The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 4, Episode 8 - Bilko and the Crosby's - full transcript

(barking orders)

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Come in.

Col. Hall? There's Pvt.
Crosby outside to see you.

- Oh, send him in.
- Right this way.

Pvt. Lindsay Crosby
reporting for duty, Sir.

At ease, Pvt. Crosby.
Crosby? Crosby?

Say, you're not ah...

I'm afraid I am, Sir.

Well what do you know?

Major Vernon Crosby's
son from Fort Huston.



How is Vern?

No, Sir, my father's
Bing Crosby.

Oh, that's too bad.

You know, Vern and
I were... Bing Crosby?

- Yes, Sir.
- Wow.

Whadda ya know?

You know my wife and I
certainly admire your Father's work.

Thank you very much, Sir.

Well, let's see what
your assignment is.

Oh no, not that.

Is there anything
the matter, Sir?

You're assigned to
Camp Fremont Motor Pool.

Why yes, Sir, I
requested that duty.

You requested
it? Then cancel it.



You didn't know
what you were doing.

You can't go to the motor pool.

But why not, Sir?

Sgt. Bilko, that's why not.

Putting you in Bilko's
platoon is like putting

the Hope Diamond in
Willie Suttons's mailbox.

You mean he'll try
to take advantage?

Take advantage? He'll
hold you for ransom.

Oh, I've ran into
that type of person.

You may have met the type,
but you never met their President.

Thank you very much
for the warning, Sir.

I'll be very careful.

There he goes
into the underworld.

I wonder if they can
arrest me as an accomplice.

Are you satisfied?

You flunked inspection and
now there's no weekend pass,

restricted to barracks.

- We all got passes, Sarge.
- Who cares about you?

I'm restricted to barracks.

Why? Why? Because one
little bed wasn't made up.

But it was your bed, Sarge.

Yeah, but who's supposed
to take care of my bed?

- I was, Sarge.
- Yeah, but you didn't, did you?

What were you doing instead?

I was making my own bed, Sarge.

You think of number one pretty
good, don't you, Doberman?

Oh, the injustice of it all.

That's tough, Sarge,
why don't you hire a maid?

Huh, I got you. I knew
he was gonna say that.

Ok, pal, I got you
made pretty good now.

Go on, have your weekend pass.

Have fun, but when you
come back, come back rested,

because I'm gonna
push you real good, pal.

And the rest of you
miserable creeps.

- Sgt., Sgt. Bilko?
- Who's talking when I'm talking?

- Who talked?
- I did, Sergeant.

Oh, shut up, can't
you see I'm busy here?

All I need is a loud mouth kid.
Now look you miserable creeps...

But Sir, I was to report to you.

He did it again.
He did it again.

All right, kid, I'm warning you.

Once I get down on
you, your life could be

pretty miserable around here.

But Sir, I'm the new
replacement for the Motor Pool.

You're the new... oh goody, we've
got a replacement for the motor pool.

Isn't that great? Look
what they sent me.

Tots, infants, what are you
gonna do in the Motor Pool?

Work the kiddie cars?

I'll do my best. Sergeant,
where's my bunk?

In the furnace room,
but before you go there

get into my room,
make up the bed.

You see some shoes, shine every
pair of shoes, press my clothes,

and one of my buttons
is missing out of my shirt,

take one of yours
and put it on my mine.

Do you understand that?

Just a minute, what's your name,

so I can make a
mental note of this?

Pvt. Lindsay Crosby.

Pvt. Lindsay Crosby, alright,
on the double, before you go

clean up these
barracks spanking clean.

Doberman, get him a
mop and a pail of water.

Fender, get him some shoe
polish and the rest of you creeps,

I'll... get an apron, huh?

I'm too tense, so let's go play a
little game of snooker, I'll relax.

Dismissed!

Sarge, don't you think you were
a little tough on that new kid?

What do you mean rough,

you saw the way he
kept interrupting me?

I'm gonna give him plenty
of work to do this weekend.

- Put his name down for KP.
- Right, Sarge.

- What was his name again?
- Crosby, Lindsay Crosby.

Crosby...?

Lindsay Crosby, isn't he...?

He's one of Bing Crosby's sons!

Will you? Will you?

My, the barracks
looks nice and clean.

You've done a grand job,
Crosby, take the rest of the day off.

