The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 23, Episode 16 - How I Wet Your Mother - full transcript

Homer pays for challenging karma by becoming a bed-wetter, and the family must break into Homer's dreams Inception (2010)-style to root out the source of the problem.

D'oh!

♪ The Simpsons 23x16 ♪
How I Wet Your Mother
Original Air Date on March 11, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Item being procured:

one standard-sized paper clip.

Hmm.

Did you guys see
that stupid foul call

in the game last night?

See it? We followed the ref home
and beat the crap out of him.

Yeah, I ill think that might've been
a kid who worked at Foot Locker.

Hey, the supply
room's open.



I better close it.

Unguarded stuff...!

Attention, lovers
of free office supplies!

Come and steal things
you can easily afford!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Can someone open this
bottle of mother wolf

placenta for me?

Mr. Burns!

Save me, panic!
Huh?

Oh!

Whoo-hoo!

My rubberized bands!

My binder clips!



My accordion Post-its!

Oh, Lenny, why would
you steal my bear?

I just wanted something
to cuddle at night.

That's my cuddle bear!

I loved him, I shot
him-- he's mine!

It has come to my attention

that you lunch-bagging
wage lizards

are robbing me blind.

If you paid us better,
we wouldn't have to steal!

You don't even work here!

Wha...?! You mean I've been
calling in sick for nothing?

I might not be here
tomorrow, that's for sure.

Only one of you monkeys
wasn't caught

with his sticky paw
in my tin cup.

Homer Simpson.

How you doing there?

Wow, he threw us

under the bus,
and now he's sitting

in the bus driver's lap.

Now, Simpson, how
is it that you alone

managed to keep your moral
compass pointed to true north?

Well, sir, before
I do anything,

I stop and ask myself:

"What would Jesus
and Mr. Burns do?"

You are garbage made flesh!

This is a mockery!

Hush! Now, while Simpson
gets the day off,

the rest of you will write
30-page essays entitled

"Homer Simpson:
Moral Lodestar."

Question: Can we
have fun with it?

No, you may not.

You know, boy,

my dad used to take me fishing
just like this.

More angry texts from work.

That's a lot of eights.

I can't believe you got all your
friends in trouble

and you got the day off!

Hey, it's called karma.

Isn't karma where if
you do something bad,

bad things
happen to you?

A common misconception.

Suck it, karma! Yeah!

I'm talking to you, karma!

Ha-ha-ha!

Karma's a bitch, karma!

Ah, nothing better
than a lazy Saturday morning

lying in a warm, moist bed,

because weekends are...

Moist?!

I wet the bed!

The one embarrassing thing
I've never done!

I...

Marge, from time to time
I've heard you speak

of a "washing machine."

Where would I find
this marvelous contraption?

Why? Are you going
to do the laundry?

Not just the laundry.

That would be weird,

and you might ask questions.

I'm gonna do all the chores.

What the hell are you doing!

Don't yell at me, brain.

This happened on your watch.

You have two jobs--
thinking and bladder control!

I'm doing the best
with what I got.

All you feed me
is reality shows!

I like to watch
Lamar Odom play Xbox

while his giant wife
yells at him.

Is that so nuts?!

Huh?!

Yeah, shut you up.

Now, I'm sure
yesterday's incident

of urination domination
was a one-time deal.

But just to make sure...

Oh, why can't
I cork my wang-wine?

Homer...

you do not yet understand
the meaning of karma.

But isn't karma just an
expression of the dharma?

That is
beside the point, okay?

If something bad
is happening to you,

it must be because of
something you did to others.

Deep down, I must be
feeling guilty

about getting
my friends in trouble!

And my problem won't stop till
I make things right with them!

But first, a little
more sleep, hm?

This is the best "I'm sorry"
party Homer's ever thrown.

Who the hell are you?

I'm sorry.
Cheese on that?

Sorry. Hey, Lenny.

Sorry.

One more announcement.

Make sure you whack

"piñata me"
and not "real me."

A lot of work

went into this thing.

Die! Die!

Die!
So, I got to know,

do you guys
forgive me?

Oh, yeah!

Ain't no problem that free food
and free booze won't fix.

Free?! Uh...

Oh...

Free it is!

Thanks, guys.

Tomorrow morning

my sheets will be as dry
as the surface of Mars,

except for the poles.

What the...?

Wet? Again?

Oh, I did the right thing
for nothing!

