The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 20, Episode 13 - Gone Maggie Gone - full transcript
In order to rescue Maggie from a Catholic orphanage, Lisa must solve a series of puzzles to reveal the identity of a gem that will bring peace to Springfield.
(SlNGlNG) The Simpsons
D'oh!
(BRAKES SCREECHlNG)
(SCREAMS)
(ALL GRUNT)
NARRA TOR: For centuries,
man has been ruled
by science and industry.
But that era is drawing to a close.
We stand on the cusp of a new epoch,
one ofprophecy, puzzles
and signs in the sky.
And that epoch begins today.
Our top story,
today Springfield will experience
a rare total eclipse of the sun.
A solar eclipse is like a woman
breastfeeding in a restaurant.
It's free, it's beautiful, but under
no circumstances should you look at it.
We recommend using
a homemade camera obscura
fashioned from an ordinary shoebox
and paper towel tube.
This was supposed to be pre-made.
Fine, I'll do it myself!
Where's the end of the frigging tape?
Forget it! We'll do it next week!
PRODUCER: The eclipse is today.
There's an eclipse
when I say there's an eclipse!
(ALL SCREAMlNG)
(SCREAMS)
(SlGHS lN RELlEF)
Okay, people, we've hit penumbra.
Brace yourselves for umbra.
-I'm gonna see it first.
-No! I'm gonna see it first.
Hit the road, you big load!
(HOMER GRUNTS)
My space toy!
It's okay, Homie. You can have my viewer.
But, Mom, you'll miss the eclipse.
There'll be another one
in North Yemen in 2027.
We have totality, people.
BART, HOMER AND LlSA: Wow!
We'll be talking about this
together for years.
BART: For years!
LlSA: For years!
HOMER: I finally feel like part of a family.
Oh! I can't miss out. Just one little peek.
(GASPS)
It's beautiful.
(SCREAMlNG)
Now, Marge, your eyes must stay
completely covered for two full weeks.
Don't worry, honey.
I'll be your seeing-eye Homer.
We're in some kind of doctor room.
Bunch of stuff on the walls.
It's kind of hard to describe.
I'm gonna take my break now.
Now, Simpsons, I must warn you,
any stress could increase
the blood pressure in Marge's eyeballs,
leading to what we call
Tex Avery Syndrome.
(MUSlC PLA YlNG ON TV)
Wolves are taking all our women.
(BART HUMMlNG)
(SNlFFS)
You guys have treated me like a princess.
Every day's been like
the first 10 minutes of Mother's Day.
You just rest those rods
and coddle those cones.
-Everything's taken care of.
-Aw...
Dad, come in the kitchen, quick!
Is there any other way to enter a kitchen?
(SQUEAKlNG)
Aw... Rats in the kitchen,
just like that delightful movie
I taped in the theater.
(HOMER CHUCKLES)
Ooh!
(LAUGHS)
He's controlling me with my hair,
using me to cook a delicious
sole meuni?re with a celery root pur?e
and carrots Vichy.
Mmm. This is good.
Good but not great.
I'll go get some rat poison.
(GRUNTlNG)
(TOY SQUEAKlNG)
There you go. This'll kill those dirty rats
and the clean ones, too.
(EXCLAlMlNG EXClTEDLY)
That's not candy, sweetheart.
What is it with kids
and candy-colored poison, huh?
(CLERK CHUCKLES)
(MAGGlE FUSSlNG)
(SANTA'S LlTTLE HELPER GROWLlNG)
No, you stupid dog!
That's Maggie's bunny!
Not in front of the poison man!
Whoever is biting me, stop it!
(TlRES SCREECHlNG)
(HOMER GRUNTlNG lN FRUSTRATlON)
(SCREAMS)
Why did I bring the baby
and the dog to the poison store?
Oh, how am I gonna get us all
across this river?
(GASPS) A boat!
We're too heavy.
Let's see. I need to get the baby, the dog,
and the poison across the river,
but I can only take one thing at a time.
I can't leave the baby
alone with the poison.
And I can't leave the dog
alone with the baby.
Can't someone help me with this puzzle?
(HUMMlNG)
Professor Frink, help me figure this out!
Yo! Over here!
What?
(GAGS)
(GlBBERS)
(MOANS)
Great time to nap, Einstein!
