The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 3, Episode 33 - Bilko's Insurance Company - full transcript
Bilko sets up his own insurance company at Fort Baxter. But his 'maternity benefits' policy which includes a multiple births clause goes disastrously wrong.
(barking orders)
Look, Ernie, what
are we gonna do?
We got a whole weekend facing us
and we got 20 cents between us.
I wonder how much money
Fender'll get for your watch?
Sweetie, bring us another
bowl of potato chips, please.
Look, Diamond Jim,
you got it all wrong.
Potato chips are supposed to
make you thirsty, not hungry.
Well, I never thought
I'd live to see the day
when a fine establishment
like the Snake Pit
hustles you for drinks.
No wonder the finer people
no longer congregate here.
We still got 20 cents, Ernie.
- Yeah?
- Hold it.
Honey, bring us
one glass of beer.
Oh wait till I tell the
boss. He'll be so excited.
That last remark will
cost you a fine tip, my lady.
Here you are Sarge.
Oh good, did you get
any money on the watch?
Nothing, the guy says
he couldn't give me a cent
on account of the writing on it.
You mean the writing
on the back where it says,
"To Ernie with love?"
No, the writing on the front
that says "Mickey Mouse."
In Berlin I used to get
1,000 marks for these.
It looks like we'll have to
go down to the U.S.O, Sarge.
Oh boy, that'll be fun, waitin'
in line to play ping-pong.
No, no, they got a new
hostess down there,
supposed to be a
pretty good dancer.
Yeah, I saw her, if
they play anything faster
than the Minuet,
her wig falls off.
- So stupid.
- What happened to you, Dino?
- What's the matter?
- Oh, the craziest thing.
I was running across the street
and didn't see this limousine.
First thing you know crack I...
He was hit by a limousine!
- No Sarge, I'm not hurt.
- You look in terrible pain.
Lie down. A
limousine hit our boy.
- Save your breath.
- Moan! Moan!
Get, rid of your pain. Moan!
- Where's the driver of the car?
- He's outside.
Get him in here,
on the double move!
You may have a concussion
and you don't know.
- No Sarge, I'm not hurt.
- Just moan! Moan!
Moan! Not a happy moan!
Moan, there's a fortune
in the moan! Moan!
- Oooh, ooh.
- That's it!
I want that moan to come...
- Here he is, Sarge.
- Yes!
These wealthy
drivers must be taught
that their recklessness
will cost them.
Don't worry buddy, we've
sent for an ambulance.
Look at this poor boy.
Out for a weekend of fun and
look at him now, moaning in agony!
- Moaning in agony!
- What's going on?
Sir, you'll be
made to pay for this
if we have to take you
to the Supreme Court,
so this innocent
victim or his survivors
will be fully compensated.
However, we might be
forced to settle in a friendly way
out of court for
say, for a $100?
Look, I'm a busy man.
Take this up with my
insurance company.
Roseville Accident &
Life Insurance Company.
We'll file our claim right away.
You're not moaning! Moan!
- Gently, would you...
- Sarge, I'm not hurt.
No, you may be in a
terrible state of shock.
Come, moan! Why don't you moan?
- Take the victim out gently.
- Here's your beer, Bilko.
Beer?
Get some champagne
and put it on ice.
- We may be right back.
- Sarge, I'm not hurt.
No, don't talk. You
may be investigated.
Lift him.
Only 28 years old, a
mere boy who loved life
and lived it to the hilt and
now, he may never dance again.
Let him in boys, listen,
listen to him moaning in pain!
His only consolation is
that that reckless driver
was covered by a
fine reputable firm
such as the Roseville Accident
& Life Insurance Company.
- I shudder to think...
- Hold on a moment, Bilko.
You've been
talking for 5 minutes
and I still haven't
heard what happened.
Oh yes, Sir.
Tell him in your own
pain-wracked words,
how you were crossing the
street with the light in your favour,
when suddenly out of nowhere
this limousine bore down and...
- That ain't how it happened, Sarge.
- Oh yes, you told me.
You were standing on the
sidewalk minding your own business
when suddenly this car went
out of control and this reckless...
Please, Sergeant, let
him tell me what happened.
Tell him, Paparelli.
Well, I was running
across the street,
when I slipped and banged
into the fender of this limousine.
You see, in his pain,
he forgets the details.
How fast was the car going?
Was it going 40 miles
an hour, 50 miles, 60?
60 miles an hour in the
center of town, did you...
Sarge, the car was
parked at the curb.
Yes, so what he's saying is
the car was parked...
he's delirious!
He doesn't know
what he's saying.
I know what he's
saying, Sergeant.
He's saying that in this state
you can get up to
10 years for fraud.
Sir, surely you
don't think that I...
Son, it's too bad you weren't
covered by one of our policies.
As a matter of fact,
all you boys at Baxter
should get together and get a
group accident insurance policy.
- Group insurance?
- Yes.
There are 10,000
soldiers at Fort Baxter.
I could probably work something
out for as little as $25 a man.
That'd come to $250,000
in premiums, wouldn't it?
- Yes, I figure that...
- Excuse me, some other time.
I've got a lot of work
to do. Come on boys.
Wait a minute, Sarge.
I wanna hear this.
Come on, I'm sick
of your goldbricking.
Down payment plan, very good.
Ernie, are you sure you
know what you're doing?
What do we know about
the insurance business?
What is there to know? It's
just like any other business.
You just gotta make sure you
take in more than you pay out.
I don't know, Sarge.
Look, I'll make
it simple for you.
Suppose we insure
half the guys on the post
with accident policies,
we'll say at $20 a year,
what does that come to?
- 5,000 men at $20 apiece, $100,000.
All right, suppose we have
to pay out claims of $50,000,
what profit does that leave us?
$50,000.
Congratulations my dear man!
You've mastered the
insurance business.
Here they are, Sarge.
Did the printers do a good job?
Yep, every place it
said "Lloyds of London"
he changed it to
"Bilko of Baxter."
They're all here.
Yeah, very good.
Hurricane Insurance,
Fire and Theft Insurance,
Accident Insurance,
Bilko Annuity...
- Sarge Sarge - What?
What are Multiple
Maternity Benefits?
That's a little gimmick I
put in with the health plan
to encourage the sales.
If they have twins,
we give them $300.
If they have triplets,
they get $1,000.
If they get lucky and hit the
jackpot and have quadruplets,
they get $1,500 and I
kill myself. It's simple!
And that's the story gentlemen.
So if you'll step up
and see Cpl. Henshaw,
he'll be glad to make out
the type of policy you want.
Now, I must remind you,
there'll be no crowding,
first come, first served.
And remember, there's a blotter
given to each and every man.
Now don't crowd.
Are they crowding?
They're not crow... hmm,
listen you just don't see...
you especially Fender you a
family man with responsibilities.
