The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 4, Episode 12 - Bilko's Secret Mission - full transcript
(barking orders)
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Well, how did we do so far?
In the week since the
Colonel has been gone
we've grossed $128.
All right, give me a break down.
- Poker games $54.
- Good.
The Bilko U-Drive Rent
a Jeep Service $21.
How did we do in the
Cha Cha Cha Festival?
We took in 55 cents.
That activity will
discontinue, onward.
Use of the Colonel's
staff car, $19.
Wait a minute $19? Is that...
Are you sure the
meter was working?
Cpt. Barker used the car 3 times
last week on official business.
Official business, why do
you stand for that nonsense?
How many times have
I told you make a stand!
But gee, Ernie, I tried though.
Never mind, I'll see
the Captain myself.
Don't forget, Ernie, the
Colonel left Cpt. Barker
in charge of the
camp while he's gone.
What does that
got to do with me?
I'm sorry, Ernie,
the uniform fools me.
I keep thinking
you're one of us.
Henshaw!
I've got it! I've got it, I got
a system that can't miss.
- What can't miss?
- My roulette system.
It's fool-proof, Bilko.
You know, I said to myself
the other day, Rupert.
I said if anybody ever comes
up with a fool-proof system
It'll be Rupert Ritzik.
Get the roulette wheel.
I got it figured
out scientifically.
Do you want to
hear how it works?
Rupert, anytime
I haven't got time
to listen to a fine scientific
mind such as yours,
that'll be the day.
Don't stand there,
get the wheel!
Hey, you're not gonna steal
this from me, are you, Bilko?
Oh, I give you my
word of honour.
Never mind that stuff, I
want to you to promise.
- I promise.
- Now it's a little complicated.
- You'll have to try and follow me.
- I'll try.
Do you know anything at all
about the science of astrology?
Slightly, slightly, we got
everything, okay, slightly.
Now, my entire system is
based on the scientific facts
contained in this volume.
"Gypsy Horoscopes and
What Numbers to Play."
Exactly.
Now, I was born under
the sign of Sagittarius.
- Yeah.
- My wife is Scorpio.
Yes.
Now Sagittarius has 11
letters in it, Scorpio has 7.
Say, that's right.
Therefore, the key numbers
seem to be 11 and 7.
Ah, that's the numbers you're
playing, a little more, please.
Wait, just a moment. Now,
what's the number of my house?
- 117.
- Ah hah.
Notice the recurrence
of those digits 11 and 7.
Say, that's great.
You're playing 11 and
7, put your money in here.
No, not quite.
We have to take into
consideration the time of the day.
Oh, I see.
See, to arrive at the
proper number to play,
we divide the time
of the day into 117.
I see.
For instance now
it's exactly, 4 o'clock.
Check.
The nearest division
4 into 117 is 29.
And the number is 29
and the little ball spins.
Place your bets, Rupert,
29 is the number, put it up.
I'm not finished yet,
and besides I'm broke.
You're what?
Not finished yet and to arrive
with the proper denominator.
Get out of here with denom...
I'm ashamed of you, Bilko,
you have no intellectual curiosity.
Get out of here with your
astrology, with the Sagittarius.
- Did you ever?
- He sure is a dilly.
Boy, I pick 'em, don't I?
I gotta run over to
Cpt. Barker's office
and get these passes okayed.
But Ernie, you
already got 4 this week.
In this condition, he doesn't
know what's happening.
Cpt. Barker, there's
absolutely nothing
organically wrong with you.
But, Doctor, I feel
just absolutely...
I know, I know, you're
suffering from nervous tension
and palpitations
and dizzy spells.
Or what we Doctors
call Bilko Fatigue.
You're so right, Doctor.
He's been driving
me out of my mind.
- I can imagine.
- It's been nerve-racking, Doctor.
Bilko's incessant demands,
his constant conniving.
- I don't think he ever sleeps.
- Now, Cpt. Barker...
I've been getting
round-the-clock aggravation.
Cpt. Barker, just take
one of these tranquilizers
every 3 hours.
Do you think
they'll help, Doctor?
I think so. Of course they'd
help a great deal more
if you could get
Bilko to take them.
Cpt. Barker speaking.
Who? Gen. Noonan here?
He wants to see the
Acting Commander?
What does he want with me?
Why doesn't he
go directly to Bilko?
Ten-shun.
What's your name, Captain?
- Barker, Sir.
- Stand easy, Barker.
I am assuming
command of this Post.
Yes, Sir. I sort
of expected that.
Am I confined to quarters, Sir?
What the devil are
you talking about?
I'll need your help. Yes, Sir.
I'm sure between the two
of us we can handle him, Sir.
Are you feeling
all right, Captain?
- Yes, Sir.
- Good.
Now then, I want to see
Sgts. Ritzik, Grover and Bilko.
Yes, Sir, but ah... why the
others? Bilko is the ringleader.
These men and their
platoons will work with me
on a secret assignment
at Yucca Flats.
We'll be leaving tomorrow at...
what do you mean
Bilko's the ringleader?
Well, I, I mean Sir,
he's the ranking NCO.
I'll alert them
immediately, Sir.
Thank you. Thank you.
Good afternoon, Cpt. Barker,
would you sign these papers, please?
No use looking at them,
I've gone all over them.
How are ya? Ten-shun.
This is Sgt. Bilko, Sir.
Will you excuse me?
Bilko, I want you
and your platoon
to be ready to go in 3 hours.
Yes, Sir. Er, go
where may I ask, Sir?
You have been chosen to
participate in Operation K.O.
We'll be testing the effective
nuclear reactors on tanks.
Very good, Sir, may I ask, Sir,
how long will we be
gone from the camp, Sir?
Oh about a week to 10 days.
