The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 4, Episode 7 - Bilko's Big Woman Hunt - full transcript

(barking orders)

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Hello, Golden Gate Savings Bank?

I'd like to speak to Miss
Nancy Popofski, please.

Yeah. She's in the
3rd cage, S through Z.

I'll wait.

Hello, Miss Popofski.

Hello, little pussy cat.

This is your big bunny rabbit.

I just called up
for a little kiss.

Oh you've got a customer?



Well, gee Nancy, can't
you go back in the vault

and kiss me from there?

Ok, I'll call back
in a little while.

In about 5 minutes.
Goodbye little sponge cake.

Open up, Sarge.

Come on, turn the
money over to us

or we'll break down the door.

- It's our dough hand it over.
- Yeah!

Will you keep 'em quiet
out there, I'm trying to work.

I can't figure
out this 4th race.

Sarge, they sure sound
angry, what are we gonna do?

Look, if they don't trust
me with the Welfare Fund,

let somebody else hold it.

Somebody else? Who?



- Henshaw.
- Henshaw?

He's on our side,
they'll never trust him.

Oh yes they will, after they see

the fight we're gonna
have in front of the platoon.

- Fight?
- Yeah it's all arranged.

See, Henshaw's
gonna come in here.

I'll insult him, he
takes a poke at me.

And then he's their hero.

They'll trust him with anything,
especially the Welfare Fund.

- Ernie...
- Don't say it, Rocco.

That look of worship in
your eyes is all I have to see.

Okay, it's 2:00 o'clock.

Henshaw should
be here, let them in.

- All right, where is the money?
- Where is the money?

What is this?

- Where's our dough Sarge?
- The dough?

Here's your dough,
that's where it is.

Good we're not
late, if you don't mind

Sarge, we'll keep it.

Wait a minute,
you don't trust me?

Give me one a reason.

It's opening day at Santa
Anita. Good enough reason?

What kind of reason is that?

So Santa Anita opens,
I mean... Santa Anita?

Yeah.

Wait a minute, isn't
that the race track?

- Yeah.
- Ah, and you associated me with...

You thought that I would
take your money to San...

Well, if that's the
way you fellas feel

I want no more to
do with you, here.

You hold the money Rocco.

Just a moment,
that's like Jesse James

giving it to his brother Frank.

Yeah.

All right, give it to
any impartial member

of the platoon, all right?

- That's okay with me.
- Oh hello there, Cpl. Henshaw.

- Hi Ernie.
- Hi Ernie? What's that hi Ernie?

Look, I don't mind
being a little democratic,

but is that the way you address

a superior in the United
States Army, Hi Ernie?

Guys like you take advantage.

First thing you know you'll
be calling me Hi baldy.

- Hi baldy?
- You heard him.

You heard him, Doberman.
You heard him call the Sergeant...

All right, you've
been asking for this.

Forget these stripes
and put up your dukes.

We'll get this over with.

Pussy cat doesn't like
her bunny rabbit to fight.

Wait a minute, he
can't kiss me like that.

What's the matter with him?

Blonde guy is not
gonna get the money.

Give it to me, Bilko
took me so many times,

he'll never get a
penny out of me.

- That's it.
- Let's go.

You know you're
gonna hold the money.

- Why don't you try...
- Come on.

Bye, bye welfare fund.

That's the 3rd deal
that bunny rabbit

has loused up this week.

Oh, take it easy,
Sarge, he's in love.

In love, ever since he
hooked up with that dame

he's a useless slob.

I'm gonna give him
one more chance.

We'll see how
many tickets he sells

for my Welcome Alaska
into the Union Dance.

Sgt. Bilko reporting,
Sir. You sent for me?

Ah, Sgt. Bilko how's
the business going?

Business? The Colonel
forgets I'm in the Army,

that's the only
business I have, Sir.

You're the one who
forgets he's in the Army.

I'm talking about your sideline.

- Sideline Sir?
- Yes.

The United States
Army Rent A Car Service.

How much do you get a mile

for renting out
my staff car, Bilko?

Sir, it's a vicious rumor.