Okay. Maggie, dog, poison,
you're all involved, so listen up.
First, I row Maggie over,
leaving the dog and the poison.
Then I row back alone,
take the poison over
and bring Maggie back.
Then I take the dog over, come back,
get Maggie, row across,
and before I know it, I'm back at home.
(EXCLAlMS)
Were you listening at all?
(SANTA'S LlTTLE HELPER WHlNES)
CLETUS: Sir?
I'd be obliged to you
if you'd help me puzzle out
my fox, duck and corn situation.
(DUCK QUACKlNG)
Well, the puzzle done puzzled itself out.
Now I need to leave you
where you'll be safe,
under the watchful eyes of God.
And I'll be watching you, too,
in case God's busy making tornadoes
or not existing.
I see you!
I see you!
(EXCLAlMS)
(lN lRlSH ACCENT) Look at that.
One of God's discarded miracles.
(SCREAMS)
Catholics!
Give me my baby back!
Sir, our mission is quite clear.
(MOTHER SUPERlOR READlNG)
Why would you leave
such a beautiful baby on our doorstep?
Because she was fighting my dog
and stealing my poison.
Now give her back so I can
take her home to my rat-infested house.
No.
The poor dear is right where she belongs.
Come on, lady. Have a heart!
I'm sure your husband
does stupid things sometimes.
-I'm married to Jesus!
-Yeah, right.
And I'm married to Wonder Woman.
(EXCLAlMS)
Kids, I have to tell your mom I lost Maggie.
But Dr. Hibbert said not to stress her out.
Wait! I have an idea.
One of us can go undercover as a nun
and infiltrate the convent.
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no!
There is no way Homer Simpson's gonna
put on a dress and act like a nun.
Told you there was no way I would do it.
Are you sure you don't want me to do it?
Because I can do it!
I got the outfit right here. Huh?
Dad, leave, so I can get into character.
(HOMER MURMURS ANGRlLY)
Mmm-hmm.
Hello.
I'm a poor little sinner who's lost her way.
May I join your order?
-How do you feel about kneeling?
-Can't get enough.
You're in.
Finally, you must wear your habit
modestly at all times,
not like Sister Marilyn.
Ooh!
(GASPS) The nursery!
(SlNGlNG) lfyou're happy and you know it
That's a sin
Ifyou're happy and you know it
That's a sin
Where's Maggie?
Mother Superior, are those
all the babies in our orphanage?
Looking for more unwanted babies,
are you?
Well, next week's nine months
after the prom.
They'll be stacked up to the ceiling.
No. I was just thinking you might
have some in the back
you haven't put out yet.
Oh, a doubting Thomas, are you?
Well, more of a Curious George.
Well, little monkey,
it's time for you to spend some time
with the Man in the Yellow Hat.
Why would Mother Superior lie to me
about not having Maggie?
What is going on?
(GASPS)
A jewel. Why would nuns want a jewel?
Find the jewel, find what you desire.
The jewel will lead me to my baby sister?
Why are you telling me this?
Because I'm sick of that Mother Superior.
Whenever we play football,
she has to be quarterback.
Now you must solve a series of clues.
You mean an increasingly difficult
series of challenges to my intellect?
That's so cool.
-Plus, you find your sister.
-Oh, sure.
Your first clue.
And before you decide to become a nun,
consider this.
I am only 23.
(LAUGHlNG WlCKEDLY)
Hmm.
(READlNG lN LATlN)
That's Latin. "Deum "is God.
And of course "quaerite"means seek.
"Seek God with heart and soul."
Heart and Soul!
(PLAYlNG HEART AND SOUL)
(SlNGlNG) I fell in love with you
Heart and soul
(TRlUMPHANT MUSlC PLAYS)
(TRAlN WHlSTLE BLOWS)
Homie, I haven't held Maggie all day.
Can you hand her to me?
No problem, sweetie.
Ooh! Mommy's little baby is getting
big and chubby.
Who's a chubby baby?
But that doesn't mean
that you can't have a little dinner.
Hmm. You're not usually this greedy.
(lN LOW VOlCE) Cool it.
She's getting suspicious.
(lN DlFFERENT VOlCE) You cool it!
I'm hungry!
Cryptic message.
