The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 4, Episode 28 - Bilko the Butler - full transcript
Bilko plots to make a fortune by picking up stock market tips, while serving as a butler at a high-society dinner.
- Happy honeymoon!
- Yeah!
That's a nice fella.
Gee Sarge, what
a beautiful wedding.
Yeah, she must
be a wonderful girl.
A millionaire heiress like
that marrying an ordinary G.I.
You got a handkerchief?
- Sarge, you're crying.
- Of course I'm crying.
I kept picturing
myself up there,
slipping that ring on
her finger and saying,
"With this ring I thee
wed, two steel mills,
four railroads,
a chain of hotels
a Venezuelan off
shore oil rights."
Oh Ernie, I'm sure he didn't
marry her for her money.
Oh sure, he's gonna give
the money back, of course.
Why don't you get wise?
All right, she's a pretty girl,
but you don't buy a
box of crackerjacks,
and throw away the prize.
Hey, Sarge, I hear they're going
to Hawaii on their honeymoon.
Hawaii, how dull can you get?
If she was my bride, she'd be
on her way to Venice right now.
She, what about you?
I'd be with her Dad
making the grand tour,
steel mills, railroads,
the oil wells.
Why couldn't it have been me?
- Hello, boys.
- Oh, hi Padre.
Well, Bilko. Did you
like the wedding?
Oh, I thought it was a
wonderful ceremony padre.
To tell you the truth,
Bilko, when I said,
"If there is anyone
among you who has reason
that these 2 should not
to be joined in matrimony,"
I expected to see you
come running down the aisle.
Oh really Padre, I assure you
there was nobody in that chapel
happier than I was to
see those 2 kids married.
Is that right, Bilko?
I was positive I heard you
sobbing all through the ceremony.
Well, I must admit, there
was one phrase you used
that you got to
me, where you said,
"Do you take this woman
in sickness and in wealth..."
That's health, Bilko.
Well, the organ was
blasting in my ear.
When are you going to settle
down and get married, Bilko?
Oh, I don't know Padre
where can I meet the right girl?
I don't move in those circles.
Well, where do you
suppose those 2 met?
I don't know the horse
show, the yacht club races,
the junior league ball?
No, Bilko, it was at the U.S.O.
The U.S.O.?
You mean besides the free
doughnuts and the ping pong,
they supply rich debutantes?
Which U.S.O.?
It's a charming story
the way they met.
Yes, which U.S.O., Padre?
Well, you see, this soldier
was alone in the city,
and he wondered into the
U.S.O. on a Sunday afternoon.
Ha, which U.S.O.?
A lot of families in town
offered Sunday dinner
invitations to soldiers.
It so happened our soldier
went to the home of this family,
and met their daughter.
The rest you know.
Yeah, the rest I know but I
don't know which U.S.O.?
The one in San Francisco
on Pepper Street.
Pepper Street U.S.O.!
Well, I've got some work to do.
Will I be seeing you in
church next Sunday, Sergeant?
I hope so, Padre. I
sincerely hope so.
Here you are, Private, 2 ping
pong paddles, have a good time.
Well, here we are gentleman,
Uncle Sam's matchmaking bureau.
Sarge, look, free doughnuts!
Doughnuts, if we're
lucky you'll be eating
wedding cake tonight.
Sarge, would you like
to play some ping pong?
Oh swell that's
what I came here for,
to play ping pong
with you. Come on!
Hey Ernie, suppose just
one of us finds a wealthy girl,
are we still partners?
We split it 4 ways,
us 3 and the lucky girl.
There's the
hostess, look lonely.
Finished so soon, soldier?
Nobody wanted to
play ping pong with me.
Well, would you like to
go to a movie or a concert?
No, thanks.
Gee, Sunday doesn't
seem like Sunday
when you're in a strange town.
Boy, I'll bet my mother
is cooking chicken today.
If you'd like to have dinner
with some family here in town,
I can arrange that.
Oh, that would be wonderful!
Here comes the
jackpot invitation.
You're invited to have dinner
at the home of Mr. and Mrs.
Jason Rogers, 128 Willow Street.
Willow Street? Where's that?
- Up on Nob Hill.
- Bingo!
You don't have to be
there until 2:00 o'clock.
- Have fun.
- Congratulations, soldier.
I hope you two
will be very happy.
Can I help you, soldier?
Yes, you see, this is
my first time in a big city
and gosh, I'm lonely.
You see today is my birthday,
and mum would have
baked 2 big cakes.
- 2 cakes?
- It's her birthday too.
Gosh, I'm lonely.
Well, you should
really have dinner
with some nice family today.
Oh yes, Mom would like that.
Mom always said, I
was alone too much.
I have just the family for
you, Mr. and Mrs. De Ferrari.
Did you hear that, De
Ferrari? I think I hit rich royalty.
- What's their address?
- It's the Bella Marie.
Oh, is that the
name of their estate?
No, it's their boat.
They're fishermen.
Fishermen?
How charming, but you see my
doctor has given me strict orders;
I can't eat near the water.
You see my sinus condition.
I have to eat high up like in a
penthouse or up on Nob Hill.
I'm afraid that's all the
invitations I have at the moment.
But if you care to wait I'm
expecting a call from Chinatown.
No, I'm so lonely I better
take what I can take.
Thank you very much.
Do you like my luck?
I wanted fillet mignon, I'm
gonna wind up at Scungillis.
How are you gonna get a
rich girl on a fishing boat?
I'm not. I'm going to Nob Hill.
Our little friend there,
he's gonna have Scungillis.
There he is. You
wait right here.
Hey soldier, how
about a little ping pong?
No, thanks.
Oh I thought you'd like
to work up a little appetite
for your big dinner
this afternoon.
I'm gonna go to
the De Ferrari home.
Who invited you?
I've got Mr. and
Mrs. Jason Rogers.
Jason Rogers? The
well-known African explorer?
I've been reading about
him in National Geographic.
- Gee, I guess I'm lucky.
- Oh, I should say you are.
When I think of the
conversations they'll have at dinner
all about his adventures.
I read where Mrs.
Rogers on Sundays
always cooks
native African dishes.
What kinda native
African dishes?
- Panja pooki.
- What's panja pooki?
Well, that's creamed
monkey paws.
Forget the food, as long
as I'll be with a nice family.
Oh a nice family well listen,
why don't you take my invitation?
I'm going to the De Ferraris.
They're one of the nicest
families in San Francisco.
Sarge, you've gotta excuse me,
I'm going in to make a
record to send to my mother.
Well, all right.
Sarge, Sarge, did you get
the Nob Hill invitation yet?
No, but don't
worry about it. I will.
Maybe we should
come back next Sunday.
No, and blow this
golden opportunity?
By next Sunday our little
ping pong player there
may be chairman of the board
and I'll still be eating
hero sandwiches.
I'm gonna get that invitation.
Hello mum, this is your
son, Emil Schneider.
I got rid of my chest cold
and... will you get out of here,
I'm trying to make a
record for your mother.
