The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 4, Episode 34 - Bilko in Outer Space - full transcript

Grover & Ritzik win $600 & Bilko wants their winnings. They hide from Bilko but are suckered into volunteering for a special detail involving a space chamber where they think they will be alone for three days. But Bilko has other plans.

(barking orders)

There it is, $300.

Okay, okay, go ahead and shoot.

Wait a minute,
knicky-knack, paddy whack,

hope I get double my money back!

Come on baby!

7! We did it, we did it!

- We won!
- Oh Rupert, you did it!

- $600!
- $600!

Hey Francis, let's
go out and celebrate.

Wait a minute did you
forget what we planned?



If we won we'd save every
penny for our furlough.

That's right and in 7 days
we're gonna be in Hawaii

just the 3 of us.

You mean you, me and Emma?

No, I mean you,
me and the money.

Emma's gotta visit
her mother in Detroit.

Oh, Hawaii, we'll soon
be in our 50th state!

Hey, can't we go somewhere
that's out of the country?

Wait a minute we
still got 7 days to go

and $600 in our pockets.

- So?
- So?

So Bilko, if he finds
out we got $600,

we can say aloha to
Hawaii and our money.

No, we won't we just won't
play cards with him, that's all.



Oh, let's face it Rupert,
we're not that smart.

He's got us trained like dogs.

All he does is let us smell
the cards, and we roll over.

You're right, he makes us sit up
and beg him to take our money.

And when it's over, he
pats us on our heads.

Rupert, we gotta make a pact.

We're gotta promise
that neither one

will be alone with
Bilko for a minute.

Right and for the next 7 days,
I won't even let Bilko near me.

- Me too!
- Let's shake on it.

Shake!

Here, you take half the
money and I'll take half.

Let's get out of here.

Let's sneak out the back way.

What's the matter with you?

Bilko always sneaks
in the back way.

Let's sneak out the front way.

Okay, Francis but
hurry I'm scared.

All right, where are they?

Here, Rupert and
Grover boy, here boy.

- Sarge, they ain't here.
- Maybe they're hiding.

Come on Rupert, here
Grover, this is your friend Ernie.

I won't hurt you.
They're gone, Ernie.

Do you know what they won, $600?

If I could just get them
alone for a minute!

Oh, it's getting late.

No sense looking for
them tonight, Sarge!

What do you mean no sense?

When there's a fire, the fireman

don't come the next
morning, do they?

Right now there's a 600
alarm blaze going on out there.

Boys, here Rupert.
Grover, here boy!

Hey Ernie, do you think
Grover is in his room?

We searched every place
else. Where else could he be?

Maybe he's sleeping in the bank.

Sarge, its 3:00
o'clock in the morning.

Do you think he's gonna
wanna play cards at this...

Look, we got no choice.

We'll start the game
while he's still asleep.

He'll never know what hit him.

All right, wake up Grover.

It's time for the game!

Dead to the world!

I'll deal him in anyway.

When he gets 5
cards, I'll wake him up.

Okay Grover, this is it Jacks or
Better open, come on baby boy!

Here we go, up up! Show
him his cards, here we go.

He ain't here.
Look there's a note.

"You'll never get me
Bilko! Signed Grover!"

Okay if that's the way they want
it, I'm declaring open warfare.

And there will be no
peace until that entire $600

is unconditionally surrendered.

Come on!

Red Grover calling Green Ritzik.

That you Rupert?

We were right, Bilko,
just left my room

but me and my money
are safe for tonight.

I'm sleeping in the
woods. Where are you?

I'm in the drive-in theater

and the picture was
over 4 hours ago.

I gotta find another
place to hide tomorrow.

I've seen this picture
5 times already.

Rupert, you look awful.

I didn't sleep a wink
all last night in my car.

Every time I dozed
off, I fell on the horn!

I know it's rough,
we've gotta keep this up

for another 6 days.

Well, I gotta get back
to my radio shack.

- Bilko!
- Is he up for breakfast?

Yeah, he probably
wants to eat our $600.

- We gotta hide.
- Wait, in the freezer.

Rupert, Rupert,
cock-a-doodle-doo!

Come Rupert!

