The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 4, Episode 32 - Bilko's Casino - full transcript
Bilko establishes the only legal gambling casino in California. Everything is going fine, until a group of mobsters muscle their way in.
Bilko, reporting for sick call.
How many sick men you got?
- 4.
- Come on in.
Okay, let's start the game.
- Hold it, Bilko.
- That's 2 bucks a head.
2 bucks a head, the guy in
the library only charges a buck.
That's my price.
Take it or leave it.
He's got me fellas this
is the only safe place
left on the post to gamble.
Too bad this isn't England.
At least they got
socialized medicine there.
Okay, here. Where
are we gonna play?
Use the operating table.
That's great now we
can lose our money
and appendix at the same time.
What if the doctor comes in?
Oh, he's out on
an emergency call.
- How do you know?
- Who do you think called him?
Look alive!
All right gentlemen
the game is blackjack.
- Here's my money.
- Put that money away.
Medic, give me
those seltzer tablets
and a glass of
water for each man.
Put the money away suppose
somebody walked in here
and saw the money?
As I said before gentlemen, the
name of the game is blackjack.
This is the bag
there's 25 chips in here.
5 for each man, you each owe
me $5 right. That is your starter.
The name of the
game is blackjack.
Oh boy, this is the way I like
to play cards, safe and sanitary.
Now you're talkin. All right
gentlemen, here we go.
We're rocking and
rollin' all the time,
fetch your chips right
now, blackjack, put down.
How much are you betting?
You, you, you, you,
me, you, you, you, me.
And the dealer has an ace!
Young Dr. Malone is
starting early this evening.
Oh wait, now wait! We
haven't even started.
It's the Colonel.
Give me those chips put
them in the water, quick!
Look out! Look out.
Very natural, be very natural.
What's going on here, Bilko?
Nothing Sir, just a bad
case of mass indigestion,
Sir, but we'll be all
right in no time at all, Sir.
Drink up, men.
You mean you all just happened
to get indigestion together?
Now you see, Sir, we believe
its Sgt. Ritzik's fault, Sir.
Last night he
served us veal ragu,
and I think he put too much
rag and not enough goo in it Sir.
- Drink men.
- You know what I think, Bilko?
You're using this
dispensary to gamble in
just like you use the library,
the laundry room and my garage!
Oh really, Sir, gamble
in a doctor's office,
I have much too much respect
for the medical profession
- to do that, Sir.
- I see.
What are these..Get Well cards?
Look, fellas what the
doctor has under the sheet.
Well, I guess there's
no harm in relaxing
with a little Solitaire in
between operations, is there?
You can't fool me, Bilko.
These are your cards and the
chips must be around somewhere!
Oh, that's where they
are, you drank them.
Ah, Paparelli, looks
like you're the big winner.
Oh no, Sir. We just
started playing...
Oh Sir, he doesn't know
what he's saying, Sir.
He's feverish.
Where is the doctor?
There's never a doctor
now when you need one.
- Doctor!
- Doctor!
Quiet!
You're looking at
the doctor right now
and this doctor is going to
give you a little prescription
for you and your platoon.
Work! Hard work!
Very hard work!
Oh, Sir do you think that's
fair with the men being so sick.
You know they really
are very sick, Sir.
Quiet! Quiet!
Tomorrow you will report
to the Grove City USO.
They've requested
a detail of volunteers
to clean the building
from top to bottom.
You'll be glad to
volunteer, won't you Bilko?
- Sir...
- I thought so, Bilko.
Now, you be at the USO
at 8:00 in the morning.
Right this way, gentlemen
and do be careful with the stairs.
Follow me.
Hey Sarge, look at the gambling
tables and the roulette wheels!
How about that? The
USO is just a front.
I'm afraid it's an awful mess.
I hope you don't mind
cleaning up down here.
I would love cleaning
up down here.
I don't understand.
What are all these games
of chance doing here?
Well, all these things belong
to the original
owner of the house.
Nick the Greek lived here?
No, he wasn't a Greek.
He's was Mexican.
The house was built by General
Hernando over a 100 years ago.
Hmm, I'd like to
know his decorator.
Look, how come the cops
never raided this place.
It's illegal.
Oh, the police know
all about this room.
Strangely enough, this is
the only place in California
where gambling is
legal. So if you'll just...
Ah, ah, would you mind
repeating that last sentence about
gambling being
legal in this house.
- Oh, that's only a technicality.
- Well, let's get technical.
You see, I'm doing a thesis
on early American gambling...
ah I mean history.
I'm a little vague about it,
but it all started back in 1848
when General Hernandez...
Yes, yes go on.
Oh Miss Adams, we
seem to have run out
of ping pong balls upstairs.
Look, under the
sofa. We're very busy.
- Go on dear.
- Well, back in 1848...
But Miss Adams, we're right
in the middle of a tournament...
Do you mind, ping pong
may be through around here.
We're talking about
important things.
- Go on dear, what?
- Well, back in 1848.
General Hernando retired
from the Mexican Army
and helped the
settlers in California.
Oh, Viva la Hernando!
And in gratitude the
Governor decreed
that only in General Hernando's
house would gambling be permitted.
Viva la California!
That means, gambling
is legal in this house!
Oh I don't know but
I'm sure you can look up
the old grant in the courthouse.
Well, Sergeant, you
don't need me anymore.
I'm sure you know
what to do around here.
Yes, we know exactly what to do.
All right fellas,
let's clean up here.
I'm sure the ladies will
have some hot cocoa for us
when we're through...
- How about this!
- How about that, Ernie?
Legalized gambling
right here in Grove City!
Yeah!
Hey, that means as long
as we play in this building,
the cops can't touch us!
What do you mean touch us?
They'll be in here playing with us!
Yeah!
Come on, let's go over
to the old courthouse.
Right, Sarge.
Where, where?
Where are you going?
Stay here and work! Move, move!
Ah-ha, here it is.
Land Grants 1850,
listen to this one.
"The State of
California hereby grants
to Mr. William Holly one
hundred acres of wood.
Hereafter to be called
Holly's Woods, California."
How about that!
Wait a minute, wait till
you hear the rest of this.
"When Mr. Holly died,
he left the 25 acres of hills
to his little
granddaughter, Beverly."
- Beverly Hills, history.
- We're looking at history!
Those were the days to
have been here, huh Sarge?
All that land just
being given away.
My grandfather
should have been here.
What a city that would
have made, San Franbilko!
Hey, Ernie there it is,
General Raphael Hernando!
This is it gentlemen.
The next few lines tells
us where there's gonna be
another California gold rush!
