The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 3, Episode 32 - Bilko's Vacation - full transcript
The doctor orders Col. Hall to take a vacation. He also recommends that the Col. give Bilko and his platoon a furlough. Bilko makes a deal with Dimmeldorf's Lodge and suckers both the platoon and Col. & Mrs.Hall into vacationing there too.
(barking orders)
All right, all right,
I want all the brakes
on the jeeps re-lined.
Be sure to check the carburetors
and don't forget the spark
plugs and keep the noise down.
I'm doing paperwork here.
I've picked the
same horse 3 times.
- Ten-shun!
- As you were.
No time for formalities Bilko,
too much work to be done.
Company D is going on
maneuvers and they'll need
every weapons carrier,
truck and staff car
you can get in working
order by Monday.
Monday, well that means
we'll have to work Saturday Sir.
Good idea Bilko, I was
hoping you'd suggest it yourself.
Keep 'em rolling.
All right keep 'em running.
All right Fender look alive.
What's with you Paparelli, you
gonna be on that wiring all day?
What's with you Mullen,
haven't you got that
carburetor adjusted yet?
Sarge, I'm in trouble,
the fuel line's clogged up.
Oh what are ya screaming..
Let me look at this.
No wonder, your
points are dirty!
All you had to do...
Aggghhh! Aggghhh!
Look what I did!
Look what I did!
Where's that first
aid kit? Hurry up!
15 years in the Motor
Pool I finally did it.
- What happened, Sarge?
- What?
- I got grease on my hand.
- Ah.
- Is that all?
- Whadda ya mean is that all?
The next thing you know
I'll be rolling up my sleeve,
and then what am I, another
hairy arm in the crowd.
- It was just an accident Ernie.
- Oh no Hensh, let's face it.
It was no accident.
I was working again.
Listen Sarge, it can
happen to anybody.
We've all been working so hard,
nobody knows what they're doing.
- Maybe you're right.
Say, can anybody help me
with this distributor head?
- I can get..
- Here I'll fix it.
What..get that out of
here! Did you see that?
I did it again, I was...
oh that settles it,
I gotta do something about this.
What's that Sarge?
I gotta get off the post
till this thing blows over.
You mean your
annual vacation, Sarge?
- And I hope it's not too late.
- Another vacation?
You've had 6 annual
vacations this year already.
Hey Sarge, I didn't know
you were in the Army.
I thought you
were just visiting.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
That's kind of you
to show concern...
That's sweet... (mimics)
Get back to work you filthy...!
- Get outta here.
- They're right.
You ain't due for another
leave for at least 3 years.
The Colonel would
never let you got.
No, that's not my problem.
My problem is the Colonel
will never let me stay.
Whadda ya mean?
Look, if we work this right,
in 3 days the Colonel
will need a vacation.
Yeah, but he'll be gone
and you'll still be here.
No, use your head Hensh.
Would the Colonel leave
me on the post alone?
Don't you get it, this it's
the perfect double play, CBB!
CBB?
- Colonel to Bilko to Bermuda!
- Sarge, that's, that's...
Say it baby, don't be
ashamed, that's genius.
- Yeah.
- Come on, we got work to do..
All right, this is
the Colonel's jeep?
Yes Sarge. It's all finished.
Oh no you got it wrong,
it's just being started.
- Sarge, we just...
- Don't just me.
Here is what I want you to do.
I want you to install a double
super charged carburetor,
then give me a twin
dynamic exhaust
and fill the gas tank
with high octane gas.
The Colonel wants
that done to his jeep?
No, I want it done to his jeep.
Have it ready by 5 o'clock
that's when he's calling for it.
All right now let's go.
Here she is Sir, all
set and raring to go.
Good, and right on time.
I guess the only place I can
trust you is in the motor pool.
Well Sir, when you like what
you're doing it ceases to be work.
Did you get that
sluggishness out of it, Bilko?
I think we did the
best we could, Sir.
I think you'll find her as
snappy as a new recruit.
Good. I hate to dilly dally.
- Wow, look at him go!
- He just passed the P.X.
10 seconds he
oughta be in orbit.
Operation Vacation has begun.
Good heavens!
John, what happened?
Were you in an accident?
No, I was in a hot rod.
Hot rod, aren't you a little
old for that sort of thing?
Bilko doesn't think so.
John, would you
like some coffee?
No, ah you better
wait till I run down
I might break the cup.
Battle stations!
What was that?
What's going on out there?
Hey you men, what are you doing?
Did you see it, Sir?
Wasn't it exciting?
- Did I see what?
- The rocket, Sir.
At exactly 12:02 the
Ft. Baxter Rocket Club
launched its first
guided missile.
Oh it was thrilling Sir, as it
swished through the night
and it zoomed up,
up climbing, climbing.
Did you have to shoot it
off in front of my bedroom?
Well Sir your barbecue pit
was a perfect launching site.
Oh you sir look, look
into the Milky Way
you can still see its
tail, climbing, climbing.
Oh it's coming back.
Oh darn, this is embarrassing.
Well if it takes a thousand
launchings, we'll get it up Sir.
Back to the drawing board boys!
Bilko, forget the Rocket Club.
From now on, outer
space is off limits.
Off limits?
This is a dark
day for science Sir.
It is not day, it is
night and I need sleep.
- Yes Sir.
- Now get that barbecue pit
cleaned up and get back to your
barracks.
- Yes Sir.
Rockets, rockets
what other crazy thing
is he gonna think of?
Hey Sarge, any
word from the Colonel,
I mean about last night
for rocket launching?
Don't worry, I think we're
getting through to him.
Everything's all set
down the Rec. Hall Sir.
Splendid, gentlemen,
the final phase
of Operation Vacation
is about to begin.
Meet me at the Rec.
Hall, bring the costumes.
- You got the guys set?
- Right.
Come on.
Would you like some warm milk
before I put out the lights dear?
No thanks I'll have no
trouble sleeping tonight,
and don't worry there
won't be a repetition
of last night's
rocket launching.
Did you speak to
Sgt. Bilko today?
I certainly did and I
think it did some good.
Last I heard he's
finally putting some
of his energy to good use.
He's rehearsing a
play at the Rec. Hall.
Oh isn't that wonderful.
What play is it?
Charley's Aunt that
ought to keep him quiet.
- Goodnight, Nell.
- Goodnight dear.
That sounds like the M.Ps.
Can't a person get
one night's sleep here?
What is going on?
Coming... coming!
Coming... coming.
I'll never get any sleep.
What's the meaning of this?
I'm sorry to disturb you Sir,
but we caught a woman in the
Rec. Hall running a crap game.
A woman on my
post? Bring her in Ed.
Will you, you beast, will you?
- Like a wildcat, Sir.
- Bilko!
Sir, it's all a mistake.
We were merely
rehearsing Charley's Aunt.
You know the big gambling
scene in the second act?
There isn't any gambling
scene in Charley's Aunt.
