The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 22, Episode 13 - The Blue and the Gray - full transcript
After visiting a seminar to help boost his confidence around women, Moe employs Homer as his wing man only to find Homer has more luck with the ladies than he does, meanwhile Marge finds her first gray hair.
D'oh!
You!
♪ The Simpsons 22x13 ♪
The Blue and the Gray
Original Air Date on February 13, 2011
♪ You're nobody ♪
♪ Till somebody ♪
♪ Loves you ♪
♪ You're nobody ♪
♪ Till somebody cares ♪
Da-yee...
You know,
I love our Valentine's Day
tradition
of going out with
each other's sisters.
Is there anything better
than my best friend's face
on a girl body?
Not that I can think of.
Nothing better.
Boy, I love
Valentine's Day.
Stir a drop of Jagermeister
into some pink lemonade,
slice in some
strawberry ChapStick,
Mmm...
call it Cupid's ambrosia,
and you can charge
up to the wazoo.
Now all you need are customers.
Well, better get home
to the little woman.
Do you have plans
for tonight?
What, are you crazy?
Of course I do.
Got a hot date.
Come on, scram,
so I can get ready.
I'm telling you,
I'm fine.
I never been happier.
See? There.
There, that's a smile, right?
Showing teeth, eyes all crinkly.
Hey, hey, stop
opening doors!
Coming up next on World of War,
Hmm?
"Hitler and Eva Braun:
Crazy in Love."
Even you let me down, Hitler!
Hey, you! Spending
Valentine's Day by yourself?
Huhza?
If you're watching this alone,
your love life is like
Sister Act 3-- no Whoopi!
I knew my love life
was like that movie somehow.
Well, I'm gonna tell you
my secrets right now...
if "right now" means
tomorrow night at my seminar
at the Springfield Airport
Motor Lodge.
So, if you're ready
to turn from couch potato
to sex tornado,
come and see me,
Dr. Kissingher.
Eh, what have I got to lose.
They say for every man
somewhere on Earth
there's one woman.
Homer!
We only have five minutes
until the school bus comes.
Drive my kids to school! Never!
Stupid double snuggler's hitch!
Only hope is to chew off my leg!
Ow!
Ow!
Mmm, not bad.
Just 127 more hours.
Wha...?
My first gray hair!
Oh, Marge, don't worry.
A lot of movie stars
have gray hair,
like all those women
we loved in the '80s.
Homie, you always
mean to say
the nicest things.
Well, it's not easy with
you talking all the time.
Uh, excuse me,
is this the seminar
where you learn
how to pick up free escorts?
Well, we're not learning
how to fold cloth napkins.
Well, I got excited
for nothing.
Gentlemen,
prepare for the potentate
of the potent date,
the know-it-all of the protocol
of the booty call,
Dr. Kiss... ing... her!
Once we were
single-celled organisms
who could replicate
whenever we wanted.
We were men back then!
But today we need more help.
Who's first?
You! The guy who's been here
since 3:00 this afternoon.
It's hell to meet girls when
you're paid in chickens.
Okay, I'm a sexy girl,
and research shows
that my decision
to sleep with you
happens in
the first 6.5 seconds.
Go!
Eh, my name's Willie,
and, uh, all I do
is get drunk
and kill squirrels
with me shovel.
Okay, now I'll translate that
into romance language.
Hi. I'm William.
I'm a connoisseur
of fine spirits,
and I love animals to death.
Do me next!
Do me next!
Ah! A monster! Save me!
Sorry, that
was unprofessional.
Please, go on.
Name's Moe Szyslak.
As a kid, I had roundworm.
Heck, I was more worm
than boy for a couple of years.
I dabbled
in Satanism
until I was
asked to leave.
Oh, and one month, I ate
nothing but aquarium fish.
Your only hope
is to use a wingman.
Uh, what's a wingman?
A wingman is a friend...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Now I got to
find a friend?
