The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 3, Episode 31 - Bilko Retires from Gambling - full transcript

(barking orders)

How'm I doing Hensh?

You're all packed Sir.

You're a good boy.

Oh Chicago you
lucky city here I come.

I may destroy the entire loop.

- My address book!
- Which one?

Vol.2, the Midwest edition.

I may spread out to
Fort Wayne, I don't know.

Here but look Ernie how
are you going on leave

with only 4 bucks
in your pocket?



Oh I'm planning a
poker game for tonight.

I'll invite the usual
Traveler’s Aid Society.

Grover, Ritzik, and Coogan.

But they took a solemn oath
never to play cards with you again.

He's right Ernie, the last time
you won 13 hands in a row

and Ritzik quit forever.

13, that's will do
it, they'll play again.

You know how
superstitious they are.

Superstitious? I don't get it.

Look all I gotta do is convince
them this is their lucky day.

Let's see.

I need my astrology
book, and a 4 leaf clover.

But how come Ritzik
is so superstitious?

Oh he explained it to me.



You see 15 years ago
he walked under a ladder,

sure enough 2 days
later he was married.

Ah Rupert there he is fellas.

The Picasso of
the pots and pans.

- What do you want Bilko?
- Oh how does he do it?

Day in and day out he
performs his miracles.

With just those spices up
there, is that how you do it?

Oh yeah that spices up there
is the best one, right there.

Ah it's amazing,
how does he perform

this culinary magic
day in, day out.

Save your breath Bilko,
I ain't playing tonight.

Oh how can you play,
I'm leaving for Chicago

first thing in the morning.

Of course when I get back maybe.

Nothing doing, I ain't
playing with you no more

till something happens
to change my luck.

You can't blame him for
that, a man shouldn't play,

unless he feels lucky.

- Don't you agree?
- That's right, sure.

- Ooh! Ooh!
- What is it?

Eh nothing, nothing.

Oh well I'll run along.

What time is it Rocco?

7 minutes after 11.

How do you like that?

Its 7/11 well I must be off.

Well Grover how are you?

Forget it Bilko I'm
not playing poker

besides you've got
the whammy on me.

Francis what am I
going to do with you

whammy, hexes, superstitions.

First thing you know you'll be
trying to give me the evil eye.

If I thought it would work Bilko

you'd have disappeared long ago.

Oh it works all right.

I know a guy in Haiti once,

he used to get such headaches.

Don't kid about the evil eye,
that's a serious thing with me.

See you later fellows.
What's the matter with you?

- Grover, look!
- What is it?

It's a 4 leaf clover.

I didn't say anything to
Bilko but I found it in the soup.

- No kidding!
- Yeah.

What's more it happened
exactly 7 minutes after 11.

7/11.

Yeah that's the sign
I've been waiting for.

I gotta get Bilko to
poker game tonight.

Hey Grover what
are you thinking.

Bilko accidentally
gave me an idea.

- What idea?
- The Evil Eye.

Oh you know how it works.

Yeah I've seen it a
Lon Chaney picture.

Well I don't think
we should tamper

with the mysterious
supernatural forces

beyond the realm of
human comprehension.

I saw the picture too.

Hey how are you
Coogan old buddy?

Beat it Bilko, I'm busy.

Wait a minute, where's your
camaraderie for a fellow Sergeant?

I lost it last week along with

27 hard earned
bucks in a poker game.

Pal, it isn't my fault I was just
born under a lucky star is it?

Look at me telling
him about lucky stars

he's an expert on astrology.

- Isn't it that right?
- So?

Well, it's a wonderful
science, isn't it.

I get my horoscope from an
astrologist up at Mount Palomar.

He's wonderful,
he seldom misses,

it's practically
inside information.

- Sarge, they're here, they're here.
- Oh good my horoscope

got here. I was afraid it
wouldn't get here in time.

You see I'm leaving for Chicago,

I wanna see if the stars
says it's safe for me to travel.

What does it say Ernie.

Dear Scorpio your financial
stars in the ascendancy tonight.

Play your strongest
gambling hunches

before Scorpio and
Sagittarius meet.

What does it say
about travelling?

Nothing, oh no wonder
he's got it wrong,

I'm not Scorpio,
I'm Taurus the bull.

- That's funny I...
- What?

- What about...
- Nothing, nothing.

Oh darn it, now
I'll have to call

my astrologist long
distance come on.

Give me the Mess Hall.

Oh what a lucky break, maybe
Bilko isn't Scorpio but I am!

Hallo, Ritzik, Coogan,
listen I gotta hunch.

We've gotta get Bilko
on a poker game tonight.

