The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 4, Episode 27 - Guinea Pig Bilko - full transcript
Colonel Hall tricks Bilko into subjecting himself to a secret experiment conducted by the Army. Unbeknownst to Bilko, he's being dosed with tranquilizers.
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Come in.
Good afternoon, Sir.
Would you mind
signing these, please?
- What is it, Barker?
- The payroll receipts, Sir.
- Tomorrow is payday, you know.
- So soon?
You look pale,
Sir. What's wrong?
Bilko.
Oh, I know what you
mean, the sight of all that
fresh money around
will drive him wild.
Yes, payday to Bilko is like
a full moon to Bela Lugosi.
Isn't there some way
of restraining him?
I'd put him in a
straitjacket, if I wasn't sure
he could deal
cards with his toes.
Listen Barker, for the next
3 days, this won't be a camp.
It'll be a casino.
I have an idea, Sir
that may help a little.
Let's hear it.
Well, Bilko never gets
up before 12:00 o'clock.
Instead of paying the
men in the afternoon,
why don't we pay them
early in the morning?
Good thinking, Barker.
At least that'll
give the poor devils
a couple of hours head start.
I thought you'd like that, Sir.
I'll pass the word around.
Will 10:00 am be all right, Sir?
Col. Hall? What is it, Sir?
Nothing, just that I studied
4 years at West Point,
3 years at War College, 2
years at Field Officers School,
all leading up to outmaneuvering,
one greedy Sergeant.
Anthony, PFC, Company A.
Brinkman, Corporal, Company A.
Let's go men. Keep it moving!
Charles, Private, Company A.
Barker, it's working.
We're pulling it off.
It looks that way, Sir.
We finally caught Bilko
asleep at the switch.
Roc Henshaw!
- What's the matter, Ernie?
- Sarge, what happened?
Oh, I just had a terrible
dream. It was a nightmare.
I dreamed there was
money all around me
and I couldn't touch it.
I couldn't even bend
down and pick it up.
Oh, it was horrible.
Probably the Chow Mein you
ate at 2:00 o'clock in the morning.
No, it's that empty
feeling I got right here.
Your heart?
No, my right side,
where my wallet is.
Come on, Ernie relax.
You always get nervous
and keyed up on payday.
Payday! That's what it is.
I knew it was something.
I'm gonna get dressed.
Sarge, it's only 10:00 o'clock.
No, no, no, I got a premonition.
- What is it, Ernie?
- What is it, huh?
He's not gonna get
away with it, believe me.
- Who?
- The Colonel!
How could he do this with
me? I've been with him 15 years.
Sarge, do what? Do what?
Double cross me on behalf of
10,000 men he hardly knows.
Clemens, PFC,
Headquarters Company.
Come on, men hurry
along! Keep moving.
Davis, Corporal,
Headquarters Company.
Right along! Right
along! Right along!
Barker, this is the greatest
escape since Dunkirk.
Come on men, those of you
who wanna send money home,
you still have an
hour and a half.
Maybe the tide's
turning at last, Colonel.
Could be, Barker let's go have
a cup of coffee and celebrate.
Yes, Sir.
Keep it moving
right along, Fletcher.
- Yes, Sir.
- Keep it moving.
Company B, Doberman, Private.
Hey, what is this Fletcher?
Since when are
the men getting paid
at 10:00 o'clock in the morning?
- Colonel's orders.
- Hah!
Was I right? Did I tell you?
Do you mind staying
out of the way, Bilko?
All right, come on! Come on!
Get out your account
book, be alert.
Hello there Doberman,
just a minute...
- Sarge...
- How much does he owe?
- 7 bucks.
- What for?
7 bucks. What for?
You wanted me to bring you
back some cakes from Grove City.
Let me see 24 cupcakes, that
was $5 plus $2 amusement tax.
Amusement tax?
Anybody that enjoys eating as
much as you do should be taxed.
$7 for a couple of cupcakes?
Look, it's not my fault that
you've got a sweet tusk.
Keep it moving please.
Hello there, Fender. How much?
- $6.
- $6 please.
$6 for what?
You borrowed my
toupee twice last week.
Keep it moving. I
see them I see them!
Here we have Fleischman,
here we have Gomez.
$10 for Fleischman,
$3 for Gomez.
10 bucks for what?
You wanted a blind
date, I arranged it for you.
She was nothing, Sarge.
I didn't guarantee you
a Miss America, move it.
Hello there Gomez
my little happy Cuban.
You wanted an autographed
picture of Fidel Castro.
That was $3.
It looked like Henshaw's
handwriting to me.
- Look, please keep it.
- Hello, Bilko.
- How much does Mullen owe?
- Nothing.
- No wonder he said hello.
- All right, keep it moving.
Here's a buck, Sarge.
What, what for, you
don't owe anything?
Take it, you'll
think of something.
That's what I'm waiting for
the big Jackson, this'll be it.
Them I'll get and
do what I want.
Your name is
Zimmerman and you owe?
- $8.
- $8.
$8? I only borrowed 5!
Look, don't you ever
think of overhead?
Are you accusing me of
being crooked or something?
Can I have my money
before I answer that question?
Here, here, keep it moving!
Keep it moving! Hello
there Sugar man, that's $5.
- What for?
- Kitchen insurance.
You keep paying your premiums,
you won't be on
K.P. keep it moving.
- Write these things down.
- What's going on here?
All right, get it up, how
much does he owe?
- Come on!
- Ten-shun!
Bilko we are going to
have a talk once and for all.
Not now, Sir it's the
height of my busy season.
- What?
- Oh, hello Grover.
- How about a little lunch.
- Nothing doing, Bilko.
Here it is. Take a last look.
Bilko, I order you to leave
these men and their money alone.
Grover, look, take a card.
This could be your lucky day!
Barbella, Henshaw!
Get him back to his room
till he comes to his senses.
- Let me go!
- Sarge, come on, will you?
I've never seen Bilko
like that before, Sir.
It's only the beginning, Barker.
For the next 3
days he'll be all over
this camp like an octopus.
You're not going to
give up now, are you Sir?
Of course not.
There's nothing I like better
than a good losing fight!
He was sighted at the
radio shack at 1400, Sir.
And at the gun shed at 1430.
Yes, he seems to be
moving South East, Sir.
I would say his next
target will be to the PX.
He wouldn't be
that obvious, Barker.
Knowing Bilko, I'd say
he'd strike North of here.
- Quite possibly, Sir.
- Lieutenant.
- Yes, Sir.
- Get a squad of men together and
deploy them
around the
quartermaster warehouse.
Yes, Sir.
