The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 20, Episode 12 - No Loan Again, Naturally - full transcript

The Simpsons lose their house, but Flanders buys it and offers to rent it back to them. But when they turn out to be less-than-reliable renters, Flanders kicks them out.

I see stars.

Bart!

Whoa.

D'oh!

Oh, mardi gras Oh, mardi gras
You see a lot of boobies

Boy, where are my
zydeco records?

Oh, there's 12 more boxes,
and they all sound the same.

I know they do,
but the simpson mardi gras party

Has been a tradition since
two days before you were born.

And we spare no expense.

What about my birthday party?



This counts as that.

Ladies, how you doing
with the float?

Fine, but I wish
you'd picked an easier theme

Than "super-jet
dinosaur fun-monkeys."

What does that even mean?

Homie, every year this party
gets a little bigger.

I'm afraid it's
growing out of hand.

Hey, homer,
I have some distant relatives

That I never see except
for this party.

Can I bring them to the party?

No problem.

Just so you know,

Some of them act like
they hate america,

But what they really
hate are americans.



Marge, lighten up.

Even grampa's
enjoying himself.

Huh?

I officially declare
this private party

In some guy's backyard open!

It's my wife!

Everyone, pretend this is
a trade seminar in zurich.

Can't talk now, dear.

It's 4:00 in the morning
here in zurich. I...

Oh, right.
We came together.

Ha, ha.

Whoo!

Hey, here you go.

Ha, ha! Eat my food!

Drink of my drink!

Put your coat
on my daughter's bed!

I command you!

Your majesty,

Did you remember to
invite ned flanders?

Ow... Oh... Oh!

As the worm said to the plate
of spaghetti, "I...

I..."

Fine, I'll invite him.

But he has to wear
the outfit I choose.

Hey, flanders.

Listen, uh...

We're having a party...

I noticed.

So, anyway,
if you're not doing anything--

And it looks
like you are--

You're welcome
to stop by...

Or not.

Well, homer,
maybe I could use a break

From the ol' weed 'n' feed.

Man, you really are
into me, huh?

What are you, some
kind of talking dog?

Eh, sure.

Hey...

Three... Two... One...

It's ash Wednesday, everybody!

Set down your gins
and confess your sins!

Homer, I always wonder,

How can you afford this
party year after year?

Because I have
this magical thing

Called a home equity loan.

I borrow all the money I want,

And the house gets stuck
with the bill.

Sucker.

Huh. I'm not sure
that's how it works.

Fine, mr. Skeptical.

Give me back your beads.

But, but, but...

Beads, please.

Homie, do you know
anything about this?

Marge, don't worry.

It's like when we stopped
paying the phone bill.

They stopped calling us.

In fact, everyone did.

I think we should go see
our mortgage broker.

Oh, man, who'd think
the first day of lent

Would be such a bummer?

Let's see here, uh,
balloon payment...

37% interest
compounded every minute...

Not-understanding-the-contract-
fee...

Here's your new
monthly payment.

That number's so big
it has a comma!

Oh, wait.
I left out a zero.

Listen, you!
When you gave me that money,

You said I wouldn't have
to repay it till the future!

This isn't the future!

It's the lousy,
stinking now!

Now, calm down.

This country takes care
of its middle class.

Don't be sore at the banks.

Hell, we fired our ceo,

And he barely got out
with $50 million.

That poor man.

Is he okay?

Eh, as okay as you can be
in the north of France.

Now, here's a free tip from me:

Learn to make soup from rocks
and grass.

And what will I cook
that soup on?

Come on, marge,
you've got the sun,

You've got hobo fires...

I can't do all
the work for you.

I worked so hard to make
this house into a home

And now somebody else
is just going to take it.

Marge, I'm so sorry.

Why are you here?

You already own a home.

Hey, our au pair has
to live somewhere.

Look like winter palace.

I know, I know,
but bernice wants you out.

Don't worry, honey,
we'll come out ahead.

I ripped all the copper wire
out of the walls.

Did you remember
to disconnect it first?

Did I what now?

I know I shouldn't get
too attached to a building,

But that's where lisa
took her first step.

The kids' height.

Homer's weight.

This is so hard because I always
thought mom was the strong one.

She is. Look.

Good-bye.

D'oh!

For sale.

742 evergreen terrace.

Detached
single family dwelling.

Now, who will start me off?