There's only one solution left.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm-hmm.

Homer Simpson!

You forgot your receipt for
your adult bedwetting product!

Homer Simpson!

Are you there?!

Mm-hmm, okay.

Place detection pad here.

Connect alarm hook-up... here.

Now, that's what I call
looking out for number one.

What's going on?

Uh, uh, that was
just the fire alarm.

Try to go back to sleep.

Shut up!

Oh...

Whoa-hoa-hoa!

What's going on?

Is this a joke?

Son, I'm afraid the
Uralarm Whiz-no-more 9000

is no joke.

What is going on?

Kids, there's something
I have to tell you.

Your mother and I
are wetting the bed.

"We're" wetting the bed?

Hey, when you were pregnant,
everything was "we."

I'm so turned on.

What?

I'm sorry, Homie.

A diaper just isn't sexy.

What about Cupid?

He's smokin' hot.

He's a baby with wings.

Marge, it's not the diaper,
it's what's inside.

That's just not
doing it for me.

Oh...

♪ ♪

Professor Frink,
are you all right?

Oh, yes, yes,
I'm fine, my dear.

I was just trying to get past
the New York Times pay-wall,

and then kaboy!

And what brings you out
in the middle of the night?

It's kind of embarrassing.

Yes, I heard about your
husband's bedwetting problem.

How do you know
about it?

Tweeted by Bart,
re-tweeted by Krusty.

Well, perhaps I can help.

You see, I have
invented a device

that allows you to enter
someone else's dreams

and explore their
subconscious.

So we can go inside
Homer's sleeping mind

and find out why
he's wetting the bed?

Uh, yes. In fact,
I just used it

to cure another Springfielder
of his particular obsession.

Normal Stu likes
normal things!

Hmm.

We're actually entering
Dad's dreams?

Yes, yes. You see,
it's the only way

you can uncover the
psychological trauma

that is causing your
father's secret shame.

Why does Maggie
have to go?

What am I,
a babysitter?!

So no
school for me.

♪ ♪

Hey, guys,
whatcha doing in my dream?

Trying to fix your broken brain.

My brain's fine.

In my dreams, I'm
an intermediate skier!

♪ ♪

Ski patrol!
Everybody be cool!

It's Death!
I recognize him

from 40th birthday cards.

Homie, this
might be a clue.

What's in that coffin

could be behind your
nighttime oopsies.

You wet the bed?!

Oh... great!
Now Death knows!

What do you see?

Uh, nothing,
typical dream nonsense.

Relax.

Everyone knows
that if you die in a dream,

you just wake up.

Oh, uh, actually,

because I neglected to install
the latest Adobe Acrobat update,

if you die in the dream,
you die in real life.

Incidentally, I've also proven

that Hell is real,
and everyone goes there.

Frink out.

Wait a minute,
I can't die.

Mommy.

Listen, everyone.

We should fall asleep
in this dream.

One minute at this level

equals two hours one
dream level below.

Wait, dreams have rules?

Everything has rules, Bart.

Not me, when I hit
the dance floor.

Ooh-ooh-ooh!
Ah-ah-ah!

Bart!

Can the chatter
and fetch me a baloney sandwich.

Why don't you
fetch it yourself, man.

Bart's making faces!

Shut up, you kids,
and bring me baloney.

Wait nicely.

Simpson family?

Now, I believe that to
solve Homer's problem,

he must face what's
inside the coffin.

Forget it, Doc.

What if that's
my marriage in there?

Marriage, shmarriage.

What's in the box, man?

See what your monkeyshines
have done, boy?

Still smells better than
your gym socks, man.

Why you little...

I'll teach you to make fun
of my socks.

Here, quick!

Everyone into my dream!

What brings thy merry band
to Stratford's plains?

Forsooth,
a myst'ry doth confound...

In your dreams.

We never do my thing.

Ooh...

Huh?

I know this dream.

It's the land of my
innermost thoughts

and fondest desires.

At last we'll get
to the bottom of...

Welcome back, handsome.

Uh, Marge,
this is my friend Keggy.

Mmm...

Oh...

In this fantasy Kwik-E-Mart,
you get your change in bacon.

Whoo-hoo!

In this place mothers
are for drunk driving.

Chug! Chug! Chug!

Hey Dad, if this is
your fantasy world,

how come Flanders is here?

Hi-diddly-ho, dream team!