Well, read it Ernie! Read it!
No, no read it out loud, Sarge!
Please, I'm not
through praying yet.
You better read it Henshaw.
My eyeballs are revolving.
Yeah.
"The State of
California hereby grants
to General Raphael
Hernando immunity
to the gambling
laws of California
as long as his house
shall remain in existence.
Did you hear that, Ernie?
Immunity to the gambling laws!
This is it, something I
always dreamed about,
a vaccination
against the police.
- Boys, this is it!
- What?
We can be open by payday!
Open what?
Ernie Bilko's Hacienda Club,
a private gambling casino
open only to the
public 24 hours a day!
Yeah, but Sarge, the
building belongs to the USO.
So what, America once
belonged to the Indians.
You're not gonna
let little details
stand in the way of progress.
You mean we're gonna
take over the USO?
The minute they lose
their lease, we step in.
Yeah, but Ernie, wait a minute.
How are we gonna
get the USO to move?
Simple, a boycott!
We keep the soldiers
away from the USO
and once their
business falls off,
they're stuck with a
kitchen full of cold cocoa,
and stale doughnuts and they
start looking for a new location.
Brilliant!
Ernie, if your brains were
harnessed for peaceful purposes,
you'd win the Nobel Prize!
Come on, every minute we
stand here complimenting me,
we're losing money, come on!
Blind spot, just keep doing
what you've been doing.
Hey, here comes
some guys, Sarge.
Hold the flowers. Hi
boys, you going inside?
Yeah, we have a
billiard match going.
Oh didn't you hear, the
billiard room is closed today.
But I've got great
news they're having
a wonderful hymn singing inside.
Hymns?
Oh yes, your favorite
hymns, turn to page 23,
that's the first hymn
we're doing today,
"In the Sweet Bye and Bye."
If you wanna sing
tenor, be free to do so.
"In the sweet, in the sweet,
bye and bye, bye and bye..."
Chuck, let's find a pool room.
Now wait a minute
now, just fellas,
you're gonna miss
the English Madrigals...
"Tra, la, la, la, la..."
They're gone, Sarge.
Good, how many have
we turned away so far?
28 in the last hour.
Yesterday we turned away 60.
I didn't know the
USO was so popular.
Hey here comes 2 more.
Come on, Ed, we'll
be able to catch
the first inning of
the ball game on TV.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry fellas,
the TV'll be shut off today
but there will be announcing
the scores all during the contest.
- What contest?
- The flower arrangement contest.
Oh here, here are some
tulips for your friend,
some daffodils for you.
Now if you go inside,
they'll give a vase
and all the water you need!
Are you kidding, Mac!
Come on let's find
a bar with a TV set.
You'll be sorry the first prize is
a monogrammed window box!
Hey, the hostess must be
getting lonely in there, huh?
They're gonna get a lot lonelier
if this keeps up a few more
days, we'll shut them down.
Here comes another one.
Hi soldier, you're just in time.
We're having a
Poetry Festival today.
- Poetry Festival?
- Oh yes, isn't it exciting.
We're doing Longfellow, "Under
the spreading chestnut tree
the village smithy stands.
- The smith..."
- Get lost.
Oh wait, we're doing By
The Shores Of Gitche Gumee.
Say Ernie let me
see the list again.
Here it is, pal, all signed,
sealed and delivered.
Oh boy, 3 years with options.
I already took up the options.
We got it for 5 years.
Oh there she is.
Isn't she lovely?
Promise her anything
but give her Arpege.
Edna my love, is the Colonel in?
What are you asking me for?
Don't you have him
under 24 hour guard?
Look, if we need a bouncer
for the casino, this is it.
Come in.
- Sir.
- What is it, Bilko?
Well, as you know, Sir, I have
a 2 week furlough coming up.
Oh yes, I almost
forgot the pattern,
2 weeks on and 2 weeks off.
Oh drat it, I only
wish I had a pencil,
I could write down
these witticism so.
Sir, why don't you
put them in a book?
Bennett Cerf would
publish it in a minute, Sir.
All right, hand me the
furlough paper, Bilko.
There you are, Sir.
The way I look at it, a
2 week furlough for you,
is like a 2 week
vacation for me.
Thank you, Sir.
Well, I suppose I'll get the
usual post card from Las Vegas.
Oh no, Sir, I'm staying
right here in town.
You see I'm opening
a little business
and I wanna get it started.
A business?
What kind of a shady
operation is it, Bilko?
Oh, it's not shady at all,
Sir, perfectly legitimate.
- It's all very legal!
- Really?
- Now what is it?
- A gambling casino!
A gambling casino?
You almost had me going,
Bilko. A gambling casino!
You would like
that, wouldn't you?
- Oh.
- Opening a gambling casino.
It's like the fulfillment
of my life's dream, Sir.
Where are you gonna have
this gambling casino, Bilko?
Out near the abandoned airport?
No, Sir, right in the
center of town, Sir!
Don't tell me, I know.
You've taken over
the old USO building.
That's it, Sir.
How do you like this name,
Bilko's Hacienda Club?
All right, Bilko,
a joke's a joke.
- That's enough!
- Yes, Sir.
Oh Sir, the grand
opening is Saturday night.
We'd like you to be
one of our guests.
Bilko, it's not funny anymore.
Get out of here!
A gambling casino on Grove City?
Oh, it's impossible, impossible!
I must keep saying that
if I wanna keep my sanity.
Impossible! It's impossible!
All right, come on
move it! Move it!
Let's get working. Move it!
Where do you want this
blackjack table to go, Sarge?
Right next to the front door,
we'll get the customers
coming and going, move it!
Hey Sarge, this roulette pad
just came back from the cleaners.
All right, set it up now.
We'll take the customers
to the cleaners, move it!
Hey Sarge, Sarge, I just ordered
the chips over the telephone.
Did you get the right
colors, white, red and blue?
No, only salted.
Jerk, not potato chips,
poker chips, move it!
Sarge, Sarge, quick
the Colonel's coming.
- Let's get out of here, come on!
- Hey, what's all the panic?
That's right, I forget,
we are legitimate.
I don't believe it!
I don't believe it!
Welcome Sir, to
the Hacienda Club.
We're not open
yet officially, Sir,
but if you wanna take a
little flyer on something.
I don't believe it!
I was walking along the street
and everything
looked just as usual
and suddenly I saw
it, The Hacienda Club,
24 hour gambling,
Ernest Bilko, your host.
- I don't believe it!
- Oh, it's true Sir.
I finally reaped the
fruits of my labour.