Very good, Sir.
I was just... ahuh
huh..sorry, Sir.
What's wrong, Sergeant?
It's a bronchial condition I
have, so it always acts up,
when I'm about to travel.
It's ah hah...
Sergeant, your
health is not good.
I am certainly
not going to insist
on your going to Yucca Flats.
Thank you very much, Sir.
That's most
considerate of you, Sir.
Yucca Flats, Sir, isn't that
right near Las Vegas, Sir?
Yes, why?
Well, I was just thinking
that dry desert air
will do wonders for
my condition, Sir.
Bilko, these tests
are important.
But I'm not going
to risk the health
of even one of our soldiers.
Sir, I know how
important these tests are
to our National Security,
and I'd be shirking my
duty as a patriotic soldier,
if I didn't go along
with you to Las Vegas,
ah... to Yucca Flats, Sir.
- What a break, Sarge, Las Vegas.
- Yow!
Sarge, which one of these
eyeshades do you want?
Both of them, I may be
gambling day and night.
Oh, Las Vegas I
couldn't believe it.
What do you mean?
Well, it's like sending a
Mohammedan on a free trip to Mecca.
- Hey, Sarge, which bathing suit?
- The blue one.
You're taking a
bathing suit, Sarge?
Why not, there may
be gambling outdoors.
One never knows! I heard.
Hey, Bilko, I've
got a good idea.
How about you and me go
partners on the roulette tables?
I've got a better idea, how
about you getting out of here?
Ok, but you'll be sorry.
After all my system
is based on astrology
and the stars know
more than we do.
- They do?
- Well figure it out for yourself.
We've been around 40 years,
and the stars they've
been around maybe 240.
Out! Out! Did you ever?
Well, you're all packed,
Sarge. All set, all right.
Line up the platoon,
I wanna talk to them.
- Right.
- For a briefing?
No, no, for a slight touch.
I wanna hit those
gambling casinos
with at least $300, come on!
- Sarge.
Doberman, where are
you going in that outfit?
- Yucca Flats.
- Oh, Yucca Flats, I forgot.
How do I look, Sarge?
Splendid, splendid, you look
like the true Hollywood version
of the United States soldier.
You'd be a credit to
any John Wayne movie.
- All right, Doberman out, scram.
- Hey, hey, scram?
Scram we say to a
fellow soldier? Indeed.
We say scram?
To a soldier who is about to
loan his Sergeant his last $50?
But, Sarge, I'm broke.
Here, here, Doberman, I happen
to know you had $50 yesterday.
Yes, but I had dinner
in Grove City last night.
- Now, Sarge?
- I think so.
- Out.
- Come on.
Hey, Ernie, only 2
more hours and we're off.
Hey, Sarge, do you think we'll
be able to get into Las Vegas?
Are you kidding? In 2
hours we'll be surrounded
by a bevy of
beautiful showgirls.
Hensh, do you see any
beautiful showgirls yet?
No, but he was half
right, we're surrounded.
Lay off you guys, will ya?
Las Vegas is only 40 miles away,
it might just as well be 4,000.
Now, keep quiet, I'll think
of something to get us there.
Come on, think.
Ernie, I got an idea.
What?
What if the General got a
telegram from the Pentagon
ordering you to Las Vegas?
It's not a bad idea.
But, tell me, who
sends this telegram?
- I do.
- Oh, you do?
How do you get out of
here to send the telegram?
- Well, that's where you come in.
- Me? Whadda you mean?
Well, you said you
would think of something.
Rocco, you really amaze me.
Just when I got you
pegged as an ordinary dope,
you come up with a
flash of real stupidity.
Hey, did you guys figure out a
way how to get out of here yet?
No, but we're working on it, we've
got 2 and a half brains working on it.
What have you got there?
Oh, I've gotta bring
some lunch over
to some big shot
scientist over at the lab.
Bilko, think of a way
to get me to Las Vegas.
Look, suppose we put
you in an atomic cannon,
and shoot you into Vegas.
Not a bad idea, Bilko.
But how can I be sure
that there'll be a net there
waiting to catch me?
Don't worry, Rupert.
Wherever you go, there'll be
somebody waiting with a net.
What is the purpose of this
procedure, Professor Von Zimmer?
Well, Professor Flander, in
this age of missiles and rockets,
the Army is using many many
different kinds of materials.
Now, the problem has
been to make all these
incompatible materials unite
through the use
of a magnetic force.
And you think this magnetizer
that you've
developed can do this?
Oh, absolutely.
Whatever passes between
this electrode and this electrode
becomes a magnet,
even a living thing.
A living thing?
Watch.
My hand is now completely
electro-magnetized,
it will attract anything.
Observe!
This fountain pen.
This glass.
This screw driver.
Amazing, absolutely amazing!
But how long can your
hand remain magnetized?
Oh, indefinitely, unless it
is neutralized with alcohol.
Alcohol may also be taken
internally for the same effect.
Alcohol will remove
the magnetic effect?
Oh yes, yes.
You see? Nothing happens.
It's simply fantastic!
Now, if you'll just come
this way, I'd like to show you
what we're doing in the field
of thermonuclear dynamics.
Professor Von
Zimmer, lunch, lunch.
Zzzzzzzz!!
Professor Von Zimmer? Oh
I might as well leave it here.
Zzzzzzzz!!
I think I blew a fuse.
I better get outta here.
There's gotta be a
way to get to Las Vegas.
But, Ernie, the General
said absolutely no passes.
I heard him. I heard him.
Yeah, and they've got
2 M.Ps at every gate.
I saw them. I saw them.
- So give up.
- I can't give up!
- The clicking keeps me up at night.
- What clicking?
The clicking of the dice,
the clicking of the high heels,
everything clicking, but ideas.
