The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 20, Episode 16 - Eeny Teeny Maya Moe - full transcript
Moe begins dating a little person he met on the Internet, while Maggie is being bullied at the playground next to Moe's where Homer is leaving her.
You hate to see this.
I love to see this!
- Now the other players are joing in.
- Someone could lose a tooth!
This is no time to pat the bunny.
Daddy's watching
a very important Mid-Atlantic
Hockey League Conference
Semifinal do-over game.
As we enter the seventh
amazing overtime,
the members
of the same Street on Ice
wait impatiently
to begin their matinee performance.
Hold the Black Label, Mabel!
The Utica Mohawks', Pete Mavroudis,
has broken through the "topes" defense!
Stop him, Babando!
He winds up for the shot,
and Delacroix slides in front!
You're supposed to be spending time
with your daughter.
I will when it's not sports season.
I just want to know
how the game ends.
And this game is over!
Unbelievable!
You'll never see
anything like that again!
So that will do it
from Wayne Bockhorn,
Jean-Pierre P?tomane,
and me, Doc Jacques Lalonde,
here at Utica's Kill-Kwik
Rat Poison Arena.
What was the score?
Stay tuned
for picking the Perfect Apple,
it's already in progress.
The score, damn you!
Once again, today's final score...
is already in the books.
Good night!
I will never know the score!
You want to know the score?
I'll tell you the score.
This is a definite high point
for our marriage.
Here's the score...
Your daughter barely knows
who you are!
That's ridiculous.
Who's your daddy, Maggie?
Who's your daddy?
He is pretty good with her.
Look, it's just what you want!
Me spending the day with Muggsy.
Marge, you're not naggy.
You just set the bar
impossibly high.
Bring a sweater for Maggie,
at least.
Impossibly high.
Now, let's get started
on the greatest daddy-daughter day ever!
Not even heated up.
Typical dog.
This is it, Maggie...
the place where Daddy goes
every morning.
Now, you learn your numbers
from these billiard balls
while Daddy gets happier and happier
and then sadder and sadder.
- Moe, what are you doing?
- I'm spiffing up the place.
Jeez, can't a guy clean his bar
for the first time ever
without people
making polite inquiries?
I got a window, here.
Maggie could play out there,
while I watch her from in here.
What do you say?
Her first enabling.
Hi, Maggie!
- Up here, beautiful!
- Yo, Mags!
It's me!
Uncle Barney!
Remember I taught you your Abcs.
A- B... P-K...
R...
So, I suppose you guys
are still wondering
why I'm cleaning the bar.
Maggie, look-look at my face.
It all began about a month ago...
It was a typical Friday night:
me surfing the Net
at the public library,
with occasional drinking fountain
breaks.
Just how I like it: warm and rusty.
Awesome. I finally found an intelligent,
sophisticated woman
who hadn't heard any of my jokes.
"Orange who?"
All right, Moe,
give her the punch line nice and easy.
"Orange you glad,
I didn't say bana?"
The gargoyle has landed!
"You're funny".
Very nice.
Now, how can I put this?
"Are you sure you're not actually
some creepy guy
in a public library?"
"No. How about you?"
"Actually, there is a much creepier guy
right next to me."
You know I'm a woman.
We used to own a cat together!
She had babies!
Here's yours!
I would do anything
to chat with Maya,
short of actually purchasing
a computer.
We decided to take
the next big step...
exchanging photos.
Okay, this is it.
I finally get to see
what she looks like.
Dast I click on this JPEG?
No. I dasn't.
Yes, I dast!
So, what does she look like?
She was a knockout.
Which meant I was screwed,
because now,
I had to send her a picture of me.
All right, before I send this,
I'd better unbeady the eyes,
deNeanderthal the brow,
smooth out my hate lines,
lighten up the ear hair,
switch my lips,
then, black tie the whole deal.
I can't build a relationship
on a lie.
The lies come later.
She thinks I'm cute?
Oh, frabjulous day!
Calloo Callay!
So, that's why I'm cleaning things
and flushing things,
and making this place
look respectable.
She's coming to meet me,
here, tonight.
Moe's rat-free tavern!