Colonel Hall speaking.
Did you confiscate
the roulette wheel?
Good work, Captain.
Captain Leeds surprised
him on the rifle range.
Rifle range?
But that's on the
Western edge of the camp.
I know it, you can never
tell where he will strike next.
It's a new strategy,
Guerilla gambling.
- Col. Hall.
- Yes, what is it?
Dispatch from Grove City, Sir.
Oh, no, he's broken
loose in Grove City.
Any answer, Sir?
Yes, tell the Mayor
he has my permission
to take whatever steps
he thinks necessary.
Yes, Sir.
How did Bilko manage
to get to town so fast, Sir?
I don't know, Barker.
I'm wondering if we
shouldn't alert San Francisco.
I hate to admit it, Sir, but I
think we need outside help.
Barker, we can't call in the
FBI to cope with just one man.
But why not, Sir?
Dillinger was just one man.
Yes, what is it?
Sgt. Ritzik's wife is outside
with a complaint about Bilko.
I haven't got the
strength to see her.
Put her in touch with
the Army Relief Fund.
Yes, Sir, and there's
a Major Wallace
from the Pentagon to see you.
Major Wallace? Pentagon?
Wonderful! Send him in.
- Yes, Sir.
- This is it, Barker.
Maybe he's gonna replace me.
- Oh good afternoon Colonel.
- Good afternoon Major.
This is my adjutant,
Capt. Barker.
- Barker.
- How do you do, Sir?
- Have a seat.
- Thank you.
What can I do for you?
Well, Colonel, I'm with the
Surgeon-General's
office at the Pentagon.
We've chosen Camp
Fremont to field-test
a new tranquilizer
we've developed.
Tranquilizer? You
came to the right place.
What we found is
that a good percentage
of veteran Army personnel
have a tendency to develop
Hyper-activity Neurosis.
- Hyper-activity Neurosis?
- Yes, Sir.
The main symptom is
the inability to concentrate
on military duty coupled with
excessive, misdirected energy.
- Bilko.
- I beg your pardon.
Oh, nothing, go on.
Oh, I venture to say
that you have your share
of men suffering from
this form of neurosis.
Major, I venture to
say we have with us
the leader of the
whole movement.
Exactly, how would
your tranquilizer pill
affect these men, Major?
Well, for one thing we
think it will make them more
satisfied with
their environment.
Secondly, it will
probably alleviate
certain neurotic compulsions.
You mean like conniving,
gambling, scheming?
Yes, I would say
those were symptoms
of Hyper-activity Neurosis.
In other words,
Major, your tranquilizer
would stop a chronic
troublemaker in his tracks?
- Quiet possibly.
- Doctor, how can I thank you?
I haven't done anything yet.
But you will.
I'll draw up a list of the
10 most critical cases.
I'm sure we can find 9 others.
Just a moment, these
tests must be conducted
with a certain
amount of secrecy.
What do you mean?
Well, in order to ensure
genuine reactions,
the men mustn't know
they're being given this drug.
Oh I see.
So with your permission,
I'll just check in
at the base hospital and
choose my guinea pigs
from among those soldiers
coming in for treatment.
- Fine, fine, good luck Major.
- Thank you, Colonel.
Good luck, Sir.
Now, Sir, how can we get
Bilko to check into the hospital?
Simplest thing in
the world Barker,
announce that we're
going on bivouac
and he'll be in the hospital
faster than you can
say Typhoid Mary.
We have a number,
the number being 33.
Hey, ain't there no 17 in there?
- I need number 17, too.
- Yeah me too!
All right, let's go
on with the game,
and try to conduct yourselves
like a group of gambling men
not a group of old
ladies at a charity bazaar.
Henshaw, if you please.
And here we have number 5.
- Bingo!
- Well, we have another winner!
- It's not another winner.
- It's the same one.
That's the third time
in a row for Rocco.
- Yeah!
- What? What?
What is this, Bastille Day?
I resent your insinuations
that this game is crooked.
Henshaw is
blindfolded, isn't he?
- What more do you want?
- A wall and a firing squad.
All right Mullen, one
more remark like that
and you're out of this game.
Hey, what's the difference?
I'm broke anyway.
That's the remark.
You're out of the game.
Out!
Another card, another dollar.
Oh come on!
All right gentlemen,
don't be dull hearted,
you may be unlucky in
gambling, but you're lucky in love.
Your Sergeant loves you.
How did we do, Hensh?
35 bucks not counting
The 15 Rocco won.
What do you mean not
counting the 15 Rocco won?
Get it up son,
quickly, here we are.
Get all this stuff out of
here, and let's not forget this.
- What's this?
- Number 17.
Ernie, fixing a bingo
game, that's sacrilegious.
You're right I don't know what
comes over me around payday.
I go berserk.
Yeah, you forget all
the little rules of fair play
that you ignore the
rest of the month.
I'll tell you what we'll do,
put the money in the
Platoon Welfare Box, okay?
That won't help.
You're the only guy that
has the key to the box.
All right, here,
here. What time is it?
- 4:00 o'clock.
- Where's Grover and Coogan?
They're supposed to be here.
I think they're down
at PX having to eat.
How can they think of
food at a time like this?
Well, let me see now,
when they do get here.
I'll be ready for them.
It won't take me more than
hour to clean them both out.
- Motor Pool.
- I'll take it.
Then I'll get into town
you know everybody's
has been paid out.
I just got it from group,
I feel it in my blood.
This is gonna be a
big killing this weekend.
Ernie, bad news
from the Colonel.
I'll sweep down on all of them.
They won't know what hit them.
I'll give them a double
shuff... what bad news?
Bivouac tomorrow.
- Oh, no!
- Here we go again.
Remember the last bivouac,
sleeping on the hard ground
in pup tents working from dawn
to dawn eating that K Ration.
You weren't down
the last bivouac.
I know, but you
told me about it.
I don't forget these things.
- Ernie, what are you gonna do?
- There's only one thing left to do.
I'll have to go to
see the Colonel.
Ernie, but you had
pneumonia last time.
You weren't listening,
I coughed twice.
This'll be double pneumonia.
What can be keeping Bilko?
That notice was
delivered almost 5 minutes.
Be patient, Sir.
You know Bilko; he
may be having himself
brought over on a stretcher.
Bilko, stopped
with a little pill.
If it works, that will be the
best news the Army has had
since Vanguard went into orbit.
- That's it, Sir.
- Make it good, Barker.
I don't want Bilko
getting suspicious.
Yes, Sir.
Barker, this is the
bivouac area I've chosen.
But Colonel, that
area is mostly swamp.
