The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 30 - Bilko the Marriage Broker - full transcript
Lt.Wallace takes command of Company B & makes the lives of Bilko and his men a nightmare. Bilko thinks things might ease up if the Lt. has a woman in his life. It's not long before the real reason behind the Lt.'s behavior is revealed.
Good morning, men.
Rise and shine we have a
busy schedule today, men.
So let's get on the ball.
It's a beautiful spring day.
So keep your mind on your work.
Lt. T.R. Wallace
arrived last night,
takes over duties as
Company B's new commander.
That is all, rise and shine!
Hey, good morning, men!
Good morning! Good morning!
I'm your new
Company Commander...
Why didn't you tell me
this was the hospital?
It isn't, Sir. This is your
Motor Pool Platoon.
- You mean these men are in the
Army?
- Yes.
- Him too?
- I'm afraid so, Sir.
All right, everybody
up! Everybody up!
Let's go! Everybody up!
Out of those sacks.
Let's go everybody up!
Come on now! Hey,
everybody up, let's go!
Let's go! Everybody up!
Let's go! Hey let's go!
Everybody up, let's go!
- What's going on?
- Eh!
Everybody up!
Get out of the sack!
Come on Doberman!
Let's go! Come
on, move it, let's go!
Look alive! Let's go!
2nd platoon ready
for inspection, Sir.
Morning men, I'm Lt. Wallace,
your new Company Commander.
This is the sloppiest
barracks I've ever seen.
Why can't you follow the
example of your Sergeant?
He's up. He's out. His
bed's already made.
With a man like
that for your leader
I expect greater
things from you men.
Oh, come on,
Rupert! Knock it off!
Come on Rupert, all
right, enough is enough.
Oh, come on, just
one more hour of poker.
Look, goodnight.
Go home to your wife.
Go home to your wife?
It's easy for you to say.
I gotta do it. Come on. Come on.
What are you guys
doing up so early?
Look, I'm warning you, if one
guy wakes me up, I'm warning you.
I want... What?
I know you've got
lovely Sicilian eyes.
What is it? What are
you trying to tell me?
They're trying to tell you
your new Company
Commander has arrived.
Do you mind? I asked
him, let's not butt in.
Roll call! Roll call! Anderson,
Doberman, Gomez...
- Quiet! Quiet!
- Hold it.
Sir, I'm just trying to get
the man out to work, Sir.
- Quite!
- Hold that.
Sir, they're so eager
to get out to their work.
Is that why they
slept through reveille?
Did you sleep through reveille?
You're bad soldiers! Bad!
Oh, that'll be enough!
That'll be enough!
I'm Lt. Wallace, your new
Company Commander.
- Sgt. Bilko, Sir.
- Glad to have you aboard, Sir.
How about that,
men. Hip, hip! Hooray!
Hip, hip! Hooray!
- Quiet! Quiet!
- Hold that!
Oh, this is the sloppiest,
the dirtiest outfit
that I have ever seen.
You noticed it too, Sir?
From this moment on, there
will be a daily inspection.
You will have drill, hikes,
full field pack, 20 mile hikes.
May I remind you Lt, we're
just a service outfit, Sir.
Sergeant, you will have your men
assemble on the parade grounds
for calisthenics in 10 minutes.
Carry on!
- You heard the Lieutenant.
We're going to be on those
parade grounds in 10 minute...
Oh, we're gonna
miss him around here.
Sarge, this one sounds tough.
They're all tough
till I soften them up.
- How?
- How?
There's 100 ways to take
care of an eager beaver.
First, we'll give
him a little gift,
a pair of socks or something.
It'll make him think we
think he's a regular guy.
Then for a zinger we throw
"We love our Company
Commander" party.
Let's go, come on! Get
moving! Get moving!
Double time, let's go.
Let's go! Come on, jig it up!
Jig it up! Come on, pick it up!
Pick it up! Let's go, hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Come on, get going!
Let's go!
For he's a jolly good fellow,
for he's a jolly good fellow,
for he's a jolly good fellow...
Men, after 3 weeks you have
shown absolutely no improvement.
Now, let's take it
again, one more time.
Only this time, double time.
Boys, gently, gently
towards the bed.
- Sarge, this guy's a monster.
- Easy, please.
There must be some way
that we can get rid of him.
- Inspection!
- Inspection!
Inspection!
Attention!
Attention! Arms.
Well, not bad Bilko. Not bad.
