The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 4, Episode 25 - Warrant Officer Papparelli - full transcript
A tough lieutenant gives Bilko and his platoon a hard time. When the lieutenant is transferred, Bilko decides to have someone from his own platoon promoted to officer status. Who better than mild-mannered Dino Paparelli?
All right Rocco, don't
stand there like a dummy.
Get the engine turnin' over.
This is a Motor Pool
not the Country Club...
Listen to that activity in
the Motor Pool, Col. Hall.
What do you think of
your Sgt. Bilko now?
You've worked wonders Lt. Blake.
You've certainly had
Bilko towing the mark.
I know the men don't like
me, because of the way
I've been driving them,
but I do get results.
Amazing! Just amazing!
Well, shall we get on
with the inspection?
Wait, I wanna
hear a little more.
Bilko working, it's so pretty!
All right, all right
fellas, are you listening?
- Oh Fender.
- Beats me.
- Okay, I see you Mullen.
- What have you got?
A pair of ladies, Queens.
No good, I got their
husbands, Kings.
Sorry, next time.
No wonder I can't win,
with that tape recorder
pounding in my ears.
Can't we shut it down?
Really, Mullen, you get
so touchy when you lose.
All right Doberman,
turn it down just a little.
All right here we go.
Ante up, dollar ante.
- What is that?
- I don't know.
Nobody can work that fast.
Can't you do anything, Doberman?
You turned the wrong knob.
- There that's much better.
- But it's not good enough, Bilko!
- Ten-shun!
- What's the meaning of this, Bilko?
Sir, it's a new idea of mine
Sir, stereophonic camouflage.
Yes, Sir. It's a military decoy.
You see we pipe
into the enemy lines,
they think we're over here
but actually, we're over there.
- Did it fool you, Sir?
- It certainly did.
I thought you were working.
Oh, did you hear that fellows?
It fooled them. It's a success.
Oh Sir, how soon can we
show it to the Pentagon?
Oh, in about a year.
That's how long you'll
be in the guard house.
The guard house, Sir?
For conducting a
military experiment, Sir?
Experiment! I'll
tell you what it is.
It's goofing off in Hi-Fi.
I'm going to throw
the book at you, Bilko!
Please, Sir I think
I know the kind of
discipline these men understand.
You're right, Lieutenant, be
rough on us, we deserve it.
Take away our movie
privileges for the weekend.
Bilko, by the time I'm through
with you and your platoon,
latrine duty's gonna
seem like a furlough.
I don't wanna hear what
you're going to do Lieutenant.
- I'd rather be surprised.
- Okay, Bilko.
First you're going
out to the drill field
with full field
equipment and march
until you can't walk anymore.
And when you can't walk anymore,
you'll crawl over
the obstacle course
and that'll leave the
rest of the weekend free.
Free, Sir?
Yes, free to pick up every
piece of trash on the entire post,
and you can start with
that one right there.
What's that?
That one right there, Sir,
I'll start with that one, Sir.
Oh my back. My
back is killing me.
- Oh, oh.
- I gotta sit down.
Sarge, you can stop
picking up now and stand up.
We're in the barracks.
I stopped a half hour
ago. Who can stand up?
Get me up outta here, will ya?
Ah, ah, ooh, ooh.
- Ah.
- Easy.
Ah, ah, oh boy it's good
to see your faces again.
I thought I was gonna have
to look at your shoe tops
for the rest of my life.
Let me sit down
a little, will ya?
Sarge, that Lt.
Blake is for the birds.
What do you want from me?
I tell you I had it better
when I was a prisoner of war.
Hey Sarge, how are we
gonna get rid of this guy Blake?
What do you want from
me? I'm sore all over.
Hey, Sarge, I've got an idea.
How about a hunger strike?
We don't touch food and
water until he lets up on us?
- How about that, Sarge?
- Hey, that's not a bad idea.
We'll put it to a vote.
All those in favour of a
hunger strike say aye!
- Aye!
- I surrender!
I forgot about the
mouth... It's off.
- Tenshun!
- At ease!
Oh thank you, Sir. Thank you.
Bilko, I'll need a
jeep immediately.
Jeep Sir, at this
time of the night, Sir?
- Please Sir, don't do it.
- Don't do what?
Don't chase us around
the obstacle course, Sir.
What are you talking about? I
want you to drive to the airport.
- I gotta catch a plane.
- A plane, Sir?
Yes, for Germany, I've
been transferred overseas.
Would you mind
repeating that, Sir?
My heart was beating so loudly,
I couldn't hear what you said?
I'm being transferred
to Germany, Bilko.
- I'm leaving Camp Fremont.
- Hip, hip!
Hip, hip, he hurt his
hip on the hike, Sir.
Germany, Sir, ach du
lieber, that's good news.
I mean for the boys
over there to get such a...
such a... I know there's
a word for you, Sir.
It's right on the
tip of my tongue.
Oh, you're not
fooling anyone, Bilko.
- You're delighted to see me go.
- Really?
But don't think you're
in for a good time, Bilko.
I've written
complete instructions
for whatever Officer
is to replace me.
So you're not going to
get away with a thing.
No, Sir.
Well, I've got to
get to the airport.
Gomez, what are
you standing there for?
The Lt. has to get to Germany!
- Hurry up!
- Thank you, Bilko.
- Well, goodbye.
- Hail!
- Oh goodbye, Sir.
- Now, Sarge?
Now! Now!
- Hip! Hip!
- Hooray!
At last the war is over!
Break it off. Come
on, get some sleep.
Tomorrow bingo starts
early in the morning.
- Get me to my room will you.
- Yes, Sarge.
Oh boy, I thought
we'd never see him go.
- Boy, what a break!
- Take it easy, Sarge.
All right, just relax. Oh.
Here you go. Ah!
Happy days are here again.
Should I set your alarm clock
for lunch or dinner, Sarge?
Make it for dinner.
We might as well
enjoy this while we can.
- What do you mean?
- This freedom is just temporary.
In another week, the
new Officer comes,
he reads Bilko's Confidential,
and it's back to the chain gang.
Yeah, I guess
you're right, Sarge.
Maybe the next officer we
get will be a nice sweet guy.
Those are the very words
that Dr. Frankenstein used,
and then the monster walked in.
- I guess there's no way out.
- There's gotta be a way.
Wouldn't it be nice if they
let us pick our own Officer?
Stop dreaming, Hensh, the
guy we want is not wearing bars.
He's behind bars.
Unless... unless? Unless?
Unless we make our own Officer.
Of course we've been
leaving this chance too long
that's what we need.