Take it easy, Ernie.
Roc, you've seen a
lot of those bad movies.
In the prison pictures, how
do they make a break for it?
Well, oh I saw
one the other night.
See, these 2 guys
want to escape,
so they hid in a laundry truck
and went right past the guards.
Laundry truck,
not bad, we'll try it.
But Ernie, this place
hasn't got a laundry truck.
No, but they've got a
garbage truck, haven't they?
A garbage truck?
Look, we don't want to get
to Vegas that bad, do we?
Of course not, but I
know somebody who does.
- Ritzik.
- Of course, now you're thinking.
But wait a minute,
Ernie, I don't get it.
How is this going
to get us to Vegas?
Look, Ritzik goes AWOL.
It's only fair for the General
to send his best friends
to bring him back, huh?
Wait a minute, Sarge, what
makes you think Ritzik will go for it?
Look, the minute he
thinks we're gonna do it,
he'll try to do it first.
- Who is it?
- It's me, fellas.
- Ritzik.
- Perfect.
It saves me the long
walk to the kitchen.
- Now, you know what to do.
- Right.
What is it Ritzik? We're busy.
Bilko, it's important. I've
got to show you something.
All right, but make it snappy,
because we're very busy.
- Look at this.
- What is it?
It's a wire cutter. Snip,
snip and I'm outside.
Oh, swell, snip, snip
and you're outside,
and once you're outside
bang, bang and you're dead.
They've got guns?
Of course, now look,
if you want to make your wife
happy, don't let us stop you.
But leave us alone now,
we're very busy discussing
something very important.
Now listen, we'll...
Hey, you got a plan, Bilko?
- Well.
- Shh!
Oh. No, no, we have no plan.
All right, I'll see
you around, fellas.
- So long.
- So long.
- So long, Rup.
- So long.
- Boy, that was close.
- I hope he didn't figure it out, Sarge.
I hope not, Rocco.
Hensh, what time does the
garbage truck leave in the morning?
About 7:00.
Good, they'd never
think anybody would hitch
a ride to Las Vegas
covered with garbage.
- When do we go, Ernie?
- The day after tomorrow.
We've gotta get there before
Ritzik breaks the casinos
with his roulette system.
Now remember, not a
word of this to anybody.
Now, we'll each get
into a garbage can...
Sgt. Ritzik? How did
he get past the guards?
In a what? Well, send
the MPs out after him.
If the wind's right,
they shouldn't have
any trouble finding him.
Come in.
Gen. Noonan, I'm sorry to report
but Sgt. Ritzik is missing, Sir.
Yes, I know Bilko.
Oh, then you know
about his amnesia, Sir?
His what?
Yes Sir, amnesia
resulted from a head wound
he received in Guadalcanal, Sir.
Oh, I didn't know.
Yes, and every time
he gets an attack
it wipes out the past 15 years,
and he reverts to being what he
was before he joined the Army, Sir.
- What was he?
- A garbage man, Sir.
That explains it.
I'm sending the MPs
to bring him back.
Oh, I was hoping you
wouldn't do that, Sir.
Why not?
Well, the sight of any unfriendly
faces might cause a shock,
and result in permanent
loss of memory, Sir.
You see, in the
past, it was always I
who went and
brought him back, Sir.
- You?
- Oh yes, Sir.
You can call Col. Hall
at Camp Fremont, Sir,
he'll verify it, Sir.
- Col. Hall's on leave.
- Oh darn, I forgot that.
Very well, Bilko, go get him.
If you're not back in 3 hours
I'll have the MPs
out after both of you.
- Sarge, you're crying?
- You don't understand.
This is my Disneyland.
- What about Ritzik?
- Oh, we'll find him later.
Right now let's get the
feel of the place, come on.
- Hey, kid.
- Yeah.
- How did yo do in there?
- I don't gamble.
Oh, this a nice place?
Sure, they give you
free drinks, everything.
- No kidding.
- Park the jeep.
Oh, here, get yourself
some cigarettes.
We're not doing
so well huh, Sarge?
I'm just warming up.
That downtown, that's
chicken feed, this is it.
The big leagues,
I'll fracture 'em.
- Come on.
- Yeah.
4 is the point,
shooting for the 4.
Come on, guys,
come on, little Joe.
- Huh.
- 7, the loser.
Well, we've almost used up the
time we had to get Ritzik back,
and we've lost $200!
All right, don't remind
me. Don't remind me.
We better find Ritzik
and get back to camp.
Look, we've got $5 left.
I'm desperate. What do we play?
Black jack. Black jack?
I'm not that desperate.
Not there, here, here, here.
Rupert, what are you doing?
I'm winning, I'm winning!
My system works!
You mean that crazy business
with the astrology works?
Yeah. Shh, come here, come here.
Place your bets, please.
I've won 8 out of 10 so far.
It's like that little white
ball is following me around.
- 8 out of 10?
- Yeah.
- A 35 to 1?
- Yeah.
- You must be rich.
- Yeah yeah.
- What's your winnings?
- $280.
200... and what are
you betting? Dollar bills?
Yeah.
Didn't you ever hear
of $20 bills, $30 bills?
What are you gonna play now?
Oh, let me see, I've gotta
figure it out, what time is it?
It's 5 o'clock.
5 o'clock and how
much do you weigh?
Mmh, 170 pounds.
- 170 divide 5 is 34.
- 34.
No, no I'm through yet.
Now, what month
were you born in?
- February.
- February, that's the second month.
Ah, 34 divided
by February is 17.
- 17.
- 17.
$5 on 17.
17, in here, here.
- The winner is No.17.
- 17.
Back, back, don't crowd this
genius, he's working, please.
Place your bets, whadda
we play now, 17 again?