I see you took time to
take a little dirt off this riffle.
Yes Sir, I did exactly
as you wanted, Sir.
I took it apart, cleaned it
and put it right back
together again, Sir.
Not bad, not bad at all.
Where's the trigger?
The trigger, Sir?
Yes, the little doodad you
pull if you want to fire the gun.
Oh well, Sir, I had
some parts leftover.
Is this it, Sir?
- No, that's the main string.
Oh, you'll notice
they're all clean, Sir.
I've kept them in an envelope,
Sir, in case somebody just...
- Bilko!
- Sir.
This platoon does not go to bed
until every piece of equipment
has passed inspection.
- Carry on!
- Yes, Sir.
- Oh, Sir, just a moment Sir.
- Yes what is it?
I hate to disturb
the Lieutenant, Sir.
But we have these papers
here that have to be signed,
you understand, Sir.
- Hmm.
These are requisitions
for the motor pool.
It's just for some gas, Sir.
- I see.
I do hate to trouble
you with this red tape.
Well this one right
here, just sign that.
Thank you very much, Sir.
Do you mind if I
read that one now?
- No this is just the...
- Do you mind?
I signed it, I'd
like to read it.
Please, I'd like to read this one.
- Yes, Sir.
"I, Lt. T.R. Wallace,
request immediate transfer
to the United States
Navy for the duration of..."
- A transfer?
- Come on, who's the joker?
Don't worry, Sir, I'll
track him down, Sir.
- All right, quiet!
- Hold that.
Bilko, dismiss your men.
Yes, Sir. All right,
knock it off, boys.
- Sergeant!
- Sir?
Dismiss your men properly.
Oh properly, all
right, ready, aim, fire!
- As you were!
- Now, we have a lot of work...
Oh, this guy is murder.
Sarge, this guy is murdering us.
- Sarge, he ain't human.
- He's a monster.
No, he isn't.
He's a perfectly normal
young man who is
obviously suffering from a
neuro-frustration complex.
Yeah?
Of course, Freud
proved this in his theory
when he gave the analysis of
the young Viennese nobleman,
Baron von Snitzel, a high strung
young man of the aristocracy,
who showed signs
of mental strain
when he started shooting
down his own men.
Oh yes, the authorities
tried to reason with him
but he just kept laughing
and shooting down men.
Freud was called into the case,
fortunately for them,
because Freud saw it.
Freud saw what on
the surface looked like
a maniacal outburst
of utter rejection.
Freud, in language that the laymen
would understand, showed them
the bang, bang, bang
of the gun was symbolic.
It said, give, give, give!
Bang! Bang! Bang! Give, give!
He wanted love.
And so, in the twisted thwarting
of his mind, he went bang!
Bang! Bang!
Don't you see the parallel
with this young Lieutenant here?
Don't you see the
compulsive drive
against this neurotic
for attention?
Don't you see it?
When the Lieutenant
says "Present arms!",
his tries to.. "Present arms!",
do you know what he's saying?
Give arms, give arms.
I want to be one of you.
Don't you see?
His libido was so
twisted into the Id complex
and the Oedipus
complex that it's...
It's as plain as Freud.
If he was alive today he would
see this man's complexes.
In other words, he needs a girl.
- A girl?
- Yes, a girl.
But how long has he
been here? It's been spring.
Has he looked at a girl once?
No, he's been too
busy looking at us.
- Rocco.
- Yes.
Get me a list of all the
available dames on the post.
Check.
Paparelli, get to
his room, find a clue.
Give me the type
of girl he likes.
How? How?
Look at his pinups,
look at his magazines.
Magazines?
Find the pages with
his thumbprints on them.
- I hope it works.
- You hope this works.
We're desperate.
If it doesn't work, you
know what's gonna happen?
He's going to make
soldiers out of us.
Us! Soldiers!
You went through his entire room
and that's all the evidence
you came up with?
That's right.
A picture of Anita Eckberg
had the only thumbprints.
All right, go on.
In 3 weeks he's been here,
he only went to one movie,
"War and Peace."
War and Peace,
Anita Eckberg, again.
Boys, we're starting
to pinpoint the target.
- Go on.
- He had dinner in town once.
- Who did he have it with?
- He ate alone.
- Alone.
- He had Swedish meatballs.
Swedish meatballs,
Anita Eckberg, again.
Get her measurements,
they're in my file.
We've got to find
a dame on this post
with measurements
close to Anita Eckberg.
Here it is, Sarge.
