The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 22, Episode 11 - Flaming Moe - full transcript
With Smithers' help, Moe renovates his bar to cater to the "regular" gay crowd, but refuses to tell the clientèle that he's straight. Meanwhile, principal Skinner has a crush on the free-spirited new music teacher.
D'oh!
♪ The Simpsons 22x11 ♪
Flaming Moe
Original Air Date on January 16, 2011
Hey, look,
the late shift's leaving.
I don't like
those guys.
Yeah, they think they're better
than us just because
their performance reviews
reflect that fact.
Oh, no. I left a
candy bar in my desk.
That's funny,
'cause I found
this candy bar
in my desk.
Time to punch in.
Sir, the shifts are
fighting like Iran and Iraq.
Who?
Persia and Mesopotamia.
Hush!
Sign your full legal name
here,
and your will
shall be fully executed.
Charles Montgomery
Plantagenet...
Schicklgruber... Burns.
Sir, is that your will?
It is. I know it's hard
to see a young buck like me
and think of a day
when I'm no longer in the pink.
We just need one more
set of initials here.
Quickly, now. We're almost
through the half hour per day
where you're
mentally competent.
And...
...demented.
Yeah! Yeah!
Yank!
Yeah! Yeah!
A dinosaur!
"I, C. Montgomery Burns,
"hereby divide my estate
in equal shares
"to the Yale University
Department of Applied Evil,
"Gary from Gary's Trapdoor
Installation and Repair,
and finally, my faithful
and constant companion..."
Your tortoise?!
Yes.
It always saddens me
that you and Sheldon
have never gotten along.
Sir, how could you leave me
out of your will?
I'm your right-hand man,
your guy Friday!
Smithers, you are the
campiest of my aides du camp,
but I'm afraid my true
admiration is reserved
for the self-made man.
No Steve Woz-ni-ak thee.
So... you don't respect me?
No, not until you earn it.
Until then, I will never
see you as my equal.
Smithers... wait!
Yes, sir?
In case you
didn't hear me,
I said I will never
see you as my equal.
I heard you very clearly, sir.
Excellent.
Hmm. Here's a place
I can feel wanted.
You, with the
six-pack-- you're in.
You, with the
Ben Affleck chin
and the Matt Damon
everything else.
Guess what?
You're in!
In, in, in.
Uh, in your dreams.
Oh, come on.
I've had a rough day.
With the buzz cut
and the bow tie?
This is a nightclub,
not a John F. Kennedy
cabinet meeting.
Can I have a
Scotch and water?
My Scotch is
a Scotch and water.
Business is slow, huh?
Yeah. Frankly, I'm surprised
you're not across the street,
where they drink for fun,
instead of here,
where, uh,
horrible addiction compels you.
They won't let me in.
No one wants an
executive assistant
who only works out
six hours a day.
If only this town
had a men's bar
for the average-looking fellow.
True admiration.
Self-made man.
Kill the other two heads.
True admiration.
Self-made man.
Kill them before they suspect.
Suspect what?
Huh? Huh?
Listen, what if I
helped you turn this bar
into a hangout
for guys like me?
Uh-huh.
Just so it's clear
what I'm proposing,
the men I'm talking
about are...
...men... dinner parties.
Whoa-ho-ho,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
Uh, no offense, uh,
but, uh,
I just ain't comfortable
hanging around all night
with, uh, you know,
whatchamacallit,
uh, swish kabobs.
Mm, yeah, right.
That's too bad.
Could have been fun.
Could have made
a little money.
Yeah, you know,
thank you,
but, uh, I'm very happy with
my clientele as they are.
Hey, Moe,
two more for me and my buddy.
That was my grandmother's
wedding urinal!
All right, that's it.
We are changing
this place up.
Whoa, check that out!
Stuff is getting done!
Look at them renovations!
And... finished!
After this,
ain't no turning back.
B-E! Four points.
I challenge!
Sorry, hobbits.
It's back to the
shire for you. Slam!
Oh, gentlemen,
there is no need
to head home so soon.