Where's my God now?

Homie!

We're here to find answers
to your problem.

We know there's a
marriage in trouble,

and it has something
to do with fish.

Oh, lighten up, Marge.

I take you
to the Disneyland of me,

and you just want
to go to the lost and found.

Well, guess what?

We're staying
in this dream forever.

Whoo-hoo!
Wheeee!

I'm in me!

Oh, I love the down part!

Here it comes! Whoo-hoo!

Unplug these people,
Dr. Ker-dork-ian!

Oh, you foolish man,
if I unhook them now,

I won't know if this
is safe to use on chimps!

All right,
I'll do it myself.

Give me that, give me it!
No!

Oh, the largeness!

Quick!

Gum up the gears with Moes.

Hey, you know what's good for
cleaning Moe gunk

out of your gears?

White vinegar. Yeah.

Uh, we're goona be here
a long time.

Oh Death, you're a life saver.

Thank you, Death.

May I ask, what's
taken so long with Larry King?

I am not...

Death.

Mom?!

Grandma

So your alive?

No. But I live on
in Homer's dreams.

Just like my hair.

It's Jennifer Aniston's hair
on Friends.

Exactly like Chandler,
always criticizing.

Now, I have something
to show you.

Something that just
might help Homer wake up dry.

Hmm.
Wow.

Roomy.

While you boys are out
playing in the boat

I'll go to the store
and pick us up some dinner.

No need. With two Simpson
men in the boat

will bring you back
a pile of fish.

I'm in charge
of the tackle box

Ha-ha. And we're off

Bye.

Man Homer, you've
always been a loser.

Why you little...
there's nothing in this dream

world that can't strangle you.

Um, I hear you and mommy
yelling again last night.

Oh, no, no.

It was just a TV show.

Mitch Miller was yelling
at one of his idiot singers.

You just concentrate
on catching the fish

and not whether there'll be
someone there to cook it.

I got a bite!

We got a fish!
We got a fish!

All right,
settle down there, boy.

After we eat it,
can we let it go?

Can we catch
a submarine?

You got home hours late
with no fish.

It was only
a few weeks later

that I left your father
for good.

You left him because
I tipped the boat over

and ruined the vacation?

Pathetic.

A kid who can't keep
his parents' marriage together

is no kid at all.

It's true!

I failed the basic duty
of childhood.

And then when
I took Bart fishing,

it all came back, and the guilt
made me wet the bed.

Case closed.

Mm-hmm.

Now, let's return
our dream skis.

Case not closed.
Hmm?

Homer, you have nothing
to feel guilty about,

and I can show you.

Roll the
film, Cletus.

"Roll the film, Cletus."

"Kiss me, Cletus."

Whatever you say, boss lady.

Sorry, Mona.

We had more of an adventure
than we planned on.

It's okay, Abe.

You brought back
the only treasure I care about.

And when the time came that
I had to leave your father,

I knew you were
in good hands.

I'm cured!

I'll never
wet the bed again.

And maybe you'll stop
overeating, too.

No can do, baby.

And never
forget, Homer:

the three of us will always
be together, in your memory.

Right next to
the movie trivia.

Stanley Kubrick
wanted Robin Williams

to star in The Shining.

Casablanca was originally
going to star Ronald Reagan.

There was a Grease 2,
and I wasn't in it.

Whoa!
Hey, watch it!

There you go again.
Shazbot!

And now you'd better
run along, sweetheart.

Good-bye.

Hmm?

Hmm?

Huh?

Whoo-hoo! I'm dry!

Come on, everybody,
feel Daddy's underpants!

We'll take your
word for it.

So what do I do again?

Spin the top.

If it falls over,
we're in reality.

If it spins forever,
we're still in a dream.

All right.

Look at it go!

All right!

Hey, since it's a dream,

let's ride our bikes naked
around town.

Sounds like a plan.

Is that hail coming down?

It's just dream hail.

Ow! Ooh! Ow!

Dream hail!

Hey, there's a dream truck.

Ow!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

♪ When you were little,
you dreamed you were big ♪

♪ You must have been something,
a real tiny kid ♪

♪ When you were big
and needed advice ♪

♪ You reached for your mom ♪

♪ You dreamed me alive ♪

♪ And your dream had a name ♪

♪ And the name told your story ♪

♪ It's called, growing up ♪

♪ You're the dream operator ♪