, have you seen our
stencil budget for this month?

Not now, Marge.

Chief, any leads on this
"Vandal Van Gogh"?

I don't traffic
in wordplay, Kent.

But I do have a message for
Mr. Prank Lloyd Wright.

Uh, that's architecture,
not painting, Chief.

They're all artists, Lou.
Why don't you open your eyes.

Now, as for Mr. Prank Gehry,

you may have thumbed
your nose at the police,

and made yourself into a
combination of Robin Hood,

Luke Skywalker and, well,
every rapper ever,

but unless you prove that this
wasn't just a one-time spree,

and take your controversial art
form to the next level,

I am not impressed.

Hmm...

Boy, you like this
necklace I just bought?

Pretty dope,
don't you think?

So, how do you like
working at Swapper Jack's?

Hey, after biting off a man's
nose in a prison race war,

selling pre-cooked
Pad Thai to soccer moms

is pretty darn sweet.

Here, I'm not Jailbird,
I'm just "Bird."

This is a stick-them-up!

Because I have a gun,
you must stick them up now!

Yes, it is loaded, with bullets
that you put in my chest.

Now empty the cash drawer!
Come on!

All right, chill, bro.
Just chill out.

I will chill you,
right between your damned eyes!

For once, the Indian
has been outsourced!

Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh.

Just give me the piece.

No...
You've got a family, dude.

No... Or were you lying when
you begged for your life?

Oh, sweet Vishnu the Destroyer,
what have I done?

Dude, it's okay. The jails, they
don't have room for us now.

Wiggum just makes you do
book reports for Ralph.

But you have to make 'em so it
looks like he's done it.

That's... that's
kinda the hard part.

Where's this 2006 Beaujolais

that's puttin' me
out of business?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

There's a white wine?

And wha-- and a Swiss cheese?

And a peanut butter?

And a potato chip?

And toilet paper?

Wha-what?!

Yo, mysterious pranksters,
it's time for dinner.

Damn it, she knows!

Okay, how do we
buy your silence?

Just throw in a couple of
"fur is murders."

How is fur, murder?

They're just animals.

Dad!

Fine. Fur's murder.

Everything's murder.

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ The streets are ours ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ The streets are ours ♪

♪ These lights ♪

♪ And our street are ours ♪

♪ Tonight... ♪

Bart, you've really
grown as an artist.

Thanks, Milhouse.
We make a great team.

Hold it right there!

The jerk in the glasses
did everything!

Whoa!
Waah!

Need... inhaler...

Oh, God, man!

Here, drink this
paint thinner.

So, you're the two punks
who've been tagging the town.

Congratulations.

Huh?

We're street artists.

Take that, Ronald Reagan!

Even in death,
you're not that safe from me.

Is that graffiti or are you
opening up a Mommy and Me?

That's it. You just got yourself
a place on the wall, kid.

Nooo!
I've been satirized!

Who are you guys?

Kenny Scharf,
Robbie Conal.

I'm Shepard Fairey.

What was that name again?

Shepard Fairey.

Haw-haw!

I'm the guy who created
the Obama "Hope" poster,

and the "Obey" stickers.

Man, you're the
talkiest bullies I ever met.

We're not bullies,
we're artists.

And so are you.

Urban vandalism is now the
hottest art form there is.

Hey, I got an F in art.

Mainly so it would say
"fart" on my report card.

Bart, we would love to
set up a gallery show

for your street art.

Well, if it's in a gallery,

how is it street art?

Bart, street art is not about
questioning authority.

Well, I'll have to
discuss it with my partner.

Bart, say yes!

At the opening, I could
wear a sports jacket

with a t-shirt and jeans!

First, I'm not sure
you have the shoulders for it,

and second, maybe we've
pushed this far enough.

I put you in a rabbit cage!

I poked your flab back in,
square by square.

Count me in.

Apu!

It is a miracle!

What now?

Swapper Jack is reuniting

Led Zeppelin in aisle six?

Swapper Jack's is closing!

No. Do not give me
false hope like

the time they said it
was only sextuplets.