Hmm...
Ew! Isn't that the place
where all those rats
committed suicide?
Oh, it's totally different now.
And it welcomes men
with a few extra pounds
or a little less hair.
- Ooh! Ooh! Mmm.
- What a great idea!
What about
super-hairy Wonder Woman?
No problem.
Thank you
for humoring me.
So, uh, what would
you gentlemen like?
I mean, I know what you'd like,
and, hey, why wouldn't you like it?
Oh, ain't being comfortable
with something weird the best?
I'm gonna pour some beers now.
Huh?
Hey, something's
different about Moe's.
There's no
chicks here.
There's never
any chicks here.
Somehow, there's more no
chicks here than usual.
Something's
changed.
There's a sense of
acceptance in the air.
Hey, what's that guy doing
in the men's room?
He's washing his hands.
I'm never gonna get that image
out of my head.
Look, I have turned this bar
into every other kind of bar,
and it never worked.
Total disaster.
A complete bomb.
Utter failure.
Uh, dream I painted.
And in this economy,
a man needs
to find new customers
while keeping
his old best friends.
So, what do you say?
Hey, there's nothing
against it in the bible.
Hmm...
Uh-huh.
Wait a minute!
Your standard
markup is 400%?
Now give me that!
Don't you dare question
the gospel
according to Dr. Swig McJigger.
He's drinking
his own brains.
Children,
I have an announcement.
Today is my last day
as your music teacher.
Come on, pretend
he meant something to you.
- Stay! Stay, please!
- Don't go! No!
Oh, bless your little hearts.
This is a happy thing.
I met my soul mate
at a local tavern.
There he is!
Aw.
I'm not the soul mate!
I'm dating one
of your mothers.
I-I forget whose.
Anyway, I-I'm here
to introduce your new
music teacher, Ms. Juniper.
Honey, just teach the one
with the starfish head,
and you'll be okay.
Teach?
You can't teach music.
You embrace music.
Oh, you inhale music.
You roll around
in a pile of music until...
...the scent of music
is on you forever!
Mm, good luck with that.
Tick-tock, Dewey!
Tanglewood beckons!
Coming, Dewey!
We're both named Dewey.
Drum roll, please!
You know, this is
the first time
I've ever been at Moe's
without that little voice
in the back of my head saying,
"This is not a safe place
to drink."
Check out my
tolerance, Marge.
I'm going to use
the men's room.
Hey, I didn't know
you were,
uh, you know,
one of those...
I am not Comic Book Guy.
I am his cousin, Comic Book Gay.
But you do like comic books.
Certain kinds.
Oh, honey, no one's gonna
believe that wig is real.
What do you mean, wig?
And about that voice.
Hmm. What's wrong
with her voice?
Steve, is that you?
I'm gonna knock
you inside out.
Doctor already did.
Hey, Moe!
Looking good.
Mm-hmm.
He is cute with a
capital scrumptious.
Uh, Moe,
tomorrow's Gay Day
at Krustyland.
Want to come?
Oh. Oh, Grizzly Shawn,
that-that's so nice of you
to think of me, but, uh,
the Tony Awards are that night,
and I'll be too keyed up
to have fun.
Maybe some other time.
Moe, do these guys think
you're one of them?
Why would they think that?
Oh, I love you,
Neil Patrick Hairless.
Huh. Yeah, maybe I
should clear the air.
Uh, excuse me, fellas.
Excuse me!
First of all, thank you.
This bar was on its last legs.
I was gonna have
to move in with Ma,
who's dead
and doesn't have a house.
So, would not have been good.
Oh, yeah, that's true.
No, no, no. Makes sense.
But now there's, uh... There's
something I got to tell youse.
Um...
If you tell them
you're straight,
they just might go
somewhere else.
All right, all right,
good point,
but, uh, let's hear
from Angel Moe.
I am Angel Moe.
So, anyway, uh,
what I wanted to say was, uh...
everybody vogue!
Children, if I learned anything
from my years as a groupie
for the Dave Matthews Band,
it was to listen.