Anybody ever get murdered
in this house?

No.
Thank you for your time.

$100,000.

Sir, what exactly do you
plan to do with this place?

I need a place
to store my cuff links.

Let's go, kids.

I can't watch
any more.

I have $100,000.

Going once.

Going twice.

$101,000!

Mm?

Pass. I've already lifted
this thing once today.

I'm not hercules.

Sold!

Okay, folks,
hand in your paddles.

Round ends together, please.

Round end--

What is this, randomly
toss in your paddle day?

Ned, you bought our house.

Why?

So I can rent it back to you.

Just pay what you can
till you get back on your feet.

Ned flanders.

I can't believe
what you doodily-did for us.

Well, sir, as the ocean
said to the dirt,

"I appreciate the sediment."

And on the zillionth day,
god created hugs

And it was good!

Come on, kids!

Let's take our stuff
back inside.

Uh, uh, uh, uh,
better let me go first.

I left a little, uh...

Surprise upstairs
for the new owner.

For he's a fabulous flanders,
which nobody can deny

he saved our ass...

Okay, everyone squeeze in.

Evil triumphs again.

Ow!

Oh, homie, the faucet
won't stop leaking.

No problem.

Just let sir fix-a-lot
slay this chore.

Next problem.

Say, homer, why don't you let me
take a peek at that leak?

Ned, please,
you're our guest.

Well, actually,
as your landlord,

Repairs are my responsibility.

I'll just get my tools.

Mm-hmm.

Try 'er now, marge.

Oh, hot comes out of hot.

It's like I'm dreaming!

Thank you, ned.

Well, I guess I'd
better be...

Um... Do you have time
to look at a few other leaks,

Faulty wires and dangerous
mold conditions?

Well, as you are my tenants,
I'll see what I can do.

Oh, well, let's see what else
is in the job jar.

Oh!

It's so beautiful.

No two are exactly alike.

Though many of them
are very similar.

Ooh!

I'm back, baby!

It's irresistible.

You ask him to do something
and he does it.

He's like a genie.

When I was putting new
insulation in your attic,

I slipped on this lamp
and really banged my head.

So, unless you have
anything else for me...

No, no.

I'm just happy I can finally
serve this cake.

Hello?

Ned, I think we
have a gas leak!

Well, sorry, I just had my glass
of warm milk

Which means
I am closed for business.

He won't come over.

He what?!

Flanders, landlords like you
are the scum of the earth!

You lounge around
in your egg mcmansions

And we never see you
unless the rent check's late!

The rent check is late.

Some friend you are!

The minute
you become our landlord,

You expect us to pay rent.

You'd better just pray I don't
find out where you live!

Bart!

Don't forget to
turn the chicken.

People like flanders
make me sick.

If I was marge's landlord,
I'd fix her pipes

And I'd shower her
with flowers

And take her on a romantic
getaway to the south seas

And I... I'd never return.

Yeah, you'd treat her right.

Well, here's how
you get back at flanders:

You go to the media
and you get them to expose

What a horrible person
he really is.

Oh, right, like
dateline did to you!

Yeah, three times.

The last one was nominated
for a peabody, whatever that is.

This is kent brockman
with a channel 6 exclusive:

The evil ned.

742 evergreen terrace.

A tiny slice of suburban heaven.

But, like dating an actress,

What seemed like heaven
soon turned to hell.

We live in a house

That is trying to kill us.

Hey, dad.

I...

Who is this "dad" you
speak of, lisa simpson?

You want a cookie, dad?
Yes.

Squeaky stair here.

Scary portrait there.

Poltergeist in the closet.

Ooh...

I died when homer sat on me.

Why, you little...

I'm the victim here.

So, who is responsible
for these outrages?

The man whose side of the story
we didn't even bother to get:

Ned flanders.

The worst person
who ever lived!

Mm-hmm.

Let's see what else is on.

Oh, this is good.

Homer simpson,
I took pity on you,

And what do I get in return?

A kick in the kadiddlehopper!

kadiddlehopper!

It's not funny.

That's how I swear!

Fine. You're mad.

What are you gonna do about it?

When the month is up,
I want you out!

Fine. I'll get
another neighbor

To buy the house and
let us live in it.

We won't do it!

Your leaving is our christmas!

Flanders!

You wouldn't throw us out
on christmas, would you?

Wha...? Wha...? Who's that?

