The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 4, Episode 11 - Bilko Presents the McGuire Sisters - full transcript

(barking orders)

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- Ernie boy!
- Sherwood baby!

My favorite agent,
how are you doing?

Hey, you must
be doing all right.

You finally got an
office with a window in it.

Yeah, now I'm gonna jump out
of it, if business don't get better.

Have no fear, pal, the
Ziegfeld in khaki is here.

You're gonna do another
camp show, Ernie?

Oh, yes, like the man
says on television,

it's gonna be really big.



A big production, a big
musical extravaganza.

How much money you got to spend?

$23.

You came to the right place.

Hey, pal, what
have you got for me?

Now look, I want
names big names.

Well, a $23 budget
is a little tight,

but I like the challenge.

Let's see what we've got.

Let me remind you I
don't want any animal acts.

I want an all-people show.

Here's something.
You wanted a name.

You won't find a
bigger name than this.

Hit me with it, pal.



Frank Sinatra.

I like it, I like it.

Frank Sinatra, huh?

- What does he do?
- Bird calls, domestic and foreign.

And his name is Frank Sinatra?

He's got the papers to prove it,

birth certificate,
driver's license.

- What does he get?
- 8 bucks.

I'll give you 6
bucks with car fare.

6 bucks for Frank Sinatra?

Well, go all the
way, I wanted names.

Ok, you got it, who else
have you got for me?

Let's see now.

Kim Novak.

Kim Novak? Oh, Sherwood you're
really popping up with them today.

- What does she do?
- Plays the musical saw.

Can she accompany
Sinatra on the saw?

Any way you want it,
Ernie. Her price is 5 bucks.

Aha, and she can
prove she's Kim Novak?

Better than I can prove
I'm Sherwood Devore,

with a high school diploma.

Let me think, now. Let me see.

I open with Frank Sinatra
and then Kim Novak

comes out and plays
a medley of Cole Porter

tunes on the musical
saw. I need a finish.

A big flash act for the finish.

You don't happen to handle

Fred Waring and his
Pennsylvanians, do you?

No, but I've got something
even better, the McGuire sisters?

The McGuires.

How do you come with
them at such short notice?

- What do they do?
- They're Hungarian acrobats.

The girl in the middle
can lift 1800 pounds.

Gives me the
idea for the finish.

For a finish, she lifts the jeep
with her sisters and Kim Novak,

and Sinatra in it.
- It's a deal.

It's a deal, wait a
minute, let’s be legal.

Here's a $2 deposit.

Now, look, I want my
stars at Camp Fremont

Saturday afternoon
for rehearsal.

I want them to come
with their costumes,

their pictures and
their birth certificates.

So long, pal.

Hey, just a minute Ernie,
do you need an MC?

- Who you got?
- Winston Churchill.

You better not press
our luck. So long.

All right, don't
push. Stay in line.

Plenty of tickets for everybody.

We want 2 good
ones right in front.

We want to get as
close to Frank as we can.

Close and front.

Well, I saved those
tickets for the drama critics,

however, first
come first served.

Give me those 2 choice
seats. Here you are ladies.

I just can't believe it.

Frank Sinatra coming
to Camp Fremont.

Is it really Frank
Sinatra the singer?

No, it's Frank
Sinatra the bird caller.

Well, here he is,
Mr. First Nighter.

It wouldn't be an opening
night without Duane Doberman.

It's a miracle, the McGuire
Sisters here in person.

Believe me, Doberman, I
was just as surprised as you are

when their agent told me
they were coming here.

You know, I have every
record they ever made.

Are they gonna sing Sugar Time?

You can believe me, Duane,
if these girls made a record

they'll do it Saturday night.

- How many tickets do you want?
- One.

All right, I think I better
alert you, Doberman.

These are very small camp
chairs, you better take 2.

- Okay.
- Two on the aisle for Duane...

Oh, Sarge.

Just think one week
from today, in gay Paris.

Yeah, I can't wait.

Chris, Dot, did
you see this letter?

No.

It's from a Pvt. Duane
Doberman in California, it says

"Dear McGuire
sisters. I can't tell you

how thrilled I was when I
heard you were going to make

a personal appearance at
Camp Fremont this Saturday night.