So now you listen...
to the string quartet of birds,
river and wind and...
We haven't met...
...but something terrible
has happened.
You misfiled the...
permission slips.
You keep the green.
I need the white.
Hey, come back to Earth,
Mr. Permission Man.
You're all right.
♪ Jennifer Juniper ♪
♪ Lives up on the hill ♪
♪ Jennifer Juniper ♪
♪ Sitting very still ♪
♪ Is she sleeping?
I don't think so ♪
♪ Is she breathing?
Yes, very low ♪
♪ Whatcha doing,
Jennifer, my love? ♪
♪ Jennifer Juniper ♪
♪ Rides a dappled mare ♪
♪ Strum, strum, strum... ♪
♪ Jennifer Juniper... ♪
Well, sir, what do you
think of my business?
Ooh, a splendid
gentlemen's club.
You've earned my respect.
Hey, Smithers, I didn't know
you were a geezer-pleaser.
Having a "lemon party"?
Ooh, a good old-fashioned
lemon party.
I call first squeeze.
Mmm...
Sir, we are way past
your bedtime.
So, Moe, you wanna go
to a Grease sing-along?
You can be the Doody
to my Frenchie.
Oh, yeah, oh,
I'm so sorry, uh,
but tonight I've got a
long-overdue manscaping.
Yeah, but have fun.
"'Cause you are
the one that I want."
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh. ♪
Psst.
Moe, have you
been telling
the men here
that you're...
"one of them"?
Hey, it's the bartender's job
to agree with the customer.
Now, enough chitchat, I gotta
put up this new painting.
Mm-hmm.
A Tom of Shelbyville?
Just relax there, Waylon.
We got a great
thing goin' on.
Now we can afford
real bowls of pretzels
instead of trompe l'oeiling
them on the bar.
Huh?
Ah. Got one.
What am I doing
here, Seymour?
The thing I'm planning
hasn't even gone off yet.
That wasn't me and
you're my alibi.
Yes, well...
I might have a crush
on the music sub, Ms. Juniper.
Simpson, here's my plan.
Ms. Juniper is divorced,
and her daughter Melody
is in the third grade.
Oh, yeah, her.
Classic
space case.
Well, if you took
"space case" on a date
and brought me to chaperone
along with her mother...
I see how it is.
You get a booty call
and I get a cootie call.
Well, it's gonna cost ya.
How would you like two weeks
of spring break?
Triple spring break plus
four weeks at Christmas.
No, but... no, if, if the state
finds out, they'll shut us down.
Okay, have fun dying alone.
Deal.
I can't believe I'm playing
videogames with Bart Simpson.
I've sketched you so many
times in my dream journal.
Great, baby.
Get me some more tokens.
Oh, Bart rides that board
with a passion
of an Arapaho ghost dancer.
You know, passion has always
been a passion of mine.
Uh, something else about me
is that I'm thinking of
becoming an excellent cook.
♪ Would you love her?
Yes, I would, sir ♪
Dance with me.
What? Here? Right next
to the Nacho-Cano?
I like you, Seymour.
You do?
But why?
I mean, but why?
Shh-shh-shh.
Words are your enemy, my love.
Melody is staying at
her father's tonight,
and, well, I can't
dance by myself...
although I do.
Can you believe it?
Oh, this is an outrage.
This morning
I was like...
♪ Ding-a-ling-a-ling. ♪
and now I'm like...
♪ Dong-dong-dong. ♪
Boys, relax,
have a drink
and tell Mama Moe all about it.
The city won't
let us march
in the Springfield
Founder's Parade.
Well, who needs them?
We can have our own parade.
We do. We have,
like, 20 of them.
But we're sick of being
second-class citizens.
Things will never change
until one of us
is on the town council.
Moe should run.
He's the heart of this
town's gay community.
Will you do it, Moe?
Will you become
Springfield's
first openly gay
city councilman?
Heh. Well, I think
if you guys can manage
to go into the voting booth
one at a time,
then I can manage to win.