Maybe this will lead me to the gem.
Hmm. What if I read every other word?
(READlNG)
That's not very nice. I will try again
but not because the wall told me to.
(READlNG)
(GASPS)
Big ring.
Big ring.
So many rings.
But which one is the key
to finding the gem?
Well, did you get it?
No. I'm not a smart nerd.
I'm just a weak nerd.
The biggest ring in Springfield
comes from the bell
in the Springfield bell tower!
Oh.
Oh!
Good night, Bart.
I'll be right in, Lisa!
(GRUNTS)
Good night, Lisa.
Good night.
(PLAYlNG POORLY)
Ooh! Jazz.
Keep going and I'll scat.
(SCATTlNG)
(LlSA EXCLAlMS)
Principal Skinner? Comic Book Guy?
What are you doing here?
Following you.
We seek the gem of St. Teresa.
Oh. Well, I seek it so I can find my sister.
How do you know about the gem?
We are an ancient order of mystery buffs
who hide in shadow and call ourselves
The Brethren of the Quest.
Because we do our sleuthing
in Mother's Nissan Quest minivan.
-Tell me all you know about the gem.
-Never!
Does your mother know
you're using her minivan?
You see, legend has it that
on her deathbed, St. Teresa of Avila
had a vision of a jewel that would
usher in an era of peace and harmony.
She dispatched a team ofnuns
to the New World
to seek this fabulous gem.
They landed at what is now Philadelphia,
(PHlLLlE PHANATlC HONKlNG NOSE)
and used the timbers of their ship
to construct a convent.
The order flourished,
never forgetting its sacred mission.
But word about the gem got out,
and a group of high-ranking Freemasons
led by Benjamin Franklin,
George Washington, and King George lll
staged a phony war of independence
to cover their search for the gem.
(EXCLAlMS)
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)
(BOTH GROWLlNG ANGRlLY)
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)
Fleeing the violence,
the nuns of St. Teresa 's left the colonies
and settled here in Springfield.
Legend and Wikipedia have it
that the gem will be revealed during
the first full moon after a solar eclipse.
That's tonight!
(EXCLAlMS MOCKlNGLY)
One question remains.
Why did you come here?
Because I cleverly deduced the answer
to Springfield's biggest ring.
(EXCLAlMS lN FRENCH)
Well, it gives me no pleasure to say
your deduction was faulty!
This is a fake, papier-m?ch? bell.
The real bell was melted down
in World War ll
to make Civil War chess sets,
four of which I own.
Oh, my God!
I know what the biggest ring
in Springfield is!
It's been right in front of us
the whole time.
-Ah. Ah, yes. I see it.
-I see it, too. Let's head that way.
We'll walk or drive to the obvious solution.
Oh, the word "ring"!
(LlSA AND JEFF SNlCKER)
(DOGS PANTlNG)
Well, well, if it isn't the Tardy Boys
and Nancy Clueless.
Mr. Burns? What are you doing here?
I've known about the gem for years.
You see, my dear girl, I joined
the Freemasons before it was trendy.
That's my eyeball on the dollar bill.
That's also my pyramid.
Hence, I trailed you on your quest,
accompanied by my faithful albino.
I keep telling you, I'm not an albino!
I just use a lot of sun block.
Then why do I give you
all the albino holidays off? Hmm? Hmm?
Look! There's writing on the "R."
Everything is writing to you young people.
From this angle they're words.
(LlSA READlNG)
Great crimes kill holy sage?
The puzzle is solved.
We must warn the holy sage at once!
No! That's not it.
A secret message this awkwardly
worded is always an anagram.
Fine. Then you unscramble those letters
to spell out the location of the gem
while you two dig your own graves.
(GRUNTS)
Superman, I have believed in you
for years.
If you can hear me now,
please come help me dig this giant grave.
So the anagram spells...
(LlSA READlNG)
So the gem is inside you?
Sir, stop. She is the gem.
(GASPS) Of course. St. Teresa wouldn't
be interested in a mere bauble.
Her greatest treasure would be
a pure young girl.
You are pure, aren't you?
-Does kissing Milhouse count?
-No.
-No.
-No.
It all adds up.
I am the gem that will bring world peace.
How brilliant of God to remove my
skepticism by making me his chosen one!