Someone is trying to
break up the deep bond

of trust and faith we've
enjoyed through the years.

Well, whoever it is he's
doing a pretty good job.

He practically broke
up my marriage too.

You mean you and Mrs. Hall, Sir?

Yes. She happened
to look in the staff

car this morning,

and she found this
in the back seat.

Sir, one of my men
used your staff car.

I'm sure he was on
official business Sir.

- Oh, official business?
- Yes, Sir.

Oh, then this note on the
panda must be a coded message.

- Really?
- "From Bunny Wabbit to Pussy Cat."

- The bunny rabbit has struck again.
- What was that?

I said that it will never
happen again, Sir.

I'll say it won't. From
now on that staff car

will be removed from the motor
pool and kept in my garage.

- Yes Sir.
- And by the way, Bilko.

My Colonel!

Suppose you leave
the welcoming of Alaska

to the United States Senate.

You mean my welcome
Alaska into the union dance, Sir?

The dance, the Rec
hall everything, it's all out.

Yes, Sir.

Sir, if you hear a rifle
shot don't be alarmed,

there's a crazy bunny
rabbit around here

causing a lot of trouble.

I'll take this Sir,
for fingerprints.

I must thank you, I really must.

I must thank you, this is
the way that you repay me.

After all the years I
spent training you,

teaching you all the
tricks of the trade,

this is the way you repay me?

Breaking up a financial
empire that took years

of scheming and
conniving to build?

I was gonna leave it
all to you, Henshaw.

But look, Ernie,
I don't need it.

I found something
more important.

I found something right here.

Yeah, and I lost
something right in here.

I'm only doing it
for your own good,

Henshaw, forget this dame.

Look, Ernie, I can't forget her.

This is the real thing,
it was love at first sight.

Love at first sight.

That's right, our eyes
met and suddenly

I don't know, there
was a big explosion.

- An explosion?
- Yeah.

That was no explosion, that was

the sound of your lid flipping.

All I want you
to do is meet her.

- I know you'll like her.
- Look, do me a favour,

I don't want to meet this dame.

She's caused enough
trouble already.

But please, Sarge, you
don't have to talk to her.

Just come down to the bank where

she works and look at her.

I don't wanna...
she works at a bank?

Well, why condemn the girl...

No. She's caused enough trouble,

I don't wanna have
anything to do with her.

But Sarge, please, will you?
I told her so much about you.

Just have lunch
with us, will ya, huh?

Ok, sometimes I'm all heart.

Gee, thanks Ernie, I'll
go make the reservations

at the Mark Hopkins
hotel. You'll love Nancy.

- Gee, thanks.
- What's with this kissing?

- Get out of here.
- Oh I'm sorry.

Hey Sarge, Sarge,
that was very nice of you

to agree to meet Henshaw's girl.

- It made him very happy.
- Oh I'm gonna make him even happier.

Years later, when he's
a contented old bachelor,

he'll thank me.

- You're gonna break it up?
- Of course I am.

He told her all about me.
Now I'll tell her all about him.

What's to tell?
Everybody likes Henshaw.

Oh no, everybody loves Henshaw.

The waitresses, the WACs,
the nurses, they all love him.

You know shy little Henshaw?

I'll tell this dame
the truth about him.

What truth?

I don't know, I'll make it
up on the bus, come on.

Well, where are
the young lovers?

Oh, they'll be here any minute.

I guess Nancy got
tied up at the bank.

Yeah, she's probably busy rolling
pennies, oh that Henshaw can pick 'em.

Hey, ain't this a
romantic spot, Ernie?

That view and everything?

Sarge, I bet you this
is where it happened.

What happened?

You know, Nancy and Hensh
first met and then paah...

The explosion.

Why don't you knock it off?
That only happens in the movies.

In real life a guy meets a girl
and they go steady for a while

and then they get
married and settle down.

And one night the poor soul
comes home late and paah...

that's when the
explosion happens.

I guess you're right, Ernie.
Hey, here comes Henshaw.

- Ernie, Roc, she's gone.
- Who, who's gone?