You above all, need insurance.
Suppose something
should happen to you?
Sarge, I've got a wife and 6
kids, what else can happen to me?
No laughing, this is a serious
matter which I'm trying benefit...
And you Mullen, you certainly
could use some insurance.
Yeah, Bilko, how about a
policy to protect me against you?
- Yeah.
- Hold it!
I see you're skeptical.
Well, perhaps I can give
you a more graphic illustration
of what I'm trying
to do help you.
Will you have Pvt. Paparelli
come in here, please?
I'm sure you're all
familiar Pvt. Paparelli,
a beloved member of our
platoon who only the other day,
met with an unfortunate
automobile accident.
But fortunately,
he had the foresight
to take out a policy
with Bilko of Baxter.
May I have the cheque please?
Policy holder 19304, I'm very
proud to present you this check
for $50 as compensation
for your injuries.
But Sarge, I just took this
policy out a half hour ago.
Yes, my dear boy, you
didn't read the small print,
where we have a retroactive
clause which clearly states
that you get paid
for any accident
that occurs 10 days before
you took out the policy.
All right, Gentlemen,
sign right up here.
Here are the blanks.
No, no please, no, no
high pressure tactics.
Let 'em figure it
out for themselves.
Nobody bought anything, Sarge.
Don't worry, they
will. They will.
Giving Paparelli that
cheque was masterstroke.
Here's what I...
Sarge, I wanna thank
you for the cheque.
Thanks are not necessary.
As your insurance
man, it was my duty
to see that you were protected.
- I don't know what to say.
- Don't say anything.
Just go out there
secure in the knowledge
that you have just paid out
for 2 and a half years
of accident premium.
I wanna congratulate you
for how you thought ahead.
- That's a good boy.
- Take care of this.
- Now what?
- Here's what I want you to do.
I want you to have
these mimeographed.
Place them on all
the bulletin boards.
"Memo from Col. John
Hall to all platoons.
Subject:
Combat-obstacle course."
What's that all about?
It's a little business maneuver.
Whadda you mean
what's it all about?
Questions! Always questions!
What're you, the
District Attorney?
Did I ever make a
wrong move? Move! Do it.
Oh good shot Fender.
- Hi, Sarge.
- Hello Roc.
What have you got
there, the KP duty roster?
- No, Sarge, bad news!
- Did you hear that, bad news again?
Oh what's the matter?
Oh it's another memo
from the Colonel.
- Look at that.
- What's it say?
Oh no, he's ordering us to
run the combat obstacle course.
- Oh!
- We did that in basic training.
Wait, why are you
getting so excited?
A little refresher
will do you good.
You've been over that
obstacle course before.
- Was it so terrible?
- Yeah!
It was tough enough
when we were kids.
- Now, it can be fatal.
- Yeah.
Oh, please, a few of
you will have a sprain,
or a couple of fractures.
I guarantee you 60% of
you will come out of it okay.
Hey Sarge, it's a good
thing nobody took out
your accident
insurance policy, huh?
You'd have been busted by now...
You're getting to be a regular
blabbermouth aren't you?
Well, you've seen the orders,
assemble on the drill field
9:00 o'clock in full field pack.
Yeah, but wait a minute, Sarge.
About that accident insurance,
I wanna take out some.
- Yeah, me too!
- What, what insurance?
Oh come on, Sarge.
Don't play dumb.
Yeah, you were anxious
enough to sell it yesterday.
- Yeah.
- Come on! Come on!
You like it? You
like these vultures?
They know that by tomorrow
night, I'll have to pay out,
$500 or $600 in claims, huh?
Is this nice, taking
advantage of me this way?
Come on Sarge,
where are the forms?
Don't make us report you
to Better Business Bureau.
- Is that you Doberman?
- I'm sorry Sarge.
- I'm on the side of fair play.
- Yeah!
You with your big mouth.
All right get your money out
Rocco will take care of you.
I'll be ruined! Ruined!
- There you are Rocco.
- No, no cheques!
- Cash!
- All right keep it going.
Did you like the way the
dear little sheep bit at the bait?
How much did we take in?
- $180 Sarge.
- Not bad for a day's work.
And believe me,
it'll get better.
Oh Rocco, about
that obstacle course,
mimeograph a
second set of orders
cancelling the
first set of orders.
Hey Roc, what is this, one
man didn't sign up for the policy?
That's right, Sarge.
Gunther the new
man, he's the only one.
Oh those poor souls.
They have to learn
the hard way, huh?
Did you put the
hole in the door?
Look.
Splendid! Splendid!
Gunther, look alive your beloved
Sarge wants you here, Gunter.
Good, looks just
like a bullet hole.
I hate to use this gimmick,
but when they force
me to throw in the...
- You wanna see me, Sarge?
- Come in son, you're new here.
It's about time we had
a heart to heart talk.
Sarge, I don't think I need
any accident insurance.
That's where you're wrong.
I can give you 10 reasons
why you should have an...
what are you doing Rocco?
Just cleaning my rifle, Sarge.
That's a good boy,
but don't disturb us.
Now where was I?
Trying to do me out
of my last 20 bucks.
Silly boy, now look, I couldn't
give you the policy this cheap
if it wasn't in the group plan.
You see the fact that a lot of...
Rocco, now what are you doing?
It's not loaded, Sarge.
I know, but be careful,
people are talking.
Sarge, look, I'm
careful, I'm healthy.
I really don't need
any insurance.
That's where you're wrong.
Accidents don't discern
between careful or healthy people.
Accidents can happen...
Rocco, will you please.
Oh I'm sorry.
Sarge, look, some other
time. I got things to do.
All right, I tried.
Good luck kid.
Bang!!
Rocco! What did you do?
I told you to be careful.
Are you all right,
are you bleeding?
Look at that!
Boy, that missed
you by a half an inch.
A half an inch closer, you
would've been a dead duck.
Can you see?
Accidents can happen.
Well, back to work.
Oh splendid, I'll have
your policy in 20 minutes.
Run along son.
Are you all right?
I would have been hit
in the head with that.
Well, a miss is
as good as a mile.
Good, huh? We'll
make a lot of money.
- We'll have the Colonel...
- Hey Sarge.
Well, there he is my
roving insurance agent.
How did you do with the WACs?
Not bad, Sarge, 3 WACs went
for the health insurance deal.
- Good, did you collect?
- Billie and Edna paid.
And I'm gonna collect
from Sally right now.
I'll go along with you.
It gives them confidence
to meet the President.
Rocco, mind the store.
- Hi Sally.
- Oh Cpl. Henshaw.
I have the money for
the premium right here.
Fine and here's your receipt.
Oh incidentally, have
you met Sgt. Ernest Bilko?
He's the President and
founder of Bilko of Baxter.
Hello, Sgt. Bilko.
Oh that.. what's that Sgt.