According to legend, the gem must be
brought to the convent by sunrise.
We could make it if we took
Mr. Burns' helicopter.
Hmm. I don't really want you people inside.
But you could dangle from the skids.
Deal.
It feels good to help someone,
doesn't it, sir?
No. It feels weird.
(JEFF GRUNTS)
(ALL SlNGlNG O FORTUNA)
Look who's here!
(ALL CONTlNUE SlNGlNG)
Fine, fine. Finish your song.
I can be patient.
-After all, I am the Gem Child.
-Hush, you foolish girl!
The gem is over there.
Maggie? No, no, no. The solution was,
"Regally, the rock gem is Lisa."
Oh, please. How many sentences start
with the word "regally"?
This one.
Oh, give me that!
LlSA: "It's really Maggie, Sherlock."
You know, I have to point out that this
only makes sense,
if I get the wrong answer first.
I said hush!
Now begins a new era
of peace and prosperity for Springfield.
(ALL GASP)
Come on, man!
That's the fifth call you've missed today!
That's it! You're out of...
Just set it to massage.
(EXCLAlMS lN PLEASURE)
Something tells me the Gem of St. Teresa
has been returned to its throne.
(GASPS)
Maggie, it's true! You are the Gem Child!
Four centuries of patient sacrifice
has finally paid off.
All is peace and harmony.
Give me my baby back!
Mom, how did you know Maggie was here?
A mother knows!
(MARGE MURMURS WORRlEDLY)
Maggie, you're coming home with me.
Mom, wait! Maggie is the Gem Child!
She's brought peace to our town
and reports of less road rage
in Shelbyville.
She has to stay here.
Well, it would be nice if the first thing
I saw was a world at peace.
(GURGLES)
You're even more beautiful
than I remembered.
I'm sorry.
But I know God would never ask
a mother to sacrifice her child
for the good of the world
again.
(MARGE MURMURS WORRlEDLY)
Maybe I'm just being selfish. I don't know.
No, Marge.
You're the most giving person I know.
Besides, I gave them another Gem Child
to sit on their precious throne.
Step aside, ladies. I'm bringing the peace.
(ALL GASP)
(ALL SCREAMlNG)
(CHUCKLES) I am so staying up
past my bedtime.
English - US - SDH
D'oh!
(BRAKES SCREECHlNG)
(SCREAMS)
(ALL GRUNT)
NARRA TOR: For centuries,
man has been ruled
by science and industry.
But that era is drawing to a close.
We stand on the cusp of a new epoch,
one ofprophecy, puzzles
and signs in the sky.
And that epoch begins today.
Our top story,
today Springfield will experience
a rare total eclipse of the sun.
A solar eclipse is like a woman
breastfeeding in a restaurant.
It's free, it's beautiful, but under
no circumstances should you look at it.
We recommend using
a homemade camera obscura
fashioned from an ordinary shoebox
and paper towel tube.
This was supposed to be pre-made.
Fine, I'll do it myself!
Where's the end of the frigging tape?
Forget it! We'll do it next week!
PRODUCER: The eclipse is today.
There's an eclipse
when I say there's an eclipse!
(ALL SCREAMlNG)
(SCREAMS)
(SlGHS lN RELlEF)
Okay, people, we've hit penumbra.
Brace yourselves for umbra.
-I'm gonna see it first.
-No! I'm gonna see it first.
Hit the road, you big load!
(HOMER GRUNTS)
My space toy!
It's okay, Homie. You can have my viewer.
But, Mom, you'll miss the eclipse.
There'll be another one
in North Yemen in 2027.
We have totality, people.
BART, HOMER AND LlSA: Wow!
We'll be talking about this
together for years.
BART: For years!
LlSA: For years!
HOMER: I finally feel like part of a family.
Oh! I can't miss out. Just one little peek.
(GASPS)
It's beautiful.
(SCREAMlNG)
Now, Marge, your eyes must stay
completely covered for two full weeks.
Don't worry, honey.
I'll be your seeing-eye Homer.
We're in some kind of doctor room.
Bunch of stuff on the walls.
It's kind of hard to describe.
I'm gonna take my break now.
Now, Simpsons, I must warn you,
any stress could increase
the blood pressure in Marge's eyeballs,
leading to what we call
Tex Avery Syndrome.
