The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 4, Episode 26 - Bilko's Godson - full transcript
Get a load of this,
"Dear Sgt. Bilko, unless
we receive payment
by the 1st of the month, we'll
be forced to attach your salary.
The California
Collection Bureau."
Get this one,
"Sgt. Ernest Bilko,
this is the 4th letter we've
written regarding your bill.
Since we have
not heard from you,
we have turned the
matter over to our lawyers.
Signed, the Grove
City Tailor Shop."
Get a load of this, "Dear
Sgt. Ernest G. Bilko,
our small claims department
informs me that you
are $200 in arrears.
Unless payment is made
promptly, we will be forced
to turn the matter over to
our mugging department.
Signed, Turk the Bookmaker."
- Dear Sgt. Bilko...
- All right.
I don't wanna hear any more
"Dear Sgt. Bilko you owe us."
"Dear Sgt. Bilko
where's our money."
"Dear Sgt. Bilko,
pay us." Look at that.
If I just had the money
they spend on stamps,
I'd be out of debt.
Did you try calling the
Grove City Loan Association,
see if you could get a loan?
It's no good, they
got a new device.
The minute the name Bilko is
heard, the phone automatically
shuts off, and the window
shades come down.
Seems every time they
hear the name Bilko, they run.
Yeah, this is the
thanks I get, huh?
There was a recession,
the President said,
"buy," so I bought.
The recession is over.
Do I get one letter of
thanks from the President?
No, this I what I get!
I guess the name Bilko has
lost its charm, huh, Ernie?
Ain't that right, Ernie?
Ernie?
Ernie? Who's Ernie?
You are! Not anymore, I'm not.
I'm changing my name, pal.
You're changing your name, why?
Why? This is why!
Everybody is after
Ernest G. Bilko.
Once I change my name
legally, I start life anew, pal.
Hey, that's a wonderful idea.
What are you gonna change it to?
I don't know, it's gotta
be a nice American name,
something with
an honest ring to it.
- Abraham Lincoln.
- It's too honest, Ernie.
You may be right. Get
me the phone book.
Flip the pages at
random, pick names
and that'll be it, pal.
- Here.
- Flip, flip!
All right, what is it?
- Harry!
- Harry what?
Harry's Delicatessen!
I'll pick the first name
of 3 different people
and that will be
my legal name, flip.
- All right, what?
- Woodrow!
Good, I like the
sound of that, move it.
- Okay.
- Hopkins!
Woodrow Hopkins, it's
got a... yeah, go ahead.
- All right.
- Wong!
Woodrow Hopkins Wong!
It sounds like the
first Chinese President
of the United States.
Look, why don't you just
use Woodrow Hopkins?
- That sounds solid.
- Good, I like that.
I'll go to the courthouse
and by tonight,
I will be legally known
as Sgt. Woodrow Hopkins.
Let's get outta here.
Wait a minute, what
about these bills?
Bills? Those are Bilko's bills.
That's his problem.
Come on Steve.
- Yes, Woodrow.
- Heh.
- Paparelli.
- Oh thank you.
Yeah, yeah. Mullen.
You got one right there.
- Fender.
- Yeah.
Any mail for Sgt.
Woodrow Hopkins?
Woodrow Hopkins?
No, nothing, Sarge.
See that Rocco,
no bills this month.
Hey Sarge, who's
Woodrow Hopkins?
- Your new Sergeant.
- New Sergeant?
Hey fellas, we got
a new Sergeant.
- Yaaay!
- When's he coming, Sarge?
He's here right
now. Tell 'em Roc.
Ernie changed his name.
From now on, he is
Sgt. Woodrow Hopkins.
What's the matter,
Sarge? You hot?
Oh shut up.
Hey, what'll I do with
all the bills for Sgt. Bilko?
Burn 'em, I don't read
other people's mail.
- Doberman.
- Yes, Sarge.
You'll have to go
through all my laundry
and change all the
monograms from E.B. to W.H.
- On the towels too?
- Everything!
Hey, Sarge, telegram for you.
Take it back, take
it back Gomez.
Ernie, doesn't
live here anymore.
Wait a minute, they
don't send bills by wire.
But to be on the safe
side, you better open it.
And don't read it to
me if it's bad news.
- Just read it real quick.
- All right, Sarge.
If you think I should know
about it, let me hear it.
No Sarge it's from our old
supply Sergeant Joey Moran.
Joey Moran, it figures
he's probably in trouble,
wants me to get him out it
just like I did all during the war.
Oh no, Sarge get a load of this,
"Dear Ernie, have become
father of bouncing baby boy.
Because of our deep
friendship during the war,
we want you to be
the baby's godfather."
Let me see that.
How do you like that?
- I'm a godfather.
- That's great, Sarge.
Wait a minute, they're even
naming the baby after me.
What are they gonna call
it, Woodrow Hopkins Moran?
You jerk, it's gonna
be Ernest Bilko Moran!
- But you're changing it.
- Who's changing it?
If Ernest Bilko is good enough
for a bouncing baby boy,
it's good enough for me!
So beloved parents
and dear friends,
I name this baby
Ernest Bilko Moran!
Congratulations,
he's a lovely boy.
- Thank you.
- Sir, is the ceremony over?
- Yes, it is.
- Oh, you were very good Ernie.
You did very good, baby.
All right, I'll take
the baby Ernie.
What, what? You'll take.
I'm the godfather,
I'll hold the baby.
- But Ernie...
- Oh let him, Joey.
You'll be able to hold
the baby all the time.
Ernie's just here
for the weekend.
What is this? Back!
What is this with...
this is a baby here.
Hello sweetheart.
Look at him, look at those eyes.
Look at that nose.
Most little babies look
like Doberman but not him.
Look at him, how beautiful.
He looks like me,
don't you think?
Well, you both got the
same amount of hair.
Don't listen to that
nasty-dasty man little Ernie.
You're beautiful! Beautiful!
- Oh, let me hold the baby.
- Let you hold who?
What? Who? Who? Who are you?
Oh, this is my mother,
the baby's Grandma.
Well, all right, but I don't
approve of this arm hopping.
Now, you be gentle Grandma.
You know how to hold a baby.
You gotta be very careful.
Oh, hello sweetheart.
I'm your Grandmother.
Uh-oh, I'm sorry
you've frightened him.
He wants his godfather.
Now don't be offended dear.
He's just doesn't
like strangers.
- Strangers?
- Oh, Mother, it's alright
Ernie just wants time.
Hold the baby. Who? Who?
- Who sneezed?
- I sneezed, why?
You'll have to go out. Out!
But I'm Uncle Max.