Wait, wait. Croupier, what
month were you born in?
April.
April, that's Taurus, the Bull.
- Yeah.
- Good.
That's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.
Add 17 to 6, 23.
- 23.
- 23.
$200 on 23.
Hey, in case 23 comes
up, how much do we win?
Oh, please. How much?
How much, how much?
$7,000. $7,000.
23. Yeah!
Let's go, boys.
Here, here. Who do you think
you're manhandling, buddy?
Don't give us no trouble, Bilko.
Look, what battalion
are you with?
I may buy it and have you fired.
Croupier, ignore these
Cossacks, spin the wheel.
Ok, Mike, take 'em away.
- Henshaw, get the money.
- Right.
It's a million dollar
idea and we can't use it.
Take it easy, Ernie, you'll
have a nervous breakdown.
I don't care, I've gotta
realize my life's ambition.
Ever since I was a kid I
wanted a million dollars.
Will you keep your voice
down? You'll wake him up.
That's right. You're right.
The genius he's
got to get his rest.
Hey, Bilko. What is it, baby?
A glass of milk? A cup of tea?
I can't sleep. Can I go
back to my own bunk?
But you've gotta sleep,
you've gotta get your rest.
If you don't get your rest,
you're liable to get sick
and then what'll we do?
We'll have to take
him to a hospital,
that's what we'll do.
You've gotta get hold of
a stretcher and a blanket.
Get some white
sheets, tear 'em up.
Steady when he turns,
don't bump my patient.
- Yes, Doctor.
- Your pass, please.
Oh, we have no time
for that nonsense.
This man is in
critical condition.
I'm rushing him to the hospital
for an emergency locobotomy.
- Now, let us go.
- Who, who, who is here?
Don't touch him, if
your hand touched him,
I'd have to put that hand
in quarantine for 30 days.
Now let us go, please.
Sorry, doctor, Gen.
Noonan's orders.
Orders! This man is in pain.
Did the General order you to
let an American soldier suffer?
- Oh!
- Hold on.
In the name of Hippocrates,
let us through here.
Sorry, Doctor, I'll have to
check with Gen. Noonan first.
Gen. Noonan at 1
o'clock in the morning?
If I know the General
he'll put you on K.P.
for the rest of your life.
- What's going on here?
- I'm well.
The patient, he's the...
Wait, put on the
lights. Put on the lights.
Come on, you guys, get out of
here, he'll be back in 20 minutes.
Out, out, move.
Ok, Mullen, the
tunnel is 37 feet long
you and Ritzik have to dig
the last 3 feet yourselves.
Ok, you all set, Ritzik?
- Right.
- Come on, Mullen, come on.
- Give me a hand.
- Hold it.
I'll see that you get
some extra dough for this.
Oh gee, thanks,
Sarge. I'll tell the boss.
- What boss?
- John L. Lewis.
Here.
Bilko, if we weren't
short-handed around here
I'd slap you two in the
guardhouse and throw away the key.
Now, we're only going
to be here 2 more days.
- 2 days, Sir?
- That's right.
We'll start testing
the tanks tomorrow.
We'll work the clock around
so there'll be no
time for nonsense.
- Is that understood?
- Yes, Sir.
That's more like it. Dismissed.
Thank you, Sir.
Well, it looks like
we're cooked, Bilko.
We'll never get to Vegas now,
and me with my perfect system.
I know, I know, gimme a chance
to think, I gotta get to Vegas.
- How? How?
- I don't know how.
How? What... What's that?
Say, say.
- Bilko, you wouldn't?
- Who wouldn't, come on.
Come on, number
10, 1 and a big fat zero.
Folks, if this number wins
it's champagne for everybody.
- Oh, here.
- Number 10.
Bilko, how, how much
did we win so far?
How much, Bilko, how much?
$78,000.
- What are we gonna play next?
- Wait, wait.
Pardon me, please,
your champagne, Sir.
- Oh, here's the champagne.
- Champagne, help yourself, folks.
Help yourselves.
Oh, I'm sorry, Rupert.
- That's all right.
- All right, drink up.
Zzzzzzzzz!!!
Ooh, Ooh! What's the matter?
I don't know, I feel funny
like, like I got a shock.
Ah, you're not used
to good champagne.
- Place your bets, please.
- What, what, what number?
- Same number.
- Same number.
- Number 10.
- Come on, 10.
I've got to root this one end.
- Here, here.
- 34 red.
- What?
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
34 what kind of a crooked
wheel are you running here?
Take it easy, Bilko, I
must've miscalculated.
We'll double up, and we'll
get it up on the next number.
Ok, wait a minute,
are you sure, Rupert?
You're not going to fool
around with Pisces, come on.
- Number 10.
- Place your bets, please.
Move here, here. Come on.
Here. Come on, here.
33, black.
What number, Rupert?
See, I don't know. I don't know.
- Place your bets, please.
- Try number 11.
Oh, come on 11,
11, ones baby, 11.
- Double zero.
- That's us, two big fat zeros.
- All right, boys, let's go.
- Oh sure, now you show up.
Where were you 2 hours ago
when we could have used you?
Are we busted, Bilko?
You're busted, you and
that stupid system of yours.
Fortunately I was smart
enough to hold out 100 bucks.
Come on.
Just a minute,
Sergeant, just a minute.
What is this? $98.80, for what?
Champagne sport,
everybody drinks, remember?
You're gonna let this
civilian molest your prisoner?
- Give it up, buster!
- All right, here.
Wait a minute, I got change...
Wait a minute.
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:
Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.
Royal Beal as Gen. Noonan.
Nick Saunders as Cpt. Barker.
Nelson Olmsted as the Doctor.
Sanford McCauley
as Professor Flender,
and Leslie Littermee as
Professor Von Zimmer.