You need someone
who's secretly on your side,
making you look good to women.
But he can't more handsome
or appealing than you. Okay,
let's take a flip
through the old Moe-lodex.
Ooh.
Bingo. That was a weird day.
Sir, would you
be my wingman?
We could try it out
this weekend
at the "Faculty Follies"
after-party.
One thing-- what if there's
a woman we both like?
Well, we'll use the time-honored
"I saw her first" rule.
What if I see her hand at the same time
you see her face?
Face beats hand!
So, after dinner
I cut his hair,
and he readjusted
my mortgage.
That's what he does.
And how was your
Valentine's Day?
Very romantic.
Homer had the basketball game
muted the whole time.
Oh, and then I found
a gray hair-- no big deal.
Mmm.
Marge, it's time I
told you the truth.
You've been grayer than
a Seattle Cinco de Mayo
for years now.
Really?
Yes, the dye not only
colors your hair,
but the fumes wipe the
experience from your mind.
Jimothy, Aquanetta,
is touch-up time!
Gloves and foil, people!
Let's go!
Crinkle, crinkle!
Whoa! Whoa!
Oh, Janis,
I'm so sorry.
Can we reschedule?
It's a battle of the
Blue and Gray here,
and I am Gaybraham
Lincoln, baby.
Oh, that's okay.
I only needed a touch-up.
My husband and I
can use the time
to take a long,
romantic walk.
Hmm, she doesn't seem so
worried about her gray hair.
Oh, her self-confidence
doesn't come from a bottle.
Now, let's rub this toxic
blue goo onto your scalp.
Mm-hmm.
A little of that.
Mix it up.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
I brought home fried chicken.
And a completely new hairstyle.
A completely new hairstyle.
So, what do you think?
She wants an honest answer.
What do we do?
I don't know.
I don't know!
We could fake
a stroke.
The last time
we faked a stroke,
it led to a real one.
We're running out of time,
people.
We need an answer,
and it has to be great!
So... chicken.
Hmm.
D'oh!
Well, what do you kids
think of the real me? Huh?
I love it.
I know I use the word
"empowering" a lot,
but this time,
it really is that.
I just have one question
about hair.
Where does mine start?
Head, head, head, hair.
Where's the border?
Oh, my God. Me, too!
What are we?
What do you
think, Homie?
Sweetie, you've always
been beautiful,
but now you're
my silver belle.
Let me get the camera
we use for precious moments
and insurance claims.
What has she done?
I feel like I'm married
to Richard Gere.
I can't talk now.
I'm talking to myself.
No, no, Homer. Go ahead.
Thanks, Homer.
It'll just ba a minute.
What's up?
Hey, wingman,
you're supposed to be
here like you promised.
Oh, thank you, prior obligation.
I can't take it.
I'm just going to draw
a hairline on.
So, basically,
my job is to make you
look good by comparison.
Like West Virginia
does for Virginia.
The good doctor
has just the prescription.
"Jumping on the Grenade:"
the wingman engages
the less attractive friend,
isolating the target.
Voop!
You ever notice that pizzas
have gotten so small lately?
They're like dimes.
Yes, that's exactly it!
Well, a girl
could starve to death!
Wow, your friend did
something I could never do.
What's that?
Walk away from you.
"Taking Down a Rival,"
aka "Talk Blocking."
So, Lenny, ever get
that rebar out of your head?
No, they just
sawed off the ends
and painted over the nubs.
Hey, where you going, baby?
Oh, no, you don't.
Nice talk-blocking.
Would you be willing
to wingman for me?
Well, I don't know.
It's a lot of work.
Oh, I just ordered this
bottomless pitcher of beer
and circumference-less
platter of nachos.
Deal!
Need some cooling
down, hot stuff?
Okay, just imagine
she's a Bond girl.
Oh! Judi Dench?!
Kiss me, 007.
Good show,
Mr. Bond.
Help! My macaroni Marconi!
Hmm?
