The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 21, Episode 18 - Chief of Hearts - full transcript

Homer and Chief Wiggum's new friendship is put to the test when the chief becomes needy after being shot, while Marge suspects that Bart may be dealing drugs.

(laughing maniacally)

(exclaims)

(school bell ringing)

(Barney belches)

(whistle blows)

(yells)

(beeping)

(playing the blues)

(playing the blues)

Whoa.

(gunfire)



(tires screeching)

(horn honking, Grampa shouts)

D'oh!

(tires screeching)

(grunts)

(soft jazz music playing)

(sighs)
Terrible.

♪ The Simpsons 21x18 ♪
Chief of Hearts
Original Air Date on April 18, 2010

(groans) I can't believe
you're making us

go to a birthday party
for a kid we don't even know.

Oh, you
remember Dylan.

You were in Toddle
Totv together.

I don't even remember
if Dylan's a boy or a girl.

Of course you do.



Dylan's a...

Hmm.

Let me check the invitation.

Fish theme?

That tells me nothing!

There's got to be a
clue here somewhere.

(Tchaikovsky's Overture
to Sleeping Beauty playing)

See? Dylan's
clearly a gir...

(Purcell's Funeral
of Queen Mary" playing)

(punches landing)

Hmm? What kind of party
has two activities?

They're just trying
to confuse me.

Look, everyone,
Dylan's best friend is here.

Oh! I give up!

I hope Dylan
likes trucks.

Lady, you don't know Dylan!

Hmm!

Ugh! Carrot cake?

Blechh!

Oh, carrot cake!

(chuckles):
Mmm!

So moist!

Battle card--
digitate!

Defense card--
deflecto-warp!

Disubaki--
goji kick!

Hey, dinks.
Whatcha dweebin'?

(scoffs): You don't know
Battle Balls?

It's a Japanese card game
based on a cartoon

based on an ancient religion
based on a candy bar.

It makes Digimon
look like Pokémon.

What?! Impossible!

(squawking cries)

(fanfare plays)

Whoa.

Hm?! "No food allowed in bank"?

Better lie low,
my sweet red friend.

(chomps)

He's got a gun!

(panicked yelling)

(muffled shouting)

I think he's saying he'll
kill one hostage an hour

until he gets
what he wants.

(muffled shouting)

He's saying he wants $1 million
in unmarked bills!

(muffled):
Oh, that would be nice.

(grunts)
(zapping)

(shrieking)

(panting)

It's just a
candy apple.

(muffled talking)

Clearly he's saying he
wants to be tasered again.

Get him deep
in the meat.

(zapping, shrieking)

Homer Simpson, for causing
a panic in the bank

you are hereby sentenced to
100 hours of community service!

Community service?

But... that's work.

What about jail?

Community service.

No. I want to go to jail.

Free food.
Teardrop tattoos.

Library books
that come to you.

I'll serve anything
but the community.

So, sweetie, this
community service detail

should end around 5:00.

You want to go
to that seafood place?

Ah, yeah, you got
your book club again.

Man, that-that thing
sure meets a lot.

Hey, you know,
I've read that book.

Maybe I could come and...

Oh, right, right, right,
not enough chairs.

Yeah. Well, I'll probably be
asleep in front of the fridge

when you get home. Bye.

Well, well, well,

the community
service detail.

You people make me sick.

Hey, whatcha packing, Simpson?

Just my lunch.

Chicken parm, meatball parm,

eggplant parm,

shish ka-parm,
angel food parm,

moo goo gai parm.

My wife can
parm anything.

Huh. My wife only parms
on my birthday.

And that's only if I give her
the sad puppy dog look.

(whimpers)

Aw...

(whimpers)

Want a bite?
Really?

You mean it?

Mmm.

Okay, criminals,
here's your assignments.

Brockman, you get
the used condoms out
of that thorn bush.

Krustofsky, go sort those bums
by the war they were in.