That's exactly
the terrain I want.
I'll be with you
in a minute, Bilko.
Yeah.
Remember Barker, this
is an amphibious exercise.
I want the men trained to fight
under the worst
possible conditions.
- Thank you, Sir.
- Yes, Sir.
You're absolutely right, Sir.
And another thing, Barker,
I won't tolerate goldbricking.
I want every man in
camp on this bivouac.
But, Sir, Major Wallace has
already excused Pvt. Thatcher.
- Thatcher?
- Yes, Sir.
Major Wallace at
the Base Hospital
says Thatcher is too
tense and too high strung
for a bivouac of this type.
Very well, he will be the
only one that's excused,
remember that Bilko.
Oh yes, Sir I wouldn't wanna
miss this outdoor adventure, Sir.
That's the spirit, Bilko, now what
did you wanna see me about?
Oh Sir, since we're
going into swampy terrain,
I'll have my men
wear their ponchos, Sir.
- Go to it, Bilko.
- Thank you, Sir.
Do you think it worked, Sir?
I'll say, right now he's
heading for that Base Hospital
as fast as his tense, high,
strung legs will carry him.
Major Wallace, so far
we have a total of 6 men
lined up for your
tranquilizer experiment.
Yes, but they're all
comparatively mild cases.
I'd like at least 1 or 2
really advanced cases
of Hyper-activity Neurosis.
Major Wallace
please I must see him.
What's your name, soldier?
Please, Sgt. Bilko but I have
no time for these little details.
This is an emergency. Where
is Major Wallace, please?
I'm Major Wallace. Well,
oh you are, thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- Now calm down, Sergeant.
Calm down, how can I calm
down? I need this little bit of help.
- Where is Major Wallace?
- I'm Major Wallace.
Oh yes, you said that.
Thank you very much, Sir.
Will nobody help me,
nobody... I just can't calm down.
You're gonna be
all right, Sergeant.
- Will I? Thank you.
- That'll be all Corporal.
Please have a seat. Thank
you, thank you very much.
Oh why do they slam
doors when they go out?
How long have you been
in the service, Sergeant?
Oh er, 15 years, Sir.
How long have you been suffering
from this nervous condition?
Months and months, Sir I can't
understand what happened to me.
I used to be like the
Rock of Gibraltar, Sir.
But now, I'm as nervous as
a tomcat on a hot tin roof, Sir.
Why don't they clean
this once in a while?
Do you find it
difficult to concentrate
on your military duties?
Oh yes! Yes.
I can't concentrate, Sir.
What I need is a few days
in the hospital perhaps,
and then I could calm down.
Don't scratch
with that pen, Sir.
- It just jolts me.
- Now, easy now, Sergeant.
Yes sir, I'll be easy.
I think I have something
here that could help you.
Oh, then you'll send to the
hospital for a few days, Sir.
- Now here.
- What?
Just take 2 of these.
What are those, Sir?
Oh, it's just a little
something to calm you down.
Thank you Sir, now
which ward do I go to, Sir?
Well, I don't think hospitalization
will be necessary, Sergeant.
I just want you to come see
me every morning and evening
for the next few days.
Oh, Sir, how can I do
that when the very thought
of a bivouac just
shatters me, shatters.
I don't know what happens
Sometimes but I just... ya gotta help me!
There will be no
bivouac for you, Sergeant.
No bivouac, Sir?
I'll call the
Colonel personally.
Well, thank you, Sir.
You have no idea what
you've done for me.
Well, that's true, Bilko.
But we'll find out soon enough.
Thank you very much, Sir.
If we act together, we can
stop him once and for all.
- What do you say?
- Down with Bilko!
- All right!
- Yeah!
Let's get the tar and feathers!
Hey, hey there he is now!
Wait, wait! What
is this, a posse?
Now Bilko, we wanna
have a serious talk with you.
Some other time, I'm busy.
- Oh no!
- Back!
Do I have to get
a chair and a whip!
Stop!
- The natives are restless tonight!
- How'd it go, Ernie!
Oh perfect! Perfect!
- Did you go to the hospital?
- Are you kidding?
The Doctor gave me 2 aspirins
and excused me from bivouac!
- Double pneumonia?
- Oh no, much more serious.
I'm on the verge of a
nervous breakdown, clever?
I gotta hand it to you, Ernie.
You're gonna be the
only guy in the cemetery
with a goldbrick
for a tombstone.
- Cut it out!
- Sarge, we're all set.
Grover and Coogan
are on their way over.
Good, I'll take
them for every cent.
I feel great tonight.
You fellas feel warm in here?
- Not particularly.
- Suddenly I feel very warm.
Corporal, would you mind
opening a window or two.
- Sure, Sarge.
- Thank you.
Well, I might as well get loose
if I wanna work on 'em tonight.
I wanna be as sharp as...
Hey Ernie, it's time to
tune in the racing results.
Racing results oh heavens no, I
wanna get some chamber music.
Oh, listen to
that lilting music.
Sarge, do you feel okay or
would you like a glass of water,
a cup of coffee, something?
Oh I feel splendid but
it's awful nice of
you to ask, Corporal.
Hey Sarge, are you
sure you're all right?
Why are you yelling?
You're disturbing my
calm and relaxed feeling.
I never felt so relaxed.
Good heavens, who could that be?
Come in.
All right, Bilko, we wanna
have a talk with you right now.
Why are they
yelling at me like this?
I'd be glad to chat
with you fellas,
pull up some chairs, won't you?
We don't need any chairs.
I just want to see that
you were comfortable.
Watch it, Fender it's a trap.
Oh I love this part
of the movement.
All right, Bilko,
now hear me good.
I'm speaking for
the entire platoon.
We're fed up with being
swindled by you, right?
- Right!
- Tell him.
Why do they yell at me?
We're tired of you keeping
us busted all the time.
- That's right, Bilko!
- Yeah!
You're nothing but a cheap,
sharpshooting conniver,
and we ain't putting
up with this anymore.
Now what do you
gotta say to that?
Oh did you hear
what they called me.
- I think that's terribly unfair.
- It worked!
I told you if we stood
up to him he'll back down.
You give us back our money!
Come on you guys!
Lay off. The Sarge
ain't feeling good.
Don't yell at them. You'll
only make them angrier.
Now look, if you fellas
think I've been unkind...
If you've been unkind, what
about that crooked Bingo game?
Yeah...
If you think the game
was crooked, Rocco,
you have the key and the box,
give them their money back.
Hey I told you, you see!
What about the 10 bucks
for that blind date Bilko?
Oh she was a nice quiet girl.