Nancy's gone, I went out
to the bank to pick her up

and her cage was empty.
- Cage was empty.

She's gone, I don't
know where she went,

why would she go away like that?
- You don't know?

Excuse him folks,
a little battle fatigue.

- We had plans made.
- What happened?

I don't know what happened,
she left me this note.

Hensh? What does the note say?

"Dear Corporal
Henshaw, although I think

you're one of the
nicest boys I've ever met,

I have decided to
return to Chicago,

and marry a boy I
have known for years."

Oh, Sarge, what a rotten trick.

You shouldn't have
sent a note like that.

I didn't send it.
This is the real thing.

How do you like that dame,
she broke this up before I could.

That 2-timing bank teller.

I better stop Hensh before he
does something desperate..er

take care of the cheque.

Hold on down,
down Ok kid, move it.

Oh, come on kid,
move this thing.

What's taking it so long?
It's all downhill, come on.

Step in the rear
please. Let 'em in.

Will you move this thing
son? What are you doing,

enjoying the scenery?
Come on, push this crate.

- Next stop main floor.
- All right.

- What happened?
- What happened?

- What's the matter?
- I don't know.

We're stuck between floors.

Ah ah folks, take
it easy, don't panic,

I'm a member of the
United States Armed Forces

and I'll take charge here.
Operator, what's our position?

We're stuck between
the 14th and 15th floors.

There's nothing to it,
folks, we're merely stuck...

We're stuck, between the
14th? We could drop 14 floors.

Sergeant, Sergeant
are you all right?

But he's got it stuck.
Can't he get us down?

Some soldier. I've
seen braver children.

Yeah, I didn't see
you take charge.

- All right.
- Can you move this thing?

- What's now?
- What is it?

All right, folks, here we go.

We're going.

There now, you see, you'll
be down in a few seconds.

Yes, very nice of you
to help. I just can't...

Are you all right now, Sergeant?
- Boom!!

Miss, wait a minute, I
love you. Let me help you.

What's the matter with you,
didn't you hear the explosion, miss?

How sweet you
were, no it isn't you.

Dear, how kind you were, no.

Ah, I found you
at last my darling.

- What is this?
- Oh, excuse me.

I'm not well, you see,
I was in an explosion.

Oh clerk, clerk, did you see

the most beautiful
girl in the world?

I'm sorry, Sir, I was busy
checking in some guests.

Look, you gotta help me...

Stop this, you gotta
help me find her.

Find who, Sir?

The most beautiful girl,
you don't understand, do you.

Well you see, I was in the
elevator, got stuck on the 14th floor

and all the people got panicky,
especially this lovely girl,

and me, being a Sergeant in
the Army, I calmed her down.

Well, by the time the
elevator got into the lobby,

I was so calm and she was gone.

I mean, she was so calm
that she got... did you see her?

No, why don't you ask
the elevator operator?

Yeah, the elevator...

He was... you're a good man.

You're good.

Well, well if it isn't the
famous hero Sgt. York.

Never mind that,
the beautiful girl

who was standing next
to me in the elevator,

- do you know who she was?
- Look buddy, I face front.

I don't have time to
look at every passenger.

Look, she spoke to me.

You must've heard
her speak to me.

Oh, is she the one with the high
pitched voice that got panicky?

- No, that was me.
- She had a soft soothing voice.

Oh, I'm sorry, but I don't
know who you're talking about.

Sarge, Sarge, we were
looking all over for you.

- I found Henshaw.
- Ernie, she's gone, she's gone.

- I know, I know.
- With those clear blue eyes.

That lovely brown hair.

- Brown? Nancy is a redhead.
- Who's talking about Nancy?

I'm talking about the real
thing, it happened to me.

- Sarge, not you?
- Yeah, in the elevator.

I took one look at her
and paah! The explosion.

Forget about her, Sarge,
she'll just use you for a while

and throw you aside
like an old shoe.

They're all no good.

No they're not, that might
do for Nancy but not this girl.

If I ever saw a true blue
girl, it was... what's her name?

- What is her name?
- I don't know what's her...

I don't who she is, all I
know is I gotta, I gotta...

