The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 22, Episode 12 - Homer the Father - full transcript
After taking parenting advice from a 1980s sitcom, Homer refuses to get Bart a new dirt bike, so Bart decides to sell nuclear secrets to the Chinese to get one.
Ooh!
D'oh!
Hmm?!
Hmm...
Hmm?!
Hey!
♪ The Simpsons 22x12 ♪
Homer the Father
Original Air Date on January 23, 2011
Tonight on "Kent's Korrections,"
it has been brought
to our attention
that the word "correction" is
actually spelled with a "C."
We regret any confusion
this may have caused.
Lisa, mash the buttons till
something good comes on.
Welcome back to Tube Town,
the home of Sheriff Wholesome;
Black President...
Failed Geena Davis
Sitcom 1986...
The Voiceover Years...
Hannigan, M.F.A.--
But coming up now,
the classic '80s sitcom,
Thicker Than Waters.
♪ Cherish that family smile ♪
♪ Picket fence days
don't last forever ♪
♪ The future is coming up ♪
♪ Mom and dad and kids
♪ Are precious. ♪
Filmed before
a live studio audience.
Everyone in that
studio audience is dead now.
You know
candy's bad for your teeth.
If it wasn't for candy,
you'd be out of business.
Hmm. Share these
with your friends.
Dad, I need a new
baseball glove.
Son, if I just
bought you a glove,
you wouldn't
appreciate it.
I'm afraid you're
gonna have to
earn the money
for it yourself.
Aw, come on, Dad.
Aw...
Oh no, not "the face."
Oh, life was
so much easier
when a machine told you
when to laugh.
I liked the producing,
the executive producing
and especially the co-producing.
But the supervising producing
was the best I've ever seen.
So anyway, that's why me
and Nana are taking a break.
Aw!
Oh, stupid cheap bike.
To think I was gonna
put fenders on you.
Oh, my God!
I think I just met the thing
I'm gonna die on.
Gotta have that minibike.
Oh, my God.
I've found my new look.
Those are girl overalls.
I could pull it off.
Can I have it, Dad?
Bart?!
Can I?
Thanks for not buying me
that glove
and teaching me
what's really important.
Bart, son,
if I bought you that bike,
you wouldn't appreciate it.
Because when you get
anything you want,
you don't want
anything you get.
What is this crap?
Are you wearing a wire?
Someday you'll understand
that I'm just being a good dad.
Are you kidding?
You're the worst dad
who ever lived.
I'd rather take my chances
in a hot car
than go in a store with you.
Why, you little...
Homer, a good father
is strong enough
that he doesn't need
to use his strength.
What Bart needs is for you to
strangle him with your love.
Hmm.
I never thought
of fatherhood
as something that
could affect a kid.
Son, I won't strangle
you anymore,
but I also won't get
you that minibike.
How about this?
I let you punch me in the face
and you get me a snowmobile.
I wish I could, son.
I really wish I could.
Now it's ready for garbage.
What's wrong, Homie?
Bart's mad because he wanted
me to buy him something,
but I didn't think it was
the right thing to do--
Marge, not in front
of the refrigerator.
There's nothing sexier
than a man being a good dad.
Whoa.
Oh, well, in that case,
Lisa was using her
solar calculator yesterday,
so I opened the drapes
to let in more sun.
Just hope the kids
didn't hear us.
Well, maybe
your kids didn't.
Lise, I gotta talk to you.
I'm busy.
Don't you minimize me!
Fine. Just get in here.
How can I earn money to buy
the world's most awesome thing?
You could deliver newspapers.
Kids don't deliver
newspapers anymore.
It's just creeps in trucks.
Maybe if you buckle down
and get good grades,
Dad will give you money.
Does he give you money
for getting good grades?
I've been doing the family's
books for years.
I take what I need.
You were right, Dad.
By not telling the teacher
that Jimmy cheated
on the French test,
it's like I cheated.