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Well, how did we do so far?
In the week since the
Colonel has been gone
we've grossed $128.
All right, give me a break down.
- Poker games $54.
- Good.
The Bilko U-Drive Rent
a Jeep Service $21.
How did we do in the
Cha Cha Cha Festival?
We took in 55 cents.
That activity will
discontinue, onward.
Use of the Colonel's
staff car, $19.
Wait a minute $19? Is that...
Are you sure the
meter was working?
Cpt. Barker used the car 3 times
last week on official business.
Official business, why do
you stand for that nonsense?
How many times have
I told you make a stand!
But gee, Ernie, I tried though.
Never mind, I'll see
the Captain myself.
Don't forget, Ernie, the
Colonel left Cpt. Barker
in charge of the
camp while he's gone.
What does that
got to do with me?
I'm sorry, Ernie,
the uniform fools me.
I keep thinking
you're one of us.
Henshaw!
I've got it! I've got it, I got
a system that can't miss.
- What can't miss?
- My roulette system.
It's fool-proof, Bilko.
You know, I said to myself
the other day, Rupert.
I said if anybody ever comes
up with a fool-proof system
It'll be Rupert Ritzik.
Get the roulette wheel.
I got it figured
out scientifically.
Do you want to
hear how it works?
Rupert, anytime
I haven't got time
to listen to a fine scientific
mind such as yours,
that'll be the day.
Don't stand there,
get the wheel!
Hey, you're not gonna steal
this from me, are you, Bilko?
Oh, I give you my
word of honour.
Never mind that stuff, I
want to you to promise.
- I promise.
- Now it's a little complicated.
- You'll have to try and follow me.
- I'll try.
Do you know anything at all
about the science of astrology?
Slightly, slightly, we got
everything, okay, slightly.
Now, my entire system is
based on the scientific facts
contained in this volume.
"Gypsy Horoscopes and
What Numbers to Play."
Exactly.
Now, I was born under
the sign of Sagittarius.
- Yeah.
- My wife is Scorpio.
Yes.
Now Sagittarius has 11
letters in it, Scorpio has 7.
Say, that's right.
Therefore, the key numbers
seem to be 11 and 7.
Ah, that's the numbers you're
playing, a little more, please.
Wait, just a moment. Now,
what's the number of my house?
- 117.
- Ah hah.
Notice the recurrence
of those digits 11 and 7.
Say, that's great.
You're playing 11 and
7, put your money in here.
No, not quite.
We have to take into
consideration the time of the day.
Oh, I see.
See, to arrive at the
proper number to play,
we divide the time
of the day into 117.
I see.
For instance now
it's exactly, 4 o'clock.
Check.
The nearest division
4 into 117 is 29.
And the number is 29
and the little ball spins.
Place your bets, Rupert,
29 is the number, put it up.
I'm not finished yet,
and besides I'm broke.
You're what?
Not finished yet and to arrive
with the proper denominator.
Get out of here with denom...
I'm ashamed of you, Bilko,
you have no intellectual curiosity.
Get out of here with your
astrology, with the Sagittarius.
- Did you ever?
- He sure is a dilly.
Boy, I pick 'em, don't I?
I gotta run over to
Cpt. Barker's office
and get these passes okayed.
But Ernie, you
already got 4 this week.
In this condition, he doesn't
know what's happening.
Cpt. Barker, there's
absolutely nothing
organically wrong with you.
But, Doctor, I feel
just absolutely...
I know, I know, you're
suffering from nervous tension
and palpitations
and dizzy spells.
Or what we Doctors
call Bilko Fatigue.
You're so right, Doctor.
He's been driving
me out of my mind.
- I can imagine.
- It's been nerve-racking, Doctor.
Bilko's incessant demands,
his constant conniving.
- I don't think he ever sleeps.
- Now, Cpt. Barker...
I've been getting
round-the-clock aggravation.
Cpt. Barker, just take
one of these tranquilizers
every 3 hours.
Do you think
they'll help, Doctor?
I think so. Of course they'd
help a great deal more
if you could get
Bilko to take them.
Cpt. Barker speaking.
Who? Gen. Noonan here?
He wants to see the
Acting Commander?
What does he want with me?
Why doesn't he
go directly to Bilko?
Ten-shun.
What's your name, Captain?
- Barker, Sir.
- Stand easy, Barker.
I am assuming
command of this Post.
Yes, Sir. I sort
of expected that.
Am I confined to quarters, Sir?
What the devil are
you talking about?
I'll need your help. Yes, Sir.
I'm sure between the two
of us we can handle him, Sir.
Are you feeling
all right, Captain?
- Yes, Sir.
- Good.
Now then, I want to see
Sgts. Ritzik, Grover and Bilko.
Yes, Sir, but ah... why the
others? Bilko is the ringleader.
These men and their
platoons will work with me
on a secret assignment
at Yucca Flats.
We'll be leaving tomorrow at...
what do you mean
Bilko's the ringleader?
Well, I, I mean Sir,
he's the ranking NCO.
I'll alert them
immediately, Sir.
Thank you. Thank you.
Good afternoon, Cpt. Barker,
would you sign these papers, please?
No use looking at them,
I've gone all over them.
How are ya? Ten-shun.
This is Sgt. Bilko, Sir.
Will you excuse me?
Bilko, I want you
and your platoon
to be ready to go in 3 hours.
Yes, Sir. Er, go
where may I ask, Sir?
You have been chosen to
participate in Operation K.O.
We'll be testing the effective
nuclear reactors on tanks.
Very good, Sir, may I ask, Sir,
how long will we be
gone from the camp, Sir?
Oh about a week to 10 days.
Very good, Sir.
