The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 4, Episode 6 - Bilko Joins the Navy - full transcript

(barking orders)

Well, Brigitte, where
are the soldiers?

Keep your lipstick on, Mame.

They're coming all the
way from Camp Fremont.

Myrna Duval, going
out with a soldier.

What'll people think?

Well, come on, let’s
grab some fresh war paint

before the battle starts.

- Yeah.
- Nothing's gonna help me.

I just wanna eat something
like a big fat steak.

Where are the girls? The girls!



Remember our plan, one
hamburger for each couple,

that way we'll make
it a long evening.

Gee, Sarge, I hope the
girls are good looking.

Will you trust me, I
tell you that number

I found on the phone
booth had 4 stars next to it.

And when a sailor puts 4
stars next to a girl's number,

that ain't for perfect
attendance, what, what.

Sarge, how do you
think her friends will be?

Who are Ava
Gardner's best friends?

Marilyn Monroe and Kim Novak.

I tell you, beauties
travel in packs.

I'm glad I chose you
2, you've got class.

- You've got savoir faire.
- Thanks, Sarge.

I thought you took us because
we were the only 2 guys



left in the camp with money.

Thank you very much, Zimmerman.

If you intended to cut
me you certainly did.

This is the thanks you give me?

I arrange 3 great dates, I
get you weekend passes.

This is the way you
show your gratitude?

I'm sorry, Sir.

Never mind, but did
you bring the money?

- If you call 3 bucks money.
- How about you, Dino?

- $4 how about you, Sarge?
- The phone call tapped me out.

Gee, just 7 bucks for 6 people.

Don't you worry about it, pal.

We may only have $7 in cash

but we've got a
$1 million in charm.

And if we work this right, we can
get back to camp with change yet.

- Hey, Sarge, this place is deserted.
- Of course, the fleet's out.

You know what they say?
When the sailors are away

the soldiers will play, what?

Sarge, here come 3
girls. I hope that's them.

Wow wee wow, I like 'em all.

Over here, sit down.
Please, one girl a piece.

This is no smorgasbord.

I'll do all the talking, up, up.

You are the soldiers, I presume.

Oh, it's true, it's
true what they say,

all the pretty girls
are in San Diego.

Oh, you.

Whom of you gentlemen found
my number in the phone booth?

It was I, Ernest G Bilko,

and you are Brigitte
Hepplewhite?

Likewise, and these
are my companions,

this is Mame Furillo
and Myrna Duval.

Splendid, splendid, how are you?

May I present two of
society's naughtiest play boys,

Dino Paparelli and
Fielding Zimmerman.

Ladies, shall we?

- Put it down, Myrna.
- Oh, ok.

I don't know where
he gets that language,

he came right from
Harvard into the Army.

I'm standing, a
Sergeant is standing.

Here we are... Zimmerman...

Tiger, what's wrong?
You don't stand.

- Well, we're all here.
- Boy, could I go for a steak.

A steak? A steak in San Diego?

- Did you hear that, Dino?
- Yeah.

My dear, aren't you aware
of the gourmet's golden rule?

Never have oysters in a
month without an R in it,

and never eat
steak in San Diego.

Are we gonna eat or
are you gonna talk?

Eat, eat, well if everybody
is hungry, waiter, waiter!

I'm starving!

- What'll you have?
- Well, I'll have...

Hold it, my dear, I'm the host,

please, I'll do
the ordering here.

We want something very
special, you better write this down,

so we get it all correct
the way we want it.

Now, your Chef he is union?

Union, so he'll
understand the instructions.

All right, I want you to get
me a pound of your finest beef,

then grind this beef
into fine, fine texture,

garnish it with various spices,

and little garlics and
chippy, chippy onions.

You understand?
And then form them

into little individual patties.

Put them under a
low flame, simmer,

and when they come to
the proper grilling point,

put them on individual little
buns and bring them to us.

Hey, that's hamburger.

Is that what it is? I could
never think of the name.

Yes, 3 hamburgers
with the works.

Hey, look, there's the girls.

Brigitte, baby, look
whose home again?