Bilko, are you out of your mind?
You know you can't have
gambling in California.
I'll have this place closed in 5
minutes, where's the phone?
Sir, you don't
seem to understand.
These restrictions
don't apply to me.
They don't, huh? You
make your own law.
Well, no, but I had the
original one photostatted, Sir.
As you see, I have
the complete sanction
of the first Governor
of California.
You're really prepared,
aren't you, Bilko?
Oh yes, this morning
I had a nice long talk
with the Chief of Police and
the Mayor and it's wonderful, Sir.
Look, it's as legal
as a supermarket.
Well, I can stop you, Bilko.
You're still in the Army.
And proud to be, Sir.
But as you know
the Army law states,
a man can indulge in his own
business if it's on his own time!
There must be
some way to stop you.
I don't know which way, Sir.
I looked and looked; I
couldn't seem to find anything.
These are not my words,
Bilko, but mark them well,
"I shall return!"
Wow, he's mad!
I hope he don't
come here to gamble,
he looks like a sore loser.
All right, let's work! Work!
Busy bodies, everybody move it.
Let's get this place
spanking clean.
Sarge, these gentlemen
wants to see you.
Oh how do you do, Sir?
You must be from the
paper toweling concession
see our attendant
a Mr. Doberman.
No Bilko, my
business is with you.
With me, well please
be brief I'm very busy.
Well, my name is Travis Randall
and I represent the Consolidated
Amusement Corporation.
It has come to the
attention of our board
that you are opening a gambling
establishment in Grove City.
Yes, this Saturday night the
Wheel of Fortune comes up
at my lucky number.
Well, on behalf of
our organization,
may we wish you a
success in your new venture?
Thank you.
And may we extend an invitation
to you to visit us this evening
to discuss a
business proposition.
Business proposition?
What kind of a proposition?
Well, our Mr. Corell will
discuss that with you tonight.
The address is on the card.
- 00 o'clock, sharp.
Yes, thank you.
Hey Sarge, what's
this all about?
Don't you see, I'm in! I'm in!
You're in where?
Don't you see, Consolidated
Amusement Corporation,
Rudy Corell, President.
This is like the General
Motors of gambling.
What do they want you for?
Oh don't you see, they wanna
complete the link, Las Vegas,
Havana and now Grove City.
Well, boys, I'm finally
on my way to the top!
I'm with the big boys!
You know
something, it's not true.
- What's not true, Ernie?
- Nice guys don't finish last.
Sgt. Bilko, how
nice of you to come.
I'm Rudy Corell and
these are my associates,
- Mr. Medwick of our Detroit office.
- How do you do?
And Mr. Franklin of Miami.
Mr. Franklin glad to meet
you... say haven't we met before?
No, I don't think so.
I've seen that face,
of course on television,
the McClellan hearings.
Say, you gave that
young Senator his what-for.
I mean, you're not opening
your books to anybody!
Yes, Sergeant, we've
had our little troubles.
But Mr. Randolph, our
attorney has been a great help.
Now can I help you
anything, coffee, cognac?
No, thanks, later perhaps.
Well, please sit down
and we'll have a little chat.
Thank you, now here is how I
run my operation, I get the boys...
I'll do the
chatting, Sgt. Bilko.
- You do the listening.
- Okay.
Now let me explain how
our organization works.
At the end of every
business week,
all the proceeds from
the gambling casinos
are sent into the main office.
Oh I see, and then
it's divided equally
amongst us 4 stockholders?
Not quite, you see, Sergeant,
as a new member
in the organization,
there are certain
introductory charges
that come out of your share.
Oh, I see like paying dues.
Yes, something like that.
Very roughly to begin
with you'll pay 25%
of your gross to
us for services.
- Services, what services?
- Just services.
Oh well, it's deductible and
that leaves me with a neat 75%.
Not quite you see, there's a 30%
charge for gambling equipment.
That's where I have you I have
my own gambling equipment.
Wonderful then you'll just
have to pay for the maintenance
which comes out to 30%.
Maintenance, I have the
finest repairmen in the country.
But I have the biggest
repairmen in the country.
Well, that just leaves me 45%.
Not quite you see there's an
additional 30% charge for overhead.
- Overhead?
- What overhead?
Sgt. Bilko, this house
doesn't come cheap.
Well, what does this
house got to do with me?
What colour is this
house Sergeant?
White.
May I remind you
that you the President
always live in the White House?
But Mr. President, that
only leaves me with 15%.
Not quite. Not quite.
You see, there's an
additional 15% charge.
For what? We're working on it.
Well, you see I'm not
very good at mathematics,
but the way you've worked
it out, I'm left with nothing.
Not quite, you will get
completely and without charge
all the money taken in on
the hatcheck concession.
Hatcheck concession,
well this is California.
It's warm. Nobody wears hats.
I'm afraid that is the
way the cookie crumbles.
Oh, well, it's a very attractive
offer but I'm not interested.
Sgt. Bilko, I'm not interested
that you're not interested.
Mr. Randolph could we have
the necessary papers, please?
Papers? Well, look, the
way you've got it worked out,
I'm getting, absolutely I
walk out of here with nothing.
Financially perhaps, but at
least you walk out of here.
Now here's an agreement whereby
you sublease the casino to us.
Oh, I see and
then we're partners.
Not quite. You are a partner.
We are the owners.
Sign it please.
Well, I'd like to have
my attorney look at this.
Well, certainly.
Mr. Randolph, would you look
this over please for your client?
Happy to..looks fine
to me, sign it now.
Very good now I'll just file
this with the real estate agent
and everything will be
absolutely legal and official.
Good day, Sgt. Bilko, see you
Saturday night at the opening.
Oh yes, but don't send me
any flowers for good luck.
I don't think I could afford it.
You mean after all our work,
they're gonna take everything.
Not quite they're leaving me
with the hatcheck concession.
Look, Ernie, why
didn't you tell them off?
Jerk! If I told them off,
you think I'd be here now
telling you that
I told them off?
Hey Sarge, why don't we give
them the hatcheck concession too
and get out while
we're all still healthy.
- Yeah.
- What's wrong with you guys?
You think they would stop.
You think they'd be satisfied
muscling in on the casino?
Not these guys.
They wouldn't be happy
until they put the screws
on every honest
citizen in Grove City.
Gee, I'm scared
and I'm in the Army.
All right, I let those rats in.
It's up to me to see
that they get out.
Let's go in and tear
them apart, Sarge.
Paparelli, for the time
being, let's use my brain,
when I want brawn,
I'll send for you.