I thought your mother would
like hear from one of your buddies.
Hi Mom, don't you worry about
little Emil, he looks grand.
- Will you get out of here!
- The record is running, talk!
Mom, I'm at San Francisco today,
and guess who I'm
gonna have dinner with?
The De Ferrari's one of
the nicest Italian families
in San Francisco
and is mama DeFerrari
gonna fatten up our little Emil,
with lasagna, pasta
fazool, baccala.
Will you stop saying that?
Mom, I'm going to Nob Hill...
Yes, to walk off the main course
then it's back to the De
Ferraris for the biscuit tortoni,
and the zabaglione!
- Will you stop!
I guess I am cruel by
making you hungry this way.
But don't you worry;
Emil will write to you
and tell you all
about the dinner.
Would you let me talk,
the record is almost over!
Save your voice for
the community singing.
Oh, mom, I didn't tell you
this, right after the dinner,
the De Ferraris sing
all Old Italian folk songs
something like this...
"Funiculi, funicula,
funiculi, funicula!
Echoes sound afar,
funiculi, funicula!
Sing Emil!
Funiculi, funicula,
funiculi, funicula!
Echoes sound afar!
Funiculi, funicula,
funiculi, funicula!"
Say goodbye to your mother.
Goodbye Mom. Goodbye Mom!
That's it. Oh you
better, oh here it is.
Give the record to your mother.
She must be so
anxious to hear from you.
- Yeah.
- Let's go.
Oh Emil.
You better give me
your invitation to Nob Hill,
here's mine to the De Ferraris.
But I'm not going
to the De Ferraris.
You're not?
What is that you told your
mother all about the baccalà,
the lasagna, the pasta fazool
with the funiculi, funicula!
Is this what the Army taught
you to do, lie to your mother?
Oh give me that invitation
before you break
your mother's heart.
- But...
- Run along!
Run along and have a good time
and don't forget
eat all the antipasto!
All right presto! Presto!
But Sarge...
It's amazing, Bridget,
200 year old silver
and it still shines
just as bright as new.
Hello, oh yes
madam, this is Jason.
The chauffeur
left 5 minutes ago.
The car will be waiting
for you at the Campbells
within an hour.
Very good, Madame.
When is Madame returning, Jason?
Not for 2 hours, so we can
have our dinner with the soldier
without being interrupted.
I hope he likes turkey.
Now Bridget, there
hasn't been a soldier yet
we've invited to dinner
who hasn't liked turkey.
Jason, did you inform the U.S.O.
to tell the soldier to
come to the kitchen door?
Oh my goodness, I forgot.
Oh, it's nearly 2:00
o'clock. I better set the table.
That'll be our soldier now,
answer the door, Jason.
Yes.
How do you do, I'm Sgt.
Bilko I believe I'm expected.
Oh yes, the soldier from the
U.S.O. won't you come in please.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Well, this is elegant, elegant
but yet with a
certain restraint.
It reminds me so much of
the Vanderbilt mansions.
- Did you serve me there once?
- No Sir.
Now will you follow me, please?
Well, of course, of course.
Well, Bridget,
this is the soldier
from the U.S.O, Sgt. Bilko.
- Hello, Sergeant.
- How do you do?
I'll meet the staff
later but right now,
I'm sure Mr. Rogers
is waiting to meet me.
- But I'm Mr. Rogers.
- You are?
Well, isn't that
rather confusing?
I mean Rogers the butler
waiting on Mr. Jason Rogers?
But I'm Jason Rogers.
This is my wife Bridget.
We're the ones who
invited you to dinner.
Well, whose home is this?
Well, this is the home of Mr. And
Mrs. Matthew Cunningham.
But you don't have
to worry about them.
By the time they
return, you'll be gone.
Gone?
Oh, you thought you
were going to have dinner
with Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham?
I'm so sorry. I hope
you're not disappointed.
Oh, no, no that's
perfectly all right.
It's sweet of you to invite me.
I'd much rather eat here
in the kitchen with you.
After all what do I have in
common with Mr. Cunningham?
You're right.
All Mr. Cunningham talks about
during dinner is his business.
What business is that?
Oil, steel, real
estate, you name it!
- Uranium?
- Yes.
Are you crying?
It's watering a little there
must be onions in the room.
Are you cooking onions my dear?
Creamed onions, oh you
poor boy, you must be starved.
- None at all, sit down.
- All right!
Oh, I was just wondering,
is there any chance
of Mr. Cunningham dropping
into the kitchen for a late snack?
I would like to
thank him personally.
I don't believe Mr. Cunningham
has set foot in this kitchen
since the house was built.
Do you like white
meat or dark, Sergeant?
White, if you don't mind.
- Excuse me.
- Thank you very much.
Hello. Oh, yes Miss Deborah.
I didn't know you were home.
Yes, I'll do that right away.
Oh Bridget, fix a
plate for Miss Deborah.
Miss Deborah, is
that the housekeeper?
Oh good heavens, no.
She's Mr. and Mrs.
Cunningham's daughter.
Oh.
I almost got choked up.
You did say the
Cunningham's daughter
I mean Miss Cunningham.
- Yeah.
- Her father dotes on her.
- He gives her anything she wants.
- Oh really?
Well, look, why don't I
take the plate up to her?
And if this isn't enough,
she can have some of mine.
Now what room is she in?
Oh, that won't be
necessary Sergeant.
She's coming down
here to the kitchen.
She is, well, that's the
kind of heiress I admire.
Do you know what I mean?
Immensely wealthy
but not class conscious.
How do I look dear?
Yes, Miss Deborah.
How do you do miss...
I thought she'd be taller.
She's only 10 years old.
Oh, I came to dinner
11 years too soon.
Who's that funny looking man?
Now Miss Deborah,
mind your manners.
This is Sgt. Bilko.
Bilko, Pilko, what a silly name.
Oh, she's adorable.
Why don't you tell your
Daddy you want the
funny looking soldier to
come here all the time?
I don't want you to
come here anymore.
You frighten my doll.
Once your dolly got to
know me, she'd love me.
I have a wonderful
game that you and I,
and Daddy, and dolly can play.
- What game?
- It's called Monopoly.
You play it with
railroads, banks, hotels.
I don't like Monopoly.
It's a silly game.
- Not the way I play it.
- Oh really Sergeant.
I'm afraid she's not too
friendly with strangers.
Oh, she's sweet, come here
dear give your Uncle Ernie a kiss.
- Okay.
- Deborah!
Well, I'm sure she
didn't mean that.
She thought I
said give me a kick!
Now here is your plate
and go to your room!
I hurt my foot, I'm gonna
tell my Daddy on you!
No, no, let me tell Daddy on me.
Children well...
No wonder she's
spoiled, Sergeant.
Imagine giving a 10 year old
child a $50 a week allowance.
$50 a week, I have to be
a Lieutenant to make that.
Eat your dinner, Sgt.
Bilko. It will get cold.
Thank you very much.
Oh, poetry, poetry!
This blueberry pie is
sheer poetry in pastry!