Sure, she was quiet. She
had one foot in the grave.
Here's my address book,
make your own selection.
All right now you guys,
you got what you wanted.
- Now get out of here!
- You keep out of this, Rocco.
- We're not through yet.
- I'll say we're not.
Listen Mr. Stripes,
when we're off duty
I want you to keep
out of my personal life.
That goes double for me.
- Doberman!
- Remember this Bilko!
From now on, I'm
not fat anymore!
- Come on!
- That's it.
Ernie, I don't understand this.
How could you let
them talk to you like that?
Why didn't you fight back?
Fight? Oh that would be vulgar.
I wonder if the
symphony is still on?
I love that movement.
Sarge, why don't you
lie down for a little while?
Lie down, why? I never
felt better in my life.
- It's a new Bilko.
- What a shock.
- He was like a hero to me.
- I know what you mean.
It's like finding out
that Rocky Marciano
is afraid of the dark.
Come in.
- Good afternoon, Barker.
- Good afternoon, Sir.
Well, third beautiful
day in a row.
That's how long Bilko's
been on those tranquilizers.
Have you seen him, Sir?
No, I haven't and I must say,
it feels like a vacation with pay.
Yes, Colonel.
The Doctor has been
keeping me informed
Bilko gets in bed at 10:00 and
he's up at 6:00 in the morning.
He hasn't kept hours like that
since his mother cut out
his 2:00 o'clock feeding.
Oh, you look troubled.
What's the matter?
Well, Sir.
It's the increase
in gambling, Sir.
What did you say?
Colonel Hall you've been feeling
so good, I didn't wanna spoil it.
But for the last 3 days,
there have been card games
in almost every
barracks on the post.
Well, how could
that be? Bilko is...
Sir, they still had
crime in Chicago
after they got rid of Al Capone.
Well, if Bilko's not
responsible for it, who is?
- His platoon, Sir.
- What do you mean?
The lambs have
turned into wolves, Sir.
They've become worse
than Bilko ever was.
I can't believe it.
Then come with me, Sir,
and you'll see for yourself.
Place your bets gentlemen...
Ada from Decatur,
who learned the odds...
All right, blackjack's the
game. What do you say?
- Hit me.
- Hit you, you got it.
It's incredible. Incredible!
Bilko in his palmiest days
never ran an operation like this.
I can't believe my eyes.
All right 18, dealer pays 19.
Okay, come on, get your bets up.
- Zimmerman.
- Yeah.
I need change for a 20, get it.
Okay, Sam.
- 7, 8, 9, 10.
- Thanks, Mullen.
Oh don't give me no thanks,
give me 15 bucks tomorrow.
$5 interest? Even
Bilko only took 2.
Well, Bilko was a
piker! Take it or leave it.
- All right.
- Oh and don't forget...
pay off tomorrow or you
get a visit from Muscles.
Hey Mullen, give me
change for 20, will you.
Sure thing, 10,
15, 17, 19, that's it.
19? Fender ain't
gonna like that.
Well, you tell Fender, I'm not
in this business for my health.
I can't understand how
Bilko allows this to go on!
Oh look, Sir, he's coming
out of his room now.
Oh, raise the window
so I can hear a little more.
Fellows, fellows!
I've told you time
and time again,
it's against the rules to
gamble in the barracks.
Fellows! Fellows!
Doberman, what are you doing?
Get lost Boy Scout! I'm
trying to make a buck.
Doberman?
Paparelli, you're shooting
dice, what's the matter with you?
Lay off, Bilko if I want a
sermon I'll go see the Chaplain.
10 the hard way!
Shoot the hundred boys!
Paparelli, I'm gonna be
forced to write to your parents.
Beat it, Bilko!
On the double,
Hee-yaar-hee-yar-hey-up!
There's your answer, Sir.
Barker, the experiment
has backfired.
I know, Sir.
We've tranquilized Bilko
and the result is anarchy.
Oh it's more than
anarchy, Barker.
It's a revolt of the Zombies.
I think we better find Major
Wallace immediately, Sir.
You're right, Barker
there are a few things
that I wanna tell that quack.
Major, it may
interest you to know
that I consider your
Neurex Tranquilizer a failure.
I agree with you, Sir.
I've observed that Neurex
unfortunately robs the individual
of natural aggressiveness,
and fighting spirit.
Very well, Major, but
what I want to know
how soon can you restore
Bilko to his old, obnoxious self?
Well, if we suspend treatment,
he should return to
normal within 4 to 6 days.
That's too long in 6 days
this camp could become
a summer resort for the Mafia.
There must be
something you can do.
Perhaps a strong stimulant of
some kind, I could use Benzedrine.
A strong stimulant!
By George, that's it!
Get me the Paymaster!
Wallace you've given me an idea.
Fletcher, this is Colonel Hall.
How much money do
we have in the safe?
Good, well bring
it to my office.
You heard me! The whole $50,000!
My Colonel sent for me.
- At ease, Bilko.
- Thank you, Sir.
- How are you feeling?
- Oh fine, Sir.
So wonderfully happy and relaxed,
thanks to Major Wallace here.
Yeah.
Oh Sir, did you hear
Leonard Bernstein last night?
He conducted Tchaikovsky's 6th
sometimes referred
to as The Pathetique.
You see when he first
wrote the symphony,
he didn't think it
was much good,
and when they asked
him what's the name of it,
he said it was pathetic.
And so since then
they call it Pathetique..
But it's really his 6th.
Here it is, Sir. What
shall I do with it?
Dump it on the desk!
- Dump it?
- You heard me!
On the desk!
- Bilko.
- Sir.
Would you be a good fellow
and make these
into neat piles for me?
- Well, of course Sir.
- Here, sit down.
Thank you, Sir.
The Colonel is going shopping?
How much would you
say was there, Bilko?
Oh lots and lots.
Oh.
He's coming around.
You can touch the money Bilko.
It's all right.
There's about
50,000. About 50,000!
There's about $50,000 here!
- Say it again, Bilko!
- 50,000!
Why is everybody looking at me?
I didn't steal this. I
got a perfect alibi!
Nobody is accusing you, Bilko.
I think he's all right now.
All right Fletcher,
that'll be all.
Take it back.
Let me help you boys.
Bilko!
Oh I mean... I'll
go with you fellas
see you get there all right.
- Bilko!
- Sir!
Yes, Sir!
Here you go,
fellows, I wanna be...
Sir, why don't we
split this down...
- Bilko!
- Come, I'll go with you boys.
No, no! Bilko!
Bilko! Bilko!
You wanna try a pill, Colonel?
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:
Dan Fraser as Major Wallace.