A loyal upstanding
Officer who will do
anything we want him to do.
That's crazy, Ernie!
Where would we
find a man like that?
In my platoon sleeping on
those barracks is our next Officer.
Come on, the
talent search is on.
Fender, Fender!
Wake up! Wake up!
What? What? Who is it?
It's all right, it's me, Ernie.
Sam, you've gotta
do me a favour.
You've got good handwriting.
Will you forge the Colonel's
name on a 3-day pass for me?
Are you nuts? What do
you think I am, a crook?
Shh, all right, take
his name off the list.
All right, go back to sleep.
Zimmerman! Zimmerman! Wake up.
What's the matter, is
he back from Germany?
No, no, take it easy.
Look Zimmerman, first
thing tomorrow morning,
I want you to take
the Colonel's staff car.
Go into town to a
Used Car Dealer
and see what you
can get for the car.
Will you do that for me?
Get out of here! I'm
not gonna be a car thief!
You're not gonna
be an Officer either.
Take his name off the list.
- Go back to sleep.
- Sarge, that's 2 down.
Don't think it
doesn't hurt to find
2 honest men on the platoon.
Mullen, Mullen!
Wake up! Wake up!
What do you want, Sarge?
Mullen, you gotta help me out
I got a case full of hot watches.
I want you to hide
'em in your foot locker,
you're in for half the take.
How about it?
You're backing up
the wrong tree, Sarge.
I don't go for
that kind of stuff.
Shows you how wrong he can be.
Him I would have
bet on shows you
you can't go by
a dishonest face.
All right back to sleep.
- Dino! Dino!
- Leave me alone, I wanna sleep.
Come on, look,
look take it easy.
Paparelli, look you've
gotta help me out of a jam.
There's a letter on
the Colonel's desk.
I want you to rip it open
and see what's in the letter.
- Will you do that?
- Are you crazy, Sarge?
- Oh forget it, Dino.
- I'll steam it open!
My boy! My boy!
You wanna hide 'em in
my foot locker, Sarge?
- Hide what?
- The hot watches!
After I take the Colonel's
car to the Used Car Dealer,
I can forge your
signature on the passes.
Gentlemen, this is what
I call Officer's material.
Sarge, I don't
wanna be an Officer.
Nobody'll like me anymore.
What are you talking
about? We'll all like you.
We'll love you.
But why do I have to
become an Officer, Sarge?
Dino, do you wanna see the
end of our beautiful way of life?
Would you wanna see the
destruction of our four freedoms,
bingo, poker,
roulette, dice, huh?
Huh?
You want them to take
these things away from us?
- But why me, Sarge?
- Why Nathan Hale?
Somebody has to
make the sacrifice.
Besides Dino, don't think
of yourself as an Officer.
Think of yourself as
our little stool pigeon.
Oh, well, that's
different, Sarge.
Roc, did you get the application
for Officers Training School?
I'm sorry, Sarge, the
quota's all filled up.
There won't be an
opening for year.
A year! A year without gambling!
What am I supposed
to live off-my Army pay?
Gee, Ernie, what
are we gonna do?
Hey, Sarge, maybe if I
forged the Colonel's name
on the application blank.
What a shame? He'd
have made a fine Officer.
Hey Sarge just got an order
to stand by for inspection.
Leave me alone with
inspections. I got my own problems.
You better get ready for this
one, its big brass, General Wheeler!
Look, I'm not worried
about General Wheeler.
I'm worried about Lieutenant.
Paparelli, that's what...
General Wheeler, wait a
minute. That's it, a General!
You're gonna make
me a General, Sarge?
No, but General Wheeler is gonna
help us make you a Lieutenant.
How?
Remember that Sgt. Brophy
in Okinawa during the war?
Yeah, he captured 28
prisoners single-handed.
Right and the General made
him a Lieutenant right on the spot.
But that was during the war.
So what? It's the same thing.
We're at war again.
It's us against the Army.
Have the platoon stand by
for Combat Inspection at 0900.
There's a General coming, I
want everything spic and span.
Right, Sarge.
Gentlemen, that General
Wheeler is about to meet
the bravest soldier
in peacetime history.
All right now, look alive.
There's gonna be an
inspection. The General's coming.
I want everything
shipshape! Roc, come here.
Paparelli, everything all set?
I got the phony
grenade right here.
Now it will go off, but it's
only loaded with blanks.
Good, now you know
what to do, Paparelli?
- Yeah, don't worry, Sarge.
- All right.
- Brass coming!
- Ten-shun!
And this General Wheeler
is our Motor Platoon,
Sgt. Bilko is in charge.
- Very clean barracks.
- Yes, yes.
Well, shall we go on
to the supply room?
- Certainly.
- Excuse me, Sir.
Isn't there gonna
be an inspection?
I mean the men
stayed up all night
getting their equipment
oiled up, everything polished.
They bathed, Sir.
Bilko, I'm sorry but
the General is satisfied
and so am I. now
the supply room...
Sir, excuse me, Sir.
But all the men wrote
home to their folks
and told them that
General Wheeler was going
to inspect them personally,
Sir. They'll be so disappointed.
Well, in that case, Sergeant,
I think I can spare
a few minutes.
Oh, thank you Sir. Ten-shun!
- Nice looking outfit.
- Thank you, Sir.
All right, get those chins
in, get those chests up high.
What is this Corporal?
Why do you have a loose grenade?
That could be very dangerous.
Fortunately I caught...
good heavens,
I pulled the pin,
we'll all be killed.
Don't move
General, I'll save you!
Bang!!
- Are you all right, soldier?
- Yes, Sir just a little heartburn.
Did you ever see
such bravery, Sir?
He saved his General, his
Colonel and his entire platoon.
That was mighty
quick thinking soldier,
smothering the grenade
with your helmet.
- Congratulations, Paparelli.
- Thank you, Sir.
I'm afraid I owe the Army
$1.80 for a new helmet.
Listen to him, Sir, worried
about Army equipment
and thinking nothing
of risking his own life.
Sir, would you believe
that a man as brave as this
is just an enlisted man.
This sort of heroism
won't go unrewarded.
Did you hear that, Paparelli,
you're on your way up?
Private, I'm putting you
in for a Soldier's Medal.
- A Soldier's Medal?
- Carry on, men.
Good work, son.
Sarge, I won a medal!
Oh shut up! You've
just begun to be brave.
I'll make you an
Officer if it kills you.
There he is, Mess Sgt. Ritzik,
the keeper of our taste buds.
What's for lunch today, Rupert?
You better get
out of here, Bilko.
The General is due here
any minute for inspection.
Oh, don't worry about it, pal.
