The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 20, Episode 14 - In the Name of the Grandfather - full transcript

A home and garden show?

Mom, you said we were
going to a video game expo!

You told me we were gonna
pick up trash by the freeway!

You told me something,
but I wasn't listening!

I'm sorry for fibbing.

Tell you what. If you don't like it,
you can complain all the way home.

Fair enough.

Kids, let's practice.

Mi, mi, mi, mi.

Well that's a....

- There's a day we'll never get back.
- I was so bored.



That was good, but Lisa, you're still
complaining from your throat.

Not your diaphragm.

I was so bored

Look! A welcome mat that
tells you you're weight.

Your weight is...

Warranty voided.

Oh, my God! Look over there!

The Sprinkle King, Sprinkle Queen,
and Deluxe Sprinkle King

are the Simon and Garfunkel plus one
of hose nozzle dispersal arrays.

Observe.

Classic hose play.

What is that soothing sound?

Maybe it's beef stew!

Hot tubs!



Guys, what's it like?

Getting a back rub from an orgasm.

I want to buy your fanciest hot tub.

You mean the U-Soup 5000!

Please, can I get it, Marge? Please, please?

I can have all my birthday parties in it!

I'll be less stressed!
And I'm really friggin' stressed!

If I'm more relaxed, I'll be a better mom.

Can we? Can we?

Wait a minute. Who am I pleading with?

- Beats me.
- I don't know.

Please, please, please?

Now I know why lobsters let out that joyful
squeal when they're dropped in the pot.

We're starting to attract swingers.

Yes!

I'm on it.

Go back to your day spas!

Maybe we should get out now.

Interesting proposal.

Now with an opposing point of view, bubbles!

Hey, cool your jets!
We're trying to get to sleep!

Hey, Flanders. Why don't you join us?

Afraid you'll get your mustache wet?

Well, yes.

Come on, man. Baptise your buns.

I feel like we're forgetting something.

There was a note on
the fridge marked urgent.

Funny word, urgent. Urgent. Urgent.

One of us should go look at it.

Probably a reminder to relax more.

- Yeah.
- That's it.

I'm sorry, Abe.

We just can't wait
for your family any longer.

But they're coming. My son even put
a note on his refrigerator.

Please wait.

I'm afraid it's too late.

On your mark, get set.

No!

They're blanks, Abe.

Hey, what happened to the bubbles?

You good-for-nothing jellyfish!

While you were lying here
soaking like a bunch of dirty dishes,

I was lonelier than Estes Kefauver
at a meeting of Murder Incorporated!

That actually makes sense. Look it up!

Sorry we missed your special day, Grampa.

We'll definitely go next year.

The thing is,
I ain't got much life left to live.

And a wasted daylight today
is what I know I'll never get back.

Oh, Dad! I never knew
you had dreams or emotions.

We'll make it up to you.

We'll do something you've always
wanted to do, but never got the chance.

Well, there are a few things I was
hoping to do before I become dust in a jar.

Who said anything about a jar?

Anyway, I made a list.

Okay.

"Things I want to do before I die."

"Pitch in a negro league."

I can at least think of
at least two problems with that.

Can't read that one. My thumb's over it.

"Have one more beer at O'Flanagan's Pub."

We'll do that one.

This place is in Ireland?

That's right.
Now let's make our reservations.

Lousy old man making me
look up at an airplane!

Welcome to Ireland. Also known as
the Emerald Isle, Potatoville, East Boston,

Freckled Bog, the Land of Poetry,
and the Land of Bad Poetry.

And on your left,
you'll see Western Ireland.

On your right, you'll see Kathy Ireland.

Hi, everyone!

I'm finally back.

The days I spent in O'Flanagan's Pub
were the happiest ones of my life.

We drink all day
With all our guilt

We never got *
'Cos we don't wear a kilt

We toss our darts
With a beer in our hand

We boil our food
'Til it tastes really bad

This is the life in Ireland

Ireland

Oh, this is the life in Ireland

Dunkilderry is so quaint. It looks like
the puzzle at the pediatrician's office.