Nick Saunders as Capt. Barker.
Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover.
And Jim Bowles as Fletcher.
Premium Platform
Come in.
Good afternoon, Sir.
Would you mind
signing these, please?
- What is it, Barker?
- The payroll receipts, Sir.
- Tomorrow is payday, you know.
- So soon?
You look pale,
Sir. What's wrong?
Bilko.
Oh, I know what you
mean, the sight of all that
fresh money around
will drive him wild.
Yes, payday to Bilko is like
a full moon to Bela Lugosi.
Isn't there some way
of restraining him?
I'd put him in a
straitjacket, if I wasn't sure
he could deal
cards with his toes.
Listen Barker, for the next
3 days, this won't be a camp.
It'll be a casino.
I have an idea, Sir
that may help a little.
Let's hear it.
Well, Bilko never gets
up before 12:00 o'clock.
Instead of paying the
men in the afternoon,
why don't we pay them
early in the morning?
Good thinking, Barker.
At least that'll
give the poor devils
a couple of hours head start.
I thought you'd like that, Sir.
I'll pass the word around.
Will 10:00 am be all right, Sir?
Col. Hall? What is it, Sir?
Nothing, just that I studied
4 years at West Point,
3 years at War College, 2
years at Field Officers School,
all leading up to outmaneuvering,
one greedy Sergeant.
Anthony, PFC, Company A.
Brinkman, Corporal, Company A.
Let's go men. Keep it moving!
Charles, Private, Company A.
Barker, it's working.
We're pulling it off.
It looks that way, Sir.
We finally caught Bilko
asleep at the switch.
Roc Henshaw!
- What's the matter, Ernie?
- Sarge, what happened?
Oh, I just had a terrible
dream. It was a nightmare.
I dreamed there was
money all around me
and I couldn't touch it.
I couldn't even bend
down and pick it up.
Oh, it was horrible.
Probably the Chow Mein you
ate at 2:00 o'clock in the morning.
No, it's that empty
feeling I got right here.
Your heart?
No, my right side,
where my wallet is.
Come on, Ernie relax.
You always get nervous
and keyed up on payday.
Payday! That's what it is.
I knew it was something.
I'm gonna get dressed.
Sarge, it's only 10:00 o'clock.
No, no, no, I got a premonition.
- What is it, Ernie?
- What is it, huh?
He's not gonna get
away with it, believe me.
- Who?
- The Colonel!
How could he do this with
me? I've been with him 15 years.
Sarge, do what? Do what?
Double cross me on behalf of
10,000 men he hardly knows.
Clemens, PFC,
Headquarters Company.
Come on, men hurry
along! Keep moving.
Davis, Corporal,
Headquarters Company.
Right along! Right
along! Right along!
Barker, this is the greatest
escape since Dunkirk.
Come on men, those of you
who wanna send money home,
you still have an
hour and a half.
Maybe the tide's
turning at last, Colonel.
Could be, Barker let's go have
a cup of coffee and celebrate.
Yes, Sir.
Keep it moving
right along, Fletcher.
- Yes, Sir.
- Keep it moving.
Company B, Doberman, Private.
Hey, what is this Fletcher?
Since when are
the men getting paid
at 10:00 o'clock in the morning?
- Colonel's orders.
- Hah!
Was I right? Did I tell you?
Do you mind staying
out of the way, Bilko?
All right, come on! Come on!
Get out your account
book, be alert.
Hello there Doberman,
just a minute...
- Sarge...
- How much does he owe?
- 7 bucks.
- What for?
7 bucks. What for?
You wanted me to bring you
back some cakes from Grove City.
Let me see 24 cupcakes, that
was $5 plus $2 amusement tax.
Amusement tax?
Anybody that enjoys eating as
much as you do should be taxed.
$7 for a couple of cupcakes?
Look, it's not my fault that
you've got a sweet tusk.
Keep it moving please.
Hello there, Fender. How much?
- $6.
- $6 please.
$6 for what?
You borrowed my
toupee twice last week.
Keep it moving. I
see them I see them!
Here we have Fleischman,
here we have Gomez.
$10 for Fleischman,
$3 for Gomez.
10 bucks for what?
You wanted a blind
date, I arranged it for you.
She was nothing, Sarge.
I didn't guarantee you
a Miss America, move it.
Hello there Gomez
my little happy Cuban.
You wanted an autographed
picture of Fidel Castro.
That was $3.
It looked like Henshaw's
handwriting to me.
- Look, please keep it.
- Hello, Bilko.
- How much does Mullen owe?
- Nothing.
- No wonder he said hello.
- All right, keep it moving.
Here's a buck, Sarge.
What, what for, you
don't owe anything?
Take it, you'll
think of something.
That's what I'm waiting for
the big Jackson, this'll be it.
Them I'll get and
do what I want.
Your name is
Zimmerman and you owe?
- $8.
- $8.
$8? I only borrowed 5!
Look, don't you ever
think of overhead?
Are you accusing me of
being crooked or something?
Can I have my money
before I answer that question?
Here, here, keep it moving!
Keep it moving! Hello
there Sugar man, that's $5.
- What for?
- Kitchen insurance.
You keep paying your premiums,
you won't be on
K.P. keep it moving.
- Write these things down.
- What's going on here?
All right, get it up, how
much does he owe?
- Come on!
- Ten-shun!
Bilko we are going to
have a talk once and for all.
Not now, Sir it's the
height of my busy season.
- What?
- Oh, hello Grover.
- How about a little lunch.
- Nothing doing, Bilko.
Here it is. Take a last look.
Bilko, I order you to leave
these men and their money alone.
Grover, look, take a card.
This could be your lucky day!
Barbella, Henshaw!
Get him back to his room
till he comes to his senses.
- Let me go!
- Sarge, come on, will you?
I've never seen Bilko
like that before, Sir.
It's only the beginning, Barker.
For the next 3
days he'll be all over
this camp like an octopus.
You're not going to
give up now, are you Sir?
Of course not.
There's nothing I like better
than a good losing fight!
He was sighted at the
radio shack at 1400, Sir.
And at the gun shed at 1430.
Yes, he seems to be
moving South East, Sir.
I would say his next
target will be to the PX.
He wouldn't be
that obvious, Barker.
Knowing Bilko, I'd say
he'd strike North of here.
- Quite possibly, Sir.
- Lieutenant.
- Yes, Sir.
- Get a squad of men together and
deploy them
around the
quartermaster warehouse.
Yes, Sir.
Colonel Hall speaking.
Did you confiscate
the roulette wheel?
Good work, Captain.