Well there is now.
Sir, I took the liberty of
doing a little re-writing.
Will you please explain
to these low brows?
It was all in the
pursuit of art, Sir.
- Did we make a mistake, Sir?
- No.
I made the mistake 10 years
ago in volunteering for this post.
- Get him back to his barracks.
- But Sir, I'm $10 I mean...
- Get him out of here!
- The show must go on!
Get him out of here!
Young man, will you
drive me to my barracks?
Come on.
Your pulse and blood
pressure are fine, Sir.
It just seems to be a
case of jangled nerves.
Jangled?
Why they're stretched
out like violin strings
and Bilko is playing
on them 24 hours a day.
Bilko, eh, I should have
recognized the symptoms.
Tell me Captain, with all the
advances of medical science,
why don't they find
something to stop Bilko?
Well, there is only one
thing I can prescribe,
you've gotta get away
from Bilko for awhile,
why don't you take
a 2 week leave?
Yeah, that's it. No, I couldn't.
With me gone, Bilko would
probably put up a movie screen
on the drill field and
turn the whole post
into a drive-in theatre.
I see, why not give Bilko
and the whole platoon
leave at the same time.
The whole platoon?
That's a wonderful idea.
With the platoon gone,
Bilko wouldn't have
anybody to take advantage of.
- You could relax.
- Yes.
2 weeks away from Bilko.
Look at that, my nerves
are happier already,
2 weeks away from Bilko!
The whole platoon?
That's what the
order says Ernie.
Starting Saturday the whole
platoon goes on a 2 week leave.
Ain't that great?
Now we can all go.
Thinking of yourself again, huh?
Selfish..if the whole
platoon goes away on leave,
who's gonna be left
to finance my trip?
That's right, they'll
be using their money
for their own vacation.
How could the
Colonel do this to me,
after I made it possible
for him to go away?
Go be a nice guy, huh?
I guess we'll have
to spend our vacation
right here in Roseville.
What else are we
gonna... wait a minute.
Not while there's still
Dimmeldorf's Lodge.
- Dimmeldorf's Lodge?
- Oh not again, Ernie!
What's wrong with
Dimmeldorf's Lodge?
We had a good time up there
last year, it's in the mountains.
It's cool and I understand
they put in a new
2-hole golf course.
Dime! Dime! Dime!
Dime Here dime quickly!
Ernie Bilko sure I remember,
my favorite Social Director.
This year?
I'm sorry Ernie, I don't
need Social Directors,
I need customers
yeah business is terrible.
How do you like this? Even
Dimmeldorf's pooped out.
I'm sorry to hear business
is so bad Mr. Dimmeldorf.
Hey Sarge will you hurry
up with the phone please?
Will you please, I'm
talking long distance.
Me too, I've gotta
make my reservations.
I'm taking my wife
to Atlantic City.
Use the phone in
the P.X, come on.
Okay, oh boy, 2
weeks in Atlantic City.
Well, Mr. Dimmeldorf,
wait a minute, just a minute.
Fender and his wife,
the rest of the platoon,
Mr. Dimmeldorf, what
would it be worth to you
if I fill your cabins
for the next 2 weeks?
It would?
All right pal, start
sweeping out your cabins,
we'll be up there this Saturday.
Hey Sarge, did
Dimmeldorf go for it?
All the way, all I've gotta do
is guarantee him 20 customers
and we get a cabin
to ourselves free.
But Ernie everybody
has different plans.
They might not wanna
go to Dimmeldorf's.
Please I'm the dealer,
when I want a house full,
I deal a full house, come on.
2 weeks, I can't get
over it, a 2 week leave.
Yeah this is the first one
I'm gonna have off the post.
Thanks to Bilko, every
time I had a leave,
my money left before me.
Yeah, but this time
we go Bilko stays.
What do you mean Bilko stays?
Hey Bilko's broke.
He can't go anyplace!
Hey Dino, come here,
where're you going?
Sunny Catalina, I hope
these trunks aren't too daring.
They're short shorts.
Where are you goin' Fleischman?
- Paradise!
- Paradise?
- Any place Bilko ain't.
- Yeah.
There they are my
happy band of warriors
about to leave their
life of Spartan discipline
for 2 weeks of gaiety.
You can can the chatter, Sarge.
We're not givin' you any money.
- Not a dime.
- Who cares about money?
Just the thought that my
boys are out there somewhere
having fun, fun that's
all I have to know.
I ask you one favour send
an occasional postcard.
Gimme a stamp.
Oh hold it, before you make
plans for your vacations,
a few places have
been declared off limits.
- Off limits?
- What do you mean?
What..you're screaming at me.
I don't make the rules,
the Army makes the rules.
You got that off limit list?
- Right here.
- Here it is.
The following places
are off limits, Pigalle.
- Pigalle?
- Where's that?
- Yeah ain't that in Paris?
- Yes it is in Paris yes.
Hey I remember that
place, I was there.
Talk about nightlife, I was
once walking down the street,
see and this French
girl walks over to me.
Hold that, hold that Zimmerman.
May I remind you the
French are our allies?
I'm not gonna say
anything unfriendly.
See that you don't, remember
this place is off limits..Pigalle.
Nobody's goin' to Paris Sarge.
Good enough for me just
that you obey the rules.
The next place they
have down is the Casbah.
- The Casbah?
- Where's that?
- Algiers, North Africa.
- Algiers?
I don't have to tell you
boys what goes on there.
Those smoky filled dens,
those exotic women with the veils
with the long tight bloomers
with their dum, dum, dum.
Oh Sarge.
Doberman, sorry I
didn't see you there.
I just wanted to tell the boys
why the Army doesn't
want them to go there.
Nobody is goin'
any of these places.
We're not?
Good enough for me
just see that you don't.
And remember the
following places are off-limits,
Pigalle, the Casbah,
and Dimmeldorf's Lodge.
Put this on the billboard.
Wait a minute,
Dimmeldorf's Lodge?
That's right Dimmeldorf's Lodge.
- Where's that?
- Where is it Rocco?
Well you turn left at the
gate, you take route 29,
switch off to the Jefferson
Parkway and you get off at exit 32.
- Thank you.
- What goes on there, Sarge?
Who knows, they've
been raided so many times
they keep changing
their program.
This place has a
reputation. Oh I see it.
I see your little mind
chugging Paparelli.
You're saying to yourself,
maybe I can't
afford to go to Paris.
Maybe I can't afford
to go to the Casbah,
but who's goin' to
stop me from goin'
to Dimmeldorf's Lodge.
- Sarge I...
- Well, you can't.
It may be all right
for a fun-loving civilian
to have an abandoned
carefree 2 weeks,
but you, you have a
reputation to uphold.
Sarge, I was just saying.
Say that you, just a minute
formation (barks orders)
Take this following oath with
me. Raise your right hand!
- But Sarge.
- Raise your right hand.
I solemnly swear not to go to
Dimmeldorf's Lodge on my leave.