- Larry!
- Joe!

Hey, Sarge, I think we're
finished, the fleet's in.

Oh, relax, she's just
saying hello to an old friend.

Oh Brigitte, oh
Brigitte, Din-din is here.

Brigitte.

Oh, gee Larry, you look great.

Yes, he does have a nice tan.

Now look, Brigitte, on
your burger do you want...

What a break honey, our
maneuvers were cut short all week.

- Are you doing anything tonight?
- Not a thing.

- What about these 3 creeps?
- Creeps.

- What a minute?
- Looking for trouble soldier?

You're lucky, sailor, 'cause
I got 2 more weeks to go

to get my good conduct medal.

Yeah, come on baby,
let’s blow this joint.

I got 2 months’ pay
bursting all in my pocket.

Let's all go someplace and
get a great big juicy steak.

A steak, I'm with you.

- Me too.
- Me too.

Sarge, are you
gonna stand around

and let those
sailors take our girls?

Are you nuts? This
joint is full of sailors.

We start anything here,
they'll use us for anchors.

What do we do now, Sarge?

What do we do now,
you know what they say?

When the cat comes home,
the mice crawl back in the hole.

I'll call the bus depot
and see if we can get

the next bus back to Grove City.

Dime, dime, dime.

Will you get me the
bus depot, please.

- Hi, Bert?
- Hey, Freddie what'll it be?

Drinks for everybody, Bert.

What time does the next bus
leave for the Grove City, please?

What's with the drinks
for everybody, Freddie?

Yes it'll be 3 of us.

I am in the chips
again. I just won $250.

The next bus leaves at $250?

Where did you win this
kind of money, Freddie?

In the big crap game.

You have another bus
leaving for the big crap game?

It's the biggest
game of the year,

one guy won over 800 bucks.

Oh yeah, you've got room for
us. Oh yeah, there'll be 800 of us.

The game is all weekend.

Will you just hold it
just a minute, please?

- Did you say all weekend?
- Yeah.

Is there a bus leaving
Monday morning?

Well, never mind,
thanks for your time.

Come on, Sarge,
when are we leaving?

- We're not leaving.
- What do you mean?

The biggest crap game
since Admiral Dewey

came back from Manila is
going on in this town right now.

But we only got 7 bucks.

$7, see, we're luck already.

This is our chance to
get back at the Navy.

- All right, where's the game.
- This sailor right here knows.

We'll ask him, come on.

Sailor, could you... oh,
bartender, excuse me a minute.

A sailor was just here,
very good friend of mine.

He invited me to the crap
game, do you know where it is?

Don't ask me, buddy,

when there's that much
money floating around

the game is top secret.

Yeah.

Hi you there, mate.
Let me buy you a drink.

Is the game same
place it was last year?

How could it be, last
year it was in Honolulu?

Oh yeah, that's right.
Well where is it this year?

I don't know, I only got $50.
They wouldn't even talk to me.

Did you hear that?
He got 50 bucks

and they wouldn't
even talk to him.

I'm telling you, I've
got to be in that game.

- Darn old crap game?
- Aha, a loser, come on.

Hey, Bert, can I have
a drink on the cuff?

On the cuff, you've
been away for 3 months,

what happened to all your pay?

I blew it in 2 rolls. How
can I be such a jerk?

Excuse me, pal, I couldn't
help hearing your unfortunate...

let me buy you a drink.

What a jerk, 3 months'
pay down the drain.

Down the drain, is that
where the game was,

in the sewer down the drain?

- Why, why did I ever go there?
- Go where, where were you?

Why where.

I'm walking down the street,
suddenly one of my buddies says

let's go to the bowling alley.

Bowling alley that's
it, wait a minute.

Which bowling alley?

But do I go to the
bowling alley? No.

- No, you didn't.
- I had to go to...

Buddy, could you cry a
little clearer I didn't hear that.

- Oh, I've learned my lesson.
- Yeah, but I wanna learn my lesson.

Where, where is the game?

Never again, this has
happened to me for the last time.

What am I gonna tell my wife?