All right, how are you
gonna get rid of them, Sarge.
They're pretty smart cookies.
Hey Sarge, maybe I can help.
- I used to be a Junior G-Man.
- Hold it!
Maybe it's time for
Junior to grow up, huh?
Doberman, you got a picture
of you when you were a civilian.
Yeah, but it ain't
too good, Sarge.
Naturally, let me look at it.
Hey Sarge, what are you
gonna do with my picture?
Doberman, I'm gonna
squeal on you to the big boys.
I'm gonna tell them
who you really are.
- Who am I?
- An undercover man for the FBI.
That's a pretty big
cover he's under.
Sugie, get me a
pen and some paper,
I'm gonna write an
anonymous letter.
Fender. Get my
suitcase, on the double!
Are you leaving town, Sarge?
No, but the big boys are
after I pay them a
little visit tomorrow.
Here's the pen and paper, Sarge.
Good boy, Sugie.
Here Roc, take a
letter but be sure
that this picture
goes with the letter.
Right.
"Dear Mr. Correll, you've
done me a good turn once
when I was in a
jam with the cops.
Now it's time I
done one for you."
"I don't know what business
you have in Grove City
but the FBI has one of
their crack agents there.
His name is Steve Polachek
and he works strictly undercover.
Watch out, he is fast in
the brains department.
He got me for 4 years. I
am enclosing his picture.
Good luck and
thanks again. A friend."
Ever seen him before, Randolph?
- I don't think so.
- How about you?
I don't get it, why should
the FBI send a man here?
- We've got a legal operation.
- Perhaps it isn't legal.
- What do you mean?
- They've been after us for years.
Doesn't it suddenly seem
strange that only one house
in all of California has
legalized gambling?
Well, you checked the deeds
in the courthouse yourself.
- They could have been forgeries.
- Why?
To trick us into opening an
illegal gambling operation.
Once we open up
on Saturday night,
we're sitting ducks for the D.A.
Oh maybe we're
jumping to conclusions.
This FBI man may
be in Grove City
on completely
different business.
Rudy, that soldier
Bilko is here.
He says it's
important. Show him in.
Okay Bilko.
Oh, good afternoon gentlemen.
I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.
What's so important, Bilko?
Well, I've done a lot
of thinking last night,
and I've come to the conclusion,
I'm not ready for the big time.
So I've decided to turn the
whole business over to you.
- Oh, you have?
- Yes.
I've drawn up this paper
that gives you the casino
lock, stock and crap tables
if you'll just sign this release
What's your hurry, Bilko?
Hurry? I'm in no hurry.
My plane, don't
leave for 2 hours.
What's the matter
with you, Bilko?
What are you so panicky about?
Panicky? Who's panicky?
I'm not. Just sign
this release, please.
Okay, Bilko. We
want the truth now.
What are you trying to hide?
- Me?
- They're out to get me!
Who's out to get you?
I don't know, strange things
are happening at the casino.
What strange things?
Well, every time I lift
the phone I hear this,
click, click, click!
It sounds like a tap.
No, it sounds like
a click, click, click.
And then there's this other thing.
- What other thing?
I found this in the wastepaper
basket, a microphone!
They got the place bugged!
Who could do it?
Who'd be out to get me?
- They're all my own boys.
- Maybe it's one of your men.
No, never in a million years.
These guys are...
look I even carry
this picture of them
as a remembrance.
Did you ever see a more
loyal group than that?
Who's this little fat man?
Oh that's Doberman.
He's the favourite.
He keeps us
chuckling all the time.
Really? Take a
look at this picture.
Oh, Duane as a civilian?
Not quite, as an FBI man.
That's Steve Polacheck!
Doberman? My Doberman!
Why, I just took a
shower with him yesterday.
You were right, Randolph.
The whole thing is a trap.
Hey, why didn't I think of it?
Of course Doberman,
he installed the phone.
It was Doberman that cleans my
wastepaper basket 3 times a day.
I should have listened
to you Randolph.
I'm sure now that
deed was a forgery.
But they don't have us yet,
we just won't open the casino.
We're still in trouble.
That place is loaded
with gambling equipment
and now the lease
is filed in our name.
Sign this paper so I can
catch my plane please.
Shut up, Bilko, think Randolph,
this is your department.
Wait a minute I
just mailed that list
to the real estate officer.
It won't get to them
until tomorrow morning?
Tomorrow? I'll be
in Hawaii tomorrow.
But the gambling
equipment is still there.
The police are
probably just waiting
for us to come and do that.
But if we leave it there
the cops will walk in,
and have the goods on us.
We've got to get rid
of that gambling casino.
We've got to change
that building overnight
into something legitimate
like a beauty parlour,
or a flower shop.
- I got it!
A place the cops will
never suspect, a USO.
- A USO?
- That's not a bad idea.
How fast can you do it, Bilko?
Well, with your money and
my boys, a couple of hours?
What will you need?
What will I need?
Well, I need a ping
pong table, a billiard table,
a piano, a doughnut machine.
Is that all? Not quite!
A stereophonic hi-fi
set, a television set...
I can't get over it.
Did you do all this by
yourself, Sgt. Bilko?
That's the very least I
can do when you consider
the many pleasant
hours I spend here.
Oh, incidentally, here's the
lease signed over to the USO.
My partner wanted it that way.
How wonderful. Who is he?
We'd like to thank him.
Well, if you don't mind, he
prefers to remain anonymous.
- I see.
- Well, Sarge, it's all done.
We're burning all the
gambling equipment in the back.
Wanna come out and see it?
I'm afraid my tears
would put out the fire.
I don't believe it!
I don't believe it!
Oh, Sir, welcome to the USO.
I don't know what
you're doing Bilko
but I'm sure it's just a
front for a gambling joint.
No Sir, it's just the
same old good old USO.
So why don't you have some
coffee and some doughnuts, Sir?
Doughnuts, they're
probably little roulette wheels.
Oh Colonel, nice to see you.
You're just in time for a
good old fashioned hymn sing.
- Hymn sing...
- Freeze!
Freeze you creeps!
You heard the hostess.
This is a hymn sing,
around the piano quickly!
And we'll sing it
clearly with reverence
and very, very alco polco.
In the sweet bye and bye,
we will meet on
the beautiful shore.
Won't you join us, Sir?
- In the sweet.
- In the sweet.
- Bye and bye.
- Bye and bye..."
Splendid, Sir.
We will meet
on the beautiful shore.
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:
Murray Matheson as Rudy Correll.
Doro Merande as
assistant hostess.