I solemnly swear not to go to
Dimmeldorf's Lodge on my leave.
No matter how much
I may be tempted.
All right, have a good time
on your vacation, dismissed.
Have a good time.
That's 10 we got
right, we need more.
How about Fender and his wife?
That's 2 more.
How about Fender and
his wife and his kids?
That's 8 more! Dimmeldorf's
Lodge here they come.
Have you got the
cereal boxes ready?
- All set Sarge?
- And you know what to do?
- Right.
- Good.
Sarge, here comes Fender.
Right places, look
alive everybody!
- You want me Sarge?
- Fender buddy boy how are you?
What is it Sarge, I gotta
get packed for Atlantic City.
You're gonna wear
this on the boardwalk?
Stunning! Stunning!
Boy, what a vacation, just
me and my wife in Atlantic City,
- Sort of a second honeymoon!
- Ah huh!
You know the first one
I didn't enjoy too much.
He's full of wise cracks,
well just you and
Hattie on vacation.
I guess she sent the
kids away to camp?
Oh no, they're
gonna stay at home
with their Grandmother
in Brooklyn.
Smart, smart, then just you
and Hattie have a ball, right.
Say, I haven't seen the
picture of your kids in sometime,
have you got one on you?
- Oh I do I always carry it.
- Proud father!
There you are.
Oh aren't they adorable,
can you see that Roc?
Did you ever, what are
you doin', pulling my leg?
- What do you mean?
- Are you kiddin'?
You cut this out of a
motion picture magazine.
These, these are
William Holden's children.
No Sarge, they're
mine and Hattie's.
You're not fooling?
That's my oldest,
Raoul, there's Olivia,
Bentley, Claude, Cynthia
and that's the baby Tab.
Aren't they
magnificent creatures?
Well, it's easy to see
who they resemble.
Oh Sarge.
- Say, I got a crazy idea.
- What is it?
It might be fun,
why don't you let me
take the kids with
me on my vacation?
You wanna take my
kids on your vacation?
- Yes.
- Why?
Oh I don't know kids,
they make you feel young.
- Well I don't know.
- Oh what about it Fender?
Okay if that's what you want.
But you've got to pay
for everything they break.
- Then I can take the kids with me?
- You got 'em.
These are the cereal boxes Ernie
with the Beautiful
Child entry blank.
Not now Henshaw! Not now!
Then I can take the kids
with me on my vacation?
Wait a minute, what
Beautiful Child contest?
Oh nothing, nothing,
you with your big mouth.
Look, these kids'll come...
Wait a minute, what
about this contest?
He hadda.. All right
I'll level with you.
Every year the Puffy
Fluffy Cereal Company
runs a most
Beautiful Child contest
up at Dimmeldorf's Lodge
and the first prize is $10,000.
And you were gonna
take my beautiful children
to Dimmeldorf's Lodge
and enter 'em as yours?
Well I was just being greedy.
I'll admit I was going
to exploit your children.
Why do I do these things?
- It's a sickness with me.
- That's just like you.
Cashin' in on my kids,
how low can you get?
But Sam I was
gonna split it with you.
Oh gee.
- Now what's the total now..18?
- 18 yeah.
We need 2 more. Take a wire.
Col. John T. Hall,
Ft. Baxter Kansas.
Ernie not the Colonel.
Why not the Colonel, why?
He's gotta go on
vacation, doesn't he?
It's lovely at
Dimmeldorf's Lodge
and he'll enjoy himself,
everything he likes is up there,
swimming, tennis, fishing.
He'll have the time of his life.
You're gonna make
him go with a telegram?
Shh! Shh!
Um, as newly appointed
district commander
I am calling a 2 weeks staff
meeting of all my officers
up at my lodge
at Chipmunk Falls,
and sign that Gen. Dimmeldorf.
- Sarge.
- You try, you try.
Tenting Tonight,
Tenting Tonight...
John you haven't stopped singing
since you decided
to go on leave.
I know. It's getting away
from Bilko that does it.
Give me 2 weeks away from
Bilko and I'll turn into Pat Boone.
Why did you decide not
to go to Old Point Comfort?
We've been going
there for 20 years.
And Bilko knows it,
I don't want to run any
chances of meeting him.
You know what the Doctor said.
How did you ever find
the place we're going to?
Well, I looked through
the ads in the newspapers
to find the most obscure,
out of the way place I can find.
And there it was
on the back page,
in a tiny little ad
Dimmeldorf's Lodge.
I've never heard of it before.
Well, that's the beauty
of it. Nobody else has.
Oh don't you
mention it to a soul
until we're safely up
in Chipmunk Falls.
No, you know I never would.
Oh it's just a precaution,
well I'll go and pack.
- Tenting Tonight, Tenting tonight.
- Come in.
- Oh Sgt. Bilko?
- Good evening Mrs. Hall.
Oh fellows darn
it it we're too late,
Mrs. Hall is back
from her vacation.
Did you ever see such a
lovely complexion in your life?
Sgt. Bilko we
haven't even left yet.
You haven't, then it's too
late for us to offer you this
Bon Voyage gift as a
token of our affection.
Well, Sgt. Bilko isn't
that sweet of you?
I must apologize for the peaches
they don't have
your lovely glow.
Well I hope there's
no last minute change
in your vacation plans.
I know whenever I
plan to go on a vacation
I always get one of those
last minute nasty telegrams.
The Colonel didn't
get a telegram did he?
Oh why thank goodness, no.
Did you send it?
Did you send it?
Yeah I did sent it.
Oh I see your packing, I
hope you have some snugglies.
It gets very cold up
in Old Point Comfort.
Oh we're not going this year.
We're going to
Dimmeldorf's Lodge, oh.
Dimmeldorf?
Oh I wasn't supposed to
tell you that please forget it.
Oh my lips are sealed.
Cancel the telegram immediately.
Oh I'll get that.
- Yes.
- Western Union.
It's right down the
street you'll find it.
Somebody from the
Western Union soliciting funds,
they know how generous
the Colonel can be.
Why doesn't somebody
answer the bell?
What are you doing here Bilko?
I was just answering
the door, Sir.
Oh I'll get this. I have
some change Sir.
- Telegram Col. Hall.
- Yes my man there you are.
Oh dear I hope
it isn't bad news.
I'll take that telegram Bilko.
Good heavens!
There's a mistake here.
This is addressed
to Capt. John Ball.
Let me see.
It's as plain as the
nose on your face.
Can't you read here, it's Cpt.
John Ball Ft. Dix, New Jersey?
Now you have a bicycle
get on your way there.
But I... (barking order)
Never mind Sir, have
a good vacation Sir.
- You too.
- Have a good time.
- I'm on my way to pack.
- Good bye.
Good fun, good fun you kids.
How did he pick up the
Dimmeldorf's Lodge?
I may open a travel
bureau. Let's go.
Over Hill Over Dale As
We Hit The Dusty Trail.