You should have thought
of that before you sneezed.
Now out please!
It's only hay fever.
I always sneeze. See!
Look, look, you'll have...
I want him out of here.
Now, wait a minute
Ernie. That's my Uncle.
You can't throw him out.
Well, all right but you will
take shots for your hay fever,
and if you're gonna sneeze,
sneeze up there, will you?
If you'll all come
into the dining room,
there's sandwiches and coffee.
Oh Frances, go on
and serve your guests.
I'll hold the baby.
Oh, but I wanted Joey
to take him to the Park
for a little while so
he gets some fresh air.
You mean in the Park,
with his own carriage?
Oh let me take him. I
want him to feel wanted.
I don't want him to feel
rejected by his godfather.
Believe me Frances
this'll save you
a lot of money
later in analysis.
- I know what I'm sayin'.
- Well, all right.
I'll get his blankets
and his bottle.
- Come little angel.
- I'll help you with the cot.
Come little angel
do you hear me,
him going with
his godfather Ernie.
- Morning.
- Morning.
Do you mind?
There's always room
for another father.
- Thank you.
- Is that your baby?
- Yes.
- Boy or a girl?
- Oh a boy.
- Boy, that's the only kind.
That's what I got a boy.
Ah, what does he look
like, you or your wife?
Oh, I'm not married.
I see what you're thinking.
I'm the baby's godfather.
- Oh, right.
- How old is your boy?
Oh, he's 4 weeks.
4 weeks, oh he
is a baby, isn't he?
Mine's 5 weeks and 2 days.
How much does the boy weigh?
Oh 8 pounds 4 ounces.
Oh, well, don't worry.
We can't all be muscle men.
Mine's 9 pounds and 7 ounces.
What's his blood type? B.
- A.
- What's he been eating?
- He's still on formula.
Still on formula? Sure.
How many teeth has he got?
Well he hasn't
got any teeth yet!
No teeth? Are
you sure it's a boy?
Well, of course it's a boy!
Don't get excited. He
might grow out of it.
What do you mean grow out of it?
There's nothing
wrong with my boy.
Nobody said there's
anything wrong with him
just that if you wanna
compare babies,
you don't have to be
Dr. Spock to see the difference.
- What's his name?
- Denis, Denis Harper Junior.
- Nice name for a ballet dancer.
- A ballet dancer?
Let me tell you
something, soldier,
this ballet dancer is gonna
be an All American Fullback!
Really that little skinny...
what school, Pussycat Prep?
Pussycat Prep I'm talking
about the University of Michigan.
On the day this kid was born
I enrolled him in
the class of 1977.
Well, you tell him to watch
himself in the Rose Bowl Game.
Of course Stanford has
got a quarterback named
Ernie Bilko Moran!
- Is that so?
- Yes, that's so.
Well, I'll remember
that soldier.
Sure, if you wanna bet, I'll
give you 10 points right now.
Don't worry Ernie.
I'll take care of this.
First thing tomorrow
I'm going out to Palo Alto
and enroll you in
the class of 1977!
Now what can I do for you?
Well, I have good news, after
screening the top Universities,
Yale, Princeton, Harvard,
I've decided to favour
Stanford University.
- Oh, a donation!
- Oh, better than that.
You're gonna get my godson.
I wanna enroll him
in this University.
Oh, for the next semester?
Oh good heavens.
Not for some time yet.
Oh, you're interested
in future enrollment.
- That's right.
- Now, what year?
1977.
I see, and what year did
you graduate from Stanford?
Oh, I didn't.
- You mean you didn't finish?
- I didn't start.
I'm terribly sorry,
but I can't accept
an enrollment at this time.
- Why not?
Well, an enrollment
so far in advance
is reserved as a courtesy
only for the children
of Stanford students
and graduates.
You mean just because
I went to Oxford
instead of Stanford,
I can't enroll my godson?
Oh of course you can, you'll
just have to come back later.
- How much later?
- 1976.
I may be stationed
on the moon then.
I'm sorry there's
nothing I can do.
- Can't we just...
- Just a minute.
Hello, no this is
Miss Henderson.
I'm here in the morning.
Miss Whitticombe comes
on duty in the afternoon.
- Thank you.
- Well, you've been a great help.
Perhaps you can tell
me something further.
Is there a clothes
shop near here,
I wanna get some
clothes for a new student.
- Oh yes, right across the campus.
- Thank you very much.
Miss Whitticombe speaking...
No Dean, I just came on duty
but I'll take care
of it this afternoon.
Come in.
- Miss Whitticombe?
- Yes.
Is this where the
freshmen enroll for College?
- Yes.
- Oh thank you.
I can hardly wait.
I wanna be the first
one up for the Glee Club.
You, you mean you
wanna go to College?
Oh, I see you're
surprised, a man of my age
just entering
College but you see,
I only just got out
of High School.
- It couldn't be helped.
- You just finished High School?
Well, let me explain,
you see Dad was in
the import-export business and
so I was educated in Armenia.
As a matter of fact, I graduated
the University of
Armenia with a Z.H.D.
Well, when we came to
America to further my education,
we were surprised to find the
American standards of education
were much higher
than ours in Armenia.
- And so I had to be set back a bit.
- Where did they put you?
5th grade.
So you can see, that's why
it took me so long to get here.
Very unusual.
Do you have your High
School Diploma with you?
Armenian or American?
- American?
- Oh, darn.
I sent that to
mother in Armenia.
She hangs it up on the wall.
Well, then do you have
your Armenian diploma.
Well, yes but you see,
it's at the cleaners?
At the cleaners?
Yes, in Armenia what
we have is sheepskin.
It's a real sheepskin.
Yes the students wear
it as a badge of merit.
You see and oh darn, I can
show you the cleaning ticket.
It's very unusual.
I'm afraid if you can't produce
at least a High School Diploma,
you'll be required to take
our entrance examinations.
Entrance examinations?
Well, with a man of your
educational background,
I'm sure you'll have no trouble.
It's a 3 part examination,
History, Mathematics and Science.
Oh I see, well don't they let
you choose your own category
like sports or movie stars?
I think most students
would prefer that.
Now, the examinations
will start Monday morning
at 10:00 o'clock,
Room 502, Hadley Hall.
Monday morning 10:00 o'clock.
Oh splendid,
that'll give me time
to brush up on my poshnyoshkabobs!
- What?
Poshnyoshkabobs, that is
Armenian for the conjugation of verbs,
you know, I poshny, you
poshny, she poshnicks!
Well, thank you
very much, ta-ta,
or as we say in
Armenia, saroyan.
All right Rocco, shoot
me another question.