Oh, I heard the explosion.

But Ernie wait, I was
in an explosion too

and look what's left,
wreckage, rubble and ruins.

I don't care about
you, I've got to find her.

- I gotta find her.
- Sarge, think.

Sarge, think, think of
all the wonderful things

you're gonna have to give up.

The ripple of a deck of
cards across the table.

The pitter patter of little
dice against the wall.

Sarge, are you prepared
to give all that up?

You dog, you know
where to get me, don't you.

No, I'm not prepared
to give that up.

I almost made a
fool out of myself.

Thank you boys for
showing me the way back.

- That's all righty.
- Yeah, he's going to be okay.

Boy, how nutty can you get.

Come on, let's find
a pool room and

get a breath of fresh air.

I gotta find her,
I gotta find her.

Ernie, pull yourself together.

It's no use. I can't
eat, I can't sleep.

Listen, Sarge, you only
met her only 5 minutes ago.

Love doesn't have a wrist watch.

Hey you, you've gotta help me.

- We've got to find someone.
- Take it easy, will you?

Look, you must have seen
her. She was in the lobby.

A beautiful girl, big eyes
and lovely pursed up lips,

looks something like that,

you know who I'm talking about?

If she looks like that what
do you wanna find her for?

Ernie, that's no description.

Yeah, if you had a
picture or something...

He's right, a picture. Come on.

- Sarge, where are we going?
- I know where to get a picture.

You're a good man, come on.

There's a couple of soldiers
outside to see you Lieutenant,

they say it's important.

- Ok, Pete, send them in.
- Come on in fellas.

- Lieutenant?
- What's the trouble soldier?

I want to report
a lady pickpocket.

A pickpocket?

Yeah, she's working the
elevators at the Mark Hopkins hotel.

Oh, she looked innocent
enough and little did I know,

while she smiling
at me so sweetly,

her supple fingers were in
my back pocket lifting my wallet.

Your wallet, I can't
help you with that buddy.

You'll have to take it up
with Keller in petty robbery.

Petty robbery? I guess
I'll have to tell him, men.

Lieutenant, is it
safe to talk here?

- It's a Police station.
- Oh yes.

Lieutenant in that
wallet, were the plans

for the world's tiniest missile.

The pocket rocket.

It's no bigger than a fountain
pen and can be launched from...

good heavens I've
said too much already.

Lieutenant, we've gotta
get that wallet back.

Why didn't you report
this to Army intelligence?

They sent me here.

You see, they didn't want to
arouse too much suspicion.

They were afraid
she'd leave town.

Well, just give me a
description, I'll put it on the wire.

Well no, I thought a
picture would be better.

You do have a police artist,
I could describe her to him

and in that way we know
what we're looking for.

- Pete, send in Spencer.
- Oh, the General will be furious.

Sergeant, don't you think
it was a little foolish of you

to keep important
papers in your wallet?

Why didn't you put
them in your shoe?

Shoe, why didn't
I think of that.

No wonder he's a Lieutenant.

Did you send for me, Sullivan?

Oh yeah Spencer, it
looks like a security case.

It's a woman, the Sergeant
here will give you the description.

Thank you very much.

Go ahead soldier,
what does she look like?

Oh, she was the prettiest
pickpocket you ever saw.

A little more detail, please,
was her face round or oval?

Round or oval, what is
Brigitte Bardot's face?

- Oval.
- Put down oval.

- Oval.
- How about her lips.

Oh, how about her lips?

- Yes sir.
- Were they full or thin?

I forget, which
is more kissable?

- Full.
- Well then put down full.

Full lips.

Does this look
anything like her?

No, you haven't
quite got it Sir.

You see, the face
it has no distinction.

You see, high cheekbones.

Give her that
Joan Crawford look.

- How's that?
- Let me see.

No, no, that's more
Broderick Crawford.

How do I get, you see
the Lieutenant's face,

even though it's masculine,
it has the same contours.

But picture a little...
please, Lieutenant,

this is a security case.

Picture a little dimple in
her chin and her mouth,

it had that pouty look.