Hey, can't you
go a little faster?
Step on it, Fleischman's
catching up.
Look fellas I'm doin' 70 now.
Hey you think Dimmeldorf's
Lodge will be any good?
It's off limit ain't it?
That means anything
goes, step on the gas!
Over Hill, Over dale.
Hattie.
Bentley sit back
your father is driving,
play ghost with your
brothers and sisters.
I'd like to know, I
really would Sam,
why are we going
to Dimmeldorf's?
Really why, why aren't we
going to Atlantic City, why Sam?
I told you a thousand times
we got 6 beautiful children.
We're gonna win
thousands of dollars.
- I want an ice cream cone.
- No. No.
I told you no ice cream
until after the contest.
You gotta watch your figures.
All right. Okay.
We're On Our Way To Dimmeldorf's
Dimmel, Oh Dimmel.
We're On Our way To Dimmeldorf's
All The Dimmel Day,
All The Dimmel Day!
Hey, Hensh you're goin' too fast
you're startin' to
catch up with 'em.
Hey we sure got a
nice turnout Ernie.
You know I don't know
whether to ask Dimmeldorf
for a cabin or a
full partnership.
Hey Sarge what's gonna happen once the
platoon finds out it's a respectable place,
and Fender finds out there's
no Beautiful Child contest.
Yeah and the Colonel finds out
he's gotta spend a
vacation with you.
Oh it'll jar him
for a little while,
then we'll all have a good laugh
and then its 2 weeks
of fun in the sun.
- Eh he!
- Heading Up For Dimmeldorf's.
Dimmel, Dimmel.
- We're On Our Way To Dimmeldorf's.
- There.
The road certainly
is crowded tonight.
I wonder if everybody's
going to Dimmeldorf's Lodge?
- I hardly think so.
- I hope it's a nice place.
It's got to be, has one of the
greatest attractions
in the world there.
No, Bilko!
Everybody up for your first
glorious day at Dimmeldorf's Lodge!
Everybody up, there'll
be volley ball, soft ball,
swimming and Cha-Cha
lessons in the game room.
Everybody up the
sun is shining..up.
Pardon me Mr. Dimmeldorf,
when is the Beautiful Child contest?
Where do we sign up our kids?
- What Beautiful Child contest?
See, I told you
there was no contest.
I told you I wanted to go
Atlantic City no good... you gotta..
- All right.
- There's no contest.
You know the Beautiful
Child contest, the $10,000 one,
the one that you have here
every year for Puffy Fluffy Cereal.
There's no beautiful
child contest.
I told you there was no
Beautiful Child contest.
I wanted to go to Atlantic city
no you had to come
here Dimmeldorf.
- Go inside please.
- Don't tell me to go inside now
that you've defeated nature boy.
3 cases of poison, I'm a
silencer, you're lucky I'm not a nag!
Believe me, 3 cases of
poison, oh, get back to bed.
So, what about the contest?
Oh we have a potato race
for the kiddies on Saturday,
the first prize is a lollipop.
- Potato race?
Hurry up you'll be
late for breakfast.
- Up everybody up!
- Look, Mr. Dimmeldorf.
Hey what a great day, huh?
I don't mind getting up early to
have breakfast with beautiful girls!
- Paparelli, Zimmerman.
- Fender, what're you doing here?
I'm here with my wife and kids.
This is no place for
your wife and kids.
- It's off limits.
- Yeah.
What do you mean off limits?
I have a very nice clientele.
I even have an Army Colonel
staying in the next cottage.
A Colonel staying here?
Oh what a beautiful morning,
and I'm going to take a picture.
Oh what a lovely scenery.
Oh, Paparelli just
step aside there a little,
and Fender you're blocking...
Zimmerman, Fender,
Mullen, where am I?
What are you men doing here?
- I came because of Bilko.
- So, did we.
A fine man that Bilko he told me
he was bringing
all his friends here.
I might have known.
He sent me too.
Oh no, he didn't dear.
You picked this place yourself
right out of the newspaper.
I thought I picked it,
but it was Bilko's idea.
- He's finally got it Nell.
- He's controlling my thought waves.
By the way Colonel,
I took the liberty
of putting Bilko at your table,
so you can all be together.
You mean Bilko's here?
You bet he's my personal
guest for the next 2 weeks.
Everybody up!
So, that's why he
wanted us up here
so he could get a free vacation.
Well this is the last one
he is gonna get out of me.
- I'm getting out of here.
- Me too.
- I'm going to Atlantic City.
- Let's check outta here.
- Just a minute men.
- Yes Sir.
This looks like a nice place.
There's no reason why you
couldn't all have a good time here.
Not with Sgt. Bilko around Sir.
I think I can arrange for
Bilko not to be around.
- You can?
- How Sir?
Never mind, you go
have your breakfast.
- Leave everything to me.
- Oh thank you Sir.
Thank you.
Are you going to order Sgt.
Bilko back to the post John?
No, he'd find a way
to get out of that.
Nell, I'm going
to think like Bilko.
You don't live with a
magician for 10 years
without learning a few tricks.
- What are you going to do John?
I'm gonna send myself a wire.
And when Bilko gets it, he'll
scoot right back to the post.
Well how will Sgt.
Bilko, get your telegram?
Nell, Bilko always gets
my telegrams before I do.
Let's see now, "To
Col. John T. Hall
as per our conversation,
we at MGM studios have decided
to use Fort Baxter
for background shots.
For our latest production,
"The Princess Takes A Rookie."
The Army has assured
us its fullest co-operation.
We will require
scenes in the Mess Hall,
on the Rifle Range, in the
Motor Pool, etcetera, etcetera.
Naturally we would
like to get as many shots
of the men actually
on the job as possible.
We would like to start
shooting tomorrow morning.
- Tomorrow morning?
- How do you like this?
MGM at Fort Baxter, my big break
I'm stuck here at
Dimmeldorf's Lodge.
Any answer Col. Hall?
- Who?
- Col. Hall.
Colonel, why I'm Captain Ball.
I thought he said... why don't
you learn to enunciate young man.
Here, deliver this.
Do you know where
I can find Col. Hall?
Yes, I think he's out in
the woods taking a hike.
Find him..he's a very
big tipper, run, run!
We've gotta get packed
and head back to the post.
But Ernie wait, we just
started our vacation here?
What do you want, a sun tan
or a 7 year contract at MGM?
Listen to me. I
know what I'm doing.
Pasternack, we're coming!
- Oh Sir Col. Hall.
- Are you sure?
- I saw him, going...
- The Colonel must have done it.
What is it men?
Bilko's gone. He's
packed and left.
Did you hear that Nell?
- I did it, I did it.
- All together fellas.
For He's A Jolly Good Fellow.
For He's A Jolly Good Fellow.
For He's A Jolly Good Fellow
Which Nobody Can Deny!
