The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 3, Episode 4 - Bilko's Valentine - full transcript

Oh come on read it.

Yeah I read my
Valentine out loud.

But this is a very
personal Valentine.

Come on Edna. Open it.

All right but don't laugh.

Roses are red, violets are blue

I send you this Valentine
now you guess who?

- Who is it from Edna?
- George.

Hey Joan what did you
get from Bilko this year?

What I always get
from him, forgotten.

You mean you didn't get a thing.



Oh no, I got a Valentine
from Uncle Sam,

my re-enlistment papers.

When is your enlistment up?

- Tomorrow?
- Some Valentine.

Oh what did Bilko
give you last year?

Nothing, but I must
say he's consistent,

not only did he
forget Valentine's Day

he forgot Christmas
and New Years.

If he knew when my birthday
was he would forget that too.

I wouldn't put up
with a guy like that.

- Neither would I.
- It's terrible.

Ah there they are the
Army's secret weapon.

Beauty, the outside world
is such a drab, dreary place

when all the loveliness
is confined to this room.



I still don't know
how you put up with it.

- Joannie I brought this.
- Oh Ernie.

- You thought of me after all.
- What do you mean after all?

- Don't I always think of you?
- Oh I know I'm gonna love it.

Come on Joan open it up.

- Oh Ernie!
- What, whad I do?

It's a shirt for you Ernie.

Yes honey, I had it
made to order and dear

will you sew these
stripes on the sleeve

with the same little
stitches you always do?

Ernie Bilko, get out of here.

Look honey if you don't like
the shirt I can take it back.

Get out of here with that shirt.

Oh I know what's bothering her?

You think this is the
wrong colour khaki for me,

it washes out my
eyes. You may be right.

What's the matter with her?

You idiot, don't you
know what today is?

Today? Oh sure.

You don't think I would forget
an important day like today.

- Do you?
- All right, what day is it?

Oh it's your birthday.

Are you kidding, come on
everybody let's start the day off,

Happy Birthday, you thought
I'd forget your birthday.

Happy Birthday, come on.

It isn't your birthday?

Okay Sergeant, this office
is for official business only.

Wait a minute
look give me a hint.

It's your Father's Birthday

give him this shirt,
my compliments.

After today I don't
see how you can keep

Bilko's picture on your desk.

Yeah, just look
at this inscription,

"To Joan I think of you every
second, every minute, every hour,

every day." signed
your Ernie Boy.

He should be arrested
for false advertising.

Ernie boy's gotta a little
surprise coming to him.

- A surprise.
- Yes one he's not gonna like.

You see these enlistment papers.

Don't tell me you're
not gonna sign them.

Oh no, no I'm gonna sign them.

They're gonna be kept a secret.

Maybe the great lover
will change his ways

if he doesn't think I'm gonna
be around for the next 3 years.

Oh that will give him
something to think about.

You bet.

Every second, every
hour, every minute,

you Sss... Sergeant you.

How about it Grover
another hand?

- Deal me in?
- Okay Ritzik.

Oh Bilko you're too lucky.

You know what they say
lucky in cards, unlucky in love.

Why didn't one of your guys tell
me today was Valentine's Day?

I didn't know it was
Valentine's Day.

Hey Sarge how
come you didn't run

your annual Valentine Day Dance?

I ran it last November remember.

Girls get pretty sentimental
about Valentine's Day.

I'll bet you Joan was sore
that you didn't give her anything

- What did she say?
- What did she say?

She said what every
other girl would say.

She cried.

That's one thing that I can't
stand, that's a woman's tears.

Last night my wife
Emma, she started to cry

and I couldn't stand it.

I walked up to her I put my
arms around her, and said,

"Honey why don't
you cry in the kitchen.

I wanna watch TV."

That's great advice
to the lovelorn Ritzik,

but it doesn't apply
to Joan though.

When Joan cries it
means she's mad.

And brother when
she's mad watch out.

Let's cut out the
talk and play cards.

No I gotta go
back to the kitchen.

I got a thousand
cupcakes in the oven.

I wanna make
sure they don't drop.