Bilko? You call me Ernie.
You find that we
at Bilko of Baxter
are much more
informal than that.
We're not one of those companies
with an adding
machine for a heart.
Congratulations on taking
the policy and may I say,
I hope you never have to collect
on your health plan insurance.
On the contrary, I'm
looking forward to it.
You're look... what?
The Multiple Maternity Clause,
you see I hope to
get married some day
and have lots of children.
Maybe your policy
will bring me luck.
Isn't that sweet?
Yes maybe we will.
You know if you get
twins, we give you $300.
There's nothing like
looking forward to the future.
The... Excuse me.
Is this you? Oh that's sweet.
- Who are your friends?
- They're my sisters.
Ah, there is a remarkable
resemblance there, isn't there?
There should be, we're triplets.
Aha, and that... what
Triplets! It runs in the family.
My mother was
one of triplets too.
So you see that's
why I wanted to get...
Yes, I, I see. Yes, splendid!
Can I see you a
minute Cpl. Henshaw?
Did you hear what
your friend did?
Did you hear what he did?
Sells a policy to a triplet?
Sarge, look, honest I
didn't see the picture.
How could you miss it?
It was standing
right in front of you.
Have you forgotten the
Multiple Maternity Benefits?
But look Ernie, would
you relax please.
She's not married.
She's not going with anybody
and the policy's
only good for a year.
Then you should be more careful.
Get me Doberman.
Doberman!
We gotta make out a policy.
We made a deal, we've
gotta go through with it.
You know why I'm so anxious?
This is our chance
for the big money.
I don't wanna blow it.
It's like getting up
in the World Series
and hitting into a triple-play.
He isn't here Sarge.
- Who?
- Doberman.
Oh, do me a favour,
will you Wally?
Get this over to a WAC
named Sally Fisher
at the Administration Building.
Oh gee, Sarge, I'm
expecting a visitor any minute.
I'll see that they
wait till you get back.
Move it! On the double move it!
How much have
you got in the till?
Over $800.
Not bad for a week's work
and we're just starting to build.
It gives you a nice
feeling, doesn't it?
3 buddies running a
smart move together,
it gives you a warm feeling.
By the way, I don't think I saw
your name down for a policy.
Us?
You too can have an
accident, like losing your stripes.
- Get your names in there!
- Come in.
Excuse me, I'm
looking for Pvt. Gunther.
Oh, he'll be back
any minute now.
- Who are you?
- I'm his twin brother, Pete.
Did you hear that, twin brother?
Yeah, they call us
Pete and Repeat.
Hey, that's kind of cute.
Why don't you wait
for him in the barracks?
You'll be more
comfortable there.
Make yourself at home.
It's amazing how
much they look alike...
What's the matter, Sarge? What?
I just sent Wally
over to meet Sally.
- So what?
- She's a triplet.
- So what?
- So what?
Twin, triplet it's like
introducing nitro to glycerine.
- Ernie, will you take it easy.
- Take it easy, he says.
Suppose they meet and fall in
love and get married, huh, huh?
Twin, triplets, 3+2, they
could have quintuplets!
It costs me $10,000!
I gotta stop 'em before
they can meet each other.
You! You! Triplets!
I'm glad I brought
this over Sally.
- I'm glad too, Wally.
- I'm glad you're glad, Sally.
Oh it's too late.
Oh Sally, I see you have
your policies isn't that swell.
Well thank you Gunther
for bringing it over now.
We have, ah, Sally, oh,
oh.. Gunther look I've...
Sally?
Oh here comes
Col. Hall, Ten-shun.
Give up $10,000? Now look,
from now on I don't want
them to be alone for a minute.
You watch them every
minute, do you understand,
now get 'em out of here.
We've have a busy day,
everybody back to work, here we go.
- I'll call you later Sally.
- Don't forget, Wally.
Look Sally you're not gonna fall
for one of these Army romances?
It's just that you're lonesome.
You're away from home
and what you think is romance
it's just homesick
and, Sally, triplets.
- What's playin', Wally?
- Who cares?
Red Devil this is Bird
Dog, come in please, over.
Bird Dog this is Red Devil,
I read you loud and clear.
It's Hensh, Ernie.
Hensh this is Bilko, go ahead.
They're in the Roseville
Movie House Sarge.
I'll stand by, over.
I got you, over and out.
Hensh? Shh!
Would, would you
mind, just move over one.
Please, thank you very much.
Would you mind, I'm
trying to see the picture
just a little
separation, please..
Wally?
- Hiya Sally?
- Hello Sergeant.
- Hi, Bilko.
- Would you like a little popcorn, kids?
- No, no thanks.
- No thanks.
I got plenty. I've got
plenty if you want it.
Okay.
I fortunately found
a seat down front,
I can't see too far back.
Well, I'll just clean my glasses
and we'll have a jolly time...
Oh I dropped my glasses.
Would you, would
you help me find them?
I'm helpless without my glasses.
Maybe they're under your
seat, do you mind Wally?
Just look around.
I'd appreciate it.
Maybe they're ah, I got it.
Thanks, here they
were, I got 'em.
They were under your
seat. Thanks very much.
Sarge you're in my seat.
- Your seat?
- Yeah.
Whadda you got a reservation?
- No, but.
- What's your rank soldier?
- Private.
- What is that?
- Sergeant.
- Watch the picture.
Red Devil this is Bird Dog.
They just went into
Roseville Park, over.
Sally, I'm tired of walking.
Let's sit down here.
All right Wally.
Sure is a beautiful
night, isn't it Sally?
Any night is beautiful
as long as we're together.
Where is that little
rascal? Where.. I'll get y...
Oh excuse me you
see I... Sally, Wally!
I didn't know that was you.
I've been chasing this
Kansas Midnight Moth.
- They're very rare you know.
- Well, good luck Bilko.
Yes and I'll get
that... oh there it is.
Oh would you mind
picking up the net for me.
Thank you there's a good fellow.
I've been running after that
Kansas Moth for over 5 months.
You don't mind if I sit
down a minute do you?
- Lovely night isn't it?
- Yeah wasn't it?
Well look will you
excuse us Bilko,
we're gonna walk around awhile.
- Come on Sally.
- Oh sure - there he is!
Where? I don't see anything.
He's following you don't
look around I'll get him.
Ah, come here, I see
him, I see him, little moth...
Were is he?
Where is Henshaw? He
was supposed to report in.
Listen Sarge, why don't
you leave the kids alone?
- They're in love.
- In love I'm in love too.
I'm in love with my money
and I don't wanna lose it.
- There he is.
- What are you doing here?
You're supposed to
be watching Gunther.
- He's asleep Sarge.
- Are you sure?
You sure he didn't sneak out?
Well come on see, for yourself.
See there he is.
Yeah look at him
smiling in his sleep.
I don't like it.
I don't like it.
