The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 4, Episode 33 - The Colonel's Second Honeymoon - full transcript

Oh... oh man it's hot.

I hear it's over 100 today.

This heat is intolerable.

It makes you take a cold shower.

It's not that hot.

Sugie, come on give
somebody else a break.

- Come on, yeah, come on.
- In a minute, in a minute.

Come on, come on!
Take a little leave on it.

Keep it down fellas, keep
it down you'll wake Bilko.

He can't hear us over the
noise of his air-conditioner.

I hope he gets frosts bite!



Me too.

Why don't we ask
Bilko to let us in?

Because he won't do it.

Maybe he'll open the
door just for a few minutes.

You'll get a cold from a draft.

I should be so lucky. Come on.

Back up.

What kind of soldiers are you?

A little discomfort you
turn into an unruly mob?

- We can't stand it out here.
- Let us in Bilko.

Yeah!

I told you, over and over,
just one at a time goes in there.

- There are too many in there now.
- A few more can't hurt.

Look, it's an old quarter
ton air-conditioner.



It's on its last legs now.

You put too much
burden on it, it'll go kaput.

You're always like that.

Sarge, I'm melting away.

Don't worry Doberman.

You still got 200 pounds to go

before you reach
your breaking point.

All right Zimmerman.
Let's go your time is up.

Ah come on Sarge will you let
me stay another dollar's worth.

- I am really ashamed of you.
- Why?

Your buddies are
out there sweltering.

How selfish can you be?

Okay, okay, who do
you want me to send in?

Send in Fender, he is the
oldest and he's suffering the most.

He has no money.

Well, you better send in
Mullen. He's the next oldest.

Sarge, you're all heart.

Come on get out of here
and shut that door quickly,

there will be no free samples.

Hey, where are you going?

I'm going out to let
Fender take my place

if it's all right
with you Ernie.

Look, spare me your
sarcasm, will you please.

Rocco, can you
turn it up a notch?

I think so Sarge.

All right, let 'em
in one and a time

but they can't
stay here too long.

- No charge, Ernie?
- Look, don't start pushing me, huh?

If I listen to him I'll be the
nicest guy in a poorhouse.

Stand back Sarge,
here they come.

All right, all right.
You've had your little joke.

Now listen to me good, you
can stay in here but quietly.

No moving around, no
deep breathing, no gulping.

Why don't you ask us to
use just one lung at a time?

Believe it, being
nice to people.

- I'll turn it up a little Sarge.
- Yeah but gently, gently.

All right now don't
move around, just relax.

- Ah that feels great.
- It sure is refreshing.

- What is that?
- Look out?

Sarge it's broke
down completely.

Well you happy now Mr. Henshaw?

Maybe you'd like to invite
more of your friends in

we can all suffocate together?

Ernie it's not their
fault, it's an old machine.

Huh, come on, out, out!

Well Doberman, I
hope you're satisfied.

- What did I do?
- What did you do?

Figure it out for yourself.

You try to cool
a half ton soldier

with a quarter ton machine,
something's got to give!

I can't stand
another night of this.

It is not right, but what
kind of soldiers are you.

If the temperature goes up
a little you all get desperate.

May I remind you all, this is a
soldiers camp not a boy's camp.

- Well you've got.
- Now got relax and cool off.

- Can you fix it Roc?
- I don't think so Sarge.

We need all new parts.

Ooh boy, is it
getting hot in here?

Wow, it's no use. I've
got to get out of here.

But everyplace in
camp is just as hot.

That's it. I'll get out of camp.

- Where would you go?
- I don't know.

Any place where it is
draughty, the North Pole, Alaska,

I'll find a 15 foot snow
drift and I'll go skin diving.

Sarge, the Colonel isn't
going to give you another leave.

He'll have to, this is
an emergency furlough.

Somebody I love very
dearly is dying, me.

No, no, no Bilko.

I'm not giving you
another furlough.

But Sir.

Bilko, I'll give you your
next 2 week furlough

when you're legally
entitled to it, in 1973.