Yeah, yeah Coogan
tonight we're gonna take him.

See you later.

Grover, how're you doing?

Pretty good, let me
try the Evil Eye on you.

- Oh no.
- Oh just a small one.

Rupert I wanna see if it works.

- All right but be careful.
- Okay.

Ooh! Ooh!

I'm getting a headache
hey you better stop.

Oh that's nothing, imagine
what's gonna happen

when I give Bilko the
Evil Eye with all my might.

Yeah.

Hey Sarge it's almost 7
o'clock and they're still not here.

Relax Rocco they'll be here.

You gotta have
faith in their stupidity.

Well maybe I better
go look for them huh.

Will you, will you I
said they will be here.

Aha Henshaw, let the
moths in closer to the flame.

- Hey Bilko.
- Hey Bilko.

Hey fellows, what
are you doing here?

Friday night is our
regular poker game.

I know but didn't you
guys take a solemn oath

never to play again.

Oh hey you didn't take
us seriously did you?

We were only kidding.

Our Friday night poker
is a tradition at Baxter.

I know I know but fellas
I'm leaving in the morning,

there's a lot of
packing to be done.

A lot of last minute
details, you know the...

What's the matter
with your head Bilko?

I don't know suddenly
it started to throb.

Oh that's too bad.
Ain't it Grover?

- Yeah let's get started.
- Yeah let's get started.

Okay gee I don't know fellows.

Come on Bilko.

Gee fellows I hadn't
planned on playing tonight.

Rocco.

I don't like this Henshaw,
they must've heard.

Heard what Ernie?

That I broke a mirror today.

Deal, deal, deal.

Astrology, aah.

You and your 4 leaf clover.

Well your Evil Eye didn't
work so good, either.

Didn't huh, well I
got a headache.

Oh come on.

Yes Mrs. Ritzik.

You're absolutely right, and
I will do something about it.

- Anything wrong Sir?
- Bilko, he did it to Ritzik again.

Barker, we've got to stop him.

We've got to stop
Bilko from gambling.

I've been thinking about
it Sir and I've got an idea.

It's rather extreme.

Forget it, they'll never let us
get away with a firing squad.

Colonel, have you ever
heard of Paul Draylin?

Paul Draylin?

Yes Sir, he's a
gambling consultant,

one of the world's
greatest card manipulators.

Now I have an idea
that could stop Bilko

from gambling once and for all.

- Bilko stopped.
- I'll be a hero at the Pentagon.

Amazing Mr. Draylin,
you're our last hope

for stopping Sergeant Bilko.

- This Bilko does he cheat?
- No he doesn't have to.

- He just bamboozles everybody.
- I know the type.

Come in.

You sent for us Sir.

Yes, Mr. Draylin this is
Sgt. Grover and Sgt. Coogan.

How do you do, Sir?

Men how would you like to see
Bilko beaten in a poker game.

Oh Sir more than
anything else in the world.

Good then go ahead Mr. Draylin.

Sergeants you and I are
going to play a game of poker.

Poker Sir.

It's all right we have a
plan, sit down Sergeants.

Will you please cut the cards?

Cut 'em as many
times as you like.

That's the idea, thank you.

I'm going to deal out 5 cards,

I want you to watch
me very carefully.

Will you please tell
me what you've got?

4 Kings.

What would you do if you had

a hand like that
in the poker game?

- I'd bet every cent I got.
- And you'd lose.

I just dealt myself 4 aces.

- Ooh!
- He fixed the deck.

Well what did I tell you Sir.

Now who is the worst
poker player on the post?

Ritzik.

Good we won't let him in on it.

But at the next poker game,

Ritzik is going to give Bilko
the biggest beating of his life.

Bilko beaten are you sure?

Remember men this
is classified information.

(barking orders) Look alive!

Bilko is back.

- Oh joy.
- Yippee!

Hurray!

Thank you for your enthusiasm.

- Ernie, Ernie.
- Hey.

How was Chicago?

That's the way to greet a
Sergeant, you sour pusses!

- How are you son?
- Fine.

What's goin' on in the casino?

Poker game, Coogan,
Ritzik, and Pavaloni.

Pavaloni?

Yeah new guy transferred
from Camp Davis.

- Oh any money on the table.
- Eeh there's enough.

What are we waiting for?

Won again!

- Hiya pigeons.
- Hey Sarge.

- Hey Hensh.
- Look who's back?

Oh the big wind from Chicago.

It's nice to be back
among friends again.

You're new around here, huh?

Yeah Pavaloni's the name.

Yeah, mind if I sit in.

Oh lay off Bilko, I'm winning
for the first time in 2 years.

Ritzik is winning, this is
one game I've got be in.