Yeah, I got to run,
I'll see you later

Where are you
running to on Saturday?

Sarge, Sarge, you know
what I just heard Sarge?

What, what take it
easy, take it easy.

Oh he is such
an excitable Latin.

But Sarge, Sarge, I just got

the most terrible news
down at headquarters.

Oh no the Colonel found out
about my floating crap game

in the isolation ward.

No, no Sarge it's not that.

It's not that it
can't be so terrible.

What is it?

It's Joan Hogan,
her enlistment is up

and she's leaving the Army.

Joan is leaving the Army?

Really? What else is new?

Sarge, did you
hear what he said,

your girl is leaving the Army.

Well pull yourself together,

Ernie it only hurts
for a little while.

Yeah, maybe there
be another war,

then she'll have to come back.

- What are...
- What are you laughing at Sarge?

Didn't you hear, Joan
is leaving the Army.

Oh are you kidding, Joan
ain't leaving for any place.

Oh you're such
innocent poor souls.

Don't you get
it, this is a bluff.

- Do you really think so?
- Of course I know what happened.

It's Valentine day, I forgot it.

She's mad, she cried, now
she's lashing back at me.

She ain't lashing she's leaving.

Oh I know just how
her little mind works.

First she plants
the seed in his ear,

she knows what a blabber
mouth is on the other end.

She told me not to tell you.

Of course that's the way
she operates don't you see?

She's playing me like
she plays a barracuda.

Hey Henshaw, who did you
send over to headquarters

for the spare parts requisitions?
- Doberman.

Oh wait that presents a problem.

He is heavier than Paparelli,

he won't be able to
get back to me that fast.

Let me see the
headquarters is 4 furlongs.

He's got the news,
he's off and he is running

just past the parade
ground and made a wide turn,

coming in from the P.X.

Now he's running
through the barracks side.

Now he's made another turn.

He's come right out
the parade grounds.

He's coming onto the main
street, and is now into the stretch,

and it's 5, 4, 3, 2,1 watch out.

And the winner Beetlebomb.
- Sarge.

Just take a deep breath,
a deep breath Doberman.

Now what is it?

In a million years you'd
never guess what I just heard.

Well let me just
take a wild guess.

I'll just take a stab and see
if I know what you heard.

Ah I would say Joan
Hogan is leaving the Army.

Hey Sarge, that's right.

- And she told you not to tell me?
- But I didn't.

Neither did I.

Oh you jerks, you're
tools for Joan Hogan.

This is the way she operates.

Hey Paparelli what
train did she tell you

not to tell me she was taking?

She's not taking a 3:45.

I mean she is taking
the 3:45, only she ain't.

Don't you see this game? I
know how this girl operates.

She wants me to come
crawling down to the station,

apologize and beg
her to come back.

Hey Sarge, you gonna crawl?

- Not Ernie Bilko.
- Nobody bluffs me.

Anybody smell anything burning?

Oh! Oh you guys gonna help me.

I gotta get 1,000
cupcakes out of the oven.

Ooh, Ooh, Ooh.

I'll never forget the
look on Doberman's face

when you told him you
weren't gonna re-enlist.

Yeah, you think Bilko
will come crawling?

You can bet on it. I
know Ernie inside and out.

In fact that's what
I'm getting ready for.

Are all these papers
ready for filling?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Joan is she gone?

- Joan?
- Yes Ernie?

- Joan I just heard the news.
- Tell me it isn't true.

- It's true Ernie.
- It's true.

Oh Joan would you please
accept these flowers?

- Why thank you.
- And this box of candy

Well thank you.

- And this book.
- A book?

Well you want to read
something on the train.

Joan please, don't
take that 3:45 train,

the 1:30 train is a
much better one.

I know what you're going to say,

you haven't got
time to get ready.

I will have Doberman
pick you up in the jeep

he will help you pack.
- Get out of here.

Don't play cards with
strangers on the train.

Get out of here, Ernie
Bilko you're a beast.

What, I merely came here with...
- Just get out of here.

Just to give you..., oh
you're cuckoo, cuckoo.