Get ready to step back to a simpler age

filled with tweet calves,
cheerful sheep and unending troubles.

What the--

Upscale boutiques?

Lephrecauns!

...Plasma screen TV.

...Tuscany.

Well Ireland is at the forefront
of Europe's tech boom.

In your face, Belgium!

Bart, if you hate Belgium so much,
maybe I should take your Tintins away!

No, I'll be good!

But my favorite pub is still there.

This isn't the way I remember it!

Where's the customers? Where's the singing?

Where's twenty-year-old me?

Run! Run you big sack of glue!

Tom O'Flanagan?

Quiet! They're in the home stretch now.

Come on, come on. Move your fetlocks!

Dammit! Will you ever win this race?

This broadcast is from 1979.

Yes, I'm just an old man
yelling at me tapes.

I've got lots of time for that now.
No one comes into me bar anymore.

It's been years since
I've sold so much as a "pint."

Don't you mean pint?

It's been so long,
I've forgotten how to say it!

It's a joke to even call
this place a "pube."

What happened, Tom?

Everyone got jobs. That's what happened.

Sir, I brought my father thousands
of miles just to drink at your bar.

Do you mean it? Look, don't toy
with an old man's heart, now.

Give me a beer and a shot of whiskey.

I'll have one drink,
one cocktail and one booze, please.

While your father and your grandfather
have a drink, we're gonna see sites.

Hey, I just spent ten hours on a plane.
I'm staying in here.

They've got German Krusty on TV!

Such a beautiful language.

That's not how a family vacation works!

We do things together while
your father has fun without us.

All right, Tom. Poor me a drink.

We have this delicious Australian shiraz.

An Irish drink!

Oh, fine. Here's some Bushmills whiskey,
served in a potato, floating in a Guinness stout.

Why, you-- I said an Irish drink!

That's better!

"The Giant's Causeway
is a result of a volcanic eruption."

Well, kids.
Isn't that an informational fact?

Kids?

Come back here!

Guinness has been brewed since 1759.

Who would like to know our secret recipe?

I'm not going to tell you.

Sure, if I did, it wouldn't be a secret.

That concludes our tour.

Well. You may know the ingredients,
but you don't know the ratio.

50-50?

At Nick Ellis Island, returning immigrants

who are sick of America
are processed by Irish authorities.

Name.

Frank Smith.

From now on, you're Francis *. Next.

Bill Jones. Seamus Fitzpatrick. Next.

You're Liam Fitzpatrick,
and you're brothers with him.

I said you're brothers!
I didn't say you got along!

They say if you kiss the Blarney Stone,
you get the gift of gab.

Which is great. But I'm not sure I like

the idea of getting
a gift in return for kissing.

What kind of a message
is that for Lisa and Maggie?

Those are my daughters.

But on the other hand, America doesn't
have any stones worth kissing.

Except for Stone Phillips.
Do you have one of him here?

If so, he's our your him.

K-I-S-S M-Y A-S-S spells kiss my ass.

Fresh!

I'm gonna carve me initials in it!

Har, har!

This is the life in Ireland

You okay, Dad?

I just had a nightmare!
That I was back with your mother!

Oh, how I miss her.

Ah, there they are.

Duncle Deli's newest haven keepers.

Last night, you said you never
wanted to leave this pub.

So, you bought it from me.

We what?

All these pictures tell no lies.

There's you meeting with the loan officer,
and the title insurance company.

Here's me replacing the window sashes

that had the termite damage
as per the escrow agreement.

I have to say, for blind drunks,

you had a excellent knowledge
of Irish real estate law.

We bought this dump?

You most certainly did.

What the--

So long, suckers!

Well, Dad. Was there anything on your
list about being cheated by an Irishman?

First one from the bottom.

D'oh!

That takes care of my next one.

Never heard of half this stuff.

This brandy is fifty years old!

Better toss it.