Hey, Marge, yeah, Homer's here.
You want Homer?
Sorry, I thought you meant Himmler.
Heinrich Himmler. The guy who invented
the Heimlich "manure"?
Those are two different people!
They're here,
neither one is your husband.
This press conference is over.
Maggie made some new friends.
Burrowing your head into your daddy.
A sign that my baby is happy
and confident.
She said she'd be here
at exactly 8:00.
You calling my girl a liar?!
I've been stood up.
Moe, I'm down here.
You're a little person?
No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.
- What's the correct term?
- Little person.
Look at me being polite!
So, aren't you gonna invite me in?
Of course, I just have...
I have to tidy up the place.
Just one sec.
That's better.
So, Maya,
have you always been this size,
or is this like
a Benjamin Button deal?
It's just that your picture
made you look more...
life-sized.
That was taken at Legoland.
I was afraid you'd be disappointed
in the real me.
Are you kidding me?
You're the best thing to come
into this bar since cable TV.
Unlike cable TV, I ain't stealing you
from the Chinese restaurant
across the street.
I see you watch ESPN2!
I know!
Yeah, that's great there, Ling Chow.
- So, you still want to go out?
- That's why I'm here.
- Great. Let me get a car seat.
- Car seat?
I took out the passenger seat
to save gas, but I'm gonna use it now
'cause we're gonna do the town!
So instead of getting
a new bar sign,
I saved 300 bucks
by changing my name to Moe.
You eat alone again tonight, huh?
Table for one!
Facing the wall!
Not so fast, garlic press.
I'm here with my date.
She's beautiful!
But so far away.
You're a good kisser.
I practice by siphoning gas out
of other people's tanks.
But I never tasted super-premium
that was half as good as you.
How did your date go, Moe?
Incredible.
I've never felt like this before.
It's like my heart wants to do her.
When are we gonna meet her?
I can't wait till you guys get to...
Yep, that's what we'd do!
I'll ask you something.
How would you treat a person
who's generally dynamite
but, in some way a little different?
- Like how we treat Homer?
- 'Cause he can't remember limericks?
I can, too!
There once was this guy from an island
off the coast of Massachusetts...
Nantucket, I think it was.
Anyway, he had the most unusual
personal characteristic,
which was...
Look at him struggling
with the simplest rhyme.
It's A-A-B-A, dumb-ass!
There you are!
Innocent babies
whistling nonchalantly.
How sweet. Maggie will be back
to play with you tomorrow.
Come on, Maggie.
Have some grapefruit.
She seems upset.
Maybe if I lay down a beat
on my bongos, that'll soothe her.
Dad, do you have any idea
what's gotten into Maggie?
- How would I know?
- You spent so much time with her.
I have not!
Right. You think I do.
When you leave your children,
do you really know
whom you're leaving them with?
Your little angels are safe with me.
Enjoy your second honeymoon!
You, wash me unmentionables!
And, you, preheat the oven
for two children at 450.
When you can't be there,
Prying-Eye Surveillance can.
We take images from your camera,
scramble them,
beam them to our orbiting satellite,
unscramble them,
scramble them again, then,
unscramble
that all-important final time.
Our competitors claim
we scramble our images too much.
We say, "Can you love
your children too much?"
The only thing better
than Prying-Eye watching your children
is you watching your children,
and we know that's not gonna happen.
Wait a second, Marge.
Do you really want to use your baby
as a tool to spy on your husband?
- Yes, you do.
- I wasn't talking to you.
When you say it,
it's not just in your head.
This is where I live.
So is there a knob
or an open sesame-type deal, or what?
My house is over there.
You didn't actually think
I lived in a tree, did you?
A lot of people live in trees.
Tarzan, the Berenstain Bears,
flood victims.
- Umpa-lumpa,
- we are so small...
Why watching anything
when I can look at the most
beautiful thing in the world?
Youse.
Mese?
That's right.
Kiss the troll and win a prize.
Listen,
there's one thing
that keeps bothering me.
Is it my religion?
'Cause I am a snake handler,
but not an observant one.
If we have kids, they just have
to have a ceremony with a cobra
by age three
so their grandfather will be happy.
