The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 21, Episode 1 - Homer the Whopper - full transcript

Comic Book Guy casts Homer as the lead in "Everyman," a feature film based on a new comic book superhero who possesses the ability to take on the powers of every superhero in every comic he touches. To whip Homer into superhero shape, the movie studio hires celebrity fitness trainer Lyle McCarthy, but Homer has trouble sticking to his new healthy regimen.

Season 21 - Episode 01
- Homer the Whopper -

{\pos(192,210)}Milhouse, watch me make
a loser lose it.

{\pos(192,210)}Customers, how I hate them.

{\pos(192,210)}Excuse me. I just heard that before
Spider-Man was a movie,

{\pos(192,210)}it was a comic book,
is that possible?

What the...?

{\pos(192,210)}Suffering Steve Ditko!

How can you not know

that Spider-Man

first appeared in 1962's classic

Amazing Fantasy #15?!



12 cents!

{\pos(192,210)}- I'll take 8.
- What the...? You idiot!

{\pos(192,210)}Mint condition copies are,
like, $40,000 each!

Must lie down

on pile of unsold Hulk Hands.

Hulk smash. Hulk smash-smash.

Hulk smash.

What's this?

"Everyman"?

{\pos(192,210)}He's not a hero from Marvel, DC,
Image or WildStorm.

{\pos(192,210)}"It was a typical day
for delivery man

Avery Mann until..."

- Help! Bank robbers!
- Shut your yap.

{\pos(192,210)}Time for this average man
to disappear.



{\pos(192,210)}Look at that fat guy
beatin' it like an egg.

{\pos(192,210)}He's scramblin' like an egg.

- Egg.
- Egg.

Laugh while you can.

Everyman absorbs
the powers of every superhero

whose comic book he touches.

Power-Absorption Power...

Absorb!

{\pos(192,210)}It's just a flyin' fat
so keep robbin'.

Good afternoon.

{\pos(192,210)}Put me in Sing-Sing!
It's safer!

Perfect.

Plastic Man powers...

Absorb!

Going somewhere?

Everyman will stop
every crime every time.

And I... am...

Everyman.

Put my comic down.

{\pos(192,210)}- You made this?!
- Shut up.

{\pos(192,210)}No one is interested in the critical
judgment of a worthless child...

Actually, I like it.

{\pos(192,210)}- You what now?
- Everyman is awesome.

{\pos(192,210)}Reading it,
I escaped from my troubles.

{\pos(192,210)}Now they're back in spades.

{\pos(192,210)}- Have you shown this to anyone?
- No. If copies got out,

{\pos(192,210)}it would be ridiculed by
the online community:

{\pos(192,210)}SonofSpock, TheDorkKnight,
and IkilledKenny6475.

Don't be afraid of them.
They're just lame-o's like yourself.

Two of them are me.

{\pos(192,210)}Very well.

{\pos(192,210)}I... shall...

self-publish.

How many issues have you written?

Just 335,

{\pos(192,210)}including
the controversial number 289,

featuring the death of Marmaduke.

{\pos(192,50)}Comic Book Guy's been writing
these for years.

{\pos(192,210)}Who knew a troubled person
could be creative?

Still waters run deep.

I'm so rich.

I'm so rich.

What's our next big summer franchise?

You want an original idea?

Yes. Let your imaginations run free.

Something that's never been
a movie before,

- but feels like it has.
- Extension cords.

- Mixed nuts.
- Car keys.

We've already made everything
that could possibly be a movie

into a great movie.
There's nothin' left.

Dad, can we go?

- I've watched all the DVDs in the Bentley.
- Jonah, what's that in your hand?

Big surprise that
you don't know what this is.

It's only Everyman,
the coolest comic book ever.

- What are his powers?
- All of them.

Our next big summer movie
will be Everyman.

Marv? Ginormous Pictures bought
the rights to Everyman 3 weeks ago.

Damn it!

We at Ginormous Pictures
are incredible fans

and think Everyman
would make a fantastic movie.

Really? The way you thought "Stratego"
would make a good movie?

You'd expect us to believe

that a red scout
would date a blue general?

Gu... ffaw.

Hey, don't blame us.
Brett Ratner had final cut.

I'm well aware of who had what cut.

Let me get to the point:
It is not money I am after,

or women, I know that is impossible.

What I want is to pick
the actor who will play Everyman.

No can do.

Thank you.

- But we never give...
- Thank you.

- They'll laugh us out of Hollywood.
- I repeat:

Thank you.

- Fine. You got it.
- Thank you.

I played hardball with Hollywood.

The closest I will ever come
to playing a sport in my life.

"Wherever there's
a crime to be solved,

"I will be there to solve...

...it."