Why don't you wait
till you're asked Bilko?

May I remind you
gentlemen this is my room

and you're my guests.

What guests, we gave
Rocco a buck a piece

for the use of the room.

Oh what's the difference?

My equipment please. How
is Pavaloni, good player?

- Fair.
- I haven't played much lately.

- Oh you'll learn.
- Come on cut the gab, who deals.

- Pavaloni.
- All right.

This is miserable...
wait a minute.

Hold it you're getting so tense.

I heard of all thumbs
this kid is all wrist.

See how this works and the
hand is quicker than the eye,

simple you shuffle zip
and you got them shuffled.

So you give them a
little extra ziggy-zoo.

And away we go and
the game of chance is on.

Thank you. Jacks or better?

Jacks or better.

So ah you collected 4 bucks huh!

Splendid.

Oh Bilko how do you
do it, year after year?

- Can I look Sarge?
- Sure baby come on.

Come on big noise
now whadda you do?

He's starting with the
physiological warfare.

Oh a sucker's groans is
music to a gamblers ears.

All right gentlemen
I'll just start gently.

I will open by
betting 4 dollars.

- Oh, I'll have to take a look.
- You see, he sees.

I'm out.

I think you're bluffing
Bilko here is your $4

and I raise you $4.

Oh you poor soul, it's
only my sense of pity

keeps me from clobbering yah.

I'll tell you what I will
just see that $4 and you?

- I'm in.
- He's a joiner, he joins.

Well gentlemen, read
them and weep, 3 Queens.

Hold it Bilko. Full
House Jacks up.

How d'you like
that for tough luck?

Who deals, Coogan you
deal, come on deal, deal.

Hold it. Temper, temper.

That's a new one
here's a sore winner.

Come on, come on we deal.

Sarge, Sarge all right
wait till I get the cards?

Everybody is talking,
nobody deals, deal, deal.

Temper, temper.

What are you doing?
Get some coffee.

Don't just stand there, go!

Get your hand...
everybody leans.

How is it going?

It's unbelievable, unbelievable,

Ritzik beat Bilko out
of almost every pot.

No kidding?

Yeah Bilko's in hock
to him for 480 bucks.

- Ah not again.
- 500 bucks.

Sounds like the
game's breaking up.

Oh boy!

Yeah I did it, I
did it I beat him!

So long chump, don't
worry about the IOU's

tomorrow will be soon enough.

For He's A Jolly Good Fellow
For He's A Jolly Good Fellow.

Wait a minute they're asleep.

Yeah but I beat him. I beat him.

- We know.
- He's A Jolly Good Fellow.

Oh boy. Hey I beat him.

- What happened?
- Ritzik beat Bilko.

No! Hey Fleischman
guess what Ritzik beat Bilko.

Hey, Gomez did you
hear? Ritzik beat Bilko?

Did you hear the
news? Ritzik beat Bilko.

Oh what an upset. Yeah

Huh?

Ritzik beat Bilko!

What are you guys staring
at, go on, hit the sack will you?

Ernie you didn't mean it.

Couple of days rest you'll
will be as good as new.

Sure Sarge you
just had a bad night.

All Champions have 'em.

Thanks boys I've
made up my mind.

I'm retiring from gambling.

Here, hang this up forever.

Tonight proved it Rocco,
see my reflexes are all gone.

My timing is off.

Better quit now
before I get taken

by every bum that comes along.

Listen Ernie maybe you
didn't lose your touch.

No, Rocco, that's
the way it works.

One day you've got it

and the next day
you're an empty shell.

Goodnight boys I'm
gonna need some sleep.

Will you be all right Sarge?

- Yeah thank you.
- Goodnight Rocco.

- Goodnight Sarge.
- See you tomorrow.

Thank you boys goodnight.

Ritzik beat me.

It's sure been a drag around
here since Bilko retired.

Fort Baxter sure is
boring, these days.

Yeah, where once it
was gay, and enchanting.

It's a shame what
happened to Bilko

since the night Ritzik beat him.

Terrible, he became
an old man overnight.

Sure did.

You know the
saddest part of it all?

- What?
- Yesterday he threw away

all his hair tonics
and electric vibrators.

Do you wanna know something?

He gave me his toupee
that he paid 100 bucks for.

It looks good on me

but I just haven't got
the heart to wear it.

Oh Sarge. Where is he now?

He's in the shower.

Listen when he comes out pretend
you don't notice how he looks.

Pity is the last thing he wants.

That's what... shhhh
here he comes.

- Oh how are you boys.
- Fine Sarge, how do you feel?

Oh as good as an
old man can feel.