(MUSlC PLA YlNG ON TV)
Wolves are taking all our women.
(BART HUMMlNG)
(SNlFFS)
You guys have treated me like a princess.
Every day's been like
the first 10 minutes of Mother's Day.
You just rest those rods
and coddle those cones.
-Everything's taken care of.
-Aw...
Dad, come in the kitchen, quick!
Is there any other way to enter a kitchen?
(SQUEAKlNG)
Aw... Rats in the kitchen,
just like that delightful movie
I taped in the theater.
(HOMER CHUCKLES)
Ooh!
(LAUGHS)
He's controlling me with my hair,
using me to cook a delicious
sole meuni?re with a celery root pur?e
and carrots Vichy.
Mmm. This is good.
Good but not great.
I'll go get some rat poison.
(GRUNTlNG)
(TOY SQUEAKlNG)
There you go. This'll kill those dirty rats
and the clean ones, too.
(EXCLAlMlNG EXClTEDLY)
That's not candy, sweetheart.
What is it with kids
and candy-colored poison, huh?
(CLERK CHUCKLES)
(MAGGlE FUSSlNG)
(SANTA'S LlTTLE HELPER GROWLlNG)
No, you stupid dog!
That's Maggie's bunny!
Not in front of the poison man!
Whoever is biting me, stop it!
(TlRES SCREECHlNG)
(HOMER GRUNTlNG lN FRUSTRATlON)
(SCREAMS)
Why did I bring the baby
and the dog to the poison store?
Oh, how am I gonna get us all
across this river?
(GASPS) A boat!
We're too heavy.
Let's see. I need to get the baby, the dog,
and the poison across the river,
but I can only take one thing at a time.
I can't leave the baby
alone with the poison.
And I can't leave the dog
alone with the baby.
Can't someone help me with this puzzle?
(HUMMlNG)
Professor Frink, help me figure this out!
Yo! Over here!
What?
(GAGS)
(GlBBERS)
(MOANS)
Great time to nap, Einstein!
Okay. Maggie, dog, poison,
you're all involved, so listen up.
First, I row Maggie over,
leaving the dog and the poison.
Then I row back alone,
take the poison over
and bring Maggie back.
Then I take the dog over, come back,
get Maggie, row across,
and before I know it, I'm back at home.
(EXCLAlMS)
Were you listening at all?
(SANTA'S LlTTLE HELPER WHlNES)
CLETUS: Sir?
I'd be obliged to you
if you'd help me puzzle out
my fox, duck and corn situation.
(DUCK QUACKlNG)
Well, the puzzle done puzzled itself out.
Now I need to leave you
where you'll be safe,
under the watchful eyes of God.
And I'll be watching you, too,
in case God's busy making tornadoes
or not existing.
I see you!
I see you!
(EXCLAlMS)
(lN lRlSH ACCENT) Look at that.
One of God's discarded miracles.
(SCREAMS)
Catholics!
Give me my baby back!
Sir, our mission is quite clear.
(MOTHER SUPERlOR READlNG)
Why would you leave
such a beautiful baby on our doorstep?
Because she was fighting my dog
and stealing my poison.
Now give her back so I can
take her home to my rat-infested house.
No.
The poor dear is right where she belongs.
Come on, lady. Have a heart!
I'm sure your husband
does stupid things sometimes.
-I'm married to Jesus!
-Yeah, right.
And I'm married to Wonder Woman.
(EXCLAlMS)
Kids, I have to tell your mom I lost Maggie.
But Dr. Hibbert said not to stress her out.
Wait! I have an idea.
One of us can go undercover as a nun
and infiltrate the convent.
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no!
There is no way Homer Simpson's gonna
put on a dress and act like a nun.
Told you there was no way I would do it.
Are you sure you don't want me to do it?
Because I can do it!
I got the outfit right here. Huh?
Dad, leave, so I can get into character.
(HOMER MURMURS ANGRlLY)
Mmm-hmm.
Hello.
I'm a poor little sinner who's lost her way.
May I join your order?
-How do you feel about kneeling?
-Can't get enough.
You're in.
Finally, you must wear your habit
modestly at all times,
not like Sister Marilyn.
Ooh!
(GASPS) The nursery!