And there's more, but my fax machine
ran out of ink, so I can't read it.

Do you know where you can buy ink
for an Amiga brand fax machine?

Thank you, that was great.

You want to see it any other way?
Like sad... or Brooklyn,

- or Richard Nixon voice?
- Pass.

But I already bought a boat
with the money you were gonna pay me.

Come on, Comic Book Guy,
you've gotta pick someone.

We've already read three people.

Don't you latt?-sipping leeches
understand?

I've seen enough
of these Hollywood super-hunks.

We need a dumpy,
unappealing loser: an everyman.

Can you help me out?
I need change for a dollar.

I also need a dollar.

You... are... acceptable.

Great. Do you want to see me naked?

- There's no nudity in this movie.
- What movie?

Let's go around the table,
and everybody say

one amazing thing
that happened to them today. Lisa?

- I qualified for the National Math Bee...
- Great. Marge, go.

Guess who the garden club
elected president?

- You? Awesome. Next.
- No. I lost.

They can go to Hell. Bart?

Dr. Hibbert found out my thyroid
isn't pumping out enough...

Time's up. Okay, Maggie: "suck, suck"
that takes us to... me.

Some Hollywood idiots hired me
to star in a movie.

No kidding?!

Homer, we have a problem.

Fine. I'll give back the Oscars
I stole from the lobby.

- Do you want the Golden Globe?
- No! No...

But we have a bigger problem.

Homer, my brother and I showed
this picture of you

to a cross-section
of typical moviegoers.

Not one thought
you looked like a superhero.

Several people stared at the sun,
attempting to blind themselves.

Stared at the sun.

Against every animal instinct they had.

We need you to slim down,
muscle up and become

the Everyman people want to be
instead of the one they actually are.

I don't know if I can.
I'm a yo-yo dieter:

"Yo, hot dog man. Yo, peanuts."

Why aren't you laughing?
Don't you know what "yo" means?

Maybe I can help.

Lyle McCarthy.

Finally, the answer to my problem.

- What do you do?
- He's the trainer to the stars.

Here's what Brad and Angelina
looked like before they met me.

They look good
with a little meat on their bones.

Come with me.

Take my hand, Homer,

and wave good-bye to fat you.

Good-bye, fat me.

You sure that guy who created
Everyman's gonna like this?

Him? He's gone Hollywood.

...a lot of people have come
to this town and changed, but not me.

Now excuse me,
I have to read a story

to my adopted Cambodian orphan.

Nannies,
produce the child and the story.

Hello, Prius... give Daddy a kiss.

Do you know why you eat?

Because I'm swallowing
my frustrations and disappointments?

Something bad happens and you cope
by cramming a donut in your mouth.

Well, you don't always have time to ***.

I'm gonna teach you healthy emotional
alternatives to eating.

We don't have much time, so we'll do it
in a montage to the song

"Eye of the Tiger."

That song's a little on the nose.
Can we do it to David Bowie's "Heroes"?

It's your montage.

This montage sounds really exhausting.

How about I just do
a walking around sad montage?

A montage of me turning a ragtag
Little League team into state runners-up?

Me using funny modes of transportation
like a hot air balloon and a camel,

and finally a truck full of chickens?

Then I get out of it
and go to thank the driver,

- but the driver is a chicken?
- Let's just skip ahead a month.

{\pos(192,230)}10,001... 10,002... and... fit.

I gotta take this.
Tobey! Cider House Rules!

Total wuss.

Seabiscuit, you keeping off
the sugar cubes?

I hatethis guy.

I love this guy!

Tobe, Tobe, Tobe,
we talked about this.

If the rice ain't brown,
don't chow down.

I gotta bail...
I'm with Everyman right now.

Don't worry. He totally sucks.

I'm only lying to him.

Good-bye!

Bad-bye.

Was that Tobey Maguire?

Home Town Buffet,

like I told John Travolta,
my client list is private.

You know what? Enough chitchat.
Hit the pole!

Stripper up...

fireman down.

And sexy.

Heroic!

Sexy.

Heroic!

And sexy.

Heroic!

Earn that money.

Found this on the roof.

Well, I think we've seen
the last of the Purple Pariah.

Thanks, Everyman.

Don't thank me.

Thank Captain America

for giving me the patriotism

to want to save
the president's life.

And thank Wonder Woman

for giving me the boobs
to distract the guards.

And... cut.

- What'd you think, kids?
- That was awesome!

Although there were
a few holes in the story.

That's the problem when
you have 17 writers.

But don't worry, we have
two fresh ones working on it.

Ooh, Homie, take
your shirt off again.

Oh! There's less of you to love,

but I love you even more!

Aah! What was that?

Your other hand.

