The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 4, Episode 29 - Ritzik Goes Civilian - full transcript

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- Can I go home now, Bilko?
- Are you kidding?

If you walk in there
now she'll kill you.

So let her kill me
and get it over with.

I can still get a
few hours of sleep.

What's she doing now, Hensh?

She's walking up and
down muttering to herself.

You don't know Emma,
she's not muttering.

She's just revving up her mouth.

- Sarge.
- What?

I don't think she's
planning on going to sleep.



What time is it?

You tell me, I lost my
wristwatch in that last pot.

It's quarter to 4:00.

Well, we just have
to brazen it out.

Go on, unroll the
stretcher. On the double!

Gee, Emma warned me
this was my last chance.

Maybe I better sleep
in the Mess Hall tonight.

Nothing doing, I promised
I'd get you home safely.

Thanks, you're a real pal.

You've seen me through every
jam that you ever got me into.

Now you're gonna blame me huh?
You went broke at 12:00 o'clock.

You could have gone home then.

But no, you were greedy.
You had to lose more.

What's the difference?



It's all academic now in
the face of certain death.

Oh stop, will you?
Emma is nothing to me.

I can wrap her
around my little finger.

I'd feel safe if you could
wrap her around a lamp post.

This is it boys. We're going in.

You lie down. Put
the blanket over.

Let me hold the hat.

Who's there?

Emma, it's me Ernie Bilko.

I have Rupert with me,
open the door please.

Just a moment.

Emma!

Don't, please.

Please try to remember if we
wouldn't have brought him home,

if the Doctor didn't
say it was all right.

Be calm dear.

Bring him in boys,
gently, oh so gently.

Gently boys!

What are you
trying to pull, Bilko?

Ssh, Emma, you must
have rest and quiet.

Henshaw, Rocco,
boil me some water.

Boil a lot of water.

Oh don't tell me, let me guess,
I suppose he's having a baby.

Emma, don't get hysterical dear.

The jeep just hit him a glancing
blow which was very fortunate.

However, by every
rule in the medical book,

he should still be in the hospital,
but he begged the Doctor.

He pleaded, he said, I want
to be with my beloved wife.

Emma, believe me, it's
the first time I ever saw

a hardened Doctor
break down and cry.

Let me talk to him.
All right, but be brief.

Of course he must
have rest and quiet.

Rupert, Rupert,
are you conscious?

Can you hear me?

Rupert, it's your
beloved wife Emma.

- Hello, sweetheart.
- No, over here.

You see his co-ordination
is gone really.

The optic nerves
have been affected.

We may have to take
him to Vienna for surgery.

Rupert, Sgt. Bilko
told me the whole story.

That's good.

No, it's not good. Do
you think I believe that?

Grab her! Grab her!
Emma, listen to me.

No, I will not listen to you,
I'm through listening to you.

I've had about as much
of this as I can stand.

I am gonna fix it
once, and for all

so you can't get your sticky
fingers on our money ever again.

Emma, Emma, please you're
gonna wake the whole camp.

Good it's time they woke up,
a member of the Armed Forces

being taken here
every single day.

Wake up America!
Wake up America!

Emma, cut it out!

If you try to stop me,
I'm gonna scream.

- John, what was that?
- I don't know.

Give me the Corporal of Guard.

I never heard such a
scream. It sounded inhuman.

Corporal, what was that?

Oh, you were right, dear.
It was Sgt. Ritzik's wife.

Oh dear, she was
evidently having a nightmare.

- What a coincidence?
- What do you mean, dear?

I was just dreaming about Bilko.

Gently, gently! Please gently.

Hold it. This is all right.

Just gently. All
right, all right!

- Wow.
- Hey Sarge, how is your head?

- It will be all right.
- Boy, you were lucky, Ernie.

That vase just hit
you a glancing blow.

I'm not worried about
the vase it was that voice,

That screaming she sounded
like a wounded air-raid siren.

Ernie, do you think
Emma meant it

about making Ritzik
leave the Army?

What are you kidding, what
would he do in civilian life?

- Well, he could be a chef.
- Oh stop, he ain't got a chance.

- What do you mean?
- What do I mean?