You didn't answer
the last one yet.
I'll come back to it. Give
me another question.
All right.
Name 10 of the original signers
of the Declaration
of Independence.
10 of the original signers of
the Declaration of Independence,
- George Washington.
- Right!
- Thomas Jefferson.
- Right!
- Benjamin Franklin.
- Right!
Howard Johnson!
No, you don't know
your history too good.
I'll come back
to it. Try science.
Yeah, give me the chemical
components of magnesium phosphate.
Chemical components of
magnesium phosphate... ah,
ah, carbonated
water, lime, raspberry...
Sarge, you're back to
Howard Johnsons again.
All right, give me
some math questions.
Sarge, I don't think
1 out of 3 passes.
Look, you've gotta help me.
I gotta pass that
entrance examination
or the kid'll never
get into Stanford.
Look, why don't you let
the baby take the exam.
He could do better.
Oh, you're a big help.
Why don't you let the
baby take the exam?
I don't need ribbing, I...
maybe he is a big help.
What do you mean, Ernie?
I'll get somebody else
to take the examination.
Look, if I take the examination,
my godson will
never get into College.
But wait, now who
are you gonna get?
I'll find something.
Sarge, could I see
you for a minute.
Look, we're busy
Paparelli, please.
Sarge, could I have
3 bucks until payday?
Are you kidding? I
got my own problems.
Sarge, I gotta see this show.
It's a historical pageant.
It's my favourite subject.
Historical... hey,
he likes history.
- I love it!
- What's the name of the show?
It's The History of Burlesque,
all the famous strippers
from Eve to Gypsy Rose Lee...
Get outta here!
He'd pass the examination..
If they held it on the runway.
Sarge, why don't we
go down to personnel
and go through the records.
- Good idea.
- Sarge, Sarge.
- Could I see you a second?
- What do you want, $3?
- No, Sarge, 5.
- Sure, 5.
He wants to sit in the box seat.
The balcony ain't
good enough for him.
Well, Sarge, it's
probably the only chance
I'll ever get to see
Carl Sandburg.
Oh, he's not interested
in the strippers.
He wants to see the comics.
What is Carl doing,
all cut up and bleeding,
pick up my own hat,
who's got pockets,
Fun in the pocket, meet you
Round the corner in a half...
what are you bothering me for?
No, Sarge, its Carl Sandburg,
the Lincoln biographer.
You know the famous historian?
Well, he's giving
a lecture in town.
Hey, he's on the
level. You like history.
Oh Sarge, please
don't kid me about it.
Ever since I was 8 years old,
people have always kidded me,
because I knew so
much about history.
Yeah, did they ever kid
you because you knew
10 of the original signers of
the Declaration of Independence?
I know all 55, Robert Morris,
William Whipple, Matthew...
Hold it hold it!
Save it for the exam!
What exam?
You're gonna put a worthy
godson through Stanford University.
Hey Ernie, what about
the other subjects?
I'll try him.
Give me the component
parts of magnesium phosphate.
Magnesium phosphate, let's
see, carbonated water, lime...
Look, so he only knows history.
Yeah but Sarge,
what good is that?
What good is it? He'll
pass one third of the exam.
You, here's 5 bucks.
Go and see your Carl
Sandburg but be within reach.
I wanna brief you
about something later.
- Move it! Move it!
- Thanks Sarge.
Look, Sarge, now we
gotta find somebody
who knows science and math.
We'll go down to the
chemical warfare lab.
It's full of
scientists. Come on.
I tell you, you're nuts!
Sputnick has got it
all over Vanguard!
What Sputnick?
Vanguard can do
anything Sputnick can do!
But you don't know
what you're talking...
Wait what is this,
Sputnick, Vanguard?
What is this, a scientific
discussion in my platoon?
Yeah, I'm being scientific,
he's being prejudiced.
Sarge, who do you think
is the Queen if burlesque,
Miss Vanguard or Miss Sputnick?
Did you ever see Miss
Vanguard at the countdown?
3, 2, 1, 0 and she
blasts her clothes off!
Now you know why I want
my godson to go to College.
Just a minute Bilko, you and
I got a little discussing to do.
Turk, what are you doing here?
They don't allow
bookmakers on the post.
This is a special visit,
Bilko, for patriotic reasons.
I want you to give
me the 200 pictures
of George Washington you owe me.
Can't we talk about
this some other time?
You won't be able to
talk some other time
unless I get paid this time.
All right, all right,
let's go into my office.
Look she ain't even as
good as Cape Canaveral,
when she takes off her
cape, you should watch out.
Hey, this is a high
level conversation.
Okay Bilko, is this where
you keep the money?
Look, Turk, I'm
gonna level with you.
If you don't pay me,
Moose is gonna level you.
Look, I'll pay
you! I'll pay you!
- How much was it?
- 200, two-O-O.
Wait a minute, I
thought it was 150.
Where did you get 200?
Simple, you bet 25 bucks
on a four horse parlay, right?
- Right!
- The parlay paid off 180 but
since you owed me 70
bucks, that means you only had
110 coming which
you split into 3 bets.
You lost 2, 1 won which paid
1,480 which you doubled up
in the next race plus
a side bet of 50 bucks,
which ran out of the money.
That leaves you owing me
a grand total of 170 bucks,
plus 6% compound interest
plus 3% bookmaker commission,
which means you
owe me 200 bucks!
That's amazing, Turk.
How did you work that
out with a pen and pencil?
Simple algebra, the
horse is X, the bet is Y
and the result is the
unknown quantity.
X-Y=M.
- M?
- Moose.
Moose here's the
common denominator
who's gonna reduce
you to a fraction.
Wait a minute, this
is very interesting.
How do you know so
much about mathematics?
I was in charge of that
section in prison library.
If they hadn't
paroled me, in 2 years
I'd have been a full Professor.
Hey wait a minute, I
wanna show you something.
Here, this is a
picture of my godson.
I don't accept kids. I
want the 200 in cash.
Turk, I'll give you $250 if
you'll just do me a favour.
I want you to pass a College
mathematics entrance exam.
Bilko, you touch me.
If I hadda had someone like
you to guide me 20 years ago,
I wouldn't be standing here
today threatening your life!
Attaboy Turk, will you do it?
In the interest of Higher
Education, I'll do it.
- He'll do it!
- Look, Ernie.
We still have to
find someone to take
the science part of the exam.
Turk, you know
anything about science?
What are the component
parts of magnesium phosphate?
That ain't my territory?
Magnesium a silver
white metallic element
that burns with a
dazzling strong nitinic light.