Another piece Sergeant?
Oh, my tongue says yes,
but my stomach says no.
Oh good heavens
it's 5:00 o'clock.
I must be getting
back to the U.S.O!
Well, couldn't you stay and
have just a little more coffee?
Oh, I'd like to but
my buddies and I
are going to the opera tonight.
They're doing Lucia you know.
Ta da ta da ta dah.
Oh that one, it gives
me great pleasure.
Well, we wouldn't
wanna keep you Sergeant.
It's been a pleasure having you.
- Thank you.
And if you are ever
on Nob Hill again,
our kitchen is always open.
You're very sweet and
I'll always remember this.
Thank you very much.
Oh, yes Mr. Cunningham.
Mr. Cunningham? Is
he back, is he here?
A buffet dinner for
10 tonight, yes Sir.
Bridget, get out
the good silver.
- It's a VIP affair tonight.
- VIP?
Oh these sudden Sunday
buffets, the Wall Street crowd
is probably in from
New York again.
All they'll talk about at dinner
is business and stock tips.
Stock tips?
Yes Sir, the guest
list, let me get a pencil.
Oh, let me help you, go
on, go on, I'll write it down.
Thank you the newspapers
will want a guest list.
- Yeah.
- I'm ready, Sir.
Mr. Clayton Adams
of Standard Oil.
Ssstandard Oil!
Mr. Warner Holland,
United States Steel.
Steel!
Mr. Fielding Hull of
American Tel and Tel.
American Tel...
they split 3 ways.
Could I have a cold
glass of water, please?
Mr. Marshall
Farnsworth of Coca Cola.
Oh honey, make that Coca
Cola, I don't wanna offend anyone.
Mr. Herbert Jordan
of Nevada Alloys.
Nevada a... it's like having
dinner at Dun and Bradstreet!
Yes Sir, I have it
all. Dinner at 8:00.
Very good, Sir. Now
may I have this please?
Oh yes, yes.
Mr. Standard Steel of
American Tel and Cola...
You see, you were
running too fast.
Of course, you were probably
anxious to get to the opera.
- What opera?
- Now Bridget,
We have a lot of work to
do and we need more help.
They will be coming
with their wives.
We better call the agency and
get an extra maid and butler.
Yes won't you be late
for the opera, Sergeant?
Oh well, the opera,
I mean what is
Lucia, da, da, tara, tara.
I mean once you've heard
Verde, you've heard it,
and I couldn't enjoy the opera
knowing that you're
here shorthanded.
But we won't be we're
going to hire another butler.
Oh, let's face it, what kind of a
butler will you get on a Sunday?
They'll probably send
you some counter man
from some luncheonette.
What else can we do?
What else can you do?
You can depend
upon me after all,
I'll never forget
your kindness to me.
So the least I can do is repay
you by helping out tonight.
But Sergeant, we need
an experienced butler.
Oh bless your heart, you
have no worries in that course.
You see during the
war, I was attached
to the British Royal Fusiliers.
Oh yes, it was my
honour to personally serve
Field Marshall Montgomery.
- As a butler?
- Through every battle, and banquet.
Oh yes, as a matter of fact,
I catered the entire
North African Campaign.
Oh that's wonderful.
There's one thing I
learned from dear old Monty,
attack to the right
and serve to the left.
But I can't let you
do it as a favour.
I insist that you get paid.
You are sweet, but
that won't be necessary,
I'm sure any little
tip that I can pick up
during the evening will
be more than sufficient.
Now if you'll just give me
your key to the wine cellar,
I'll select the proper
wine for supper.
How about us, huh?
We end up with each other
and Ernie is up at Nob Hill,
probably having cocktails
with some gorgeous heiress.
- Your move.
- I'm tired of moving.
Why don't you move
once in a while?
Is there a Corporal
Henshaw here?
- Yes.
- You're wanted on the telephone.
Thank you. Hello.
Hey hi Ernie, how's it going?
He says he's getting
dressed for dinner.
Wow!
Yeah, Sarge?
No kidding! Wow!
Yeah got you Ernie.
Right, right, right, Sarge.
What is it?
He wants us to get back to camp,
round up every cent
we can lay our hands on
and sit tight till
we hear from him.
Why?
Tonight at dinner
he expects to latch on
to a fortune in stock tips.
Hmm, how about Ernie, huh?
Right now he's got that Nob
Hill set eating out of his hands.
Hors d'oeuvres...?
- Ernest.
- Oh yes, Madame.
Have you chilled the wine yet?
- But of course, Madame.
- Very good.
Hors d'oeuvres, gentlemen?
So, he pulled out
with a $50,000 profit.
Not bad for a week's work.
Well, I heard of a merger
that's coming through this week
it might shoot the stock way up.
- Oh Ernest.
- Madame, please.
Do you know anything
about plastics?
- Oh Ernest?
- Madame, I'm trying to serve.
Would you have some
hors d'oeuvres, Sir?
- No thank you.
- Oh please try them Sir.
I merged the goose
liver with the caviar.
You'll find them rather
delicious, won't you please Sir?
Well, I'll try one.
Now where was I?
You were in plastics, Sir.
Oh yes, now take all the loose
cash you have and put it into...
Excuse me, Sir.
I didn't hear that.
- Hmm, tasty.
- Tasty plastics?
- No, no the goose liver.
- Ernest.
Madame what the...
yes Madame I...
Please circulate with
the hors d'oeuvres.
But of course, yes Madame.
It's a dress I've had for years.
Won't you ladies have
some hors d'oeuvres?
- Oh, don't they look delicious!
- Oh I think you'll like them.
Now let me see,
which one will I take?
Marshall, I'm gonna let you in
on one of the
hottest tips in years.
No, no, don't bother
picking one out.
I'll pick one out for you.
Just continue your
conversation, Sir.
Well, what's the hot
tip you have for me?
Now don't let this get
around but call your broker
first thing in the morning
and tell him to get...
Deborah, say goodnight
to Uncle Fielding.
Yes, Daddy, uncle Fielding
come upstairs and tell me a story.
Why certainly, dear.
But Sir, you were telling
a story to Mr. Farnsworth.
Don't leave him hanging.
Oh, Bilko, Pilko, I want
that funny looking man
to tell me a story.
- All right, dear.
Would you take Deborah
to her room, please?
But Sir, I haven't heard...
I mean I haven't served
the hors d'oeuvres, Sir.
Deborah darling, come
along with Mommy.
I want your Aunt Frances
to kiss you goodnight.
As I was saying Marshall,
call your broker in the morning
and tell him to get...
Now, now gentlemen, let's
not talk business all night.
Come on, it's only 7:00 o'clock.
You're right. We talk
business all day long.
We should relax at night.
Let's go to the billiard
room and play a game or 2.
Good idea.
Sir, if your broker should
call while you're gone,
do you want me to
talk to him to tell him
to buy or to sell anything?
You can leave the message...
- No, thank you.
- No, thank you.
Hors d'oeuvres?
Mr. Jordan, Long distance
call from New York, Sir.