- What? What?
- He must be dreaming about her.
Wake him up! Wake him up!
Sarge.
Why don't you get
some sleep yourself?
All right, but I want 'em
watched day and night
especially night.
Tell you what, put him on
Guard Duty for the whole week.
But that's rough, Ernie.
It's the only chance we
got is to keep him apart
or otherwise I'll be ruined.
You, you with your triplets!
How's it going, Gunther?
- Just fine Sarge.
- Good boy.
Guard everything in sight.
Aah, this is a day to remember
Roc, hot water in the latrine.
You're counting, eh?
Yeah, Sarge this is the
best deal you ever thought of.
You know we got over
$1,200 in the treasury.
- Say it again?
- Over $1,200 in the treasury.
- Music, beautiful music.
- Hey, Ernie, it ain't working.
They went over to the
P.X. right after lunch.
Oh no, they're getting'
to be more trouble
than Romeo and Juliet!
So, what if they
went over the P.X.?
So what?! You forget the
P.X has a jewelry store.
The jewelry store
has engagement rings,
wedding rings, teething rings.
You better think of something.
Darn right, I'm gonna
go all out this time.
All out, I've been
too nice to these kids.
They're really
gonna get it, now.
That's right Sarge.
They got a lot of nerve
puttin' their happiness
ahead of your greed.
Henshaw, are you
thinking of resigning
your executive
position with the firm?
- No, Sarge.
- Keep a civil tongue in your mouth.
Now take a letter, when
I get through with Sally,
I'm gonna make her the most popular
girl there's ever been on this post.
She's gonna be too
busy to go out with Wally.
- Sally, popular?
- Yes, Just take a letter.
Write down "My Dearest Darling,
I've silently adored
you for 2 years,
I can't keep this
to myself anymore.
It's time you knew I want you
and I'm yours for the asking.
Adorably yours"
and sign it, Sally.
Who should I send this to?
Everybody! Everybody?
- In the whole platoon.
- You mean Mullen, Gomez?
And Doberman too, yes everybody!
When I get through with her
she's gonna feel like Kim Novak.
Yeah, with this pack after her
she's gonna feel
like Clyde Beatty.
No jokes, just spray plenty
of perfume on all the letters.
- I'm sorry, I'm busy.
- I got your note Sally.
Oh what a lovely delicate
hand you have my dear.
I thought you'd like
this book on poetry.
A bouquet for the
fairest flower of all.
I'm sorry, I'm busy tonight.
The note you
wrote, I got it Sally.
- Do you want to go out dancing
tomorrow?
- I'm busy all this week.
Shall we give the
Snake Pit a whirl honey?
- Sally, you and I.
- Please, oh please!
Now what's happening
around here anyway?
Well Sally you
know me and flowers.
Oh please, I've got to go
outside. Give me some air.
- I dream...
- Oh no!
Sally listen I...
I brought you some
candy and flowers Sally,
sweets for the sweet.
(all speaking together)
What's on your mind kid?
You wanted to talk
to me, what is it?
I don't know Sarge, I
finally found a girl I like
and now it seems like every
guy on the post is after her.
Look kid, you've got to
face it with a girl like Sally,
who's so attractive
she's bound to be popular.
I know but why all of a sudden?
You can't figure women
out. I've tried you just can't...
Why don't you go off
the post for a few weeks
and get a different
viewpoint on e..?
Suppose I arrange 2-weeks
leave for ya, how about that?
- 2 weeks leave?
- Yes.
Say that might be the
best thing. Thanks Sarge.
Hey that's, that's
real nice of you.
Think nothing of
it kid, glad to do it.
Good luck to you kid.
That does it, by the
time he gets back,
their romance will be
colder than a Kansas winter.
Give me the grizzies..don't
give me with the Italian eyes.
I'm doing this for us.
It's the insurance
business or them.
Let's get down to business.
Ernie, Ernie, wake up, wake up!
- Sarge, wake up!
- Come on!
- What is it?
- He's gone, he's gone!
- Who's gone?
- Gunther.
Jerk, I got him his leave, now
get out of here, let me sleep.
But you don't understand
Sarge, Sally's gone too.
- They've eloped.
- Eloped?
They're too young to
elope, she's only 17!
Sarge, she's 24.
Well call the M.P.s
they're AWOL, M.P.s!
- Sarge!
- Call the FBI they're thieves,
they're running
away with my money!
He's a twin, they'll have
children we'll have to shell out!
Sarge, will you
calm down please.
There's nothing
you can do about it.
And stop worrying, Sarge.
Even if they do get married,
don't mean they're going
to have kids right away.
That's right and the
policy's only good for a year.
That's right we're still in
the insurance business.
What about... can I
ask you a question?
- Yeah.
- You had this all figured out?
- Yeah.
- Why d'you wake me?
Why did you wake me?
Hello boys.
Hiya Sally, how's
the lovely bride?
- Just fine thank you.
- Where's the lucky groom?
He's out shopping. He'll
be back in a moment.
- That's sweet.
- Won't you sit down?
Thank you, thank
you. Ah, there they are.
Ah, I think it's great
you kids getting married,
settling down in a little home
getting to know each other.
And I suppose in a
little while raise a family
we'll say in about 3 or 4 years.
Wait that long?
Well of course give yourself
every chance for happiness.
It's not my opinion, the
Ladies Home Journal
will tell you that.
- Give yourself.
- Hiya fellas, hello honey.
Hey, there he is.
Oh that's sweet.
Makes you feel warm
all over, doesn't it?
Here's the stuff you wanted
honey, pickles and ice cream.
Thanks honey.
What were you about
to say, Sergeant?
Ruined! I'm ruined!
Look, will you relax
Ernie, the odds are with us.
Listen Ernie, we've got
over $1,500 in the treasury.
Now even if she has twins,
we're still in good shape.
Sure twins are only $300
that'll still leave us over $1,000.
- Yeah.
- Over $1,000 that's not bad.
- Mr. Gunther?
- Yes, yes, that's me.
Oh congratulations soldier.
Your wife is doing just fine.
- How many, how many?
- Well go see for yourself.
Miss, Miss! Is that
the Gunther baby?
This one? This one?
All of them.
Quadruplets...
Ernie, we're ruined.
We're, we're wiped out!
There he is, that's Mr. Gunther.
Hold it please, Mr. Gunther
just one for the Roseville Gazette.
Thank you.
Mr. Gunther, I'd like to speak to
you about some endorsements.
You know cereal companies
milk companies, diaper service.
You know there's big
bonuses in that sort of thing.
Hold it, just a minute.
- You represent a reputable firm?
- Yes.
You know I'm this boy's
agent, you understand?
He doesn't make a move
without me. What do you want?
Professional
appearances to start with
would you like him to take a
bow on the Ed Sullivan Show,
that would be a big show.