- Something smells good, what is it?
- It's cupcakes.
Oh cupcakes, I can hardly wait.
Let's turn up the flame
so They'll be done quicker.
Hey you better stay away
from that Bilko, you'll burn 'em!
Oh, that's nonsense, Betty
Crocker only said the other day,
cupcakes should be
baked at 700 degrees.
- 700 degrees?
- Yes..Ten-shun!
And this is our
kitchen, General.
Sergeant Ritzik is in charge.
Bilko, what are you doing here?
Oh, Sir I was just
asking Sgt. Ritzik
to make us a hero
sandwich for our hero.
After all you do get hungry
when you risk your life, Sir.
- I smell something burning.
- Yes, so do I!
- Look, smoke!
- Fire! Fire!
We'll all be burnt to a crisp!
I've got to save my General!
Did you see that?
Not only did he save
his General again,
but he led a group
of panic stricken men
out of that blazing inferno.
They smell like
cupcakes burning to me.
But Sir, you must remember,
the Diamond Bakery Fire, Sir.
That started with just one
lady finger and then poof!
- The whole building, Sir.
- Are you all right, General?
Yes, thanks to you again.
Paparelli, that's twice in one
day you've saved the General.
That kinda courage is
only found in leaders.
Don't you agree, Sir?
I certainly do.
Colonel Hall, I want
you to add something
to that medal recommendation.
Steady, Dino! Steady!
I want Paparelli to
have a Soldier's medal
with an oak leaf cluster!
Lt. Paparelli... A cluster?
Shall we get on with
the inspection, Colonel?
Are you sure you
wanna go on, Sir?
I think I've had
enough for one day.
We'll continue in the morning.
Fine, as long as
you and Mrs. Wheeler
are staying with us all week.
We have plenty of time.
- Do we give up, Sarge?
- Nonsense!
Paparelli has just
begun to be brave.
But Sarge, a cluster.
George, did you hear that?
Yes, what could it be?
Get here, men.
What's the meaning of this?
Excuse me, General, we've
been following a mad bobcat,
broke loose, came
down from the hills.
We followed it into this room.
Don't scream lady.
The first thing it'll do
is go for your throat.
But what should we do?
Fortunately, Paparelli here
was raised in mad bobcat country.
If you'll all tip-toe
out of the room
and just leave me alone
with this mad bobcat.
Let's do that. What's that?
2 eyes under the bed.
All right, take big steps.
This way. Move! Move!
Oh look at the
fangs on that beast.
Careful Paparelli! Careful!
What's going on? Bilko,
what are you doing here?
Sir, there's a mad bobcat
loose in the General's room.
A mad bobcat? Call the M.P.s!
- Get some men with guns!
- No need for that, Colonel.
Paparelli's in there.
Yes Sir. Have you
seen the fangs?
Watch it, be careful!
Good heavens, it's over!
He's got him!
Paparelli has got him!
I got him, Sir.
He was perched
on top of the bureau.
As soon as you got
up for your breakfast,
he was gonna have his.
Run for your lives!
There's a mad bobcat loose!
It's all right! All
right Corporal!
This bobcat didn't
figure on Paparelli.
- Here.
- What a wild one!
Would you ladies like
to take a little look?
No, no!
George, this soldier
saved our lives.
It's the first time for you.
He's been saving mine all day.
Another cluster, Sir?
It's all right, I feel
so wrong about this.
A coward like me
outranks this gallant youth.
Well, you're not going to
outrank him anymore, Sergeant.
Paparelli, in view
of your heroism,
I'm going to see to it that
you get a commission.
But Sir, this is peacetime.
- He has to be a specialist.
- But Sir, excuse me he is.
You see down at the Motor Pool,
we call Paparelli the
Italian Henry Ford, Sir.
Then that's it.
From now on, he's
a Warrant Officer
in charge of the Motor Pool!
Oh thank you, Sir
and I assure you with
Warrant Officer
Paparelli at our head,
you'll see a new Motor Pool.
Come along Dino, I mean
Warrant Officer Papparelli!
Oh, Sir. I'm so happy!
Here we have..and the
lucky number is..15 black,
the house wins again.
Ten-shun! What's going on here?
We're playing roulette, Sir.
Roulette? Put $2
on the black for me!
Make room, make
room, we gotta get
some of this Officer's money.
How'd things go at
the staff meeting, Dino?
We're pulling a surprise
inspection tomorrow at noon!
At noon? I have my
bingo game at noon!
Oh use the gymnasium. I
reserved it for calisthenics.
He reserved it.
If I had more Officers
like this, I'd be a rich man.
The Officer has bet.
He's bet his little money,
here we go round
and round and round.
Come on black.
- You're betting on the black, Sir.
- That's right.
Well, we'll all
be rooting for you
because there's very few
Officers as kind and as gentle
to the men as you are, Sir.
And it's number 7, red.
The house wins again.
Sarge, could you
give me 5 on the cuff?
What was that stranger?
I don't believe we've met.
Okay, I'll go back
to the Officer's club.
Maybe I can get a
few from Capt. Barker.
You do that and here we go.
It can't always be me
men..make your bets.
Sometimes you win.
Don't always think
the house wins,
because we goes round
and round, and round,
and round and it's
number 5. You're all losers.
Brass coming!
Brass coming it must be
Paparelli who made a quick touch!
- Tenshun!
- And round...
And it stops at the
guard house, Bilko.
Would you like to
make a little bet, Sir?
All proceeds go to charity,
the Old Soldier's Home.
Luckily this old soldier
didn't stay at home.
He caught you red-handed.
Look at all these
gambling tables.
It looks like the
strip at Las Vegas.
Hey Sarge, I got
the... Colonel Hall,
what's going on here, gambling?
Under your very
nose, Mr. Paparelli.
I want you to confiscate
all this gambling equipment
and report to my office
first thing in the morning.
Yes, Sir.
Sarge, I'm scared.
What are you scared about?
He'll have you in his
office tomorrow morning.
He'll chew you out then you
come here and chew me out
then we get all through
chewing each other out,
the game'll be on again.
Goodnight Warrant
Officer Paparelli.
Goodnight, Sarge.
Mr. Paparelli I am shocked
at the Motor Platoon
since you became their Officer.
The Motor Pool looks
like the old car graveyard.
The only wheel turning on this
post is Bilko's roulette wheel.
- Yes, Sir.
- I'm surprised at you Paparelli.
You're not one of
Bilko's stooges anymore.
- You're an Officer!
- Yes Sir an Officer.
- And a gentleman.
- And a gentleman, Sir.