The early bird
catches the good hand.

He ain't here, Ernie.

He's gotta be here.
He's gotta cook breakfast.

- 1,400 guys can't eat out.
- Come on, we'll come back.

What, and take a
chance of missing him?

We'll wait right here.

Sarge, its 12:00 o'clock.

Yeah, where do you
suppose Ritzik is?

Maybe he knows I'm
here waiting for him.

He's probably got cold feet!

Sarge, why don't
we try the day room?

You're right. He knows
we're closing in on him.

Let him sweat it out.

B.b.b.b.bilko's gone.

Are you all right, Rupert?

Gee, I... I don't know.

I feel... I... I feel like
a frozen TV dinner!

He's gonna strike
again, I can feel it.

I wish he would, I can't
stand this war of nerves.

I'd rather play cards with
him and get it over with.

Rupert, don't talk like that.

Who is it? Who is it?

Mail call, special
delivery letters

for Sgt. Ritzik and Grover.

Slip 'em under the door.

Hey what's it all
about? What is this?

I don't know.
Here's yours Ritzik.

- Who's it from?
- I don't know.

There's no return
address on the envelope.

Hey, look it's a poker hand!

- I got 2 Pair!
- I got 3 Queens.

Wait, wait! Here's a note.

It says, "If you
wanna bet this hand,

call me at the post
telephone Fremont 4-2138.

Signed Ernie Bilko!"
- It's a trap!

But I got better than
Jacks, I can open.

Where's the phone?
Where's the phone?

Jerk, jerk I already got
you beat with 3 Queens!

But if I draw another
jack, I can get a full house.

Where's that
phone? Where's the...

Rupert Rupert, control yourself!

Can't you see this is
just what Bilko wants?

With a 10 cent phone
call could cost us $600.

Now, tear up the cards!

Okay, you tear up yours first.

Okay, there, I tore up 3 Queens.

Good, now I got you beat!

Now where's the phone?
Where's the phone?

Rupert, Rupert,
give me those cards!

What are you...

Now we'll be sure
to get to Hawaii!

All right, but I'm not gonna
talk to you on the whole trip!

No call yet, huh, Ernie?

I'm standing here
with a royal flush!

Hey Sarge, could I use the
phone? I wanna call my girl.

Sorry kid, you
can't use this phone

unless you got jacks or better.

- But Sarge...
- (barking orders)

Ain't that the kid
that won $25,000?

I know! I know!
I checked into it.

He's got it buried
in a can in Georgia.

Hey Ernie, they just
left Grover's room,

and they're heading
back for the kitchen.

Kitchen, so that's it.

Okay, operation
Cuba is now in effect.

Here, anybody calls, raise them!

- Any sign of Bilko?
- No!

Wait a minute, there's
somebody coming.

- It's Henshaw!
- Is he alone?

- Yeah, but we gotta be careful.
- Yeah.

What do you want, Henshaw?

Official business Ritzik,
is your kitchen clean?

What do you care?

There's gonna be
an official inspection.

By who?

By Capt. Jose Garcia
of the Cuban Army.

Cuban Army?

He's one of Fidel
Castro's top men.

He's in the States studying
American Army methods.

Here he comes. Ten-shun!

Hasta la vista, senors!

Capt. Garcia, this is
the Mess Hall kitchen.

These are Sgt.
Ritzik and Grover.

I'm happy to meet you
Sgt. Grover and Sgt. Ritzik.

Excuse me, Captain,
I'm Sgt. Ritzik.

Oh, I'm very sorry.

You see to me, without
beards everybody looks alike.

- Sit down, sit down.
- Si si, gracias.

Say, did you know
Fidel Castro personally?

Know him, si?

In the hills I slept in
the same tree with him.

Say, it must have been
tough up on those hills, huh?

Si si, we found ways to relax.

Every night Fidel
would come to my tent,

he say, "Hey come Jose,
we play a game, poco-pono."

Poco-pono? What's that?

Oh very simple game, here, here.

Sit down senor, I show you.

Fidel let me keep his cards.

You see poco-pono is a
very good game for rebels.

I teach you, you see,
each rebel get 5 card.