Phosphate, a salt or
ester of phosphoric acid!
Hey Moose, how do you
know so much about chemistry?
I used to be a bootlegger.
There ain't no chemical I
haven't mixed in my bathtub.
Do you know enough to pass
a College entrance enough?
If I can make 25 year
old scotch in an hour,
I could pass anything.
Oh I'm sorry, I'm late. I
was up all night studying.
- Your name?
- Ernest G. Bilko.
Oh yes, the Armenian student.
- That's right, Sir.
- Be seated.
Thank you very much.
I'll sit here,
here, I'll sit here.
Come on.
Ladies and gentlemen, the
first part of the examination
will cover history.
You'll have 45 minutes
to complete the test.
Ready? You may begin.
Air raid drill! Everyone
into the shelter!
- Let's go.
- Air raid drill?
I didn't hear any sirens.
Oh you must have,
Sir. They went off.
Oh I heard it Sir, it came through
the window and went, mmmmm.
I thought it was one of the
students having a prank, Sir.
Well, we're right in the
middle of an examination.
Well, I'm afraid the enemy
wouldn't wait for recess.
Everyone down in the cellar,
move! All right let's go out.
The Army is just
doing their job.
Oh Sir, what about these?
Oh leave the papers on the desk.
Leave the papers on the desk.
We'll finish the exams later.
Out! Out! Let's
not panic please.
Very well done. Good!
Come on Fleischman, hurry it up!
We can't keep 'em down
in the basement forever!
That's Bilko's seat right
there. Here's a pencil.
Oh man, this is a snap!
The first question
is name 10 signers
of the Declaration
of Independence.
- Oh I know that.
- Well, write it!
Come on!
Your time is up!
I'm sorry we were
interrupted by the air raid drill.
But I think you've had
sufficient time to finish.
I had all the time I
need, Sir. What's next?
The next examination
is mathematics.
Will you please turn to it?
You will have another 45
minutes. You may begin.
Were you signaling
to me, Mr. Bilko?
Oh no, it's just
rather warm in here.
Now let me see, Pi R squared
equals the hypotenuse of 2.
Come in.
Excuse me Professor, we're from
the California
Health Department,
we're here to
fumigate this room.
Fumigate the room, why?
Well, we've discovered that
that Japanese Osaki beetle
is in this area,
and we're afraid
of the outbreak of beetle fever.
So if you'll just
empty the room...
Excuse me Doctor is
this a little yellow bug
with red dots on its back?
- That's right!
- Well, they're all over the place.
There's a few there.
- Leave 'em on the desk.
- Out!
- Hey Turk.
- Right here!
Are they kiddin'?
I took this stuff at first
term Reform School.
Ladies and gentlemen,
your time is up.
I'm sorry you were
interrupted again
but I'll make allowance for
that in grading the papers.
It's all right, Sir. I
had enough time.
Let's keep going,
I'm hot! What's next?
The next part of
the exam is science.
Science - Ready, begin!
Mr. Bilko, I don't see you
writing, are you having trouble?
No, that's the way I work,
Sir, start late, finish early.
Come in!
- Professor Coleman?
- Yes.
- Fleischman, Secret Service.
- What is it?
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
Stanford University
will be honoured by a visit
from the Vice President
of the United States.
His motorcade will arrive
on the campus in 5 minutes.
The Dean has asked
the entire student body
to assemble on the quadrangle.
- Follow me.
- Oh yeah.
- Sir!
- On the desk, please.
Leave your papers on the desk.
On the desk! All
right, let's move it!
Out everybody!
What? What? Not me.
Out please.
Oh I hope he brought
checkers with him.
Let's see, the first question
is, "What's potassium nitrate?"
Potassium nitrate?
Do you know what it is?
Sure, I used it to make Bourbon.
Oh Sir, isn't it a shame.
He didn't show up.
Well, it certainly
seemed strange.
There was no one in
the quadrangle but us.
And this is his home
state. I can't understand it!
Well, let's try and go on
with these examinations
without any further
interruptions.
Ready, begin!
The jerk did the
wrong examination.
Hey we're in the wrong seats.
Oh that's right,
what are you trying
to pull a fast one
you little chaet?
- No, I'm not trying to...
- Get to your own seat!
- What's going on?
- Nothing at all, Sir.
There will be no
interruptions. Forget it Sir.
Congratulations, Mr. Bilko.
Thank you. You mean
I passed the exam?
- With the highest marks!
- Oh wonderful!
- You should be very proud.
- Oh we are.
We?
Oh in Armenian, we
means I in the familiar form.
Oh, I see.
In going over your
papers, Professor Coleman
did remark that your
handwriting kept changing
from test to test. Why was that?
Well, you see with
such an arduous test,
I kept getting writer's cramp
so I switched
from righty to lefty.
You are an amazing student,
and we're going to be
very proud to have you here.
Thank you so very much.
And now that I am
student, I would like to enroll
my godson for the class of 1977.
Oh, of course, it
will be a privilege.
- What's the child's name?
- Ernest Bilko Moran!
Now as for you, Mr. Bilko,
the next semester
will start in 2 weeks.
Thank you very much.
Oh, Miss Whitticombe,
if something happens
and I don't show up, my
godson will be here in 1977.
Thank you and goodbye...
Oh may I say goodbye
to you Armenian style?
Why, of course.
And we will fight
for Stanford Red.
Come on little Ernie.
Well, good morning!
- Morning.
- How's your baby?
- Fine.
- How's your baby?
My baby, he's grown so
much, I can hardly tell him for...
oh no, Ernie give me
that back, give, give, give.
He's so impatient.
I keep telling him he'll
have to wait for 18 years.
Would you mind if I let
my baby play with that?
- Go right ahead.
- Yeah.
Hey, look at him go for it.
- He likes it!
- That's great.
Let's face it we can both
be proud of our babies.
Yes, Sir, we certainly can.
- Morning.
- Good morning.
Well, what have
we got here, twins?
- Yeah, both boys.
- 2 boys!
- That's remarkable!
- What's so remarkable about it?
I got 2 more sets of
twins at home, all boys!
6 boys!
He's raising his
own football team.
- Yeah, and all I've got is one.
- It's all I've got too.
Come on, Ernie,
we're going home.
I wanna have a long
talk with your parents.
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were;
Doro Merande as Mrs. Whitcomb.
Walter Brooke as the father.
Gordon Peters as
Professor Coleman.
Paul Lipson as Turk.
Ken Brauer as Moose.
Norwood smith as Joey Moran.
Norma Leary as Francis Moran.
Catherine Payne as Grandma.
Joe E. Marks as Uncle Max.