Sloan Simpson as the hostess.
And Melville Ruick
as Mr. Randolph.
Trailers.to: Watch Full HD Movies & TV Shows
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How many sick men you got?
- 4.
- Come on in.
Okay, let's start the game.
- Hold it, Bilko.
- That's 2 bucks a head.
2 bucks a head, the guy in
the library only charges a buck.
That's my price.
Take it or leave it.
He's got me fellas this
is the only safe place
left on the post to gamble.
Too bad this isn't England.
At least they got
socialized medicine there.
Okay, here. Where
are we gonna play?
Use the operating table.
That's great now we
can lose our money
and appendix at the same time.
What if the doctor comes in?
Oh, he's out on
an emergency call.
- How do you know?
- Who do you think called him?
Look alive!
All right gentlemen
the game is blackjack.
- Here's my money.
- Put that money away.
Medic, give me
those seltzer tablets
and a glass of
water for each man.
Put the money away suppose
somebody walked in here
and saw the money?
As I said before gentlemen, the
name of the game is blackjack.
This is the bag
there's 25 chips in here.
5 for each man, you each owe
me $5 right. That is your starter.
The name of the
game is blackjack.
Oh boy, this is the way I like
to play cards, safe and sanitary.
Now you're talkin. All right
gentlemen, here we go.
We're rocking and
rollin' all the time,
fetch your chips right
now, blackjack, put down.
How much are you betting?
You, you, you, you,
me, you, you, you, me.
And the dealer has an ace!
Young Dr. Malone is
starting early this evening.
Oh wait, now wait! We
haven't even started.
It's the Colonel.
Give me those chips put
them in the water, quick!
Look out! Look out.
Very natural, be very natural.
What's going on here, Bilko?
Nothing Sir, just a bad
case of mass indigestion,
Sir, but we'll be all
right in no time at all, Sir.
Drink up, men.
You mean you all just happened
to get indigestion together?
Now you see, Sir, we believe
its Sgt. Ritzik's fault, Sir.
Last night he
served us veal ragu,
and I think he put too much
rag and not enough goo in it Sir.
- Drink men.
- You know what I think, Bilko?
You're using this
dispensary to gamble in
just like you use the library,
the laundry room and my garage!
Oh really, Sir, gamble
in a doctor's office,
I have much too much respect
for the medical profession
- to do that, Sir.
- I see.
What are these..Get Well cards?
Look, fellas what the
doctor has under the sheet.
Well, I guess there's
no harm in relaxing
with a little Solitaire in
between operations, is there?
You can't fool me, Bilko.
These are your cards and the
chips must be around somewhere!
Oh, that's where they
are, you drank them.
Ah, Paparelli, looks
like you're the big winner.
Oh no, Sir. We just
started playing...
Oh Sir, he doesn't know
what he's saying, Sir.
He's feverish.
Where is the doctor?
There's never a doctor
now when you need one.
- Doctor!
- Doctor!
Quiet!
You're looking at
the doctor right now
and this doctor is going to
give you a little prescription
for you and your platoon.
Work! Hard work!
Very hard work!
Oh, Sir do you think that's
fair with the men being so sick.
You know they really
are very sick, Sir.
Quiet! Quiet!
Tomorrow you will report
to the Grove City USO.
They've requested
a detail of volunteers
to clean the building
from top to bottom.
You'll be glad to
volunteer, won't you Bilko?
- Sir...
- I thought so, Bilko.
Now, you be at the USO
at 8:00 in the morning.
Right this way, gentlemen
and do be careful with the stairs.
Follow me.
Hey Sarge, look at the gambling
tables and the roulette wheels!
How about that? The
USO is just a front.
I'm afraid it's an awful mess.
I hope you don't mind
cleaning up down here.
I would love cleaning
up down here.
I don't understand.
What are all these games
of chance doing here?
Well, all these things belong
to the original
owner of the house.
Nick the Greek lived here?
No, he wasn't a Greek.
He's was Mexican.
The house was built by General
Hernando over a 100 years ago.
Hmm, I'd like to
know his decorator.
Look, how come the cops
never raided this place.
It's illegal.
Oh, the police know
all about this room.
Strangely enough, this is
the only place in California
where gambling is
legal. So if you'll just...
Ah, ah, would you mind
repeating that last sentence about
gambling being
legal in this house.
- Oh, that's only a technicality.
- Well, let's get technical.
You see, I'm doing a thesis
on early American gambling...
ah I mean history.
I'm a little vague about it,
but it all started back in 1848
when General Hernandez...
Yes, yes go on.
Oh Miss Adams, we
seem to have run out
of ping pong balls upstairs.
Look, under the
sofa. We're very busy.
- Go on dear.
- Well, back in 1848...
But Miss Adams, we're right
in the middle of a tournament...
Do you mind, ping pong
may be through around here.
We're talking about
important things.
- Go on dear, what?
- Well, back in 1848.
General Hernando retired
from the Mexican Army
and helped the
settlers in California.
Oh, Viva la Hernando!
And in gratitude the
Governor decreed
that only in General Hernando's
house would gambling be permitted.
Viva la California!
That means, gambling
is legal in this house!
Oh I don't know but
I'm sure you can look up
the old grant in the courthouse.
Well, Sergeant, you
don't need me anymore.
I'm sure you know
what to do around here.
Yes, we know exactly what to do.
All right fellas,
let's clean up here.
I'm sure the ladies will
have some hot cocoa for us
when we're through...
- How about this!
- How about that, Ernie?
Legalized gambling
right here in Grove City!
Yeah!
Hey, that means as long
as we play in this building,
the cops can't touch us!
What do you mean touch us?
They'll be in here playing with us!
Yeah!
Come on, let's go over
to the old courthouse.
Right, Sarge.
Where, where?
Where are you going?
Stay here and work! Move, move!
Ah-ha, here it is.
Land Grants 1850,
listen to this one.
"The State of
California hereby grants
to Mr. William Holly one
hundred acres of wood.
Hereafter to be called
Holly's Woods, California."
How about that!
Wait a minute, wait till
you hear the rest of this.
"When Mr. Holly died,
he left the 25 acres of hills
to his little
granddaughter, Beverly."
- Beverly Hills, history.
- We're looking at history!
Those were the days to
have been here, huh Sarge?
All that land just
being given away.
My grandfather
should have been here.
What a city that would
have made, San Franbilko!
Hey, Ernie there it is,
General Raphael Hernando!
This is it gentlemen.
The next few lines tells
us where there's gonna be
another California gold rush!
Well, read it Ernie! Read it!