But Sir, I've already
wired the family to tell 'em

I'm coming home for
the reading of the will.

Poor Uncle Henry he looked
like me, I was so fond of him.

Bilko your Uncle
Henry died 5 years ago.

Thank you for remembering Sir.

You see they've only
just now found the will,

Uncle Henry was crafty.

Save your breath Bilko, I've
been figuring how many days

you've spent in camp
during the last year.

And it may interest you to
know that on an hourly basis,

you made more
than the Chief of Staff.

- It's outrageous.
- Outrageous, Sir?

Yes Bilko, speaking as
your Colonel and a taxpayer!

Now get out of this office.

Sir, if you'll just give
me a moment Sir.

Bilko, please don't get
me upset. It's too hot.

It's funny you
should say that Sir,

only yesterday Dr. Norton
was telling me that this weather

is dangerous for a man with
my basal metabolism, Sir.

Bilko.

You see I have
difficulty in perspiring Sir,

these small pores of mine Sir.
- Bilko.

I don't want to be an alarmist
Sir, but in heat like this,

I can go like that Sir.

Wonderful Bilko, then
you won't have to go

to the reading of the will.

You can hear the news
directly from your Uncle Henry.

Oh, I'm glad to
see that this heat

hasn't affected my
Colonel's sparkling wit, Sir.

Bilko, out! Out!

- Hello Bilko.
- Dying.

Would you mind not
standing in front of the window?

Whatever breeze
there is I want to get.

I'm sorry Sarge.

Ernie, Ernie, listen
to this weather report.

Wait a minute I'll turn it up.

There is a cold air mass moving
South from the Arctic Circle.

Oh good, good.

Which should meet
with a cold front

moving East over the Pacific.

Keep talking boy, keep talking.

The weather
forecast for tonight,

mostly cool with
a chance of rain.

Boy what a break.

Temperature in the
low 30's along the coast,

35 to 40 degrees inland.

Maybe tonight
we'll get some sleep.

This is station
KLAT, Nome, Alaska.

Did you hear that, Alaska?

I had it on shortwave.

Henshaw if you're a friend
of Rocco, just hold my hands.

I'm sorry, Sarge.

I'm not blaming you
it's the Colonel's fault.

On account of him got
to stay here for 2 weeks,

with an idiot like you.

Ah, look Ernie as long
as the Colonel's here

you're not going
to get any furlough.

Maybe that's the trick.

I'll get the Colonel
to take a furlough

then Cpt. Barker is in charge.

Him I can twist
around my finger.

But how will you swing it Sarge?

I don't know, I'll
think of something.

Paparelli get here
on the double.

Get the Colonel's staff car
ready in case we need it.

What's up, Sarge?

Look, I, what are you doing
in Class A's in this heat?

Oh I just picked up
Gen. Wade at the airport.

General Wade, he's coming here?

Yeah it's just a social visit.

He's spending the evening
with the Colonel and his wife...

What's the matter?

Oh as the Colonel's
official driver

I feel that I should exercise a
certain amount of discretion.

Look who's clamming up, the
Hedda Hopper of the grease pits.

You're right, I feel that I have

a certain obligation
to my buddies.

That's better, talk.

Well, it seems that
General Wade used to go out

with Mrs. Hall before she
was married to the Colonel.

You know they were
classmates together.

- No.
- I kid you not.

And what's more,
I have a feeling

that the Colonel ain't
too happy about this visit.

Why dearie?

Well, how would you feel if
your wife's old beau showed up?

1.He's a general.

2.He's got all his hair.

Okay, Paparelli, out, get out.

Thank you.

Don't forget Sarge,
don't spread it around.

I don't want to get a
reputation as a gossip.

Of course not,
move it. Ha, that's it.

- What?
- That's the gimmick.

I get the Colonel to go
on a second honeymoon.

A second honeymoon?

Of course, how else
is he going to patch up

the fight he and
his wife just had.

I didn't hear about
him having any fight.

Of course not, I
haven't started it yet.

May I give you some
more coffee, Terry?

Thanks, Nell.

Gosh, it's good
seeing you both again.