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:
Orson Bean as Wally Gunther,
Rain Winslow as Sally,
Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover,
and Russell Hardie
as the Insurance Man.
Look, Ernie, what
are we gonna do?
We got a whole weekend facing us
and we got 20 cents between us.
I wonder how much money
Fender'll get for your watch?
Sweetie, bring us another
bowl of potato chips, please.
Look, Diamond Jim,
you got it all wrong.
Potato chips are supposed to
make you thirsty, not hungry.
Well, I never thought
I'd live to see the day
when a fine establishment
like the Snake Pit
hustles you for drinks.
No wonder the finer people
no longer congregate here.
We still got 20 cents, Ernie.
- Yeah?
- Hold it.
Honey, bring us
one glass of beer.
Oh wait till I tell the
boss. He'll be so excited.
That last remark will
cost you a fine tip, my lady.
Here you are Sarge.
Oh good, did you get
any money on the watch?
Nothing, the guy says
he couldn't give me a cent
on account of the writing on it.
You mean the writing
on the back where it says,
"To Ernie with love?"
No, the writing on the front
that says "Mickey Mouse."
In Berlin I used to get
1,000 marks for these.
It looks like we'll have to
go down to the U.S.O, Sarge.
Oh boy, that'll be fun, waitin'
in line to play ping-pong.
No, no, they got a new
hostess down there,
supposed to be a
pretty good dancer.
Yeah, I saw her, if
they play anything faster
than the Minuet,
her wig falls off.
- So stupid.
- What happened to you, Dino?
- What's the matter?
- Oh, the craziest thing.
I was running across the street
and didn't see this limousine.
First thing you know crack I...
He was hit by a limousine!
- No Sarge, I'm not hurt.
- You look in terrible pain.
Lie down. A
limousine hit our boy.
- Save your breath.
- Moan! Moan!
Get, rid of your pain. Moan!
- Where's the driver of the car?
- He's outside.
Get him in here,
on the double move!
You may have a concussion
and you don't know.
- No Sarge, I'm not hurt.
- Just moan! Moan!
Moan! Not a happy moan!
Moan, there's a fortune
in the moan! Moan!
- Oooh, ooh.
- That's it!
I want that moan to come...
- Here he is, Sarge.
- Yes!
These wealthy
drivers must be taught
that their recklessness
will cost them.
Don't worry buddy, we've
sent for an ambulance.
Look at this poor boy.
Out for a weekend of fun and
look at him now, moaning in agony!
- Moaning in agony!
- What's going on?
Sir, you'll be
made to pay for this
if we have to take you
to the Supreme Court,
so this innocent
victim or his survivors
will be fully compensated.
However, we might be
forced to settle in a friendly way
out of court for
say, for a $100?
Look, I'm a busy man.
Take this up with my
insurance company.
Roseville Accident &
Life Insurance Company.
We'll file our claim right away.
You're not moaning! Moan!
- Gently, would you...
- Sarge, I'm not hurt.
No, you may be in a
terrible state of shock.
Come, moan! Why don't you moan?
- Take the victim out gently.
- Here's your beer, Bilko.
Beer?
Get some champagne
and put it on ice.
- We may be right back.
- Sarge, I'm not hurt.
No, don't talk. You
may be investigated.
Lift him.
Only 28 years old, a
mere boy who loved life
and lived it to the hilt and
now, he may never dance again.
Let him in boys, listen,
listen to him moaning in pain!
His only consolation is
that that reckless driver
was covered by a
fine reputable firm
such as the Roseville Accident
& Life Insurance Company.
- I shudder to think...
- Hold on a moment, Bilko.
You've been
talking for 5 minutes
and I still haven't
heard what happened.
Oh yes, Sir.
Tell him in your own
pain-wracked words,
how you were crossing the
street with the light in your favour,
when suddenly out of nowhere
this limousine bore down and...
- That ain't how it happened, Sarge.
- Oh yes, you told me.
You were standing on the
sidewalk minding your own business
when suddenly this car went
out of control and this reckless...
Please, Sergeant, let
him tell me what happened.
Tell him, Paparelli.
Well, I was running
across the street,
when I slipped and banged
into the fender of this limousine.
You see, in his pain,
he forgets the details.
How fast was the car going?
Was it going 40 miles
an hour, 50 miles, 60?
60 miles an hour in the
center of town, did you...
Sarge, the car was
parked at the curb.
Yes, so what he's saying is
the car was parked...
he's delirious!
He doesn't know
what he's saying.
I know what he's
saying, Sergeant.
He's saying that in this state
you can get up to
10 years for fraud.
Sir, surely you
don't think that I...
Son, it's too bad you weren't
covered by one of our policies.
As a matter of fact,
all you boys at Baxter
should get together and get a
group accident insurance policy.
- Group insurance?
- Yes.
There are 10,000
soldiers at Fort Baxter.
I could probably work something
out for as little as $25 a man.
That'd come to $250,000
in premiums, wouldn't it?
- Yes, I figure that...
- Excuse me, some other time.
I've got a lot of work
to do. Come on boys.
Wait a minute, Sarge.
I wanna hear this.
Come on, I'm sick
of your goldbricking.
Down payment plan, very good.
Ernie, are you sure you
know what you're doing?
What do we know about
the insurance business?
What is there to know? It's
just like any other business.
You just gotta make sure you
take in more than you pay out.
I don't know, Sarge.
Look, I'll make
it simple for you.
Suppose we insure
half the guys on the post
with accident policies,
we'll say at $20 a year,
what does that come to?
- 5,000 men at $20 apiece, $100,000.
All right, suppose we have
to pay out claims of $50,000,
what profit does that leave us?
$50,000.
Congratulations my dear man!
You've mastered the
insurance business.
Here they are, Sarge.
Did the printers do a good job?
Yep, every place it
said "Lloyds of London"
he changed it to
"Bilko of Baxter."
They're all here.
Yeah, very good.
Hurricane Insurance,
Fire and Theft Insurance,
Accident Insurance,
Bilko Annuity...
- Sarge Sarge - What?
What are Multiple
Maternity Benefits?
That's a little gimmick I
put in with the health plan
to encourage the sales.
If they have twins,
we give them $300.
If they have triplets,
they get $1,000.
If they get lucky and hit the
jackpot and have quadruplets,
they get $1,500 and I
kill myself. It's simple!
And that's the story gentlemen.
So if you'll step up
and see Cpl. Henshaw,
he'll be glad to make out
the type of policy you want.
Now, I must remind you,
there'll be no crowding,
first come, first served.
And remember, there's a blotter
given to each and every man.
Now don't crowd.
Are they crowding?
They're not crow... hmm,
listen you just don't see...
you especially Fender you a
family man with responsibilities.
You above all, need insurance.
Suppose something
should happen to you?
Sarge, I've got a wife and 6
kids, what else can happen to me?