And Rolly Bester
as Miss Henderson.
"Dear Sgt. Bilko, unless
we receive payment
by the 1st of the month, we'll
be forced to attach your salary.
The California
Collection Bureau."
Get this one,
"Sgt. Ernest Bilko,
this is the 4th letter we've
written regarding your bill.
Since we have
not heard from you,
we have turned the
matter over to our lawyers.
Signed, the Grove
City Tailor Shop."
Get a load of this, "Dear
Sgt. Ernest G. Bilko,
our small claims department
informs me that you
are $200 in arrears.
Unless payment is made
promptly, we will be forced
to turn the matter over to
our mugging department.
Signed, Turk the Bookmaker."
- Dear Sgt. Bilko...
- All right.
I don't wanna hear any more
"Dear Sgt. Bilko you owe us."
"Dear Sgt. Bilko
where's our money."
"Dear Sgt. Bilko,
pay us." Look at that.
If I just had the money
they spend on stamps,
I'd be out of debt.
Did you try calling the
Grove City Loan Association,
see if you could get a loan?
It's no good, they
got a new device.
The minute the name Bilko is
heard, the phone automatically
shuts off, and the window
shades come down.
Seems every time they
hear the name Bilko, they run.
Yeah, this is the
thanks I get, huh?
There was a recession,
the President said,
"buy," so I bought.
The recession is over.
Do I get one letter of
thanks from the President?
No, this I what I get!
I guess the name Bilko has
lost its charm, huh, Ernie?
Ain't that right, Ernie?
Ernie?
Ernie? Who's Ernie?
You are! Not anymore, I'm not.
I'm changing my name, pal.
You're changing your name, why?
Why? This is why!
Everybody is after
Ernest G. Bilko.
Once I change my name
legally, I start life anew, pal.
Hey, that's a wonderful idea.
What are you gonna change it to?
I don't know, it's gotta
be a nice American name,
something with
an honest ring to it.
- Abraham Lincoln.
- It's too honest, Ernie.
You may be right. Get
me the phone book.
Flip the pages at
random, pick names
and that'll be it, pal.
- Here.
- Flip, flip!
All right, what is it?
- Harry!
- Harry what?
Harry's Delicatessen!
I'll pick the first name
of 3 different people
and that will be
my legal name, flip.
- All right, what?
- Woodrow!
Good, I like the
sound of that, move it.
- Okay.
- Hopkins!
Woodrow Hopkins, it's
got a... yeah, go ahead.
- All right.
- Wong!
Woodrow Hopkins Wong!
It sounds like the
first Chinese President
of the United States.
Look, why don't you just
use Woodrow Hopkins?
- That sounds solid.
- Good, I like that.
I'll go to the courthouse
and by tonight,
I will be legally known
as Sgt. Woodrow Hopkins.
Let's get outta here.
Wait a minute, what
about these bills?
Bills? Those are Bilko's bills.
That's his problem.
Come on Steve.
- Yes, Woodrow.
- Heh.
- Paparelli.
- Oh thank you.
Yeah, yeah. Mullen.
You got one right there.
- Fender.
- Yeah.
Any mail for Sgt.
Woodrow Hopkins?
Woodrow Hopkins?
No, nothing, Sarge.
See that Rocco,
no bills this month.
Hey Sarge, who's
Woodrow Hopkins?
- Your new Sergeant.
- New Sergeant?
Hey fellas, we got
a new Sergeant.
- Yaaay!
- When's he coming, Sarge?
He's here right
now. Tell 'em Roc.
Ernie changed his name.
From now on, he is
Sgt. Woodrow Hopkins.
What's the matter,
Sarge? You hot?
Oh shut up.
Hey, what'll I do with
all the bills for Sgt. Bilko?
Burn 'em, I don't read
other people's mail.
- Doberman.
- Yes, Sarge.
You'll have to go
through all my laundry
and change all the
monograms from E.B. to W.H.
- On the towels too?
- Everything!
Hey, Sarge, telegram for you.
Take it back, take
it back Gomez.
Ernie, doesn't
live here anymore.
Wait a minute, they
don't send bills by wire.
But to be on the safe
side, you better open it.
And don't read it to
me if it's bad news.
- Just read it real quick.
- All right, Sarge.
If you think I should know
about it, let me hear it.
No Sarge it's from our old
supply Sergeant Joey Moran.
Joey Moran, it figures
he's probably in trouble,
wants me to get him out it
just like I did all during the war.
Oh no, Sarge get a load of this,
"Dear Ernie, have become
father of bouncing baby boy.
Because of our deep
friendship during the war,
we want you to be
the baby's godfather."
Let me see that.
How do you like that?
- I'm a godfather.
- That's great, Sarge.
Wait a minute, they're even
naming the baby after me.
What are they gonna call
it, Woodrow Hopkins Moran?
You jerk, it's gonna
be Ernest Bilko Moran!
- But you're changing it.
- Who's changing it?
If Ernest Bilko is good enough
for a bouncing baby boy,
it's good enough for me!
So beloved parents
and dear friends,
I name this baby
Ernest Bilko Moran!
Congratulations,
he's a lovely boy.
- Thank you.
- Sir, is the ceremony over?
- Yes, it is.
- Oh, you were very good Ernie.
You did very good, baby.
All right, I'll take
the baby Ernie.
What, what? You'll take.
I'm the godfather,
I'll hold the baby.
- But Ernie...
- Oh let him, Joey.
You'll be able to hold
the baby all the time.
Ernie's just here
for the weekend.
What is this? Back!
What is this with...
this is a baby here.
Hello sweetheart.
Look at him, look at those eyes.
Look at that nose.
Most little babies look
like Doberman but not him.
Look at him, how beautiful.
He looks like me,
don't you think?
Well, you both got the
same amount of hair.
Don't listen to that
nasty-dasty man little Ernie.
You're beautiful! Beautiful!
- Oh, let me hold the baby.
- Let you hold who?
What? Who? Who? Who are you?
Oh, this is my mother,
the baby's Grandma.
Well, all right, but I don't
approve of this arm hopping.
Now, you be gentle Grandma.
You know how to hold a baby.
You gotta be very careful.
Oh, hello sweetheart.
I'm your Grandmother.
Uh-oh, I'm sorry
you've frightened him.
He wants his godfather.
Now don't be offended dear.
He's just doesn't
like strangers.
- Strangers?
- Oh, Mother, it's alright
Ernie just wants time.
Hold the baby. Who? Who?
- Who sneezed?
- I sneezed, why?
You'll have to go out. Out!
But I'm Uncle Max.
You should have thought
of that before you sneezed.