Well, as they say in Paris,
"Ma voiture est pleine
de crème glacée."
You just said, "My car
is full of ice cream."
Dad, if I get an "A"
on my math test,
would that be
worth some money?
Well, in season two,
when Sam got good grades,
he got a very surprising reward.
And if you do it, son,
you'll get the same.
There's no way
that means anything
other than I
get a minibike.
To the library!
Hmm?
Hmm...
Aah!
'Tis the playground ghost!
I swear I didn't mean
to kill ya!
It's me, Willie-- Bart Simpson.
Oh, oh, right.
There's no such thing
as a playground ghost.
How could you
mistake him for me?
It was that sassy mouth that got
ye killed in the first place.
TV ANNOUNCER:
Coming up next on Tube Town:
he's in your face
from outer space--
Upscalien in Da House!
♪ There once was an alien
whose mother called him Trey ♪
♪ From the fanciest planet
in the Milky Way ♪
♪ Stole his dad's ship,
took it for a trip ♪
♪ Saw Lake Erie on his radar and
he thought he'd take a dip. ♪
I did it. I got an "A"!
That's great.
Uh, Dad, if we could
get to the reward...?
Son, you already
have your reward--
the feeling of accomplishment
you can only get from hard work.
What the...?!
I wanted a minibike!
I told all my friends
I was getting one.
Well, if they care that much
about whether you
have a minibike,
then they weren't
really your friends.
Yes, they were!
But now they won't be!
Because I don't
have a minibike!
Hmm, if this were a TV show,
that would be a hell
of an act break.
But it could use a button.
Oh, well, what if I said...
Well, if you...
Eh.
We now return to I Lost Lucy.
Mrs. Carbuncle,
I need you back at the bank.
Robert Wagner is coming in
to open a checking account.
Yah still see that
crow on shows sometimez.
Coming up on Tube Town:
the '80s classic,
Supreme Courtney.
...according to the principle
sublato fundamento, cadit opus,
we need to look at Hargrove
v. the State of New York,
in which the court
firmly adhered to the...
Stupid jerk.
He owes me a minibike,
and I am going to get it.
Hey, Apu.
Mr. Homer, you
inadvertently left
your nuclear plant security
badge in the birthday card rack.
Can't lose that.
It's the best picture
of me I have.
Well, I am more concerned
with global terrorism.
America's enemies
would give anything
for your nuclear
knowledge.
Yeah, I do know
a lot about nuclears.
And America has so many
Iran, Iraq,
China, Mordor,
the hoochies that
laid low Tiger Woods,
undesirable immigrants,
by which I mean
everyone that came after me,
including my children...
...so I'm offering to trade
your country nuclear secrets
for a minibike.
Concludingly yours,
Bart Simpson.
Hmm... hmm!
Marge, would you like a Thicker
Than Waters collectible plate?
Homer, you can't order
anything from that magazine.
It's 25 years old.
Oh, yeah? I'll show you.
"TV Guide Offer,
One World Trade Center..."
Did I get
any mail today, Mom?
Uh, well, of course you did.
A gutter
cleaning coupon?
Hey, they're
your gutters, too.
Oh!
Huh?
You must've found out
about my letters.
They were just a joke.
Really?
That's too bad.
Because we are very
interested in your offer.
Uh, you're just lucky
we picked you up
before the FBI got to you.
Another disgrace for the
French Bureau of Investigation.
Don't forget us,
the A-Team of Finland.
I pity the fool who messes
with B.A. Backstrom.
We accept your offer.
The secrets from
your father's nuclear plant
for one
Street Assassin minibike.
Just transfer everything
to this flash drive.
I don't know.
Can I really betray my country?
I say the
Pledge of Allegiance every day.
You pledge allegiance
to the flag.
And the flag is
made in China.
Hmph.
We return
to "Thicker Than Waters,"
the E! True Hollywood Story."