As a loyal, true
blue fan of yours,

could you dedicate a song to me?

I'll be sitting in the third
row on the first 2 seats."

Saturday night, we'll be in the
middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Well according to this letter

we're supposed to be in
the middle of California.

Well, do something,
call our agent.

- Oh sure.
- That's it.

Camp Fremont?

Oh look, Phyllis, sweetheart,

I never booked you
into Camp Fremont.

Hold on. I'll
check with Elliott.

Camp Fremont? I never
booked 'em there, Harry.

Let me check with Lester.

Well, none of us booked
'em into Camp Fremont,

the only one that could have
done a thing like that is the boss.

Tell him he made
a mistake? Not me.

Not me.

Phyllis, sweetheart.

I see. Goodbye, Harry.

Did he take care of it?

- You mean we get our vacation?
- Oh sure.

All afternoon. Our
plane doesn't leave

for California until tonight.

Oh.

- How are the ticket sales?
- Fine Sarge.

Look, tonight when
you run the spotlights

keep them dim
down, way, way down.

What they don't
see won't hurt them.

Sarge, you think you're
gonna get away with this?

Get away with what?

What am I doing
wrong? Maybe our Sinatra

is better than the other one.

Look, one thing you worry
about, guard this door.

Don't let anybody in this
rehearsal but my stars, understand.

- Who is it?
- Frank Sinatra.

Let him in.

Hello, Frankie boy.

I hope I'm not late, I
had to stop and pick up

my unemployment
cheque this morning.

Sarge, this is Frank Sinatra?

Will you, will you?
Just guard the door.

Come on in, Frankie boy.
Let me show you the stage.

This is where you're
gonna work tonight.

How does it feel here?

I hope I'm not the only
one on the show, Mr. Bilko

because after 20 minutes
of bird calls my lips get tired.

I can understand. Look,
don't you sing a little?

No, but I do a
wonderful imitation of a

yellow breasted Rhode
Island sap sucker.

Could this little yellow
breasted sap sucker

whistle a few
choruses of Witchcraft?

- No, it wouldn't be authentic.
- Ah.

Here's what, can I
you show what I do?

Go ahead, be free,
go ahead, Frankie.

I step out and I say "Lets tip
toe through natures woodland.

Hark, I hear a yellow breasted
Rhode Island sap sucker."

Hold it, hold it, Frankie.
This is a big crowd here.

The introduction, it lays there,
you know? Pep it up a little.

You know, can't you
do it, you know like the...

you know, be relaxed,
put your hat back and say

"Friends, I got a bird Sinatra
chick that whistles off the star.

I want my yellow
breasted gasser bird".

Gasser bird?

Who's gonna know you're
snapping your fingers?

So, try it once. You
know, loosen up.

Friends, I'm gonna
give you a gasser.

No, no, you're back
to the old, friends...

Loosen, spread your feet.

Spread your feet,
Frankie, and lean way back.

- Friends.
- Friends, I have a gasser bird.

No, you're not carrying
well, put your hat way back,

you know, loosen
this, get this old...

I know what you need,
you need a cigarette butt,

that gives you that
character like you don't care.

Now, put this in your mouth
and say "I got a gasser bird"...

- I gotta a gasser bird.
- Hey no...

Ah, Sarge, there's someone
here that says she is Kim Novak.

Ah, good. Get back
there and practice.

How do you do, Miss Novak?
Let me make you feel right at home.

Careful that's my musical
saw, it'll rip out to pieces.

Oh, I see.

Look, Miss Novak, you
have proof of your identity?

What do you want to
see? My musicians card?

My carpenters unions card?

Well, I guess that will do.

Don't you want me playing
anything special tonight?

What kind of crowd
are you gonna have?

Angry.

Would you do me a
favor For tonight’s show?

Could you dye your hair blonde?

Buster, they ain't
going to look at my hair.

Once I start to play they watch
my knees and my quivering saw.

- What are you gonna play?
- Something from Pal Joey?

No, none of that stuff.

I'm gonna play something
that was written specially for me.

Holiday for saws.
Where do I rehearse?

There's a space for
you right under the stage.

Sarge! When you
announce Kim Novak

and that cabinet maker comes
out, they're gonna kill you.