Hooray for Moe!
Moe, can I discuss an inventory
issue with you in the back room?
You can't be these
people's leader
if you're lying to them
about who you are.
You're not gay.
Whew. I thought
it was an inventory issue.
That's a big relief.
Now don't worry, I'll
let them down easy.
In four years!
Yes! Your queen is back!
♪ I'm walking on sunshine ♪
♪ Not literally ♪
♪ It means that
I'm happy post-coitally ♪
♪ It was on a school night... ♪
Skinner!
That song needed
no lyrical improvement.
Gary...
Gary, you know
what you need?
A little...
honey in your yogurt.
Skinner!
You're a regular Casanova.
Or in English,
"new house."
Come on, come to life!
I swear I'll be nice to you.
Can I do a handstand
against you?
Sure.
Melody, you're
a great girl,
but I see you as
more of a sister,
and I don't like my sister.
You're breaking up with me...
upside down?
Raggedy Ann was
so right about you.
Thanks to you, Melody's
mother is so upset,
she's moving them out of town.
Good-bye, Seymour.
Think of me whenever you see
a tattoo you don't understand.
Calliope, is there anything
I can say to make you stay?
No. But you can say
you'll come with us.
Leave with you?
I'll have to check with Mother.
MRS. SKINNER:
Seymour, I found a ticket stub
for a James Bond movie
in your pants.
Explain yourself!
Well, it-it, uh... took place
in a country we teach about.
Fibs break baby Jesus's ribs.
Look, I don't know
how long this will last.
It could be a day.
It could be the rest
of our lives.
But you'll never know
unless you take this chance.
Give yourself permission.
Willie, you're principal now.
Really?
Who's the new groundskeeper?
Also you, and you
don't get more money.
Ach.
Yes.
My name is Moe Szyslak,
and I'm here to elect me.
Hello, Moe.
Uh, hey there.
Well, it's my business
partner, Mr. Smithers.
Nice of you to drop by
and not say nothin' that
costs nobody no election.
But Moe, how can
you be their leader
when you're not
one of them?
Oh!
I am one of them.
I only read Hustler
to see the pictures
of Larry Flynt.
Sounds great.
But first, answer me this:
Do you find me attractive?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Like all gays, I'm
attracted to all men.
Most insidious stereotype ever.
You're cute.
You want to go out
later?
Whoever said that, yes.
All right, if you're
attracted to me,
then kiss me, Moe.
Okay, okay, uh,
prepare to be kissed.
Ha, here we go.
Giving in to my
natural urges.
Okay, a few jumping
jacks just to warm up.
Okay, here comes
the airplane.
I'm sorry, everyone.
Oh, this is the most
embarrassing thing
I've ever had
to say, but...
I ain't gay!
Oh, Moe.
How could you lie
about who you are
when who we are
is all we are?
I didn't mean to.
At first, I was only gay
for your money.
And, and I had real, deep
feelings for that money.
But then I-I felt accepted
by you
in a way
that I'd never been before.
I just wish
you people could know
what it's like
to want acceptance.
Well, so who you
gonna vote for?
Me, or a Republican
whose record is so anti-gay,
he's clearly secretly super gay.
Now we don't know
who to vote for,
the liar or the denier.
Once again the powers that be
have spurned our request
for basic human equality.
Must not the heavens
themselves cry with rage?
How did you do that?
Classical training.
I'm very sorry.
I-I had to do what
I thought was right.
Well, as long as I
got nothin' to lose.
Not bad.
Like Frisbee golf,
I'm glad I tried it once.
What happened?
Well, it could
have been a day,
it could have been
the rest of my life.
And?
It was only a day.
You've been gone
for three months.
Groovy.
Puttin' everything back.
Undo. Undo. Undo.
Sports page back
over the urinal, and done.
♪ Jennifer Juniper ♪
♪ Sitting very still ♪
♪ Is she sleeping?
I don't think so ♪
♪ is she breathing?