There's a law on the outside.

You can get arrested
for his kinda cooking.

It's what I mean.

Yeah, but I never
seen Emma so mad.

I think maybe she
means it this time.

Yeah, Ernie it
might be a good idea

if you gave Ritzik back
half of what you won.

Give back the money?
Give back the money!

What kinda remark is that to
make just before I fall asleep?

- Forget I said it.
- No, no, he's right Ernie.

Maybe then you can
make Emma shut up.

Sure and what difference
would it make Sarge?

You'll win it back the
next time you play.

All right, will you
stop grizzering me?

I'll give him back the money
first thing tomorrow morning.

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight, Sarge.

Give back the money.

Rupert where are
you Rupert Ritzik?

Christmas came early this year.

Come and get it, Rupert.

Got me acting like
a nut, where is he?

He should be here, it's
almost time for noon chow.

Maybe he's in the hospital.

What are you talking about?

Emma is good, but
she don't hit that hard.

Hi fellas, what
can I do for you?

- Who are you?
- I'm Logan.

- I'm the new Mess Sergeant.
- Mess Sergeant?

What happened
to Mess Sgt. Ritzik?

Who? Oh, Ritzik,
ain't you heard?

He's getting out today.

Out? What do you mean out?

Well, that's what I
heard. He's going civilian.

Oh you're nuts.

He's got another month
to go before his hitch is up.

No, the Colonel
expedited his discharge,

Ritzik and the missus
are home packing now.

They're home pack...
Maybe we're not too late.

Come on let's get over there...

- Rupert?
- Hi Bilko.

Hey what is all this nonsense
with the civilian clothes?

What are you up to?

This is it, I'm
checking out, Bilko.

- Checking out?
- Emma, huh?

Yeah, after you left
she really carried on.

The tears were flowing till
6:00 o'clock in the morning.

I can see your eyes
are still red and swollen.

- Look, maybe if I talked to her.
- It wouldn't help.

Emma has already
made up my mind.

Look, you've been
in the Army 16 years.

It's your home another 4
years you got your pension.

Emma says it won't
make any difference.

You'd probably
wind up with that too.

Look, I'm getting sick and tired
of Emma and her insinuations.

She didn't insinuate she came
right out and called you a crook.

Do you like this?

Look, it's my fault
but I'll make it up to.

I mean you don't wanna
walk out on the Army.

This is your home.
This is your way of life.

Emma says I can
start a new life.

What will you do?
Where will you go?

Emma has got plans.

Plans? What kinda plans?

I'm sorry Bilko I can't
tell you, Emma's orders.

I'm not even supposed
to say goodbye to you.

Am I trying? You see me trying.

Hey Logan, cook
good for these guys.

- They're a swell bunch of folks.
- You leave it to me Ritzik.

Hey pal, you got a lot to learn.

Easy with that stirring,
you'll bruise the chipped beef.

Here, gently, so.

Oh sure, I get it.

Well, so long kitchen.
I'll be seeing ya around.

Look at this, what does he want?

I spent 16 years
in this kitchen.

I don't know where to go now.

Oh, wait a minute, don't
cry. I'll talk to the Colonel.

Leave him alone, Bilko,
he's through listening to you.

- Emma...
- Rupert's leaving this Army

in an old suit of clothes
without a cent in his pocket.

Men have left Alcatraz
with more than that.

Oh you're being very
hasty Emma, let's talk.

Look, you know what they say,
act in haste repent at leisure.

What haste, I've been trying to
get away from you since we met.

Well, you just did it.

You hurt me pretty... Rupert,
we're old buddies stop...

Not a word, Rupert don't
you dare say one word to him

and let's get moving it's a
long walk to the railroad station.

This kitchen...

- Hey Ernie, what about the money?
- What money?

We came down here
to give Rupert back

some of the money he lost.

Oh, my buddy is
leaving the Army,

you talk to me about money.

Will you leave me
alone? Leave me alone!

Where is everybody, the
game is set for 9:00 o'clock.

- It's after 9:00, where are they?
- How should I know?

What do I got a crystal
ball or something?

Hey, what's with you, why are
you so testy all of a sudden for?