Huh, you've got
the availability list?
- One dame.
- One dame?
Well, all the WAC
officers are engaged
and he can't go
with enlisted WACs.
- Who's the dame?
- Is this it, Miss Gloria Wigman?
Yeah, she's the Post
Librarian and a civilian.
Any of you guys know
what she looks like?
- Waist 26.
- Waist 26.
Waist 26.
But I heard nothing
about the Army
putting the civilian
help in uniforms.
My dear, the order
just came through
and you're our only civilian.
We want you to
have the perfect fit.
Listen to him.
- Hips 40.
- Hips 40.
- Hips 40.
Is it going to have
a Peter Pan collar?
Oh yes, and I can
give you puffed sleeves.
Oh, and am I going
to have a dangle?
You'll have the dandiest
dangle you've ever seen.
Oh, the book I asked
you, can you find it?
What was it again?
The book on motors, The Do's
and Don'ts on Diesel by Undershaft.
Oh yes, The Dos and Don'ts
on Diesel by Undershaft.
Give me her measurements.
Where's Anita Eckberg's?
How do they match, Sarge?
It's amazing, exactly the
same measurements, 40-32.
No kidding!
With one exception, where
Eckberg is 40, she's 32,
and where she's
32, Eckberg is 40.
Sarge, you've got to give up.
Give up nothing,
it's our only hope.
That's the story, Sir.
We've kept this
young lady so late
looking up technical
books for us,
she missed the last bus home.
And then, this last minute
job on the Colonel's staff
car came along and we were all so
busy, we can't drive her home, Sir.
- I'm not busy, Sergeant.
- You're not busy?
Have you forgotten the
tires on the half-track?
But, Sarge...
Always volunteering, that's
the way my men are trained, Sir.
And so, I just feel terrible, Sir,
nobody left to drive her home.
- We're so busy.
- Well, in that case I suppose I...
Would you, Sir? That's
awfully nice of you.
She'll show you the way. She
knows just how to get there.
Ensure you take the shortcut
where the shimmering moonlight...
- Oh, I know, I know.
- She knows.
No one hand driving, Sir.
Happy landing, have a nice trip.
- Sugie.
- Yeah.
You've got
everything figured out?
That they run out
of gas in lover's lane.
We measured till the last drop.
In exactly 13 minutes,
the jeep will come to a stop
exactly at Smooch Point.
Smooch Point, from then on
Mother Nature takes its own course.
We can relax, boys.
Tomorrow we'll all sleep late.
He'll be here hanging
around the library all day.
How can I? I haven't
got a library card.
Oh, we'll fix you up with one.
What happened to the
enchanting young lady, Sir?
Pvt. Doberman is
taking care of her.
- Doberman.
- He volunteered.
He's a good man, that Doberman.
Volunteered.
Will you check with
me as soon as you get
the Colonel's car
fixed? I'll be in my office.
Yes Sir, now you
heard the Lieutenant,
check on the car, we've got
to work on the car because...
I don't get this at all.
Young man, it's spring,
a lovely night like this.
He could be sitting in the car
with a beautiful young lady, no.
He wants to sit in an office.
It's against all
rules of nature.
Doesn't he know it's
the mating season?
Doesn't he know it's spring,
when nature demands...
- Wait a minute.
- What is it, Sarge?
Maybe he doesn't know.
- Flowers for me, Bilko?
- Yes, Sir.
I thought they would
brighten up your office.
Do you mind if I put
them on the sill, Sir?
You see, Sir, in the morning
the bees can get at them.
- The bees?
- Yes, Sir.
Well, you see, Sir, at
this time of the year,
there's pollen in the flowers
and the birds and the bees,
they just have this big
desire to get at that pollen.
Excuse me, Sir, you are over 21.
I'm way ahead of you, Bilko.
I've been giving sex lectures
to the men for the last 5 years.
- Oh, then you know.
- I know.
Ok, Sir. He knows.
Are you sure you didn't
overlook any girls on the post?
No. How about Cleo, the Clutch?
That hash slinger,
for an officer?
Why don't look alive?
He's got to have
something special.
You know the kind
of girl he would go for?
- Col. Hall, please.
- Right in there, Lieutenant.
- Thank you, Sir.
- Go right in, Sir.
I'll tell you the kind
of girl he would go for.
That's the kind,
blonde. She's an officer.
Looks like Anita Eckberg.
But will that ever
happen on this post?
It happened. This is it.