(SlNGlNG) lfyou're happy and you know it
That's a sin
Ifyou're happy and you know it
That's a sin
Where's Maggie?
Mother Superior, are those
all the babies in our orphanage?
Looking for more unwanted babies,
are you?
Well, next week's nine months
after the prom.
They'll be stacked up to the ceiling.
No. I was just thinking you might
have some in the back
you haven't put out yet.
Oh, a doubting Thomas, are you?
Well, more of a Curious George.
Well, little monkey,
it's time for you to spend some time
with the Man in the Yellow Hat.
Why would Mother Superior lie to me
about not having Maggie?
What is going on?
(GASPS)
A jewel. Why would nuns want a jewel?
Find the jewel, find what you desire.
The jewel will lead me to my baby sister?
Why are you telling me this?
Because I'm sick of that Mother Superior.
Whenever we play football,
she has to be quarterback.
Now you must solve a series of clues.
You mean an increasingly difficult
series of challenges to my intellect?
That's so cool.
-Plus, you find your sister.
-Oh, sure.
Your first clue.
And before you decide to become a nun,
consider this.
I am only 23.
(LAUGHlNG WlCKEDLY)
Hmm.
(READlNG lN LATlN)
That's Latin. "Deum "is God.
And of course "quaerite"means seek.
"Seek God with heart and soul."
Heart and Soul!
(PLAYlNG HEART AND SOUL)
(SlNGlNG) I fell in love with you
Heart and soul
(TRlUMPHANT MUSlC PLAYS)
(TRAlN WHlSTLE BLOWS)
Homie, I haven't held Maggie all day.
Can you hand her to me?
No problem, sweetie.
Ooh! Mommy's little baby is getting
big and chubby.
Who's a chubby baby?
But that doesn't mean
that you can't have a little dinner.
Hmm. You're not usually this greedy.
(lN LOW VOlCE) Cool it.
She's getting suspicious.
(lN DlFFERENT VOlCE) You cool it!
I'm hungry!
Cryptic message.
Maybe this will lead me to the gem.
Hmm. What if I read every other word?
(READlNG)
That's not very nice. I will try again
but not because the wall told me to.
(READlNG)
(GASPS)
Big ring.
Big ring.
So many rings.
But which one is the key
to finding the gem?
Well, did you get it?
No. I'm not a smart nerd.
I'm just a weak nerd.
The biggest ring in Springfield
comes from the bell
in the Springfield bell tower!
Oh.
Oh!
Good night, Bart.
I'll be right in, Lisa!
(GRUNTS)
Good night, Lisa.
Good night.
(PLAYlNG POORLY)
Ooh! Jazz.
Keep going and I'll scat.
(SCATTlNG)
(LlSA EXCLAlMS)
Principal Skinner? Comic Book Guy?
What are you doing here?
Following you.
We seek the gem of St. Teresa.
Oh. Well, I seek it so I can find my sister.
How do you know about the gem?
We are an ancient order of mystery buffs
who hide in shadow and call ourselves
The Brethren of the Quest.
Because we do our sleuthing
in Mother's Nissan Quest minivan.
-Tell me all you know about the gem.
-Never!
Does your mother know
you're using her minivan?
You see, legend has it that
on her deathbed, St. Teresa of Avila
had a vision of a jewel that would
usher in an era of peace and harmony.
She dispatched a team ofnuns
to the New World
to seek this fabulous gem.
They landed at what is now Philadelphia,
(PHlLLlE PHANATlC HONKlNG NOSE)
and used the timbers of their ship
to construct a convent.
The order flourished,
never forgetting its sacred mission.
But word about the gem got out,
and a group of high-ranking Freemasons
led by Benjamin Franklin,
George Washington, and King George lll
staged a phony war of independence
to cover their search for the gem.
(EXCLAlMS)
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)
(BOTH GROWLlNG ANGRlLY)
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)
Fleeing the violence,
the nuns of St. Teresa 's left the colonies
and settled here in Springfield.
Legend and Wikipedia have it
that the gem will be revealed during
the first full moon after a solar eclipse.
That's tonight!
(EXCLAlMS MOCKlNGLY)
One question remains.
Why did you come here?
Because I cleverly deduced the answer
to Springfield's biggest ring.