No, that's fine.
It's just that I can't help wondering
why you've never introduced me
to anyone you know.
When your mailman waved to us,
you made me hide under a traffic cone.
Well, I do know this one couple...
the Simpsons,
I believe their name is...
that ain't too judgmental.
She's a stand-up dame,
and he's a fall-down drunk.
Let's make a double date!
Let's get back to what we were...
What's going on?
You turned into a doll!
I just do that to freak people out.
Here she is, Homer.
- The wonderful girl I told you about.
- Pleased to meet you.
Perhaps this is inappropriate,
but I have a mechanical question
while the kids are out of the room,
that I can't help wondering about.
In a nuclear power plant,
just how is nuclear energy
turned into electricity?
If I remember
my high school physics,
the controlled nuclear reaction
creates steam which powers a turbine.
Man, oh, man, slap a ring on that!
All right, Homer.
Let's see what my baby's been up to.
Here we are, Maggie...
that park you love.
Marge, Moe and Maya are here
for our double date.
Okay, I'm coming.
See you when the moon comes out.
Man, that made me thirsty.
For you.
She's beautiful, Moe.
Yeah, she sure is.
Here comes ours.
Would you look at me.
I'm the happiest bartender in the world.
Sorry, fellas.
There's something I want to ask you.
I don't know why I'm so nervous.
This makes more sense
than anything I've ever done.
Other than keeping my Netflix movies
and saying the post office lost 'em.
Anyway...
swill you marry me?
Are you asking me
to be your... little woman?
Well, as long as you don't mind
having a small wedding.
And we can drink champagne
out of an acorn top.
Our first dance
will be on the head of a pin!
I've been hogging all the good ones.
All right, now you go,
but, keep it short!
What's the matter, doll?
We were just having fun.
I stopped having fun
about ten jokes ago,
you just kept going.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Forgive me, kitten.
I mean cat. I mean, tiger.
I mean saber-toothed tiger.
You should go, now.
Okay. I screwed this up pretty bad,
and I'm sorry.
- How long d'you people remember things?
- Get out.
Guys, after all the years
I've given you advice,
I need a little advice from you.
We never follow your advice.
The one time I did,
I went to jail for three years.
You made some good friends?
Just 'cause you're chained to a guy
it's not your friend.
Tomato, tomahto.
How am I gonna win Maya back?
Well, if I've learned anything
from romantic comedies,
it's that you got to make a grand,
reckless gesture,
the kind that looks like
it might blow up in your face.
But what if it blows up in my face?
With your face, who cares?
You got to make me shorter, Doc.
What do you mean?
I mean, take out bones,
guts, whatever you got to do
to make me a micro-Moe.
What you're asking
is completely unethical.
No licensed physician
would perform that operation.
Now close your eyes,
and when you wake up,
you will be a woman.
I want to be shorter for a woman.
I mixed you up with the last guy.
I look nothing like Julie Newmar!
Maya is gonna love the new me!
Moe, why did you do this?
Well, I ain't done nothing yet,
but I'm considering it,
because I want to share your world
forever.
Moe, if you have to be like me
to love me,
then you're not seeing the real me.
I see you, Maya.
I see you every time
I look at the moon.
I see you in puddles after it rains.
I see you in the glazed eye
of a barfly
who's had one too many.
So cut me down to size, Doc.
And cwrap up the bones
so my dog can have fun with 'em.
But, Moe, I don't want someone
who sees me as short.
I want someone
who just sees me as beautiful.
Good-bye.
Okay, no more delays.
I've got to watch this.
I'll save you, Maggie!
Sweetie, you saved me.
I promise that wherever you go
in this world,
I will always be there for you.
Maggie, I love you
from the tip of your toes
to the bow on your hair
with the red blinking light.
God bless your mother
for making you with me.
What you watching?
Homer Simpson,
you are a strong finisher.
And I'm good at beginnings.
- What's the matter, Homer?
- Not a thing in the world.
Yeah, I wish I could say the same.
Moe, this is a great thing for you.
You went from sitting on the sidelines
to getting in the game.
Sometime when you least expect it,
you'll realize
that someone loved you.
And that means
someone can love you again.