- You look nice Fender.
- Oh thanks Sarge.

You look great
Sarge, don't he fellas?

Yeah you look good Sarge.

Funny I got this
chill, I think I'll take

a couple of aspirins
and get into bed.

But Sarge, it's Saturday night?

It's Saturday night Sarge.

Is it, well one night is just
like any other night to me.

- Doberman is that you boy?
- Yes Sarge.

You want to do the old
Sarge a quick favour please?

Sure Sarge.

Would you get me a
cup of tea, weak tea.

How about some
nice chocolate milk?

Chocolate milk, oh all right.

Oh I will get you tea
if that's what you want.

Tea, milk I don't
know, I just don't know.

He's breaking my heart.

Why doesn't he holler at
me the way he used to?

It was music to my ears
the way he used to bark.

(barking orders)

Doberman is the milk here.

- No Sir.
- I'll wait...

What do you wanna do Dino,

go to the movies
or go into Roseville?

I don't know, I just don't know.

- Hey Rupert?
- Hello Grover

What do you say we get a
little poker game for the night?

What's the use it ain't
the same without Bilko.

Yeah nothing's the
same. What's for chow?

- Some kind of stew I guess.
- What does it taste like?

I don't know. I just don't know.

Good morning Padre, I...

Oh um, hello Lieutenant.

You seem upset
Padre, anything wrong?

No, it's just that I
haven't been able

to think of a subject
for Sunday's sermon.

There's been no gambling lately,

the men have been
quiet and well behaved.

What are you gonna talk about?

I don't know, I just don't know.

Let's face it Barker the
trick we played on Bilko

has backfired.

Since he's been
in this depression

the morale at Fort Baxter
has never been lower.

That's true Sir we've
got to do something.

But what?

I don't know Sir,
I just don't know.

Please Barker, I don't want
to hear that expression again.

Yes Sir.

I've asked Capt. Hartley
the post psychiatrist

to come over and help us.

I'd do anything to get Bilko back
to his old obnoxious self again.

You think a psychiatrist
can help Bilko.

I don't know, I just...

Here's your milk
and crackers Ernie.

Ernie?

- Oh what?
- Your milk, and crackers.

Oh thank you.
Thank you, Henshaw.

Hey Ernie, Ernie.

Oh why is he yelling,
doesn't he know that I don't.

Ernie would you look at
this picture in this magazine.

Please tell him Henshaw.

Listen Sir would you
look at this picture?

Ernie look, you
know who this is?

- Pavaloni, right.
- Hurt my ear.

Ernie please now
look underneath,

you know what his real name
is Paul Draylin, here, read it.

Hey Paul Draylin,
master card manipulator.

How do you like that
Ernie you've been tricked.

Paul Draylin.

Ritzik didn't beat me.

Who, who, who? The Colonel.

- The Colonel.
- How about Grover and Coogan?

Oh they were in on it, but
they won't have nerve enough

to put that guy in uniform.
Hoho! Get me my hat - quick!

All is not forsaken I'm gonna
face the Colonel with this...

Sarge here's your
hot water bottle.

What am I, an old
man or something?

Get out of my way.

He yelled at me
he's back, he's back!

Speaking as a psychiatrist
I can only tell you

we must proceed
with the utmost caution.

Obviously Bilko has suffered
a traumatic experience,

his ego has been badly damaged.

I understand Captain, anything
you say I'll go along with.

To restore his feelings of
self-confidence and security,

we somehow must find a way
to make him play cards again.

Oh no, they're not gonna
rehabilitate me that easy.

- Here I won't need this.
- What do you mean Sarge?

I'm gonna milk this, go go.

Most important of all Sir,

Bilko needs your personal
attention and approval.

Approval?

You see Colonel,
in cases of this kind,

the patients often
retrogresses emotionally.

You as head of
the post or family

represent the father
image to Bilko the boy.

Captain I'm not old enough
to have a 40 year old son.

Come in.

Oh Bilko we were
just talking about you.

- About me?
- You're looking fine.

- Just fine.
- Thank you.

Here, here sit down son.

Thank you Dad, I mean Colonel.

Why did I call him Dad for?

Yes, yes I understand Bilko.

How's Mrs. Hall? She's
such a lovely woman.

- She's like a Mother.
- Well Mrs. Hall is out of town.

Oh Bilko you haven't
been yourself the past week,

why don't you just stay
around the barracks

and rest for awhile?
- Oh Sir not the barracks.

It's so cold and lonely.

I wanna go someplace
where it's warm and friendly.

You mean a home? With
someone to watch over you.

Yes! Yes!

With someone to love me.

Colonel I have an idea.

You mean... my house.