Well, just walk in and lay it
on the table and say honey,

I blew all of my money
at the crap game

and then tell her
the name of the...

you wanna save your
marriage, don't you?

Where was the game, where?

Hey, Eddie, I've been
looking all over for you.

Here's that 100 bucks I owe you.

- 100 bucks.
- I can get back in the game!

Follow that sailor.

Sarge, where are you going?

This time our ship is
coming in, come on.

- You're back again?
- And I got fresh loot.

Come on in.

Did you hear that, Sarge,
he gave a secret knock?

Don't worry, the
tape recorder was on.

I got it, oh, this is what I
always dreamed about,

a warehouse full of money.

- What do you want, soldier?
- Hey, pal, I'm playing in the game.

I've got plenty of loot
here, let's get going.

This is a Navy game,
buddy, shove off.

Wait, wait a minute,
we play football together,

why not an Army
and Navy crap game?

Tell it to the Chief of Staff.

Beat it!

Smell that? Did you get a
whiff of that green in there?

I'm telling you, I've
got to get in there!

Forget it, Sarge, you
haven't got a chance.

Look, as long as there's a brain
in this head, breath in this body,

and greed in this heart, there's
always a chance, come on.

Sarge, this is crazy, let's
get out of here, Sarge.

Will you stop calling me
Sarge? From now on it's Chief.

Ok, Chief, but if they
find out you're a Sarge

we'll get 20 years.

Will you relax?
It's just for an hour.

Just long enough
to make a killing

and then it's back to
Sam's Army and Navy store

and then back in
our own uniforms.

Let me handle this. Here goes.

What do you want?

Hiya mate, we just blew into
port, looking for a little action

and we've got plenty of that
sea weed with numbers on it.

Haven't I seen you before?

It's possible, most
of us on the Nautilus

were seen on TV, news
reels, ticker tape parades.

The Nautilus?

Shh, I don't want
them to hear it in there.

You know what I mean,
they'll start cheering

and breaking up the game.

What do you say, mate?

- Ok, Chief.
- Ok, mates.

Hiya, Sarge.

Hey, what's his point?

- 5.
- A $5 he won't make it.

- You're on, Chief.
- Ok.

- 7.
- I lose.

- 5, 5.
- Whose roll?

My dice, I was waiting
here and now the old me.

Here we go, you wanted action.

This is it, I will go
easy on you, boys.

I'll shoot 5.

- I got 200.
- I got the other 300.

500?

Hey, Chief, you only
got a $5 bill on the deck.

Oh, well, it must be
these glasses by mistake,

well, we'll just shoot the $5.

Go ahead, shoot the
$500, we'll trust you!

- Yeah, go on.
- Sure, we trust you.

You're Navy, be good to daddy,

or daddy will need
a new set of teeth.

4.

Start sweating, Chief,
it's a tough point.

4, they will hang
us by our thumbs.

They'll bury us at sea.

Here we go, 1, 2, 3, 4,
what's the point that I adore,

and it is a... 4.

He made it, he made
it. We're rich, rich!

I'm hot tonight, all right
boys, up the ante shoot, $505.

All right, coming
off in new rollers,

come on dice, you be good
to me, Daddy'll be good to you

and here it is and it is a 7.

He made it, he made
it! 8 straight passes.

One more roll and
I'll buy my own ship.

I'll open my own Navy,
oh boys, shooting it.

- What have you got.
- I got 200.

50, 50 wait a minute, 50 open.

Broke again, what am
I gonna tell my wife?

- Here, go home to your wife.
- You faded.

All right, coming out,
here it is, and it is a 5.

I'll take 3 to 2.

Nobody move, this is a raid.

Line up against that wall.

Well, gentlemen, you
got here just in time,

I have the evidence right here.

Skip the fast talk, Chief,

what are you doing
with all that money?

Well, you see, I'm
the payroll clerk,

and I seemed to have
missed a few fellas.

I was... there they
are, Seaman Paparelli,

you have back pay coming
up, $1800 and there it is.

And you, frogman Zimmerman,
for heroism underwater

the Navy is proud to award
you this bonus of $2,500.