Yes, very low ♪
♪ whatcha doing,
jennifer, my love? ♪
♪ jennifer juniper ♪
♪ rides a dappled mare ♪
♪ jennifer... ♪
Shh!
♪ The Simpsons 22x11 ♪
Flaming Moe
Original Air Date on January 16, 2011
Hey, look,
the late shift's leaving.
I don't like
those guys.
Yeah, they think they're better
than us just because
their performance reviews
reflect that fact.
Oh, no. I left a
candy bar in my desk.
That's funny,
'cause I found
this candy bar
in my desk.
Time to punch in.
Sir, the shifts are
fighting like Iran and Iraq.
Who?
Persia and Mesopotamia.
Hush!
Sign your full legal name
here,
and your will
shall be fully executed.
Charles Montgomery
Plantagenet...
Schicklgruber... Burns.
Sir, is that your will?
It is. I know it's hard
to see a young buck like me
and think of a day
when I'm no longer in the pink.
We just need one more
set of initials here.
Quickly, now. We're almost
through the half hour per day
where you're
mentally competent.
And...
...demented.
Yeah! Yeah!
Yank!
Yeah! Yeah!
A dinosaur!
"I, C. Montgomery Burns,
"hereby divide my estate
in equal shares
"to the Yale University
Department of Applied Evil,
"Gary from Gary's Trapdoor
Installation and Repair,
and finally, my faithful
and constant companion..."
Your tortoise?!
Yes.
It always saddens me
that you and Sheldon
have never gotten along.
Sir, how could you leave me
out of your will?
I'm your right-hand man,
your guy Friday!
Smithers, you are the
campiest of my aides du camp,
but I'm afraid my true
admiration is reserved
for the self-made man.
No Steve Woz-ni-ak thee.
So... you don't respect me?
No, not until you earn it.
Until then, I will never
see you as my equal.
Smithers... wait!
Yes, sir?
In case you
didn't hear me,
I said I will never
see you as my equal.
I heard you very clearly, sir.
Excellent.
Hmm. Here's a place
I can feel wanted.
You, with the
six-pack-- you're in.
You, with the
Ben Affleck chin
and the Matt Damon
everything else.
Guess what?
You're in!
In, in, in.
Uh, in your dreams.
Oh, come on.
I've had a rough day.
With the buzz cut
and the bow tie?
This is a nightclub,
not a John F. Kennedy
cabinet meeting.
Can I have a
Scotch and water?
My Scotch is
a Scotch and water.
Business is slow, huh?
Yeah. Frankly, I'm surprised
you're not across the street,
where they drink for fun,
instead of here,
where, uh,
horrible addiction compels you.
They won't let me in.
No one wants an
executive assistant
who only works out
six hours a day.
If only this town
had a men's bar
for the average-looking fellow.
True admiration.
Self-made man.
Kill the other two heads.
True admiration.
Self-made man.
Kill them before they suspect.
Suspect what?
Huh? Huh?
Listen, what if I
helped you turn this bar
into a hangout
for guys like me?
Uh-huh.
Just so it's clear
what I'm proposing,
the men I'm talking
about are...
...men... dinner parties.
Whoa-ho-ho,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
Uh, no offense, uh,
but, uh,
I just ain't comfortable
hanging around all night
with, uh, you know,
whatchamacallit,
uh, swish kabobs.
Mm, yeah, right.
That's too bad.
Could have been fun.
Could have made
a little money.
Yeah, you know,
thank you,
but, uh, I'm very happy with
my clientele as they are.
Hey, Moe,
two more for me and my buddy.
That was my grandmother's
wedding urinal!
All right, that's it.
We are changing
this place up.
Whoa, check that out!
Stuff is getting done!
Look at them renovations!
And... finished!
After this,
ain't no turning back.
B-E! Four points.
I challenge!
Sorry, hobbits.
It's back to the
shire for you. Slam!
Oh, gentlemen,
there is no need
to head home so soon.
Hmm...
Ew! Isn't that the place
where all those rats
committed suicide?
Oh, it's totally different now.