And that'll make you smile.
Hey, Homer was right.
Who'd have thought such a little woman
could make me feel so big?
I love to see this!
- Now the other players are joing in.
- Someone could lose a tooth!
This is no time to pat the bunny.
Daddy's watching
a very important Mid-Atlantic
Hockey League Conference
Semifinal do-over game.
As we enter the seventh
amazing overtime,
the members
of the same Street on Ice
wait impatiently
to begin their matinee performance.
Hold the Black Label, Mabel!
The Utica Mohawks', Pete Mavroudis,
has broken through the "topes" defense!
Stop him, Babando!
He winds up for the shot,
and Delacroix slides in front!
You're supposed to be spending time
with your daughter.
I will when it's not sports season.
I just want to know
how the game ends.
And this game is over!
Unbelievable!
You'll never see
anything like that again!
So that will do it
from Wayne Bockhorn,
Jean-Pierre P?tomane,
and me, Doc Jacques Lalonde,
here at Utica's Kill-Kwik
Rat Poison Arena.
What was the score?
Stay tuned
for picking the Perfect Apple,
it's already in progress.
The score, damn you!
Once again, today's final score...
is already in the books.
Good night!
I will never know the score!
You want to know the score?
I'll tell you the score.
This is a definite high point
for our marriage.
Here's the score...
Your daughter barely knows
who you are!
That's ridiculous.
Who's your daddy, Maggie?
Who's your daddy?
He is pretty good with her.
Look, it's just what you want!
Me spending the day with Muggsy.
Marge, you're not naggy.
You just set the bar
impossibly high.
Bring a sweater for Maggie,
at least.
Impossibly high.
Now, let's get started
on the greatest daddy-daughter day ever!
Not even heated up.
Typical dog.
This is it, Maggie...
the place where Daddy goes
every morning.
Now, you learn your numbers
from these billiard balls
while Daddy gets happier and happier
and then sadder and sadder.
- Moe, what are you doing?
- I'm spiffing up the place.
Jeez, can't a guy clean his bar
for the first time ever
without people
making polite inquiries?
I got a window, here.
Maggie could play out there,
while I watch her from in here.
What do you say?
Her first enabling.
Hi, Maggie!
- Up here, beautiful!
- Yo, Mags!
It's me!
Uncle Barney!
Remember I taught you your Abcs.
A- B... P-K...
R...
So, I suppose you guys
are still wondering
why I'm cleaning the bar.
Maggie, look-look at my face.
It all began about a month ago...
It was a typical Friday night:
me surfing the Net
at the public library,
with occasional drinking fountain
breaks.
Just how I like it: warm and rusty.
Awesome. I finally found an intelligent,
sophisticated woman
who hadn't heard any of my jokes.
"Orange who?"
All right, Moe,
give her the punch line nice and easy.
"Orange you glad,
I didn't say bana?"
The gargoyle has landed!
"You're funny".
Very nice.
Now, how can I put this?
"Are you sure you're not actually
some creepy guy
in a public library?"
"No. How about you?"
"Actually, there is a much creepier guy
right next to me."
You know I'm a woman.
We used to own a cat together!
She had babies!
Here's yours!
I would do anything
to chat with Maya,
short of actually purchasing
a computer.
We decided to take
the next big step...
exchanging photos.
Okay, this is it.
I finally get to see
what she looks like.
Dast I click on this JPEG?
No. I dasn't.
Yes, I dast!
So, what does she look like?
She was a knockout.
Which meant I was screwed,
because now,
I had to send her a picture of me.
All right, before I send this,
I'd better unbeady the eyes,
deNeanderthal the brow,
smooth out my hate lines,
lighten up the ear hair,
switch my lips,
then, black tie the whole deal.
I can't build a relationship
on a lie.
The lies come later.
She thinks I'm cute?
Oh, frabjulous day!
Calloo Callay!
So, that's why I'm cleaning things
and flushing things,
and making this place
look respectable.
She's coming to meet me,
here, tonight.
Moe's rat-free tavern!
Hey, Marge, yeah, Homer's here.
You want Homer?
Sorry, I thought you meant Himmler.