- That closes my ledger.
- Pay day was yesterday, Chief.

We'll take that money, grab it.

Wait a minute, what do
you mean take their money?

Admiral's orders,
all money confiscated

in gambling raids
goes to Navy relief.

Ok, sailor, let's have
your name and shifts.

Sarge, if they find out we're
soldiers we'll get 20 years.

You get 40 years, 20
years for each service.

- What's your name, sailor?
- Papa, papa, papa,

It's all right, he's one of
my men, I'll vouch for him.

Let Papa speak for himself,
what ship are you on, Papa?

- Ship? I'm with the uuu.
- Uuu what?

- Zimmerman what ship are we on?

We're with the USSS.
- SS what? What?

Chief, what ship are we with?

Yeah, Chief, what
ship are you with?

See, we're on the board
on this ship, we were...

we were between ships.

You see, the grand old
vessel we served under

has been put up in mothballs.

Oh, the USS Wilson.

Don't say that name,
it tugs right at my heart.

I've been looking for you guys.

All personnel from the Wilson

have been transferred
to the Saratoga.

Did you hear that shipmates?

We've been transferred
to the Saratoga.

I guess they want us to
report aboard Monday morning,

7 bells sharp.

No, they want you
aboard right now.

Take the rest of these guys
down to shore patrol headquarters.

You three come with me.

Hey, Sarge, they're
gonna put us on a boat.

We've got to change
back to our uniforms.

Oh, shore patrol
on our way over,

I suppose we can pass
Sam's Army and Navy Store.

- They have a sale of compasses.
- Come on, let's go, let's go.

You heard him, let's go.

- What am I gonna tell my wife?
- Get out of here.

Excuse me, Sir, we rounded
up 3 more men from the Wilson.

We caught them in
a gambling raid, Sir.

Oh, gambling eh? Well, maybe
they got away with that on the Wilson,

but not on my ship.

- Bring them in.
- Aye, aye, Sir.

In here, the Captain
wants to see you.

Oh, so you men were
caught gambling, eh?

Well, you certainly ought to
know better than that, Chief.

When did you join
the Navy, yesterday?

- Yes, Sir.
- What?

No, Sir.

Well, what have you
got to say for yourself?

Oh, I'm so ashamed, Sir,
I just can't stop gambling.

Throw me off the ship
before I give it a bad name,

which way is the gangplank?

Just a minute, Chief. Now
ordinarily I'd throw the book

at you for gambling.

But since you men of the Wilson

just came back from
4 months of sea duty,

and are about to go
out for 6 more months,

I'll overlook it this time.

- 6 Months?
- 6 months!

- But I only got a 3 day pass.
- What was that?

Oh, he said he's been 3
years before the mast, Sir.

I think he's had too
much sea duties, Sir

get rid of him.

Really? What's
your name, sailor?

Papa, Papa.

I'm very sorry, Papa,
but you've gonna have

to ship out for another cruise.

Oh, in that case,
Sir we'll have to say

goodbye to our loved ones.

I think there's a phone in
Sam's Army and Navy Store.

Reporting from the
bridge, we're under way.

- What's our speed?
- 10 knots, Sir.

Very good, as soon
as we clear the harbour

increase it to 15 knots.
- Aye, aye, Sir.

Clear the harbour?
That means we're at sea.

Clear, what... what did you say?

Why you, oh Sir, how...
oh you fool! How could you.

Sir, this man has been tinkering
with the security of our gov...

- What's wrong?
- Why, he spoke at a bar, Sir.

They know where
we're going, Sir.

You know what the posters
say, loose lips sink ships, Sir.

You better turn
around to the land.

Don't be ridiculous.

Oh, look at that, through
the porthole I see a periscope

so you better zig zag back.
- Now, that's enough!

You men get below to the
galley where you belong

and starting
preparing breakfast.

The galley, Sir?

Well, unless they lied
to me at Annapolis,

those insignias you're
wearing on your arms

means that you're stewards
don't they? Now get below.

Yes, Sir.