But you must be careful senor.
Don't let nobody see your cards.

That's no good.

You know what I mean, that's
not good they see your card.

Everybody knows what you got.

Now, in this game,
senor, you've gotta have

Jackeros or better to open.

- Well, I pass.
- I pass.

Fidel would like this.

I can open.

Never could I open
before. Now I can open.

When I play with Fidel,
we used to play for bananas.

- Senor, you got bananas?
- No.

- You got coconuts?
- No.

- What we play for?
- Well, how about money?

That's good idea.
We play for money.

I like it.

Corporal, what is this?

- $10.
- $10.

- Okay, I open $10.
- Okay, I'm in.

Senors, I am quantovanto!

What's that?

In Spanish, that
means "I am parked!"

You see... oh
senor, is still $10?

- Si.
- Okay, I open, $10.

All right, I'm out.

I see you and I got 4 kings.

Bueno! Bueno!

Un momento, senor, I got 4 Aces.

4 Aces, there's only one
guy who could pull 4 Aces!

- Bilko!
- Run Grover, run!

Run! Run!

I was too greedy, I should
have let 'em win a few hands.

Yeah, it's a good thing you
weren't really with Castro.

A few nights of
poco-pono with you

he would have had
to hitchhike to Havana.

All right, shut up!

Come on let's get outta here.

- Yeah.
- Col. Hall.

Quick! Out to the Mess Hall!

Sgt. Ritzik? Sgt. Ritzik?

What's this? Cards?

Playing cards in
the kitchen again.

I'll put a stop to this.

Boy, that was a close
one but we're safe now.

Yeah, but Bilko has
already seen the money.

It's like showing Willie
Sutton an unguarded bank.

You're right, Rupert. We
can't take any chances.

Now that Bilko's
gone in for disguises,

we gotta suspect everyone.

Do you think it's Bilko?

I don't know. Let's
not answer the door.

Sgt. Grover, open this
door. This is Col. Hall.

Oh, it's all right.
It's only the Colonel.

Not so fast, it might be
a recording of his voice!

Open this door!

Hey, that record
sounds pretty mad.

You better open
the door, Francis.

What's going on here?
Why was that door locked?

Ritzik, why aren't
you in your kitchen?

I'm sorry, Sir.

I came here to get a secret
recipe from Sgt. Grover.

You report to your
kitchen at once.

Yes, Col. Hall.

You've been neglecting
your duties all day.

Yes, Col. Hall.

I've stood enough
nonsense on this post!

Yes, Col. Hall.

But before you leave,
I have the little matter

of a game of cards
to take up with you.

Ooh, ooh, it isn't
Col. Hall, its Bilko!

He's disguised as the Colonel!

That's a pillow you got there

and you're wearing
putty on your nose!

Run, Rupert, run! Run! Run!

What's going on
here! I'm your Colonel.

You come back! I'm your Colonel.

I'm slipping I'm telling
you! I'm slipping!

Gotta think! Think!

They've held that
$600 for 18 hours now.

18 hours, I should
have it spent by now!

Relax, you'll have it by night.

Sure, that's what they
told Tom Dewey in 1948.

I gotta get a concentrated plan.

If I could just think of...
see where the trouble is?

I'm in a crisis, he's reading.

Jerk! Think! Think!

I don't have to think.
I got it all figured out.

The answer's right
here in Life Magazine.

See that Rocco, while you were
sitting here wasting your time,

Henshaw was thinking.
He's got a brilliant idea.

He's gonna take an
ad in Life Magazine.

"Come one, come
all, it's fun, fun, fun!

Free poker demonstrations.

See your dealer Ernie Bilko."

Jerk, that's a lousy idea!

Certainly that's a
lousy idea but mine isn't.

There's a story in
here about the Army

training men for space flights.

Now one of the tests
is they put these men

in a simulated rocket
chamber all alone for 3 days.

These men are completely
isolated from the outside world.

3 days alone in
a rocket chamber,

just Grover, Ritzik,
me and a deck of cards.

Take your hat off! There's
a genius in this room!

That's a great idea!

Henshaw, your
clucking days are over.

You've finally laid
the golden egg.