Hey, boy-o! How 'bout a tall cool one?

How 'bout you, green sleeves?

Irishmen love to get drunk.

- I'm in AA.
- Who are you? Stuttering Fonzie?

What about you, bicycle pants?

I'm late for a teleconference
in Hong Kong, you fat gob!

Our first sale.

Our first refund.

Find any customers?

Yeah! Look at them crowding the bar.

There's Sully and Mac, Jimmy D and Jimmy B.

What can I get you boys? The usual?

We are so screwed.

Oh, it must be Bloomsday!

Huh?

Every June 16th, lovers of
James Joyce follow the route

travelled by the Leopold Bloom
in the novel Ulysses.

Let me make a note of that.

What you're saying is,
we've run out of fun things to do.

Pretty much, yep.

There's always something to do in Ireland.

I'm trying to will back a girl
that I met in a music shop.

Watch this, kids.

I don't know you
But I want you

All the mo--

Leave me alone! I have a husband!

And quit sending her pianos!

Ireland doesn't like pubs anymore.

It's as if Danish people stopped
liking sleek modern design.

Bite your tongue!
That will never ever happen!

Well, we need help!

Someone who can make money with a bar
that has no customers and zero charm.

Moe! You shipped yourself here?

No. It's how you fly coach on Delta now.

Moe, something terrible has happened.

The Irish have become
hard-working and sober!

Here's how you turn this place around.

I let people do things in my bar
they can't do nowhere else.

You wanna drink on a Sunday morning,
no problem.

You wanna slow dance with a goat,

I'll be doing a lot of things,
but judging ain't one of them.

Are you saying we should break the law?

The law? That jerk!

What can't people do in modern Ireland?

Well, they're certainly liberal
when it comes to romance.

Sorry, but smoking in pubs
ain't part of the new Ireland.

Also, you can't text while driving.

What has happened to the ways of old?

People can't smoke indoors in Ireland!

Then you let them. Open a smokeasy.

Gentlemen, we have a lot of work to do.

Moe, you were right!

Thanks. Now I'm gonna look for my
grandfather based on this childhood photo.

All I remember about him is he
was part of a complete breakfast.

The day they banned smoking
from pubs, a little bit of Ireland died.

But thanks to these two sweet Yanks,
our lungs are black with joy.

To Homer and his da!

Homer and his da!

Well, Da. It looks like
all your "dur" have come "ter."

My son's first stroke!

Look at all this Euro dough.
These shamrock sure love their tobaccy.

So, it's a smokeasy you're running, then.

So, it's escaping you're thinking of, then.

I can't tell if those
are questions or statements.

So, it's our syntax
you're criticizing, then.

Close her down, boys.

Throw them in the potty wagon.

I mean the us wagon.

Son, this was all my fault. You were
just trying to make an old man happy.

Don't worry, Dad. We'll get out.

America is the New York Yankees
of countries.

Powerful and respected until the year 2000.

Oh, Son. You know how I love a good analogy.

It was apt.

Let me say, I've always admired the Irish.

Knute Rockne, Larry Bird
and especially Mr. Potato Head.

Go on.

But I ask you.
Who does smoking actually hurt?

Except the smokers, those around them,
and the unborn children

of the pregnant women we let in free
on "expecting mothers drink free" night.

So I hope you'll forgive
two well-meaning Americans

for trying to take Ireland back
to the good old days of Angela's Ashes.

Thank you.

That was absolutely terrible.
But fortunately for you,

the policemen fear offences.
Deportation and a small fine.

Thank you, your honor.

And may I say,
I'm glad I could see Ireland again.

Even if it isn't what I remembered.

It got a lot nicer since we sent
all our incompetent half-wits to America.

Where you, for some reason,
made them police officers.

Top of the morning to you.

Chief Clancy Wiggum here to pick up
the Simpsons and take them back to the--

Oh, Jesus.

Better put a little ouchy spray on it.

Boy! I better call for some backup.

This is unit 19--