No, no read it out loud, Sarge!
Please, I'm not
through praying yet.
You better read it Henshaw.
My eyeballs are revolving.
Yeah.
"The State of
California hereby grants
to General Raphael
Hernando immunity
to the gambling
laws of California
as long as his house
shall remain in existence.
Did you hear that, Ernie?
Immunity to the gambling laws!
This is it, something I
always dreamed about,
a vaccination
against the police.
- Boys, this is it!
- What?
We can be open by payday!
Open what?
Ernie Bilko's Hacienda Club,
a private gambling casino
open only to the
public 24 hours a day!
Yeah, but Sarge, the
building belongs to the USO.
So what, America once
belonged to the Indians.
You're not gonna
let little details
stand in the way of progress.
You mean we're gonna
take over the USO?
The minute they lose
their lease, we step in.
Yeah, but Ernie, wait a minute.
How are we gonna
get the USO to move?
Simple, a boycott!
We keep the soldiers
away from the USO
and once their
business falls off,
they're stuck with a
kitchen full of cold cocoa,
and stale doughnuts and they
start looking for a new location.
Brilliant!
Ernie, if your brains were
harnessed for peaceful purposes,
you'd win the Nobel Prize!
Come on, every minute we
stand here complimenting me,
we're losing money, come on!
Blind spot, just keep doing
what you've been doing.
Hey, here comes
some guys, Sarge.
Hold the flowers. Hi
boys, you going inside?
Yeah, we have a
billiard match going.
Oh didn't you hear, the
billiard room is closed today.
But I've got great
news they're having
a wonderful hymn singing inside.
Hymns?
Oh yes, your favorite
hymns, turn to page 23,
that's the first hymn
we're doing today,
"In the Sweet Bye and Bye."
If you wanna sing
tenor, be free to do so.
"In the sweet, in the sweet,
bye and bye, bye and bye..."
Chuck, let's find a pool room.
Now wait a minute
now, just fellas,
you're gonna miss
the English Madrigals...
"Tra, la, la, la, la..."
They're gone, Sarge.
Good, how many have
we turned away so far?
28 in the last hour.
Yesterday we turned away 60.
I didn't know the
USO was so popular.
Hey here comes 2 more.
Come on, Ed, we'll
be able to catch
the first inning of
the ball game on TV.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry fellas,
the TV'll be shut off today
but there will be announcing
the scores all during the contest.
- What contest?
- The flower arrangement contest.
Oh here, here are some
tulips for your friend,
some daffodils for you.
Now if you go inside,
they'll give a vase
and all the water you need!
Are you kidding, Mac!
Come on let's find
a bar with a TV set.
You'll be sorry the first prize is
a monogrammed window box!
Hey, the hostess must be
getting lonely in there, huh?
They're gonna get a lot lonelier
if this keeps up a few more
days, we'll shut them down.
Here comes another one.
Hi soldier, you're just in time.
We're having a
Poetry Festival today.
- Poetry Festival?
- Oh yes, isn't it exciting.
We're doing Longfellow, "Under
the spreading chestnut tree
the village smithy stands.
- The smith..."
- Get lost.
Oh wait, we're doing By
The Shores Of Gitche Gumee.
Say Ernie let me
see the list again.
Here it is, pal, all signed,
sealed and delivered.
Oh boy, 3 years with options.
I already took up the options.
We got it for 5 years.
Oh there she is.
Isn't she lovely?
Promise her anything
but give her Arpege.
Edna my love, is the Colonel in?
What are you asking me for?
Don't you have him
under 24 hour guard?
Look, if we need a bouncer
for the casino, this is it.
Come in.
- Sir.
- What is it, Bilko?
Well, as you know, Sir, I have
a 2 week furlough coming up.
Oh yes, I almost
forgot the pattern,
2 weeks on and 2 weeks off.
Oh drat it, I only
wish I had a pencil,
I could write down
these witticism so.
Sir, why don't you
put them in a book?
Bennett Cerf would
publish it in a minute, Sir.
All right, hand me the
furlough paper, Bilko.
There you are, Sir.
The way I look at it, a
2 week furlough for you,
is like a 2 week
vacation for me.
Thank you, Sir.
Well, I suppose I'll get the
usual post card from Las Vegas.
Oh no, Sir, I'm staying
right here in town.
You see I'm opening
a little business
and I wanna get it started.
A business?
What kind of a shady
operation is it, Bilko?
Oh, it's not shady at all,
Sir, perfectly legitimate.
- It's all very legal!
- Really?
- Now what is it?
- A gambling casino!
A gambling casino?
You almost had me going,
Bilko. A gambling casino!
You would like
that, wouldn't you?
- Oh.
- Opening a gambling casino.
It's like the fulfillment
of my life's dream, Sir.
Where are you gonna have
this gambling casino, Bilko?
Out near the abandoned airport?
No, Sir, right in the
center of town, Sir!
Don't tell me, I know.
You've taken over
the old USO building.
That's it, Sir.
How do you like this name,
Bilko's Hacienda Club?
All right, Bilko,
a joke's a joke.
- That's enough!
- Yes, Sir.
Oh Sir, the grand
opening is Saturday night.
We'd like you to be
one of our guests.
Bilko, it's not funny anymore.
Get out of here!
A gambling casino on Grove City?
Oh, it's impossible, impossible!
I must keep saying that
if I wanna keep my sanity.
Impossible! It's impossible!
All right, come on
move it! Move it!
Let's get working. Move it!
Where do you want this
blackjack table to go, Sarge?
Right next to the front door,
we'll get the customers
coming and going, move it!
Hey Sarge, this roulette pad
just came back from the cleaners.
All right, set it up now.
We'll take the customers
to the cleaners, move it!
Hey Sarge, Sarge, I just ordered
the chips over the telephone.
Did you get the right
colors, white, red and blue?
No, only salted.
Jerk, not potato chips,
poker chips, move it!
Sarge, Sarge, quick
the Colonel's coming.
- Let's get out of here, come on!
- Hey, what's all the panic?
That's right, I forget,
we are legitimate.
I don't believe it!
I don't believe it!
Welcome Sir, to
the Hacienda Club.
We're not open
yet officially, Sir,
but if you wanna take a
little flyer on something.
I don't believe it!
I was walking along the street
and everything
looked just as usual
and suddenly I saw
it, The Hacienda Club,
24 hour gambling,
Ernest Bilko, your host.
- I don't believe it!
- Oh, it's true Sir.
I finally reaped the
fruits of my labour.
Bilko, are you out of your mind?
You know you can't have
gambling in California.