Crosby? Crosby, you're...

Oh no, there'll be no fawning
around here, Paparelli.

Yes, remember that, you'll get
no special treatment, Crosby,

just because your Father is
Bing Crosby, the famous dancer.

Oh no, Sir, he's not a singer.

I don't care what he does,
you're just gonna be treated

like any other
soldier around here.

And that's just
the way I want it.

And that's the
way it's gonna be.

I've been in the Army a long
time, I don't impress easily.

You just give me a day's
work and that's all I want.

I need a good days work
and do it like any other soldier.

Before I get through with you,

you won't even know
what your own name is.

Am I yelling too
loud at you, kid?

Here's your mop
and pail, soldier.

Oh, isn't that cute?

Pvt. Doberman wants you
to see his mop and his pail.

We've seen it and he
wants you to see it, move it.

Now look...

Ok, sonny, here's
your shoe polish.

Oh, that's Pvt. Fender.
He's our camouflage expert.

He does a wonderful job.

He keeps this, now look
at it, bing, bam bam bum.

- Maybe this.
- Sarge.

Your camouflage, very good,
we'll see it some other time.

Move it, move. Now, about
your sleeping quarters.

Yeah, where is, where
is that furnace room?

Furnace room? Who said furnace?

You misunderstood,
I said furnished room.

I want to give you a room
with your own Hi-Fi set, TV,

air conditioning
and a contour chair.

Who's got a room like that?

I have. Rocco, put
a cot in my room.

- For the kid?
- No, for me, he'll sleep in the bed.

Oh, you'll love that. It's
one of those air formed jobs.

I think you should
have company in there,

like a brother or a father or
someone... will you? Will you?

Come in that room...

Oh, my back.

What's the matter, Dennis?
You ain't tired, are you?

We've only been working
since 6 o'clock this morning.

Well, at least we got
it easier than Lindsay.

He's probably been up since
5:00 cleaning out garbage cans.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, I
have here in my hand an Epistle

from Lindsay
Crosby, boy soldier.

Shall we open it up, men? See
what young Audie Murphy has to say?

Would you like that?

It's probably 5
pages of teardrops.

Come on, Gary, let's hear
what the poor boy has written.

Ready? "Dear peasants,
Beverly Hills was never like this.

I have just had
breakfast served to me,

or should I say brunch, since I
was not awakened until noon.

Noon? He must've
been up all night.

I never had it like
this in the Army before,

but since I have met Sgt. Bilko

life has been one champagne
supper after another."

I wonder what
Bilko's angle can be?

"Bilko thinks that although
Dad is a fine performer,

he hasn't been handled properly.

And you should hear the things
he says about Uncle Everett.

He has a million
ideas he would like

to discuss with Dad
personally on the golf course."

Is that angle enough for you?

The angliest, man,
what a conniver.

Bilko, Bilko, I've
heard that name before.

Didn't you used to go with
a girl once, a Ginger Bilko?

Well, that was Marilyn
Zilko and you went with her.

Oh, that's right.

Bilko, I've got it! It's
in the family album.

I know I saw that name in there.

Let's go up and check it out.

Hi, Linds, I didn't
wanna disturb you.

I just got these new
swatches of wall paper.

Whadda ya think? Don't you think

it'd brighten up the
room considerably..

Oh, in a minute, Sarge.

I just wanna finish this
letter I got from Gary.

Oh, you gotta a letter from
home? How is everybody?

Did your Dad like the
motion picture idea I had,

The Road To Camp Fremont?

- Hey, that's interesting.
- What? What's interesting?

Something I said?
Something I did for you?

Hey, Sarge, what was
your grandfather's name?

Grandfather? Felix Bilko.

Felix Bilko. How
do you like that?

You know he's in
our family album?

Hey, that means we're related!

Cousin Lindsay, take me home
with you for a festive family reunion.

No, no, Sarge we're not related.

It's just that my Great
Grandfather and your Grandfather

were in love with the same
woman, Maude Skinner.

Well, that means we're
closer than relatives.

Lindsay, take me home with you.

Look, look at this.
Here's a picture of Maude.

That's Maude's Mother
and Father with her.

You know, this picture was taken
the day my Great Grandfather,

Wilbur Crosby, came to propose.