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's show were:
Hope Sansberry as Mrs. Hall,
Betty Walker as Mrs. Fender,
Joseph Leon as Mr. Dimmeldorf,
Fred Stewart as Capt. Masters
and Nick Saunders
as Capt. Barker.
All right, all right,
I want all the brakes
on the jeeps re-lined.
Be sure to check the carburetors
and don't forget the spark
plugs and keep the noise down.
I'm doing paperwork here.
I've picked the
same horse 3 times.
- Ten-shun!
- As you were.
No time for formalities Bilko,
too much work to be done.
Company D is going on
maneuvers and they'll need
every weapons carrier,
truck and staff car
you can get in working
order by Monday.
Monday, well that means
we'll have to work Saturday Sir.
Good idea Bilko, I was
hoping you'd suggest it yourself.
Keep 'em rolling.
All right keep 'em running.
All right Fender look alive.
What's with you Paparelli, you
gonna be on that wiring all day?
What's with you Mullen,
haven't you got that
carburetor adjusted yet?
Sarge, I'm in trouble,
the fuel line's clogged up.
Oh what are ya screaming..
Let me look at this.
No wonder, your
points are dirty!
All you had to do...
Aggghhh! Aggghhh!
Look what I did!
Look what I did!
Where's that first
aid kit? Hurry up!
15 years in the Motor
Pool I finally did it.
- What happened, Sarge?
- What?
- I got grease on my hand.
- Ah.
- Is that all?
- Whadda ya mean is that all?
The next thing you know
I'll be rolling up my sleeve,
and then what am I, another
hairy arm in the crowd.
- It was just an accident Ernie.
- Oh no Hensh, let's face it.
It was no accident.
I was working again.
Listen Sarge, it can
happen to anybody.
We've all been working so hard,
nobody knows what they're doing.
- Maybe you're right.
Say, can anybody help me
with this distributor head?
- I can get..
- Here I'll fix it.
What..get that out of
here! Did you see that?
I did it again, I was...
oh that settles it,
I gotta do something about this.
What's that Sarge?
I gotta get off the post
till this thing blows over.
You mean your
annual vacation, Sarge?
- And I hope it's not too late.
- Another vacation?
You've had 6 annual
vacations this year already.
Hey Sarge, I didn't know
you were in the Army.
I thought you
were just visiting.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
That's kind of you
to show concern...
That's sweet... (mimics)
Get back to work you filthy...!
- Get outta here.
- They're right.
You ain't due for another
leave for at least 3 years.
The Colonel would
never let you got.
No, that's not my problem.
My problem is the Colonel
will never let me stay.
Whadda ya mean?
Look, if we work this right,
in 3 days the Colonel
will need a vacation.
Yeah, but he'll be gone
and you'll still be here.
No, use your head Hensh.
Would the Colonel leave
me on the post alone?
Don't you get it, this it's
the perfect double play, CBB!
CBB?
- Colonel to Bilko to Bermuda!
- Sarge, that's, that's...
Say it baby, don't be
ashamed, that's genius.
- Yeah.
- Come on, we got work to do..
All right, this is
the Colonel's jeep?
Yes Sarge. It's all finished.
Oh no you got it wrong,
it's just being started.
- Sarge, we just...
- Don't just me.
Here is what I want you to do.
I want you to install a double
super charged carburetor,
then give me a twin
dynamic exhaust
and fill the gas tank
with high octane gas.
The Colonel wants
that done to his jeep?
No, I want it done to his jeep.
Have it ready by 5 o'clock
that's when he's calling for it.
All right now let's go.
Here she is Sir, all
set and raring to go.
Good, and right on time.
I guess the only place I can
trust you is in the motor pool.
Well Sir, when you like what
you're doing it ceases to be work.
Did you get that
sluggishness out of it, Bilko?
I think we did the
best we could, Sir.
I think you'll find her as
snappy as a new recruit.
Good. I hate to dilly dally.
- Wow, look at him go!
- He just passed the P.X.
10 seconds he
oughta be in orbit.
Operation Vacation has begun.
Good heavens!
John, what happened?
Were you in an accident?
No, I was in a hot rod.
Hot rod, aren't you a little
old for that sort of thing?
Bilko doesn't think so.
John, would you
like some coffee?
No, ah you better
wait till I run down
I might break the cup.
Battle stations!
What was that?
What's going on out there?
Hey you men, what are you doing?
Did you see it, Sir?
Wasn't it exciting?
- Did I see what?
- The rocket, Sir.
At exactly 12:02 the
Ft. Baxter Rocket Club
launched its first
guided missile.
Oh it was thrilling Sir, as it
swished through the night
and it zoomed up,
up climbing, climbing.
Did you have to shoot it
off in front of my bedroom?
Well Sir your barbecue pit
was a perfect launching site.
Oh you sir look, look
into the Milky Way
you can still see its
tail, climbing, climbing.
Oh it's coming back.
Oh darn, this is embarrassing.
Well if it takes a thousand
launchings, we'll get it up Sir.
Back to the drawing board boys!
Bilko, forget the Rocket Club.
From now on, outer
space is off limits.
Off limits?
This is a dark
day for science Sir.
It is not day, it is
night and I need sleep.
- Yes Sir.
- Now get that barbecue pit
cleaned up and get back to your
barracks.
- Yes Sir.
Rockets, rockets
what other crazy thing
is he gonna think of?
Hey Sarge, any
word from the Colonel,
I mean about last night
for rocket launching?
Don't worry, I think we're
getting through to him.
Everything's all set
down the Rec. Hall Sir.
Splendid, gentlemen,
the final phase
of Operation Vacation
is about to begin.
Meet me at the Rec.
Hall, bring the costumes.
- You got the guys set?
- Right.
Come on.
Would you like some warm milk
before I put out the lights dear?
No thanks I'll have no
trouble sleeping tonight,
and don't worry there
won't be a repetition
of last night's
rocket launching.
Did you speak to
Sgt. Bilko today?
I certainly did and I
think it did some good.
Last I heard he's
finally putting some
of his energy to good use.
He's rehearsing a
play at the Rec. Hall.
Oh isn't that wonderful.
What play is it?
Charley's Aunt that
ought to keep him quiet.
- Goodnight, Nell.
- Goodnight dear.
That sounds like the M.Ps.
Can't a person get
one night's sleep here?
What is going on?
Coming... coming!
Coming... coming.
I'll never get any sleep.
What's the meaning of this?
I'm sorry to disturb you Sir,
but we caught a woman in the
Rec. Hall running a crap game.
A woman on my
post? Bring her in Ed.
Will you, you beast, will you?
- Like a wildcat, Sir.
- Bilko!
Sir, it's all a mistake.
We were merely
rehearsing Charley's Aunt.
You know the big gambling
scene in the second act?
There isn't any gambling
scene in Charley's Aunt.
Well there is now.
Sir, I took the liberty of
doing a little re-writing.
Will you please explain
to these low brows?
It was all in the
pursuit of art, Sir.