And, Simpson, you sit down
at this picnic table here

and grab a bite with me.

Teacher's pet.

Hey, find your nose,
funny man.

There was cocaine
in there.

I won't last an
hour. (sobbing)

Do you ever wear your police
pants to regular things?

Throw a jean jacket
on top of these babies,

and you can go anywhere.

From fast food to fine dining?

And everything in between.

Ever stop breathing

when you're asleep?
Oh, yeah, all the time.

They say it's
'cause I'm overweight.

Overweight? You?

Oh, now, that's crazy.

Now, me, I have to get
my underwear specially made

my this village
in the Ukraine.

They call me
"Daddy Round-Round."

Send me a Christmas card
every year.

That's some
big underwear.

My underpants paid for
their water filtration system.

All right,
that's it for today.

Uh, Simpson,
hold on a sec.

Um... (clears throat)
you want to, uh...

(clears throat)
uh, I don't know,

get a beer
sometime, uh...?

Okay. Ever been to Moe's?

Uh, Earth to Homer:

I arrested you there last month.
(chuckles)

Oh, yeah. Sorry I was
such a jerk about it.

Ah, nah, who
could blame you?

Your-your sports
team lost.

Yeah. Well, I-I'll
see you at Moe's.

I'm there every day,
5:00 to 11:00.

(chuckles)

Heh.

Uh, calling all units,

Chief Wiggum just
made a friend.

Uh, he's not my friend.

He's just a nonviolent perp

I'm gonna pound
a few beers with.

Is he looking at me right now?

No, no, no, don't
be so obvious.

Let's all look
without looking, okay?

Mmm...

Oh, my God, he likes me.
Officer up.

Oh. Officer way, way up.

Oh, man, this
is so awesome.

I can't believe I'm having
breakfast where the cops do.

Yeah, and you can feel good
about eating here, too.

Because all the cooks
are ex-cons

getting a second chance.

Aw, dang.
I lost track of time.

I'm gonna be late for work.

Mmm, no, you won't.

Follow me.

(laughs)

(siren wailing)

Wow. So this is what it feels
like to be a pregnant lady.

Hey, Simpson,

think you got all the
best Battle Ball cards?

Well, stink again,
smell-wad.

Ralph Wiggum's got a
platinum lava genie.

How'd a pull-up like you
get a great card like that?

My not-dead grandma
sent it from Tokyo.

Ralph, I will play you
for that card?

Okay, but if I win,
you have to teach me
how to play this game.

Deal.

Sir, I think
something's going down.

Something big.

Hmm. Can that be some sort
of narcotics transaction?

Uh, what are you asking me for?

(gasps)

Ooh.

I see you're impressed
by my costume

to the school's annual
drug-awareness assembly.

Uh, so am I getting
a raise or not?

No.

Hey, Homer, hand
me my coffee.

Want some sugar?

No, no, I got it.

Impressive.

Hey, would it be okay if I,
uh, ran a make on myself?

Go ahead.

Drunk and disorderly?

That's a little redundant.

Hey, uh, mind if I do
a little spring cleaning?

I'll tell you what, I'll
just look the other way

while you press
"control-F3."

Oh. You just put yourself
on AMBER Alert.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Um...
WOMAN:
Hey! There he is!

WIGGUM:
Okay, that's better.

Not a good time
to be carrying this cake.

Listen, Homer, uh,
would you like to see my, uh...

my favorite place
in the whole world?

Really? Me?

Homer, I'm gonna let you
in on a little secret.

Cops don't have
many friends.

Civilians are
scared of us,

and, uh, other cops

just remind us of things
we want to forget.

That's why our friendship
is... so special to me.

(sniffles):
Chief... me, too.

Um, you know I've been back here
for, like, ten hours.

Any chance
of a bathroom break?

Thanks a lot,
jailbird.

Now I've got you
on burglary and
killing a moment.