- Well, thank you.
- Hors d'oeuvres, gentlemen?
Sure, sure, everybody stuffin'.
How is it going, Ernest?
Lousy everything going
out, nothing coming in.
Who wants the hors d'oeuvres...
Yes, yes, I understand, Fred.
Well, you did the
best you could.
I'll see what I can do on
this end if it's not too late.
- Bad news, dear?
- I'm afraid so.
That was Fred in New York.
He couldn't raise a dime.
Now unless we can raise
half a million by Tuesday,
it's the end of Nevada Alloys.
Oh dear, Herbert, there
must be something you can do.
Maybe there is.
If I can get some of this
crowd to buy our stock
it may pull us out of the hole.
- How will you do that?
- Start a rumour.
If they think Nevada Alloy is
going to merge with Texas Mining,
they'll rush to get in on it.
Herbert, is that honest?
Well, I'm afraid it's
either that or bankruptcy.
At least, let's give it a try.
I really feel proud of myself.
I shot a birdie on that tough
third hole at Pebble Beach.
- I was approaching the green...
- Champagne, Sir?
Oh yes, thank you.
Now where was I?
You were in plastics, Sir.
No, no, I was
approaching the green.
I made a beautiful wedge
shot and sunk it in three.
Excuse me Sir those golf balls,
they're made of
plastic, aren't they?
- I beg your pardon.
- Oh, champagne.
I can use a little of this. I
really feel like celebrating.
- Good news, Jordan?
- What is it?
Well, there's no reason
why I shouldn't let
a few close friends in on it.
Oh, have some
more champagne Sir.
Good news and
champagne go together.
Well, I just had a
call from New York
this is the kind of a deal that
comes along once in a lifetime.
Once in a lifetime!
Believe me gentlemen,
this merger is going to send
this stock sky high!
Well, what is it Herb come on
our tongues are hanging out!
Yes, Herb, tell us, let us all
make a bundle on this, huh.
Excuse me, Sir, the
champagne is rather bubbly.
- Come on, man, out with it.
- Yes, yes, what is it?
Will you, will you have
some more champagne, Sir?
Here it is, Nevada Alloys
and Texas Mining are merging.
By tomorrow morning
the stock will zoom.
- Buy it now.
- But it's Sunday.
- Yes, it's Sunday.
- What do we do?
Cable London and buy it
on the British Exchange.
It's Monday morning over there.
Phone, I've got
to get to a phone.
- Will you hold this please?
- Is something wrong?
Yes, we've run out of champagne.
- I'll take this.
- Thank you.
He's a very nervous fellow.
I'll spread the good news
among some of the other boys.
- Marshall?
- What do you think, Warner?
Look, I know Texas Mining and
they're not merging with anyone.
If he's telling us that, Nevada
Alloys must be in big trouble.
Don't touch it, eh?
I wouldn't touch it
with a ten foot pole.
- Why you'd lose your shirt.
- Have you got that, Hensh?
Nevada Alloys, write it
down so you won't forget it.
Now how much money were
you able to grab at the camp?
200 bucks is chicken feed!
Look, go into my room
on the wall there's a rifle.
Now stuffed in the barrel
of the rifle is 400 bucks.
For heaven's sakes,
don't pull the trigger
or you'll wipe me out.
Cable that money to the
London Stock Exchange
as fast as you can,
now remember its Alloys!
Alloys, I'm sorry, this is
the Cunningham residence.
There's no Mr. Alloys here.
Yes, this is a wrong
number, sorry.
- Ernest.
- Yes, Madame?
I think the guests
are ready to eat now.
Would you please start
carving the capons?
Yes, ma'am I'll cut the
coupon... ah carve the capons.
When I heard the news
I was flabbergasted.
Of course it will mean
millions for my company.
Thanks for tip, Herb.
Well, I think I'll join the
ladies if you'll excuse me.
Imagine that, Nevada Alloys
and Texas Mining merging.
- You don't believe that, do you?
- Why, what do you mean?
I know a false rumour
when I hear one.
Jordan's flat broke,
the whole company
and all the stockholders
are going down with him.
- I'll kill myself!
- Something wrong?
The phone. I gotta
use the phone!
Paparelli, get Henshaw or
Rocco to the phone right away.
What? Left a little
while ago, huh?
Carrying a rifle with
'em? Forget it, it's too late!
Well, Ernie your money
is on the way to England.
This is a fine time to be
sending a bundle to Britain.
Hey Bilko, Pilko!
You were supposed
to tell me a story
and if you don't I'll
tell my daddy on you.
- All right go to bed.
- I'll tell my daddy.
Okay you guys until
tomorrow morning
when the Provost
Marshall arrives,
you're confined
to your quarters.
- Will you listen to us?
- Save it for your lawyer.
What are we gonna tell Ernie?
I don't know if they
don't hang us, Ernie will.
- Should we go over the hill?
- I don't know.
- Oh, hi Sarge.
- We're sorry Ernie.
Sorry, sorry.
Suppose I was expecting too much
to have things go
right for a change.
Well, it was just
one of those things.
Yeah, it was just
600 of those things.
650 of those things, Ernie.
We found an extra 50 in
the chamber of the rifle.
What difference does it
Make? It's all gone now
Oh no, Sarge. It ain't gone.
They're just holding
it for evidence.
Yeah, they'll give it
back after the trial.
Trial? What trial?
What did I do wrong? All I
am is a stupid stockholder.
Not your trial,
Sarge. Our trial.
Didn't the M.P. tell you?
Nobody tells me anything
except to buy, keep buying.
What are you guys talking about?
We couldn't get the money
out of the barrel of the rifle,
so we took the rifle
down to the cable office.
And before we could say anything
everybody put their hands up,
and an alarm went off.
- You didn't send the money?
- We didn't have a chance.
The Police station was
right across the street.
We're sorry, Sarge.
Yeah, we'll make
it up to you Ernie.
We lost your fortune.
- So what?
- So what?
What's a stock tip worth
$100,000 profit between friends?
Gee, Sarge, we had
you figured all wrong.
Another thing, when I get
through testifying at your trial,
they'll probably give
you a couple of medals.
Ernie, may I shake your hand?
No, I wanna shake your hand.
- Sarge, $100,000?
- So what?
- Gee, what a lovely wedding!
- Yeah, did you guys see Bilko?
- He was crying like a baby.
- Yeah.
- Hey, here comes the bride now.
- Yaaay!
- How about that, huh?
- Yeah, go figure.
You go to Nob Hill, he
goes to a fishing boat,
winds up with an heiress.
How was I to know
her father owned
the biggest fishing
fleet in California?
Hey Ernie, here comes the groom.
Feel pretty smart, huh?
Switching invitations on me, huh?
Let me warn you, go on your
honeymoon but when you come back,
if I find out she's got a sister
and you didn't
tell me, watch it.
Go ahead and join your bride.
But Sarge she...
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:
Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.
Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover.
Nancy Gile as the nurse.
Jane Kean as Marion.
Jane Dulo as Mildred.
