The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 23, Episode 14 - At Long Last Leave - full transcript

The entire town votes to kick the Simpsons out of Springfield, so they decide to move to "The Outlands."

D'oh!

♪ The Simpsons 23x14 ♪
At Long Last Leave
Original Air Date on February 19, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

Why, you little...!

Good evening. It is with great
sadness I inform you

that America and China
have declared war,

and a massive nuclear attack
is expected

to reach our shores
within the hour.

That's the sort
of hypothetical emergency

today's disaster preparedness
drill is designed

to get us ready for.



Hmm?

All Springfielders should now
move off the streets

and inside their homes.

Please avoid
the superstitious panic

which marked
the recent lunar eclipse.

Sorry, Dad. I was
afraid the dragon

wouldn't cough the
moon back up.

You idjit! The dragon always
coughs the moon back up!

I know it's futile,

but I must again point out
there is no dragon.

Then why am I paying
$800 a year

in dragon insurance?

Again, I maintain
that money would be

better spent on
car insurance.



Lisa, everyone knows
dragons do not attack cars.

Geez, pick up a book.

I pick up books
like you pick up beers!

Then you have
a serious reading problem.

Now remember,
this is only a drill.

Ah!
The missiles really are coming!

The so-called drill is just
a way to get you into shelters

without causing total chaos!

Is what I would say,
if this weren't a drill.

This is not a drill!

Now we're supposed
to stay down

in our storm cellar
for three hours.

So do your farting now.

Homie, what if that was the
last thing you ever said?

Don't worry.
My last words will be

"I can outrun that lion."

All right, everybody in.

All right, who's the wisenheimer

that's been eating
the powdered food?

Not me.

Two can play at that game.

I can do this!
I can do this!

Boy, I told you
an hour ago,

stop that!

But Bunkerball is
keeping us sane!

Do we really have to sit here
the whole time?

I mean, if we went out now,

it might be cool
to see the town empty.

Yeah, I could sneak into the
school and write whatever

I want on the chalkboard!

I could see a planetarium show

without the secondhand
marijuana!

And I can drive drunk
while I'm actually sober!

It's fun, but
not as fun.

That's odd.

Why are all those cars
parked at City Hall?

Ay caramba!

If I didn't know better,
I'd say it's a town meeting.

Not without us, it isn't.
Pull over.

Welcome to this secret meeting,

made possible
by the fake disaster drill.

And a special thanks
for the hard work

of the Mystery And Secrecy
Committee.

We have names, you know.

Quit complaining!
You only meet once a month!

Yes, but the meetings last
eight hours!

Shut up! Shut up!

This is the most
fun I have!

And now for the reason
we are here.

What's going on?

Why is there a
picture of us?

This isn't good.

Oh, honey,
why must you always assume

that a huge picture of us

at a secret meeting we weren't
told about is a bad thing?

The results are in: this town
has voted unanimously

to get rid of Springfield's
unending nightmare:

the Simpsons.

D'oh!

They're here!
The monsters are here!

Moe, it's me, Marge.

I'm your friend.

The monster queen
is coming on to me!

Why would you want
to banish us from Springfield?

Yeah.

We're like family to you.

I'm talking to you,
headphone-bus-driver guy.

I'll have you know
I'm also a hair donor!

Salma Hayek wore me
to the Oscars!

This is not about who wore
whose hair where.

We are here
to banish the Simpsons,

although we are not pleased
to be doing so.

I am!

Me, too.

I feel like a kid at Christmas!

I believe you know my position.

I know we're all happy.

I'm just trying
to spare their feelings.

Those freaks have no feelings!

Even baby never cry!

She's a freak!

What baby does that?!

Why would an entire town
go to all this fuss

to get rid of one family?

What have we done
that's so terrible?

I'm glad you asked.

The simple fact is
the city is going broke

cleaning up after Homer's
drunken shenanigans...

We won! Whoo-hoo!

Homer, that is not
banishment-hearing behavior!

...Bart's pranks,
which dwindle in humor

as they rise in destruction...

...and Liser's environmental
initiatives...

If I may speak.

Mm-hmm.

We're not monsters.

We're just people.

People who love each other
and love this town,

the only place
we've ever called home.

Thank you.

Marge, you are a sweet woman

and you make us see your family
in a more forgiving light.