Do you know what
an Officer is Paparelli?
He's a leader.
He's an inspiration to his men.
He's a guiding force
that his men look up to
and respect and honour!
Yes, Sir. Respect and honour!
And to win that respect,
you've got to rule
them with an iron hand!
You've got to teach
them discipline.
Iron hand! Discipline!
Now what are you
gonna be Paparelli,
putty in Bilko's hands
or the rock of authority!
I'm gonna be the rock, Sir!
I'm gonna crack that whip!
- Let me at 'em, Sir.
- Go to it, Mr. Paparelli!
How about that rat, Paparelli?
Hey Sarge, what do
you think got into him?
The same old story,
the minute you give
an enlisted man a break,
the pigeon turns into a chicken.
- Ten-hut!
- What's the matter, Sergeant?
Don't you get up when an
Officer comes into the room?
- Look, Dino, I'm tired.
- Dino? Dino?
It's Mr. Paparelli and
don't you ever forget it.
Stand on your feet.
Look at this
barracks. It's a pigsty.
- Hello Dino.
- Put that man's name on report.
What are you all
standing around here?
Move! Move! Move!
Come on, how long
does this game go on?
Game?
This game, Sergeant,
will go on until
I reach the top, the Pentagon!
And don't you ever forget it!
Now I wanna see action! I
wanna see everybody moving!
- One rap!
- He flipped!
He flipped his Italian wig.
- Just one rap!
- Get me to my room Rocco.
- ..figure the
guy out. Little rat!
How about that, huh?
Paparelli in the Pentagon.
If word gets out of this, the
Russians become 8 to 5 favorites.
Boy, guess there's no
stopping Papparelli now, huh?
Oh yes, I'll stop him.
I made him. I'll destroy him.
I don't know. Maybe
he'll make a good Officer.
Are you out of your mind!
Do you know what it takes
to make a really good Officer?
Years of training,
Military Academies,
field experience, leadership,
what are Papparelli's
qualifications?
He saved a man from
a burning cupcake!
I'll break him myself.
How?
Paparelli wants
to be an Officer?
He likes to mingle
with Officers.
I'll see that he mingles
until he gets mangled.
How long is General Wheeler
and his wife gonna be here?
- Tonight's the last night.
- Tonight?
We've gotta work fast. Rocco!
- Yeah.
- Take down an invitation.
"To Warrant Officer
Dino Papparelli.
Dear Sir, you are
cordially invited
to a farewell masquerade
party I'm giving
General and Mrs. Wheeler at
my home tonight at 11:00 o'clock.
Please come in
costume, and above all
keep this top, top secret
as it is a surprise party.
Sincerely yours,
Colonel John T. Hall."
A surprise party?
Oh, and I imagine
everybody will be surprised
when Paparelli sneaks
into the Colonel's home
at 11:00 o'clock in his pyjamas!
In his pyjamas?
What makes you think
he'll come in his pyjamas?
It's a costume party, isn't it?
He has no costume, but
he will have in a short while
when he receives a gift
from his grateful platoon.
- A gift?
- My Chinese Mandarin pyjamas.
Get 'em out of the locker and
have Fender shorten the sleeves.
And Roc, see that
his bunk is ready.
I have an idea he'll
be back with us tonight.
Well, it's almost 11:00 o'clock.
I think I'll turn in too.
What time do you
think our husbands
will come back
from their meeting?
Well, you never
can tell about them.
I've left the door unlocked and
here's some food for sandwiches
in case they are hungry
and some cold beer.
Well, I'll see you
in the morning, Nell.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight, dear.
Sleep well.
Anybody here yet?
Oh boy, food!
Is that you?
- Where are you?
- In the bedroom!
I guess that's where
I'm supposed to hide.
Aaah!!
- What's going on here?
- A man came to my bedroom!
Don't worry,
ladies, it's only me.
- Paparelli!
- That's the man!
Oh, I think I'm gonna faint.
I'll get some brandy.
Here, have some beer.
- Paparelli!
- Surprise!
What on earth are
you doing, Paparelli?
What's he doing with
my wife in his pyjamas?
General, you weren't
supposed to know.
I'll kill him! I'll kill him!
Nell, you too?
What's going on here?
I don't know.
He broke into my
room in his pyjamas.
M.P.s! M.P.s!
Sir, we just happened
to be passing by,
is there anything wrong...?
He's in pyjamas.
They're all in pyjamas.
Sergeant, take this
man to the guard house.
There's going to be a
court martial tomorrow.
Excuse me, Sir. Do you
think that's advisable?
I mean the scandal, people
talking you know, pyjamas, beer.
- But I was invited!
- Shut up!
Anything you say will
be used against you.
You're right about
the court martial.
But I can't let this
man go unpunished.
Of course not, conduct
unbecoming an Officer.
By George, I wish he was
an enlisted man in my platoon
I'd know how to
deal with him, Sir!
You're right, Sergeant.
I made him a Warrant
Officer on the spot
and I can break him on the spot.
- But I was invited.
- Shut up!
Get him out of here Bilko
before the General
breaks me on the spot.
Well, get him out of here!
Gentlemen, gently.
Thank you, Sergeant,
for your trouble
and I trust you'll be discreet.
Sir, you can depend upon it.
Want some coffee,
Sarge? Don't ask, just pour.
Well, the General
and his wife are gone.
They leave today?
- Last night.
- Last night!
Oh, oh, watch this.
Come in!
Pvt. Paparelli reporting
for punishment.
Well, I should think so.
Do you realize what you
did last night, Paparelli?
No, Sarge all I know is
the Colonel and the General
are a bunch of party poopers.
What are you gonna
to do to me, Sarge?
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna welcome
you back to the platoon.
It's good to have
you with us again.
It's good to be back again,
Sarge, only promise me one thing.
What's that?
You'll never make
me an Officer again.
Paparelli, I won't
even make you a PFC.
Now get out of here
and behave yourself.
Thanks, Sarge.
- Hey Sarge.
- What?
- The bad news just arrived.
- The new Lieutenant?
Yeah, fresh from OCS.
He gave 3 guys KP just on
his way over from the station.
- Here we go again.
- All right, let's not panic.
Dino, bring back my Chinese
pyjamas..I'm gonna need 'em.
- How big was this guy?
- He was taller than you are.
Better hang around, Fender.
I want you to let
out the sleeves.
Rocco, take down an invitation,
"My dear Lieutenant,
welcome to Camp Fremont,
would you join us in
a surprise bikini party,
I'm giving my wife at
my home at midnight?"
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were;
John Alexander as Gen. Wheeler.
Madeline Clive as Mrs. Wheeler.