Philippa Bevans
as Major Allenby.
Barbara Barrie as Edna.
And Billie Allen as Billie.
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- Yeah!
That's a nice fella.
Gee Sarge, what
a beautiful wedding.
Yeah, she must
be a wonderful girl.
A millionaire heiress like
that marrying an ordinary G.I.
You got a handkerchief?
- Sarge, you're crying.
- Of course I'm crying.
I kept picturing
myself up there,
slipping that ring on
her finger and saying,
"With this ring I thee
wed, two steel mills,
four railroads,
a chain of hotels
a Venezuelan off
shore oil rights."
Oh Ernie, I'm sure he didn't
marry her for her money.
Oh sure, he's gonna give
the money back, of course.
Why don't you get wise?
All right, she's a pretty girl,
but you don't buy a
box of crackerjacks,
and throw away the prize.
Hey, Sarge, I hear they're going
to Hawaii on their honeymoon.
Hawaii, how dull can you get?
If she was my bride, she'd be
on her way to Venice right now.
She, what about you?
I'd be with her Dad
making the grand tour,
steel mills, railroads,
the oil wells.
Why couldn't it have been me?
- Hello, boys.
- Oh, hi Padre.
Well, Bilko. Did you
like the wedding?
Oh, I thought it was a
wonderful ceremony padre.
To tell you the truth,
Bilko, when I said,
"If there is anyone
among you who has reason
that these 2 should not
to be joined in matrimony,"
I expected to see you
come running down the aisle.
Oh really Padre, I assure you
there was nobody in that chapel
happier than I was to
see those 2 kids married.
Is that right, Bilko?
I was positive I heard you
sobbing all through the ceremony.
Well, I must admit, there
was one phrase you used
that you got to
me, where you said,
"Do you take this woman
in sickness and in wealth..."
That's health, Bilko.
Well, the organ was
blasting in my ear.
When are you going to settle
down and get married, Bilko?
Oh, I don't know Padre
where can I meet the right girl?
I don't move in those circles.
Well, where do you
suppose those 2 met?
I don't know the horse
show, the yacht club races,
the junior league ball?
No, Bilko, it was at the U.S.O.
The U.S.O.?
You mean besides the free
doughnuts and the ping pong,
they supply rich debutantes?
Which U.S.O.?
It's a charming story
the way they met.
Yes, which U.S.O., Padre?
Well, you see, this soldier
was alone in the city,
and he wondered into the
U.S.O. on a Sunday afternoon.
Ha, which U.S.O.?
A lot of families in town
offered Sunday dinner
invitations to soldiers.
It so happened our soldier
went to the home of this family,
and met their daughter.
The rest you know.
Yeah, the rest I know but I
don't know which U.S.O.?
The one in San Francisco
on Pepper Street.
Pepper Street U.S.O.!
Well, I've got some work to do.
Will I be seeing you in
church next Sunday, Sergeant?
I hope so, Padre. I
sincerely hope so.
Here you are, Private, 2 ping
pong paddles, have a good time.
Well, here we are gentleman,
Uncle Sam's matchmaking bureau.
Sarge, look, free doughnuts!
Doughnuts, if we're
lucky you'll be eating
wedding cake tonight.
Sarge, would you like
to play some ping pong?
Oh swell that's
what I came here for,
to play ping pong
with you. Come on!
Hey Ernie, suppose just
one of us finds a wealthy girl,
are we still partners?
We split it 4 ways,
us 3 and the lucky girl.
There's the
hostess, look lonely.
Finished so soon, soldier?
Nobody wanted to
play ping pong with me.
Well, would you like to
go to a movie or a concert?
No, thanks.
Gee, Sunday doesn't
seem like Sunday
when you're in a strange town.
Boy, I'll bet my mother
is cooking chicken today.
If you'd like to have dinner
with some family here in town,
I can arrange that.
Oh, that would be wonderful!
Here comes the
jackpot invitation.
You're invited to have dinner
at the home of Mr. and Mrs.
Jason Rogers, 128 Willow Street.
Willow Street? Where's that?
- Up on Nob Hill.
- Bingo!
You don't have to be
there until 2:00 o'clock.
- Have fun.
- Congratulations, soldier.
I hope you two
will be very happy.
Can I help you, soldier?
Yes, you see, this is
my first time in a big city
and gosh, I'm lonely.
You see today is my birthday,
and mum would have
baked 2 big cakes.
- 2 cakes?
- It's her birthday too.
Gosh, I'm lonely.
Well, you should
really have dinner
with some nice family today.
Oh yes, Mom would like that.
Mom always said, I
was alone too much.
I have just the family for
you, Mr. and Mrs. De Ferrari.
Did you hear that, De
Ferrari? I think I hit rich royalty.
- What's their address?
- It's the Bella Marie.
Oh, is that the
name of their estate?
No, it's their boat.
They're fishermen.
Fishermen?
How charming, but you see my
doctor has given me strict orders;
I can't eat near the water.
You see my sinus condition.
I have to eat high up like in a
penthouse or up on Nob Hill.
I'm afraid that's all the
invitations I have at the moment.
But if you care to wait I'm
expecting a call from Chinatown.
No, I'm so lonely I better
take what I can take.
Thank you very much.
Do you like my luck?
I wanted fillet mignon, I'm
gonna wind up at Scungillis.
How are you gonna get a
rich girl on a fishing boat?
I'm not. I'm going to Nob Hill.
Our little friend there,
he's gonna have Scungillis.
There he is. You
wait right here.
Hey soldier, how
about a little ping pong?
No, thanks.
Oh I thought you'd like
to work up a little appetite
for your big dinner
this afternoon.
I'm gonna go to
the De Ferrari home.
Who invited you?
I've got Mr. and
Mrs. Jason Rogers.
Jason Rogers? The
well-known African explorer?
I've been reading about
him in National Geographic.
- Gee, I guess I'm lucky.
- Oh, I should say you are.
When I think of the
conversations they'll have at dinner
all about his adventures.
I read where Mrs.
Rogers on Sundays
always cooks
native African dishes.
What kinda native
African dishes?
- Panja pooki.
- What's panja pooki?
Well, that's creamed
monkey paws.
Forget the food, as long
as I'll be with a nice family.
Oh a nice family well listen,
why don't you take my invitation?
I'm going to the De Ferraris.
They're one of the nicest
families in San Francisco.
Sarge, you've gotta excuse me,
I'm going in to make a
record to send to my mother.
Well, all right.
Sarge, Sarge, did you get
the Nob Hill invitation yet?
No, but don't
worry about it. I will.
Maybe we should
come back next Sunday.
No, and blow this
golden opportunity?
By next Sunday our little
ping pong player there
may be chairman of the board
and I'll still be eating
hero sandwiches.
I'm gonna get that invitation.
Hello mum, this is your
son, Emil Schneider.
I got rid of my chest cold
and... will you get out of here,
I'm trying to make a
record for your mother.
I thought your mother would
like hear from one of your buddies.
Hi Mom, don't you worry about
little Emil, he looks grand.