Captain Leeds surprised
him on the rifle range.
Rifle range?
But that's on the
Western edge of the camp.
I know it, you can never
tell where he will strike next.
It's a new strategy,
Guerilla gambling.
- Col. Hall.
- Yes, what is it?
Dispatch from Grove City, Sir.
Oh, no, he's broken
loose in Grove City.
Any answer, Sir?
Yes, tell the Mayor
he has my permission
to take whatever steps
he thinks necessary.
Yes, Sir.
How did Bilko manage
to get to town so fast, Sir?
I don't know, Barker.
I'm wondering if we
shouldn't alert San Francisco.
I hate to admit it, Sir, but I
think we need outside help.
Barker, we can't call in the
FBI to cope with just one man.
But why not, Sir?
Dillinger was just one man.
Yes, what is it?
Sgt. Ritzik's wife is outside
with a complaint about Bilko.
I haven't got the
strength to see her.
Put her in touch with
the Army Relief Fund.
Yes, Sir, and there's
a Major Wallace
from the Pentagon to see you.
Major Wallace? Pentagon?
Wonderful! Send him in.
- Yes, Sir.
- This is it, Barker.
Maybe he's gonna replace me.
- Oh good afternoon Colonel.
- Good afternoon Major.
This is my adjutant,
Capt. Barker.
- Barker.
- How do you do, Sir?
- Have a seat.
- Thank you.
What can I do for you?
Well, Colonel, I'm with the
Surgeon-General's
office at the Pentagon.
We've chosen Camp
Fremont to field-test
a new tranquilizer
we've developed.
Tranquilizer? You
came to the right place.
What we found is
that a good percentage
of veteran Army personnel
have a tendency to develop
Hyper-activity Neurosis.
- Hyper-activity Neurosis?
- Yes, Sir.
The main symptom is
the inability to concentrate
on military duty coupled with
excessive, misdirected energy.
- Bilko.
- I beg your pardon.
Oh, nothing, go on.
Oh, I venture to say
that you have your share
of men suffering from
this form of neurosis.
Major, I venture to
say we have with us
the leader of the
whole movement.
Exactly, how would
your tranquilizer pill
affect these men, Major?
Well, for one thing we
think it will make them more
satisfied with
their environment.
Secondly, it will
probably alleviate
certain neurotic compulsions.
You mean like conniving,
gambling, scheming?
Yes, I would say
those were symptoms
of Hyper-activity Neurosis.
In other words,
Major, your tranquilizer
would stop a chronic
troublemaker in his tracks?
- Quiet possibly.
- Doctor, how can I thank you?
I haven't done anything yet.
But you will.
I'll draw up a list of the
10 most critical cases.
I'm sure we can find 9 others.
Just a moment, these
tests must be conducted
with a certain
amount of secrecy.
What do you mean?
Well, in order to ensure
genuine reactions,
the men mustn't know
they're being given this drug.
Oh I see.
So with your permission,
I'll just check in
at the base hospital and
choose my guinea pigs
from among those soldiers
coming in for treatment.
- Fine, fine, good luck Major.
- Thank you, Colonel.
Good luck, Sir.
Now, Sir, how can we get
Bilko to check into the hospital?
Simplest thing in
the world Barker,
announce that we're
going on bivouac
and he'll be in the hospital
faster than you can
say Typhoid Mary.
We have a number,
the number being 33.
Hey, ain't there no 17 in there?
- I need number 17, too.
- Yeah me too!
All right, let's go
on with the game,
and try to conduct yourselves
like a group of gambling men
not a group of old
ladies at a charity bazaar.
Henshaw, if you please.
And here we have number 5.
- Bingo!
- Well, we have another winner!
- It's not another winner.
- It's the same one.
That's the third time
in a row for Rocco.
- Yeah!
- What? What?
What is this, Bastille Day?
I resent your insinuations
that this game is crooked.
Henshaw is
blindfolded, isn't he?
- What more do you want?
- A wall and a firing squad.
All right Mullen, one
more remark like that
and you're out of this game.
Hey, what's the difference?
I'm broke anyway.
That's the remark.
You're out of the game.
Out!
Another card, another dollar.
Oh come on!
All right gentlemen,
don't be dull hearted,
you may be unlucky in
gambling, but you're lucky in love.
Your Sergeant loves you.
How did we do, Hensh?
35 bucks not counting
The 15 Rocco won.
What do you mean not
counting the 15 Rocco won?
Get it up son,
quickly, here we are.
Get all this stuff out of
here, and let's not forget this.
- What's this?
- Number 17.
Ernie, fixing a bingo
game, that's sacrilegious.
You're right I don't know what
comes over me around payday.
I go berserk.
Yeah, you forget all
the little rules of fair play
that you ignore the
rest of the month.
I'll tell you what we'll do,
put the money in the
Platoon Welfare Box, okay?
That won't help.
You're the only guy that
has the key to the box.
All right, here,
here. What time is it?
- 4:00 o'clock.
- Where's Grover and Coogan?
They're supposed to be here.
I think they're down
at PX having to eat.
How can they think of
food at a time like this?
Well, let me see now,
when they do get here.
I'll be ready for them.
It won't take me more than
hour to clean them both out.
- Motor Pool.
- I'll take it.
Then I'll get into town
you know everybody's
has been paid out.
I just got it from group,
I feel it in my blood.
This is gonna be a
big killing this weekend.
Ernie, bad news
from the Colonel.
I'll sweep down on all of them.
They won't know what hit them.
I'll give them a double
shuff... what bad news?
Bivouac tomorrow.
- Oh, no!
- Here we go again.
Remember the last bivouac,
sleeping on the hard ground
in pup tents working from dawn
to dawn eating that K Ration.
You weren't down
the last bivouac.
I know, but you
told me about it.
I don't forget these things.
- Ernie, what are you gonna do?
- There's only one thing left to do.
I'll have to go to
see the Colonel.
Ernie, but you had
pneumonia last time.
You weren't listening,
I coughed twice.
This'll be double pneumonia.
What can be keeping Bilko?
That notice was
delivered almost 5 minutes.
Be patient, Sir.
You know Bilko; he
may be having himself
brought over on a stretcher.
Bilko, stopped
with a little pill.
If it works, that will be the
best news the Army has had
since Vanguard went into orbit.
- That's it, Sir.
- Make it good, Barker.
I don't want Bilko
getting suspicious.
Yes, Sir.
Barker, this is the
bivouac area I've chosen.
But Colonel, that
area is mostly swamp.
That's exactly
the terrain I want.
I'll be with you
in a minute, Bilko.
Yeah.