Thank you! Thank you!
Watch the doors.
Her name is Lt. Rogers and
she's just been stationed here.
Now look, wait a
minute. I saw her first.
- Excuse me, sirs.
- What is it, Bilko?
- Isn't it wonderful?
- What's wonderful?
I mean about Lt.
Wallace's fiancé,
Lt. Rogers who's been
transferred to this post.
She's Tom Wallace's fiancée?
Oh, I do hope, it's a
spring wedding, don't you?
I know you chaps would
look wonderful at the chapel
holding the swords
over their heads.
Tom never mentioned it.
Oh, you know him, he's the
intensely, silent, jealous type.
Heavyweight champion
at West Point, you know.
And they're brooders,
oh my goodness.
- Are you going in?
- No, I'll get in later.
All right, Sir. Swell.
Get Lt. Wallace, have
him over at the motor pool.
I'm gonna see that they meet
before the wolf pack
makes their move.
Well, I must say Sergeant,
you make your Company
Commander Lt. Wallace
sound like some
kind of a superman.
Oh yes, wait till
you meet him, Sir.
Blue eyes, please
notice them, very sincere.
I must say, we've all
lost our hearts to him.
Cpl. Barbella said you want to
see me about something, Bilko.
Oh yes, Lieutenant, I would
like you to meet Lt. Rogers.
She's just been
transferred to our post, Sir.
How do you do? How do you do?
I don't believe you heard me,
Sir, this is Lt. Rogers, what!
So?
But Sir, I just wanted
you to be the first
to meet the Lieutenant.
- I got the name.
Look, Bilko have you become
the social director on this post?
I assure you Lieutenant,
it wasn't my idea.
I'm not anxious to
meet conceited officers.
And I'm not fainting at the
sight of any second Lieutenant
who takes advantage of what
some naïve men might call flashy.
- Now this has gone...
- Why you, conceited, big headed...
Please Lieutenant, I was just
showing her around the post, Sir.
I've seen enough,
Sergeant. Thank you.
Why aren't you out
on the rifle range
- with the rest of your men...
- Sir this is all wrong...
instead of being a sightseeing
guide? Now, get going!
- I thought... yes,
Sir - Get going, Bilko!
I'm sure Lt. Rogers
has no trouble finding
some man to escort her
around the post, after all she's...
- He's gone.
- Oh, darling.
I thought that transfer
would never come through.
I had to be careful, sweetheart.
After all, if they found
out I was getting a transfer
just to be near you,
it might get to father.
Of all the girls I have
to become engaged to,
it has to be the
daughter of a General,
who believes having his
daughter on the same post
with the man she loves
is taking advantage
of a military privilege.
- Oh, darling, I don't care.
- I just want to get married.
- No, I can't, I can't.
- Not until I'm a Captain.
- I promised your father.
- Yes, darling.
Remember, Virginia, no one must
even suspect we know each other.
- We've got to play it cold.
- We've got to play it cold.
The first time I ever
saw 2 people meet
it was hate at first sight.
- You ain't kidding.
You should have been at
the administration building,
they had a big fight
in front of everybody.
I don't get it.
He's a good looking
guy, she's a pretty girl.
They're young. It's spring.
They should be making enough
electricity to light a small city.
Sarge, you've got to face
it. They hate each other.
So what? It's very easy
to turn hate into love.
- All it needs is a spark.
- What kind of spark?
- The spark of jealousy.
- Jealousy?
Yeah, the minute she sees another
dame interested in him, wham!
- She wants him for herself.
- Another dame?
Yeah, somebody nice and
flashy like... Cleo the Clutch.
Oh you mean the
waitress at the diner?
Yeah.
She goes to work on him
tonight at the post movie.
Do you think the
Clutch will do it?
Let me handle the
Clutch. Give me my shoes.
Towel! Towel!
Well?
Are you sure this
Hollywood talent scout
is going to be at the
post movie tonight?
Clutch, would I lie to you?
Yeah, but I'm in no
position to doubt it.
Good girl, here's what you do.
Do you mind?
Here's what you do, the seat
in front of me will be empty.
That's the seat you sit in.
Now, you make a play for
your officer sitting to your left.
Officer? I thought
he was a talent scout.
Look, he's come to an
Army post looking for talent.
What should he
wear, a hockey outfit?
I don't know, the whole
thing sounds phony.
Cleo, let me, let me
assure you... Do you mind?
This is no floor show here.