Now, the first thing we gotta
do is get Ritzik and Grover

to volunteer for this
space experiment.

Ha, I know! I know! I know!

Rocco, he doesn't.

He wants to know, how do we
get Grover and Ritzik to volunteer?

Simple, it's the perfect
hiding place from Bilko

but the beautiful part of it is,

is that Bilko will be in there
with them for 3 beautiful days.

Your hat's on again!
There's a genius here!

Look, Steve, how do we get
Grover and Ritzik to volunteer?

Simple, you just get them
alone and talk them into it.

Jerk if I could get them alone,

I wouldn't need
space experiments.

You can put your hat on again.

I'm carrying the ball from here.

Paparelli, Zimmerman...
(barking orders)

You were just that close
to it then you goofed.

What is it, Sarge, we were
just going to the movies.

Never mind that, I want you
to do some dirty work for me.

Oh, that's
different. What is it?

First thing you do, go to
Ritzik's kitchen, volunteer for KP.

Is that the dirty work?

No, that's the sloppy work,
the dirty work comes later.

Here...

Oh boy, only 3 more days.
Are you finished yet Francis?

Yeah, I got the entire
outside of the building wired.

As soon as anyone comes
near, the alarm goes off.

An alarm, with
a few extra volts,

we could have got
rid of Bilko forever.

The alarm!

Gee, what good is an
alarm, there's no place to hide.

- In the freezer!
- I'd rather give him the money.

Come on!

Hey, where is everybody?

I don't know maybe
the alarm was an air raid.

Oh, it's only you
guys, come on out

from behind the
leg of lamb, Francis.

Look, who it is, it's
Paparelli, and Zimmerman.

That's what they say.
But we better make sure.

Hey, cut it out,
your hands are cold.

Sorry fellas, but we
can't take any chances.

What do you want?

The Colonel put us on KP
for company punishment.

Why? What did you do?

They're not gonna shoot
me up into outer space.

Dino, they're not gonna
shoot you into outer space.

- It's only an experiment.
- What kind of an experiment?

Oh, they're studying
the endurance of man.

They put 2 men into an
isolated chamber for 3 days

to see if they can
withstand the heat,

the loneliness and
the gravitational pull.

3 days alone, no contact
with the outside world.

Excuse me.

Rupert, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

I'm not even thinking
what I'm thinking.

What are you talking about?

Rupert, 3 days before
we start for Hawaii.

If we can get in that
space chamber for 3 days,

Bilko can't touch us.

Ooh, ooh, that's
right for 3 days...

Hey Zimmerman, how do
you get in on that space deal?

Oh, all volunteers
have to take a physical

in the doctor's
office at midnight.

Why midnight?

Well, the scientists
found out it's always night

when you go to the moon,
and they wanna examine you

under the same conditions.
- That makes sense.

Rupert, keep your
fingers crossed.

They might pick us.

Rudy you know what to do.

When these 2 guys get in
give them a full examination.

You know what I mean,
ears nose, chest everything

and then you pass them.

What if I find anything wrong?

How can you find anything wrong?

You're a soda
jerk in a drug store.

You sure I won't
get in any trouble?

No trouble at all, the
doctor's home sleeping.

Now look, once in a while
use medical expressions,

you know the ones you
hear at the drugstore.

Wait a minute, Rudy;
you got tutti fruiti on you.

- Okay.
- Can I get my 10 bucks now?

10 bucks, what do you
think you are, a specialist?

Here's 5 bucks
and your cab fare.

Sarge, Sarge, here they come!

Okay, all right, guys line up!

Rudy start practicing.
We'll be in the next room.

Come on all right
fellas, line it up!

Line it up!

I hope we're not too late.

Doberman, did they
pick anybody yet?

No, they washed
up 30 guys so far.

Hey, it must be
a tough physical.

I'm sorry, soldier,
you're underweight.

Unacceptable, next!

Ooh, ooh, we still
have a chance.

How long have
you had that cough?

I ain't coughing?

Oh, hard of hearing
too, unacceptable, next!

Hey Doberman is
the last one before us.

Yeah but if they pick him,
there won't be room for 2 guys.