Nell, you're as pretty as ever.

And you're just as
devilish as you ever were.

- Isn't he John?
- He certainly is.

Cream and sugar, Terry?

No, he likes his coffee black.

Thank you for remembering, Nell.

Now who could that be?

- Good evening Sir.
- Bilko, what's this all about?

Well Sir, when word got out that

General Wade was visiting on
the post, we of the Motor Pool

persuaded Sgt. Ritzik
to whip up this cake.

Oh isn't it lovely
and it has a star on it.

Yes Ma'am, to match the
glorious star he has on his shoulder.

Sergeant, thank the men for
me. I appreciate the honour.

Oh really Sir, the
honour is all ours.

Oh Mrs. Hall you're
a lucky woman indeed

to be spending the
evening with 2 war heroes.

One man decorated 4
times for bravery in action,

and the other man
whose laundry unit

won a citation for
efficiency in New Guinea.

I didn't hear about that
commendation, John.

- It was ridiculous, Terry.
- Oh my Colonel is much too modest.

Sir, in the thickest
of fighting he saw to it

that our dungarees
were kept spanking clean.

Uh, thank you
for the cake, Bilko.

Oh excuse me Mrs.
Hall, let me do that.

I have a very deft
hand at cutting cake.

Thank you, Sergeant.

I understand Sir, that you and
my Colonel were classmates?

Yes, class of '27.

Oh my, this has
been a lovely dinner

I suppose reminiscing
about the old days.

Oh it has been fun.

Nell, do you remember
the Graduation Ball?

Old John here showed
up with a sprained ankle

and you and I had every dance.

Oh that must have been,
I bet you're pretty good

with the dancing
department yet Sir.

Well, I do get in a little
practice now and then, Sergeant.

Oh I think dancing is such fun.

- I wish John cared more for it.
- Oh, that isn't fair Mrs. Hall.

You know he'd love
to if it wasn't his arches.

Thank you Bilko.

The Graduation Dance, I
bet Mrs. Hall was lovely.

Well she couldn't have
been more than 17.

Yes, she wore a
lovely blue gown.

Oh I think it was pink.

But Terry is right
dear, it was blue.

Nell, do you
remember what I said

when I asked you to
dance for the first time?

Oh what did he say Mrs. Hall?

He said, "lovely stranger,
may I have this dance?"

- Isn't that cute Sir?
- Yes.

And what did you say, Mrs. Hall?

I said, yes you may,
whoever you are.

My, don't they
make a lovely couple.

Yes.

Well, Mrs. Hall is
certainly having fun.

I haven't seen her
this radiant in years.

She's gonna have
one of her migraines

if she keeps whirling around.

Oh General Wade is a
bachelor, isn't he, Sir?

- I believe he is.
- I can't say that I blame him.

I mean why should he
make one woman happy

when he can make dozen
ecstatic, there he goes..Wooo!

My he's strong,
he held her so tight.

- I have eyes, Bilko.
- Terry, oh I'm breathless.

Just once more round of floor

then I'll return
you to your escort.

You're a madcap.

Oh Sir, they're having
more fun than teenagers.

Oh it's 11 o'clock Sir. Will
you say goodnight for me.

They're having so much
fun I hate to disturb them, Sir.

Hey, Sarge.

Are you sure you want me
to pack this heavy sweater?

Of course, whadda ya think?

I'm gonna go skiing
in my bathing suit?

Hey Ernie, what makes you
so sure your plan will work?

Because everything
is going to schedule,

tomorrow I talk to the Colonel
into taking a second honeymoon,

which leaves Captain
Barker at my mercy.

Hey Sarge, you never did tell us

what happened at the
Colonel's house tonight.

What's to tell?

I lit the fuse that set the
bomb to go off immediately

as the General left the house,

which should be right about now.

"Oh he takes his coffee black, John."
"thank you for remembering Nell."

I've never heard such
ridiculous nonsense in my life.

John, I was just trying to
make an old friend feel welcome.

Oh you did that all right.

I'm surprised you didn't
move in with his medals,

his hair tonic and everything.