Mrs. Simpson,
Bart has always been

what we educators term
a no-goodnik.

But lately his behavior
has taken a more sinister turn.

Yes. We have reason to believe
your son has been dealing drugs.

(gasps):
Dealing drugs?

That's impossible.

He... he doesn't have
the math skills.

Marge, I know you've
tried everything

to keep Bart
under control--

Ritalin, Lithium, Zoloft.

Well, they didn't work.

He has moved on to drugs.

(worried groan)

(door creaks)

Bart? Bart, are you here?

(rowdy laughter)

MILHOUSE:
You really know how
to roll 'em, Bart.

(gasps):
That's drug talk.

But I could be mistaken.

Let me just listen
to a little more out of context.

This product
is unbelievable.

It's imported,
you know.

(gasps)

(coughs)

You ever worry the sun's
not going to come back

after it goes
down at night?

No.

Uh, me, neither.

But-but you
know who does?

Ralphie. Got a lot of
worries, that kid.

What if the
bed wets him?

What if Superman decided
to kill everybody?

(chuckles)

Hey, Ralph's a good kid.

And he should be.

He's got a great dad.

Ah, Homer Simpson, you always
know the perfect thing to say.

LOU (over radio):
Chief. Chief, it's Lou.

Ugh.

Okay, what is it now?

They're shooting at us.

We need backup now.

You need backup,
or you want backup?

We got a 2-11 in progress.

Hey, what have I told you
about not using the numbers?!

It's an armed robbery, damn it.

(gunshots)

(sighing):
Oh, I guess we should go.

Ooh, ooh. Can
I cuff him?!

(laughs)
Sure. Why not?

Chief, come on.
He's not trained.

Oh, who are you,
the rules police?

Uh, no.
We are the police police.

Nobody moves, or the
doughboy gets popped.

(yelling)

Take your hands off my brother

from another mother.

(gunshot, groans)

Let's get
out of here!

Not to worry, Homer.

That's what bulletproof
vests are for.

(sighs)

Uh-oh.

(agonized groan)

Is he gonna
be okay?

It's gonna be touch and go.

He left lung was filled
with shamrock shake.

McDonald's didn't even
sell them this year.

(crying)

Don't worry, Sarah.

Clancy was
there for me,

and I'll be
there for him.

♪ ♪

(laughing)

Huh?

Oops.

Don't die on me, Clancy.

(crying)

You said our friendship
was special.

Well, if it was
so special,

wake up,
you fat sack of...

(moaning)

Homer?

Huh? What-what happened to me?

You saved my life.

And I came here every day
to make sure you pulled through.

Thanks, Homer.

You're a true friend.

Unlike that Lou.

You're too late.

Chief, I've been sleeping
on that couch for a week.

You missed the wakeup.

That's all that counts.

(sighs)

Clancy, I haven't seen
my family in days.

Would you mind
if I went home now?

Now? But I-I just woke up.

Well, if you really want me
to stay...

No, no.
You do what you have to do.

Live your life... which I saved.

Fine. I'll stay
a little more.

Great. Great.

And can you read me a story...
that you write yourself?

It should be about
an imaginary meeting

between Babe Ruth
and Hitler.

But make no mention of
baseball or Germany.

And... begin.

(groans)

Oh.

Ah. Ooh.

(groans)

(gasps)

(groaning)

(grunting)

Hmm.

Oh. Hmm.

Awesome.

You finally made
my room cool.

Bart Simpson,
are you a drug-o?

What?! No.

Not until you
raise my allowance.

Well, can you explain
what you were doing

in the basement with Milhouse?

Getting higher and higher...

(gasps)

...scores on Battle Ball.

(sighs)

Hey, that's pretty nifty.

Let me try.

Oh, my gosh, that's adorable.

This one's going on
the Christmas tree.

It's no fun
if my Mom likes 'em.

(flushing)

Oh. Come on, toilet.

If you can handle Dad,
you can handle this.