Digby Sheridan,
who played Patrick,
had enormous problems
with the show.
Crap, total crap.
You, writer,
what's your name?
Um, David Mamet.
Well, Mr. Mamet,
why don't you learn
how to
write a script!
Hmm... .
I could use that.
Dad, I was thinking
about it, and you're right.
You shouldn't buy me
something I didn't earn.
And because you gave me
the tough love
I didn't know I needed,
I'm gonna be spending
lots and lots
more time with you.
Aw.
He's buying it.
I'm buying it!
♪ Cherish that family smile ♪
♪ Picket fence days
don't last forever ♪
♪ The future is coming up ♪
♪ Mom and Dad ♪
♪ And kids are precious. ♪
I love visiting you
at work, Dad.
And I love having
you here, son.
'Cause you can wake me
up if somebody comes.
Check this out, Bart.
One of those retinal
scan dealies.
It only opens to my
eye or an exact copy.
Let's see if this works.
Ooh! Damn, that hurt!
I'll just use my eye.
Sweet dreams, boy.
They will be if
you're in 'em, Pops.
Aw, they gave me
my own vanity plate.
You're gonna love
meeting my friends.
Where the hell
did that come from?
It's from me, son.
Want me to take it
up to your bed
so you can snuggle with it?
No!
Why in the world
would you get me this?
Because you've been
such a great kid lately,
and I wanted to show you
I appreciated it.
Oh.
That's great.
I wouldn't trade it for
all the tea in... China...
Something wrong, Bart?
You betrayed your
country for no reason.
Now you're gonna see
stars and stripes forever!
I've got summer squash!
Mm, the boy's
acting really weird.
I did everything
that TV show told me to,
and he's still not happy.
Well, maybe you shouldn't listen
to a 30-year-old TV show
that only got on the air
'cause the creator
had evidence
the network president
ran over a guy.
Where's he going?
Why on earth would a child
go to the zoo?
It's still here. Yes!
I get the flash drive back
and the manila envelope!
Aha! Typical
American treachery!
I can't believe a boy
who would betray his country
would betray
a different country.
Unbelievable!
Terrible!
Masters, I can explain.
Explain nothing!
Hand over the flash drive.
Then you leave
us no choice.
A teddy bear?!
A teddy bear
made in China.
Step away from the traitor!
Dad!
The boy's flash drive
may be in there,
but I've got a lifetime
of nuclear secrets up here.
Okay, but don't
read our subtitles.
I know what
you're saying.
I understand food talk
in every language!
American fatso, your knowledge
helped us build this plant.
We would like you
to have the honor
of cutting
the ceremonial ribbon.
Um, I'll see myself out.
Okay, who can take me to
the airport for less than $20?
I can stand here all day.
Oh, my feet hurt.
You know, Dad,
I really did have
a good time
hanging out with you.
Well, now it's time for
the best kind of bonding--
sitting next to each
other in silence,
staring blankly
at the TV.
♪ They fight and fight,
they fight and fight and fight ♪
♪ Fight-fight-fight,
fight-fight-fight! ♪
It's good enough.
Let's go home.
Rebecca,
you briefly inspired
the hairstyle called
"The Lizzie."
Is "The Lizzie"
with us here tonight?
I was clear with your people
that I would not recreate
"The Lizzie."
Oh, but "The Lizzie"
is here.
"I shouldn't judge my prom date
"just because
he's in a wheelchair.
I should judge him
by who he is in here."
The family hugs.
Ew.
I slept with
everyone in the cast,
including the dog.
To quote Matthew Perry
from Friends,
"too much information."
And to quote Dwayne
from What's Happening,
"Hey... Hey... Hey."
♪ Cherish that family smile ♪
♪ Picket fence days
don't something-something ♪
♪ The future is coming soon ♪
♪ Mom and Dad and kids ♪
♪ Are something. ♪
My favorite song now.
Sorry, "Don't Fear The Reaper."