- Did we make a mistake, Sir?
- No.
I made the mistake 10 years
ago in volunteering for this post.
- Get him back to his barracks.
- But Sir, I'm $10 I mean...
- Get him out of here!
- The show must go on!
Get him out of here!
Young man, will you
drive me to my barracks?
Come on.
Your pulse and blood
pressure are fine, Sir.
It just seems to be a
case of jangled nerves.
Jangled?
Why they're stretched
out like violin strings
and Bilko is playing
on them 24 hours a day.
Bilko, eh, I should have
recognized the symptoms.
Tell me Captain, with all the
advances of medical science,
why don't they find
something to stop Bilko?
Well, there is only one
thing I can prescribe,
you've gotta get away
from Bilko for awhile,
why don't you take
a 2 week leave?
Yeah, that's it. No, I couldn't.
With me gone, Bilko would
probably put up a movie screen
on the drill field and
turn the whole post
into a drive-in theatre.
I see, why not give Bilko
and the whole platoon
leave at the same time.
The whole platoon?
That's a wonderful idea.
With the platoon gone,
Bilko wouldn't have
anybody to take advantage of.
- You could relax.
- Yes.
2 weeks away from Bilko.
Look at that, my nerves
are happier already,
2 weeks away from Bilko!
The whole platoon?
That's what the
order says Ernie.
Starting Saturday the whole
platoon goes on a 2 week leave.
Ain't that great?
Now we can all go.
Thinking of yourself again, huh?
Selfish..if the whole
platoon goes away on leave,
who's gonna be left
to finance my trip?
That's right, they'll
be using their money
for their own vacation.
How could the
Colonel do this to me,
after I made it possible
for him to go away?
Go be a nice guy, huh?
I guess we'll have
to spend our vacation
right here in Roseville.
What else are we
gonna... wait a minute.
Not while there's still
Dimmeldorf's Lodge.
- Dimmeldorf's Lodge?
- Oh not again, Ernie!
What's wrong with
Dimmeldorf's Lodge?
We had a good time up there
last year, it's in the mountains.
It's cool and I understand
they put in a new
2-hole golf course.
Dime! Dime! Dime!
Dime Here dime quickly!
Ernie Bilko sure I remember,
my favorite Social Director.
This year?
I'm sorry Ernie, I don't
need Social Directors,
I need customers
yeah business is terrible.
How do you like this? Even
Dimmeldorf's pooped out.
I'm sorry to hear business
is so bad Mr. Dimmeldorf.
Hey Sarge will you hurry
up with the phone please?
Will you please, I'm
talking long distance.
Me too, I've gotta
make my reservations.
I'm taking my wife
to Atlantic City.
Use the phone in
the P.X, come on.
Okay, oh boy, 2
weeks in Atlantic City.
Well, Mr. Dimmeldorf,
wait a minute, just a minute.
Fender and his wife,
the rest of the platoon,
Mr. Dimmeldorf, what
would it be worth to you
if I fill your cabins
for the next 2 weeks?
It would?
All right pal, start
sweeping out your cabins,
we'll be up there this Saturday.
Hey Sarge, did
Dimmeldorf go for it?
All the way, all I've gotta do
is guarantee him 20 customers
and we get a cabin
to ourselves free.
But Ernie everybody
has different plans.
They might not wanna
go to Dimmeldorf's.
Please I'm the dealer,
when I want a house full,
I deal a full house, come on.
2 weeks, I can't get
over it, a 2 week leave.
Yeah this is the first one
I'm gonna have off the post.
Thanks to Bilko, every
time I had a leave,
my money left before me.
Yeah, but this time
we go Bilko stays.
What do you mean Bilko stays?
Hey Bilko's broke.
He can't go anyplace!
Hey Dino, come here,
where're you going?
Sunny Catalina, I hope
these trunks aren't too daring.
They're short shorts.
Where are you goin' Fleischman?
- Paradise!
- Paradise?
- Any place Bilko ain't.
- Yeah.
There they are my
happy band of warriors
about to leave their
life of Spartan discipline
for 2 weeks of gaiety.
You can can the chatter, Sarge.
We're not givin' you any money.
- Not a dime.
- Who cares about money?
Just the thought that my
boys are out there somewhere
having fun, fun that's
all I have to know.
I ask you one favour send
an occasional postcard.
Gimme a stamp.
Oh hold it, before you make
plans for your vacations,
a few places have
been declared off limits.
- Off limits?
- What do you mean?
What..you're screaming at me.
I don't make the rules,
the Army makes the rules.
You got that off limit list?
- Right here.
- Here it is.
The following places
are off limits, Pigalle.
- Pigalle?
- Where's that?
- Yeah ain't that in Paris?
- Yes it is in Paris yes.
Hey I remember that
place, I was there.
Talk about nightlife, I was
once walking down the street,
see and this French
girl walks over to me.
Hold that, hold that Zimmerman.
May I remind you the
French are our allies?
I'm not gonna say
anything unfriendly.
See that you don't, remember
this place is off limits..Pigalle.
Nobody's goin' to Paris Sarge.
Good enough for me just
that you obey the rules.
The next place they
have down is the Casbah.
- The Casbah?
- Where's that?
- Algiers, North Africa.
- Algiers?
I don't have to tell you
boys what goes on there.
Those smoky filled dens,
those exotic women with the veils
with the long tight bloomers
with their dum, dum, dum.
Oh Sarge.
Doberman, sorry I
didn't see you there.
I just wanted to tell the boys
why the Army doesn't
want them to go there.
Nobody is goin'
any of these places.
We're not?
Good enough for me
just see that you don't.
And remember the
following places are off-limits,
Pigalle, the Casbah,
and Dimmeldorf's Lodge.
Put this on the billboard.
Wait a minute,
Dimmeldorf's Lodge?
That's right Dimmeldorf's Lodge.
- Where's that?
- Where is it Rocco?
Well you turn left at the
gate, you take route 29,
switch off to the Jefferson
Parkway and you get off at exit 32.
- Thank you.
- What goes on there, Sarge?
Who knows, they've
been raided so many times
they keep changing
their program.
This place has a
reputation. Oh I see it.
I see your little mind
chugging Paparelli.
You're saying to yourself,
maybe I can't
afford to go to Paris.
Maybe I can't afford
to go to the Casbah,
but who's goin' to
stop me from goin'
to Dimmeldorf's Lodge.
- Sarge I...
- Well, you can't.
It may be all right
for a fun-loving civilian
to have an abandoned
carefree 2 weeks,
but you, you have a
reputation to uphold.
Sarge, I was just saying.
Say that you, just a minute
formation (barks orders)
Take this following oath with
me. Raise your right hand!
- But Sarge.
- Raise your right hand.
I solemnly swear not to go to
Dimmeldorf's Lodge on my leave.
I solemnly swear not to go to
Dimmeldorf's Lodge on my leave.
No matter how much
I may be tempted.
All right, have a good time
on your vacation, dismissed.