Bart, what happened
to your Mom's hair?
Did she see something scary like
that vampire on Sesame Street?
They should warn you
when he's coming.
I don't want to talk
about my Mom's hair.
Right. It's just weird.
Normally, I think
your mom is hot...
Take that back!
I'm sorry.
What I mean is,
she's not hot anymore.
Take that back!
So moody!
Just like my mom
on her "can't dance" days.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Huh. Let's see
what cousin Jessica's up to.
There's a woman
who's got it all under control.
Hmm?
Ooh!
Marge, your hair--
it's fantastic!
Well, thank you.
No, thank you
for your bravery.
I hope I look half
as good as you
when I give up.
Such audacity!
Grandma had hair
like that
when she went to sleep
in her forever box.
You can't listen
to those women, Mom.
Change threatens them.
They didn't like it
when the Springfield Shopper
started printing in color.
Neither did I.
I didn't want to know what color
the Statue of Liberty was.
But you know what?
I was wrong.
And these ladies are, too.
Ma'am, do you have any
kind of a discount card?
What kind of card?
Well, you know, maybe
you belong to the A.A...
The A.A.? No!
Oh, no, I meant
the A.A...
A.A.A.?
No, I'm not in Triple-A.
I don't like
their Westways magazine.
They'll give four diamonds
to any place
that's got a lid on the toilet.
No, I meant the A.A... R...
P?!
The A.A.R.P.?!
Well, that tears it.
I don't want this milk,
and I'm not gonna take it back.
That's okay. We have a young
man who does that for you.
Oh, right here, ma'am.
Oh, boy, a put-back!
I hope it takes me
by the freezer section.
Stick my head in the pizza case,
it's like a ski vacation!
I can imagine the pepperonis
are Swiss chalets
nestled in a big layer
of mozzarella snow!
Bart, eyewitnesses
to your fight described you
as "berserkoid,"
"totally aggro,"
and said you punched Milhouse,
"like, 50 billion times."
That's an excessive
number of times.
What's bothering you, son?
I-I don't want to talk about it.
Thank God.
I don't want to, either.
Remember, Bart, anything
you say here is confidential.
Can we close the door?
Oh, there is no door.
State regulations.
Hey, Bart!
Still freaking out
'cause your mom aged 30 years
in a day?
Don't judge them too harshly.
They recently learned
they were once two-thirds
of conjoined triplets.
And the third one
is out for revenge.
Now, Bart, share your most
intimate thoughts with me.
I don't think I want to.
Oh. Well, maybe it'd be easier
for you to talk
to my colleague, Dr. Thera-bear.
Well...
Hold on. I'm not allowed
in the room
while you talk
to the bear.
All right, I know there's
a camera in you somewhere.
They never think to look behind
the jazz-fest poster.
So it's true.
Your hair committed
blue-icide.
I thought you'd
be more supportive.
I mean, you went
gray yourselves.
No, we didn't.
This is just
smoke and ash.
So what does your husband,
Vidal Baboon,
think of the new look?
He loves it!
He calls me his
silver belle.
That means he hates it.
If he really liked it,
he'd just paw at it
instead of getting all clever.
Why are you always trying
to cause trouble
with me and Homer?
Our marriage is rock solid!
So, do you think Homer is gonna
be at Club Zipless tonight?
I sure hope so.
Oops, dropped my stirrer.
D'oh!
D'oh!
Well, Marge.
Ready to kick Homer to the curb?
I can bend him
like Beckham.
Sorry, but I'm
fighting for my man!
Give me a double espresso to go.
Ma'am, are you
sure that's wise,
with what I presume
is your heart condition?
Ooh!
Whoo!
Go, granny, go!
Aw, geez, she's coming back!
Run, bullies, run!
Look out, chicks.
The silver fox
is coming to the henhouse.
I'm okay, I'm okay.
Brambles!
Shoo! Shoo, shoo, shoo,
shoo, shoo, shoo!
