The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 20, Episode 15 - Wedding for Disaster - full transcript

And so, in summary, there are
only two real commandments,

and the other eight are just filler.

I knew it.

And now, I have some exciting news.

Tomorrow will be blessed with a visit

from the highest ranking clergyman
of our Presbylutheran faith,

his holiness, the parson.

The parson? He's coming here?

Oh, my God! She fainted!
Let's go get smelling salts!

Suckers!

Springfielders have
camped out all night



to get a glimpse of the most
saintly person to visit our town

since Mother Teresa
stopped here to gas up her Vespa.

And I'm selling all sorts of
faith-based knick-knacks.

Let's take a look.

"I'd commit arson for the parson."

"Clergymen can kiss my apse."

All kinds of gems.

Surprisingly, none of them have sold.

Except for this one.

There you have it.
News has never been softer.

What's that? The parson is here!

Oh, my God! It's him!
The earthly embodiment

of the elected chair of
the national congress of deacons.

Hello, everybody. I hope you didn't
go to all this trouble for little old me.



Parson, Parson. Give us a quick
official church position on family?

Well, in these modern times,
family is more important than ever.

You just made my mustache tingle.

Settle. Settle down.

Now, now. I'm just a man like
any other that has been chosen by God.

I have come here from our world spiritual
headquarters in Michigan City, Indiana

to say, "Keep up the good work."

And now, if you'll excuse me,
I'll do a little speaking with your deacon.

I love to go to church
It's where I like to read

I get a day in of praying
And still tee off by three

Oh, calm down, Tim. He's just your
old roommate from Texas Christian.

He's like the pope of this thing!

This would be like Mary Kay visiting you
when you were selling her cosmetics.

That is if you had stuck with it.

You asked me to quit, because
I was making more than you.

Not now. He's here.

Welcome, Your Holiness.

You'll love what
we've done with the church.

There's fresh wax on all the pews.

Sounds to me like somebody
put on more than just one coat.

Maybe.

Tim, is there somewhere
that we can talk?

Of course. My office.

Perfect.

Walking to your office
is what I like to do

Maybe while we're at it
We'll peek in at your pews

Nilla wafer?

I'll take two if you don't mind.

Tim, I'm here because of a problem
with your last recertification.

When we tried to charge
the filing fee to your credit card,

it was declined.

Oh, yeah. The bank put
on a security hold

after they saw charge
from an offshore poker club.

Helen had bought a fireplace poker
from Nova Scotia.

She says it shifts logs better
than American pokers.

But I disagree. We'll get through it.
We always do.

Well, love conquers all, huh?

I remember when
she was Helen Schwarzbaum.

In fact, I remember when
she was Harold Schwarzbaum.

You what?

I've said too much.

But for the three months
it took your card to go through,

you weren't certified.

Anything you officiated
during that time--

funerals, baptisms, even bingo.

Well it just didn't count.

Well, I'm sure
the Lord is understanding.

No, He's not.

I'll notify those affected right away.

Tea time.

What's going on?

Helen, I was briefly uncertified.

So all those graces
you said were a lie?

That food might as well have been
regurgitated by Satan himself.

Regurgitated by Satan
He couldn't keep it down

Oh, 666
He got sick, sick, sick

And that's how volcanoes were born

Due to a bureaucratic snafu,
I wasn't an official minister

when we laid your dear Estelle to rest.

She still alive?

I'm afraid not.

'Cos I left her ashes on the bus.

So Captain, when I blessed
your vessel, it didn't count.

Maybe the next one!

So I'm afraid I wasn't the minister
when I blessed your ten-roof shanty.

So that's why that ghost
keeps coming through the window.

Afternoon.

Fly away ghosty! Go back
to your haunted cornfield!

Reverend Lovejoy, you deliver pizza now?

We didn't order a pizza.
But you forgot the pizza anyway.

Marge, the pizza place screwed up again.

You remember when I remarried
you two after Homer got that divorce?

Like it was yesterday.

Kirk and Luann split up so Homer,

fearing we would do the same,

preemptively filed for divorce.

But then you remarried us,
and we were as solid as ever.

And I think Apu
got lucky with my sister.

Well, I'm afraid that joyous occasion

fell during a time when
I wasn't actually a minister.

Since that time,
you two have not been legally wed.

You don't get it, Paudre. My old lady
and I have a thing going on.

We don't need
a piece of paper to keep it real.

Who are you calling an old lady?

I need that paper quick!

So you and Mom aren't married?
Does that mean I'm a bastard?

You were born while
they were married so legally, no.

But in the sense someone calls you
one when they're angry, yes.

It's not a big deal. We'll just go
to City Hall, and get married there.

I think it's romantic. You can pretend
you're newlyweds starting a life together.

Yeah, instead of exhausted zombies
running down the clock.

Why, you little bastard!

That's the angry one.

This isn't the most
romantic place to get married.

Sweetie, any place I'm marrying you
is the most romantic place in the world.

Watch your back.
Half a corpse coming through.

