The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 22, Episode 15 - The Scorpion's Tale - full transcript

Ah!

D'oh!

Meep, meep.

Meep, meep.

Hey, this was one of the
planets on Star Trek.

It's so hot I want
to wedgie the sun.

I wet my arm-pants.

Children, I hope we all have
a pleasant and orderly day

here at "Satan's Anvil."

No one knows why the early
settlers called it that,

and I suppose we never will.



Now remember to stay
hydrated, and...

Rattlesnake!

Ha! You fall for that
every year, Seymour.

And the one year I didn't, I was
bitten by an actual rattlesnake.

Yes, if I recall, you took
a sick day you did not have.

I was going to lose my foot.

Of which you have two.
Mm...

Ah!

Greetings, desert dwellers.

Git out.

The second we let one
trespasser on our land,

then every goldang...

Aw, for crying out loud,

It's like Grand Central Station
around here.



Now, Delbert, be nice.

He's just a boy.

Oh, sure, first they send a boy,

then a prairie dog,

then they send in them
black helicopters.

Sir, you have won a National
Endowment For The Arts grant

for your scrap-metal sculptures.

You'll have to put that check
in my cold dead hands.

Hmm.

This park's environment
has been preserved

free of invasive species,
except for one... rock climbers.

Uh, my jaw is not a toe-hold.

But if I reach your summit,

I'll have climbed rangers
on seven continents.

Fine.

Oh, I sprained my ankle!

I'm gonna die up here.

Hang on, I'm coming up for you.

Hurry before it gets dark.

This next move is tricky. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

The legends are true.

Did you find gold?

Better... the prospectors
left naughty French postcards.

Whoa, mama!

Bart, this is fool's porn.

I'll take it off your hands.

C'est si bon.

Si bon. Si bon.

And... remorse.

"While beautiful, the desert
also harbors hidden dangers:

"cacti, poisonous snakes,
and most deadly of all...

Scorpions!"

They calm down when they're near
the Springfield Silvertongues.

Hmm.

Now they're aggressive again.

I'm sure there's a correlation,

but could there be a...
causation?!

These flowers saved me
from a terrible fate...

not getting an "A" on
my next science project.

Lisa, we have to go.

Milhouse found a hippie
skeleton and he's freaking out.

Never get off the bus!

Never get off the bus!

Check it out! Something
pathetic's going on.

You can't throw me out!
I'm not dead yet!

That's the deal, man!

I'm sorry, Abe,
but you're just too cranky.

I got a right to be cranky.

The food stinks and the TV's
only got one channel.

That's a fish tank.

You're a fish tank.

That is so hurtful.

I wish I was a fish tank.

Then I could filter
out his nasty words.

Call me a fish tank...

Just go, Abe.

That doesn't seem fair...

they won't let him escape,
then they kick him out.

I wonder where he'll go.

Either the grave or
somewhere much worse.

Sour cream and chives?

In my day,
all we put on potatoes

was pine needles
and barber hair.

I hate this century.

Okay, we're going to take turns
having Grampa as a roommate.

Who wants to go first?

Me! Me!

I want him every night,
forever and ever.

'Cause I love my...

Nose in a funny book, how rude.

Ain't you never heard
of conversation?

Fine.

How's it going?

Terrible.

I got this new roommate
and he won't stop yapping.

Here's an experiment for you:

Find a man who wants
to marry a lady poindexter.

Homie...

Hey, you call that making love?

Homer, I told you he
wouldn't sleep through it.

In my day, women
didn't make a sound.

This calls for some
Springfield Silvertongue.

Dad, look.

This essence of a wildflower

makes these angry
scorpions docile.

That's great, honey.

If you were a boy,
you'd be a scientist.

Back off, you mutt.

Or I'll make dog-head
soup out of you.

Hmm, if it works on nasty
scorpions, then maybe...

it'll work on nasty stains.

It does.

And there's something else
it might be good for.

Why are you guys
eating so fast?

Trying to get out of here
before Grampa wakes up.

That's him!

Mom, quick, our lunches!

Go! Save yourselves!

Good morning, family.