No laughing, this is a serious
matter which I'm trying benefit...
And you Mullen, you certainly
could use some insurance.
Yeah, Bilko, how about a
policy to protect me against you?
- Yeah.
- Hold it!
I see you're skeptical.
Well, perhaps I can give
you a more graphic illustration
of what I'm trying
to do help you.
Will you have Pvt. Paparelli
come in here, please?
I'm sure you're all
familiar Pvt. Paparelli,
a beloved member of our
platoon who only the other day,
met with an unfortunate
automobile accident.
But fortunately,
he had the foresight
to take out a policy
with Bilko of Baxter.
May I have the cheque please?
Policy holder 19304, I'm very
proud to present you this check
for $50 as compensation
for your injuries.
But Sarge, I just took this
policy out a half hour ago.
Yes, my dear boy, you
didn't read the small print,
where we have a retroactive
clause which clearly states
that you get paid
for any accident
that occurs 10 days before
you took out the policy.
All right, Gentlemen,
sign right up here.
Here are the blanks.
No, no please, no, no
high pressure tactics.
Let 'em figure it
out for themselves.
Nobody bought anything, Sarge.
Don't worry, they
will. They will.
Giving Paparelli that
cheque was masterstroke.
Here's what I...
Sarge, I wanna thank
you for the cheque.
Thanks are not necessary.
As your insurance
man, it was my duty
to see that you were protected.
- I don't know what to say.
- Don't say anything.
Just go out there
secure in the knowledge
that you have just paid out
for 2 and a half years
of accident premium.
I wanna congratulate you
for how you thought ahead.
- That's a good boy.
- Take care of this.
- Now what?
- Here's what I want you to do.
I want you to have
these mimeographed.
Place them on all
the bulletin boards.
"Memo from Col. John
Hall to all platoons.
Subject:
Combat-obstacle course."
What's that all about?
It's a little business maneuver.
Whadda you mean
what's it all about?
Questions! Always questions!
What're you, the
District Attorney?
Did I ever make a
wrong move? Move! Do it.
Oh good shot Fender.
- Hi, Sarge.
- Hello Roc.
What have you got
there, the KP duty roster?
- No, Sarge, bad news!
- Did you hear that, bad news again?
Oh what's the matter?
Oh it's another memo
from the Colonel.
- Look at that.
- What's it say?
Oh no, he's ordering us to
run the combat obstacle course.
- Oh!
- We did that in basic training.
Wait, why are you
getting so excited?
A little refresher
will do you good.
You've been over that
obstacle course before.
- Was it so terrible?
- Yeah!
It was tough enough
when we were kids.
- Now, it can be fatal.
- Yeah.
Oh, please, a few of
you will have a sprain,
or a couple of fractures.
I guarantee you 60% of
you will come out of it okay.
Hey Sarge, it's a good
thing nobody took out
your accident
insurance policy, huh?
You'd have been busted by now...
You're getting to be a regular
blabbermouth aren't you?
Well, you've seen the orders,
assemble on the drill field
9:00 o'clock in full field pack.
Yeah, but wait a minute, Sarge.
About that accident insurance,
I wanna take out some.
- Yeah, me too!
- What, what insurance?
Oh come on, Sarge.
Don't play dumb.
Yeah, you were anxious
enough to sell it yesterday.
- Yeah.
- Come on! Come on!
You like it? You
like these vultures?
They know that by tomorrow
night, I'll have to pay out,
$500 or $600 in claims, huh?
Is this nice, taking
advantage of me this way?
Come on Sarge,
where are the forms?
Don't make us report you
to Better Business Bureau.
- Is that you Doberman?
- I'm sorry Sarge.
- I'm on the side of fair play.
- Yeah!
You with your big mouth.
All right get your money out
Rocco will take care of you.
I'll be ruined! Ruined!
- There you are Rocco.
- No, no cheques!
- Cash!
- All right keep it going.
Did you like the way the
dear little sheep bit at the bait?
How much did we take in?
- $180 Sarge.
- Not bad for a day's work.
And believe me,
it'll get better.
Oh Rocco, about
that obstacle course,
mimeograph a
second set of orders
cancelling the
first set of orders.
Hey Roc, what is this, one
man didn't sign up for the policy?
That's right, Sarge.
Gunther the new
man, he's the only one.
Oh those poor souls.
They have to learn
the hard way, huh?
Did you put the
hole in the door?
Look.
Splendid! Splendid!
Gunther, look alive your beloved
Sarge wants you here, Gunter.
Good, looks just
like a bullet hole.
I hate to use this gimmick,
but when they force
me to throw in the...
- You wanna see me, Sarge?
- Come in son, you're new here.
It's about time we had
a heart to heart talk.
Sarge, I don't think I need
any accident insurance.
That's where you're wrong.
I can give you 10 reasons
why you should have an...
what are you doing Rocco?
Just cleaning my rifle, Sarge.
That's a good boy,
but don't disturb us.
Now where was I?
Trying to do me out
of my last 20 bucks.
Silly boy, now look, I couldn't
give you the policy this cheap
if it wasn't in the group plan.
You see the fact that a lot of...
Rocco, now what are you doing?
It's not loaded, Sarge.
I know, but be careful,
people are talking.
Sarge, look, I'm
careful, I'm healthy.
I really don't need
any insurance.
That's where you're wrong.
Accidents don't discern
between careful or healthy people.
Accidents can happen...
Rocco, will you please.
Oh I'm sorry.
Sarge, look, some other
time. I got things to do.
All right, I tried.
Good luck kid.
Bang!!
Rocco! What did you do?
I told you to be careful.
Are you all right,
are you bleeding?
Look at that!
Boy, that missed
you by a half an inch.
A half an inch closer, you
would've been a dead duck.
Can you see?
Accidents can happen.
Well, back to work.
Oh splendid, I'll have
your policy in 20 minutes.
Run along son.
Are you all right?
I would have been hit
in the head with that.
Well, a miss is
as good as a mile.
Good, huh? We'll
make a lot of money.
- We'll have the Colonel...
- Hey Sarge.
Well, there he is my
roving insurance agent.
How did you do with the WACs?
Not bad, Sarge, 3 WACs went
for the health insurance deal.
- Good, did you collect?
- Billie and Edna paid.
And I'm gonna collect
from Sally right now.
I'll go along with you.
It gives them confidence
to meet the President.
Rocco, mind the store.
- Hi Sally.
- Oh Cpl. Henshaw.
I have the money for
the premium right here.
Fine and here's your receipt.
Oh incidentally, have
you met Sgt. Ernest Bilko?
He's the President and
founder of Bilko of Baxter.
Hello, Sgt. Bilko.
Oh that.. what's that Sgt.
Bilko? You call me Ernie.
You find that we
at Bilko of Baxter
are much more
informal than that.