Sarge, you got nerves of steel.

Practicing putting while
Joan is on her way to the train

right out of your life.
- Can you relax?

She ain't going any
place. Will you listen to me?

Read me the part about putting.

In putting it's important to
keep your eye on the ball

Eye on the ball.

Assume an easy relaxed
comfortable position.

Relaxed comfortable position.

- Sarge I'm back.
- Good boy.

- You picked Joan up in the jeep.
- Yeah I did.

Did you take her and
her bags to the station?

Yeah I did.

And when she saw I
wasn't there to apologize,

she asked you to take
her back to the camp, right.

No she took the train.

See I... why didn't
you stop her?

Why didn't you call me?

Take it easy barracuda,
you said she wouldn't go.

You like this dame,
did you hear anything

so underhanded in your life?

Telling me she's
gonna take the train,

then she actually takes
the train. You like that.

She gave a note
to give you Sarge.

Let me read. This
is probably the,

"Dear Ernie, at first I was
kidding about leaving the Army

but now I really
mean it. Goodbye."

- Goodbye?
- I'm sorry Sarge.

Tough break, Ernie
I know how you feel.

Yeah well you can save your
sympathy for some other jerk.

Look I've had enough of this.

I'll deal with this
then, she wants to go,

let her go, good
riddance. Who needs her?

There's a lot of
fish in the sea pal.

And I know just where to fish.

Read me... get out of
my way, this is not funny.

Read me about the strike.

Assume an easy relaxed
comfortable position.

Relaxed comfortable position.

When comfortable
gently tap the cup.

Tap it.

Wow! Look at all the girls, uh?

I'm supposed to
worry about Joan,

now with all the
girls in the world?

I just hope there's
enough of me to go around.

Hold it,

spread.

Oh yes before I was in the Army,

I was a refrigerator repairmen.

I always found out
most of the trouble

was caused by
the induction coil.

Excuse me Private, aren't
you from my home town.

Are you from Cedar Rapids too?

Sure... didn't you used to
fix my mother's refrigerator?

I could, that was my work.

- Of course your name is ah...
- Andy Kopellmeyer.

Right on the tip of my, well
Andy what are you doing here?

Why aren't you at
the Cedar Rapids

Get-together at the
Paradise Bar and Grill?

Cedar Rapids get together I
didn't know they were having one.

All the fellows are
there. You remember ah.

- Shorty Richards.
- Shorty asked about you and

- Chubby Dugan.
- He's there.

- And ah.
- I, I don't know who you mean.

Oh I forgot that

you don't know him
he just moved to town.

- Where did you say they were?
- At the Paradise Bar and Grill.

Can't miss it, it's just a
few blocks up the street.

- You'll hear the noise.
- Thanks soldier.

Aren't you going to the
Cedar Rapids get together?

I'd much rather get
together with you.

I like a fella with
a sense of humor.

- Well this is good.
- My name is Helen Johnson.

- Helen, nice name I like that.
- What's yours?

I'm Sgt. Ernest Bilko
and don't you try to get

any military secrets out of me.

Not that you couldn't
with those big blue eyes.

- Oh Sergeant you're just crazy.
- Oh this is your lucky night.

I have a jeep.

Why don't we go
in my convertible?

- Your convertible?
- Say I'm your boy come on Joanie.

- Joan?
- I mean Helen.

- Who's Joan?
- Ah what difference?

- I'm very bad with names.
- You're very bad with excuses.

Now look I knew a girl
named Joan, she left town.

She's home in Sumter where
she lives, she doesn't write to me.

- I don't write to her.
- We don't hear from each other.

- It's all over all right.
- Okay.

Well come on Joan. I
mean Helen come on.

No you mean Joan, you're
carrying a torch Ernie.

Look be smart sit down
and write Joan a letter

or better yet why
don't you phone her.

You'll feel better.
Good luck soldier.

Sarge how are you doing?

Hey Sarge we just met 3 dolls

and there's one you
will be crazy about.

- She's a redhead.
- Wow what a knockout.

- Beautiful being.
- And be unfaithful to Joan.