And it welcomes men
with a few extra pounds
or a little less hair.
- Ooh! Ooh! Mmm.
- What a great idea!
What about
super-hairy Wonder Woman?
No problem.
Thank you
for humoring me.
So, uh, what would
you gentlemen like?
I mean, I know what you'd like,
and, hey, why wouldn't you like it?
Oh, ain't being comfortable
with something weird the best?
I'm gonna pour some beers now.
Huh?
Hey, something's
different about Moe's.
There's no
chicks here.
There's never
any chicks here.
Somehow, there's more no
chicks here than usual.
Something's
changed.
There's a sense of
acceptance in the air.
Hey, what's that guy doing
in the men's room?
He's washing his hands.
I'm never gonna get that image
out of my head.
Look, I have turned this bar
into every other kind of bar,
and it never worked.
Total disaster.
A complete bomb.
Utter failure.
Uh, dream I painted.
And in this economy,
a man needs
to find new customers
while keeping
his old best friends.
So, what do you say?
Hey, there's nothing
against it in the bible.
Hmm...
Uh-huh.
Wait a minute!
Your standard
markup is 400%?
Now give me that!
Don't you dare question
the gospel
according to Dr. Swig McJigger.
He's drinking
his own brains.
Children,
I have an announcement.
Today is my last day
as your music teacher.
Come on, pretend
he meant something to you.
- Stay! Stay, please!
- Don't go! No!
Oh, bless your little hearts.
This is a happy thing.
I met my soul mate
at a local tavern.
There he is!
Aw.
I'm not the soul mate!
I'm dating one
of your mothers.
I-I forget whose.
Anyway, I-I'm here
to introduce your new
music teacher, Ms. Juniper.
Honey, just teach the one
with the starfish head,
and you'll be okay.
Teach?
You can't teach music.
You embrace music.
Oh, you inhale music.
You roll around
in a pile of music until...
...the scent of music
is on you forever!
Mm, good luck with that.
Tick-tock, Dewey!
Tanglewood beckons!
Coming, Dewey!
We're both named Dewey.
Drum roll, please!
You know, this is
the first time
I've ever been at Moe's
without that little voice
in the back of my head saying,
"This is not a safe place
to drink."
Check out my
tolerance, Marge.
I'm going to use
the men's room.
Hey, I didn't know
you were,
uh, you know,
one of those...
I am not Comic Book Guy.
I am his cousin, Comic Book Gay.
But you do like comic books.
Certain kinds.
Oh, honey, no one's gonna
believe that wig is real.
What do you mean, wig?
And about that voice.
Hmm. What's wrong
with her voice?
Steve, is that you?
I'm gonna knock
you inside out.
Doctor already did.
Hey, Moe!
Looking good.
Mm-hmm.
He is cute with a
capital scrumptious.
Uh, Moe,
tomorrow's Gay Day
at Krustyland.
Want to come?
Oh. Oh, Grizzly Shawn,
that-that's so nice of you
to think of me, but, uh,
the Tony Awards are that night,
and I'll be too keyed up
to have fun.
Maybe some other time.
Moe, do these guys think
you're one of them?
Why would they think that?
Oh, I love you,
Neil Patrick Hairless.
Huh. Yeah, maybe I
should clear the air.
Uh, excuse me, fellas.
Excuse me!
First of all, thank you.
This bar was on its last legs.
I was gonna have
to move in with Ma,
who's dead
and doesn't have a house.
So, would not have been good.
Oh, yeah, that's true.
No, no, no. Makes sense.
But now there's, uh... There's
something I got to tell youse.
Um...
If you tell them
you're straight,
they just might go
somewhere else.
All right, all right,
good point,
but, uh, let's hear
from Angel Moe.
I am Angel Moe.
So, anyway, uh,
what I wanted to say was, uh...
everybody vogue!
Children, if I learned anything
from my years as a groupie
for the Dave Matthews Band,
it was to listen.
So now you listen...
to the string quartet of birds,
river and wind and...
We haven't met...
...but something terrible
has happened.