We're not one of those companies
with an adding
machine for a heart.
Congratulations on taking
the policy and may I say,
I hope you never have to collect
on your health plan insurance.
On the contrary, I'm
looking forward to it.
You're look... what?
The Multiple Maternity Clause,
you see I hope to
get married some day
and have lots of children.
Maybe your policy
will bring me luck.
Isn't that sweet?
Yes maybe we will.
You know if you get
twins, we give you $300.
There's nothing like
looking forward to the future.
The... Excuse me.
Is this you? Oh that's sweet.
- Who are your friends?
- They're my sisters.
Ah, there is a remarkable
resemblance there, isn't there?
There should be, we're triplets.
Aha, and that... what
Triplets! It runs in the family.
My mother was
one of triplets too.
So you see that's
why I wanted to get...
Yes, I, I see. Yes, splendid!
Can I see you a
minute Cpl. Henshaw?
Did you hear what
your friend did?
Did you hear what he did?
Sells a policy to a triplet?
Sarge, look, honest I
didn't see the picture.
How could you miss it?
It was standing
right in front of you.
Have you forgotten the
Multiple Maternity Benefits?
But look Ernie, would
you relax please.
She's not married.
She's not going with anybody
and the policy's
only good for a year.
Then you should be more careful.
Get me Doberman.
Doberman!
We gotta make out a policy.
We made a deal, we've
gotta go through with it.
You know why I'm so anxious?
This is our chance
for the big money.
I don't wanna blow it.
It's like getting up
in the World Series
and hitting into a triple-play.
He isn't here Sarge.
- Who?
- Doberman.
Oh, do me a favour,
will you Wally?
Get this over to a WAC
named Sally Fisher
at the Administration Building.
Oh gee, Sarge, I'm
expecting a visitor any minute.
I'll see that they
wait till you get back.
Move it! On the double move it!
How much have
you got in the till?
Over $800.
Not bad for a week's work
and we're just starting to build.
It gives you a nice
feeling, doesn't it?
3 buddies running a
smart move together,
it gives you a warm feeling.
By the way, I don't think I saw
your name down for a policy.
Us?
You too can have an
accident, like losing your stripes.
- Get your names in there!
- Come in.
Excuse me, I'm
looking for Pvt. Gunther.
Oh, he'll be back
any minute now.
- Who are you?
- I'm his twin brother, Pete.
Did you hear that, twin brother?
Yeah, they call us
Pete and Repeat.
Hey, that's kind of cute.
Why don't you wait
for him in the barracks?
You'll be more
comfortable there.
Make yourself at home.
It's amazing how
much they look alike...
What's the matter, Sarge? What?
I just sent Wally
over to meet Sally.
- So what?
- She's a triplet.
- So what?
- So what?
Twin, triplet it's like
introducing nitro to glycerine.
- Ernie, will you take it easy.
- Take it easy, he says.
Suppose they meet and fall in
love and get married, huh, huh?
Twin, triplets, 3+2, they
could have quintuplets!
It costs me $10,000!
I gotta stop 'em before
they can meet each other.
You! You! Triplets!
I'm glad I brought
this over Sally.
- I'm glad too, Wally.
- I'm glad you're glad, Sally.
Oh it's too late.
Oh Sally, I see you have
your policies isn't that swell.
Well thank you Gunther
for bringing it over now.
We have, ah, Sally, oh,
oh.. Gunther look I've...
Sally?
Oh here comes
Col. Hall, Ten-shun.
Give up $10,000? Now look,
from now on I don't want
them to be alone for a minute.
You watch them every
minute, do you understand,
now get 'em out of here.
We've have a busy day,
everybody back to work, here we go.
- I'll call you later Sally.
- Don't forget, Wally.
Look Sally you're not gonna fall
for one of these Army romances?
It's just that you're lonesome.
You're away from home
and what you think is romance
it's just homesick
and, Sally, triplets.
- What's playin', Wally?
- Who cares?
Red Devil this is Bird
Dog, come in please, over.
Bird Dog this is Red Devil,
I read you loud and clear.
It's Hensh, Ernie.
Hensh this is Bilko, go ahead.
They're in the Roseville
Movie House Sarge.
I'll stand by, over.
I got you, over and out.
Hensh? Shh!
Would, would you
mind, just move over one.
Please, thank you very much.
Would you mind, I'm
trying to see the picture
just a little
separation, please..
Wally?
- Hiya Sally?
- Hello Sergeant.
- Hi, Bilko.
- Would you like a little popcorn, kids?
- No, no thanks.
- No thanks.
I got plenty. I've got
plenty if you want it.
Okay.
I fortunately found
a seat down front,
I can't see too far back.
Well, I'll just clean my glasses
and we'll have a jolly time...
Oh I dropped my glasses.
Would you, would
you help me find them?
I'm helpless without my glasses.
Maybe they're under your
seat, do you mind Wally?
Just look around.
I'd appreciate it.
Maybe they're ah, I got it.
Thanks, here they
were, I got 'em.
They were under your
seat. Thanks very much.
Sarge you're in my seat.
- Your seat?
- Yeah.
Whadda you got a reservation?
- No, but.
- What's your rank soldier?
- Private.
- What is that?
- Sergeant.
- Watch the picture.
Red Devil this is Bird Dog.
They just went into
Roseville Park, over.
Sally, I'm tired of walking.
Let's sit down here.
All right Wally.
Sure is a beautiful
night, isn't it Sally?
Any night is beautiful
as long as we're together.
Where is that little
rascal? Where.. I'll get y...
Oh excuse me you
see I... Sally, Wally!
I didn't know that was you.
I've been chasing this
Kansas Midnight Moth.
- They're very rare you know.
- Well, good luck Bilko.
Yes and I'll get
that... oh there it is.
Oh would you mind
picking up the net for me.
Thank you there's a good fellow.
I've been running after that
Kansas Moth for over 5 months.
You don't mind if I sit
down a minute do you?
- Lovely night isn't it?
- Yeah wasn't it?
Well look will you
excuse us Bilko,
we're gonna walk around awhile.
- Come on Sally.
- Oh sure - there he is!
Where? I don't see anything.
He's following you don't
look around I'll get him.
Ah, come here, I see
him, I see him, little moth...
Were is he?
Where is Henshaw? He
was supposed to report in.
Listen Sarge, why don't
you leave the kids alone?
- They're in love.
- In love I'm in love too.
I'm in love with my money
and I don't wanna lose it.
- There he is.
- What are you doing here?
You're supposed to
be watching Gunther.
- He's asleep Sarge.
- Are you sure?
You sure he didn't sneak out?
Well come on see, for yourself.
See there he is.
Yeah look at him
smiling in his sleep.
I don't like it.
I don't like it.
- What? What?
- He must be dreaming about her.
Wake him up! Wake him up!
Sarge.
Why don't you get
some sleep yourself?