Now out please!
It's only hay fever.
I always sneeze. See!
Look, look, you'll have...
I want him out of here.
Now, wait a minute
Ernie. That's my Uncle.
You can't throw him out.
Well, all right but you will
take shots for your hay fever,
and if you're gonna sneeze,
sneeze up there, will you?
If you'll all come
into the dining room,
there's sandwiches and coffee.
Oh Frances, go on
and serve your guests.
I'll hold the baby.
Oh, but I wanted Joey
to take him to the Park
for a little while so
he gets some fresh air.
You mean in the Park,
with his own carriage?
Oh let me take him. I
want him to feel wanted.
I don't want him to feel
rejected by his godfather.
Believe me Frances
this'll save you
a lot of money
later in analysis.
- I know what I'm sayin'.
- Well, all right.
I'll get his blankets
and his bottle.
- Come little angel.
- I'll help you with the cot.
Come little angel
do you hear me,
him going with
his godfather Ernie.
- Morning.
- Morning.
Do you mind?
There's always room
for another father.
- Thank you.
- Is that your baby?
- Yes.
- Boy or a girl?
- Oh a boy.
- Boy, that's the only kind.
That's what I got a boy.
Ah, what does he look
like, you or your wife?
Oh, I'm not married.
I see what you're thinking.
I'm the baby's godfather.
- Oh, right.
- How old is your boy?
Oh, he's 4 weeks.
4 weeks, oh he
is a baby, isn't he?
Mine's 5 weeks and 2 days.
How much does the boy weigh?
Oh 8 pounds 4 ounces.
Oh, well, don't worry.
We can't all be muscle men.
Mine's 9 pounds and 7 ounces.
What's his blood type? B.
- A.
- What's he been eating?
- He's still on formula.
Still on formula? Sure.
How many teeth has he got?
Well he hasn't
got any teeth yet!
No teeth? Are
you sure it's a boy?
Well, of course it's a boy!
Don't get excited. He
might grow out of it.
What do you mean grow out of it?
There's nothing
wrong with my boy.
Nobody said there's
anything wrong with him
just that if you wanna
compare babies,
you don't have to be
Dr. Spock to see the difference.
- What's his name?
- Denis, Denis Harper Junior.
- Nice name for a ballet dancer.
- A ballet dancer?
Let me tell you
something, soldier,
this ballet dancer is gonna
be an All American Fullback!
Really that little skinny...
what school, Pussycat Prep?
Pussycat Prep I'm talking
about the University of Michigan.
On the day this kid was born
I enrolled him in
the class of 1977.
Well, you tell him to watch
himself in the Rose Bowl Game.
Of course Stanford has
got a quarterback named
Ernie Bilko Moran!
- Is that so?
- Yes, that's so.
Well, I'll remember
that soldier.
Sure, if you wanna bet, I'll
give you 10 points right now.
Don't worry Ernie.
I'll take care of this.
First thing tomorrow
I'm going out to Palo Alto
and enroll you in
the class of 1977!
Now what can I do for you?
Well, I have good news, after
screening the top Universities,
Yale, Princeton, Harvard,
I've decided to favour
Stanford University.
- Oh, a donation!
- Oh, better than that.
You're gonna get my godson.
I wanna enroll him
in this University.
Oh, for the next semester?
Oh good heavens.
Not for some time yet.
Oh, you're interested
in future enrollment.
- That's right.
- Now, what year?
1977.
I see, and what year did
you graduate from Stanford?
Oh, I didn't.
- You mean you didn't finish?
- I didn't start.
I'm terribly sorry,
but I can't accept
an enrollment at this time.
- Why not?
Well, an enrollment
so far in advance
is reserved as a courtesy
only for the children
of Stanford students
and graduates.
You mean just because
I went to Oxford
instead of Stanford,
I can't enroll my godson?
Oh of course you can, you'll
just have to come back later.
- How much later?
- 1976.
I may be stationed
on the moon then.
I'm sorry there's
nothing I can do.
- Can't we just...
- Just a minute.
Hello, no this is
Miss Henderson.
I'm here in the morning.
Miss Whitticombe comes
on duty in the afternoon.
- Thank you.
- Well, you've been a great help.
Perhaps you can tell
me something further.
Is there a clothes
shop near here,
I wanna get some
clothes for a new student.
- Oh yes, right across the campus.
- Thank you very much.
Miss Whitticombe speaking...
No Dean, I just came on duty
but I'll take care
of it this afternoon.
Come in.
- Miss Whitticombe?
- Yes.
Is this where the
freshmen enroll for College?
- Yes.
- Oh thank you.
I can hardly wait.
I wanna be the first
one up for the Glee Club.
You, you mean you
wanna go to College?
Oh, I see you're
surprised, a man of my age
just entering
College but you see,
I only just got out
of High School.
- It couldn't be helped.
- You just finished High School?
Well, let me explain,
you see Dad was in
the import-export business and
so I was educated in Armenia.
As a matter of fact, I graduated
the University of
Armenia with a Z.H.D.
Well, when we came to
America to further my education,
we were surprised to find the
American standards of education
were much higher
than ours in Armenia.
- And so I had to be set back a bit.
- Where did they put you?
5th grade.
So you can see, that's why
it took me so long to get here.
Very unusual.
Do you have your High
School Diploma with you?
Armenian or American?
- American?
- Oh, darn.
I sent that to
mother in Armenia.
She hangs it up on the wall.
Well, then do you have
your Armenian diploma.
Well, yes but you see,
it's at the cleaners?
At the cleaners?
Yes, in Armenia what
we have is sheepskin.
It's a real sheepskin.
Yes the students wear
it as a badge of merit.
You see and oh darn, I can
show you the cleaning ticket.
It's very unusual.
I'm afraid if you can't produce
at least a High School Diploma,
you'll be required to take
our entrance examinations.
Entrance examinations?
Well, with a man of your
educational background,
I'm sure you'll have no trouble.
It's a 3 part examination,
History, Mathematics and Science.
Oh I see, well don't they let
you choose your own category
like sports or movie stars?
I think most students
would prefer that.
Now, the examinations
will start Monday morning
at 10:00 o'clock,
Room 502, Hadley Hall.
Monday morning 10:00 o'clock.
Oh splendid,
that'll give me time
to brush up on my poshnyoshkabobs!
- What?
Poshnyoshkabobs, that is
Armenian for the conjugation of verbs,
you know, I poshny, you
poshny, she poshnicks!
Well, thank you
very much, ta-ta,
or as we say in
Armenia, saroyan.
All right Rocco, shoot
me another question.
You didn't answer
the last one yet.