It is me-- jesus!

I have come from my workshop
in the north pole to say,

Don't evict the simpsons!

Uh, say, jesus,
what was the name

Of the son of zachariah?

It was, uh...

Do you have a computer nearby?

He's nailing something
to our door.

Hmm, I wonder
if it's theses.

Ew, that's gross.

Homie, I think
it's an eviction notice.

We're gonna be homeless

Like lucille ball
in the stone pillow.

Don't worry, marge.

According to this chapter book,

We have a secret weapon:

"evictee will be granted
a stay of eviction

If said household includes
a resident aged 65 or over."

Finally, a practical use
for my father.

Whee! I'm gonna live
like a human in a real house!

What's the catch?

I'm using you!

For what?

My own devices!
All right!

Tell the world what
you saw here!

I'm gonna miss putting makeup
on him while he sleeps.

I've already
moved on.

Hey, flanders,

You can't evict us because
a senior's living here now.

You're never too old to
ruin things for the young!

Will you kids knock it off?

I'm trying to watch badminton!

Dad, we've been trapped
in the house for days.

Can't we play outside?

Yeah, without the sun,
my hair's reverting
to its natural red.

I don't want to be
called "rusty" again!

I don't!

You know, it says here
that grampa

Has to remain
in the house,

But we don't.

How about a family outing?

Family outing?

I'll start--
lisa's gay!

Right, 'cause
I wouldn't want to be gay

Like my heroes

Billie jean king, susan sontag,
sappho of lesbos,

And I suspect,
peppermint patty.

Well, I guess we could
take a quick walk.

We'll keep
grampa occupied

With this dvd of
dwight eisenhower
talking about golf.

Now, when I've got
a downhill lie,

I like to swing wide,

Just like patton did when
he swung past kesselring's boys

In the ardennes forest.
Let's watch.

Ah, this is what I call
living in the past!

So, after I paid
for the ice-cream cones,

I said "thank you"

And was on my way.

We know, dad.
We were there.

I know it seems that way,

Because I'm such
a vivid storyteller.

Now here's another story called
"bart's mistake."

We were walking home when...

How could this have happened?!

Because your father lives
with me now.

Flanders feeds me
people food!

Well, I can't
compete with that!

Oh, my god,
we're out on the street!

Honey, don't cry.
It could be worse.

At least
it's not raining!

See? I told you,
it's not raining.

So we're just homeless.

Kids, if you get lost,
remember where we are:

75 beds from that wall, and a
hundred beds from the crazy guy.

Man, probably the best
I've ever seen,

Although he stole the idea
from amelia earhart...

I hate this place!
The clothes they gave us

Are the clothes we gave
to charity last year!

There's a lesson here:
Life is fickle.

You should appreciate every...

Stop kicking, bart!

But kicking is
the only toy I have.

That's not true.
You have bug bites
you can scratch.

This is the lowest
we've sunk.

That's the answer:
Pawn to king's bishop four!

You two are
the kind of tenants

Every landlord
dreams of--

Excellent credit,
christian but not baptist,

And let's see,
according to your application,

You only have sex
for procreation.

If that.

Well, now, I'll just put

My john hancock
on the doc,

And you can give me
the key to the lock!

My ballpoint's all
clicked up for you.

Oh, no, thanks.

I don't believe in
borrowing things
from my neighbor.

Lord, you said
love thy neighbor,

But you didn't have
to make it so easy.

Whatcha got there,
woofy goldberg?

Who's this?

Oh, that's just
a family who used to...

Make my life, uh...

Interesting.

I'll just add my
initials there.

For he's a fabulous flanders

There...

Which nobody can deny!

Ooh, and there.
Exciting!

Uh... folks....

And... leased.

I'm afraid you can't live here.

Roger dodger.
Back in the car, nance.

Yay! But why?

Well, the people who lived here
before, um,

Weren't always the best
neighbors, but I love 'em.

And, uh, you can't be a saint

Unless you live
among the lepers.

I hope you don't mind.

And I hope you won't
mind when we sue.

I think you should.
The court papers will be

A great way to stay in touch.

Well, hasn't this been
a peach of a breach!

We'll see you in court.

Oh, flanders, I promise

I'll never abuse
our friendship again.

It's okay
if you backslide a little.

Never! Hooray
for stupid flanders!

The simpsons are back!

I really hate this neighborhood.

Shh!