(EXCLAlMS lN FRENCH)
Well, it gives me no pleasure to say
your deduction was faulty!
This is a fake, papier-m?ch? bell.
The real bell was melted down
in World War ll
to make Civil War chess sets,
four of which I own.
Oh, my God!
I know what the biggest ring
in Springfield is!
It's been right in front of us
the whole time.
-Ah. Ah, yes. I see it.
-I see it, too. Let's head that way.
We'll walk or drive to the obvious solution.
Oh, the word "ring"!
(LlSA AND JEFF SNlCKER)
(DOGS PANTlNG)
Well, well, if it isn't the Tardy Boys
and Nancy Clueless.
Mr. Burns? What are you doing here?
I've known about the gem for years.
You see, my dear girl, I joined
the Freemasons before it was trendy.
That's my eyeball on the dollar bill.
That's also my pyramid.
Hence, I trailed you on your quest,
accompanied by my faithful albino.
I keep telling you, I'm not an albino!
I just use a lot of sun block.
Then why do I give you
all the albino holidays off? Hmm? Hmm?
Look! There's writing on the "R."
Everything is writing to you young people.
From this angle they're words.
(LlSA READlNG)
Great crimes kill holy sage?
The puzzle is solved.
We must warn the holy sage at once!
No! That's not it.
A secret message this awkwardly
worded is always an anagram.
Fine. Then you unscramble those letters
to spell out the location of the gem
while you two dig your own graves.
(GRUNTS)
Superman, I have believed in you
for years.
If you can hear me now,
please come help me dig this giant grave.
So the anagram spells...
(LlSA READlNG)
So the gem is inside you?
Sir, stop. She is the gem.
(GASPS) Of course. St. Teresa wouldn't
be interested in a mere bauble.
Her greatest treasure would be
a pure young girl.
You are pure, aren't you?
-Does kissing Milhouse count?
-No.
-No.
-No.
It all adds up.
I am the gem that will bring world peace.
How brilliant of God to remove my
skepticism by making me his chosen one!
According to legend, the gem must be
brought to the convent by sunrise.
We could make it if we took
Mr. Burns' helicopter.
Hmm. I don't really want you people inside.
But you could dangle from the skids.
Deal.
It feels good to help someone,
doesn't it, sir?
No. It feels weird.
(JEFF GRUNTS)
(ALL SlNGlNG O FORTUNA)
Look who's here!
(ALL CONTlNUE SlNGlNG)
Fine, fine. Finish your song.
I can be patient.
-After all, I am the Gem Child.
-Hush, you foolish girl!
The gem is over there.
Maggie? No, no, no. The solution was,
"Regally, the rock gem is Lisa."
Oh, please. How many sentences start
with the word "regally"?
This one.
Oh, give me that!
LlSA: "It's really Maggie, Sherlock."
You know, I have to point out that this
only makes sense,
if I get the wrong answer first.
I said hush!
Now begins a new era
of peace and prosperity for Springfield.
(ALL GASP)
Come on, man!
That's the fifth call you've missed today!
That's it! You're out of...
Just set it to massage.
(EXCLAlMS lN PLEASURE)
Something tells me the Gem of St. Teresa
has been returned to its throne.
(GASPS)
Maggie, it's true! You are the Gem Child!
Four centuries of patient sacrifice
has finally paid off.
All is peace and harmony.
Give me my baby back!
Mom, how did you know Maggie was here?
A mother knows!
(MARGE MURMURS WORRlEDLY)
Maggie, you're coming home with me.
Mom, wait! Maggie is the Gem Child!
She's brought peace to our town
and reports of less road rage
in Shelbyville.
She has to stay here.
Well, it would be nice if the first thing
I saw was a world at peace.
(GURGLES)
You're even more beautiful
than I remembered.
I'm sorry.
But I know God would never ask
a mother to sacrifice her child
for the good of the world
again.
(MARGE MURMURS WORRlEDLY)
Maybe I'm just being selfish. I don't know.
No, Marge.
You're the most giving person I know.
Besides, I gave them another Gem Child
to sit on their precious throne.
Step aside, ladies. I'm bringing the peace.
(ALL GASP)
(ALL SCREAMlNG)
(CHUCKLES) I am so staying up
past my bedtime.
English - US - SDH