I was just... ahuh
huh..sorry, Sir.
What's wrong, Sergeant?
It's a bronchial condition I
have, so it always acts up,
when I'm about to travel.
It's ah hah...
Sergeant, your
health is not good.
I am certainly
not going to insist
on your going to Yucca Flats.
Thank you very much, Sir.
That's most
considerate of you, Sir.
Yucca Flats, Sir, isn't that
right near Las Vegas, Sir?
Yes, why?
Well, I was just thinking
that dry desert air
will do wonders for
my condition, Sir.
Bilko, these tests
are important.
But I'm not going
to risk the health
of even one of our soldiers.
Sir, I know how
important these tests are
to our National Security,
and I'd be shirking my
duty as a patriotic soldier,
if I didn't go along
with you to Las Vegas,
ah... to Yucca Flats, Sir.
- What a break, Sarge, Las Vegas.
- Yow!
Sarge, which one of these
eyeshades do you want?
Both of them, I may be
gambling day and night.
Oh, Las Vegas I
couldn't believe it.
What do you mean?
Well, it's like sending a
Mohammedan on a free trip to Mecca.
- Hey, Sarge, which bathing suit?
- The blue one.
You're taking a
bathing suit, Sarge?
Why not, there may
be gambling outdoors.
One never knows! I heard.
Hey, Bilko, I've
got a good idea.
How about you and me go
partners on the roulette tables?
I've got a better idea, how
about you getting out of here?
Ok, but you'll be sorry.
After all my system
is based on astrology
and the stars know
more than we do.
- They do?
- Well figure it out for yourself.
We've been around 40 years,
and the stars they've
been around maybe 240.
Out! Out! Did you ever?
Well, you're all packed,
Sarge. All set, all right.
Line up the platoon,
I wanna talk to them.
- Right.
- For a briefing?
No, no, for a slight touch.
I wanna hit those
gambling casinos
with at least $300, come on!
- Sarge.
Doberman, where are
you going in that outfit?
- Yucca Flats.
- Oh, Yucca Flats, I forgot.
How do I look, Sarge?
Splendid, splendid, you look
like the true Hollywood version
of the United States soldier.
You'd be a credit to
any John Wayne movie.
- All right, Doberman out, scram.
- Hey, hey, scram?
Scram we say to a
fellow soldier? Indeed.
We say scram?
To a soldier who is about to
loan his Sergeant his last $50?
But, Sarge, I'm broke.
Here, here, Doberman, I happen
to know you had $50 yesterday.
Yes, but I had dinner
in Grove City last night.
- Now, Sarge?
- I think so.
- Out.
- Come on.
Hey, Ernie, only 2
more hours and we're off.
Hey, Sarge, do you think we'll
be able to get into Las Vegas?
Are you kidding? In 2
hours we'll be surrounded
by a bevy of
beautiful showgirls.
Hensh, do you see any
beautiful showgirls yet?
No, but he was half
right, we're surrounded.
Lay off you guys, will ya?
Las Vegas is only 40 miles away,
it might just as well be 4,000.
Now, keep quiet, I'll think
of something to get us there.
Come on, think.
Ernie, I got an idea.
What?
What if the General got a
telegram from the Pentagon
ordering you to Las Vegas?
It's not a bad idea.
But, tell me, who
sends this telegram?
- I do.
- Oh, you do?
How do you get out of
here to send the telegram?
- Well, that's where you come in.
- Me? Whadda you mean?
Well, you said you
would think of something.
Rocco, you really amaze me.
Just when I got you
pegged as an ordinary dope,
you come up with a
flash of real stupidity.
Hey, did you guys figure out a
way how to get out of here yet?
No, but we're working on it, we've
got 2 and a half brains working on it.
What have you got there?
Oh, I've gotta bring
some lunch over
to some big shot
scientist over at the lab.
Bilko, think of a way
to get me to Las Vegas.
Look, suppose we put
you in an atomic cannon,
and shoot you into Vegas.
Not a bad idea, Bilko.
But how can I be sure
that there'll be a net there
waiting to catch me?
Don't worry, Rupert.
Wherever you go, there'll be
somebody waiting with a net.
What is the purpose of this
procedure, Professor Von Zimmer?
Well, Professor Flander, in
this age of missiles and rockets,
the Army is using many many
different kinds of materials.
Now, the problem has
been to make all these
incompatible materials unite
through the use
of a magnetic force.
And you think this magnetizer
that you've
developed can do this?
Oh, absolutely.
Whatever passes between
this electrode and this electrode
becomes a magnet,
even a living thing.
A living thing?
Watch.
My hand is now completely
electro-magnetized,
it will attract anything.
Observe!
This fountain pen.
This glass.
This screw driver.
Amazing, absolutely amazing!
But how long can your
hand remain magnetized?
Oh, indefinitely, unless it
is neutralized with alcohol.
Alcohol may also be taken
internally for the same effect.
Alcohol will remove
the magnetic effect?
Oh yes, yes.
You see? Nothing happens.
It's simply fantastic!
Now, if you'll just come
this way, I'd like to show you
what we're doing in the field
of thermonuclear dynamics.
Professor Von
Zimmer, lunch, lunch.
Zzzzzzzz!!
Professor Von Zimmer? Oh
I might as well leave it here.
Zzzzzzzz!!
I think I blew a fuse.
I better get outta here.
There's gotta be a
way to get to Las Vegas.
But, Ernie, the General
said absolutely no passes.
I heard him. I heard him.
Yeah, and they've got
2 M.Ps at every gate.
I saw them. I saw them.
- So give up.
- I can't give up!
- The clicking keeps me up at night.
- What clicking?
The clicking of the dice,
the clicking of the high heels,
everything clicking, but ideas.
Take it easy, Ernie.