- Will you get out of here!
- The record is running, talk!
Mom, I'm at San Francisco today,
and guess who I'm
gonna have dinner with?
The De Ferrari's one of
the nicest Italian families
in San Francisco
and is mama DeFerrari
gonna fatten up our little Emil,
with lasagna, pasta
fazool, baccala.
Will you stop saying that?
Mom, I'm going to Nob Hill...
Yes, to walk off the main course
then it's back to the De
Ferraris for the biscuit tortoni,
and the zabaglione!
- Will you stop!
I guess I am cruel by
making you hungry this way.
But don't you worry;
Emil will write to you
and tell you all
about the dinner.
Would you let me talk,
the record is almost over!
Save your voice for
the community singing.
Oh, mom, I didn't tell you
this, right after the dinner,
the De Ferraris sing
all Old Italian folk songs
something like this...
"Funiculi, funicula,
funiculi, funicula!
Echoes sound afar,
funiculi, funicula!
Sing Emil!
Funiculi, funicula,
funiculi, funicula!
Echoes sound afar!
Funiculi, funicula,
funiculi, funicula!"
Say goodbye to your mother.
Goodbye Mom. Goodbye Mom!
That's it. Oh you
better, oh here it is.
Give the record to your mother.
She must be so
anxious to hear from you.
- Yeah.
- Let's go.
Oh Emil.
You better give me
your invitation to Nob Hill,
here's mine to the De Ferraris.
But I'm not going
to the De Ferraris.
You're not?
What is that you told your
mother all about the baccalà,
the lasagna, the pasta fazool
with the funiculi, funicula!
Is this what the Army taught
you to do, lie to your mother?
Oh give me that invitation
before you break
your mother's heart.
- But...
- Run along!
Run along and have a good time
and don't forget
eat all the antipasto!
All right presto! Presto!
But Sarge...
It's amazing, Bridget,
200 year old silver
and it still shines
just as bright as new.
Hello, oh yes
madam, this is Jason.
The chauffeur
left 5 minutes ago.
The car will be waiting
for you at the Campbells
within an hour.
Very good, Madame.
When is Madame returning, Jason?
Not for 2 hours, so we can
have our dinner with the soldier
without being interrupted.
I hope he likes turkey.
Now Bridget, there
hasn't been a soldier yet
we've invited to dinner
who hasn't liked turkey.
Jason, did you inform the U.S.O.
to tell the soldier to
come to the kitchen door?
Oh my goodness, I forgot.
Oh, it's nearly 2:00
o'clock. I better set the table.
That'll be our soldier now,
answer the door, Jason.
Yes.
How do you do, I'm Sgt.
Bilko I believe I'm expected.
Oh yes, the soldier from the
U.S.O. won't you come in please.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Well, this is elegant, elegant
but yet with a
certain restraint.
It reminds me so much of
the Vanderbilt mansions.
- Did you serve me there once?
- No Sir.
Now will you follow me, please?
Well, of course, of course.
Well, Bridget,
this is the soldier
from the U.S.O, Sgt. Bilko.
- Hello, Sergeant.
- How do you do?
I'll meet the staff
later but right now,
I'm sure Mr. Rogers
is waiting to meet me.
- But I'm Mr. Rogers.
- You are?
Well, isn't that
rather confusing?
I mean Rogers the butler
waiting on Mr. Jason Rogers?
But I'm Jason Rogers.
This is my wife Bridget.
We're the ones who
invited you to dinner.
Well, whose home is this?
Well, this is the home of Mr. And
Mrs. Matthew Cunningham.
But you don't have
to worry about them.
By the time they
return, you'll be gone.
Gone?
Oh, you thought you
were going to have dinner
with Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham?
I'm so sorry. I hope
you're not disappointed.
Oh, no, no that's
perfectly all right.
It's sweet of you to invite me.
I'd much rather eat here
in the kitchen with you.
After all what do I have in
common with Mr. Cunningham?
You're right.
All Mr. Cunningham talks about
during dinner is his business.
What business is that?
Oil, steel, real
estate, you name it!
- Uranium?
- Yes.
Are you crying?
It's watering a little there
must be onions in the room.
Are you cooking onions my dear?
Creamed onions, oh you
poor boy, you must be starved.
- None at all, sit down.
- All right!
Oh, I was just wondering,
is there any chance
of Mr. Cunningham dropping
into the kitchen for a late snack?
I would like to
thank him personally.
I don't believe Mr. Cunningham
has set foot in this kitchen
since the house was built.
Do you like white
meat or dark, Sergeant?
White, if you don't mind.
- Excuse me.
- Thank you very much.
Hello. Oh, yes Miss Deborah.
I didn't know you were home.
Yes, I'll do that right away.
Oh Bridget, fix a
plate for Miss Deborah.
Miss Deborah, is
that the housekeeper?
Oh good heavens, no.
She's Mr. and Mrs.
Cunningham's daughter.
Oh.
I almost got choked up.
You did say the
Cunningham's daughter
I mean Miss Cunningham.
- Yeah.
- Her father dotes on her.
- He gives her anything she wants.
- Oh really?
Well, look, why don't I
take the plate up to her?
And if this isn't enough,
she can have some of mine.
Now what room is she in?
Oh, that won't be
necessary Sergeant.
She's coming down
here to the kitchen.
She is, well, that's the
kind of heiress I admire.
Do you know what I mean?
Immensely wealthy
but not class conscious.
How do I look dear?
Yes, Miss Deborah.
How do you do miss...
I thought she'd be taller.
She's only 10 years old.
Oh, I came to dinner
11 years too soon.
Who's that funny looking man?
Now Miss Deborah,
mind your manners.
This is Sgt. Bilko.
Bilko, Pilko, what a silly name.
Oh, she's adorable.
Why don't you tell your
Daddy you want the
funny looking soldier to
come here all the time?
I don't want you to
come here anymore.
You frighten my doll.
Once your dolly got to
know me, she'd love me.
I have a wonderful
game that you and I,
and Daddy, and dolly can play.
- What game?
- It's called Monopoly.
You play it with
railroads, banks, hotels.
I don't like Monopoly.
It's a silly game.
- Not the way I play it.
- Oh really Sergeant.
I'm afraid she's not too
friendly with strangers.
Oh, she's sweet, come here
dear give your Uncle Ernie a kiss.
- Okay.
- Deborah!
Well, I'm sure she
didn't mean that.
She thought I
said give me a kick!
Now here is your plate
and go to your room!
I hurt my foot, I'm gonna
tell my Daddy on you!
No, no, let me tell Daddy on me.
Children well...
No wonder she's
spoiled, Sergeant.
Imagine giving a 10 year old
child a $50 a week allowance.
$50 a week, I have to be
a Lieutenant to make that.
Eat your dinner, Sgt.
Bilko. It will get cold.
Thank you very much.
Oh, poetry, poetry!
This blueberry pie is
sheer poetry in pastry!
Another piece Sergeant?
Oh, my tongue says yes,
but my stomach says no.