- What's wrong, Doc?
- I can't find your heartbeat.

I keep striking your
stomach everywhere.

- Not acceptable, next.
- I feel fine, Doc.

Hmm, heart sounds good,
lungs are fine, eyes are clear.

Now I just wanna
test your reflexes,

can you bend over
and touch your toes.

No, I can't.

Good, that's all solid
muscle back there.

You're acceptable
- Hey I made it!

Hey, good luck, Francis.

- You're acceptable.
- Ain't you gonna examine me?

I don't have to I just examined
the man in front of you.

Rupert, we made it!
We made it! We made it!

Thanks Doc. We
made it! We made it!

They made it! They made it!

By tomorrow morning at
8:00 o'clock they'll be in orbit,

flying around in my wallet!

Rudy the setup is perfect.

Now what are you nervous about?

Are you sure this
won't take long, Bilko?

I gotta get back the drug
store opens in an hour

and I can be arrested
in this uniform.

Relax, all I need with
them is 10 minutes.

Now where are they?
They should be here by now.

Zimmerman and Paparelli
went to pick 'em up.

They're probably
having a hard time

getting into them
space uniforms.

- Hey, someone's coming.
- Where?

Quick, into the bush here!

Space volunteers Ritzik
and Grover reporting

for Operation Isolation, Sir.

Good! How do you men feel?

- Fine Doc.
- Fine fine!

Good, now let me
give you instructions,

once you enter
this space chamber,

it will be as if you've
been blasted off into space

and will not re-enter the
earth's atmosphere for 3 days.

Good, and as soon
as we get out of here,

we'll go right to
the S.S. Honolulu.

I'll be in constant
radio contact with you!

Good luck to both of you.

Come on Rupert, we
finally put one over on Bilko.

I got 'em at last 2 rich little
sardines packed tight in a can.

Gee, I never thought we'd be
traveling through outer space

sitting around a bridge table.

I wonder what the
other chair is for?

I don't know but
these scientists

they have a reason
for everything.

Here Rudy, make
your announcement.

I'll get into the space suit.

Earth calling spacemen
Ritzik and Grover!

Ooh, ooh, they're calling us.

This is spaceman Grover,
we can hear you, earth!

In simulated flight, you are
now 300,000 feet from the earth!

We are now going to
attempt a space transference,

a man in another rocket
coming from the moon

will fly alongside your side.

And at a given signal
you will open the hatch,

and the spaceman will
transfer from his ship to yours.

How do you like that, another
spaceman coming in here?

I guess that's what
this other chair was for.

I told you those scientists
know what they're doing.

Wait a minute, do I
have the cards with me?

They're right in your
left-hand pocket, Ernie.

Good, good. Go ahead! Go ahead!

You will open the hatch at zero.

Get ready for the
countdown; 10, 9, 8, 7...

- Hold it, someone's coming.
- Quick into the bush!

Wait, wait, it's
only Fleischman.

Hey Sarge, the Colonel
wants to see you right away.

Tell him I'll be right
there. We got no time now.

He said immediately,
right this minute.

All right, all right.

Okay, keep them in
there at 300,000 feet Rudy.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

Come in.

Good morning Sir.

May I say we're up and bright
and early this morning, Sir?

Get the staff car, Bilko.
We're leaving in 5 minutes.

- Leaving?
- Yes, for Fort Brody in Nevada.

A General Staff meeting
has suddenly been called.

- We'll be back in 3 days.
- 3 days?

But Sir, I have my
duties at the Motor Pool.

- The men need me Sir.
- I need you Bilko, to drive!

Now come on, let's go!

Oh, but Sir, can I
just have 15 minutes

to say goodbye to
some friends, Sir.

They're going on
a long plane trip.

Send them a postcard.
Now get the car, Bilko!

You'll be back in
3 days! Yes, Sir.

Gee, it's 2 hours. I
wonder where Ernie is?

Hey, I can't wait anymore.

I gotta get back
to the drugstore,

and start making my egg salad.

Yeah, but what about
Ritzik and Grover?

Earth to spacemen,
because of unforeseen

atmospheric disturbances,

the transference is
temporarily postponed.

You will proceed with
normal operations.