True, true, arrange for
power failure during her act.

I hope she can play
that saw in the dark.

Hey, Sarge, there are 3 girls
outside, should I let them in?

Ah, that must be the
McGuire sisters, let them in.

Roc, the Hungarian
acrobats are here, get the mat.

Put it down.

Hey, we're the McGuire sisters.

Are you, I suppose you
got your identification.

Identifications?

Yeah, anything will do, birth
certificate, high school diploma.

No, we don't have anything.

You don't have,
oh, this is great.

Sinatra has his identification.

Kim Novak has
her identification.

You're gonna go tumbling
around the stage without any proof?

They'll murder me.

Here's your mat, girls.

Oh, never mind. All
right, let's see a part of it.

Hurry up, do some hand
swings, some somersaults.

Aren't we gonna sing?

Sing, if I wanted singers
I'd get the Everly brothers.

Now, when I open the curtain,
I want you girls in pyramid,

you know, one girl...
who's the one in the middle?

The strong? Who does
the heavy one, who?

Oh, let me feel your muscle.

Now, you're gonna lift
those? Oh, this is murder.

- Wait till I see your agent.
- Wait till we see him.

Oh, we got no time. Let's
go, get into your tights.

Tights?

But of course, you're not
gonna come on the stage

in slacks are you?
- Where's our dressing room?

Downstairs, under the stage,
you're dressing with Kim Novak.

Now watch yourself,
if she's rehearsing

don't turn your back on her,
she'll saw your act in half.

Come on, let’s go.
Move it, move it.

But you can't go in
there. Hey put me down.

Hey, wait a
minute, what is this?

Well, that creep's trying
to keep us out of here.

We're in the show
and we gotta rehearse.

You're in the show? Who are you?

- The McGuire sisters.
- The McGuire sisters?

I'm Olga she's Ilona
and that's Zsa Zsa.

What? We're the McGuire sisters.

That's a lie. We're
the McGuire sisters.

Come on, girls, let's
make pretzels out of 'em.

Don't tell us who we are.
We're the McGuire sisters.

You're asking for it, girlie.

Don't threaten us.

Ladies, ladies. Just a minute.

Now, can you prove
you're the McGuire sisters?

Yes, here are our
citizenship papers.

Let's see that, let me see
that, Ilona, Olga, Zsa Zsa.

This is all in order.

I'm sorry, ladies. What some
girls will do to make 8 bucks.

All right, get these
imposters out of here.

- All right, come on - Let's go.

But I told you we're
the real McGuire Sisters.

I don't care. (barking orders)

I'm sorry for the misunderstanding,
I should've known it was you

the minute you came with those
broad shoulders and those thick arms.

Well, I'm glad you're here.

What are you going
to do for us tonight?

Now, now, Sherwood said
you want me to lift a jeep.

Now, what do you
want me to lift it with,

my hands or my teeth?

I think with your teeth,
and when you do it smile,

so you show those
strong dimples.

Hold on, kids I don't
wanna ruin your act

but I had an idea
of the opening,

as the curtains comes
up I want a pyramid,

you know, one girl
holding the rest of the girls,

you do anything like that?

Yeah, of course, up, up.

- Sarge, I got it, I got it.
- How did you get in?

What are you doing in
here? What have you got?

Their autographs,
The McGuire sisters

autographed this picture for me.

Gee, they're even
prettier in person.

Look I got no time for this.

We... where did you get this?

I sent away for it.

You mean that's the Mc...
the real, real McGuire sisters.

Oh, it's them all right.

Bilko, do you want to
see this pyramid or not?

What pyramid? what are you
bothering me with pyramids?

- Which way did they go?
- Towards the gate.

That means they're going
to the railroad station.

We gotta stop them.

Just a minute, Sergeant,
either we get paid

or you get pounded
into the ground.

Now, Olga, we can talk
this over man to man.

- The 8 bucks, Bilko.
- Now look...

Zsa Zsa the hammer lock.

Olga, Olga.

Zsa Zsa.

3 against one.

Hey Sarge, Sarge, here they are.

Kids, come on back to camp, you've
got to rehearse your music, let's go.

Stay away from us, Sgt.
Bilko, I'm warning you.