I'll have this place closed in 5
minutes, where's the phone?
Sir, you don't
seem to understand.
These restrictions
don't apply to me.
They don't, huh? You
make your own law.
Well, no, but I had the
original one photostatted, Sir.
As you see, I have
the complete sanction
of the first Governor
of California.
You're really prepared,
aren't you, Bilko?
Oh yes, this morning
I had a nice long talk
with the Chief of Police and
the Mayor and it's wonderful, Sir.
Look, it's as legal
as a supermarket.
Well, I can stop you, Bilko.
You're still in the Army.
And proud to be, Sir.
But as you know
the Army law states,
a man can indulge in his own
business if it's on his own time!
There must be
some way to stop you.
I don't know which way, Sir.
I looked and looked; I
couldn't seem to find anything.
These are not my words,
Bilko, but mark them well,
"I shall return!"
Wow, he's mad!
I hope he don't
come here to gamble,
he looks like a sore loser.
All right, let's work! Work!
Busy bodies, everybody move it.
Let's get this place
spanking clean.
Sarge, these gentlemen
wants to see you.
Oh how do you do, Sir?
You must be from the
paper toweling concession
see our attendant
a Mr. Doberman.
No Bilko, my
business is with you.
With me, well please
be brief I'm very busy.
Well, my name is Travis Randall
and I represent the Consolidated
Amusement Corporation.
It has come to the
attention of our board
that you are opening a gambling
establishment in Grove City.
Yes, this Saturday night the
Wheel of Fortune comes up
at my lucky number.
Well, on behalf of
our organization,
may we wish you a
success in your new venture?
Thank you.
And may we extend an invitation
to you to visit us this evening
to discuss a
business proposition.
Business proposition?
What kind of a proposition?
Well, our Mr. Corell will
discuss that with you tonight.
The address is on the card.
- 00 o'clock, sharp.
Yes, thank you.
Hey Sarge, what's
this all about?
Don't you see, I'm in! I'm in!
You're in where?
Don't you see, Consolidated
Amusement Corporation,
Rudy Corell, President.
This is like the General
Motors of gambling.
What do they want you for?
Oh don't you see, they wanna
complete the link, Las Vegas,
Havana and now Grove City.
Well, boys, I'm finally
on my way to the top!
I'm with the big boys!
You know
something, it's not true.
- What's not true, Ernie?
- Nice guys don't finish last.
Sgt. Bilko, how
nice of you to come.
I'm Rudy Corell and
these are my associates,
- Mr. Medwick of our Detroit office.
- How do you do?
And Mr. Franklin of Miami.
Mr. Franklin glad to meet
you... say haven't we met before?
No, I don't think so.
I've seen that face,
of course on television,
the McClellan hearings.
Say, you gave that
young Senator his what-for.
I mean, you're not opening
your books to anybody!
Yes, Sergeant, we've
had our little troubles.
But Mr. Randolph, our
attorney has been a great help.
Now can I help you
anything, coffee, cognac?
No, thanks, later perhaps.
Well, please sit down
and we'll have a little chat.
Thank you, now here is how I
run my operation, I get the boys...
I'll do the
chatting, Sgt. Bilko.
- You do the listening.
- Okay.
Now let me explain how
our organization works.
At the end of every
business week,
all the proceeds from
the gambling casinos
are sent into the main office.
Oh I see, and then
it's divided equally
amongst us 4 stockholders?
Not quite, you see, Sergeant,
as a new member
in the organization,
there are certain
introductory charges
that come out of your share.
Oh, I see like paying dues.
Yes, something like that.
Very roughly to begin
with you'll pay 25%
of your gross to
us for services.
- Services, what services?
- Just services.
Oh well, it's deductible and
that leaves me with a neat 75%.
Not quite you see, there's a 30%
charge for gambling equipment.
That's where I have you I have
my own gambling equipment.
Wonderful then you'll just
have to pay for the maintenance
which comes out to 30%.
Maintenance, I have the
finest repairmen in the country.
But I have the biggest
repairmen in the country.
Well, that just leaves me 45%.
Not quite you see there's an
additional 30% charge for overhead.
- Overhead?
- What overhead?
Sgt. Bilko, this house
doesn't come cheap.
Well, what does this
house got to do with me?
What colour is this
house Sergeant?
White.
May I remind you
that you the President
always live in the White House?
But Mr. President, that
only leaves me with 15%.
Not quite. Not quite.
You see, there's an
additional 15% charge.
For what? We're working on it.
Well, you see I'm not
very good at mathematics,
but the way you've worked
it out, I'm left with nothing.
Not quite, you will get
completely and without charge
all the money taken in on
the hatcheck concession.
Hatcheck concession,
well this is California.
It's warm. Nobody wears hats.
I'm afraid that is the
way the cookie crumbles.
Oh, well, it's a very attractive
offer but I'm not interested.
Sgt. Bilko, I'm not interested
that you're not interested.
Mr. Randolph could we have
the necessary papers, please?
Papers? Well, look, the
way you've got it worked out,
I'm getting, absolutely I
walk out of here with nothing.
Financially perhaps, but at
least you walk out of here.
Now here's an agreement whereby
you sublease the casino to us.
Oh, I see and
then we're partners.
Not quite. You are a partner.
We are the owners.
Sign it please.
Well, I'd like to have
my attorney look at this.
Well, certainly.
Mr. Randolph, would you look
this over please for your client?
Happy to..looks fine
to me, sign it now.
Very good now I'll just file
this with the real estate agent
and everything will be
absolutely legal and official.
Good day, Sgt. Bilko, see you
Saturday night at the opening.
Oh yes, but don't send me
any flowers for good luck.
I don't think I could afford it.
You mean after all our work,
they're gonna take everything.
Not quite they're leaving me
with the hatcheck concession.
Look, Ernie, why
didn't you tell them off?
Jerk! If I told them off,
you think I'd be here now
telling you that
I told them off?
Hey Sarge, why don't we give
them the hatcheck concession too
and get out while
we're all still healthy.
- Yeah.
- What's wrong with you guys?
You think they would stop.
You think they'd be satisfied
muscling in on the casino?
Not these guys.
They wouldn't be happy
until they put the screws
on every honest
citizen in Grove City.
Gee, I'm scared
and I'm in the Army.
All right, I let those rats in.
It's up to me to see
that they get out.
Let's go in and tear
them apart, Sarge.
Paparelli, for the time
being, let's use my brain,
when I want brawn,
I'll send for you.
All right, how are you
gonna get rid of them, Sarge.
They're pretty smart cookies.