It's such a beautiful day,

I thought I'd take my little
friend here for a walk.

Abe, are you feeling all right?

Never better.

The sun is shining, there's
a spring in my slippers

and my wonderful son woke me up
with a delicious cup of coffee.

Hmm...

Dad, is there anything
unusual in Grampa's coffee?

Uh, you look tense.

Let's discuss this over a cup
of Grampa's coffee.

Here you go, champ.

Go buy yourself some
rock-and-roll records.

To the antique store.

Now, what can I do for you?

Eat something green?

Vote for someone brown?

Dad, I know what you did.

- And I locked the back door.
- D'oh!

...and that's why you're
acting so sweet and kind.

Because Dad drugged you.

Oh, thank you! Thank you!

Your kisses feel
like raw liver.

But it's not real happiness.

It's just because
of an untested drug.

So what?

There are no
guarantees in life.

We don't know if this...

knife is safe.

Turns out it's not.

The point is, when I'm cranky,
nobody likes me, sweet pea.

Let me live as a happy man
for my remaining 30 years.

Come on, come on,
make with the laffy juice.

I want to take Grampa to have
his belly button pierced.

I could hang
my Purple Heart from it.

♪ Ya-da-dee-dee-dee,
la-da-da-da-da-da-da... ♪

♪ Ya-da-dee-dee...
♪
♪ Do-do-do, do-do-do-do... ♪

It was wrong
of me to play goddess.

Everything everyone just said
is either obvious or wrong.

Homer, do something
about your dad.

He's casting a pall over this
grim dungeon full of losers.

Pfft! Dungeon?!

We can leave anytime we want.

Homer, why don't you just make
some more of the serum yourself?

Oh, because Lisa won't tell
me what flower it's from.

Excuse me...

My name is Walther Hotenhoffer

and I'm in
the pharmaceutical business.

I was wondering when that guy

was gonna state his
name and occupation.

Quiet!

Sir, has your daughter
found a drug

that renders old people
tolerable to us normals?

Yeah, but Lisa won't
tell me how to make it.

Lisa is irrelevant.

You'd better elaborate.

All I need is one
drop of extract,

and I can synthesize
the drug at my plant.

But where do I find that drop?

Nein...

Nein...

Nein...

Nein...

Aha!

Not so fast, Fritz.

Before you waltz off with my
grampa grease, I want to know...

what did you do during the war?

World War II?

I wasn't born yet.

Funny how many Germans
say that these days.

Hmm?

From that one droplet,

I have synthesized
50 different compounds.

Please identify the one
that is ausgezeichnet.

Nothing. Nothing.

Can't feel my fingers.

Feel 'em too much.

Erection.

Derection.

I smell music.

Oh, this'll never work.

But when you're doing it
with people you love,

you just can't help smiling.

Jawohl.

I've isolated the molecule.

Nerd.

Now we test him.

"How do you feel about
the high salaries

of today's
baseball players?"

Oh, don't get me
started on that one.

They're just plain better
than the greats of my day.

God bless them, and their
refusal to learn English.

Huh?

This one didn't
make me feel anything.

D'oh!

These are my "Suitcase Suzies,"

who will use their beauty
and free giveaways

to make sure our drug
is prescribed.

Cool.

Are they robots?

No, robots can develop
human feelings.

We're graduates
of Arizona State.

We scoop them up
by the sorority.

Uh... this is
the nerd fraternity.

Drop them in research.

Nice.

Thank you for the tour
of your factory, Mr. Wonka.

I am not Willy Wonka.

No, no.

You're Augustus Gloop,
the fat German boy.

Ja, it is true, I am Gloop.

Being stuck in that tube
changed me in so many ways.

Gentlemen, we've been doing
a lot of funny things today,

but now I must be scary.

Go ahead.
Here is the prototype of our pill.

Grampapa, no one but you
should take this drug

until it has been through
rigorous trials.

Be careful... if the wrong
hands got hold of it,

a fortune could be made

by selling this drug
on the black market.

Hmm... wrong hands, eh?

That's your cue, boys.

You sell drugs.

Why can't you dress like that?