Give... say pudgy
baby... that does it. Yes.

Gives it that full
look and her nose

had that pert little turned up.

I can't turn up this nose.

Give me big eyes,
that's what she did, huh.

The big eyes.

By George, I
think he's getting it.

Aren't our modern police
methods wonderful?

Well here. Is that the girl?

It's her. It's her.

Is that the pickpocket?

- Sarge she's a knockout.
- Wow, she's beautiful.

Let me have that picture,
I'll have copies made

and sent to all precincts.
- Oh, that won't be necessary.

I'll conduct the search myself.

I'll need 2 men. Oh
you 2 men'll do, out.

I should do something for the
policemen's fund, you've been so...

Your wallet? I thought
you said she took it?

Good heavens it is my wallet.

I've almost made
a horrible mistake.

I've almost accused
an innocent young lady,

Oh, I'll have to rush
to apologize to her.

Do you happen to have
a squad car going by

the Mark Hopkins Hotel?

Now just a minute, Sergeant,
what's going on here?

Never mind we'll walk.
Walk, walk, thank you.

1, 2, cha, cha, cha,
1, 2, cha, cha, cha.

Oh, I'll get that.

Would you keep right on
practicing now, come on.

1, 2, that's right.

Hallo, Miss Hodges speaking.

Ira, where are you calling from?

How'd you find me?

I'm in Berkeley, Ellen,
where you should be.

Now I demand that
you get on the next bus

and come right back home.

I certainly will not, and you
have no right to order me about.

Oh, I certainly
do, we're engaged.

Engaged? Since
when are we engaged?

Since Sunday. Mother
announced it to the papers.

Now you get back here, Ellen.
The whole town is laughing at me.

You're making
me look like a fool.

I'm announcing right
now we're unengaged.

I'm not coming back and
don't you bother looking for me.

Well if you think that for
one moment that I... hello?

Hello, Ellen? Hello.

Miss Kramer, get me my car.
And then get me my mother.

Oh, Miss Hodges,
I think I got it. 1, 2.

Oh, excuse just a
minute, Mr. Hadley,

I have something
very important to do,

but you just keep
right on practicing here,

now come on, 1, 2, that's fine.

Awfully sorry to bother
you with this, Mr. Stone,

but it could be
very embarrassing.

Don't worry, Miss Hodges,
if anyone comes around here

looking for you, out he goes.

- Thanks so much.
- Oh hi, Miss Hodges.

Hi Joe, listen, I have
a favor to ask of you.

Anything Miss
Hodges. What is it?

Well, somebody that
I don't want to see

might come around
here looking for me.

And if he asks you about
me you don't know where I am,

or who I am or how
to find me, huh?

- Gotcha, I'll be a regular mummy.
- Thank you.

Sarge, Sarge, do you
think we'll find her?

I got her picture don't worry.

If she is in this hotel we'll
find her. Oh, elevator boy...

Well, well, if it isn't
Captain Courageous.

Isn't he cute, is it any wonder
his elevator is always crowded.

- Going up.
- Come here, come here.

Remember I talked to you about
a young lady? I got her picture,

do you know who she is?

You're looking for this girl?

- Yeah.
- Going up.

Wait a minute. You
didn't answer my question.

- Do you know who she is?
- I'm not very good at faces.

Oh, the old grizzies bit.
How good are you at figures?

Does this elevator
stop at the 5th floor?

Oh, I'm sorry fellow. Going up.

Hey talk, bargain a little.

Does it stop on the 10th floor?

- Going up.
- All right, all right, you pirate.

How many floors in this hotel.

- 18.
- 18, all right here 18.

- Oh gee, thanks mister.
- You know who this young lady is?

I got no idea, sport.

Wait! Stop! Stop!
Come back you crook.

What's going on here?
What's the trouble?

- Who are you?
- I'm Mr. Stone the desk clerk.

Oh yeah, well I wanna
report a crooked elevator boy.

This is most irregular,
what happened?

What happened? I wanted
some innocent information

and he bilked me out of $18?

- You were here, you were.
- I'm terribly sorry, Sir.