Have a good time.
That's 10 we got
right, we need more.
How about Fender and his wife?
That's 2 more.
How about Fender and
his wife and his kids?
That's 8 more! Dimmeldorf's
Lodge here they come.
Have you got the
cereal boxes ready?
- All set Sarge?
- And you know what to do?
- Right.
- Good.
Sarge, here comes Fender.
Right places, look
alive everybody!
- You want me Sarge?
- Fender buddy boy how are you?
What is it Sarge, I gotta
get packed for Atlantic City.
You're gonna wear
this on the boardwalk?
Stunning! Stunning!
Boy, what a vacation, just
me and my wife in Atlantic City,
- Sort of a second honeymoon!
- Ah huh!
You know the first one
I didn't enjoy too much.
He's full of wise cracks,
well just you and
Hattie on vacation.
I guess she sent the
kids away to camp?
Oh no, they're
gonna stay at home
with their Grandmother
in Brooklyn.
Smart, smart, then just you
and Hattie have a ball, right.
Say, I haven't seen the
picture of your kids in sometime,
have you got one on you?
- Oh I do I always carry it.
- Proud father!
There you are.
Oh aren't they adorable,
can you see that Roc?
Did you ever, what are
you doin', pulling my leg?
- What do you mean?
- Are you kiddin'?
You cut this out of a
motion picture magazine.
These, these are
William Holden's children.
No Sarge, they're
mine and Hattie's.
You're not fooling?
That's my oldest,
Raoul, there's Olivia,
Bentley, Claude, Cynthia
and that's the baby Tab.
Aren't they
magnificent creatures?
Well, it's easy to see
who they resemble.
Oh Sarge.
- Say, I got a crazy idea.
- What is it?
It might be fun,
why don't you let me
take the kids with
me on my vacation?
You wanna take my
kids on your vacation?
- Yes.
- Why?
Oh I don't know kids,
they make you feel young.
- Well I don't know.
- Oh what about it Fender?
Okay if that's what you want.
But you've got to pay
for everything they break.
- Then I can take the kids with me?
- You got 'em.
These are the cereal boxes Ernie
with the Beautiful
Child entry blank.
Not now Henshaw! Not now!
Then I can take the kids
with me on my vacation?
Wait a minute, what
Beautiful Child contest?
Oh nothing, nothing,
you with your big mouth.
Look, these kids'll come...
Wait a minute, what
about this contest?
He hadda.. All right
I'll level with you.
Every year the Puffy
Fluffy Cereal Company
runs a most
Beautiful Child contest
up at Dimmeldorf's Lodge
and the first prize is $10,000.
And you were gonna
take my beautiful children
to Dimmeldorf's Lodge
and enter 'em as yours?
Well I was just being greedy.
I'll admit I was going
to exploit your children.
Why do I do these things?
- It's a sickness with me.
- That's just like you.
Cashin' in on my kids,
how low can you get?
But Sam I was
gonna split it with you.
Oh gee.
- Now what's the total now..18?
- 18 yeah.
We need 2 more. Take a wire.
Col. John T. Hall,
Ft. Baxter Kansas.
Ernie not the Colonel.
Why not the Colonel, why?
He's gotta go on
vacation, doesn't he?
It's lovely at
Dimmeldorf's Lodge
and he'll enjoy himself,
everything he likes is up there,
swimming, tennis, fishing.
He'll have the time of his life.
You're gonna make
him go with a telegram?
Shh! Shh!
Um, as newly appointed
district commander
I am calling a 2 weeks staff
meeting of all my officers
up at my lodge
at Chipmunk Falls,
and sign that Gen. Dimmeldorf.
- Sarge.
- You try, you try.
Tenting Tonight,
Tenting Tonight...
John you haven't stopped singing
since you decided
to go on leave.
I know. It's getting away
from Bilko that does it.
Give me 2 weeks away from
Bilko and I'll turn into Pat Boone.
Why did you decide not
to go to Old Point Comfort?
We've been going
there for 20 years.
And Bilko knows it,
I don't want to run any
chances of meeting him.
You know what the Doctor said.
How did you ever find
the place we're going to?
Well, I looked through
the ads in the newspapers
to find the most obscure,
out of the way place I can find.
And there it was
on the back page,
in a tiny little ad
Dimmeldorf's Lodge.
I've never heard of it before.
Well, that's the beauty
of it. Nobody else has.
Oh don't you
mention it to a soul
until we're safely up
in Chipmunk Falls.
No, you know I never would.
Oh it's just a precaution,
well I'll go and pack.
- Tenting Tonight, Tenting tonight.
- Come in.
- Oh Sgt. Bilko?
- Good evening Mrs. Hall.
Oh fellows darn
it it we're too late,
Mrs. Hall is back
from her vacation.
Did you ever see such a
lovely complexion in your life?
Sgt. Bilko we
haven't even left yet.
You haven't, then it's too
late for us to offer you this
Bon Voyage gift as a
token of our affection.
Well, Sgt. Bilko isn't
that sweet of you?
I must apologize for the peaches
they don't have
your lovely glow.
Well I hope there's
no last minute change
in your vacation plans.
I know whenever I
plan to go on a vacation
I always get one of those
last minute nasty telegrams.
The Colonel didn't
get a telegram did he?
Oh why thank goodness, no.
Did you send it?
Did you send it?
Yeah I did sent it.
Oh I see your packing, I
hope you have some snugglies.
It gets very cold up
in Old Point Comfort.
Oh we're not going this year.
We're going to
Dimmeldorf's Lodge, oh.
Dimmeldorf?
Oh I wasn't supposed to
tell you that please forget it.
Oh my lips are sealed.
Cancel the telegram immediately.
Oh I'll get that.
- Yes.
- Western Union.
It's right down the
street you'll find it.
Somebody from the
Western Union soliciting funds,
they know how generous
the Colonel can be.
Why doesn't somebody
answer the bell?
What are you doing here Bilko?
I was just answering
the door, Sir.
Oh I'll get this. I have
some change Sir.
- Telegram Col. Hall.
- Yes my man there you are.
Oh dear I hope
it isn't bad news.
I'll take that telegram Bilko.
Good heavens!
There's a mistake here.
This is addressed
to Capt. John Ball.
Let me see.
It's as plain as the
nose on your face.
Can't you read here, it's Cpt.
John Ball Ft. Dix, New Jersey?
Now you have a bicycle
get on your way there.
But I... (barking order)
Never mind Sir, have
a good vacation Sir.
- You too.
- Have a good time.
- I'm on my way to pack.
- Good bye.
Good fun, good fun you kids.
How did he pick up the
Dimmeldorf's Lodge?
I may open a travel
bureau. Let's go.
Over Hill Over Dale As
We Hit The Dusty Trail.
Hey, can't you
go a little faster?
Step on it, Fleischman's
catching up.
Look fellas I'm doin' 70 now.