Oh, isn't that cute,
they're still mad.

- Shall we tell 'em?
- Tell us what?

Oh, come on honey
it was a big joke.

I knew who you
were all the time.

I thought you had a better
sense of humor than that, Phyllis.

She's Phyllis.

Of course she is.

I'm still doing the joke,
don't you get it at all?

I did this so you'd
relax before the show.

Oh, who were those
other McGuire Sisters?

Honey, you didn't listen good.

Their name wasn't McGuire,

they were the McMeyer sisters.

So they sound like
McGuire, I did it for a joke.

I'm surprised at you, Christine.

She's Christine.

Of course she is,
I'm still doing the joke.

Don't you get it?
They don't get it at all.

Come on, kids, let’s go
back to the camp, come on.

Look, look, we didn't mind
cancelling our vacation once

to do your show,
but to cancel it twice

is asking a little too much.

Yeah, we were on our way
to France. We're all packed.

Please, please do the show.

If not for me, for this
gallant soldier boy right here

who tomorrow for the first
time gets sent up in a test rocket.

And don't, don't send
him into outer space

without a fond memory
of the McGuire sisters.

- But, Sarge, I'm not going.
- He's so upset.

Oh please, Sergeant.

Look, you asked so nicely
we'll do the show just for you.

Oh, isn't that swell? Come
on, kids, let’s go, huh?

Come on, Sgt. Bilko.

No, I'm not Sgt.
Bilko. He's Sgt. Bilko.

I'm still playing
that joke. Let's go.

I'll have some flowers
in your dressing room,

you're gonna love it
there. Take care of the kids.

Gee, what swell girls, Sarge.

You know, when I wrote to
them to come to Camp Fremont,

I never dreamt they'd come.

You wrote to them?

Well, that explains
why they came here.

Gee, don't they sing
great together, Sarge?

Yeah, and they make all
that money together too.

But they could even
make more money.

They could how?

If they split up they could
make 3 times as much money.

Well, you think the McGuire
sisters would ever break up, Sarge?

Well, if properly
handled, you never know.

You never know. You
wrote to them, huh?

You know what this
is? A 150lb of brains.

Come on, let's go.

Yes, operator, that's Josh
Logan. Oh, you'll find the number,

he's a famous producer.
- Ernie, you can't do that.

Dorothy McGuire
already has an agent.

Wrong, the McGuire
sisters have an agent

but individually
nobody handles them.

Quiet. Hello, Josh.

But you are interested, Hubbell?

Swell, you'll be
hearing from me.

Ernie, you did it. You did it!

You sold all 3 of
them just like that.

Now comes the minor
detail of splitting them up.

Oh, well, that
sounds impossible.

You know how
they love each other.

Well, look, if Einstein
can split the atom,

Bilko can split the
McGuire sisters.

Come on, fellow scientists,
we have dirty work to do.

Hi, Phyllis.

- Oh, hello, - Where
are your lovely sisters?

They went out to
have some coffee.

Oh, did they? Well it's just
as well because I'd kinda like

to talk to you alone
a minute, if I may.

- Can I ask a favor of you, dear?
- Yes.

Well, you see
tonight we're giving

a dramatic reading for
the boys and they love it.

They see so little
of live entertainment,

and I wonder, would you
mind reading one of the parts?

Oh, I haven't done
too much acting.

Oh, it's very simple, you
see, I have the big part.

This is Wuthering Heights
and I play Heathcliff

and I have the big part,
You just have one little scene

where you go mad.
- Mad?

It's quite simple,
see, right here,

she thinks she
sees this apparition.

The cue is where I say "Cathy"
and then you read those lines.

Heathcliff. Heathcliff.

That's good, now
you've got the lines.

Now hold it, honey, and
give it a little expression.

Remember, this girl is
tormented, she's suffering

so when I give you the cue.

- Cathy.
- Heathcliff, Heathcliff.

Well you're getting
a little better, honey,

but you've got to
suffer from within.

Whenever you get the cue, you
hear Cathy, the torment comes.

Heathcliff.

No, I didn't give
you the cue, honey.

- Cathy?
- Heathcliff, Heathcliff.

Heathcliff, where are you?

Come on, Dorothy, let's
rehearse our numbers, shall we?