Everybody! Air guitar!
Come on, do it with me.
Use your whammy bar! Whoo!
Now fuzz it up!
Excellent.
D'oh!
Hmm?!
Hmm...
Hmm?!
Hey!
♪ The Simpsons 22x12 ♪
Homer the Father
Original Air Date on January 23, 2011
Tonight on "Kent's Korrections,"
it has been brought
to our attention
that the word "correction" is
actually spelled with a "C."
We regret any confusion
this may have caused.
Lisa, mash the buttons till
something good comes on.
Welcome back to Tube Town,
the home of Sheriff Wholesome;
Black President...
Failed Geena Davis
Sitcom 1986...
The Voiceover Years...
Hannigan, M.F.A.--
But coming up now,
the classic '80s sitcom,
Thicker Than Waters.
♪ Cherish that family smile ♪
♪ Picket fence days
don't last forever ♪
♪ The future is coming up ♪
♪ Mom and dad and kids
♪ Are precious. ♪
Filmed before
a live studio audience.
Everyone in that
studio audience is dead now.
You know
candy's bad for your teeth.
If it wasn't for candy,
you'd be out of business.
Hmm. Share these
with your friends.
Dad, I need a new
baseball glove.
Son, if I just
bought you a glove,
you wouldn't
appreciate it.
I'm afraid you're
gonna have to
earn the money
for it yourself.
Aw, come on, Dad.
Aw...
Oh no, not "the face."
Oh, life was
so much easier
when a machine told you
when to laugh.
I liked the producing,
the executive producing
and especially the co-producing.
But the supervising producing
was the best I've ever seen.
So anyway, that's why me
and Nana are taking a break.
Aw!
Oh, stupid cheap bike.
To think I was gonna
put fenders on you.
Oh, my God!
I think I just met the thing
I'm gonna die on.
Gotta have that minibike.
Oh, my God.
I've found my new look.
Those are girl overalls.
I could pull it off.
Can I have it, Dad?
Bart?!
Can I?
Thanks for not buying me
that glove
and teaching me
what's really important.
Bart, son,
if I bought you that bike,
you wouldn't appreciate it.
Because when you get
anything you want,
you don't want
anything you get.
What is this crap?
Are you wearing a wire?
Someday you'll understand
that I'm just being a good dad.
Are you kidding?
You're the worst dad
who ever lived.
I'd rather take my chances
in a hot car
than go in a store with you.
Why, you little...
Homer, a good father
is strong enough
that he doesn't need
to use his strength.
What Bart needs is for you to
strangle him with your love.
Hmm.
I never thought
of fatherhood
as something that
could affect a kid.
Son, I won't strangle
you anymore,
but I also won't get
you that minibike.
How about this?
I let you punch me in the face
and you get me a snowmobile.
I wish I could, son.
I really wish I could.
Now it's ready for garbage.
What's wrong, Homie?
Bart's mad because he wanted
me to buy him something,
but I didn't think it was
the right thing to do--
Marge, not in front
of the refrigerator.
There's nothing sexier
than a man being a good dad.
Whoa.
Oh, well, in that case,
Lisa was using her
solar calculator yesterday,
so I opened the drapes
to let in more sun.
Just hope the kids
didn't hear us.
Well, maybe
your kids didn't.
Lise, I gotta talk to you.
I'm busy.
Don't you minimize me!
Fine. Just get in here.
How can I earn money to buy
the world's most awesome thing?
You could deliver newspapers.
Kids don't deliver
newspapers anymore.
It's just creeps in trucks.
Maybe if you buckle down
and get good grades,
Dad will give you money.
Does he give you money
for getting good grades?
I've been doing the family's
books for years.
I take what I need.
You were right, Dad.
By not telling the teacher
that Jimmy cheated
on the French test,
it's like I cheated.
Well, as they say in Paris,
"Ma voiture est pleine
de crème glacée."
You just said, "My car
is full of ice cream."