You invited him to dinner.
He's your best friend.

What's that got to do with it?

Terry Wade is a 55
year old adolescent

and you didn't help him grow up.

Blushing and giggling
like a silly schoolgirl.

"Oh Terry, you're
a madcap." Ha, ha..

Jack I do believe
you're jealous.

Jealous, me?

Just because I
didn't spend $1,000

on dancing lessons
at Arthur Murrays?

Oh this is a silly argument.

Get a glass of hot
milk and go to sleep.

Oh sure, go ahead. Make
me out a decrepit old man.

Well I will not have
a glass of hot milk.

I'm going to get me
a nice big highball.

John, you know what
that does to your stomach.

Save your concern for General
Wade that Pentagon Porfirio.

Oh John, I'm going to sleep.

Good idea. I'm going
to sleep on the couch.

May I have this
dance, lovely stranger?

Come in.

Good morning Sir. A
wicked day isn't it Sir?

What do you want Bilko?
I'm in no mood for chitchat.

Well Sir, one of my men
has a serious family problem

and knowing how wise you
are in matters of this type Sir,

we thought perhaps
you could help Sir.

Well, I'm hardly an authority
this morning, but I'll try.

- Who is it?
- Fender, Sir.

I'm afraid his marriage is on
the verge of breaking up Sir.

Fender, why he's been
married almost as long as I have.

Yes, but unfortunately the
Fenders don't have the same

deep understanding
and mutual trust

that you and Mrs. Hall enjoy.
- Hmm, yeah.

The Fenders have 6
children, haven't they?

Yes Sir, and if it wasn't
for the constant bickering

Fender could have had the large
family he's always wanted Sir.

I thought perhaps if you gave
him an emergency leave Sir.

What good will that do Bilko?

If he went home they'd probably
start fighting all over again.

I see what you mean Sir.

But if they went off
somewhere by themselves,

they'd have a chance to recapture
the great love they once had.

Is that what you mean, Sir?

Well, yes.

Why yes, in that way the
husband could make up

for harsh words
said in haste, Sir.

Well you, you could say that.

Why, it's like getting married
again and going off on a, on a...

- Second honeymoon?
- A second honeymoon?

That's a brilliant idea Sir.

In that way they can
erase all bitterness

and recapture the
happiness they once knew,

a second honeymoon,
what a brilliant idea Sir.

Well I'll have Fender pack and
send him on his way immediately.

May I say Sir, only a
man with your great heart

could have come up with such
a sentimental inspiration Sir.

- Thank you Sir.
- That's all right Bilko.

- That's what I'm here for.
- Fender.

Nell, this is Colonel Hall.

Don't ask any questions,
just pack your trousseau.

We're going to Sun Valley,
Idaho on a second honeymoon.

Hey, this is a beautiful
place inside and out.

Oh I beg your pardon miss,
would you like to join me

for cocktails at the fireside?

Oh you poor soul
you've lost again.

Here, you have a reservation
for Mr. Ernest Bilko.

Yes Sir. Will you
register, please?

Glad to.

Pardon me, will you cash
this cheque for me please.

Glad to, Mr. Hall, if
you'll wait one moment.

Just checking in, friend?

- Ja wohl, mein Herr.
- Lovely place isn't it?

Oh ja, it's like Switzerland,

even chiller sometimes
you know what I mean.

Room 12, sir.

- I hope you enjoy your stay Mr...
- Oh Danke schön.

I'm sure I will enjoy this
stay, go, go move, move.

Ah, I beg your pardon, Fraulein.

Of course mein Herr Bilko.

I'm afraid the pretty
Fräulein is mistaken

Ich been count
von Bürgermeister.

Very well, if you insist,
but you did look like

Sgt. Bilko before you
lowered your glasses.

I can see Mrs.
Hall I can't fool you

with my little jokes, now can I?

Don't worry, I won't say
a word to the Colonel.

- We're hardly speaking anyway.
- Why?

I thought this was to be
your second honeymoon.

I'm afraid it just isn't
working out very well.