- Phyllis.
- No, don't disturb her now, kids.

She wanted to be alone.

That's a great little
sister you got there.

She sure is.

Boy, she's crazy about you too,

what she won't do to
keep this act together.

- I've never seen anything like it.
- What do you mean?

I mean about that offer she
got from Samuel Goldwyn.

Oh, I'm not supposed
to say anything.

Phyllis got an offer
from Sam Goldwyn?

Well, I went this far, I might
as well tell you the rest of it.

Yes, Sam Goldwyn wants
to star her with Marlon Brando

in the remake of
Wuthering Heights.

Phyllis in Wuthering Heights.

- I don't believe it.
- Well don't take my word for it.

- Cathy?
- Heathcliff, Heathcliff.

You heard it, so
she's anxious to do it

but she'll never take it.

- Why?
- I can give you 2 reasons, why.

Dorothy and Christine.
She'll never break up the act.

But we wouldn't
stand in her way.

We've got to
tell her to take it.

Oh no, honey, that's
very sweet of you

but you've got be much
more cleverer than that.

What can we do?

Well, I know it will hurt you,

but for our own sake you've
gotta throw her out of the act.

Oh, we couldn't do that.

Of course you couldn't,
let her stay with the act

and sing her miserable,
little frustrated heart out.

Dorothy, we've got to make
her take it for her own good.

Come on.

I've walked the moors
from dust till dawn,

Heathcliff, Heathcliff.

Oh hi, I was just
rehearsing a scene.

It's time to run
through our numbers.

Ok, let's go over
the first number,

and you know what we can do?

Excuse me, honey,
I can't get through.

Well, we felt for once that
you should stand on the end.

Ok, I'll stand on the end.

Of course, if you think
you're too important

to stand on the end,
stand in the middle.

No, I'll stand on the end.

Sure and sneak bows
while we're going off?

Say, what's with you two?

All right, we'll level with you.

It's time you found
out that this is a trio

and not Phyllis
and her 2 friends.

That's a rotten thing to say.

Oh, the truth hurts, doesn't it?

Maybe you'd like this
trio better if it was a duet.

- No, I wouldn't.
- Well, Chris and I would.

We don't need you
in the act anymore.

Well, if that's the way
you feel about it, goodbye.

Good luck, Phyllis.

We'll go to all of your
movies. Oh, please.

I saw and heard it all.
You kids are real troopers.

It's a shame that Nick Kenny
will never hear about this.

Excuse me, I wanna
be by myself a minute.

Excuse me, Chris, I better
see if Dorothy is all right.

Oh, come on, darling,
let me see that pretty face.

Let me see that
smile. Come on, honey.

I can't, Phyllis hates me
after what I've just done to her.

Oh no, she doesn't
someday she'll...

- But, Sir, I didn't want...
- Oh no, no.

Phyllis don't hate you.
She'll understand something.

Hey, why don't you send
her a nice bouquet of flowers

with a note in it
saying I love you

and that will cheer her up?
- That's a good idea.

Of course, look, right here,
honey, you see this number

and this name, Tony? That's
my friend, Tony the florist.

Here's a dime,
dear, you call him

and tell him to put a nice
note in with the flowers

saying I love you.

His name is Tony,
dial the number.

Tony is his name,
don't forget the name.

Tony, I'm gonna
go cheer up Chris.

Go on.

- Ok, Chris.
- I'm ok.

Is Dorothy all right?

Oh, I guess so, but
she'll never get over it.

Yes, we'll both miss Phyllis.

Oh, I wasn't
talking about Phyllis.

- I was talking about him.
- Him?

Yes, the boy that Dorothy
is in love with, Tony.

Tony? She never
mentioned any Tony.

Funny she told me all about it.

She was gonna elope with him,
but that was before Phyllis left

and now she doesn't
want to leave you alone.

I don't believe it.
I'm gonna ask her.

And this is what I want on
the card Tony, I love you.

Did you hear me
Tony? I love you.

- Dorothy?
- What?

- She has bad news for you.
- I have bad news for you.

- What is it?
- She's leaving the act.

- I'm leaving the act.
- Leaving the act, why?

- She's had a better offer.
- I had a better offer.