Oh Wilbur, Wilbur,
stop being so nervous,

you're shaking the
pollen all over the floor.

You must've never known
how much it means to me

that you'd come down
with me today, Ernest.

I wouldn't be able to go
through with this myself.

Oh really, dear, dear boy.

What is a friend for after all?

All I want to see is
you happily married.

Incidentally, Wilbur, I have
a lovely engagement ring

I could let you have cheap.

It was only worn once
by a girl who was jilted.

I think we better wait on that,

I haven't been accepted
as yet, you know.

What are you worried about?

After all, the greatest
salesman in Spokane

is gonna speak for you.

Will you gentlemen
come in, please?

Of course, thank you, miss.

Well incidentally, Wilbur, I
have a lovely bedroom set

I could let you have
cheap, but that will wait.

Smile, smile. Yes, smile.

Hello, Wilbur. Hello, Maude.

Mr. and Mrs. Skinner, I'd like
you to meet my friend Felix Bilko.

How do you do all..Maude...

Maude? Why, Wilbur, why
didn't you say she was beautiful?

Good heavens, she's ravishing.

- Oh, Mr. Bilko.
- Oh, you know you are.

Mr. Skinner, always
a delight to say hello

to one of Spokane's
leading citizens.

And this, of course, good
heavens, it's Lillian Russell.

Oh why, Wilbur,
you never told me

your future Mother-
in-law was the famous star.

Oh, Mr. Bilko.

Maude, got these flowers
for you, picked 'em myself.

Yes, he did. I saw him
go into the hot house.

If you feel his coat,
you'll find it's still warm.

Oh, they're lovely, Wilbur.

Mr. Skinner, you ought
to be congratulated

on having a fine
Son-in-law like Wilbur.

Felix, I don't
think Mr. Skinner...

I agree with you, I don't think

we should postpone
this any longer.

Mr. Skinner, my
heartiest congratulations.

Congratulations,
Maude and Mother,

oh yes, I feel like crying too.

Thank you very much, Mr. Skinner.
Mr. Skinner, I wanna thank you.

Will you let go of my hand
please? I haven't said a word yet.

Now, I wanna know if you
can support my Daughter.

What do you do
for a living, Wilbur?

I, Sir, I'm a singer at
Fiebergessen's beer garden.

And a very fine
singer, Sir, lovely voice.

One note, Wilbur, just one note.

That's the note, Sir,
the very note that sent

Victor Herbert to his piano
to compose an operetta

for our boy Wilbur, here.

I always had hopes
that my daughter

would marry a professional
man, a doctor, or a lawyer.

Mr. Skinner, I don't
wish to differ with you

however, those are
unsecure professions.

Only a few moments
ago on this street corner,

a Doctor asked me for a nickel.

But a singer, Sir...

Excuse me, Mr. Skinner, but
a messenger from the bank

just delivered this for you.

- Great Scott!
- What is it, Father?

Do you remember the stock
we bought a few years ago,

Edison Phonograph?
Well, it just shot sky high.

We're rich, we're worth a
quarter of a million dollars!

- Oh, that's marvelous.
- Oh, how wonderful.

Mr. Skinner, as I
was saying before,

singing might be
a fine vocation,

but your voice
could go at any time.

However, people will always
need a Doctor or a Lawyer.

I myself have been studying
by day to be a Lawyer,

and at night I'm
backing for my internship.

But I make a fine living as
a singer at the beer garden.

Yes, yes, I'll vouch for that.

Many a night I've seen him pick
$3 or $4 in change off the floor,

but now that he's marrying
Maude, he won't have to stoop,

she can pass the hat, Maude...

There he goes with that bu,
bu, bu..that's the way he sings.

Bu, bu, bu. It'll get
him nowhere, Sir.

Oh, really, Mr. Skinner,
do you think I should go

to Harvard Law School
or Yale Medical School?

On the other hand, should
I go to Yale Law School

or Harvard Medical School?
- Well I...

Don't listen to him,
he can't go to College,

he quit school when he was 7.

Yes, so I could have
private tutoring at home.

With your permission,
Sir, will you allow me?

Maude, will you accept this
ring as a token of my affection?

What? You were
gonna sell me that ring.

Sell you my Mother's ring?
Why you tap room tenor..

All right, off with the glasses.

Wilbur... none of your
saloon brawling in my home.