You will find your food supply
in the locker under the table.

I recommend the
devilled ham. Signing off!

Well, there's nothing
to do but relax.

Yeah. What a setup!

Here Francis, have a sandwich.

Listen Hensh, when
you spoke to the Sarge,

did he say when he'll be back?

He said he'll be here by
8:00 this morning at the latest.

He better hurry, in one
more hour their 3 days are up,

and they're gonna
wanna get out of there.

How about a game of
Actors and Actresses?

Oh, I'm sick of games.

We've been playing
games for 3 days now.

Take it easy Rupert in another
hour our 3 days will be up.

We'll be on our way
to Hawaii with $600!

- Yeah.
- Hey Ernie, you made it!

You still got a few minutes.

Good, good. Are
they still in there?

Yeah, they sure are, but
boy it's cost us a fortune.

We had to throw food in
that hatch every 3 hours.

Don't worry about
it. I'll get it all back.

Where's the doctor?

Well, he delivered the sandwiches
and went back to the drugstore.

All right, go on.
Make radio contact.

Okay.

Earth to spacemen, atmospheric
conditions are now favourable.

We are going to attempt
a space transference.

Stand by to open the hatch at 0,

- Open hatch!
- Open hatch!

Close hatch!

Welcome spaceman,
have a sandwich.

Too bad you didn't
get here sooner.

We're getting' out
of here in an hour.

That's all the time I'll need.

- Let us out, Bilko!
- Please! Please, Bilko!

- Let us out!
- Please Bilko!

- Oh Bilko!
- Oh! Oh!

Listen to that, horrible!

Yeah, wish he'd get it over
with quick, I'm only human.

It's quiet in there now.

You know what that
means, the game has started.

What are you hearing? 2 moans,

that means Bilko,
won another hand.

Ten-shun!

Cpl. Barbella, Henshaw,
what's going on here?

What is this?

Well, Sir, it's a...
a, it's a... hmmm.

I think I can explain Sir.

It's a, it's a... look
at that sign, Sir.

US Army Experimental
Space Chamber.

Do you know anything
about this, Barker?

- No, Sir.
- Who is in there?

In where, Sir?

Cpl. Barbella, I know
this is top secret,

but you can tell your Colonel.

Who's in there!

Sergeants Grover,
Ritzik and Bilko, Sir!

Ah-ha, Barker, you
are seeing history.

This is the first outer
space poker game!

Ah-ha, a microphone.
Well that's convenient.

450, 500, 600, are you
sure that's all there is?

I mean you got no change
in your space pockets, huh?

Attention space gamblers,
this is earthman Colonel Hall.

May I commend you for
your courageous effort?

Now come out here
and get your decorations.

Well, gentlemen I guess the
flight experiment didn't work out.

It's back to the drawing board.

Oh Colonel Hall, thank
heavens you're here, Sir.

I have wonderful news!

We found that the
men at 400,000 feet

are not bothered by
any gravitational pull, Sir.

Will you shut up Bilko?

I wanna know what this is all
about and I want the entire truth!

Well, Corporal Henshaw
this is your baby.

- Suppose you carry the ball!
- Cut it out, Bilko!

Whatever it is, I'm holding
all of you responsible.

Sir, I must admit that Grover
and Ritzik weren't in on this, Sir.

I tricked them into the game.

What did this little
trick cost them?

$600, Sir.

Well, seems the higher the
altitude, the higher the larceny.

Give it back to them, Bilko!

Oh surely the Colonel
can't mean that.

- After all it's...
- That's an order!

Take the money and
go in your furlough

and don't come
back till you're broke!

- We made it!
- Hawaii!

Hurraaay for Colonel Hall!

Sir, that was mighty
decent of you, Sir.

That's not the only decent
thing I'm going to do Bilko.

I'm going to let you,
Rocco and Henshaw

continue your space experiments.

- Really, Sir?
- Yes.

We've got a little space
over in the guard house.

You'll be outside the earth's
atmosphere for 10 days.

Well, spacemen,
you heard the Colonel.

Shall we start the countdown?

10, 9, 8, 7...

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.

Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover.

Paul Lynde as Rudy the doctor.

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