I'm looking for Homer Simpson.
What, did he eat
your candy house
and push you into the oven?
Odd, that's what the valet
just asked me.
How ya doin'?
Nice to see ya.
Life is good?
Can't complain.
Can't or won't?
You just crossed
a line, pally. Mm.
Oh, Homer,
I've never seen a drunk
hold his vomit like you.
I do keep it together.
Oh. Who is that?
I don't know,
but she looks...
Uh-oh. Usually when
it gets this quiet
Mr. Burns is standing behind me.
Actually, I'm standing
in front of you.
I decided to hit
the local nighteries
with my trusted wingman.
I flew the first packet
of royal mail across
the Khyber Pass,
dodging the
poison-tipped spears
of the dreaded
Zim-Zam Tribe.
So, which of you wants
to be the sliced haddock
in a geezer sandwich?
Hmm. There's a lot of beefcake
on the grill tonight.
Get your hands off my husband!
This is a situation I call
"The Doctor Is O."."
Marge, what are
you doing here?
This bar is for singles
and wingmen only.
That's your wife?
Do you see her
as we see her?
Marge, Marge, put
down that broom.
You've got nothing to be
afraid of from them.
I'm a wingman.
Part of a great tradition
including Val Kilmer
from Top Gun,
Wedge Antilles from Star Wars,
and me, from now.
And you know why
I'm a great wingman?
Because I have
the confidence
that comes from knowing
I get to go home to you.
Oh.
And you know what else this
whole experience has taught me?
True beauty
isn't about hair color?
Probably.
But be honest...
when I say "beautiful woman,"
what pops into your head?
Well, I guess I do
have a type.
Mom, your choice to go back
to blue is so empowering.
But you said going from
blue to gray was empowering.
Well, as a feminist,
virtually anything
a woman does is empowering.
Oh.
Is my job creating power,
empowering?
No. It's oddly
dehumanizing.
Hey, Dad, did you
color your hair, too?
Only my hairdresser
knows for sure.
Oh, hello, young man!
Where's your father?
He's dying
in a retirement home.
Now kiss me.
Shh!
You!
♪ The Simpsons 22x13 ♪
The Blue and the Gray
Original Air Date on February 13, 2011
♪ You're nobody ♪
♪ Till somebody ♪
♪ Loves you ♪
♪ You're nobody ♪
♪ Till somebody cares ♪
Da-yee...
You know,
I love our Valentine's Day
tradition
of going out with
each other's sisters.
Is there anything better
than my best friend's face
on a girl body?
Not that I can think of.
Nothing better.
Boy, I love
Valentine's Day.
Stir a drop of Jagermeister
into some pink lemonade,
slice in some
strawberry ChapStick,
Mmm...
call it Cupid's ambrosia,
and you can charge
up to the wazoo.
Now all you need are customers.
Well, better get home
to the little woman.
Do you have plans
for tonight?
What, are you crazy?
Of course I do.
Got a hot date.
Come on, scram,
so I can get ready.
I'm telling you,
I'm fine.
I never been happier.
See? There.
There, that's a smile, right?
Showing teeth, eyes all crinkly.
Hey, hey, stop
opening doors!
Coming up next on World of War,
Hmm?
"Hitler and Eva Braun:
Crazy in Love."
Even you let me down, Hitler!
Hey, you! Spending
Valentine's Day by yourself?
Huhza?
If you're watching this alone,
your love life is like
Sister Act 3-- no Whoopi!
I knew my love life
was like that movie somehow.
Well, I'm gonna tell you
my secrets right now...
if "right now" means
tomorrow night at my seminar
at the Springfield Airport
Motor Lodge.
So, if you're ready
to turn from couch potato
to sex tornado,
come and see me,
Dr. Kissingher.
Eh, what have I got to lose.
They say for every man
somewhere on Earth
there's one woman.
Homer!
We only have five minutes
until the school bus comes.
Drive my kids to school! Never!