Oh thank you Dad.

That will be ginger,
peachy, will you help me?

Thank you, I will be
packing my things.

I'll just dash.

Colonel please
be patient with him.

I think this will work out.

What are you guys doing
here are you nuts or something?

- How is it going, Sarge?
- Oh perfect.

I'm probably the only
Sergeant in the entire Army,

got a Colonel waiting
on me hand and foot.

Hey Sarge, how long
are you gonna be here.

Oh I don't know, until
they rehabilitate me.

Hey you guys get out of
here, I think I hear Dad coming.

Bilko!

Bilko! No it's all right.

Here's your malted.

You made me a malted?

Oh Sir, why should I
bother you and cause you

all this inconvenience.

I'll go back to the barracks.

- Bilko!
- My Colonel called.

Bilko this is the
Doctor's suggestion.

Now stop worrying just get well

I will try Sir. I will try.

Now what would
you like to do tonight.

Would you like to play a game?

- How about little Parcheesi?
- Parcheesi is nice.

- Or maybe you prefer Dominos?
- Dominos is nice.

Well which one will it be?

Parcheesi, dominos I don't know.

I just don't know.

Captain this is beginning
to get on my nerves.

The next thing you know I'll be

feeding Bilko Pablum
and burping him.

Patience Colonel, patience.

Now that the father
image is firmly established

I think we're ready for
Phase 2 of his rehabilitation.

- What's that?
- Getting Bilko to play cards again.

You see Colonel we
have to ease him back

into his old way of life.

Sure why don't we have
Burlesque Shows in the barracks?

Remember a poker game
brought on this trauma.

If you can get him
to play cards again

he'll be on the road to recovery

and it will raise the
morale of his men as well.

- I'll try.
- Where is he now?

Now he's in the bedroom
watching television.

There you are
Colonel good luck Sir.

Bilko!

Oh Bilko.

Sonny!

Did you call me Dad?

Bilko have a look at these?

Oh cards take them away Sir,
I can't stand the sight of them.

Bilko they're only cards.

No please don't
make me look at them.

Sir, please, please.

Come on Bilko be reasonable.

Don't look upon 'em as cards,
look upon 'em as 52 old friends.

Friends?

Yes they helped you
make a living for 15 years.

Look at them, it's
not so bad is it?

You know Bilko a good
poker game with your friends

will be a real tonic for you
and I'll give my permission.

Well, where will we play Sir?

Well you could play in
your room in the barracks.

In the barracks, oh
no not the barracks

please don't send
me back there Sir.

Well how about the Day room?

The Day room, not
the Day room Sir.

Well where would
you like to play?

Oh no!

Did we hear right a poker game

at the Colonel's house
with Bilko playing?

- That's right.
- Are you sure it's okay.

It's a trap I'm telling
you. It's a trap.

Come on I tell you,
it's all right look.

Come on.

Oh boy another shot
at Bilko lemme at him.

Be with you in a minute fellas.

- Good.
- Well good evening men.

At ease, it's all right.

- Good evening Sir.
- Good evening Sir.

You're probably surprised at a
poker game in my living room.

Oh no Sir, but you're
sure you're not gonna

take our stripes
in case you lose.

Oh I'm not going to play.

This is for Bilko's
benefit, Doctor's orders.

Now sit down and we'll
get the game underway.

- Oh Bilko.
- Sir, oh, oh.

Oh come on Bilko,
you're among friends.

Oh Sir, must I?

Just sit right down here.

Ooh... ooh Ritzik
the card shark, sir.

It's all right Bilko
go ahead and play.

Oh Sir, don't you
think that I should be...

Bilko! Sir.

- Deal the cards.
- Do I have to?

- That's an order.
- Yes Sir.

$36.

$42 I'm cleaned out.

And all his IOUs he won
everything back, I knew it.

I knew it. I knew it.

Come in.

- Good morning Sir.
- Oh!

Well Bilko it was a grueling
experience but it was worth it.

You're all right and the
post is back to normal.

Well not quite Sir.

- What do you mean?
- May I show you Sir?

Come, come easy gently.

I thought I was a winner,
I'll be a loser all my life.

He's been this way for
the past couple of days Sir.

His Mess Hall is in a
complete state of inactivity.

He hasn't prepared lunch
or breakfast for the Post, sir.

Shall I send for
Capt. Hartley Sir?

Don't bother. What's
the matter son?

I don't know dad.
I just don't know.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight cast were:

Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.

Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover,

Danny Dayton as Sgt. Coogan,

Fred Stewart as Capt. Neyman.

John Gibson as the Chaplain.

Nick Saunders as Capt. Barker

and Paul Draylin as himself.