- Nothing! Nothing!
- Well, where are they?

- They're not coming, Bilko.
- They're not coming, why not?

Coogan says he's got a date,
Pendleton says he's got a headache

and Grover says
you should drop dead.

I don't get this
Friday night is always

poker night at Camp Fremont.
- Things change, Bilko.

What am I supposed
to do, play solitaire?

That's up to you, Sarge.

Hey Roc, how about you
and me taking in a movie?

- Sure, it'll be a pleasure.
- Hey what is this?

Wait a minute, what
have I got leprosy?

- Why the big freeze?
- You know why Ernie.

Hmm, Ritzik, you're gonna
blame that on me, huh?

I forced him out of the Army.

Go on say it! Say it!

Well, yes.

Hensh, how could you
say a thing like that?

- Because it's true.
- All right, but don't rub it in.

You guys know I tried didn't
I try to straighten him out.

- You saw me.
- But not hard enough!

What's gonna happen
to Rupert on the outside?

He's not very bright,
and thanks to you

they haven't got a quarter.

Yeah, not even a pension!

What do you want me to do? What?

Look, let's face it, Ernie.

The way you operate,
the whole gang

are gonna wind up broken
down bums, all except you.

Aah, let's get outta here!

Go ahead, go on you're
not hurting my feelings.

Walk out on me.
I don't need you.

I never depended upon
you in the first place.

I tried to straighten
him out, didn't?

- My conscious is clear.
- Is it, Bilko?

- I tried, didn't I?
- How hard did you try?

- Well, I... I tried... I...
- Stop kidding yourself, Bilko.

Henshaw is right, the whole gang

will wind up broken
down bums except you.

Mister, mister, can
you spare a quarter?

- I ain't had a bite all day.
- Of course you poor man.

I'll give you a quarter.

- I'm... Fender?
- Bilko!

- Forget the quarter.
- But why?

Where am I gonna get a
half a dollar to pay you back?

Oh come now,
Fender. We were such...

what could have happened?

Fender, how are
your wife and 5 kids?

2 kids, Bilko. We
had to sell 3 of them.

Oh, please, let me help
you, I have so much.

No, no please, don't help me.

If you wanna help
anybody, help them.

But... help them?

Don't hit us officer,
we'll move along.

Paparelli, don't you
remember me, Bilko?

I wish it was a cop.

Oh come on Paparelli,
we were such buddies.

After all, we went
through a lot together.

I'll say we went through a
lot, my money, his money...

His money... Mullen?

What are you doing
sleeping on a doorway?

Oh, it's only temporary.

I'm having my
penthouse re-decorated.

Oh how could you
Mullen, you're broke!

No, I'm a fresh air fiend.

Oh fellows, I must help you.
Here, let me give you my card.

Oh no, no, no cards Bilko.

That's how you put us
here in the first place.

Oh don't be that way.

Mullen, Paparelli, remember
the fun we had together,

the good times, you
remember the Ritziks?

- Emma, and Rupert?
- Yes, whatever happened to them?

They're doing swell.
They went into business.

- Business where?
- Right over there.

Oh.

Here you are, get
your morning paper!

Read all about it!

- Emma!
- What paper?

- Mister what do you read?
- Emma, it's me Ernie Bilko.

Bilko? Oh Bilko
please I beg you.

I got a good thing going here.

Don't louse up my
buck and a half a day.

Oh Emma, I know I've
wronged you and Rupert.

But please I wanna
make it up to you.

You really wanna
make it up to me, Bilko?

Of course, I do! What can I do?

You can drop dead!

Maybe a crowd will gather
and I'll sell more papers!

- Papers! Papers!
- Emma! Emma!

I just sold 3
pretzels for a quarter.

Shut up, Rupert, I told you

never to mention
money in front of him.

Ooh, ooh, a Park Avenue swell!

You wanna buy
some pretzels, mister?

It will go good with caviar.

Rupert, don't you
remember me, Ernie Bilko?

Leave us alone, Bilko!

Leave us alone or
I'll start screaming!

All right, all right!

Let's get out of
this neighbourhood.

- Doorman, get me a cab.
- Yes Sir, right away, Sir.