Why you miserable
out of sight out of mind.

But Sarge.

Yes Sir the name of
that town is Sumter, yes,

and it's person to
person Miss Joan Hogan.

And give this top
military priority.

Yes a soldier's
life is at stake here.

What how much is that. What?

$2.65 for 3 minutes?
Just a minute.

I'm spreading out my
change, here we go operator.

Here we go.

All right operator,
I'm I'm putting it in.

I am, I got all the
money spread out here.

Yes I could've reversed
these charges operator,

but I like to do cash.
Yes, yes here it comes.

Still on the line
now, all right here we.

Just a minute, just a minute.

All right how much
is that operator?

What? 65 cents more.

Will you take a stamp,
wait, wait, hold it,

don't hang up just a minute.

65 cents. Hey, soldier
give me 65 cents.

65 cents? For what.

- Do you wanna buy a watch here?
- I don't need a watch.

What are you talking about,
it's a genuine Swiss watch.

Self-winding, shock proof.
Self-winding waterproof.

- Come on give me 65 cents.
- What's the matter with it?

What's the matter with it?

Nothing we're forced to sell
we're going out of business.

Give me 65 cents, come on
you'll never get a buy like this.

- 65 cents?
- Yeah, yeah.

Here it is, here it is.

All right operator here
we go this is 65 cents.

Just a minute,
there is one quarter,

another quarter here we go.
- Is that it, okay?

Hello Joanie,
Joanie, this is Ernie.

I thought we made
a terrible mistake.

Hello Joan, hello, hello, hello.

Stop thief. Stop that thief.

Joan knew you were
calling long distance,

and she still
wouldn't talk to you?

You mean you kept
trying and trying and still...

oh boy she much
be good and sore.

Sarge would you like us
to get you some breakfast?

You must be starving.

Come on Sarge, I've never
seen you like this before.

Hey Sarge, Sarge, I'm
sorry but Capt. Witherspoon

wants these WAC recruiting
posters put up on all Army vehicles.

You wanna see 'em Sarge.

Look Paparelli I've
got my own problems,

he wants me to look at posters.

I, oh fellows remember how
cute she looked in her uniform.

Come on Sarge,
pull yourself together.

All right, all
right I'll be okay.

It's just that when I, I...

Please Sarge, take it easy.

I better get these put
up on all the trucks.

Wait a minute; let
me look at that poster.

The Army wants
you, join the WACs.

Hey, that's how I'll get back.

- Who?
- Joan.

But she won't even talk to you.

Sure she won't talk to me
but she'll talk to the Army.

Come in.

Sgt. Bilko reporting
to Capt. Witherspoon.

Oh yes Sergeant.

I wish to report that
all the recruiting posters

are on the trucks ma'am.
- Ah, good.

And if the Captain will
permit me to say so,

you're much more
attractive in person.

Those posters they
didn't quite capture

that sparkle in your eye ma'am.

Thank you, but that
isn't the picture of me.

Really well it is an
amazing likeness,

well I'll be back to my duty.

May I say one
more thing captain,

congratulations you're doing a
splendid job on WAC recruiting.

Oh thank you Sir.

After all I wouldn't
pay attention too much,

to what one person like
Gen. Hardy has to say oh.

Gen. Hardy?

He's unhappy with
my recruiting drive?

Oh then you know.
Well I'll be off.

Well no I don't know.
What did Gen. Hardy say?

I don't know if I should
be repeating this,

well the General seems to
think there should be more

personal contact in recruiting.

You know more person to person,

instead of just
doing it with posters.

But I wouldn't be
concerned Captain

you're doing a splendid job.
- Wait anything else?

Oh dear I do feel like
such a gossip monger.

But you know this much you
might as well know the rest.

The General seems to think

that the recruiting campaign
is much too spread out.

It should be concentrated on
one small typical American town.

Any town, a town like
well say ah, Sumter.

Good heavens that's
American as apple pie ma'am.

Sumter?

But it only has a
population of 800.

Well if the captain
wishes to take issue

with what Gen. Hardy has to say,

believe me you have
every right to do so ma'am.