Oh Sir, how many
for breakfast? 1,800.

Eggs, I forgot to
pick up the eggs,

so you'll have to put my
men and I back in a tender,

let's get back to shore.

- Now get below!
- Below!

Now hear this, duty
engineer report to the bridge.

Other guys go AWOL, they
go to New York, Miami Beach,

this is probably the first time
anyone went AWOL to the Navy.

Keep squeezing, I'm
thinking, I'm thinking.

Chief, taste this oatmeal,
I want to make sure it's ok.

I don't want any men
to get sick like last time.

You've gotta worry about
everything on this ship.

You call this oatmeal?
Gimme oatmeal with lumps in it.

Lumps, go on,
move it. Get sick...

Sick, sick, that's it. That's
how we get out of here.

- Sick.
- Who's sick?

- He's sick.
- I'm just homesick, Sarge, that's all

You don't understand,
I wanna get you home

but first you've gotta
be sick... very sick.

How sick am I?

Oh I'm afraid you're
gonna need an operation

and they'll have to
fly you back to port.

Once we get back to port
it's a short ambulance ride

to Sam's Army and Navy Store.

How about us?

We've got to go along
with him, you know why?

You're his blood type
and when he's in a coma,

he keeps yelling for
me, remember that.

They wouldn't dare separate us.

Great! What kind of an
operation am I gonna have, Sarge?

Yeah, how about your tonsils

- I had them out.
- Adenoids?

- I had them out?
- What you got left?

Everything I need.

- Appendix.
- My appendix?

Yeah sure, they don't operate.

Once we get back to
port you suddenly recover.

Officer.

Where, where does
it hurt you, sailor?

- Does it hurt there?
- Ow!

- Right there.
- Ow!

- I was afraid of that... appendicitis.
- What's the trouble, Chief?

Oh, Sir, this man has had a sudden
attack of acute appendicitis, Sir.

Appendicitis? He might
have to be operated on.

Yes Sir, I'll go up
to the flight deck

and have them
warm up a plane, Sir.

Ernie! Ernie!

Don't worry, sailor
I won't leave you.

He sounds pretty sick.

Yes, I'm afraid so,
Sir, on the plane

we'll have to arrange
for a blood transfusion.

I hope you can find
his blood type B.

Does anyone on this
ship have blood type B?

Oh, I have blood type B, Sir.

You do? You'll have to come
along with us, sailor. Grab his legs.

Which way to the
flight deck, Sir?

Never mind the flight deck,
get this man right to the sick bay.

We have facilities to
operate here on the ship.

- The pain is moving.
- Oh, yes, where is it

- Here.
- Higher.

- Here.
- Yes, Sir.

Oh, it's just a severe headache,

I'll give you a
couple of aspirins,

you'll be right back to
squeezing the oranges.

So you have facilities to
operate right on the ship, Sir?

- Carry on.
- Yes thank you, Sir.

- Keep squeezing.
- No more operations, Sarge.

I'm thinking. I'm thinking.

Ok, come on, come on.

I'm not gonna do it,
Sarge. I'm not gonna do it.

I'm telling you,
this is a safe plan.

For you it's safe, for me
it's wet and dangerous.

All you do is jump over, we'll
never take our eyes off you.

We yell man overboard.

They'll order a row boat in after
you, we keep rowing after you

you keep swimming,
first thing you know

we're in Sam's Army
and Navy Store drying off.

Why do I have to do it?

What are you complaining
about? I already had appendicitis.

- That's right.
- All right, which way is shore?

That way, to your
right is San Diego,

to your left is Hawaii.

Be sure you swim to the right.

1, 2...

Wait a minute, Sarge, I
hear someone coming.

Oh well, sailor,
remember, a life jacket

is a seaman's best friend.

The maintenance of
the... oh, how do you, Sir?

I'm just instructing the
men in life jacket drill, Sir.

- Oh, very well carry on.
- Splendid.

Captain, we are all prepared
for Operation Frogman.

I can have a 100 men
in the water in 5 minutes.

No, I'm afraid you're gonna
have to cancel it, Lt. Larsen.