All right, but I want 'em
watched day and night
especially night.
Tell you what, put him on
Guard Duty for the whole week.
But that's rough, Ernie.
It's the only chance we
got is to keep him apart
or otherwise I'll be ruined.
You, you with your triplets!
How's it going, Gunther?
- Just fine Sarge.
- Good boy.
Guard everything in sight.
Aah, this is a day to remember
Roc, hot water in the latrine.
You're counting, eh?
Yeah, Sarge this is the
best deal you ever thought of.
You know we got over
$1,200 in the treasury.
- Say it again?
- Over $1,200 in the treasury.
- Music, beautiful music.
- Hey, Ernie, it ain't working.
They went over to the
P.X. right after lunch.
Oh no, they're getting'
to be more trouble
than Romeo and Juliet!
So, what if they
went over the P.X.?
So what?! You forget the
P.X has a jewelry store.
The jewelry store
has engagement rings,
wedding rings, teething rings.
You better think of something.
Darn right, I'm gonna
go all out this time.
All out, I've been
too nice to these kids.
They're really
gonna get it, now.
That's right Sarge.
They got a lot of nerve
puttin' their happiness
ahead of your greed.
Henshaw, are you
thinking of resigning
your executive
position with the firm?
- No, Sarge.
- Keep a civil tongue in your mouth.
Now take a letter, when
I get through with Sally,
I'm gonna make her the most popular
girl there's ever been on this post.
She's gonna be too
busy to go out with Wally.
- Sally, popular?
- Yes, Just take a letter.
Write down "My Dearest Darling,
I've silently adored
you for 2 years,
I can't keep this
to myself anymore.
It's time you knew I want you
and I'm yours for the asking.
Adorably yours"
and sign it, Sally.
Who should I send this to?
Everybody! Everybody?
- In the whole platoon.
- You mean Mullen, Gomez?
And Doberman too, yes everybody!
When I get through with her
she's gonna feel like Kim Novak.
Yeah, with this pack after her
she's gonna feel
like Clyde Beatty.
No jokes, just spray plenty
of perfume on all the letters.
- I'm sorry, I'm busy.
- I got your note Sally.
Oh what a lovely delicate
hand you have my dear.
I thought you'd like
this book on poetry.
A bouquet for the
fairest flower of all.
I'm sorry, I'm busy tonight.
The note you
wrote, I got it Sally.
- Do you want to go out dancing
tomorrow?
- I'm busy all this week.
Shall we give the
Snake Pit a whirl honey?
- Sally, you and I.
- Please, oh please!
Now what's happening
around here anyway?
Well Sally you
know me and flowers.
Oh please, I've got to go
outside. Give me some air.
- I dream...
- Oh no!
Sally listen I...
I brought you some
candy and flowers Sally,
sweets for the sweet.
(all speaking together)
What's on your mind kid?
You wanted to talk
to me, what is it?
I don't know Sarge, I
finally found a girl I like
and now it seems like every
guy on the post is after her.
Look kid, you've got to
face it with a girl like Sally,
who's so attractive
she's bound to be popular.
I know but why all of a sudden?
You can't figure women
out. I've tried you just can't...
Why don't you go off
the post for a few weeks
and get a different
viewpoint on e..?
Suppose I arrange 2-weeks
leave for ya, how about that?
- 2 weeks leave?
- Yes.
Say that might be the
best thing. Thanks Sarge.
Hey that's, that's
real nice of you.
Think nothing of
it kid, glad to do it.
Good luck to you kid.
That does it, by the
time he gets back,
their romance will be
colder than a Kansas winter.
Give me the grizzies..don't
give me with the Italian eyes.
I'm doing this for us.
It's the insurance
business or them.
Let's get down to business.
Ernie, Ernie, wake up, wake up!
- Sarge, wake up!
- Come on!
- What is it?
- He's gone, he's gone!
- Who's gone?
- Gunther.
Jerk, I got him his leave, now
get out of here, let me sleep.
But you don't understand
Sarge, Sally's gone too.
- They've eloped.
- Eloped?
They're too young to
elope, she's only 17!
Sarge, she's 24.
Well call the M.P.s
they're AWOL, M.P.s!
- Sarge!
- Call the FBI they're thieves,
they're running
away with my money!
He's a twin, they'll have
children we'll have to shell out!
Sarge, will you
calm down please.
There's nothing
you can do about it.
And stop worrying, Sarge.
Even if they do get married,
don't mean they're going
to have kids right away.
That's right and the
policy's only good for a year.
That's right we're still in
the insurance business.
What about... can I
ask you a question?
- Yeah.
- You had this all figured out?
- Yeah.
- Why d'you wake me?
Why did you wake me?
Hello boys.
Hiya Sally, how's
the lovely bride?
- Just fine thank you.
- Where's the lucky groom?
He's out shopping. He'll
be back in a moment.
- That's sweet.
- Won't you sit down?
Thank you, thank
you. Ah, there they are.
Ah, I think it's great
you kids getting married,
settling down in a little home
getting to know each other.
And I suppose in a
little while raise a family
we'll say in about 3 or 4 years.
Wait that long?
Well of course give yourself
every chance for happiness.
It's not my opinion, the
Ladies Home Journal
will tell you that.
- Give yourself.
- Hiya fellas, hello honey.
Hey, there he is.
Oh that's sweet.
Makes you feel warm
all over, doesn't it?
Here's the stuff you wanted
honey, pickles and ice cream.
Thanks honey.
What were you about
to say, Sergeant?
Ruined! I'm ruined!
Look, will you relax
Ernie, the odds are with us.
Listen Ernie, we've got
over $1,500 in the treasury.
Now even if she has twins,
we're still in good shape.
Sure twins are only $300
that'll still leave us over $1,000.
- Yeah.
- Over $1,000 that's not bad.
- Mr. Gunther?
- Yes, yes, that's me.
Oh congratulations soldier.
Your wife is doing just fine.
- How many, how many?
- Well go see for yourself.
Miss, Miss! Is that
the Gunther baby?
This one? This one?
All of them.
Quadruplets...
Ernie, we're ruined.
We're, we're wiped out!
There he is, that's Mr. Gunther.
Hold it please, Mr. Gunther
just one for the Roseville Gazette.
Thank you.
Mr. Gunther, I'd like to speak to
you about some endorsements.
You know cereal companies
milk companies, diaper service.
You know there's big
bonuses in that sort of thing.
Hold it, just a minute.
- You represent a reputable firm?
- Yes.
You know I'm this boy's
agent, you understand?
He doesn't make a move
without me. What do you want?
Professional
appearances to start with
would you like him to take a
bow on the Ed Sullivan Show,
that would be a big show.
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:
Orson Bean as Wally Gunther,
Rain Winslow as Sally,
Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover,
and Russell Hardie
as the Insurance Man.