You misfiled the...
permission slips.
You keep the green.
I need the white.
Hey, come back to Earth,
Mr. Permission Man.
You're all right.
♪ Jennifer Juniper ♪
♪ Lives up on the hill ♪
♪ Jennifer Juniper ♪
♪ Sitting very still ♪
♪ Is she sleeping?
I don't think so ♪
♪ Is she breathing?
Yes, very low ♪
♪ Whatcha doing,
Jennifer, my love? ♪
♪ Jennifer Juniper ♪
♪ Rides a dappled mare ♪
♪ Strum, strum, strum... ♪
♪ Jennifer Juniper... ♪
Well, sir, what do you
think of my business?
Ooh, a splendid
gentlemen's club.
You've earned my respect.
Hey, Smithers, I didn't know
you were a geezer-pleaser.
Having a "lemon party"?
Ooh, a good old-fashioned
lemon party.
I call first squeeze.
Mmm...
Sir, we are way past
your bedtime.
So, Moe, you wanna go
to a Grease sing-along?
You can be the Doody
to my Frenchie.
Oh, yeah, oh,
I'm so sorry, uh,
but tonight I've got a
long-overdue manscaping.
Yeah, but have fun.
"'Cause you are
the one that I want."
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh. ♪
Psst.
Moe, have you
been telling
the men here
that you're...
"one of them"?
Hey, it's the bartender's job
to agree with the customer.
Now, enough chitchat, I gotta
put up this new painting.
Mm-hmm.
A Tom of Shelbyville?
Just relax there, Waylon.
We got a great
thing goin' on.
Now we can afford
real bowls of pretzels
instead of trompe l'oeiling
them on the bar.
Huh?
Ah. Got one.
What am I doing
here, Seymour?
The thing I'm planning
hasn't even gone off yet.
That wasn't me and
you're my alibi.
Yes, well...
I might have a crush
on the music sub, Ms. Juniper.
Simpson, here's my plan.
Ms. Juniper is divorced,
and her daughter Melody
is in the third grade.
Oh, yeah, her.
Classic
space case.
Well, if you took
"space case" on a date
and brought me to chaperone
along with her mother...
I see how it is.
You get a booty call
and I get a cootie call.
Well, it's gonna cost ya.
How would you like two weeks
of spring break?
Triple spring break plus
four weeks at Christmas.
No, but... no, if, if the state
finds out, they'll shut us down.
Okay, have fun dying alone.
Deal.
I can't believe I'm playing
videogames with Bart Simpson.
I've sketched you so many
times in my dream journal.
Great, baby.
Get me some more tokens.
Oh, Bart rides that board
with a passion
of an Arapaho ghost dancer.
You know, passion has always
been a passion of mine.
Uh, something else about me
is that I'm thinking of
becoming an excellent cook.
♪ Would you love her?
Yes, I would, sir ♪
Dance with me.
What? Here? Right next
to the Nacho-Cano?
I like you, Seymour.
You do?
But why?
I mean, but why?
Shh-shh-shh.
Words are your enemy, my love.
Melody is staying at
her father's tonight,
and, well, I can't
dance by myself...
although I do.
Can you believe it?
Oh, this is an outrage.
This morning
I was like...
♪ Ding-a-ling-a-ling. ♪
and now I'm like...
♪ Dong-dong-dong. ♪
Boys, relax,
have a drink
and tell Mama Moe all about it.
The city won't
let us march
in the Springfield
Founder's Parade.
Well, who needs them?
We can have our own parade.
We do. We have,
like, 20 of them.
But we're sick of being
second-class citizens.
Things will never change
until one of us
is on the town council.
Moe should run.
He's the heart of this
town's gay community.
Will you do it, Moe?
Will you become
Springfield's
first openly gay
city councilman?
Heh. Well, I think
if you guys can manage
to go into the voting booth
one at a time,
then I can manage to win.
Hooray for Moe!
Moe, can I discuss an inventory
issue with you in the back room?
You can't be these
people's leader
if you're lying to them
about who you are.