From whom?

CBS, they want her to do
the Christine McGuire show.

Yes, CBS wants me for
the Christine McGuire show.

Oh no, first Phyllis and
now you, what's going on?

I hope she'll be
happy with Tony.

There, there, Chris, you
did a fine, noble thing.

You know what you must do now?

You must bury yourself
and work, work, work.

That's the only way to forget.

And say that wasn't
a bad idea you had.

- What idea?
- The Christine McGuire show.

I'm sure CBS'll go for it.

Why don't you let
me handle the deal?

- Oh, I don't care, I wanna go home.
- You do that, honey.

You go to New York
and I'll call you there.

That's a good girl,
you'll feel better, honey.

Dot, what are you doing here?

I just split up with Christine.

Oh, no. What's happening?

Well, there's Chris.

Hi, girls. Hi.

Phyllis, I wanna wish you the
best of luck with Sam Goldwyn.

Sam Goldwyn?

Yes, Sgt. Bilko told me about
your offer for Wuthering Heights.

- I never got an offer.
- You mean there was no offer?

- No.
- You aren't going to Hollywood?

Of course not.

Then we can be
together again the 2 of us.

- What about me?
- Aren't you gonna marry Tony?

What Tony?

The one you were
talking to on the phone,

you know, I love you Tony.

- But he's a florist.
- Honey, we don't care what he does.

Just as long as you're happy.

I wasn't gonna marry any Tony.

Sgt. Bilko told me
to call... Sgt. Bilko!

He wanted to be my agent.

I see it all now, he
was trying to split us up.

- And he almost did.
- Can you imagine that?

Girls, I think we ought to
pay Sgt. Bilko a little visit.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

That's right, Hubbell, you
can tell the boys at CBS

to start production Monday.

Yes, Christine is on her
way to New York now.

Do me a favor, will you Hub?
Would you mind sending me

my 10% on to me
please? I'd appreciate that.

That's Bilko, Ernest G. Bilko,
Camp Fremont. Camp Fremont.

Yes, it's a summer resort.
Would you excuse me?

There was no Sam Goldwyn offer.

And I'm not marrying any Tony.

What about it, Sgt. Bilko?

Don't you know me yet?
It's a joke, it's all a joke.

Weren't you just talking to CBS?

Me, on this... it's
a phony phone.

It's a phony phone, I'm
always kidding around like that.

Come on, kids,
let’s do the show.

A show after what you did to us?

Ah, come on, Chris, let's
sing and get out of here

before he tries to turn
us into the 3 Stooges.

I like that.

All right, simmer down.
Well, Bilko did it again.

I promised you big
show with Frank Sinatra,

Kim Novak, or the
McGuire sisters.

Well, here they are,
the McGuire sisters.

"Oh, we ain't got
a barrel of money.

Maybe we're ragged and funny.

But we'll travel along
singing a song side by side.

Oh, we don't know
what's coming tomorrow.

Maybe it's trouble and sorrow.

But we'll travel the road

sharing our load

side by side,

Through all kinds of weather.

What if the rain should fall?

Just as long as we're together,

it doesn't matter at all.

So when they've all had
their quarrels and parted.

We'll be the same as we started,

just traveling along,

singing a song side by side.

In all kinds of weather.

What if the sky should fall?

As long as we're together,

it doesn't matter at all.

When they've all
had their quarrels

and said their goodbyes
and they've parted.

We'll be the same just
exactly the same as we started,

just best we 3 together
in every kind of weather

we'll travel along
harmonizing this song

side by side.

And at the risk of
getting too wordy,

we're gonna be
just like the birdies

who travel along

singing a song,

side by side.

I never thought
you'd get away with it.

- What a show.
- They loved it.

The next show... come in.

The next show I do I'm not
gonna go through the sacrifice.

Good evening, gentlemen,
I'm Mickey Rooney.

I heard you were doing a
show for the Armed Forces.

We've had enough
phonies get him out of here.

Look, the show ain't...

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Admire Rice, April
Gentles and Beatrice Arthur

as Zsa Zsa, Ilona
and Olga McGuire.

Also Bernie West as Sherwood.

Jane Dulo as Kim Novak and
Leo Liebman as Frank Sinatra.