I shall have to ask
you to leave at once.

Yes, out, out, and take these
hot house pansies with you out, Sir.

Bilko, one day
you will regret this.

Out of my home,
Wilbur, out, out.

Ok, don't be angry, Sir.

Please don't be aggravated
look at it this way.

You're not losing your Daughter,

you're gaining a
Doctor, and a Lawyer.

I like the way you think, Felix.

Now, why don't
you stay for dinner?

Oh, thank you, Dad. Thank
you a quarter of a million.

Thank you.

So anyway, Sarge, Maude Skinner

married Felix Bilko,
your grandfather.

Now wait a minute, Lindsay,
you're not gonna blame me

for something my naughty
grandfather Felix did, are you?

No, no Sarge, but
can you imagine this?

Isn't it a small world?

My Great Grandfather almost
married your Grandmother.

Yeah, how do you like that?

If my Grandmother would've
married Wilbur Crosby,

well today I might've been...
I might've been, been...

I would have been Bing Crosby!

- Bing Crosby, my Father?
- Well, sure.

That crazy Grandfather might
even have kept his mouth shut.

Today I wouldn't be in
the Army. I'd own the Army.

Take it easy, Sarge. Hey, is there
anything I can get you from the P.X.?

No, thank you, son. I
mean, no thank you, Lindsay.

How do you like that?
I was one yes away

from being Bing Crosby.

I could've been Bing Crosby.

Wow, what a Bing
Crosby I'd have made.

Good afternoon, this is Ted
Stacey, for CBS television

welcoming you to the world
famous pebble beach golf course

for the 4th Annual Bing
Crosby Golf Tournament.

And here he is, Bing Crosby.

When The Blue Of The Night,

Meets The Gold Of The Day

Someone Waits For
Me. Hi, friends out there.

Its Old Groaner, come
out in Pepper Beach,

out here in sunny
California with it.

We've got a real
biggie coming at you.

You know, all the
Hollywood big, bigs are here.

Watchin' the old Groaner's
friend's hooking the slides,

all over the fairways.

And they are here,
they'll be here.

Its old Frankie boy, hi Frankie.

There he goes
old Skin An' Bones.

Looks like a walking tree house.

As you say, Frankie
boy, hold that swing,

here, Dean, don't
swing that club, boy.

Jerry's standing
right behind you.

Maybe that's what you
had in mind, you rascal, you.

Hi, Bing.

Hello there, Teddy
boy, how're things, boy?

Folks, as you know, each
year Bing runs this tournament

all by himself, but Bing,
I think a lot of the folks

would like to know just why
you put so much time and effort

into the tournament.

I say, Teddy boy,
golf is in my blood.

Well, you must have
passed off a lot of offers

to be out here running
the tournament today.

That's the way it goes,
Teddy, when you love the game,

you don't mind giving up
a few things for the game.

Hey, hey dad.

Well, lookee here, this
is my twin boy Dennis.

This is old Dennis, we
used to call him speck

when he was a little
boy, a lot of freckles

but then the enterprise
invented the cream,

removed his freckles,
we had a little leftover.

Showed a nice
profit, didn't we, son?

What are you doing, boy?

We're running out
of hot dogs here.

There's a good boy.
Here's the key to my locker.

When you open my car trunk
you'll find some rolls in there, son,

I've been putting
on plenty of mustard

to make them thirstier, dad.

That's a good boy.

By the 5th hole they'll be
begging for orange juice,

that old minute maid
is gonna flow, son.

Now move it, move it.

I always tell you, Ted,
if you love a game,

you don't mind
giving up a few things

to satisfy your
love for the sport.

- Hey, Dad.
- Well, look you here.

It's my other twin
boy. This is Philip.

This boy we used to call
dude, he's the best dressed.

He was the first one up.
What do you say, Philip boy?

Dad, we've got no more
room to park the cars.

Son, did you park them
close like I told you?

Yeah, I've been
putting the Thunderbirds

under the Cadillac's like you
said, but we still need more room.

Be a good boy, we have to do
something. Here, I tell you what,

start parking them
on the last two holes.

That's it, Teddy, from here
in it's a 16-hole tournament.

Here we go, move.

Like I was telling you,
when you love a game

it's a sporting thing to
give up a few things for it,

you know what I
mean, don't you, Ted?