Colonel Hall. What
have they done to you?

Colonel Hall, not you Colonel.

What have I done to you Colonel?

I didn't mean it, Colonel.
I didn't know what...

Ernie! Ernie! Are you all right?

Boys, you were right! I
gotta make it up to them!

- Who?
- The Ritziks.

How much money
I got in the bank?

- About 400 bucks.
- It's theirs.

I'm gonna draw
it out of the bank.

- You really mean that, Ernie?
- You know I mean it.

- How about his wristwatch?
- That too go on find it.

Hensh, this time
I've gone too far.

Too far, it's too late
to make it up to them.

- Which one is his?
- Find it, find it!

If I only knew where they were.

I know where they are.
Grover got a letter from them.

Why didn't you tell me?

I figured they suffered enough.

All right, stop with the
lectures where are they?

Well, Rupert borrowed
on his G.I insurance,

and they bought a diner
just outside of Sunnyville.

A diner? How long ago was this?

- 5 days ago.
- 5 days, we've gotta hurry.

With his kinda cooking he
must be bankrupt by now!

Soup, beef stew, pie and coffee.

That was 85 cents. Did
you enjoy your lunch?

I haven't had food
like that since the Army.

Oh thank you, we just took
this place over you know.

Tell all your friends.

Sure, I'll call 'em
all from the hospital.

- How about dessert?
- No thanks.

- Cup of coffee?
- No thanks.

- Come in again.
- No thanks.

Well, well, I'm
waiting for the orders.

That was it, 3 customers.
The rush hour is over.

Stop complaining, Rupert.
You're always complaining.

I told you it takes time
to build up a business.

I don't understand it.

The guy told us that all
the truck drivers ate here.

Oh look, there's
one pulling up now.

That's funny, he slowed
up but he didn't stop.

I don't blame him why do
you have to run to the door?

- I told you to keep out of sight.
- What kind of a crack is that?

Are you trying to say that
I frighten people away?

Well, I didn't mean
to imply that at all.

I should hope not.

But you certainly don't do
their appetites any good.

Now, Rupert Ritzik, I'm
sick and tired of your insults.

I'm not going to listen to that
kinda talk from you anymore.

Do you understand me?

Ooh, ooh, look there's a
car just stopped outside.

You better hurry
back into the kitchen.

All right, but
push the meatloaf.

Don't forget, push the meatloaf.

Waiter, some
service here please.

Oh yes Sir. Now
what will you have?

Well, gentlemen what do
you say we live dangerously,

3 blue plate specials.

- Bilko!
- How are you Rupert?

Boy, am I glad to see
you. How are you, fellas?

- Hiya, Rupert.
- How ya doin' pal?

- Emma, guess who's here?
- Who?

It's Ernie Bilko. Bilko is here!

How are you, Emma?
You're looking fine.

She's in one of
those black moods

that come over
her 7 days a week.

- How ya doin', pal?
- Pretty Good.

It was slow at first but
we had 3 customers today.

Hey you guys look hungry.
How about something to eat?

Take a tip, lay
off the meatloaf.

If they're gonna eat here,
I want cash in advance.

Yes, dear.

Well, how does it feel being
in business for yourself?

Oh, it's great, Emma
says that in a few weeks,

we'll build this to a
thriving operation.

I got stuck with a
lemon here, Bilko,

right smack in the
middle of nowheres.

But of course working
with Emma side by side,

we have what they call in
the magazines, togetherness.

She's driving me mad Bilko.

I used to be able get
away once in a while.

Now she yaps at
me 24 hours a day.

Bilko, you gotta help me.
Get me outta this place!

Please Bilko, do...
- I told you...

Now relax, I'll take care of
you. Now who sold you this joint?

The Central Bank
and Trust Company

and this place right smack
in the middle of nowhere

cost me $5,000.
- How much in cash?

800.

Well, I'll get your money back

if I have to see
the Mayor himself.

Oh, won't do no good.
The Mayor owns the bank.

- What's he like?
- I never met him.

Hmm, that makes it better.

I'll have you double your
money back before you can say,

"Veteran's Readjustment
Committee."