Homer, where you been
the last few weeks?

Playing nursemaid
to Chief Wiggum.

People who get shot in the
chest are such big babies.

Ah. That is so much better
than hospital beer.

Well, well, well.

So this is
the St. Elmo's Fire reunion

that Andrew McCarthy himself
was going to attend.

Okay, maybe I lied,
but you've been so needy.

"I'm hungry," "I'm itchy,"
"That's not my blood type."

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh. Oh. What have we here? Huh.

"World's worst friend."

Hey, man, you planted that.

It's your word
against the chf of police.

Take him away, boys.

Chief, being a
bad friend isn't
against the law.

Well, if it was,
he'd be getting the chair.

You-you all would.

Bad friend. Bad friend.
Bad friend.

(sobbing, gunshots)

(dramatic music playing on TV)

(tires squealing)

Who gave me up?

Guess what,
Silkie.

It was your
own mother.

How does that feel?

You both jive.

You hear me?
You both jive.

(both laughing)

Oh, everything reminds me
of Clancy.

Yeah. You mugs'll never
take me alive, see.

(snorting)

Oh, everything.

MARGE:
Homer, you have visitors.

Homer, we haven't seen the Chief
in days,

and, uh,
we're starting to worry.

Any idea where
he might be?

I have an idea,
but I must go alone.

(whispers loudly):
My car is filled

with printer paper
I stole from work.

Hey, Chief.

I, uh, brought a
32-piece chicken bucket.

Ha. Just like you to forget
that I might want some.

FAT TONY:
Come on. Come on.

Stitch those
alligators.

We got to get those knockoff
Lacoste shirts to the mall

in time for the crazy days
of summer sale.

WIGGUM:
Freeze.

Huh.

Whoa. Careful, boys.

Looks like
his weapon's loaded...

with 12 original herbs
and spices.

(laughing)

You're jive.
Do you hear me?

You're all
jive.
(gun chambers click)

I'm sorry, Homer.

If I hadn't have been so needy,
we wouldn't be in this trunk.

Well, I was
kind of ungrateful.

You did save my life.

Well, at least we got
to be friends again,

you know, before
we got whacked.

We're not gonna get whacked.

Because you're
Chief Clancy Wiggum,

and you're gonna figure a way
out of this.

You have that much faith in me?

No. Faith is what you have
in things that don't exist.

Your awesomeness is real.

(grunts)

Louie, how about
some ominous music?

It will make our drive

to the body dumpery
most cinematic.

You got it, boss.

♪ I learned the truth at 17 ♪

♪ That love was meant... ♪

This sounds like
your Folk Divas mix.

(tires screech)

I'm gonna slap some sense
into that CD changer.

Eat Fix-A-Flat.

(groans)

(yells)

Oh, so that was a tire iron
poking me in the back.

Oh, that clears up a lot.

Attention all units.

Chief Wiggum and Homer
have moved into a new phase

in their friendship.

The flame will burn
less brightly perhaps,

but this time,
may last much longer.

Well said, Lou.

Um, oh, Homer, you want to
take out the police copter

and hassle people
with the spotlight?

I know just the guy.

HOMER (over bullhorn):
Flanders. Wake up.

Take off your clothes
and prepare to be raptured.

Okily dokily.

Now, shave off
your moustache

and drink the hairs
in a cup of cocoa.

Hot cocoa?

No, ice cold.

(laughing)

("At Seventeen" playing)

♪ I learned the truth at 17 ♪

♪ That love was meant
for beauty queens ♪

♪ And high school girls
with clear-skinned smiles ♪

♪ Who married young
and then retired ♪

♪ The valentines I never knew ♪

♪ The Friday night
charades of youth ♪

♪ Were spent on one
more beautiful ♪

♪ At 17, I learned the truth ♪

♪ And those of us with ravaged faces ♪

♪ Lacking in the social graces ♪

♪ Desperately remained at home ♪