Oh dear come over here,
maybe there is something

I can do to help
you out Mrs. Hall.

Oh I don't think so, Sergeant.

You see, John has
become so terribly jealous.

Jealous?

Yes ever since
General Wade paid me

those few little simple
little compliments,

he's suspicious of every
man that even looks at me.

- I just don't understand it.
- I think I do.

You see somehow General Wade
has made the Colonel feel insecure,

made him lose
assurance with himself.

But I've assured John
over and over again

that he's the only man
in the world for me.

Well I'm afraid Mrs.
Hall, the reassurance

has to come from someone else.
- What do you mean?

Look, Mrs. Hall if
a lot of pretty girls

flocked around the Colonel, now
could you act properly jealous?

- Well, I should say so.
- Good.

- You just do as I tell you.
- All right, here he comes.

Anytime you're ready Mrs. Hall.

Say your wife was showing
me to the dining room,

she is very sweet.
- Yes I'm sure she was.

Come along, Madame Du Barry.

- Telegram for J.P Hall.
- Who, who, who is that?

Telegram for J. P Hall.

I'll take that boy
I'm his assistant.

Here you are, here's
a nice tip for you.

Excuse me Sir, but is that J.P
Hall the big Hollywood producer?

Yes, but don't let it
get around you see.

I don't want every
pretty girl in the hotel

pestering him for a screen test.

What's he doing here Sir?

What was that?

What's he doing here Sir?

Shhh! Keep it quiet please.

He's on another one
of his quiet talent hunts.

Don't nose it
around but the studio

is looking for the answer
to Marilyn Monroe.

Well, good luck Sir.

Thank you boy, well I
better take care of this.

Oh no, hold that pose.
Oh no, it can't be true.

Oh forgive me I shouldn't
be doing this I'm on vacation.

Oh no, that's all right.

Believe me, I don't
usually do this.

Oh won't you please sit down?

Now before I get
my hopes too high,

are you signed with
any other film studio?

No, I'm not.

Do you have any
picture experience?

Oh yes, I was an extra once
in a Frank Sinatra picture.

By George, this
maybe J.P's lucky day!

Oh if you'll just introduce
me, I just know I...

No, no, that would never do.

You see he likes to
discover his own talent

the way he discovered Kim Novak,

and Elizabeth Taylor and
the rest you know is history.

What should I do?

Well, tonight, I'd like
you to run into him

accidentally in the dining room.

I want him to see the same
qualities in you that I see.

Besides beauty I want him to
see that warm, attractive glow

that makes every man you look
at feel charming and attractive.

What should I say?

Well just be natural and
say, "hello, how are you?"

Hello, how are you?

No, no dear, natural, like
Marilyn, now take a deep breath.

Now let it out. Now say it.

Hello, how are you?

That's it, natural.

Fix your hair, get into a new
dress, leave the rest to me.

Oh no, did anybody ever tell you

you're a dead ringer
for Ava Gardner.

Funny you should mention
that, I'm just crazy about bullfights.

Well this is a coincidence
J.P's next $5 million production

is entitled, "The Matador
And The Debutante."

Well that's for me.

It's like I told you, I'm
just crazy about bullfights.

Oh you close your eyes it's Ava.

She's Ava.

Well sure I'd like
to be in the movies,

but I'm just a waitress.

What do you think
Vivien Leigh was

before David Selznick
discovered her?

- She was a waitress?
- No.

She was a British
movie star, of course.

I'm telling you, J.P will find

your face and
accent irresistible.

All he keeps thinking about
is that musical version of

"Gone With The
Wind" that he's making.

Sure enough, is he doing that?

Oh I just thought of
something, if you get the part

you'll have to kiss Rock Hudson
40 or 50 times in the picture,

you wouldn't mind,
would you terribly?

Oh then, it's all set.

You mean Mr. Hall
won't care won't care

if I don't know how to act?

Oh heavens we can teach you
how to act after you become a star.

Now you remember what
I told you, he'll be sitting

at one of your tables
tonight, I want you to give him

the full force and your
Southern charm, Scarlet.