Stupid double snuggler's hitch!
Only hope is to chew off my leg!
Ow!
Ow!
Mmm, not bad.
Just 127 more hours.
Wha...?
My first gray hair!
Oh, Marge, don't worry.
A lot of movie stars
have gray hair,
like all those women
we loved in the '80s.
Homie, you always
mean to say
the nicest things.
Well, it's not easy with
you talking all the time.
Uh, excuse me,
is this the seminar
where you learn
how to pick up free escorts?
Well, we're not learning
how to fold cloth napkins.
Well, I got excited
for nothing.
Gentlemen,
prepare for the potentate
of the potent date,
the know-it-all of the protocol
of the booty call,
Dr. Kiss... ing... her!
Once we were
single-celled organisms
who could replicate
whenever we wanted.
We were men back then!
But today we need more help.
Who's first?
You! The guy who's been here
since 3:00 this afternoon.
It's hell to meet girls when
you're paid in chickens.
Okay, I'm a sexy girl,
and research shows
that my decision
to sleep with you
happens in
the first 6.5 seconds.
Go!
Eh, my name's Willie,
and, uh, all I do
is get drunk
and kill squirrels
with me shovel.
Okay, now I'll translate that
into romance language.
Hi. I'm William.
I'm a connoisseur
of fine spirits,
and I love animals to death.
Do me next!
Do me next!
Ah! A monster! Save me!
Sorry, that
was unprofessional.
Please, go on.
Name's Moe Szyslak.
As a kid, I had roundworm.
Heck, I was more worm
than boy for a couple of years.
I dabbled
in Satanism
until I was
asked to leave.
Oh, and one month, I ate
nothing but aquarium fish.
Your only hope
is to use a wingman.
Uh, what's a wingman?
A wingman is a friend...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Now I got to
find a friend?
You need someone
who's secretly on your side,
making you look good to women.
But he can't more handsome
or appealing than you. Okay,
let's take a flip
through the old Moe-lodex.
Ooh.
Bingo. That was a weird day.
Sir, would you
be my wingman?
We could try it out
this weekend
at the "Faculty Follies"
after-party.
One thing-- what if there's
a woman we both like?
Well, we'll use the time-honored
"I saw her first" rule.
What if I see her hand at the same time
you see her face?
Face beats hand!
So, after dinner
I cut his hair,
and he readjusted
my mortgage.
That's what he does.
And how was your
Valentine's Day?
Very romantic.
Homer had the basketball game
muted the whole time.
Oh, and then I found
a gray hair-- no big deal.
Mmm.
Marge, it's time I
told you the truth.
You've been grayer than
a Seattle Cinco de Mayo
for years now.
Really?
Yes, the dye not only
colors your hair,
but the fumes wipe the
experience from your mind.
Jimothy, Aquanetta,
is touch-up time!
Gloves and foil, people!
Let's go!
Crinkle, crinkle!
Whoa! Whoa!
Oh, Janis,
I'm so sorry.
Can we reschedule?
It's a battle of the
Blue and Gray here,
and I am Gaybraham
Lincoln, baby.
Oh, that's okay.
I only needed a touch-up.
My husband and I
can use the time
to take a long,
romantic walk.
Hmm, she doesn't seem so
worried about her gray hair.
Oh, her self-confidence
doesn't come from a bottle.
Now, let's rub this toxic
blue goo onto your scalp.
Mm-hmm.
A little of that.
Mix it up.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
I brought home fried chicken.
And a completely new hairstyle.
A completely new hairstyle.
So, what do you think?
She wants an honest answer.
What do we do?
I don't know.
I don't know!
We could fake
a stroke.
The last time
we faked a stroke,
it led to a real one.
We're running out of time,
people.
We need an answer,
and it has to be great!
So... chicken.
Hmm.
D'oh!
Well, what do you kids
think of the real me? Huh?
I love it.
I know I use the word
"empowering" a lot,
but this time,
it really is that.