Oh good heavens
it's 5:00 o'clock.
I must be getting
back to the U.S.O!
Well, couldn't you stay and
have just a little more coffee?
Oh, I'd like to but
my buddies and I
are going to the opera tonight.
They're doing Lucia you know.
Ta da ta da ta dah.
Oh that one, it gives
me great pleasure.
Well, we wouldn't
wanna keep you Sergeant.
It's been a pleasure having you.
- Thank you.
And if you are ever
on Nob Hill again,
our kitchen is always open.
You're very sweet and
I'll always remember this.
Thank you very much.
Oh, yes Mr. Cunningham.
Mr. Cunningham? Is
he back, is he here?
A buffet dinner for
10 tonight, yes Sir.
Bridget, get out
the good silver.
- It's a VIP affair tonight.
- VIP?
Oh these sudden Sunday
buffets, the Wall Street crowd
is probably in from
New York again.
All they'll talk about at dinner
is business and stock tips.
Stock tips?
Yes Sir, the guest
list, let me get a pencil.
Oh, let me help you, go
on, go on, I'll write it down.
Thank you the newspapers
will want a guest list.
- Yeah.
- I'm ready, Sir.
Mr. Clayton Adams
of Standard Oil.
Ssstandard Oil!
Mr. Warner Holland,
United States Steel.
Steel!
Mr. Fielding Hull of
American Tel and Tel.
American Tel...
they split 3 ways.
Could I have a cold
glass of water, please?
Mr. Marshall
Farnsworth of Coca Cola.
Oh honey, make that Coca
Cola, I don't wanna offend anyone.
Mr. Herbert Jordan
of Nevada Alloys.
Nevada a... it's like having
dinner at Dun and Bradstreet!
Yes Sir, I have it
all. Dinner at 8:00.
Very good, Sir. Now
may I have this please?
Oh yes, yes.
Mr. Standard Steel of
American Tel and Cola...
You see, you were
running too fast.
Of course, you were probably
anxious to get to the opera.
- What opera?
- Now Bridget,
We have a lot of work to
do and we need more help.
They will be coming
with their wives.
We better call the agency and
get an extra maid and butler.
Yes won't you be late
for the opera, Sergeant?
Oh well, the opera,
I mean what is
Lucia, da, da, tara, tara.
I mean once you've heard
Verde, you've heard it,
and I couldn't enjoy the opera
knowing that you're
here shorthanded.
But we won't be we're
going to hire another butler.
Oh, let's face it, what kind of a
butler will you get on a Sunday?
They'll probably send
you some counter man
from some luncheonette.
What else can we do?
What else can you do?
You can depend
upon me after all,
I'll never forget
your kindness to me.
So the least I can do is repay
you by helping out tonight.
But Sergeant, we need
an experienced butler.
Oh bless your heart, you
have no worries in that course.
You see during the
war, I was attached
to the British Royal Fusiliers.
Oh yes, it was my
honour to personally serve
Field Marshall Montgomery.
- As a butler?
- Through every battle, and banquet.
Oh yes, as a matter of fact,
I catered the entire
North African Campaign.
Oh that's wonderful.
There's one thing I
learned from dear old Monty,
attack to the right
and serve to the left.
But I can't let you
do it as a favour.
I insist that you get paid.
You are sweet, but
that won't be necessary,
I'm sure any little
tip that I can pick up
during the evening will
be more than sufficient.
Now if you'll just give me
your key to the wine cellar,
I'll select the proper
wine for supper.
How about us, huh?
We end up with each other
and Ernie is up at Nob Hill,
probably having cocktails
with some gorgeous heiress.
- Your move.
- I'm tired of moving.
Why don't you move
once in a while?
Is there a Corporal
Henshaw here?
- Yes.
- You're wanted on the telephone.
Thank you. Hello.
Hey hi Ernie, how's it going?
He says he's getting
dressed for dinner.
Wow!
Yeah, Sarge?
No kidding! Wow!
Yeah got you Ernie.
Right, right, right, Sarge.
What is it?
He wants us to get back to camp,
round up every cent
we can lay our hands on
and sit tight till
we hear from him.
Why?
Tonight at dinner
he expects to latch on
to a fortune in stock tips.
Hmm, how about Ernie, huh?
Right now he's got that Nob
Hill set eating out of his hands.
Hors d'oeuvres...?
- Ernest.
- Oh yes, Madame.
Have you chilled the wine yet?
- But of course, Madame.
- Very good.
Hors d'oeuvres, gentlemen?
So, he pulled out
with a $50,000 profit.
Not bad for a week's work.
Well, I heard of a merger
that's coming through this week
it might shoot the stock way up.
- Oh Ernest.
- Madame, please.
Do you know anything
about plastics?
- Oh Ernest?
- Madame, I'm trying to serve.
Would you have some
hors d'oeuvres, Sir?
- No thank you.
- Oh please try them Sir.
I merged the goose
liver with the caviar.
You'll find them rather
delicious, won't you please Sir?
Well, I'll try one.
Now where was I?
You were in plastics, Sir.
Oh yes, now take all the loose
cash you have and put it into...
Excuse me, Sir.
I didn't hear that.
- Hmm, tasty.
- Tasty plastics?
- No, no the goose liver.
- Ernest.
Madame what the...
yes Madame I...
Please circulate with
the hors d'oeuvres.
But of course, yes Madame.
It's a dress I've had for years.
Won't you ladies have
some hors d'oeuvres?
- Oh, don't they look delicious!
- Oh I think you'll like them.
Now let me see,
which one will I take?
Marshall, I'm gonna let you in
on one of the
hottest tips in years.
No, no, don't bother
picking one out.
I'll pick one out for you.
Just continue your
conversation, Sir.
Well, what's the hot
tip you have for me?
Now don't let this get
around but call your broker
first thing in the morning
and tell him to get...
Deborah, say goodnight
to Uncle Fielding.
Yes, Daddy, uncle Fielding
come upstairs and tell me a story.
Why certainly, dear.
But Sir, you were telling
a story to Mr. Farnsworth.
Don't leave him hanging.
Oh, Bilko, Pilko, I want
that funny looking man
to tell me a story.
- All right, dear.
Would you take Deborah
to her room, please?
But Sir, I haven't heard...
I mean I haven't served
the hors d'oeuvres, Sir.
Deborah darling, come
along with Mommy.
I want your Aunt Frances
to kiss you goodnight.
As I was saying Marshall,
call your broker in the morning
and tell him to get...
Now, now gentlemen, let's
not talk business all night.
Come on, it's only 7:00 o'clock.
You're right. We talk
business all day long.
We should relax at night.
Let's go to the billiard
room and play a game or 2.
Good idea.
Sir, if your broker should
call while you're gone,
do you want me to
talk to him to tell him
to buy or to sell anything?
You can leave the message...
- No, thank you.
- No, thank you.
Hors d'oeuvres?
Mr. Jordan, Long distance
call from New York, Sir.
- Well, thank you.
- Hors d'oeuvres, gentlemen?
Sure, sure, everybody stuffin'.