Dad, if I get an "A"
on my math test,
would that be
worth some money?
Well, in season two,
when Sam got good grades,
he got a very surprising reward.
And if you do it, son,
you'll get the same.
There's no way
that means anything
other than I
get a minibike.
To the library!
Hmm?
Hmm...
Aah!
'Tis the playground ghost!
I swear I didn't mean
to kill ya!
It's me, Willie-- Bart Simpson.
Oh, oh, right.
There's no such thing
as a playground ghost.
How could you
mistake him for me?
It was that sassy mouth that got
ye killed in the first place.
TV ANNOUNCER:
Coming up next on Tube Town:
he's in your face
from outer space--
Upscalien in Da House!
♪ There once was an alien
whose mother called him Trey ♪
♪ From the fanciest planet
in the Milky Way ♪
♪ Stole his dad's ship,
took it for a trip ♪
♪ Saw Lake Erie on his radar and
he thought he'd take a dip. ♪
I did it. I got an "A"!
That's great.
Uh, Dad, if we could
get to the reward...?
Son, you already
have your reward--
the feeling of accomplishment
you can only get from hard work.
What the...?!
I wanted a minibike!
I told all my friends
I was getting one.
Well, if they care that much
about whether you
have a minibike,
then they weren't
really your friends.
Yes, they were!
But now they won't be!
Because I don't
have a minibike!
Hmm, if this were a TV show,
that would be a hell
of an act break.
But it could use a button.
Oh, well, what if I said...
Well, if you...
Eh.
We now return to I Lost Lucy.
Mrs. Carbuncle,
I need you back at the bank.
Robert Wagner is coming in
to open a checking account.
Yah still see that
crow on shows sometimez.
Coming up on Tube Town:
the '80s classic,
Supreme Courtney.
...according to the principle
sublato fundamento, cadit opus,
we need to look at Hargrove
v. the State of New York,
in which the court
firmly adhered to the...
Stupid jerk.
He owes me a minibike,
and I am going to get it.
Hey, Apu.
Mr. Homer, you
inadvertently left
your nuclear plant security
badge in the birthday card rack.
Can't lose that.
It's the best picture
of me I have.
Well, I am more concerned
with global terrorism.
America's enemies
would give anything
for your nuclear
knowledge.
Yeah, I do know
a lot about nuclears.
And America has so many
Iran, Iraq,
China, Mordor,
the hoochies that
laid low Tiger Woods,
undesirable immigrants,
by which I mean
everyone that came after me,
including my children...
...so I'm offering to trade
your country nuclear secrets
for a minibike.
Concludingly yours,
Bart Simpson.
Hmm... hmm!
Marge, would you like a Thicker
Than Waters collectible plate?
Homer, you can't order
anything from that magazine.
It's 25 years old.
Oh, yeah? I'll show you.
"TV Guide Offer,
One World Trade Center..."
Did I get
any mail today, Mom?
Uh, well, of course you did.
A gutter
cleaning coupon?
Hey, they're
your gutters, too.
Oh!
Huh?
You must've found out
about my letters.
They were just a joke.
Really?
That's too bad.
Because we are very
interested in your offer.
Uh, you're just lucky
we picked you up
before the FBI got to you.
Another disgrace for the
French Bureau of Investigation.
Don't forget us,
the A-Team of Finland.
I pity the fool who messes
with B.A. Backstrom.
We accept your offer.
The secrets from
your father's nuclear plant
for one
Street Assassin minibike.
Just transfer everything
to this flash drive.
I don't know.
Can I really betray my country?
I say the
Pledge of Allegiance every day.
You pledge allegiance
to the flag.
And the flag is
made in China.
Hmph.
We return
to "Thicker Than Waters,"
the E! True Hollywood Story."
Digby Sheridan,
who played Patrick,
had enormous problems
with the show.
Crap, total crap.
You, writer,
what's your name?
Um, David Mamet.