Yes I do. Give it up...

Now look who's here, it's
my baby boy, it's old Lindsay.

- Hi, Lindsay.
- However, we call him Oilie.

Oh, he's sharp. Oh,
he's a sharp youngster.

He'd sell a hot stove to
an Eskimo down in Chile.

- What about that?
- Would he now?

What're you doing, son?

I've been smashing successfully
these souvenirs today, Dad,

but we need some more autograph
pictures, would you sign these?

You know I'm gonna
do it, you know Daddy's

gonna do the pictures.

Let me see now, Bing
Crosby, here we have it.

Bing Crosby, here son.

What are doing here with
a picture of Perry Como?

Oh, it must've got
in there by mistake.

- Give me that.
- What are you gonna do with it?

I'll tear it up and stamp on it.

No, no, nothing is wasted
here. We'll just sign Perry Como.

He'll never know...
there's a good boy.

That's a good boy. He's
a good boy, you know.

I was telling you about sports.

I love the game. I
give all of myself.

- Well, Daddy boy, I'm ready to go.
- Well I'll be... look who's here.

Look who's here, this is
my big boy, this is Gary.

I call him my Las Vegas hold up,

he's the only one I
got left, you know.

Good boy, good boy.

Gary, are you gonna play
in the tournament, Gary?

No, I'm just caddying?

Excuse me, Ted. Now
when you're caddying, son,

you know what Daddy told you.

Now, when a player loses the
ball in the woods, what do you do?

Oh, I can't find the ball.

Of course you
can't find that ball.

- Now, what else you do, son?
- Sell them a new ball.

Now where do you get
this new ball you're selling?

I get the new ball
from the woods

where the old ball
players hit the ball.

Have a good day, son.
He's a good boy, good boy.

Like I always tell you, and
I told all of my youngsters,

these sportsmen, the
game is what counts.

- Dad, Dad.
- Philip, what happened?

I was parking cars in the green

and suddenly the 16th
hole started to sprout oil.

I was afraid of this. I'm
sorry, get me off the air.

The tournament's off.
Everybody off the course.

Gary, get a cork
and put it in that hole.

Here, here Denny, Denny,
get me barrels, barrels. Gary,

over here, time to get
me on the railroad...

Gary, Gary, cork that hole.

Dennis, Dennis, get the barrels.

Lindsay, Lindsay,
call the railway station.

- Get the bucks out.
- Sarge, Sarge, what's the matter?

Come on, stop the
oil, we're losing, oh boy.

You musta been dreaming, Sarge.

Yeah, yeah, what
a dream that was.

I dreamt that I was your father
and I was good to you boys too.

Why don't you have
a cup of coffee, Sarge,

you'll feel a lot better.

Yeah, I'll do that. Well,
what a dream that was.

I was your Daddy and you'd
have loved me as a Daddy.

I was very good to you boys.

Why couldn't it have
been? Why? Why?

Bilko? My Father?

Oh, Lindsay Bilko.

Dennis Bilko. Gary Bilko.

- Excuse me, Colonel.
- Yes?

There's a Mr. Ernest
Bilko outside to see you.

Ernie Bilko? My own Motor
Pool Sergeant? Send him in.

Won't you come in?

Well, Ernie Bilko, it's
been so many years.

Yes, it has been a
longtime, Colonel Hall.

How is civilian life
treating you, Ernie?

Oh, not bad, I got the Hula
Hoop Concession in Nebraska, Sir.

Tell me, what brings you
back to Camp Fremont?

What else, I wanna
look in on my 4 boys, Sir.

Tell me, how are they doing?

Frankly, Ernie, if it weren't
for those sons of yours,

I'd be a General now.

Instead of 4 stars
they gave me 4 Bilkos.

Oh, come now, Sir, I'm sure
you're being unduly harsh.

They're not trouble
makers, not these boys,

after all I taught them
everything they know.

It shows.

Oh really, Sir, they're
just fun loving children.

Excuse me for interrupting, Sir

but we've just
arrested Sgt. Bilko.

Show the fun loving child in.

Bring him in.

Come on, come on.

Would you? Would you?

Do you realize the
consequences of a false arrest?

Do you? Do you know
that I'll sue the Army

for every penny they've
got under article 96?

- It's article 97.
- Thank you, Sir, 97.