I'll come back to it. Give
me another question.
All right.
Name 10 of the original signers
of the Declaration
of Independence.
10 of the original signers of
the Declaration of Independence,
- George Washington.
- Right!
- Thomas Jefferson.
- Right!
- Benjamin Franklin.
- Right!
Howard Johnson!
No, you don't know
your history too good.
I'll come back
to it. Try science.
Yeah, give me the chemical
components of magnesium phosphate.
Chemical components of
magnesium phosphate... ah,
ah, carbonated
water, lime, raspberry...
Sarge, you're back to
Howard Johnsons again.
All right, give me
some math questions.
Sarge, I don't think
1 out of 3 passes.
Look, you've gotta help me.
I gotta pass that
entrance examination
or the kid'll never
get into Stanford.
Look, why don't you let
the baby take the exam.
He could do better.
Oh, you're a big help.
Why don't you let the
baby take the exam?
I don't need ribbing, I...
maybe he is a big help.
What do you mean, Ernie?
I'll get somebody else
to take the examination.
Look, if I take the examination,
my godson will
never get into College.
But wait, now who
are you gonna get?
I'll find something.
Sarge, could I see
you for a minute.
Look, we're busy
Paparelli, please.
Sarge, could I have
3 bucks until payday?
Are you kidding? I
got my own problems.
Sarge, I gotta see this show.
It's a historical pageant.
It's my favourite subject.
Historical... hey,
he likes history.
- I love it!
- What's the name of the show?
It's The History of Burlesque,
all the famous strippers
from Eve to Gypsy Rose Lee...
Get outta here!
He'd pass the examination..
If they held it on the runway.
Sarge, why don't we
go down to personnel
and go through the records.
- Good idea.
- Sarge, Sarge.
- Could I see you a second?
- What do you want, $3?
- No, Sarge, 5.
- Sure, 5.
He wants to sit in the box seat.
The balcony ain't
good enough for him.
Well, Sarge, it's
probably the only chance
I'll ever get to see
Carl Sandburg.
Oh, he's not interested
in the strippers.
He wants to see the comics.
What is Carl doing,
all cut up and bleeding,
pick up my own hat,
who's got pockets,
Fun in the pocket, meet you
Round the corner in a half...
what are you bothering me for?
No, Sarge, its Carl Sandburg,
the Lincoln biographer.
You know the famous historian?
Well, he's giving
a lecture in town.
Hey, he's on the
level. You like history.
Oh Sarge, please
don't kid me about it.
Ever since I was 8 years old,
people have always kidded me,
because I knew so
much about history.
Yeah, did they ever kid
you because you knew
10 of the original signers of
the Declaration of Independence?
I know all 55, Robert Morris,
William Whipple, Matthew...
Hold it hold it!
Save it for the exam!
What exam?
You're gonna put a worthy
godson through Stanford University.
Hey Ernie, what about
the other subjects?
I'll try him.
Give me the component
parts of magnesium phosphate.
Magnesium phosphate, let's
see, carbonated water, lime...
Look, so he only knows history.
Yeah but Sarge,
what good is that?
What good is it? He'll
pass one third of the exam.
You, here's 5 bucks.
Go and see your Carl
Sandburg but be within reach.
I wanna brief you
about something later.
- Move it! Move it!
- Thanks Sarge.
Look, Sarge, now we
gotta find somebody
who knows science and math.
We'll go down to the
chemical warfare lab.
It's full of
scientists. Come on.
I tell you, you're nuts!
Sputnick has got it
all over Vanguard!
What Sputnick?
Vanguard can do
anything Sputnick can do!
But you don't know
what you're talking...
Wait what is this,
Sputnick, Vanguard?
What is this, a scientific
discussion in my platoon?
Yeah, I'm being scientific,
he's being prejudiced.
Sarge, who do you think
is the Queen if burlesque,
Miss Vanguard or Miss Sputnick?
Did you ever see Miss
Vanguard at the countdown?
3, 2, 1, 0 and she
blasts her clothes off!
Now you know why I want
my godson to go to College.
Just a minute Bilko, you and
I got a little discussing to do.
Turk, what are you doing here?
They don't allow
bookmakers on the post.
This is a special visit,
Bilko, for patriotic reasons.
I want you to give
me the 200 pictures
of George Washington you owe me.
Can't we talk about
this some other time?
You won't be able to
talk some other time
unless I get paid this time.
All right, all right,
let's go into my office.
Look she ain't even as
good as Cape Canaveral,
when she takes off her
cape, you should watch out.
Hey, this is a high
level conversation.
Okay Bilko, is this where
you keep the money?
Look, Turk, I'm
gonna level with you.
If you don't pay me,
Moose is gonna level you.
Look, I'll pay
you! I'll pay you!
- How much was it?
- 200, two-O-O.
Wait a minute, I
thought it was 150.
Where did you get 200?
Simple, you bet 25 bucks
on a four horse parlay, right?
- Right!
- The parlay paid off 180 but
since you owed me 70
bucks, that means you only had
110 coming which
you split into 3 bets.
You lost 2, 1 won which paid
1,480 which you doubled up
in the next race plus
a side bet of 50 bucks,
which ran out of the money.
That leaves you owing me
a grand total of 170 bucks,
plus 6% compound interest
plus 3% bookmaker commission,
which means you
owe me 200 bucks!
That's amazing, Turk.
How did you work that
out with a pen and pencil?
Simple algebra, the
horse is X, the bet is Y
and the result is the
unknown quantity.
X-Y=M.
- M?
- Moose.
Moose here's the
common denominator
who's gonna reduce
you to a fraction.
Wait a minute, this
is very interesting.
How do you know so
much about mathematics?
I was in charge of that
section in prison library.
If they hadn't
paroled me, in 2 years
I'd have been a full Professor.
Hey wait a minute, I
wanna show you something.
Here, this is a
picture of my godson.
I don't accept kids. I
want the 200 in cash.
Turk, I'll give you $250 if
you'll just do me a favour.
I want you to pass a College
mathematics entrance exam.
Bilko, you touch me.
If I hadda had someone like
you to guide me 20 years ago,
I wouldn't be standing here
today threatening your life!
Attaboy Turk, will you do it?
In the interest of Higher
Education, I'll do it.
- He'll do it!
- Look, Ernie.
We still have to
find someone to take
the science part of the exam.
Turk, you know
anything about science?
What are the component
parts of magnesium phosphate?
That ain't my territory?
Magnesium a silver
white metallic element
that burns with a
dazzling strong nitinic light.
Phosphate, a salt or
ester of phosphoric acid!