David Metcalf as Lt. Blake.
Hope Sansberry as Mrs. Hall.
And Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.
Trailers.to: Watch Full HD Movies & TV Shows
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stand there like a dummy.
Get the engine turnin' over.
This is a Motor Pool
not the Country Club...
Listen to that activity in
the Motor Pool, Col. Hall.
What do you think of
your Sgt. Bilko now?
You've worked wonders Lt. Blake.
You've certainly had
Bilko towing the mark.
I know the men don't like
me, because of the way
I've been driving them,
but I do get results.
Amazing! Just amazing!
Well, shall we get on
with the inspection?
Wait, I wanna
hear a little more.
Bilko working, it's so pretty!
All right, all right
fellas, are you listening?
- Oh Fender.
- Beats me.
- Okay, I see you Mullen.
- What have you got?
A pair of ladies, Queens.
No good, I got their
husbands, Kings.
Sorry, next time.
No wonder I can't win,
with that tape recorder
pounding in my ears.
Can't we shut it down?
Really, Mullen, you get
so touchy when you lose.
All right Doberman,
turn it down just a little.
All right here we go.
Ante up, dollar ante.
- What is that?
- I don't know.
Nobody can work that fast.
Can't you do anything, Doberman?
You turned the wrong knob.
- There that's much better.
- But it's not good enough, Bilko!
- Ten-shun!
- What's the meaning of this, Bilko?
Sir, it's a new idea of mine
Sir, stereophonic camouflage.
Yes, Sir. It's a military decoy.
You see we pipe
into the enemy lines,
they think we're over here
but actually, we're over there.
- Did it fool you, Sir?
- It certainly did.
I thought you were working.
Oh, did you hear that fellows?
It fooled them. It's a success.
Oh Sir, how soon can we
show it to the Pentagon?
Oh, in about a year.
That's how long you'll
be in the guard house.
The guard house, Sir?
For conducting a
military experiment, Sir?
Experiment! I'll
tell you what it is.
It's goofing off in Hi-Fi.
I'm going to throw
the book at you, Bilko!
Please, Sir I think
I know the kind of
discipline these men understand.
You're right, Lieutenant, be
rough on us, we deserve it.
Take away our movie
privileges for the weekend.
Bilko, by the time I'm through
with you and your platoon,
latrine duty's gonna
seem like a furlough.
I don't wanna hear what
you're going to do Lieutenant.
- I'd rather be surprised.
- Okay, Bilko.
First you're going
out to the drill field
with full field
equipment and march
until you can't walk anymore.
And when you can't walk anymore,
you'll crawl over
the obstacle course
and that'll leave the
rest of the weekend free.
Free, Sir?
Yes, free to pick up every
piece of trash on the entire post,
and you can start with
that one right there.
What's that?
That one right there, Sir,
I'll start with that one, Sir.
Oh my back. My
back is killing me.
- Oh, oh.
- I gotta sit down.
Sarge, you can stop
picking up now and stand up.
We're in the barracks.
I stopped a half hour
ago. Who can stand up?
Get me up outta here, will ya?
Ah, ah, ooh, ooh.
- Ah.
- Easy.
Ah, ah, oh boy it's good
to see your faces again.
I thought I was gonna have
to look at your shoe tops
for the rest of my life.
Let me sit down
a little, will ya?
Sarge, that Lt.
Blake is for the birds.
What do you want from me?
I tell you I had it better
when I was a prisoner of war.
Hey Sarge, how are we
gonna get rid of this guy Blake?
What do you want from
me? I'm sore all over.
Hey, Sarge, I've got an idea.
How about a hunger strike?
We don't touch food and
water until he lets up on us?
- How about that, Sarge?
- Hey, that's not a bad idea.
We'll put it to a vote.
All those in favour of a
hunger strike say aye!
- Aye!
- I surrender!
I forgot about the
mouth... It's off.
- Tenshun!
- At ease!
Oh thank you, Sir. Thank you.
Bilko, I'll need a
jeep immediately.
Jeep Sir, at this
time of the night, Sir?
- Please Sir, don't do it.
- Don't do what?
Don't chase us around
the obstacle course, Sir.
What are you talking about? I
want you to drive to the airport.
- I gotta catch a plane.
- A plane, Sir?
Yes, for Germany, I've
been transferred overseas.
Would you mind
repeating that, Sir?
My heart was beating so loudly,
I couldn't hear what you said?
I'm being transferred
to Germany, Bilko.
- I'm leaving Camp Fremont.
- Hip, hip!
Hip, hip, he hurt his
hip on the hike, Sir.
Germany, Sir, ach du
lieber, that's good news.
I mean for the boys
over there to get such a...
such a... I know there's
a word for you, Sir.
It's right on the
tip of my tongue.
Oh, you're not
fooling anyone, Bilko.
- You're delighted to see me go.
- Really?
But don't think you're
in for a good time, Bilko.
I've written
complete instructions
for whatever Officer
is to replace me.
So you're not going to
get away with a thing.
No, Sir.
Well, I've got to
get to the airport.
Gomez, what are
you standing there for?
The Lt. has to get to Germany!
- Hurry up!
- Thank you, Bilko.
- Well, goodbye.
- Hail!
- Oh goodbye, Sir.
- Now, Sarge?
Now! Now!
- Hip! Hip!
- Hooray!
At last the war is over!
Break it off. Come
on, get some sleep.
Tomorrow bingo starts
early in the morning.
- Get me to my room will you.
- Yes, Sarge.
Oh boy, I thought
we'd never see him go.
- Boy, what a break!
- Take it easy, Sarge.
All right, just relax. Oh.
Here you go. Ah!
Happy days are here again.
Should I set your alarm clock
for lunch or dinner, Sarge?
Make it for dinner.
We might as well
enjoy this while we can.
- What do you mean?
- This freedom is just temporary.
In another week, the
new Officer comes,
he reads Bilko's Confidential,
and it's back to the chain gang.
Yeah, I guess
you're right, Sarge.
Maybe the next officer we
get will be a nice sweet guy.
Those are the very words
that Dr. Frankenstein used,
and then the monster walked in.
- I guess there's no way out.
- There's gotta be a way.
Wouldn't it be nice if they
let us pick our own Officer?
Stop dreaming, Hensh, the
guy we want is not wearing bars.
He's behind bars.
Unless... unless? Unless?
Unless we make our own Officer.
Of course we've been
leaving this chance too long
that's what we need.
A loyal upstanding
Officer who will do
anything we want him to do.
That's crazy, Ernie!
Where would we
find a man like that?