Thank you.

Which is why you're
the worst Simpson of all!

- Huh?!
- Yeah, yeah!

Now, now, now
just a second here.

Now, I know we're not perfect.

but, uh, I believe it was
Sammy Hagar who said...

Silence!

D'oh!

That was an "inside me" bone!

Make way for Captain Coolerhead!

Now, I like a good old-fashioned
witch trial

as much as the next person,

but I do not think
we should be so quick

to judge our long-time
neighbors.

Not so fast, Flanders.

We knew you'd be
the voice of mercy,

and we're prepared
to answer your concerns.

Any other objections?

I withdraw my... diddily.

(band playing "Happy Days
Are Here Again")

Oh... I always thought
"tarred and feathered"

was just a figure of speech.

Good luck patching potholes
and stuffing pillows now!

Simpson, in accordance
with article six,

section two
of the town charter...

Wait! If you banish us,

you shall be cursed
with a thousand-year drought.

I mean, a thousand-year flood!

D'oh! I mean, a thousand years
of perfect weather.

Just get out.

♪ I'm a rolling stone ♪

♪ All alone and lost ♪

♪ For a life of sin ♪

♪ I have paid the cost... ♪

Oh, that was the last
Springfield radio station.

Now we just get
Shelbyville talk radio.

If you see a Simpson,

do not try to reason with it.

Just kill it and turn
in the pelt for a free soda.

Soda, eh?

Mmm.

Dad, where are we going?

Do we have a plan?

Oh, let's face it.

I'm the one that's
brought this fate upon us.

And there's only one way out:
I've gotta man up.

Okay, manning up...

manning up.

Manning...

oh, girling down!

Girling down!

Hey, Henrietta Hippo,
I've got to drain the inchworm.

Fine.

Please, put that down.

I just got started.

Not you. Him!

You best get back
where you belong.

Please, sir, we've been
thrown out of a place

we've always called home.

We just want to live out
our lives in peace.

Rejected by society, huh?

Well, why didn't you say so?

Welcome to the off-the-grid
unincorporated settlement

we proudly call "The Outlands."

We've found a new home.

When God shuts a door,
he opens a window.

Oh, I wouldn't be
openin' no windows.

Coyotes will
take your baby.

D'oh!

Eh, I'm sick
of watching Fox.

Let's get
some fresh air.

I got the ATVs right out back.

Should I get
my helmet?

Helmet? That's
Springfield talk.

Is there gas in these?

Springfield talk!

Well, how are we supposed
to get fuel?

Private plane crashes.

Ah, smell that
unpolluted air!

You know, I'm glad
we're in exile.

Yep, I never realized
how much I hated

every single one of my
friends and relatives.

I don't think this place
is so great.

I'm trying to make
the best of things,

but I'm worried Maggie
is falling in with a bad crowd.

I miss our home,
and I want to go back.

It's not perfect here,

but it is close to nature

and if you have
an axe to grind,

WikiLeaks is
right over there.

How're you doin',
Mr. Assange?

That's my personal
information,

and you have no right
to know about it.

Hey, but we're neighbors.

would you like to come over
for a movie sometime?

Is it Iraqi journalists
being murdered?

Don't be ridiculous.

It's an Afghan wedding
being bombed.

Aw...

Well I've got a really big
secret for you.

I'm not wearing any underwear.

You know, you should
really get out less.

He's no Ned Flanders.

And I miss the
Springfield sign

and how every street
is a dead end.

God help me, I even
miss Helen Lovejoy

criticizing
my brownies.

Hey, baby, banned forever

doesn't mean you can't
go back sometimes.

Yes, it does.

Pipe down, boy!

I'm sneaking you
back into Springfield.

Oh, Smithers?

Homie, these
disguises won't fool anyone.

Pish tosh, Smithers,
and fiddle-dee-dee!

Heh-heh, nailed it.

Hold it right there.

Mr. Burns, you might catch
a cold out this late.

You want my jacket?

Here, let me warm
my gun up for you.

Excellent!

Yeah, it wouldn't be you
if you didn't say "excellent."

You know what's great
about you, Marge?

After all these years, you can
still shinny up the donut

and then pull me
up after you.

Look! A shooting star!

Ah...

You ever wonder if there are
donut shops on other planets?