- Daddy, how are you?
- Gary, my boy, how are you?

Now, what have
you been doing, son?

Nothing, nothing, I
was merely escorting

5 men to the Grove City
hospital in an Army ambulance.

That's all, I was...

Sir, you're not
gonna chastise a boy

who was on a
mission of mercy, Sir.

The patients were on their hands
and knees shooting crap, Sir.

Mere physical therapy,
Sir, to keep their minds

off their pain, that's all.

Some therapy, what do you need

to get them in hospital,
Jacks or better?

Father, did you hear that?

Didn't I tell you the Colonel
had a sense of humor?

- I told you that.
- Yes, you did.

My boy wrote me about
you. He was so right, Sir.

You can't blame the lad,

he's probably fallen in
with evil companions.

Yes, your other 3 sons.

Oh, John, I'm sorry
to burst on you like this

but could I have $25?

$25? What for?

Oh please, John,
it's terribly important.

Well, all right.

Sgt. Bilko, here's your money.

Thank you, Mrs. Hall,
and here are the tickets

to the "Let Hawaii
Into The Union Dance."

Bilko.

And you'll be pleased
to know, Colonel,

that you've been chosen
as Johnny Pineapple,

and Mrs. Hall will be
the Princess Helani.

Now, perhaps your friend
would like to purchase... why Dad!

- Philip, my boy.
- Well, good to see you.

You're looking well,
and that's a splendid idea

about the Hawaii dance, I
can supply the hula hoops.

Yes, and I'm sure
with your trim waistline,

Colonel..you'll have
no trouble about

twirling the hoop around.
- Good show, Gary boy.

Sir, how many hoops
can I put you down for, Sir?

Will you keep quiet, Bilko?

I didn't say anything,
Sir, did you say anything?

I said nothing, it
must've been him.

No, I didn't say
anything, how would I...

- You said it.
- Stop it, stop it.

Excuse me Sir, an
emergency just came up

and I must have a 10 day leave.

Another leave, Bilko? You
just came back from one.

I know, Sir, but I
was just unpacking

when I received this
telegram, which states,

"Father is seriously ill fly
at Miami Beach at once."

So with your permission
I'll leave at once, Sir.

- Bilko.
- My Colonel calls.

Why ask my permission?
Why not ask you Father?

- Here he is.
- Dad! You've recovered.

Oh, my boy, hello
Denny, now, now,

how could you chastisize a boy
who thinks so much of his father

that he leaves his
duties and he's flying

to his bedside in
Miami Beach, Sir?

I can't stand much more of this.

Oh, Colonel, I have
a bit of bad news, Sir.

What now, Bilko?

Well, we have to be out of
Camp Fremont by Saturday.

He sold the camp!
He sold the camp!

Oh no, Sir, see
we never owned it.

What do you mean
we never owned it?

These 2 beautiful braves
have a little parchment here

that proves that
they own the land, Sir.

I like it, I like it.

- Dad!
- Lindsay boy!

How are you?

I'm not Lindsay
anymore, I'm Running Fox,

and by the mark on my arm
you see that I'm a blood brother.

And that naturally gives me
the right to negotiate for this tribe.

It does, it does.

That's preposterous, I
won't hear another word of it.

Oh, Sir, you better let
my son, Running Fox,

negotiate this thing before
we have an Indian uprising, Sir.

And no beads or
trinkets, Sir, strictly cash.

I can't stand anymore of this.

I know, Sir, you're tired,
why don't you just relax

and sign my leave papers.
- I'm not signing anything.

Of course not, Sir, if you're
going to be Johnny Pineapple

you must practice
with your hula hoop.

Stop it, stop it, I'm
gonna have a breakdown.

Good, I'll take you to the
hospital with my ambulance,

of course you'll have
to ride in front, Sir,

there're 5 very sick
men in the back.

Quiet, here. Boys, stop it.

You're right, Sir,
they do need discipline

and I'm gonna
see that they get it.

- You are?
- Good news, Sir, I'm re-enlisting.

No. 5 Bilkos.

No, oh no.

Welcome aboard, Dad!

Dad, Dad, what
about this Indian deal...

Dad, Dad, what
about the Indian deal?

Hey, wake up.

What about the Cleveland
Indians? Is your Dad gonna buy 'em?

Whadda ya want
me in on it? What?