In my platoon sleeping on
those barracks is our next Officer.
Come on, the
talent search is on.
Fender, Fender!
Wake up! Wake up!
What? What? Who is it?
It's all right, it's me, Ernie.
Sam, you've gotta
do me a favour.
You've got good handwriting.
Will you forge the Colonel's
name on a 3-day pass for me?
Are you nuts? What do
you think I am, a crook?
Shh, all right, take
his name off the list.
All right, go back to sleep.
Zimmerman! Zimmerman! Wake up.
What's the matter, is
he back from Germany?
No, no, take it easy.
Look Zimmerman, first
thing tomorrow morning,
I want you to take
the Colonel's staff car.
Go into town to a
Used Car Dealer
and see what you
can get for the car.
Will you do that for me?
Get out of here! I'm
not gonna be a car thief!
You're not gonna
be an Officer either.
Take his name off the list.
- Go back to sleep.
- Sarge, that's 2 down.
Don't think it
doesn't hurt to find
2 honest men on the platoon.
Mullen, Mullen!
Wake up! Wake up!
What do you want, Sarge?
Mullen, you gotta help me out
I got a case full of hot watches.
I want you to hide
'em in your foot locker,
you're in for half the take.
How about it?
You're backing up
the wrong tree, Sarge.
I don't go for
that kind of stuff.
Shows you how wrong he can be.
Him I would have
bet on shows you
you can't go by
a dishonest face.
All right back to sleep.
- Dino! Dino!
- Leave me alone, I wanna sleep.
Come on, look,
look take it easy.
Paparelli, look you've
gotta help me out of a jam.
There's a letter on
the Colonel's desk.
I want you to rip it open
and see what's in the letter.
- Will you do that?
- Are you crazy, Sarge?
- Oh forget it, Dino.
- I'll steam it open!
My boy! My boy!
You wanna hide 'em in
my foot locker, Sarge?
- Hide what?
- The hot watches!
After I take the Colonel's
car to the Used Car Dealer,
I can forge your
signature on the passes.
Gentlemen, this is what
I call Officer's material.
Sarge, I don't
wanna be an Officer.
Nobody'll like me anymore.
What are you talking
about? We'll all like you.
We'll love you.
But why do I have to
become an Officer, Sarge?
Dino, do you wanna see the
end of our beautiful way of life?
Would you wanna see the
destruction of our four freedoms,
bingo, poker,
roulette, dice, huh?
Huh?
You want them to take
these things away from us?
- But why me, Sarge?
- Why Nathan Hale?
Somebody has to
make the sacrifice.
Besides Dino, don't think
of yourself as an Officer.
Think of yourself as
our little stool pigeon.
Oh, well, that's
different, Sarge.
Roc, did you get the application
for Officers Training School?
I'm sorry, Sarge, the
quota's all filled up.
There won't be an
opening for year.
A year! A year without gambling!
What am I supposed
to live off-my Army pay?
Gee, Ernie, what
are we gonna do?
Hey, Sarge, maybe if I
forged the Colonel's name
on the application blank.
What a shame? He'd
have made a fine Officer.
Hey Sarge just got an order
to stand by for inspection.
Leave me alone with
inspections. I got my own problems.
You better get ready for this
one, its big brass, General Wheeler!
Look, I'm not worried
about General Wheeler.
I'm worried about Lieutenant.
Paparelli, that's what...
General Wheeler, wait a
minute. That's it, a General!
You're gonna make
me a General, Sarge?
No, but General Wheeler is gonna
help us make you a Lieutenant.
How?
Remember that Sgt. Brophy
in Okinawa during the war?
Yeah, he captured 28
prisoners single-handed.
Right and the General made
him a Lieutenant right on the spot.
But that was during the war.
So what? It's the same thing.
We're at war again.
It's us against the Army.
Have the platoon stand by
for Combat Inspection at 0900.
There's a General coming, I
want everything spic and span.
Right, Sarge.
Gentlemen, that General
Wheeler is about to meet
the bravest soldier
in peacetime history.
All right now, look alive.
There's gonna be an
inspection. The General's coming.
I want everything
shipshape! Roc, come here.
Paparelli, everything all set?
I got the phony
grenade right here.
Now it will go off, but it's
only loaded with blanks.
Good, now you know
what to do, Paparelli?
- Yeah, don't worry, Sarge.
- All right.
- Brass coming!
- Ten-shun!
And this General Wheeler
is our Motor Platoon,
Sgt. Bilko is in charge.
- Very clean barracks.
- Yes, yes.
Well, shall we go on
to the supply room?
- Certainly.
- Excuse me, Sir.
Isn't there gonna
be an inspection?
I mean the men
stayed up all night
getting their equipment
oiled up, everything polished.
They bathed, Sir.
Bilko, I'm sorry but
the General is satisfied
and so am I. now
the supply room...
Sir, excuse me, Sir.
But all the men wrote
home to their folks
and told them that
General Wheeler was going
to inspect them personally,
Sir. They'll be so disappointed.
Well, in that case, Sergeant,
I think I can spare
a few minutes.
Oh, thank you Sir. Ten-shun!
- Nice looking outfit.
- Thank you, Sir.
All right, get those chins
in, get those chests up high.
What is this Corporal?
Why do you have a loose grenade?
That could be very dangerous.
Fortunately I caught...
good heavens,
I pulled the pin,
we'll all be killed.
Don't move
General, I'll save you!
Bang!!
- Are you all right, soldier?
- Yes, Sir just a little heartburn.
Did you ever see
such bravery, Sir?
He saved his General, his
Colonel and his entire platoon.
That was mighty
quick thinking soldier,
smothering the grenade
with your helmet.
- Congratulations, Paparelli.
- Thank you, Sir.
I'm afraid I owe the Army
$1.80 for a new helmet.
Listen to him, Sir, worried
about Army equipment
and thinking nothing
of risking his own life.
Sir, would you believe
that a man as brave as this
is just an enlisted man.
This sort of heroism
won't go unrewarded.
Did you hear that, Paparelli,
you're on your way up?
Private, I'm putting you
in for a Soldier's Medal.
- A Soldier's Medal?
- Carry on, men.
Good work, son.
Sarge, I won a medal!
Oh shut up! You've
just begun to be brave.
I'll make you an
Officer if it kills you.
There he is, Mess Sgt. Ritzik,
the keeper of our taste buds.
What's for lunch today, Rupert?
You better get
out of here, Bilko.
The General is due here
any minute for inspection.
Oh, don't worry about it, pal.
- Something smells good, what is it?
- It's cupcakes.
Oh cupcakes, I can hardly wait.