On a night like tonight,
I have to believe there are.

Strike! Whoo-hoo!

Want to make out
over the foul line?

Ever since the day we met.

The old homestead.

Remember when we moved in

and I talked like this?

Ooh, ooh...

Mmm, mmm, mmm...

Eh, there's no sex
like fugitive sex.

Home sweet squat.

Yeah. This place is awesome,
but it's not puppy-safe.

And my little guy's
coming home tomorrow.

Someone's downstairs!

Shh. I think I heard
a pair of underpants

being picked up
off the ground.

Big ones.

It's them!

Bart's mom
and the fat guy!

Let's turn
them in!

Not so fast.

This case was already cracked

by the last person you'd expect:

the Chief of Police!

You really thought
you could fool me

with that
Burns and Smithers getup.

I mean, I'm not the sharpest
pencil in the... pencil thing,

but I'm least as smart as a cat.

Right, Lou?
Uh, what breed, Chief?

I mean, I saw an
Abyssinian once who

could change channels.

Eh, that is pretty smart.

All right,
you caught us.

What are you gonna do about it,
throw us out of town again?

Crucify them!

And screw the boulder in tight!

Make them write monologue jokes!

Cancel their subscription
to the opera!

We hate opera!

Then get them a subscription
to the opera!

No...!

I say shoot 'em!

Now, hold on
just a minute.

Nobody said anything
about shooting.

I did, just now.

That's right, you did.
Well, all right.

Okay.

Don't even bother
shooting us.

We've found a new
place that we love,

a place that may not
have indoor plumbing,

but it's got something
we treasure more.

Yeah! Non-jerks!

Maybe he's right--

we are jerks.

You want I should spray
some of my Jerk Off on you?

Uh... it's okay.

In our new community,

people accept others
for who they are.

I thought I wanted to
come back to my house,

but instead,

I'm going to go back to my home.

Well, bah to them!

Let's go, Smithers.

Getting a little clingy,
aren't we?

Oh, all right.

That's all it took?

I just had to ask?

Well, I've tightened the bolt.

I think we're good.

You sure this
is a good idea?

This is the outlands, boy.

Ideas aren't good or bad,

they're just free.

Power on!

I was wrong--
there are bad ideas!

There are
terrible ideas!

Now I'm over here!

I'm on it.



Ow!

Lenny Lenford.

You're a long way
from your bar stool.

I'm... I'm here as a friend,

looking for
a better way of life.

Mm.

Hey, Lenny. Welcome aboard.
Whew!

Now, I got to warn you,

if you find a little black
thing on your pillow,

it won't be a mint.

I don't mind-- I want
a fresh start, and so does Carl.

Get her off!
Get her off!

Let her slice off
the tip of your ear,

and she'll go right to sleep.

No.

That's not a choice

you get to make.

Ooh, this is
pretty tasty.

Yup. And I like how it's
dissolving a hole in the cup.

Hey, guys!

What can I getcha?

Forget it! We don't need
some big-city bartender

charging us an arm
and a leg for something

we can do ourselves.

Sure, sure,
I understand.

But if you change your minds,
I'll be here in this cave.

I got a funny feeling
our paradise

is about to get ruined
by unwanted guests.

I probably shouldn't have given
this place five stars on Yelp.

Well, I rented that plane.



Oh, that tears it.

I am not comfortable being this
close to medical care.

Out of here.

What are you
doing here?

I, uh, heard
everything was going great

in your new Eden,
with one flaw:

you lack a corrupt
city government.

True, true.

And a school system
that teaches to the tests,

sneaks the kids the answers
and still fails.

Stop! Stop!

This is everything
we put behind us.

You can't leave
civilization, Marge!

Humanity is an inexorable
upward march!

Or was till
the year 2000.

Well, I did miss a few
things about the grid...

like everything!

Maureen Dowd, we've got
a lot of catching up to do.



I'm sure someone will come back
and tell me where they went.

If I go inside,
they might not find me.

♪ We'll meet again

♪ Don't know where

♪ Don't know when

♪ But I know

♪ We'll meet again

♪ Some sunny day...

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

Aw, come on, man,
we wouldn't leave you behind.

Bless you, boy!

Ow!
Accident.

Here comes another one.

Ow!

Ow!

It's nice to be wanted.

♪ The Outlands.