I've just had a report that a
huge school of Tiger sharks

have been sighted in these waters.
- Tiger sharks.

They can tear a man to
pieces in a matter of minutes.

Come along.

All right, all right come
down, Zimmerman.

I'll think of something
else. Come down.

1,800 dumplings.

Maybe we don't have to
worry about getting back.

This meal will sink the ship.

Keep working, I'm
thinking, I'm thinking.

- Ten-shun!
- Carry on.

Thank you, Sir.

Oh, Chief, I would like to ask
a very special favour of you.

Anything, Sir.

Well, you see, this happens to
be the first time that my Wife and I

have been separated on
our Wedding Anniversary.

Oh, that's too bad, Sir... Oh, I
know what would be fun, Sir.

Why don't you turn
the ship right around

and go back and
surprise her, Sir?

I only wish that I could, Chief.

However, we've always managed
to top off our anniversary meal

with a very special
dessert that she makes.

Oh, I will speak to the
pastries chef tonight, Sir.

Oh, he won't find it in
any of the cook books.

I promise you that. My
wife calls it a Teddy Bear.

Teddy bear, it
sounds delicious, Sir.

It is, it is really.

It's a sort of a baked Alaska
with chocolate sauce all over it.

Oh well, Sir, I'll see that you
have it for dinner tonight, Sir,

and Happy Anniversary.

Thank you, Chief. Thank
you. I certainly appreciate that.

My, my, my that
certainly looks good.

- What's... oh my thumb.
- Did you burn your thumb, Sir?

Would you like
some butter on it?

No, no... it's all
right. It's all right.

Come here. I've
got it. I've got it.

What, Sarge, what have you got?

The recipe for getting
us back to San Diego.

How? How?

I've seen it in the
movies, The Caine Mutiny.

This one officer tries to
convince this Lieutenant

that the Captain
is off his course.

He does convince him.

So the Lieutenant
takes over the boat

and sails it right
back home again.

Throw me to the
sharks, it's safer.

Sarge, how are you gonna
convince the Lieutenant

that the Captain is nuts?

Look, I don't want to tell
the same pathetic story twice.

I'll wait till Lt.
Larsen gets here.

Ah, you men, these dumplings
look a little heavy to me.

I want the men to have
light fluffy dumplings.

Now, what is this big
emergency about, Chief?

There's that macaroni and
cheese for tonight's dinner

- get to work on it right away.
- Aye, aye Sir.

- Sir, where's the Captain?
- He's on the bridge.

Good heavens he's not
steering the ship, is he, Sir?

Of course he is. Now
what's this all about?

Well, Sir, perhaps
it's unimportant,

perhaps the
incident is just trivial.

I shouldn't have
brought it up, Sir.

- What incident?
- The teddy bear incident, Sir.

Make sense, Chief.
What teddy bear?

The one the Captain
keeps asking for, Sir.

Oh, I could bite my tongue
for bringing this up, Sir.

Perhaps it's unimportant,
I... I'll work with you men

on that macaroni and cheese.

Just a minute, Chief.

The Captain asked
for a Teddy Bear?

- Yes, Sir.
- Are you sure you heard him right?

Sir, when the Captain of your
ship asks for a Teddy Bear, Sir,

you listen carefully.

Did he say why he
wanted the Teddy Bear?

Oh, I'm sure he has
some explanation, Sir,

not like that Capt. Queeg
of the Caine mutiny.

Him with that fuss
about the strawberries.

Oh, he was a dilly, Sir.

Did he have any kind of
particular look on his face

when he asked
for the Teddy Bear?

No, just like any 6 year old
boy who wants his Teddy Bear,

you know, eyes
wide full of hope.

And then there was
this other thing, Sir.

What other thing?

Well, after he asked
for his Teddy Bear, Sir,

he kept sucking his thumb.

Sucking his thumb?

Capt. Spencer?
It's hard to believe.

- I know, Sir, but...
- Oh, Chief...

Thank heavens
he's off the bridge.

Yes, Sir?