Let's turn up the flame
so They'll be done quicker.
Hey you better stay away
from that Bilko, you'll burn 'em!
Oh, that's nonsense, Betty
Crocker only said the other day,
cupcakes should be
baked at 700 degrees.
- 700 degrees?
- Yes..Ten-shun!
And this is our
kitchen, General.
Sergeant Ritzik is in charge.
Bilko, what are you doing here?
Oh, Sir I was just
asking Sgt. Ritzik
to make us a hero
sandwich for our hero.
After all you do get hungry
when you risk your life, Sir.
- I smell something burning.
- Yes, so do I!
- Look, smoke!
- Fire! Fire!
We'll all be burnt to a crisp!
I've got to save my General!
Did you see that?
Not only did he save
his General again,
but he led a group
of panic stricken men
out of that blazing inferno.
They smell like
cupcakes burning to me.
But Sir, you must remember,
the Diamond Bakery Fire, Sir.
That started with just one
lady finger and then poof!
- The whole building, Sir.
- Are you all right, General?
Yes, thanks to you again.
Paparelli, that's twice in one
day you've saved the General.
That kinda courage is
only found in leaders.
Don't you agree, Sir?
I certainly do.
Colonel Hall, I want
you to add something
to that medal recommendation.
Steady, Dino! Steady!
I want Paparelli to
have a Soldier's medal
with an oak leaf cluster!
Lt. Paparelli... A cluster?
Shall we get on with
the inspection, Colonel?
Are you sure you
wanna go on, Sir?
I think I've had
enough for one day.
We'll continue in the morning.
Fine, as long as
you and Mrs. Wheeler
are staying with us all week.
We have plenty of time.
- Do we give up, Sarge?
- Nonsense!
Paparelli has just
begun to be brave.
But Sarge, a cluster.
George, did you hear that?
Yes, what could it be?
Get here, men.
What's the meaning of this?
Excuse me, General, we've
been following a mad bobcat,
broke loose, came
down from the hills.
We followed it into this room.
Don't scream lady.
The first thing it'll do
is go for your throat.
But what should we do?
Fortunately, Paparelli here
was raised in mad bobcat country.
If you'll all tip-toe
out of the room
and just leave me alone
with this mad bobcat.
Let's do that. What's that?
2 eyes under the bed.
All right, take big steps.
This way. Move! Move!
Oh look at the
fangs on that beast.
Careful Paparelli! Careful!
What's going on? Bilko,
what are you doing here?
Sir, there's a mad bobcat
loose in the General's room.
A mad bobcat? Call the M.P.s!
- Get some men with guns!
- No need for that, Colonel.
Paparelli's in there.
Yes Sir. Have you
seen the fangs?
Watch it, be careful!
Good heavens, it's over!
He's got him!
Paparelli has got him!
I got him, Sir.
He was perched
on top of the bureau.
As soon as you got
up for your breakfast,
he was gonna have his.
Run for your lives!
There's a mad bobcat loose!
It's all right! All
right Corporal!
This bobcat didn't
figure on Paparelli.
- Here.
- What a wild one!
Would you ladies like
to take a little look?
No, no!
George, this soldier
saved our lives.
It's the first time for you.
He's been saving mine all day.
Another cluster, Sir?
It's all right, I feel
so wrong about this.
A coward like me
outranks this gallant youth.
Well, you're not going to
outrank him anymore, Sergeant.
Paparelli, in view
of your heroism,
I'm going to see to it that
you get a commission.
But Sir, this is peacetime.
- He has to be a specialist.
- But Sir, excuse me he is.
You see down at the Motor Pool,
we call Paparelli the
Italian Henry Ford, Sir.
Then that's it.
From now on, he's
a Warrant Officer
in charge of the Motor Pool!
Oh thank you, Sir
and I assure you with
Warrant Officer
Paparelli at our head,
you'll see a new Motor Pool.
Come along Dino, I mean
Warrant Officer Papparelli!
Oh, Sir. I'm so happy!
Here we have..and the
lucky number is..15 black,
the house wins again.
Ten-shun! What's going on here?
We're playing roulette, Sir.
Roulette? Put $2
on the black for me!
Make room, make
room, we gotta get
some of this Officer's money.
How'd things go at
the staff meeting, Dino?
We're pulling a surprise
inspection tomorrow at noon!
At noon? I have my
bingo game at noon!
Oh use the gymnasium. I
reserved it for calisthenics.
He reserved it.
If I had more Officers
like this, I'd be a rich man.
The Officer has bet.
He's bet his little money,
here we go round
and round and round.
Come on black.
- You're betting on the black, Sir.
- That's right.
Well, we'll all
be rooting for you
because there's very few
Officers as kind and as gentle
to the men as you are, Sir.
And it's number 7, red.
The house wins again.
Sarge, could you
give me 5 on the cuff?
What was that stranger?
I don't believe we've met.
Okay, I'll go back
to the Officer's club.
Maybe I can get a
few from Capt. Barker.
You do that and here we go.
It can't always be me
men..make your bets.
Sometimes you win.
Don't always think
the house wins,
because we goes round
and round, and round,
and round and it's
number 5. You're all losers.
Brass coming!
Brass coming it must be
Paparelli who made a quick touch!
- Tenshun!
- And round...
And it stops at the
guard house, Bilko.
Would you like to
make a little bet, Sir?
All proceeds go to charity,
the Old Soldier's Home.
Luckily this old soldier
didn't stay at home.
He caught you red-handed.
Look at all these
gambling tables.
It looks like the
strip at Las Vegas.
Hey Sarge, I got
the... Colonel Hall,
what's going on here, gambling?
Under your very
nose, Mr. Paparelli.
I want you to confiscate
all this gambling equipment
and report to my office
first thing in the morning.
Yes, Sir.
Sarge, I'm scared.
What are you scared about?
He'll have you in his
office tomorrow morning.
He'll chew you out then you
come here and chew me out
then we get all through
chewing each other out,
the game'll be on again.
Goodnight Warrant
Officer Paparelli.
Goodnight, Sarge.
Mr. Paparelli I am shocked
at the Motor Platoon
since you became their Officer.
The Motor Pool looks
like the old car graveyard.
The only wheel turning on this
post is Bilko's roulette wheel.
- Yes, Sir.
- I'm surprised at you Paparelli.
You're not one of
Bilko's stooges anymore.
- You're an Officer!
- Yes Sir an Officer.
- And a gentleman.
- And a gentleman, Sir.
Do you know what
an Officer is Paparelli?
He's a leader.
He's an inspiration to his men.
He's a guiding force
that his men look up to
and respect and honour!