Hey Sarge, maybe I can help.
- I used to be a Junior G-Man.
- Hold it!
Maybe it's time for
Junior to grow up, huh?
Doberman, you got a picture
of you when you were a civilian.
Yeah, but it ain't
too good, Sarge.
Naturally, let me look at it.
Hey Sarge, what are you
gonna do with my picture?
Doberman, I'm gonna
squeal on you to the big boys.
I'm gonna tell them
who you really are.
- Who am I?
- An undercover man for the FBI.
That's a pretty big
cover he's under.
Sugie, get me a
pen and some paper,
I'm gonna write an
anonymous letter.
Fender. Get my
suitcase, on the double!
Are you leaving town, Sarge?
No, but the big boys are
after I pay them a
little visit tomorrow.
Here's the pen and paper, Sarge.
Good boy, Sugie.
Here Roc, take a
letter but be sure
that this picture
goes with the letter.
Right.
"Dear Mr. Correll, you've
done me a good turn once
when I was in a
jam with the cops.
Now it's time I
done one for you."
"I don't know what business
you have in Grove City
but the FBI has one of
their crack agents there.
His name is Steve Polachek
and he works strictly undercover.
Watch out, he is fast in
the brains department.
He got me for 4 years. I
am enclosing his picture.
Good luck and
thanks again. A friend."
Ever seen him before, Randolph?
- I don't think so.
- How about you?
I don't get it, why should
the FBI send a man here?
- We've got a legal operation.
- Perhaps it isn't legal.
- What do you mean?
- They've been after us for years.
Doesn't it suddenly seem
strange that only one house
in all of California has
legalized gambling?
Well, you checked the deeds
in the courthouse yourself.
- They could have been forgeries.
- Why?
To trick us into opening an
illegal gambling operation.
Once we open up
on Saturday night,
we're sitting ducks for the D.A.
Oh maybe we're
jumping to conclusions.
This FBI man may
be in Grove City
on completely
different business.
Rudy, that soldier
Bilko is here.
He says it's
important. Show him in.
Okay Bilko.
Oh, good afternoon gentlemen.
I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.
What's so important, Bilko?
Well, I've done a lot
of thinking last night,
and I've come to the conclusion,
I'm not ready for the big time.
So I've decided to turn the
whole business over to you.
- Oh, you have?
- Yes.
I've drawn up this paper
that gives you the casino
lock, stock and crap tables
if you'll just sign this release
What's your hurry, Bilko?
Hurry? I'm in no hurry.
My plane, don't
leave for 2 hours.
What's the matter
with you, Bilko?
What are you so panicky about?
Panicky? Who's panicky?
I'm not. Just sign
this release, please.
Okay, Bilko. We
want the truth now.
What are you trying to hide?
- Me?
- They're out to get me!
Who's out to get you?
I don't know, strange things
are happening at the casino.
What strange things?
Well, every time I lift
the phone I hear this,
click, click, click!
It sounds like a tap.
No, it sounds like
a click, click, click.
And then there's this other thing.
- What other thing?
I found this in the wastepaper
basket, a microphone!
They got the place bugged!
Who could do it?
Who'd be out to get me?
- They're all my own boys.
- Maybe it's one of your men.
No, never in a million years.
These guys are...
look I even carry
this picture of them
as a remembrance.
Did you ever see a more
loyal group than that?
Who's this little fat man?
Oh that's Doberman.
He's the favourite.
He keeps us
chuckling all the time.
Really? Take a
look at this picture.
Oh, Duane as a civilian?
Not quite, as an FBI man.
That's Steve Polacheck!
Doberman? My Doberman!
Why, I just took a
shower with him yesterday.
You were right, Randolph.
The whole thing is a trap.
Hey, why didn't I think of it?
Of course Doberman,
he installed the phone.
It was Doberman that cleans my
wastepaper basket 3 times a day.
I should have listened
to you Randolph.
I'm sure now that
deed was a forgery.
But they don't have us yet,
we just won't open the casino.
We're still in trouble.
That place is loaded
with gambling equipment
and now the lease
is filed in our name.
Sign this paper so I can
catch my plane please.
Shut up, Bilko, think Randolph,
this is your department.
Wait a minute I
just mailed that list
to the real estate officer.
It won't get to them
until tomorrow morning?
Tomorrow? I'll be
in Hawaii tomorrow.
But the gambling
equipment is still there.
The police are
probably just waiting
for us to come and do that.
But if we leave it there
the cops will walk in,
and have the goods on us.
We've got to get rid
of that gambling casino.
We've got to change
that building overnight
into something legitimate
like a beauty parlour,
or a flower shop.
- I got it!
A place the cops will
never suspect, a USO.
- A USO?
- That's not a bad idea.
How fast can you do it, Bilko?
Well, with your money and
my boys, a couple of hours?
What will you need?
What will I need?
Well, I need a ping
pong table, a billiard table,
a piano, a doughnut machine.
Is that all? Not quite!
A stereophonic hi-fi
set, a television set...
I can't get over it.
Did you do all this by
yourself, Sgt. Bilko?
That's the very least I
can do when you consider
the many pleasant
hours I spend here.
Oh, incidentally, here's the
lease signed over to the USO.
My partner wanted it that way.
How wonderful. Who is he?
We'd like to thank him.
Well, if you don't mind, he
prefers to remain anonymous.
- I see.
- Well, Sarge, it's all done.
We're burning all the
gambling equipment in the back.
Wanna come out and see it?
I'm afraid my tears
would put out the fire.
I don't believe it!
I don't believe it!
Oh, Sir, welcome to the USO.
I don't know what
you're doing Bilko
but I'm sure it's just a
front for a gambling joint.
No Sir, it's just the
same old good old USO.
So why don't you have some
coffee and some doughnuts, Sir?
Doughnuts, they're
probably little roulette wheels.
Oh Colonel, nice to see you.
You're just in time for a
good old fashioned hymn sing.
- Hymn sing...
- Freeze!
Freeze you creeps!
You heard the hostess.
This is a hymn sing,
around the piano quickly!
And we'll sing it
clearly with reverence
and very, very alco polco.
In the sweet bye and bye,
we will meet on
the beautiful shore.
Won't you join us, Sir?
- In the sweet.
- In the sweet.
- Bye and bye.
- Bye and bye..."
Splendid, Sir.
We will meet
on the beautiful shore.
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:
Murray Matheson as Rudy Correll.
Doro Merande as
assistant hostess.
Sloan Simpson as the hostess.
And Melville Ruick
as Mr. Randolph.
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