Because I use them, too, idiot.

No wonder you've
still got pimples at your age.

You got all this
candy in your desk.

They're Tums,
for my acid reflux.

Even your acid wants out of you.

I got something to
stuff in that old bag.

Accursed tide.

Flee from my wrath.

No! I've been moistened!

I've got some junk to put
a smile on that corpse.

Don't player hate.

I'm just a businessboy.

All right, Bart.
What are you up to now?

Now that's what
I call a fishing trip.

That's what I was gonna call it.

Wait, I can't go in there
grinning like a Swede on payday.

It'll rile up poor Lisa

if she knows I'm still
popping that smiley-pill.

Oh, yeah... you better
"grump it up."

Three dollars for
a cup of coffee?!

In my day it cost you a dime and
they gave you back a quarter.

And another thing... the, uh...

It's okay, Grampa...
you don't have to act grumpy.

I know you're taking the drug,

and I don't mind,
'cause you're happy.

Oh! Thanks, sweetie.

I'm sorry I was so stubborn.

I hope you're not mad.

Oh, I ain't mad,

and I never will be again...

thanks to your
wonderful, wonderful...

Let me finish: thanks to your
wonderful, wonderful drug.

It happened
to the scorpions, too.

The flower essence
must have the side effect

of lubricating the eye sockets
to the point of popping.

More saline, please.

At some point, I think
we should see a doctor.

No, it's cool... it's like
we got our own monster.

Your grandfather
is not a monster.

Now, let's chain him
in the basement

until the circus comes to town.

Sounds good.

At least no one else
has taken this drug.

Bart, why are you
tugging on your collar?

It better be tonsillitis.

Well, actually...

I may have accidentally traded a
few of those pills for money...

Which I may have already spent,

ironically,
on these novelty eyeglasses.

Howdy, handsome.

Look!

Ooh!

Ooh, yeah, yeah.

Who loves Mommy's eyeballs?

Oh, there's a kitty
gonna sleep good tonight.

Yes, you are.

So, I guess we're all
in the same boat, huh?

Nein, nein.

My boat is me
and hundreds of lawyers.

Your boat has you
and a lot of people

with their eyes falling out.

Walther, when a man puts
something on a Frisbee,

he should stand by it.

See?

You are right.

As always, the Frisbee is
the mirror to the soul.

Mr. Hotenhoffer,
there's a mob outside.

An angry mob?

No, a cheerful mob.

I'd like to have just one day

when I don't put
a gun to my head.

Now, I ain't much
for speeches...

But we sure do appreciate
what you done for us,

and, uh, we were just hoping
we could get more of that drug.

Lots more.

Those poor googly-eyed fools.

I cannot exploit them like this.

I will have to be content
exploiting their fear

of losing hair and penis.

I will destroy the drug.

What? Well, I never...

Walther, let's not be so hasty.

Who would begrudge
them a few years

of shambling, dope-fogged,
into the grave?

Besides, our generation's got
everything under control.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I was supposed to be
drunk an hour ago.

To Moe's.

Flat tires?

No problem.

Oh!

Homer, use your head.
Just buy a new car.

Great idea, but I don't
have any money.

You could take out a loan
with your house as collateral.

And I wouldn't have to pay it
back for three more years.

What are the odds
of that much time happening?

Pretty close to zero, I'd say.

Problem solved.

Generation awesome
does it again.

Boo-ya!
Oh, yes!

All right,
you googly-eyed geezers,

turn up your hearing aids...
I've got something to say.

Together, we survived the
Depression, won a few wars

and put a man on the moon.

In fact, the only mistake
our generation made

was creating that generation.

If we want to set
these bumblers straight,

it's going to take all the
crankiness we can muster.

So put down those pills,
pop in your eyeballs

and "upside-down" them smiles.

Let's do as he says.

Wow, their "can-do"

will bail out our
"won't-try" every time.

So I guess the lesson here is...

If you go on a field trip,
don't break off from the group.

And if you are a fat little boy
in a chocolate factory,

never try to drink
from the river.

The tube.

My God.

Every night I see the tube.