Roc, you've seen a
lot of those bad movies.
In the prison pictures, how
do they make a break for it?
Well, oh I saw
one the other night.
See, these 2 guys
want to escape,
so they hid in a laundry truck
and went right past the guards.
Laundry truck,
not bad, we'll try it.
But Ernie, this place
hasn't got a laundry truck.
No, but they've got a
garbage truck, haven't they?
A garbage truck?
Look, we don't want to get
to Vegas that bad, do we?
Of course not, but I
know somebody who does.
- Ritzik.
- Of course, now you're thinking.
But wait a minute,
Ernie, I don't get it.
How is this going
to get us to Vegas?
Look, Ritzik goes AWOL.
It's only fair for the General
to send his best friends
to bring him back, huh?
Wait a minute, Sarge, what
makes you think Ritzik will go for it?
Look, the minute he
thinks we're gonna do it,
he'll try to do it first.
- Who is it?
- It's me, fellas.
- Ritzik.
- Perfect.
It saves me the long
walk to the kitchen.
- Now, you know what to do.
- Right.
What is it Ritzik? We're busy.
Bilko, it's important. I've
got to show you something.
All right, but make it snappy,
because we're very busy.
- Look at this.
- What is it?
It's a wire cutter. Snip,
snip and I'm outside.
Oh, swell, snip, snip
and you're outside,
and once you're outside
bang, bang and you're dead.
They've got guns?
Of course, now look,
if you want to make your wife
happy, don't let us stop you.
But leave us alone now,
we're very busy discussing
something very important.
Now listen, we'll...
Hey, you got a plan, Bilko?
- Well.
- Shh!
Oh. No, no, we have no plan.
All right, I'll see
you around, fellas.
- So long.
- So long.
- So long, Rup.
- So long.
- Boy, that was close.
- I hope he didn't figure it out, Sarge.
I hope not, Rocco.
Hensh, what time does the
garbage truck leave in the morning?
About 7:00.
Good, they'd never
think anybody would hitch
a ride to Las Vegas
covered with garbage.
- When do we go, Ernie?
- The day after tomorrow.
We've gotta get there before
Ritzik breaks the casinos
with his roulette system.
Now remember, not a
word of this to anybody.
Now, we'll each get
into a garbage can...
Sgt. Ritzik? How did
he get past the guards?
In a what? Well, send
the MPs out after him.
If the wind's right,
they shouldn't have
any trouble finding him.
Come in.
Gen. Noonan, I'm sorry to report
but Sgt. Ritzik is missing, Sir.
Yes, I know Bilko.
Oh, then you know
about his amnesia, Sir?
His what?
Yes Sir, amnesia
resulted from a head wound
he received in Guadalcanal, Sir.
Oh, I didn't know.
Yes, and every time
he gets an attack
it wipes out the past 15 years,
and he reverts to being what he
was before he joined the Army, Sir.
- What was he?
- A garbage man, Sir.
That explains it.
I'm sending the MPs
to bring him back.
Oh, I was hoping you
wouldn't do that, Sir.
Why not?
Well, the sight of any unfriendly
faces might cause a shock,
and result in permanent
loss of memory, Sir.
You see, in the
past, it was always I
who went and
brought him back, Sir.
- You?
- Oh yes, Sir.
You can call Col. Hall
at Camp Fremont, Sir,
he'll verify it, Sir.
- Col. Hall's on leave.
- Oh darn, I forgot that.
Very well, Bilko, go get him.
If you're not back in 3 hours
I'll have the MPs
out after both of you.
- Sarge, you're crying?
- You don't understand.
This is my Disneyland.
- What about Ritzik?
- Oh, we'll find him later.
Right now let's get the
feel of the place, come on.
- Hey, kid.
- Yeah.
- How did yo do in there?
- I don't gamble.
Oh, this a nice place?
Sure, they give you
free drinks, everything.
- No kidding.
- Park the jeep.
Oh, here, get yourself
some cigarettes.
We're not doing
so well huh, Sarge?
I'm just warming up.
That downtown, that's
chicken feed, this is it.
The big leagues,
I'll fracture 'em.
- Come on.
- Yeah.
4 is the point,
shooting for the 4.
Come on, guys,
come on, little Joe.
- Huh.
- 7, the loser.
Well, we've almost used up the
time we had to get Ritzik back,
and we've lost $200!
All right, don't remind
me. Don't remind me.
We better find Ritzik
and get back to camp.
Look, we've got $5 left.
I'm desperate. What do we play?
Black jack. Black jack?
I'm not that desperate.
Not there, here, here, here.
Rupert, what are you doing?
I'm winning, I'm winning!
My system works!
You mean that crazy business
with the astrology works?
Yeah. Shh, come here, come here.
Place your bets, please.
I've won 8 out of 10 so far.
It's like that little white
ball is following me around.
- 8 out of 10?
- Yeah.
- A 35 to 1?
- Yeah.
- You must be rich.
- Yeah yeah.
- What's your winnings?
- $280.
200... and what are
you betting? Dollar bills?
Yeah.
Didn't you ever hear
of $20 bills, $30 bills?
What are you gonna play now?
Oh, let me see, I've gotta
figure it out, what time is it?
It's 5 o'clock.
5 o'clock and how
much do you weigh?
Mmh, 170 pounds.
- 170 divide 5 is 34.
- 34.
No, no I'm through yet.
Now, what month
were you born in?
- February.
- February, that's the second month.
Ah, 34 divided
by February is 17.
- 17.
- 17.
$5 on 17.
17, in here, here.
- The winner is No.17.
- 17.
Back, back, don't crowd this
genius, he's working, please.
Place your bets, whadda
we play now, 17 again?
Wait, wait. Croupier, what
month were you born in?