Heinrich Himmler. The guy who invented
the Heimlich "manure"?
Those are two different people!
They're here,
neither one is your husband.
This press conference is over.
Maggie made some new friends.
Burrowing your head into your daddy.
A sign that my baby is happy
and confident.
She said she'd be here
at exactly 8:00.
You calling my girl a liar?!
I've been stood up.
Moe, I'm down here.
You're a little person?
No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.
- What's the correct term?
- Little person.
Look at me being polite!
So, aren't you gonna invite me in?
Of course, I just have...
I have to tidy up the place.
Just one sec.
That's better.
So, Maya,
have you always been this size,
or is this like
a Benjamin Button deal?
It's just that your picture
made you look more...
life-sized.
That was taken at Legoland.
I was afraid you'd be disappointed
in the real me.
Are you kidding me?
You're the best thing to come
into this bar since cable TV.
Unlike cable TV, I ain't stealing you
from the Chinese restaurant
across the street.
I see you watch ESPN2!
I know!
Yeah, that's great there, Ling Chow.
- So, you still want to go out?
- That's why I'm here.
- Great. Let me get a car seat.
- Car seat?
I took out the passenger seat
to save gas, but I'm gonna use it now
'cause we're gonna do the town!
So instead of getting
a new bar sign,
I saved 300 bucks
by changing my name to Moe.
You eat alone again tonight, huh?
Table for one!
Facing the wall!
Not so fast, garlic press.
I'm here with my date.
She's beautiful!
But so far away.
You're a good kisser.
I practice by siphoning gas out
of other people's tanks.
But I never tasted super-premium
that was half as good as you.
How did your date go, Moe?
Incredible.
I've never felt like this before.
It's like my heart wants to do her.
When are we gonna meet her?
I can't wait till you guys get to...
Yep, that's what we'd do!
I'll ask you something.
How would you treat a person
who's generally dynamite
but, in some way a little different?
- Like how we treat Homer?
- 'Cause he can't remember limericks?
I can, too!
There once was this guy from an island
off the coast of Massachusetts...
Nantucket, I think it was.
Anyway, he had the most unusual
personal characteristic,
which was...
Look at him struggling
with the simplest rhyme.
It's A-A-B-A, dumb-ass!
There you are!
Innocent babies
whistling nonchalantly.
How sweet. Maggie will be back
to play with you tomorrow.
Come on, Maggie.
Have some grapefruit.
She seems upset.
Maybe if I lay down a beat
on my bongos, that'll soothe her.
Dad, do you have any idea
what's gotten into Maggie?
- How would I know?
- You spent so much time with her.
I have not!
Right. You think I do.
When you leave your children,
do you really know
whom you're leaving them with?
Your little angels are safe with me.
Enjoy your second honeymoon!
You, wash me unmentionables!
And, you, preheat the oven
for two children at 450.
When you can't be there,
Prying-Eye Surveillance can.
We take images from your camera,
scramble them,
beam them to our orbiting satellite,
unscramble them,
scramble them again, then,
unscramble
that all-important final time.
Our competitors claim
we scramble our images too much.
We say, "Can you love
your children too much?"
The only thing better
than Prying-Eye watching your children
is you watching your children,
and we know that's not gonna happen.
Wait a second, Marge.
Do you really want to use your baby
as a tool to spy on your husband?
- Yes, you do.
- I wasn't talking to you.
When you say it,
it's not just in your head.
This is where I live.
So is there a knob
or an open sesame-type deal, or what?
My house is over there.
You didn't actually think
I lived in a tree, did you?
A lot of people live in trees.
Tarzan, the Berenstain Bears,
flood victims.
- Umpa-lumpa,
- we are so small...
Why watching anything
when I can look at the most
beautiful thing in the world?
Youse.
Mese?
That's right.
Kiss the troll and win a prize.
Listen,
there's one thing
that keeps bothering me.
Is it my religion?
'Cause I am a snake handler,
but not an observant one.
If we have kids, they just have
to have a ceremony with a cobra
by age three
so their grandfather will be happy.
No, that's fine.
It's just that I can't help wondering
why you've never introduced me
to anyone you know.