Cut! Terrific.

Bring in the next helicopter.

Awesome performance, Homer.
I smell Oscar.

Oscar, take a shower,
or a tomato bath or something.

Please!

This life is the greatest...
I get paid a fortune,

I've got a closet full
of free sneakers and watches,

and I get to hire my friends.

At least you get to see
my face-- unlike Carl.

I'm being paid to do what I love!

A lot of things come and go in life,

but not fame and fitness.

Homer! Homer Sapian, can
I have a word with you?

I know this is a bad time, but
I'm leaving for another gig.

Is that all this temporary
job was to you, a gig?

Don't take it personally, Home Team.

But how will I keep from overeating?

Just remember what I taught you.

But you taught me the only
people who can stay thin

are those who can afford $5,000-a-week
nutritional consultants!

I've taught you well.

Good-bye.

He's gone.

One cheese cube couldn't hurt.

Ooh! This other cheese cube
stuck to the first one.

Well, that still
technically counts as one.

Mm, it's bad luck to eat an
uneven number of cheese cubes.

Don't look at me!

Don't look at me!

You, you watch.

Avery, I swear, you're the
only man in Gothamopolis

who's never seen Everyman.

Well, one thing's for sure:

I'm not Everyman.

Cut!

This is a disaster.

I'm getting a bad
feeling about this film.

The star's overweight,
we're way over budget,

and the grasshopperaptor
we built seems

to have developed an evil mind
of its own.

Oh, Marge, I'm ready
for some lovin'.

Come and get me!

Marge! Speak to me!

I think you may have
put on a little weight.

Nag, nag, nag!

Apu, I have to lose weight now.

Do you have anything
that'll make me vomit?

Well, I don't know,

I... might have some milk
that has expired.

Ah, here we are.

A delightful buttermilk from 1961.

Oh, '61...

everyone was twisting again like
they did the previous summer.

Whatever you do,
do not chew the chunks.

Oh, boy.

Cleanup in aisles in three,

two, one...

And... action!

What?

Cut.

- Where's Homer?
- In his trailer.

- He won't come out?
- He can'tcome out.

This film is an embarrassment
of Jar-Jarrian magnitude!

As the writer, I demand
to express my opinion.

Ooh, I'm afraid that's
not gonna happen.

I see.

Well, I respect that...

and Vulcan death grip!

Hollywood ponytail yank!

My only sin was believing
in George Clooney!

How you doing, man?

Ooh, I think we have a clunker here.

And I should know
I produced Bad Summer Movie,

the parody of bad summer movies that
was itself a bad summer movie.

Don't worry, we fixed
everything with editing.

Editing solves everything
except my problems with the IRS.

Yeah, how's that going?

Everyman...

show your-ssself.

I'm right here.

I've been here all along.

Half the shots he's fat,
half the shots he's thin...

it's taking me out of the moment.

Like when you're kissing
a girl, and she burps.

Who was in charge
of continuity on this picture?

I tried to show them the Polaroids...
they wouldn't look.

It's your job to get
their attention.

Nobody takes responsibility anymore.

Well, I-I just wanted
to get back into the business

after I had my kids.

Yeah, well, now those kids have
an embarrassment for a mother.

Home Boy.

What happened, dude?

You went from Everyman
to Everywhereman.

What happened is, you left!

Who did you leave me for?

Tell me...
I can take it.

Okay!
It was Turtle from Entourage.

I knew it!

Come on, Home Run.
It's okay, Home Alone.

Look, I'm sorry.

Let me make this up to you:
I'll train you,

then leave you again, then
come back and train you.

It's how I make my money.

Just you and me?

You, me...

and Turtle.

That could work.

He is a great guy.

He's an awful guy.

You just said both
those things to me.

I'm sorry.

I'm not sorry.

Look, Comic Book Guy,
about the movie,

we know it's not great.

Yeah, the projectionist
hung himself at the final reel.

But you created Everyman

your fans will think
whatever you tell 'em.

If you put the word out
that this movie is good,

we'll let you direct the sequel.

You would let me direct

Everyman 2: Rise of the Revenge?

Absolutely!
All you have to do

is tell your army of Internet
dweebs to go see this movie.

Hmm, sell my soul
for Hollywood lucre,

or stay true to my lofty ideals.

Everyman,the motion picture,

is the combination
of a life-long dream,

and I was one of the few

who saw that dream realized
on screen last night.

If there is one fault to find
with this $200 million production,

it is that this is the worst

movie ever!

And send!

And sip.

Though legislation was passed

to ensure Everyman was
never seen on screens again,

he remains in the hearts
of every man, woman and child

looking for justice,

or just hoping to see
bad people beaten up.

I'm so cold.

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