- And I'll tell him so.
- Now wait Sergeant.

On second thought Sumter
seems like a splendid idea.

Oh dear I wish I could help you

and handle that
campaign for you ma'am.

You see it'll be like old times

I used to be in
recruiting, oh it was fun.

We got 'em in by droves. But
my duties here keep me so busy.

Er, Sergeant if I could
arrange for a temporary transfer.

I have one here, ma'am,
do you wanna sign it.

I carry it for
emergency in that area.

If you just sign that
Sir I'll be delighted.

Oh it will be fun serving
under you ma'am.

Hold still Joan I can't fix
the hem if you keep moving.

Isn't it wonderful Mother,

all my old dresses
are back in style again?

One nice thing about the Army

you didn't have to worry
about style changes.

By the way, whatever
happened to that

charming Sgt. Bilko
you were so crazy about?

Don't mention him to me mother,
I don't wanna hear his name.

- Sgt. Bilko?
- Ouch.

- Oh it's that painful.
- No honey, it's the pins.

You stuck me.

Well what's that?

Oh look it's a parade.

They're stopping
in front of our house.

Gather up. Turn off the music.

All right come on in girls,
come on in closer, all right.

Now girls, I suppose
you think I'm gonna make

a long speech about
how the Army needs you.

Well I'm not you need the
Army, every Sally, Irene and Joan.

And I repeat every
Sally, Irene and Joan.

How much does it pay?

Money is of no importance,

the glorious chance
to serve your country.

To become another Joan of Hogan.

Another Joan of Arc.

Do you get much
time off in the Army?

Well it's a mad
world of gay parties,

cotillions, dances, where
you live the life of a movie star.

You'll be another Joan Crawford.

Yes Uncle Sam wants
you, Joan now, join now.

Why if there's only one person
within the sound of my voice

who will sign up I will
be deeply rewarded.

- I'll join.
- Not you.

I appeal to you, heed
the call of your country.

Well it sounds good to
me, where do I enlist?

Will you please I'm
talking a little courtesy.

If there's an ounce
of decency in you,

you'll forgive and forget and
answer your country's call.

- Okay mister you sold me.
- Shut up.

Please a place for a
volunteer to re-enlist.

You slacker!

Where do I sign up now?

Do me a favor,
join the Girl Scouts.

Come on.

The Army WAC recruiting
show is on the air.

Today we bring you another
episode in the life of G.I Joan.

Was it a mistake for G.I
Joan to leave to Army?

Was it a mistake
for her to desert

the handsome Sergeant she loved?

Let's hear what happens.

G.I Joan, G.I
Joan, are you here?

Oh G.I Joe why
have you pursued me?

I've come to say 3 little words.

- At last say them G.I Joe.
- All right RE-EN-LIST.

Why did you do
that? It was so sad.

It was pathetic. And
my answer is still no.

It's no use Ernie, Joan ain't
gonna let you in the house.

Look, he's right
Sarge, nothing works.

She won't talk to you; she
didn't call you after the broadcast.

Let's forget about it.

Will you please? I'm
not just gonna give up.

We're going to camp
and she is coming with us.

Yes?

I beg your pardon madam,
do you have a daughter

between the ages of 18 and 34.
- Yes I have.

By George you're in luck.

We're conducting the door
to door recruiting campaign.

And this month we have a
special on re-enlistments.

I know you, aren't you,
Sgt. Bilko from Fort Baxter?

Oh good heavens
I'm. Why, have we met?

Well you know my
daughter, Joan Hogan.

Joan Hogan. Does she live here?

Did you hear that?

Is that the most
amazing coincidence?

- Amazing.
- This is Joan Hogan's house,

Well I never.

My, my Joan will certainly
be glad to see you.

Joan come here
quick look who's here.

Joan, I thought if
you listen to reason.

I can explain in a moment,
Joan, wait Joan, Joan will you let...

Joan can you hear
me. If you just let me...

Sarge, forget about it huh.

Look Sarge, she
don't want to see you.

I guess you're right.

Well we tried, let's
go back to camp.