Chief, I'm a
little tired tonight,

I thought I'd turn
in a little early,

I was wondering could I
have my Teddy Bear now?

Yes of course, Sir.

I didn't want to go
to sleep without it.

Yes, Sir, you will have it in
your cabin immediately, Sir.

I'll be waiting.

Oh, Lieutenant, did the Chief
tell you about the Teddy Bear?

Yes, he did, Sir.

I suppose I sound like a
sentimental old fool don't I?

Not at all, Sir.

And how is your thumb, Sir?

Thumb. Oh, it's all right.

Well, you saw yourself,
I hope we're not too late.

But what can I do?

Well, Sir, I hate to say this,
but according to Naval Law

you should take over the ship

and sail us right
back home again, Sir.

But that's mutiny.

Well, Sir, it's either mutiny
or Captain Teddy Bear

takes over the wheel.
- I gotta think this over.

Oh, Lieutenant, I almost forgot.
Will you report to my quarters

at once, please,
we've reached point X.

It's time for us to
open our sealed orders.

You better work fast Sir.

And, Chief, would
you please bring

another plate with
you to my quarters

I want the Lieutenant
to taste the Teddy Bear.

Taste it?

Yes, it's Baked Alaska with
chocolate sauce all over it.

My wife makes
it, you'll love it.

You know that thumb
of mine still burns?

- Yes, Sir.
- Chief.

I knew that there was
an explanation all the time

but you kept raising doubts.

I'll help you with
that macaroni, men.

Sarge, you mean
we're just gonna go in

and tell the Captain
we're soldiers?

Look, we can't stay on
this ship for 6 months.

We just gotta take
what's coming to us.

- That's all.
- I hope we're all in the same jail.

It's a fine parlay
this has been, huh?

From Army khaki to
Navy blue to prison gray.

Well, here it goes.

Yes, come in.

Oh, you wanted to see me, Chief?

Yes, Sir. We have a
confession to make, Sir.

Confession? What is it?

Well, Sir, we're proud to be
members of the Armed Forces

serving side by
side, that is, Sir,

a man in the service
is a serviceman

whether he's in the
Army or the Navy, Sir.

It's a very interesting
philosophy, of course,

but what has it
got to do with you?

A lot, Sir, I was
just thinking, Sir,

why couldn't there be one
service and that way a man

can be in the Army
and in the Navy, Sir?

No, no, impossible. It
would be never work.

Oh, but it did, I mean
it would, it would, Sir.

Just what is it
you're trying to say?

Well, Sir, I'll lay
it on the table, Sir.

My men and I are...

I beg your pardon, Sir,
but we're in San Francisco.

San Francisco?

Well, you seem
pleasantly surprised, Chief.

Yes, Sir, - Our first stop
on our way to Alaska.

Alaska?

Don't worry, all of the
men are going to get

36 hrs liberty in San Francisco.

Now then, what was it
you wanted to tell me?

Tell you, Sir? Oh,
oh, it's just that

it's been a pleasure
serving under you, Sir.

It's like being in the
Navy for the first time, Sir.

Well, thank you very
much, Chief, thank you.

And have a good
time in port, men.

Thank you, Sir, and until we
meet again, Sir, we salute you.

For the Captain, hip hip
hooray, hip hip hooray!

What time's the next bus
to Grove City? Thank you.

We'll be back in
camp in plenty of time.

Boy, it's good to be back in
this old Army uniform again.

Hey, Sarge, there's a Sam's
Army and Navy Store in every port.

Look, we've got 3 and half
hours to kill in San Francisco.

What do you want to do?
You wanna see a movie?

Hey, Frank, there's a
big crap game in town.

Yeah, the Saratoga just
pulled in, bring the loot.

Did you hear that?
Hey where's the game?

Sarge, not again.
We'll wind up in Alaska.

Hold me. Hold me.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Walter Greaza as Capt. Spencer.

Larry Douglas as Lt. Larson.

Jean Carson as Bridgett.

Marian Colby as Myrna.

Jeri Archer as Mame.

Larry Storch as
the crying sailor.

And Dick Everhart, as
the Sailor at the Door.