We've always been
noted for our hospitality.

- Can I help you?
- Was I right?

Was I right when I told you the
bigger they are the nicer they are?

Sir, can you tell me
who this young lady is?

- Oh you're looking for her?
- Yes.

Front, front - throw
this troublemaker out.

What's going on?

I could sue them for
damaging Government property.

Sarge, what are
you gonna do now?

I'm gonna get back in that hotel,
I have a feeling she's in there.

But you can't go back
there, they'll throw you out.

Yeah, you forget Bilko, the
man with a thousand faces?

Come on with me.

Mr. Stone, here are those
announcements for the dance contest.

Miss Hodges, you just
missed him, he was here.

Who was here?

That obnoxious fellow
you told me about.

He created quite a disturbance
over here, I had him thrown out.

I was afraid he'd try
something like this.

Yeah, it's a disgrace
for an America soldier

to behave like that in public.
- A soldier?

Yes with glasses
and a big loud mouth.

I can see why you wouldn't
want anything to do with him.

A soldier, you
made a big mistake.

Ira isn't a soldier.
He's a businessman.

- You threw out the wrong person.
- Oh my goodness.

I guess it's my fault.

I didn't really give you an
accurate enough description

of the man I'm trying to avoid.

Now he has a little
black moustache

and he always dresses
very conservatively

and he usually carries a
briefcase and an umbrella.

A moustache, a
briefcase and an umbrella.

Don't worry Miss Hodges.
He won't get past this desk.

Thanks so much.

Do you mind a
little service please?

- Yes Sir.
- I was wondering...

Don't stare, good heavens
man, I have a very busy schedule.

I'm terribly sorry
can I help you, Sir?

Do you mind terribly, I've
newly arrived in this country.

I did promise to give Mater
and Pater that while here

I'd try to look for a
lost relative of ours.

Something about a fox
hunt, and she fell off a horse.

Deucedly thing! Got
amnesia... some bally rot!

I've got a picture here of the dear
girl, perhaps you... could help me?

And you're
looking for this girl?

- I'll be ever be so grateful.
- I think I can help you.

Front! Front!
Throw this man out.

- Did she come out yet?
- Not yet.

Hey Sarge, you look great.

You think it will work?

How can it miss, I just wait
here for a guest and check in.

I take his bag and
I'm back in the hotel.

Hey Sarge, look,
there's a car driving up.

Good, beat, beat it.

Well, welcome to the Mark Hopkins
Hotel, Sir, may I take your bag.

Right this way, Sir.

Sir, do you have a reservation?

No but I'm only staying a night.

I think we can accommodate
you if you'll just sign there.

By the way I was looking
for a certain young lady

and I just happen to
have a snapshot here.

Could you tell me
where I can find this girl?

Front, throw this man out.

- What is this?
- I don't know buddy.

It must be the
policy of the house.

- Take your hands off me.
- What's the meaning of this?

I'm Ira Cottsworth of the
Cottsworth publications.

And believe me, our
newspapers will hear about this.

I'm terribly sorry, Sir,
but Miss Hodges...

Miss Hodges happens
to be my fiancée.

Your fiancé? Should
I throw him out, Sir?

Take your hands
off Mr. Cottsworth.

Please don't
blame the hotel, Sir,

but Miss Hodges
left strict orders.

However, I'm sure she
didn't mean her fiancée.

- Certainly not.
- Where is she?

She's in the dance
studio on the mezzanine.

She's one of our instructors.

A dancing teacher.

Good heavens, if mother
ever heard about it.

Well, listen to your mother.
Your mother is always right.

Sarge, Sarge, did you find her?

Sure I found her, but the guy
she's gonna marry found her first.

Ah, she found
another fella, huh?

What did I tell you,
they're all no good.

Oh shut up, you
at least got to see

the girl that
you're in love with.

Come on, Sarge,
forget about her.

Yeah, Ernie, let's
get back to the post.

Yeah, we might as well.

What happened to me?
I must have gone nutty.

By tomorrow this
will all be a memory.

- Sure.
- Come on.

I can't say I didn't try.

What dance floor?