I don't understand you Joan
not wanting to see Sgt. Bilko

after he came all the way
down here just to talk to you.

Mother I told you a 100
times the reason I left the Army

and won't go back is because
I don't want to see him.

But if you like
the Army so much,

couldn't you re-enlist and
serve someplace else?

I suppose if I wanted to, I
could ask for Foreign Service.

Oh that would be nice.

Maybe they could send you
to Paris, or Rome or London.

Paris, Rome, London.

Well at least there will
be an ocean between us.

- Between who?
- Between me and Bilko.

- Well goodnight.
- Goodnight Mummy.

Paris, Rome, London.

Huh new friends, new faces,

I won't even have time
to think about Bilko.

Paris, Rome.

Ah bonsoir Mademoiselle.

You are the new
WAC from America eh?

Welcome to the café Paris.
- Café Paris.

- Now I know I'm in Paris.
- Madamoiselle.

All the gentlemen have
been asking for you.

In fact one of them asked
me to give you this note.

"Cheri you have
set my heart on fire.

I implore you to let
me come to your table.

The Marquis de la Boudreaux."

The Marquis what a catch!

One of the oldest
families in France.

- You will see him?
- Oui.

- Oh.
- What did I do?

What did I say? These
Americans is cuckoo.

Oh bona sera Signorina.
Welcome to the café Roma.

Good evening Angelo,
oh, Rome is so exciting.

Signorina you are so lucky
to be here during carnival time

and tonight we
have the masked ball.

Mama mia, dobo espera.

Bella bellisimo.

Vino, musica. Pia cherrie.

Oh, bravo, bravo.

- Ah!
- Hey, what did I do?

Cuckoo.

No, no, no.

Ah good evening miss, welcome
to the café Savoy Buckingham.

Good evening Reginald.
Oh I just love, London.

Your usual table
overlooking the Thames

Yes.

Oh by the way young
Lord Fitzhugh was inquiring.

He begged me to ask,
could he join you for tea?

But of course.

Awfully sporting of
you to let me join you.

Not at all m' lord.

Jolly good show, well
actually oh pardon me.

There's a chap I
went to Eton with.

Dickie? Dickie over here.

Oh I say Rodney,
this is wizard what!

Oh there's a special old boy.

Oh Dickie may I introduce miss..

- How do you do?
- Ah!

Oh I say there's a queer one.

- No, no, no.
- Joan what is it?

Wake up dear. You
were screaming.

- You must have had a nightmare.
- Oh I did.

Oh mother, I made up my
mind no matter what I do,

I can't avoid Bilko. I'm
gonna re-enlist in the Army.

Oh it's so great to have
you back again in here.

So you decided, you
just couldn't live without

that big knuckle head huh?

Girls you won't believe this
but Bilko is a changed man.

I had a talk with him
as soon as I got back.

Attagirl Joan, don't let
him get away with this thing.

There she is, there she
is, there's my Joanie.

My girl is back.

Oh honey, honey we may
have acted foolishly in the past

but that's all behind us.

Especially me, I'll never
forget an important day again

Valentine's Day, Christmas.

- All right when is my birthday.
- June 9th.

- When was our first
date, - October 21st!

Thought you had me huh?

Here Joan these
are for you, all these.

And there's some
perfume your favorite kind

it fits you tigress.

- What's all this about?
- Are you kidding?

You don't think
that I would forget

a special occasion like this.

Your first day back in the Army.
Welcome back Helen.. Joan.

- Who's Helen?
- Hold it men, you know Helen.

Helen is a girl I met in
the USO, she's nothing.

Ernie, I hate you.

Look what; this girl is if it
wasn't for Helen I would have.

What is the matter with this?
She is cuckoo she is cuckoo.

There you go again you're crazy.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's show were:

Elisabeth Fraser as Joan.

Lydia Westman as Joan's mother.

Barbara Barrie as Edna.

Billie Alan as Billy.

Joe. E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.

Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover.

Guy Repp as the Maître
D'. Kay Lyder as Helen

and Gordon Polk
as Pvt. Cocklemeyer.