It is true!

Every successful corporation

harbors a terrible secret.

Theirs is that what they sell as
chicken is actually monkey.

But the drumsticks...

Stunted monkey tails.

And their chicken pot pie?

Monkey pot pie!

But how 'bout their
rotisserie chi--

Monkey, monkey, monkey!

They scoop them up off the
streets of Brazil!

So, we have won.

Finally I am lucky at something.

You were lucky at love.

Yeah, sure, baby.

Hey, Bart, check this out.

Look at me,
I'm Mr. Fatso!

It's funny 'cause
it's so preposterous.

Yeah.

We've hit the big time!

"I, Carumba"?!

Not so loud.

If my Dad hears
about the show,

he might realize
Mr. Fatso is him.

What the...?

You idiot.
Mr. Fatso is you!

What? No. It can't be.

That's right, numbskull.

Your son's made a fool of you
in front of the whole town.

Shut up!
I'll fix you!

Well, I'll fix you.

Go drive a car!

Yes, master.

Here, car!
Here, boy!

Excellent installation, dude.

And a great excuse for me to
bust out my courtroom jacket.

Thanks, guys. I, um...

Ooh, this collar's feeling
pretty tight.

Help! Help!

Oh, this is just a dream.

All I have to do is wake up.

Why, you little...

Pay for your genius!

Oh, what's the use?

When a man isn't a hero
to his son, he's nothing.

I like what used to make a
neighborhood look dangerous

now makes it
look sophisticated.

I like how the painting
makes more than I do.

Looks like Dad's not coming.

He won't leave the car.

I can see how this show
might not be to his liking.

Come on, Dad.

You made me mad,
so I got back at you.

How was I to know
parents had feelings?

Well, we do.

I want to show you
I understand how you feel.

And they say a picture's
worth a 1,000 words.

You just ruined my car.

Correction, it's worth
ten times as much.

$500! Whoo-hoo!

Thanks, boy.

You're welcome.

And from now on, Dad,

if anyone laughs at you,
they've gotta go through me.

Really? Anyone?

What about the Hulk
riding a rhinoceros?

Would you stop him
from laughing?

Wait, is the Hulk laughing,
or the rhinoceros?

Both, but the rhinoceros
doesn't know why.

He's just trying to fit in.

Dad, it's getting
cold out here.

Art lovers and Bart lovers!

First of all, I'd like to
thank the good folks

at Springfield Arts Daily
for setting this up.

Thank you for bringing us
a fresh new voice.

- Yes..
- Yes... yes.

As a graffiti artist, there are
so many people to thank...

people who build walls...

nighttime, for being dark...

Hold it right there,
Spray-candy Warhol!

Bart Simpson, you're under
arrest for tagging the town.

This overdue art-quake
that taught us all

a new way of seeing,
was actually

a police department sting.

It was?

Yeah. Do you think people
would be stupid enough

to pay for something
some amateur

put on a wall for nothing?

Oh, no, indeed!

Now if I can just get
my $3,000,000 back.

No refunds.

But he just said
the show was a sham.

Oh, it is. And I'm just
a guy sitting at a table.

The only thing
that's real, is the sign

that says "no refunds."

Ooh...

Wait, Chief.
I must know...

who tipped you off?

Eh, probably shouldn't
tell you this,

but, uh, it was
our undercover officer,

Shepard Fairey.

You're an undercover cop?

Hey, don't be so surprised.

I spent 20 years putting up
posters that said "obey."

What gives,
Daddy-O?

I thought you were the dean of
the underground scene.

I'm not in the business of
helping out posers any more.

Now, I just sell
stuff to them.

Wait, wait, wait!

He's just a boy.

Do you have to put him in jail?

Well, we've gotta teach
him a lesson somehow.

Hmm...

Chief, I believe I have the
answer in the back of my car.

Hm!

There you go.

Thanks for coming out.

I need to go
to the bathroom.

Uh, knock yourself out.

All right, time's up!

Aw, aw, aw, no!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

Shh!