- I never heard of that committee.
- Of course not, I just formed it.

All right you guys, let's go.

We don't want to keep
his honour waiting.

I want you in the Mayor's
office within the hour.

- Do you understand?
- Yeah.

The Mayor's office in an hour.

Hey, are you sure
you can help me?

Have no fear. Bilko is here.

- You'll get your money back.
- Emma! Emma!

- Where's Bilko?
- He's gone.

It's about time!

Emma, Emma, come here.

How'd you like to
get rid of this place?

Oh, Rupert, Rupert I've
told you a thousand times,

this is gonna be a
thriving business.

I've got plans for this place.

In a couple of months
we're gonna put

tables outside
for dining alfresco.

We're gonna have a little
beer garden in the back.

I'm gonna make this
into a beautiful restaurant.

Yeah, but what if we
got our money back?

I'd sell this dump in a minute!

Yes.

Your honour, Mr. Hoffman's
on the phone from the bank,

and there's a Sgt. Bilko
from the V.R.C to see you.

- V.R.C?
- Veteran's Readjustment Committee.

- Never heard of them.
- Should I send him away?

No, no in an election year,
you've got to see everybody.

Yes Hoffman well, if you
have to foreclose then do it.

I know they're an elderly
couple, but try to remember,

we're running a bank,
not a Social Security office.

But be polite about
it, they still vote.

- Don't tell me, Stanley Stevens?
- Have we met before?

No, but we powerful
veteran organizations

have ways of keeping
tabs on our friends.

As a matter of fact we've
got a complete dossier on you.

Oh yes, look at him, he's
in our corner all the way.

A complete dossier?

Well, of course you
see when we veterans

size up potential
Governors, Senators,

we wanna make sure it's somebody
sympathetic to our problems.

I have always
endeavoured to do my best.

I understand.

Down at our headquarters,
your file is labeled,

"Sympathetic Stan Stevens."

I say, you can't do enough
for our boys in uniform or out.

And you say it
well, did you get it?

Where is it, why isn't
your pencil moving?

- Get these quotes down.
- Yes.

I mean that last
quote may be worth

10 million votes
in the near future.

- Is he a reporter?
- Oh I beg your pardon, your Honuor.

I thought you had
recognized him.

May I present Westbrook Henshaw,

the most influential
columnist on the Army Times.

Of course, won't you sit down?

Thank you. Westbrook,
be a good fellow will you?

- Of course.
- Thank you so much.

I know you're a busy
man, your Honour.

I'll get right to the point.

The Veteran's
Readjustment Committee

is cooperating with the Army
Times in a series of articles

dealing with the adjustment
period in the lives of servicemen

returning to civilian life.
- I see.

And so we've decided to
put our best foot forward

and lead the series
off with the story on

Sympathetic Stan Steven's
home town, Sunnyville, U.S.A.

I'll be more than
glad to co-operate.

May I say how fortunate
we are to have a Mayor

who's so photogenic?
- Oh, really now...

Oh no, don't oh really...
you must consider

the wives of the veterans
votes too you know.

You see our stories make big
on various front pages like Life,

or Time Magazine and
do you have a preference

how you're photographed,
any shading?

Well, the right
is my best profile.

Take a note of that, the right.

But first things
first, your Honour,

I know this may shock
a man of your integrity

but we have definite proof
why returning servicemen

are continually being
victimized by greedy promoters.

- Deplorable!
- Yes!

Why in some towns
the bankers themselves

are guilty of this malpractice.

Why they push off
worthless businesses,

worthless homes on the...

- Not in my town!
- Oh I like his spirit!

We came to the right place.

Bilko, it may
interest you to know

that in addition to being
Mayor of Sunnyville,

I am also President
of our only bank.

No! Did you hear that Westbrook?

- Yes.
- By George, Nelson Rockefeller

may have some
competition come this fall.

Mr. Bilko, you're
not thinking of...

Say it, say it man... the
Presidency, why not?

Look at some of our
best chief executives

who come from small towns
like Independence, Missouri,

Springfield, Illinois.

Will you consider one
fact, the soldier's vote

didn't hurt Ike any, did it?