You're not gay.
Whew. I thought
it was an inventory issue.
That's a big relief.
Now don't worry, I'll
let them down easy.
In four years!
Yes! Your queen is back!
♪ I'm walking on sunshine ♪
♪ Not literally ♪
♪ It means that
I'm happy post-coitally ♪
♪ It was on a school night... ♪
Skinner!
That song needed
no lyrical improvement.
Gary...
Gary, you know
what you need?
A little...
honey in your yogurt.
Skinner!
You're a regular Casanova.
Or in English,
"new house."
Come on, come to life!
I swear I'll be nice to you.
Can I do a handstand
against you?
Sure.
Melody, you're
a great girl,
but I see you as
more of a sister,
and I don't like my sister.
You're breaking up with me...
upside down?
Raggedy Ann was
so right about you.
Thanks to you, Melody's
mother is so upset,
she's moving them out of town.
Good-bye, Seymour.
Think of me whenever you see
a tattoo you don't understand.
Calliope, is there anything
I can say to make you stay?
No. But you can say
you'll come with us.
Leave with you?
I'll have to check with Mother.
MRS. SKINNER:
Seymour, I found a ticket stub
for a James Bond movie
in your pants.
Explain yourself!
Well, it-it, uh... took place
in a country we teach about.
Fibs break baby Jesus's ribs.
Look, I don't know
how long this will last.
It could be a day.
It could be the rest
of our lives.
But you'll never know
unless you take this chance.
Give yourself permission.
Willie, you're principal now.
Really?
Who's the new groundskeeper?
Also you, and you
don't get more money.
Ach.
Yes.
My name is Moe Szyslak,
and I'm here to elect me.
Hello, Moe.
Uh, hey there.
Well, it's my business
partner, Mr. Smithers.
Nice of you to drop by
and not say nothin' that
costs nobody no election.
But Moe, how can
you be their leader
when you're not
one of them?
Oh!
I am one of them.
I only read Hustler
to see the pictures
of Larry Flynt.
Sounds great.
But first, answer me this:
Do you find me attractive?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Like all gays, I'm
attracted to all men.
Most insidious stereotype ever.
You're cute.
You want to go out
later?
Whoever said that, yes.
All right, if you're
attracted to me,
then kiss me, Moe.
Okay, okay, uh,
prepare to be kissed.
Ha, here we go.
Giving in to my
natural urges.
Okay, a few jumping
jacks just to warm up.
Okay, here comes
the airplane.
I'm sorry, everyone.
Oh, this is the most
embarrassing thing
I've ever had
to say, but...
I ain't gay!
Oh, Moe.
How could you lie
about who you are
when who we are
is all we are?
I didn't mean to.
At first, I was only gay
for your money.
And, and I had real, deep
feelings for that money.
But then I-I felt accepted
by you
in a way
that I'd never been before.
I just wish
you people could know
what it's like
to want acceptance.
Well, so who you
gonna vote for?
Me, or a Republican
whose record is so anti-gay,
he's clearly secretly super gay.
Now we don't know
who to vote for,
the liar or the denier.
Once again the powers that be
have spurned our request
for basic human equality.
Must not the heavens
themselves cry with rage?
How did you do that?
Classical training.
I'm very sorry.
I-I had to do what
I thought was right.
Well, as long as I
got nothin' to lose.
Not bad.
Like Frisbee golf,
I'm glad I tried it once.
What happened?
Well, it could
have been a day,
it could have been
the rest of my life.
And?
It was only a day.
You've been gone
for three months.
Groovy.
Puttin' everything back.
Undo. Undo. Undo.
Sports page back
over the urinal, and done.
♪ Jennifer Juniper ♪
♪ Sitting very still ♪
♪ Is she sleeping?
I don't think so ♪
♪ is she breathing?
Yes, very low ♪
♪ whatcha doing,
jennifer, my love? ♪
♪ jennifer juniper ♪
♪ rides a dappled mare ♪
♪ jennifer... ♪
Shh!