Hey Moose, how do you
know so much about chemistry?
I used to be a bootlegger.
There ain't no chemical I
haven't mixed in my bathtub.
Do you know enough to pass
a College entrance enough?
If I can make 25 year
old scotch in an hour,
I could pass anything.
Oh I'm sorry, I'm late. I
was up all night studying.
- Your name?
- Ernest G. Bilko.
Oh yes, the Armenian student.
- That's right, Sir.
- Be seated.
Thank you very much.
I'll sit here,
here, I'll sit here.
Come on.
Ladies and gentlemen, the
first part of the examination
will cover history.
You'll have 45 minutes
to complete the test.
Ready? You may begin.
Air raid drill! Everyone
into the shelter!
- Let's go.
- Air raid drill?
I didn't hear any sirens.
Oh you must have,
Sir. They went off.
Oh I heard it Sir, it came through
the window and went, mmmmm.
I thought it was one of the
students having a prank, Sir.
Well, we're right in the
middle of an examination.
Well, I'm afraid the enemy
wouldn't wait for recess.
Everyone down in the cellar,
move! All right let's go out.
The Army is just
doing their job.
Oh Sir, what about these?
Oh leave the papers on the desk.
Leave the papers on the desk.
We'll finish the exams later.
Out! Out! Let's
not panic please.
Very well done. Good!
Come on Fleischman, hurry it up!
We can't keep 'em down
in the basement forever!
That's Bilko's seat right
there. Here's a pencil.
Oh man, this is a snap!
The first question
is name 10 signers
of the Declaration
of Independence.
- Oh I know that.
- Well, write it!
Come on!
Your time is up!
I'm sorry we were
interrupted by the air raid drill.
But I think you've had
sufficient time to finish.
I had all the time I
need, Sir. What's next?
The next examination
is mathematics.
Will you please turn to it?
You will have another 45
minutes. You may begin.
Were you signaling
to me, Mr. Bilko?
Oh no, it's just
rather warm in here.
Now let me see, Pi R squared
equals the hypotenuse of 2.
Come in.
Excuse me Professor, we're from
the California
Health Department,
we're here to
fumigate this room.
Fumigate the room, why?
Well, we've discovered that
that Japanese Osaki beetle
is in this area,
and we're afraid
of the outbreak of beetle fever.
So if you'll just
empty the room...
Excuse me Doctor is
this a little yellow bug
with red dots on its back?
- That's right!
- Well, they're all over the place.
There's a few there.
- Leave 'em on the desk.
- Out!
- Hey Turk.
- Right here!
Are they kiddin'?
I took this stuff at first
term Reform School.
Ladies and gentlemen,
your time is up.
I'm sorry you were
interrupted again
but I'll make allowance for
that in grading the papers.
It's all right, Sir. I
had enough time.
Let's keep going,
I'm hot! What's next?
The next part of
the exam is science.
Science - Ready, begin!
Mr. Bilko, I don't see you
writing, are you having trouble?
No, that's the way I work,
Sir, start late, finish early.
Come in!
- Professor Coleman?
- Yes.
- Fleischman, Secret Service.
- What is it?
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
Stanford University
will be honoured by a visit
from the Vice President
of the United States.
His motorcade will arrive
on the campus in 5 minutes.
The Dean has asked
the entire student body
to assemble on the quadrangle.
- Follow me.
- Oh yeah.
- Sir!
- On the desk, please.
Leave your papers on the desk.
On the desk! All
right, let's move it!
Out everybody!
What? What? Not me.
Out please.
Oh I hope he brought
checkers with him.
Let's see, the first question
is, "What's potassium nitrate?"
Potassium nitrate?
Do you know what it is?
Sure, I used it to make Bourbon.
Oh Sir, isn't it a shame.
He didn't show up.
Well, it certainly
seemed strange.
There was no one in
the quadrangle but us.
And this is his home
state. I can't understand it!
Well, let's try and go on
with these examinations
without any further
interruptions.
Ready, begin!
The jerk did the
wrong examination.
Hey we're in the wrong seats.
Oh that's right,
what are you trying
to pull a fast one
you little chaet?
- No, I'm not trying to...
- Get to your own seat!
- What's going on?
- Nothing at all, Sir.
There will be no
interruptions. Forget it Sir.
Congratulations, Mr. Bilko.
Thank you. You mean
I passed the exam?
- With the highest marks!
- Oh wonderful!
- You should be very proud.
- Oh we are.
We?
Oh in Armenian, we
means I in the familiar form.
Oh, I see.
In going over your
papers, Professor Coleman
did remark that your
handwriting kept changing
from test to test. Why was that?
Well, you see with
such an arduous test,
I kept getting writer's cramp
so I switched
from righty to lefty.
You are an amazing student,
and we're going to be
very proud to have you here.
Thank you so very much.
And now that I am
student, I would like to enroll
my godson for the class of 1977.
Oh, of course, it
will be a privilege.
- What's the child's name?
- Ernest Bilko Moran!
Now as for you, Mr. Bilko,
the next semester
will start in 2 weeks.
Thank you very much.
Oh, Miss Whitticombe,
if something happens
and I don't show up, my
godson will be here in 1977.
Thank you and goodbye...
Oh may I say goodbye
to you Armenian style?
Why, of course.
And we will fight
for Stanford Red.
Come on little Ernie.
Well, good morning!
- Morning.
- How's your baby?
- Fine.
- How's your baby?
My baby, he's grown so
much, I can hardly tell him for...
oh no, Ernie give me
that back, give, give, give.
He's so impatient.
I keep telling him he'll
have to wait for 18 years.
Would you mind if I let
my baby play with that?
- Go right ahead.
- Yeah.
Hey, look at him go for it.
- He likes it!
- That's great.
Let's face it we can both
be proud of our babies.
Yes, Sir, we certainly can.
- Morning.
- Good morning.
Well, what have
we got here, twins?
- Yeah, both boys.
- 2 boys!
- That's remarkable!
- What's so remarkable about it?
I got 2 more sets of
twins at home, all boys!
6 boys!
He's raising his
own football team.
- Yeah, and all I've got is one.
- It's all I've got too.
Come on, Ernie,
we're going home.
I wanna have a long
talk with your parents.
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were;
Doro Merande as Mrs. Whitcomb.
Walter Brooke as the father.
Gordon Peters as
Professor Coleman.
Paul Lipson as Turk.
Ken Brauer as Moose.
Norwood smith as Joey Moran.
Norma Leary as Francis Moran.
Catherine Payne as Grandma.
Joe E. Marks as Uncle Max.
And Rolly Bester
as Miss Henderson.