Hmm, hmm... what are
you thinking of, ping pong?

We'll bring back ping pong,
that's our campaign, ping pong!

The White House,
it's not possible.

It's not possible where have
I heard those words before?

Not possible... oh yes,
it was Herbert Hoover

who you resemble as a young man.

Well, let's get back
to the soldiers story.

Yes, yes, by all means.

Your Honour, we
thought the best way

to tell Sunnyville's attitude
toward the returning servicemen

would be through the eyes
of one man, one ex-G.I.

- I see.
- Sir, could you help us.

Perhaps give us the name of
the last G.I who bought a business

or a home here in Sunnyville?

Simplest thing in the world.
Get me Hoffman at the bank.

Oh I like it..get me
that picture Barbella,

the decisive executive
making a decision firmly.

Could you point
your finger this way?

- Hold it!
- Hold it!

- Hoffman, this is Stan.
- Did you hear that?

This is Stan, not banker Stevens,
not Mayor Stevens but Stan!

Oh this man is common.

Hoffman, give me the
name of the last ex-G.I.

to buy a piece of
property in Sunnyville.

- Rupert Ritzik?
- Not the Rupert Ritzik!

Do you know him?

Well, every soldier
knows the legend

of the immortal Sgt. Ritzik!

Was he a war hero?

Well, I myself personally
know that some days

he put 30 or 40
men out of action.

Listen to me, now
what's Ritzik's address?

What? You sold him what?

Oh no, Hoffman, I'm not
sure but I think you're fired!

What's wrong your
Honour? You look pale.

A terrible mistake has
been made. I can't believe it.

One of my subordinates took a
down payment of $800 in cash

from Mr. Ritzik for a
worthless piece of property.

Oh no you didn't hear
that, did you Westbrook?

I'm afraid I did. What a story!

Oh no, come now men
you're not gonna see

a promising
political career ruined

for a few paltry
hundred dollars.

Well, I don't know.

Oh come man, we
all make mistakes.

Roosevelt made mistakes,
Lincoln made mistakes.

Surely his Honour is
entitled to one mistake.

I'll give Mr. Ritzik
his money back.

Did you hear that Westbrook?

That was the voice of
liberal capitalism speaking.

- Go on man, kill the story.
- Well, I don't know.

He's got a point there Stan.

I mean this Ritzik may have
spent a few hundred dollars

improving his business.

- I'll give him back $1,200.
- Can anything be fairer than that?

Come on, Westbrook,
kill that story.

Well, I don't know.

I'll give him my personal
check for $1,600.

- It's a deal!
- Well, I don't know!

Write that check your
Honor and if you aren't

in that Governor's mansion
come next November,

my name is not Winthrop Bilko!

The Governor's mansion?
The cheque, the cheque...

- A Mr. Ritzik to see you.
- Oh good, show him in.

This is a stroke of luck.

Barbella I want
pictures of his Excellency

presenting the
check to Sgt. Ritzik.

Well, here I am.

The same heroic words he said

when he waded
ashore in the Philippines.

Barbella, get this
picture of the cheque,

the cheque to him, yes.

- Hold it!
- Good.

Mr. Ritzik, in my long
years as Mayor of Sunnyville.

- Your Honour.
- I want to present to you...

Your Honour, save your voice.
There will be so much campaigning.

We need all the
volume we can get.

Barbella, get
pictures of his Honour.

You will want one
in front of the bank,

at home with his family
and watch that right profile.

- Get the one...
- Bilko, how did do it?

Never mind, I'll
tell you all about it.

Right now cash that
thing as soon as you can.

- Let's get out of here.
- What for?

We're going to the
Army so you can re-enlist.

Oh I wish that I could.

But Emma's already
got plans of opening up

a luncheonette in Chicago.

Now look, I can't follow
you all over the country

getting you in
and out of trouble.

Come on, you belong in the Army.

Let's face it; Emma will never
let me go back to Camp Fremont

as long as you're in the Army.

Well, in that case maybe
I'm not in the Army anymore.

What do you mean?

I'll explain it to you on
the way back to the Diner.

Let me look at
that check, $1,600.

- Ernie!
- All right, all right!