Oh it's you, Sarge, oh, you
should've seen the dream I just had.

- Wow, ooh.
- Dream?

Why don't you tell me about
it, maybe I can analyze it.

Then we can go to Palm
Springs for the weekend,

we'll discuss it with Dad.

No, I'm all right now,
Sarge, it was just that...

Hey, Lindsay, 3 visitors
are here to see you.

3 visitors for me? Send them in.

Right in here, fellows.

Hey Gary, Dennis, Philip.

- Hey.
- What are you guys doing here?

Well, we've come here to dig

the new full rich life you're
leaving here with the Indians.

It's all due to my beautiful

little Sergeant
here, Sgt. Bilko.

Hi, you boys. Listen,
why don't you join us,

I can put 3 extra cots in here.

You'd all be together, I'm
sure your Dad would like that.

Speaking of Dad, you
know that's why we're here.

Why, what's up?

Big record company
has an idea for an album.

They want to call it
the 5 Crosby's Sing.

5 Crosby's Sing.
I like it, I like that.

- Only Dad's got other commitments.
- Oh what a shame.

Yeah, because without Dad
they don't want to do the album.

Yeah, I guess nobody
can take Dad's place.

- No chance, no.
- No way.

When The Blue Of The Night
Meets The Gold Of The Day...

What, what are you
thinking Gary? What?

Well, he sounds
a little like Dad.

And it will be legitimate,
I was almost a Crosby,

think about that, fellas.

We can try it with Sgt.
Bilko, it wouldn't hurt.

Why not. The audience
would love you.

Singing with a
soldier is a great idea.

I like that idea you just had.

Hey, do you boys know
an old folk tune called

'My Baby Needs A Pair Of Shoes'?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

My Baby Needs A Pair Of
Shoes, Come You Seven

And She Will Get Them If I Lose,

Come Along You...

Excuse me, excuse
me just a minute.

Are you in business
for yourself, huh?

- No.
- This is a group.

What is this, stepping
down and taking charge?

Please, sing with
the group, all right?

Denny... Linny and I
will do the lead, right?

You do the baritone,
you've got a nice low voice.

"Baby Shoes, Baby
Shoes", keep it real low.

The lead is "My Baby
Needs A Pair Of Shoes."

You sing the bass, bass.
I'm changing your part to bass.

Bass now? "Baby Needs A Pair..."

You do the baritone.

Do the baritone, "Baby
Needs A Pair Of Shoes."

You do the tenor,
Philip, really high up

"My Baby Needs A Pair Of Shoes."

It's one note, it'll blend
with the rest of us.

- Let's try it.
- "My Baby Needs A Pair Of Shoes."

Hold it, hold it. You're
doing Gary's notes.

He's the bass, you do the tenor.

One note, "Baby Needs",
do that, will you kid?

"My Baby Needs A Pair Of Shoes

Come Along You Seven.

But She Won't
Get 'em If I Lose."

Come on, that's the key.

"Come Along You Eleven.

Roll, Roll Dem Bones,
Roll 'em On The Square,

Roll 'em On The Sidewalk,

The Streets Are Everywhere.

You Roll Them In The Morning,

And You Roll Them In The Night.

You Roll Them Bones The

Whole Night Through,

Till The Cops...

Are Out

Of Sight.

Great! Let me handle the
artwork for that company.

We'll get personal
appearance money, we'll get...

Lindsay, here's a
telegram for you.

Will you, please, when
people are doing a quartet?

Get out of here, Fender, please.

Hey, hey wait a minute,
there's good news,

Dad's gonna be able to make it.

Who needs him? Six
Crosby's, that's one too many.

The 5 of us will...

I'm sorry, Sarge, we'll
always want him, Dad.

He's gonna be there
and he's gonna make it.

Oh, well, I had a dream
for a minute didn't I?

Well, don't feel bad, he wants
you to spend the weekend with him.

Are you available?

Available? I've been
packed for days.

Come on, let's go.

"My Baby Needs A Pair
Of Shoes, Come Along..."

What, what, don't do this...

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Bob Howard as the
announcer at Pebble Beach.

Paul Reed as Mr. Skinner.

Ollie Olba as Mrs. Skinner.

Doris Bushwire as Maude Skinner.

And Hope Sansberry as Mrs. Hall.