Marge, this time I'm gonna
give you the wedding deserve.

Let's get out of here.

That's the line to get out.

Hello?

Hello. It's me, Lance Romance.

Your first mission
is to look out the window.

Whatever you say, Lance.

This is Bill and Marty saying,
"Marge, go down to the basement."

Homer, what's going on?

The violin, pants with a crease. Why?

Marge, you deserve a wedding day
that, unlike our children,

was planned in advance.

So, will you marry me in style?

Oh, yes, Homer. Yes.

Did you hear that Santa?
She said, yes! Yes!

Now back to your cold airless tomb.

Ho, ho, ho.

It's beautiful.
But that's an awful lot to pay

for a dress I'll only wear once.

Marge, a woman only gets
one chance at a second remarriage.

The choice is yours.
You can look like a fairy princess,

or a pig wrapped in rags.

A princess?

Fine. We'll do it your way.

This one's a little gay, isn't it?

Well, the last time I checked,
pirates weren't gay.

Dude, how'd you check?

Check out this
rocket ship cake, Marge.

That's for a child's birthday.
We're going to get this one.

Maybe we can bury
the rocket ship inside the cake.

And that would be a big surprise,

because I'd forget about it
pretty quick.

No rockets!
You can pick the frosting.

Chocolate!

We'll take lemon.

Okay, I want white roses at the alter,

red roses along the aisle,
and blue roses in the centerpieces.

There are no blue roses.

I want to talk to Howard!

Howard died ten years ago.

Well did he take all
the blue roses with him?

My father was a lovely man.

He took very good care of my mother and me.

All right, people. I want every table
to have two baskets of bread,

but only one plate of butter.

That'll stimulate conversation.

What if we--

There is no "we" in "wedding."

But there is, Marge.
The first two letters.

I can't believe you're ruining
the second Thursday before the wedding!

Oh, Homer.

I can't believe you told Lenny
and Carl they could bring dates!

'Cos they're not even
coming to the wedding.

Why not?

Because they're RSVP cards arrived
one day after the deadline!

Marge, maybe you should
take a break from wedding planning.

I think you're becoming Bridezilla!

Bridezilla?

A combination of bride and Godzilla?

How could you say that?

More like you're a King Wrong!

No matter what I do, Marge yells at me.

If she's like this now, what will she
be like after we get married?

Okay, okay. Everyone, back off!

I want to see myself.

A pimple? Not on my day, you don't.

Okay, it's go time.

Dim the lights.

To the band.

And release the groom.

Homer, that's you.

We are now eleven seconds
behind schedule!

Homie!

I can't believe Homer
left me at the alter.

Oh, Marge. Have a shrimp puff.

Wipe your tears with
the monogram napkins.

I know it is hard, but smile for
the cameraman from Gary's Magic Moments.

You have my deepest sympathy.

What's going on?
What's with all the darkness?

Hello? Marge? Where am I?

What the-- I'm chained up
like a common bicycle!

Who would do this to me? It would have
to be someone who could afford a chain.

You're going to be here a while.

But I have to marry Marge!

As of now, your pathetic
little life means nothing!

Just so you know, you're making
a pretty bad first impression.

It's all my fault.

Homer wanted to serve
those little cocktail hot dogs,

but, no, I had to have spring rolls!

They taste like nothing.

I don't understand. Dad would never miss
an open bar with chicken wings.

Plus, he loves Mom and us,
yadda, yadda, yadda.

Hey, I found something!

Sideshow Bob!

He ruined the wedding.

Getting his revenge on us at last!

Because he knows that if Mom and Dad
don't get married, I'll never be born!

I've got some wedding registry
items for Mrs. Simpson.

I'm afraid I'm just Ms. Simpson now.

Interesting nuance.

I'd like to hear more about it,
but company policy forbids chit-chat.

I miss you so much.

To remove that chain,
you need the key to the lock.

You idiot. How am I ever
gonna find the key to the--

Oh, here it is.

To get the key,
I have to lick through a lollipop?

How awful!

Ow! What the--

The lollipop is made of hot sauce.

Whose side are you on?

Sideshow Bob, drop that knife,
and give back our dad!

Oh?

I'm working on a bust of Krusty,
and using this knife to aerate the clay.

Anyone for peppermint tea?

Not for me. But the monkey
needs to keep his strength up.

We're gonna drop him out of
a blimp tomorrow, and see what happens.

Oh, don't worry. Nothing's gonna
happen to you, Mr. Teeny Number 7.

Bob, did you take any breaks
yesterday? To kidnap our dad?

Impossible. I was with Bob the whole day.

Then we watched the deluxe DVD
of the House Of Sand and Fog.

At night, we slept in
the same bed for warmth.

Then we woke up, had a little nosh,

watched the House Of Sand
and Fog again, with commentary.

The director was an ass.

Fine, but how do you explain this?

Nice of you to think of me.

However, S.B. could be anyone.

Scott Baio, the Sultan of Brunei,

the former Poland secret police
the S