Hurry up, the bus to
Chicago leaves in an hour.

Okay, okay, I'm
coming what's the hurry.

I wanna get out of here
before they change their minds

and take back the money.

Ooh, ooh, there's
somebody at the door.

I told you they'd
change their minds.

Let's go out the
back way, hurry.

Oh no, it's okay. It's
Rocco and Henshaw.

Come on in boys.

- Hi Rupert.
- Hi.

- Isn't he here, yet?
- Who?

Bilko, he told us
to meet him here.

- What for?
- I can't tell you it's a surprise.

Oh, you don't have
to tell me, I know.

He heard about the $1,600.

Come on Rupert,
we can't wait for him.

We can't wait for any
bus. Let's start running.

Wait, I wanna say
goodbye to my friends.

You'll be saying
goodbye to your money.

Now come on!

Surprise!

Emma, Rupert, I've
got wonderful news!

If I wanna listen to news,
I'll listen to Walter Cronkite.

- Now, come on Rupert!
- What's up?

Take a look, pal.
I'm out of the Army!

- No kiddin'!
- Yeah.

Now, look, I got
a wonderful idea

where we can make
a barrel of money.

Ooh, ooh, how much?

A million, 2 million,
the sky's the limit.

Emma, now I can get
you that squirrel coat

that you always wanted.

Yeah! Now, here's the idea.

Now look, I know that
you 2 are opening up

a luncheonette in Chicago,
well, I'll go in there with you.

We'll make it a two-way split.

Bilko, you can't become a
millionaire from a luncheonette.

That's the gimmick.

Come here, the
luncheonette is just the front.

In the back of the luncheonette

we're gonna have
a gambling casino.

You know what I mean,
dice, roulette, poker, the works!

Sounds great, Emma.

- What do you say?
- Police! Police!

She's got me raided
before I even open the place.

Now look Emma, don't
let this opportunity go by.

I know where I can get some

good second hand
gambling equipment.

I've got 100 bucks. I
only need $1,600 more.

- I knew it! I knew it!
- Wait a minute Emma.

You've gotta think big.

Where would Al Capone be
today if he didn't take chances?

You must be crazy!

You can only get away with
things like that in the Army.

You can't get away
with that in civilian life.

- But why?
- Just tell me why?

Because there's a big
difference between Colonel Hall,

and J. Edgar Hoover.

Don't worry about J. Edgar
Hoover. To me he's just another cop.

That settles it. He's
crazy, just crazy!

Wise up Bilko. Go
back to the Army.

- That's impossible.
- Why?

- Tell her, Hensh.
- He sold the Colonel's staff car.

Yeah, the Colonel gave
me an honourable discharge

with one condition that
I never show my face

around Camp Fremont again.

- Gee, I didn't know that.
- Yeah.

It's 10 years of hard
labour if they ever catch me

within 100 miles
of Camp Fremont.

But that's all behind
me. Let's look ahead.

I can just see us now, the
3 of us, the 3 musketeers.

It will be great fun
outsmarting the F.B.I.

muscling in on the Mafia.

Oh boy, just like James
Cagney in the movies,

"all right jackal come..."

Oh shut up, Rupert!
Shut up! Come on.

Where are we going?

The one place Bilko can't
get his hands on our money,

Camp Fremont.
- Wait a minute, Emma.

- You know I can't go back there.
- That's your tough luck Bilko.

This is one time you
outsmarted yourself.

Come on Rupert!

I'd love to go, but
she's got no guts.

Well, everything
is it's in place.

He's back at camp
where he belongs.

- Now we get back.
- Good.

Wait a minute; you
know that wasn't

a bad gimmick to come up with.

I mean about the luncheonette.

I do know where
I can get a hold of

some good second
hand gambling equipment.

First thing you know, I round
up my group of guys you know.

I say, "Listen fellas,
I'm gonna run this outfit,

you understand.

It's... why don't you
talk me out of it...

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.

Beatrice Pons as Mrs. Ritzik.

Hope Sansberry as Mrs. Hall.

John C. Becher as Mayor Bogle

Charles Mendig
as Sergeant Logan.

And Abby Lewis as the secretary.