I just have one question
about hair.
Where does mine start?
Head, head, head, hair.
Where's the border?
Oh, my God. Me, too!
What are we?
What do you
think, Homie?
Sweetie, you've always
been beautiful,
but now you're
my silver belle.
Let me get the camera
we use for precious moments
and insurance claims.
What has she done?
I feel like I'm married
to Richard Gere.
I can't talk now.
I'm talking to myself.
No, no, Homer. Go ahead.
Thanks, Homer.
It'll just ba a minute.
What's up?
Hey, wingman,
you're supposed to be
here like you promised.
Oh, thank you, prior obligation.
I can't take it.
I'm just going to draw
a hairline on.
So, basically,
my job is to make you
look good by comparison.
Like West Virginia
does for Virginia.
The good doctor
has just the prescription.
"Jumping on the Grenade:"
the wingman engages
the less attractive friend,
isolating the target.
Voop!
You ever notice that pizzas
have gotten so small lately?
They're like dimes.
Yes, that's exactly it!
Well, a girl
could starve to death!
Wow, your friend did
something I could never do.
What's that?
Walk away from you.
"Taking Down a Rival,"
aka "Talk Blocking."
So, Lenny, ever get
that rebar out of your head?
No, they just
sawed off the ends
and painted over the nubs.
Hey, where you going, baby?
Oh, no, you don't.
Nice talk-blocking.
Would you be willing
to wingman for me?
Well, I don't know.
It's a lot of work.
Oh, I just ordered this
bottomless pitcher of beer
and circumference-less
platter of nachos.
Deal!
Need some cooling
down, hot stuff?
Okay, just imagine
she's a Bond girl.
Oh! Judi Dench?!
Kiss me, 007.
Good show,
Mr. Bond.
Help! My macaroni Marconi!
Hmm?
Bart, what happened
to your Mom's hair?
Did she see something scary like
that vampire on Sesame Street?
They should warn you
when he's coming.
I don't want to talk
about my Mom's hair.
Right. It's just weird.
Normally, I think
your mom is hot...
Take that back!
I'm sorry.
What I mean is,
she's not hot anymore.
Take that back!
So moody!
Just like my mom
on her "can't dance" days.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Huh. Let's see
what cousin Jessica's up to.
There's a woman
who's got it all under control.
Hmm?
Ooh!
Marge, your hair--
it's fantastic!
Well, thank you.
No, thank you
for your bravery.
I hope I look half
as good as you
when I give up.
Such audacity!
Grandma had hair
like that
when she went to sleep
in her forever box.
You can't listen
to those women, Mom.
Change threatens them.
They didn't like it
when the Springfield Shopper
started printing in color.
Neither did I.
I didn't want to know what color
the Statue of Liberty was.
But you know what?
I was wrong.
And these ladies are, too.
Ma'am, do you have any
kind of a discount card?
What kind of card?
Well, you know, maybe
you belong to the A.A...
The A.A.? No!
Oh, no, I meant
the A.A...
A.A.A.?
No, I'm not in Triple-A.
I don't like
their Westways magazine.
They'll give four diamonds
to any place
that's got a lid on the toilet.
No, I meant the A.A... R...
P?!
The A.A.R.P.?!
Well, that tears it.
I don't want this milk,
and I'm not gonna take it back.
That's okay. We have a young
man who does that for you.
Oh, right here, ma'am.
Oh, boy, a put-back!
I hope it takes me
by the freezer section.
Stick my head in the pizza case,
it's like a ski vacation!
I can imagine the pepperonis
are Swiss chalets
nestled in a big layer
of mozzarella snow!
Bart, eyewitnesses
to your fight described you
as "berserkoid,"
"totally aggro,"
and said you punched Milhouse,
"like, 50 billion times."
That's an excessive
number of times.
What's bothering you, son?
I-I don't want to talk about it.
Thank God.
I don't want to, either.