Well, Mr. Mamet,
why don't you learn
how to
write a script!
Hmm... .
I could use that.
Dad, I was thinking
about it, and you're right.
You shouldn't buy me
something I didn't earn.
And because you gave me
the tough love
I didn't know I needed,
I'm gonna be spending
lots and lots
more time with you.
Aw.
He's buying it.
I'm buying it!
♪ Cherish that family smile ♪
♪ Picket fence days
don't last forever ♪
♪ The future is coming up ♪
♪ Mom and Dad ♪
♪ And kids are precious. ♪
I love visiting you
at work, Dad.
And I love having
you here, son.
'Cause you can wake me
up if somebody comes.
Check this out, Bart.
One of those retinal
scan dealies.
It only opens to my
eye or an exact copy.
Let's see if this works.
Ooh! Damn, that hurt!
I'll just use my eye.
Sweet dreams, boy.
They will be if
you're in 'em, Pops.
Aw, they gave me
my own vanity plate.
You're gonna love
meeting my friends.
Where the hell
did that come from?
It's from me, son.
Want me to take it
up to your bed
so you can snuggle with it?
No!
Why in the world
would you get me this?
Because you've been
such a great kid lately,
and I wanted to show you
I appreciated it.
Oh.
That's great.
I wouldn't trade it for
all the tea in... China...
Something wrong, Bart?
You betrayed your
country for no reason.
Now you're gonna see
stars and stripes forever!
I've got summer squash!
Mm, the boy's
acting really weird.
I did everything
that TV show told me to,
and he's still not happy.
Well, maybe you shouldn't listen
to a 30-year-old TV show
that only got on the air
'cause the creator
had evidence
the network president
ran over a guy.
Where's he going?
Why on earth would a child
go to the zoo?
It's still here. Yes!
I get the flash drive back
and the manila envelope!
Aha! Typical
American treachery!
I can't believe a boy
who would betray his country
would betray
a different country.
Unbelievable!
Terrible!
Masters, I can explain.
Explain nothing!
Hand over the flash drive.
Then you leave
us no choice.
A teddy bear?!
A teddy bear
made in China.
Step away from the traitor!
Dad!
The boy's flash drive
may be in there,
but I've got a lifetime
of nuclear secrets up here.
Okay, but don't
read our subtitles.
I know what
you're saying.
I understand food talk
in every language!
American fatso, your knowledge
helped us build this plant.
We would like you
to have the honor
of cutting
the ceremonial ribbon.
Um, I'll see myself out.
Okay, who can take me to
the airport for less than $20?
I can stand here all day.
Oh, my feet hurt.
You know, Dad,
I really did have
a good time
hanging out with you.
Well, now it's time for
the best kind of bonding--
sitting next to each
other in silence,
staring blankly
at the TV.
♪ They fight and fight,
they fight and fight and fight ♪
♪ Fight-fight-fight,
fight-fight-fight! ♪
It's good enough.
Let's go home.
Rebecca,
you briefly inspired
the hairstyle called
"The Lizzie."
Is "The Lizzie"
with us here tonight?
I was clear with your people
that I would not recreate
"The Lizzie."
Oh, but "The Lizzie"
is here.
"I shouldn't judge my prom date
"just because
he's in a wheelchair.
I should judge him
by who he is in here."
The family hugs.
Ew.
I slept with
everyone in the cast,
including the dog.
To quote Matthew Perry
from Friends,
"too much information."
And to quote Dwayne
from What's Happening,
"Hey... Hey... Hey."
♪ Cherish that family smile ♪
♪ Picket fence days
don't something-something ♪
♪ The future is coming soon ♪
♪ Mom and Dad and kids ♪
♪ Are something. ♪
My favorite song now.
Sorry, "Don't Fear The Reaper."
Everybody! Air guitar!
Come on, do it with me.
Use your whammy bar! Whoo!
Now fuzz it up!
Excellent.