- Ernie.
- Sarge.

I just can't tell you
how shocked I am

to find you working
in a dancing studio.

So you've been telling
me for the last 20 minutes.

Ira, there's nothing wrong in
teaching people how to dance.

There is for the future
wife of Ira Cottsworth.

What will my friends think?

I don't care what your
snobbish friends say,

because I'm not going to
be the future Mrs. Cottsworth.

There she is.

Gee, to think she was in
the dance studio all this time.

Yeah, she's even
prettier than her picture.

Sarge, Sarge, stop
torturing yourself, huh.

I just wanted one last look.

You're a pest, I've told you a
100 times, stop pestering me.

Now, Ira, I'm not
going to marry you.

Well you can't mean that?

I certainly do and, Ira, I
wanna tell you goodbye.

Now they're holding hands,

next thing you know
they'll be kissing.

I don't want to see it, come on.

You mean, Ellen, that
you and I are through?

I certainly do, goodbye Ira.

Very well if that's
the way you want it.

Oh, mother was so right.

Mezzanine going down.

Hold it, look who we've got
here, Billy the Kid of the elevators.

Get out those $18 or I'll
bounce this on your head.

- Come on.
- I was only kidding.

- Sure, you were only kidding.
- Down, going down.

Hey, Sarge, ain't
that the lucky guy?

Yeah, he's probably rushing
out to get an apartment.

Congratulations, Sir, I
hope you and Miss Hodges

will be very happy.

Happy? What are
you talking about?

About your forthcoming marriage.

Listen, if you want
a military wedding,

I can pull a few strings.

There's not going
to be any wedding.

Miss Hodges and I are through.

You mean she turned you down?

- Hey take me up, up.
- I'm going down.

No, he's going
down, I'm going up.

Do you understand?
Up, up, come on.

Wait a minute, please, I need
an emergency dance lesson.

You must help me learn how
to dance, it's an emergency.

Oh well, I'm sorry
we're closed now.

Couldn't you come back tomorrow?

You don't understand,
you see, I've been elected

Soldier Of The Year and
they're throwing this big dance

in my honor and I must learn
how to dance by tomorrow.

Oh, I don't think I could teach
you how to dance in just one night.

Well, maybe together,
we could try, I mean

if I don't learn how to dance,
who's gonna be hurt. Please?

All right, well what is it
that you wanted to learn,

a Waltz, a Fox Trot, what?

Let's start with the Minuet

and work our way
up through the years.

I think the Fox
Step would be good.

All right, anything just
so I can get the rhythm.

Now look, it's very easy.

1,2,3,4, that's right.

Now watch my feet,
it's easier that way.

- Yes - 1, 2,

No, let's start all
over again 1, 2, 3.

2, 1, which comes
first the 2 or the 1.

1, 2, 3, 4.

Well isn't there a dance
where you hold yourself close?

Yes, that's the way
you do most dancing.

And doesn't the girl sometimes
put her head on your shoulder

and you get really close?

Yes she does. Oh my!

I had no idea it was that late.

Couldn't you really
come back tomorrow?

- Tomorrow?
- Yes.

- Tomorrow?
- Well all right.

We'll start real early and
spend the whole day learning.

No, any time after
1:00 o'clock tomorrow.

1:00 o’clock? All
right, 1:00 o'clock.

I'll be here, and I won't breathe
until 1:00 o'clock tomorrow.

Soldier, wait a minute.

Give me the front desk.
Mr. Stone, a soldier just left here,

he'll be coming through
the lobby any minute.

Would you hold him for me?

Of course Miss Hodges,
I'll be only too happy to.

Oh yes I know him.

No hard feeling sonny, here.

Oh, here he comes now.

Soldier! Soldier! I
was just dancing.

Hey, you, you! Front!

- What?
- Front get him.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Elliott Reid as Ira.
Hildy Parks as Ellen.

Paul Lynde as the desk clerk.

Eddy Bruce as the elevator boy.

Horace McMahon
as Detective Sullivan.

Carroll Saint as
Detective Spencer.

And Eddie Hanley
as the Bell Hop.