When your mailman waved to us,
you made me hide under a traffic cone.
Well, I do know this one couple...
the Simpsons,
I believe their name is...
that ain't too judgmental.
She's a stand-up dame,
and he's a fall-down drunk.
Let's make a double date!
Let's get back to what we were...
What's going on?
You turned into a doll!
I just do that to freak people out.
Here she is, Homer.
- The wonderful girl I told you about.
- Pleased to meet you.
Perhaps this is inappropriate,
but I have a mechanical question
while the kids are out of the room,
that I can't help wondering about.
In a nuclear power plant,
just how is nuclear energy
turned into electricity?
If I remember
my high school physics,
the controlled nuclear reaction
creates steam which powers a turbine.
Man, oh, man, slap a ring on that!
All right, Homer.
Let's see what my baby's been up to.
Here we are, Maggie...
that park you love.
Marge, Moe and Maya are here
for our double date.
Okay, I'm coming.
See you when the moon comes out.
Man, that made me thirsty.
For you.
She's beautiful, Moe.
Yeah, she sure is.
Here comes ours.
Would you look at me.
I'm the happiest bartender in the world.
Sorry, fellas.
There's something I want to ask you.
I don't know why I'm so nervous.
This makes more sense
than anything I've ever done.
Other than keeping my Netflix movies
and saying the post office lost 'em.
Anyway...
swill you marry me?
Are you asking me
to be your... little woman?
Well, as long as you don't mind
having a small wedding.
And we can drink champagne
out of an acorn top.
Our first dance
will be on the head of a pin!
I've been hogging all the good ones.
All right, now you go,
but, keep it short!
What's the matter, doll?
We were just having fun.
I stopped having fun
about ten jokes ago,
you just kept going.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Forgive me, kitten.
I mean cat. I mean, tiger.
I mean saber-toothed tiger.
You should go, now.
Okay. I screwed this up pretty bad,
and I'm sorry.
- How long d'you people remember things?
- Get out.
Guys, after all the years
I've given you advice,
I need a little advice from you.
We never follow your advice.
The one time I did,
I went to jail for three years.
You made some good friends?
Just 'cause you're chained to a guy
it's not your friend.
Tomato, tomahto.
How am I gonna win Maya back?
Well, if I've learned anything
from romantic comedies,
it's that you got to make a grand,
reckless gesture,
the kind that looks like
it might blow up in your face.
But what if it blows up in my face?
With your face, who cares?
You got to make me shorter, Doc.
What do you mean?
I mean, take out bones,
guts, whatever you got to do
to make me a micro-Moe.
What you're asking
is completely unethical.
No licensed physician
would perform that operation.
Now close your eyes,
and when you wake up,
you will be a woman.
I want to be shorter for a woman.
I mixed you up with the last guy.
I look nothing like Julie Newmar!
Maya is gonna love the new me!
Moe, why did you do this?
Well, I ain't done nothing yet,
but I'm considering it,
because I want to share your world
forever.
Moe, if you have to be like me
to love me,
then you're not seeing the real me.
I see you, Maya.
I see you every time
I look at the moon.
I see you in puddles after it rains.
I see you in the glazed eye
of a barfly
who's had one too many.
So cut me down to size, Doc.
And cwrap up the bones
so my dog can have fun with 'em.
But, Moe, I don't want someone
who sees me as short.
I want someone
who just sees me as beautiful.
Good-bye.
Okay, no more delays.
I've got to watch this.
I'll save you, Maggie!
Sweetie, you saved me.
I promise that wherever you go
in this world,
I will always be there for you.
Maggie, I love you
from the tip of your toes
to the bow on your hair
with the red blinking light.
God bless your mother
for making you with me.
What you watching?
Homer Simpson,
you are a strong finisher.
And I'm good at beginnings.
- What's the matter, Homer?
- Not a thing in the world.
Yeah, I wish I could say the same.
Moe, this is a great thing for you.
You went from sitting on the sidelines
to getting in the game.
Sometime when you least expect it,
you'll realize
that someone loved you.
And that means
someone can love you again.
And that'll make you smile.
Hey, Homer was right.
Who'd have thought such a little woman
could make me feel so big?