How is it going, Ernest?
Lousy everything going
out, nothing coming in.
Who wants the hors d'oeuvres...
Yes, yes, I understand, Fred.
Well, you did the
best you could.
I'll see what I can do on
this end if it's not too late.
- Bad news, dear?
- I'm afraid so.
That was Fred in New York.
He couldn't raise a dime.
Now unless we can raise
half a million by Tuesday,
it's the end of Nevada Alloys.
Oh dear, Herbert, there
must be something you can do.
Maybe there is.
If I can get some of this
crowd to buy our stock
it may pull us out of the hole.
- How will you do that?
- Start a rumour.
If they think Nevada Alloy is
going to merge with Texas Mining,
they'll rush to get in on it.
Herbert, is that honest?
Well, I'm afraid it's
either that or bankruptcy.
At least, let's give it a try.
I really feel proud of myself.
I shot a birdie on that tough
third hole at Pebble Beach.
- I was approaching the green...
- Champagne, Sir?
Oh yes, thank you.
Now where was I?
You were in plastics, Sir.
No, no, I was
approaching the green.
I made a beautiful wedge
shot and sunk it in three.
Excuse me Sir those golf balls,
they're made of
plastic, aren't they?
- I beg your pardon.
- Oh, champagne.
I can use a little of this. I
really feel like celebrating.
- Good news, Jordan?
- What is it?
Well, there's no reason
why I shouldn't let
a few close friends in on it.
Oh, have some
more champagne Sir.
Good news and
champagne go together.
Well, I just had a
call from New York
this is the kind of a deal that
comes along once in a lifetime.
Once in a lifetime!
Believe me gentlemen,
this merger is going to send
this stock sky high!
Well, what is it Herb come on
our tongues are hanging out!
Yes, Herb, tell us, let us all
make a bundle on this, huh.
Excuse me, Sir, the
champagne is rather bubbly.
- Come on, man, out with it.
- Yes, yes, what is it?
Will you, will you have
some more champagne, Sir?
Here it is, Nevada Alloys
and Texas Mining are merging.
By tomorrow morning
the stock will zoom.
- Buy it now.
- But it's Sunday.
- Yes, it's Sunday.
- What do we do?
Cable London and buy it
on the British Exchange.
It's Monday morning over there.
Phone, I've got
to get to a phone.
- Will you hold this please?
- Is something wrong?
Yes, we've run out of champagne.
- I'll take this.
- Thank you.
He's a very nervous fellow.
I'll spread the good news
among some of the other boys.
- Marshall?
- What do you think, Warner?
Look, I know Texas Mining and
they're not merging with anyone.
If he's telling us that, Nevada
Alloys must be in big trouble.
Don't touch it, eh?
I wouldn't touch it
with a ten foot pole.
- Why you'd lose your shirt.
- Have you got that, Hensh?
Nevada Alloys, write it
down so you won't forget it.
Now how much money were
you able to grab at the camp?
200 bucks is chicken feed!
Look, go into my room
on the wall there's a rifle.
Now stuffed in the barrel
of the rifle is 400 bucks.
For heaven's sakes,
don't pull the trigger
or you'll wipe me out.
Cable that money to the
London Stock Exchange
as fast as you can,
now remember its Alloys!
Alloys, I'm sorry, this is
the Cunningham residence.
There's no Mr. Alloys here.
Yes, this is a wrong
number, sorry.
- Ernest.
- Yes, Madame?
I think the guests
are ready to eat now.
Would you please start
carving the capons?
Yes, ma'am I'll cut the
coupon... ah carve the capons.
When I heard the news
I was flabbergasted.
Of course it will mean
millions for my company.
Thanks for tip, Herb.
Well, I think I'll join the
ladies if you'll excuse me.
Imagine that, Nevada Alloys
and Texas Mining merging.
- You don't believe that, do you?
- Why, what do you mean?
I know a false rumour
when I hear one.
Jordan's flat broke,
the whole company
and all the stockholders
are going down with him.
- I'll kill myself!
- Something wrong?
The phone. I gotta
use the phone!
Paparelli, get Henshaw or
Rocco to the phone right away.
What? Left a little
while ago, huh?
Carrying a rifle with
'em? Forget it, it's too late!
Well, Ernie your money
is on the way to England.
This is a fine time to be
sending a bundle to Britain.
Hey Bilko, Pilko!
You were supposed
to tell me a story
and if you don't I'll
tell my daddy on you.
- All right go to bed.
- I'll tell my daddy.
Okay you guys until
tomorrow morning
when the Provost
Marshall arrives,
you're confined
to your quarters.
- Will you listen to us?
- Save it for your lawyer.
What are we gonna tell Ernie?
I don't know if they
don't hang us, Ernie will.
- Should we go over the hill?
- I don't know.
- Oh, hi Sarge.
- We're sorry Ernie.
Sorry, sorry.
Suppose I was expecting too much
to have things go
right for a change.
Well, it was just
one of those things.
Yeah, it was just
600 of those things.
650 of those things, Ernie.
We found an extra 50 in
the chamber of the rifle.
What difference does it
Make? It's all gone now
Oh no, Sarge. It ain't gone.
They're just holding
it for evidence.
Yeah, they'll give it
back after the trial.
Trial? What trial?
What did I do wrong? All I
am is a stupid stockholder.
Not your trial,
Sarge. Our trial.
Didn't the M.P. tell you?
Nobody tells me anything
except to buy, keep buying.
What are you guys talking about?
We couldn't get the money
out of the barrel of the rifle,
so we took the rifle
down to the cable office.
And before we could say anything
everybody put their hands up,
and an alarm went off.
- You didn't send the money?
- We didn't have a chance.
The Police station was
right across the street.
We're sorry, Sarge.
Yeah, we'll make
it up to you Ernie.
We lost your fortune.
- So what?
- So what?
What's a stock tip worth
$100,000 profit between friends?
Gee, Sarge, we had
you figured all wrong.
Another thing, when I get
through testifying at your trial,
they'll probably give
you a couple of medals.
Ernie, may I shake your hand?
No, I wanna shake your hand.
- Sarge, $100,000?
- So what?
- Gee, what a lovely wedding!
- Yeah, did you guys see Bilko?
- He was crying like a baby.
- Yeah.
- Hey, here comes the bride now.
- Yaaay!
- How about that, huh?
- Yeah, go figure.
You go to Nob Hill, he
goes to a fishing boat,
winds up with an heiress.
How was I to know
her father owned
the biggest fishing
fleet in California?
Hey Ernie, here comes the groom.
Feel pretty smart, huh?
Switching invitations on me, huh?
Let me warn you, go on your
honeymoon but when you come back,
if I find out she's got a sister
and you didn't
tell me, watch it.
Go ahead and join your bride.
But Sarge she...
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:
Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.
Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover.
Nancy Gile as the nurse.
Jane Kean as Marion.
Jane Dulo as Mildred.
Philippa Bevans
as Major Allenby.
Barbara Barrie as Edna.
And Billie Allen as Billie.
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