April.
April, that's Taurus, the Bull.
- Yeah.
- Good.
That's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.
Add 17 to 6, 23.
- 23.
- 23.
$200 on 23.
Hey, in case 23 comes
up, how much do we win?
Oh, please. How much?
How much, how much?
$7,000. $7,000.
23. Yeah!
Let's go, boys.
Here, here. Who do you think
you're manhandling, buddy?
Don't give us no trouble, Bilko.
Look, what battalion
are you with?
I may buy it and have you fired.
Croupier, ignore these
Cossacks, spin the wheel.
Ok, Mike, take 'em away.
- Henshaw, get the money.
- Right.
It's a million dollar
idea and we can't use it.
Take it easy, Ernie, you'll
have a nervous breakdown.
I don't care, I've gotta
realize my life's ambition.
Ever since I was a kid I
wanted a million dollars.
Will you keep your voice
down? You'll wake him up.
That's right. You're right.
The genius he's
got to get his rest.
Hey, Bilko. What is it, baby?
A glass of milk? A cup of tea?
I can't sleep. Can I go
back to my own bunk?
But you've gotta sleep,
you've gotta get your rest.
If you don't get your rest,
you're liable to get sick
and then what'll we do?
We'll have to take
him to a hospital,
that's what we'll do.
You've gotta get hold of
a stretcher and a blanket.
Get some white
sheets, tear 'em up.
Steady when he turns,
don't bump my patient.
- Yes, Doctor.
- Your pass, please.
Oh, we have no time
for that nonsense.
This man is in
critical condition.
I'm rushing him to the hospital
for an emergency locobotomy.
- Now, let us go.
- Who, who, who is here?
Don't touch him, if
your hand touched him,
I'd have to put that hand
in quarantine for 30 days.
Now let us go, please.
Sorry, doctor, Gen.
Noonan's orders.
Orders! This man is in pain.
Did the General order you to
let an American soldier suffer?
- Oh!
- Hold on.
In the name of Hippocrates,
let us through here.
Sorry, Doctor, I'll have to
check with Gen. Noonan first.
Gen. Noonan at 1
o'clock in the morning?
If I know the General
he'll put you on K.P.
for the rest of your life.
- What's going on here?
- I'm well.
The patient, he's the...
Wait, put on the
lights. Put on the lights.
Come on, you guys, get out of
here, he'll be back in 20 minutes.
Out, out, move.
Ok, Mullen, the
tunnel is 37 feet long
you and Ritzik have to dig
the last 3 feet yourselves.
Ok, you all set, Ritzik?
- Right.
- Come on, Mullen, come on.
- Give me a hand.
- Hold it.
I'll see that you get
some extra dough for this.
Oh gee, thanks,
Sarge. I'll tell the boss.
- What boss?
- John L. Lewis.
Here.
Bilko, if we weren't
short-handed around here
I'd slap you two in the
guardhouse and throw away the key.
Now, we're only going
to be here 2 more days.
- 2 days, Sir?
- That's right.
We'll start testing
the tanks tomorrow.
We'll work the clock around
so there'll be no
time for nonsense.
- Is that understood?
- Yes, Sir.
That's more like it. Dismissed.
Thank you, Sir.
Well, it looks like
we're cooked, Bilko.
We'll never get to Vegas now,
and me with my perfect system.
I know, I know, gimme a chance
to think, I gotta get to Vegas.
- How? How?
- I don't know how.
How? What... What's that?
Say, say.
- Bilko, you wouldn't?
- Who wouldn't, come on.
Come on, number
10, 1 and a big fat zero.
Folks, if this number wins
it's champagne for everybody.
- Oh, here.
- Number 10.
Bilko, how, how much
did we win so far?
How much, Bilko, how much?
$78,000.
- What are we gonna play next?
- Wait, wait.
Pardon me, please,
your champagne, Sir.
- Oh, here's the champagne.
- Champagne, help yourself, folks.
Help yourselves.
Oh, I'm sorry, Rupert.
- That's all right.
- All right, drink up.
Zzzzzzzzz!!!
Ooh, Ooh! What's the matter?
I don't know, I feel funny
like, like I got a shock.
Ah, you're not used
to good champagne.
- Place your bets, please.
- What, what, what number?
- Same number.
- Same number.
- Number 10.
- Come on, 10.
I've got to root this one end.
- Here, here.
- 34 red.
- What?
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
34 what kind of a crooked
wheel are you running here?
Take it easy, Bilko, I
must've miscalculated.
We'll double up, and we'll
get it up on the next number.
Ok, wait a minute,
are you sure, Rupert?
You're not going to fool
around with Pisces, come on.
- Number 10.
- Place your bets, please.
Move here, here. Come on.
Here. Come on, here.
33, black.
What number, Rupert?
See, I don't know. I don't know.
- Place your bets, please.
- Try number 11.
Oh, come on 11,
11, ones baby, 11.
- Double zero.
- That's us, two big fat zeros.
- All right, boys, let's go.
- Oh sure, now you show up.
Where were you 2 hours ago
when we could have used you?
Are we busted, Bilko?
You're busted, you and
that stupid system of yours.
Fortunately I was smart
enough to hold out 100 bucks.
Come on.
Just a minute,
Sergeant, just a minute.
What is this? $98.80, for what?
Champagne sport,
everybody drinks, remember?
You're gonna let this
civilian molest your prisoner?
- Give it up, buster!
- All right, here.
Wait a minute, I got change...
Wait a minute.
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:
Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.
Royal Beal as Gen. Noonan.
Nick Saunders as Cpt. Barker.
Nelson Olmsted as the Doctor.
Sanford McCauley
as Professor Flender,
and Leslie Littermee as
Professor Von Zimmer.
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