Remember Barker, this
is an amphibious exercise.
I want the men trained to fight
under the worst
possible conditions.
- Thank you, Sir.
- Yes, Sir.
You're absolutely right, Sir.
And another thing, Barker,
I won't tolerate goldbricking.
I want every man in
camp on this bivouac.
But, Sir, Major Wallace has
already excused Pvt. Thatcher.
- Thatcher?
- Yes, Sir.
Major Wallace at
the Base Hospital
says Thatcher is too
tense and too high strung
for a bivouac of this type.
Very well, he will be the
only one that's excused,
remember that Bilko.
Oh yes, Sir I wouldn't wanna
miss this outdoor adventure, Sir.
That's the spirit, Bilko, now what
did you wanna see me about?
Oh Sir, since we're
going into swampy terrain,
I'll have my men
wear their ponchos, Sir.
- Go to it, Bilko.
- Thank you, Sir.
Do you think it worked, Sir?
I'll say, right now he's
heading for that Base Hospital
as fast as his tense, high,
strung legs will carry him.
Major Wallace, so far
we have a total of 6 men
lined up for your
tranquilizer experiment.
Yes, but they're all
comparatively mild cases.
I'd like at least 1 or 2
really advanced cases
of Hyper-activity Neurosis.
Major Wallace
please I must see him.
What's your name, soldier?
Please, Sgt. Bilko but I have
no time for these little details.
This is an emergency. Where
is Major Wallace, please?
I'm Major Wallace. Well,
oh you are, thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- Now calm down, Sergeant.
Calm down, how can I calm
down? I need this little bit of help.
- Where is Major Wallace?
- I'm Major Wallace.
Oh yes, you said that.
Thank you very much, Sir.
Will nobody help me,
nobody... I just can't calm down.
You're gonna be
all right, Sergeant.
- Will I? Thank you.
- That'll be all Corporal.
Please have a seat. Thank
you, thank you very much.
Oh why do they slam
doors when they go out?
How long have you been
in the service, Sergeant?
Oh er, 15 years, Sir.
How long have you been suffering
from this nervous condition?
Months and months, Sir I can't
understand what happened to me.
I used to be like the
Rock of Gibraltar, Sir.
But now, I'm as nervous as
a tomcat on a hot tin roof, Sir.
Why don't they clean
this once in a while?
Do you find it
difficult to concentrate
on your military duties?
Oh yes! Yes.
I can't concentrate, Sir.
What I need is a few days
in the hospital perhaps,
and then I could calm down.
Don't scratch
with that pen, Sir.
- It just jolts me.
- Now, easy now, Sergeant.
Yes sir, I'll be easy.
I think I have something
here that could help you.
Oh, then you'll send to the
hospital for a few days, Sir.
- Now here.
- What?
Just take 2 of these.
What are those, Sir?
Oh, it's just a little
something to calm you down.
Thank you Sir, now
which ward do I go to, Sir?
Well, I don't think hospitalization
will be necessary, Sergeant.
I just want you to come see
me every morning and evening
for the next few days.
Oh, Sir, how can I do
that when the very thought
of a bivouac just
shatters me, shatters.
I don't know what happens
Sometimes but I just... ya gotta help me!
There will be no
bivouac for you, Sergeant.
No bivouac, Sir?
I'll call the
Colonel personally.
Well, thank you, Sir.
You have no idea what
you've done for me.
Well, that's true, Bilko.
But we'll find out soon enough.
Thank you very much, Sir.
If we act together, we can
stop him once and for all.
- What do you say?
- Down with Bilko!
- All right!
- Yeah!
Let's get the tar and feathers!
Hey, hey there he is now!
Wait, wait! What
is this, a posse?
Now Bilko, we wanna
have a serious talk with you.
Some other time, I'm busy.
- Oh no!
- Back!
Do I have to get
a chair and a whip!
Stop!
- The natives are restless tonight!
- How'd it go, Ernie!
Oh perfect! Perfect!
- Did you go to the hospital?
- Are you kidding?
The Doctor gave me 2 aspirins
and excused me from bivouac!
- Double pneumonia?
- Oh no, much more serious.
I'm on the verge of a
nervous breakdown, clever?
I gotta hand it to you, Ernie.
You're gonna be the
only guy in the cemetery
with a goldbrick
for a tombstone.
- Cut it out!
- Sarge, we're all set.
Grover and Coogan
are on their way over.
Good, I'll take
them for every cent.
I feel great tonight.
You fellas feel warm in here?
- Not particularly.
- Suddenly I feel very warm.
Corporal, would you mind
opening a window or two.
- Sure, Sarge.
- Thank you.
Well, I might as well get loose
if I wanna work on 'em tonight.
I wanna be as sharp as...
Hey Ernie, it's time to
tune in the racing results.
Racing results oh heavens no, I
wanna get some chamber music.
Oh, listen to
that lilting music.
Sarge, do you feel okay or
would you like a glass of water,
a cup of coffee, something?
Oh I feel splendid but
it's awful nice of
you to ask, Corporal.
Hey Sarge, are you
sure you're all right?
Why are you yelling?
You're disturbing my
calm and relaxed feeling.
I never felt so relaxed.
Good heavens, who could that be?
Come in.
All right, Bilko, we wanna
have a talk with you right now.
Why are they
yelling at me like this?
I'd be glad to chat
with you fellas,
pull up some chairs, won't you?
We don't need any chairs.
I just want to see that
you were comfortable.
Watch it, Fender it's a trap.
Oh I love this part
of the movement.
All right, Bilko,
now hear me good.
I'm speaking for
the entire platoon.
We're fed up with being
swindled by you, right?
- Right!
- Tell him.
Why do they yell at me?
We're tired of you keeping
us busted all the time.
- That's right, Bilko!
- Yeah!
You're nothing but a cheap,
sharpshooting conniver,
and we ain't putting
up with this anymore.
Now what do you
gotta say to that?
Oh did you hear
what they called me.
- I think that's terribly unfair.
- It worked!
I told you if we stood
up to him he'll back down.
You give us back our money!
Come on you guys!
Lay off. The Sarge
ain't feeling good.
Don't yell at them. You'll
only make them angrier.
Now look, if you fellas
think I've been unkind...
If you've been unkind, what
about that crooked Bingo game?
Yeah...
If you think the game
was crooked, Rocco,
you have the key and the box,
give them their money back.
Hey I told you, you see!
What about the 10 bucks
for that blind date Bilko?
Oh she was a nice quiet girl.
Sure, she was quiet. She
had one foot in the grave.
Here's my address book,
make your own selection.
All right now you guys,
you got what you wanted.