Hey you think Dimmeldorf's
Lodge will be any good?
It's off limit ain't it?
That means anything
goes, step on the gas!
Over Hill, Over dale.
Hattie.
Bentley sit back
your father is driving,
play ghost with your
brothers and sisters.
I'd like to know, I
really would Sam,
why are we going
to Dimmeldorf's?
Really why, why aren't we
going to Atlantic City, why Sam?
I told you a thousand times
we got 6 beautiful children.
We're gonna win
thousands of dollars.
- I want an ice cream cone.
- No. No.
I told you no ice cream
until after the contest.
You gotta watch your figures.
All right. Okay.
We're On Our Way To Dimmeldorf's
Dimmel, Oh Dimmel.
We're On Our way To Dimmeldorf's
All The Dimmel Day,
All The Dimmel Day!
Hey, Hensh you're goin' too fast
you're startin' to
catch up with 'em.
Hey we sure got a
nice turnout Ernie.
You know I don't know
whether to ask Dimmeldorf
for a cabin or a
full partnership.
Hey Sarge what's gonna happen once the
platoon finds out it's a respectable place,
and Fender finds out there's
no Beautiful Child contest.
Yeah and the Colonel finds out
he's gotta spend a
vacation with you.
Oh it'll jar him
for a little while,
then we'll all have a good laugh
and then its 2 weeks
of fun in the sun.
- Eh he!
- Heading Up For Dimmeldorf's.
Dimmel, Dimmel.
- We're On Our Way To Dimmeldorf's.
- There.
The road certainly
is crowded tonight.
I wonder if everybody's
going to Dimmeldorf's Lodge?
- I hardly think so.
- I hope it's a nice place.
It's got to be, has one of the
greatest attractions
in the world there.
No, Bilko!
Everybody up for your first
glorious day at Dimmeldorf's Lodge!
Everybody up, there'll
be volley ball, soft ball,
swimming and Cha-Cha
lessons in the game room.
Everybody up the
sun is shining..up.
Pardon me Mr. Dimmeldorf,
when is the Beautiful Child contest?
Where do we sign up our kids?
- What Beautiful Child contest?
See, I told you
there was no contest.
I told you I wanted to go
Atlantic City no good... you gotta..
- All right.
- There's no contest.
You know the Beautiful
Child contest, the $10,000 one,
the one that you have here
every year for Puffy Fluffy Cereal.
There's no beautiful
child contest.
I told you there was no
Beautiful Child contest.
I wanted to go to Atlantic city
no you had to come
here Dimmeldorf.
- Go inside please.
- Don't tell me to go inside now
that you've defeated nature boy.
3 cases of poison, I'm a
silencer, you're lucky I'm not a nag!
Believe me, 3 cases of
poison, oh, get back to bed.
So, what about the contest?
Oh we have a potato race
for the kiddies on Saturday,
the first prize is a lollipop.
- Potato race?
Hurry up you'll be
late for breakfast.
- Up everybody up!
- Look, Mr. Dimmeldorf.
Hey what a great day, huh?
I don't mind getting up early to
have breakfast with beautiful girls!
- Paparelli, Zimmerman.
- Fender, what're you doing here?
I'm here with my wife and kids.
This is no place for
your wife and kids.
- It's off limits.
- Yeah.
What do you mean off limits?
I have a very nice clientele.
I even have an Army Colonel
staying in the next cottage.
A Colonel staying here?
Oh what a beautiful morning,
and I'm going to take a picture.
Oh what a lovely scenery.
Oh, Paparelli just
step aside there a little,
and Fender you're blocking...
Zimmerman, Fender,
Mullen, where am I?
What are you men doing here?
- I came because of Bilko.
- So, did we.
A fine man that Bilko he told me
he was bringing
all his friends here.
I might have known.
He sent me too.
Oh no, he didn't dear.
You picked this place yourself
right out of the newspaper.
I thought I picked it,
but it was Bilko's idea.
- He's finally got it Nell.
- He's controlling my thought waves.
By the way Colonel,
I took the liberty
of putting Bilko at your table,
so you can all be together.
You mean Bilko's here?
You bet he's my personal
guest for the next 2 weeks.
Everybody up!
So, that's why he
wanted us up here
so he could get a free vacation.
Well this is the last one
he is gonna get out of me.
- I'm getting out of here.
- Me too.
- I'm going to Atlantic City.
- Let's check outta here.
- Just a minute men.
- Yes Sir.
This looks like a nice place.
There's no reason why you
couldn't all have a good time here.
Not with Sgt. Bilko around Sir.
I think I can arrange for
Bilko not to be around.
- You can?
- How Sir?
Never mind, you go
have your breakfast.
- Leave everything to me.
- Oh thank you Sir.
Thank you.
Are you going to order Sgt.
Bilko back to the post John?
No, he'd find a way
to get out of that.
Nell, I'm going
to think like Bilko.
You don't live with a
magician for 10 years
without learning a few tricks.
- What are you going to do John?
I'm gonna send myself a wire.
And when Bilko gets it, he'll
scoot right back to the post.
Well how will Sgt.
Bilko, get your telegram?
Nell, Bilko always gets
my telegrams before I do.
Let's see now, "To
Col. John T. Hall
as per our conversation,
we at MGM studios have decided
to use Fort Baxter
for background shots.
For our latest production,
"The Princess Takes A Rookie."
The Army has assured
us its fullest co-operation.
We will require
scenes in the Mess Hall,
on the Rifle Range, in the
Motor Pool, etcetera, etcetera.
Naturally we would
like to get as many shots
of the men actually
on the job as possible.
We would like to start
shooting tomorrow morning.
- Tomorrow morning?
- How do you like this?
MGM at Fort Baxter, my big break
I'm stuck here at
Dimmeldorf's Lodge.
Any answer Col. Hall?
- Who?
- Col. Hall.
Colonel, why I'm Captain Ball.
I thought he said... why don't
you learn to enunciate young man.
Here, deliver this.
Do you know where
I can find Col. Hall?
Yes, I think he's out in
the woods taking a hike.
Find him..he's a very
big tipper, run, run!
We've gotta get packed
and head back to the post.
But Ernie wait, we just
started our vacation here?
What do you want, a sun tan
or a 7 year contract at MGM?
Listen to me. I
know what I'm doing.
Pasternack, we're coming!
- Oh Sir Col. Hall.
- Are you sure?
- I saw him, going...
- The Colonel must have done it.
What is it men?
Bilko's gone. He's
packed and left.
Did you hear that Nell?
- I did it, I did it.
- All together fellas.
For He's A Jolly Good Fellow.
For He's A Jolly Good Fellow.
For He's A Jolly Good Fellow
Which Nobody Can Deny!
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's show were:
Hope Sansberry as Mrs. Hall,
Betty Walker as Mrs. Fender,
Joseph Leon as Mr. Dimmeldorf,
Fred Stewart as Capt. Masters
and Nick Saunders
as Capt. Barker.