Oh miss.

You look very handsome
in that suit, John.

Well. What's the matter?

You know very well
what's the matter?

You still haven't
explained why you talked

to that man with the curly hair.

I was making an
appointment with him.

What?

Oh, he's a skiing
instruction John.

You said we should take lessons.

Well, pick somebody else.

He looked like a regular
hotel gigolo to me.

Good evening Sir,
are you ready to order?

Oh yes thank you.

2 shrimp cocktails, and
the roast beef, medium rare.

Sure enough Mr. Hall.
How did you know my name?

I'd say that just
about every pretty girl

in the hotel knows your name.

How's that?

There aren't too many mature
attractive men checking in,

and we girls just
notice those things.

Oh thank you very much.

I'll be right back
with your shrimps,

don't you go away now, hear.

Well, what was all that about?

Probably just a
build up for the tip.

- Oh dear.
- Well allow me.

Oh how can I ever thank you.

It was nothing really.

- My, but you're tall.
- Yes.

I always have been.

Uh, a tall man with
deep blue eyes.

How dreamy!

You're a very attractive
young lady yourself.

Why thank you.

A pretty girl like you
ought to be in the movies.

- Oh I hoped you'd say that.
- John.

Oh don't let me
interrupt your dinner,

maybe I can come back later
and we could talk some more.

Goodbye now.

I should think you'd
behave with more dignity.

All I did was just
hand the girl her purse.

I have eyes... you were
flirting outrageously.

Come now Nell, I'm old
enough to be her father.

John, I'm warning
you, you're my husband

and I'll fight for
you if I have to.

Oh Nell you're getting
yourself upset all over nothing.

- Oh here's the food.
- Here we are.

I hope I didn't keep
you all waiting too long.

Oh not at all.

She sounds like a real
Scarlett O'Hara, doesn't she?

Oh thank you Sir, thank you!

Scarlett O'Hara, isn't he sweet.

John, please eat your dinner
and be a little less charming.

Oh stop nagging Nell.

You're letting your
imagination run away with you.

Now let's eat.

Have you got a light?

A light?

Yes.

You can keep the matches.

Thanks.

If you need one you
know where I am.

Yes of course.

You know something Nell

I'm really beginning
to enjoy this vacation.

This is more than a vacation.

It's supposed to be
our second honeymoon.

It is Nell. It is.

I suppose you think I enjoy

watching all these pretty
girls throw themselves at you.

- Oh come now Nell.
- I can't say that I blame them.

I'm sure they find you
just as attractive as I do.

You mean that?

Well of course I do,
I always have John.

Why do you think I married you?

Because I find you the most
exciting man I've ever known.

Thank you my dear.

- Oh hello there.
- Oh not now... scoot!

I've got a swell
idea. I'm not hungry.

Let's go somewhere
where we can be alone.

Oh I think that's a
wonderful idea John.

Now we can really have
a second honeymoon.

I feel as young tonight
as I did 25 years ago.

I'll go get your coat honey.

Now don't you talk
to any more girls!

I'll try not to.

- Leaving so soon?
- Oh knock it off.

How's it going Mrs. Hall?

- Oh wonderful Sergeant.
- How can I ever thank you?

Just by being happy
for the next 25 years.

Oh Ernie, you're
sweet. Run along now.

He hardly said a word to me.

Girls, please now hold it.

Mr. Hall told me he liked
each one of you individually

and he wants me to coach
you each, for a screen test.

Now let me see,
I'll take you Monday,

you Tuesday, and you Wednesday.

- Oh what about me?
- Oh I forgot you, yes Saturday.

Saturday? What about
Thursday or Friday?

Please I want to
do some ski-ing too.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

T.J. Halligan as Gen. Wade,

Hope Sansberry as Mrs. Hall,

Nick Saunders as Cpt. Barker,

Virginia Martin as The Waitress,

Zandu Scott as Marilyn,

Marilyn Hanold as Lauren
and Vickie Taylor as Ava,

Ski clothes by Noah's
House New York,

gowns from Orbach's.

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