Remember, Bart, anything
you say here is confidential.
Can we close the door?
Oh, there is no door.
State regulations.
Hey, Bart!
Still freaking out
'cause your mom aged 30 years
in a day?
Don't judge them too harshly.
They recently learned
they were once two-thirds
of conjoined triplets.
And the third one
is out for revenge.
Now, Bart, share your most
intimate thoughts with me.
I don't think I want to.
Oh. Well, maybe it'd be easier
for you to talk
to my colleague, Dr. Thera-bear.
Well...
Hold on. I'm not allowed
in the room
while you talk
to the bear.
All right, I know there's
a camera in you somewhere.
They never think to look behind
the jazz-fest poster.
So it's true.
Your hair committed
blue-icide.
I thought you'd
be more supportive.
I mean, you went
gray yourselves.
No, we didn't.
This is just
smoke and ash.
So what does your husband,
Vidal Baboon,
think of the new look?
He loves it!
He calls me his
silver belle.
That means he hates it.
If he really liked it,
he'd just paw at it
instead of getting all clever.
Why are you always trying
to cause trouble
with me and Homer?
Our marriage is rock solid!
So, do you think Homer is gonna
be at Club Zipless tonight?
I sure hope so.
Oops, dropped my stirrer.
D'oh!
D'oh!
Well, Marge.
Ready to kick Homer to the curb?
I can bend him
like Beckham.
Sorry, but I'm
fighting for my man!
Give me a double espresso to go.
Ma'am, are you
sure that's wise,
with what I presume
is your heart condition?
Ooh!
Whoo!
Go, granny, go!
Aw, geez, she's coming back!
Run, bullies, run!
Look out, chicks.
The silver fox
is coming to the henhouse.
I'm okay, I'm okay.
Brambles!
Shoo! Shoo, shoo, shoo,
shoo, shoo, shoo!
I'm looking for Homer Simpson.
What, did he eat
your candy house
and push you into the oven?
Odd, that's what the valet
just asked me.
How ya doin'?
Nice to see ya.
Life is good?
Can't complain.
Can't or won't?
You just crossed
a line, pally. Mm.
Oh, Homer,
I've never seen a drunk
hold his vomit like you.
I do keep it together.
Oh. Who is that?
I don't know,
but she looks...
Uh-oh. Usually when
it gets this quiet
Mr. Burns is standing behind me.
Actually, I'm standing
in front of you.
I decided to hit
the local nighteries
with my trusted wingman.
I flew the first packet
of royal mail across
the Khyber Pass,
dodging the
poison-tipped spears
of the dreaded
Zim-Zam Tribe.
So, which of you wants
to be the sliced haddock
in a geezer sandwich?
Hmm. There's a lot of beefcake
on the grill tonight.
Get your hands off my husband!
This is a situation I call
"The Doctor Is O."."
Marge, what are
you doing here?
This bar is for singles
and wingmen only.
That's your wife?
Do you see her
as we see her?
Marge, Marge, put
down that broom.
You've got nothing to be
afraid of from them.
I'm a wingman.
Part of a great tradition
including Val Kilmer
from Top Gun,
Wedge Antilles from Star Wars,
and me, from now.
And you know why
I'm a great wingman?
Because I have
the confidence
that comes from knowing
I get to go home to you.
Oh.
And you know what else this
whole experience has taught me?
True beauty
isn't about hair color?
Probably.
But be honest...
when I say "beautiful woman,"
what pops into your head?
Well, I guess I do
have a type.
Mom, your choice to go back
to blue is so empowering.
But you said going from
blue to gray was empowering.
Well, as a feminist,
virtually anything
a woman does is empowering.
Oh.
Is my job creating power,
empowering?
No. It's oddly
dehumanizing.
Hey, Dad, did you
color your hair, too?
Only my hairdresser
knows for sure.
Oh, hello, young man!
Where's your father?
He's dying
in a retirement home.
Now kiss me.
Shh!