Yes, Sir. Respect and honour!
And to win that respect,
you've got to rule
them with an iron hand!
You've got to teach
them discipline.
Iron hand! Discipline!
Now what are you
gonna be Paparelli,
putty in Bilko's hands
or the rock of authority!
I'm gonna be the rock, Sir!
I'm gonna crack that whip!
- Let me at 'em, Sir.
- Go to it, Mr. Paparelli!
How about that rat, Paparelli?
Hey Sarge, what do
you think got into him?
The same old story,
the minute you give
an enlisted man a break,
the pigeon turns into a chicken.
- Ten-hut!
- What's the matter, Sergeant?
Don't you get up when an
Officer comes into the room?
- Look, Dino, I'm tired.
- Dino? Dino?
It's Mr. Paparelli and
don't you ever forget it.
Stand on your feet.
Look at this
barracks. It's a pigsty.
- Hello Dino.
- Put that man's name on report.
What are you all
standing around here?
Move! Move! Move!
Come on, how long
does this game go on?
Game?
This game, Sergeant,
will go on until
I reach the top, the Pentagon!
And don't you ever forget it!
Now I wanna see action! I
wanna see everybody moving!
- One rap!
- He flipped!
He flipped his Italian wig.
- Just one rap!
- Get me to my room Rocco.
- ..figure the
guy out. Little rat!
How about that, huh?
Paparelli in the Pentagon.
If word gets out of this, the
Russians become 8 to 5 favorites.
Boy, guess there's no
stopping Papparelli now, huh?
Oh yes, I'll stop him.
I made him. I'll destroy him.
I don't know. Maybe
he'll make a good Officer.
Are you out of your mind!
Do you know what it takes
to make a really good Officer?
Years of training,
Military Academies,
field experience, leadership,
what are Papparelli's
qualifications?
He saved a man from
a burning cupcake!
I'll break him myself.
How?
Paparelli wants
to be an Officer?
He likes to mingle
with Officers.
I'll see that he mingles
until he gets mangled.
How long is General Wheeler
and his wife gonna be here?
- Tonight's the last night.
- Tonight?
We've gotta work fast. Rocco!
- Yeah.
- Take down an invitation.
"To Warrant Officer
Dino Papparelli.
Dear Sir, you are
cordially invited
to a farewell masquerade
party I'm giving
General and Mrs. Wheeler at
my home tonight at 11:00 o'clock.
Please come in
costume, and above all
keep this top, top secret
as it is a surprise party.
Sincerely yours,
Colonel John T. Hall."
A surprise party?
Oh, and I imagine
everybody will be surprised
when Paparelli sneaks
into the Colonel's home
at 11:00 o'clock in his pyjamas!
In his pyjamas?
What makes you think
he'll come in his pyjamas?
It's a costume party, isn't it?
He has no costume, but
he will have in a short while
when he receives a gift
from his grateful platoon.
- A gift?
- My Chinese Mandarin pyjamas.
Get 'em out of the locker and
have Fender shorten the sleeves.
And Roc, see that
his bunk is ready.
I have an idea he'll
be back with us tonight.
Well, it's almost 11:00 o'clock.
I think I'll turn in too.
What time do you
think our husbands
will come back
from their meeting?
Well, you never
can tell about them.
I've left the door unlocked and
here's some food for sandwiches
in case they are hungry
and some cold beer.
Well, I'll see you
in the morning, Nell.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight, dear.
Sleep well.
Anybody here yet?
Oh boy, food!
Is that you?
- Where are you?
- In the bedroom!
I guess that's where
I'm supposed to hide.
Aaah!!
- What's going on here?
- A man came to my bedroom!
Don't worry,
ladies, it's only me.
- Paparelli!
- That's the man!
Oh, I think I'm gonna faint.
I'll get some brandy.
Here, have some beer.
- Paparelli!
- Surprise!
What on earth are
you doing, Paparelli?
What's he doing with
my wife in his pyjamas?
General, you weren't
supposed to know.
I'll kill him! I'll kill him!
Nell, you too?
What's going on here?
I don't know.
He broke into my
room in his pyjamas.
M.P.s! M.P.s!
Sir, we just happened
to be passing by,
is there anything wrong...?
He's in pyjamas.
They're all in pyjamas.
Sergeant, take this
man to the guard house.
There's going to be a
court martial tomorrow.
Excuse me, Sir. Do you
think that's advisable?
I mean the scandal, people
talking you know, pyjamas, beer.
- But I was invited!
- Shut up!
Anything you say will
be used against you.
You're right about
the court martial.
But I can't let this
man go unpunished.
Of course not, conduct
unbecoming an Officer.
By George, I wish he was
an enlisted man in my platoon
I'd know how to
deal with him, Sir!
You're right, Sergeant.
I made him a Warrant
Officer on the spot
and I can break him on the spot.
- But I was invited.
- Shut up!
Get him out of here Bilko
before the General
breaks me on the spot.
Well, get him out of here!
Gentlemen, gently.
Thank you, Sergeant,
for your trouble
and I trust you'll be discreet.
Sir, you can depend upon it.
Want some coffee,
Sarge? Don't ask, just pour.
Well, the General
and his wife are gone.
They leave today?
- Last night.
- Last night!
Oh, oh, watch this.
Come in!
Pvt. Paparelli reporting
for punishment.
Well, I should think so.
Do you realize what you
did last night, Paparelli?
No, Sarge all I know is
the Colonel and the General
are a bunch of party poopers.
What are you gonna
to do to me, Sarge?
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna welcome
you back to the platoon.
It's good to have
you with us again.
It's good to be back again,
Sarge, only promise me one thing.
What's that?
You'll never make
me an Officer again.
Paparelli, I won't
even make you a PFC.
Now get out of here
and behave yourself.
Thanks, Sarge.
- Hey Sarge.
- What?
- The bad news just arrived.
- The new Lieutenant?
Yeah, fresh from OCS.
He gave 3 guys KP just on
his way over from the station.
- Here we go again.
- All right, let's not panic.
Dino, bring back my Chinese
pyjamas..I'm gonna need 'em.
- How big was this guy?
- He was taller than you are.
Better hang around, Fender.
I want you to let
out the sleeves.
Rocco, take down an invitation,
"My dear Lieutenant,
welcome to Camp Fremont,
would you join us in
a surprise bikini party,
I'm giving my wife at
my home at midnight?"
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were;
John Alexander as Gen. Wheeler.
Madeline Clive as Mrs. Wheeler.
David Metcalf as Lt. Blake.
Hope Sansberry as Mrs. Hall.
And Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.
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