- Now get out of here!
- You keep out of this, Rocco.
- We're not through yet.
- I'll say we're not.
Listen Mr. Stripes,
when we're off duty
I want you to keep
out of my personal life.
That goes double for me.
- Doberman!
- Remember this Bilko!
From now on, I'm
not fat anymore!
- Come on!
- That's it.
Ernie, I don't understand this.
How could you let
them talk to you like that?
Why didn't you fight back?
Fight? Oh that would be vulgar.
I wonder if the
symphony is still on?
I love that movement.
Sarge, why don't you
lie down for a little while?
Lie down, why? I never
felt better in my life.
- It's a new Bilko.
- What a shock.
- He was like a hero to me.
- I know what you mean.
It's like finding out
that Rocky Marciano
is afraid of the dark.
Come in.
- Good afternoon, Barker.
- Good afternoon, Sir.
Well, third beautiful
day in a row.
That's how long Bilko's
been on those tranquilizers.
Have you seen him, Sir?
No, I haven't and I must say,
it feels like a vacation with pay.
Yes, Colonel.
The Doctor has been
keeping me informed
Bilko gets in bed at 10:00 and
he's up at 6:00 in the morning.
He hasn't kept hours like that
since his mother cut out
his 2:00 o'clock feeding.
Oh, you look troubled.
What's the matter?
Well, Sir.
It's the increase
in gambling, Sir.
What did you say?
Colonel Hall you've been feeling
so good, I didn't wanna spoil it.
But for the last 3 days,
there have been card games
in almost every
barracks on the post.
Well, how could
that be? Bilko is...
Sir, they still had
crime in Chicago
after they got rid of Al Capone.
Well, if Bilko's not
responsible for it, who is?
- His platoon, Sir.
- What do you mean?
The lambs have
turned into wolves, Sir.
They've become worse
than Bilko ever was.
I can't believe it.
Then come with me, Sir,
and you'll see for yourself.
Place your bets gentlemen...
Ada from Decatur,
who learned the odds...
All right, blackjack's the
game. What do you say?
- Hit me.
- Hit you, you got it.
It's incredible. Incredible!
Bilko in his palmiest days
never ran an operation like this.
I can't believe my eyes.
All right 18, dealer pays 19.
Okay, come on, get your bets up.
- Zimmerman.
- Yeah.
I need change for a 20, get it.
Okay, Sam.
- 7, 8, 9, 10.
- Thanks, Mullen.
Oh don't give me no thanks,
give me 15 bucks tomorrow.
$5 interest? Even
Bilko only took 2.
Well, Bilko was a
piker! Take it or leave it.
- All right.
- Oh and don't forget...
pay off tomorrow or you
get a visit from Muscles.
Hey Mullen, give me
change for 20, will you.
Sure thing, 10,
15, 17, 19, that's it.
19? Fender ain't
gonna like that.
Well, you tell Fender, I'm not
in this business for my health.
I can't understand how
Bilko allows this to go on!
Oh look, Sir, he's coming
out of his room now.
Oh, raise the window
so I can hear a little more.
Fellows, fellows!
I've told you time
and time again,
it's against the rules to
gamble in the barracks.
Fellows! Fellows!
Doberman, what are you doing?
Get lost Boy Scout! I'm
trying to make a buck.
Doberman?
Paparelli, you're shooting
dice, what's the matter with you?
Lay off, Bilko if I want a
sermon I'll go see the Chaplain.
10 the hard way!
Shoot the hundred boys!
Paparelli, I'm gonna be
forced to write to your parents.
Beat it, Bilko!
On the double,
Hee-yaar-hee-yar-hey-up!
There's your answer, Sir.
Barker, the experiment
has backfired.
I know, Sir.
We've tranquilized Bilko
and the result is anarchy.
Oh it's more than
anarchy, Barker.
It's a revolt of the Zombies.
I think we better find Major
Wallace immediately, Sir.
You're right, Barker
there are a few things
that I wanna tell that quack.
Major, it may
interest you to know
that I consider your
Neurex Tranquilizer a failure.
I agree with you, Sir.
I've observed that Neurex
unfortunately robs the individual
of natural aggressiveness,
and fighting spirit.
Very well, Major, but
what I want to know
how soon can you restore
Bilko to his old, obnoxious self?
Well, if we suspend treatment,
he should return to
normal within 4 to 6 days.
That's too long in 6 days
this camp could become
a summer resort for the Mafia.
There must be
something you can do.
Perhaps a strong stimulant of
some kind, I could use Benzedrine.
A strong stimulant!
By George, that's it!
Get me the Paymaster!
Wallace you've given me an idea.
Fletcher, this is Colonel Hall.
How much money do
we have in the safe?
Good, well bring
it to my office.
You heard me! The whole $50,000!
My Colonel sent for me.
- At ease, Bilko.
- Thank you, Sir.
- How are you feeling?
- Oh fine, Sir.
So wonderfully happy and relaxed,
thanks to Major Wallace here.
Yeah.
Oh Sir, did you hear
Leonard Bernstein last night?
He conducted Tchaikovsky's 6th
sometimes referred
to as The Pathetique.
You see when he first
wrote the symphony,
he didn't think it
was much good,
and when they asked
him what's the name of it,
he said it was pathetic.
And so since then
they call it Pathetique..
But it's really his 6th.
Here it is, Sir. What
shall I do with it?
Dump it on the desk!
- Dump it?
- You heard me!
On the desk!
- Bilko.
- Sir.
Would you be a good fellow
and make these
into neat piles for me?
- Well, of course Sir.
- Here, sit down.
Thank you, Sir.
The Colonel is going shopping?
How much would you
say was there, Bilko?
Oh lots and lots.
Oh.
He's coming around.
You can touch the money Bilko.
It's all right.
There's about
50,000. About 50,000!
There's about $50,000 here!
- Say it again, Bilko!
- 50,000!
Why is everybody looking at me?
I didn't steal this. I
got a perfect alibi!
Nobody is accusing you, Bilko.
I think he's all right now.
All right Fletcher,
that'll be all.
Take it back.
Let me help you boys.
Bilko!
Oh I mean... I'll
go with you fellas
see you get there all right.
- Bilko!
- Sir!
Yes, Sir!
Here you go,
fellows, I wanna be...
Sir, why don't we
split this down...
- Bilko!
- Come, I'll go with you boys.
No, no! Bilko!
Bilko! Bilko!
You wanna try a pill, Colonel?
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:
Dan Fraser as Major Wallace.
Nick Saunders as Capt. Barker.
Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover.
And Jim Bowles as Fletcher.