Please eat your cruller.
Now look, you've
got nothing to lose,
the worst comes to the worst,
you see a movie for nothing.
Let me worry about it.
Rocco will tell you
when you show up, ok?
- Ok.
- Good girl.
She's so... last touch.
Oh, right here, Lieutenant,
what luck, an empty seat.
Thank you. Thank
you very much, Bilko.
Lieutenant, Lieutenant,
what luck, the only seat
left in the entire
show, right here.
I'm glad you could
come, Lieutenant.
Thank you, Sergeant.
- Excuse me.
- What's wrong, Sir?
Do you mind if I choose
whom I sit next to?
I don't want to see the picture
that badly either, excuse me.
Excuse me, Sir, this may
not be my business to say so,
but this will have a terrible effect
on the morale of the men, Sir.
Won't you please be seated?
Well, very well, Sergeant.
Oh, no!
Here are 2 seats here, Gloria.
Oh Duane, you're so masterful.
I'm sorry, this is not
the back of the jeep.
Out! Out!
Duane, are you gonna
let him talk to me like that?
No.
Here we are, sirs,
there was a mistake,
they belong up in the balcony.
Thank you, Sergeant.
It's nice and comfy
in here, isn't it?
Ah, the picture's
about to start.
My, its dark and
romantic in here, isn't it?
- Sarge, the Clutch.
- Quick, the Clutch.
- What?
- He's gotta fix the clutch.
Yeah.
- Bilko.
- Oh, it's nothing.
The picture brings out
the Spanish in me, Sir.
You see the officer
sitting right in front of me,
now you know what to do.
Look, get in there and pitch,
Clutch, this means... you know,
make sure to run your
fingers through his hair.
Lay your head on his shoulder.
Colonel, Colonel, please
take my seat, will you, Sir?
- No, no.
- Please, please.
Mrs. Hall, you take mine.
I'm not interested at all in
the picture, really, Colonel.
- Neither am I.
- Are you sure?
Yes.
Oh, I hope we haven't
missed too much.
Oh, I'm sorry,
you can't sit here.
These seats are taken, please.
- Colonel?
- What is it, Bilko?
- Nothing, Sir.
- I'm sorry, Miss, you can't sit here.
Well, this is an empty seat.
I know Sir, but I don't
think she better seat here.
Quiet!
Just to give you a
little more comfort.
- Would you move?
- Quiet, Bilko, watch the picture.
- Yes, Sir.
- Cleo, would you get out of here.
Get out! Come on!
Stop handling this young lady.
It's not that I'm
handling her, Sir.
It's just, are you
comfortable here, Sir?
- Yes.
- All right.
Now, you have to leave
young lady. I'm awfully sorry.
Bilko, take your hands
off the young lady.
I'm sorry, Sir. I
think this is a spy.
All right, Ivan, take your
wig off, we know you.
Bilko, leave this
theatre at once,
report to my office
in the morning.
- That's an order.
- Yes, Sir.
- What's all the trouble, John?
- Nothing, nothing.
- Yes, Miss.
- I am Cynthia.
- Mr. Claypoole sent for me.
- Oh, yes, he's expecting you.
- Cynthia, you came.
- Marcus.
We can't go on this way.
Darling, nobody knows.
My heart knows.
Oh, darling.
Oh, Cynthia, I wish
there was a way out.
Oh, Marcus, our love...
Marcus.
Someday, Cynthia, I'll put the
world at your feet, right now...
- Yes, Marcus?
- Right now, I must...
John? Who is this young lady?
Oh Nell, believe
me, I, I, I don't know.
Shame on you, and in
front of all your men too.
Ah, please, please, young
lady. Nell, really, I don't know.
- Please, really, young lady now...
- You old goat, you!
Not in front of the men.
Well, perhaps you 2
would rather be alone.
- I'm going home.
- Please, Nell, please.
Young lady, please.
Please, young lady.
Nell, you heard
Bilko, she's a spy.
- Yes.
- Thank you.
- Well, congratulations Tom.
- Congratulations?
Why you wanted to
keep your engagement
to a doll like Lt. Rogers
a secret is beyond me.
- How did you find out about that?
- Oh, come on.
- Oh, good morning Colonel.
- What's good about it?
Did you enjoy the
movie last night, Sir?
Oh, that's right, you were the
young man that gave me that seat.
- Yes, Sir.
- Excuse me, Col.
Stay away from me, young lady.
Oh, it's you, I didn't know.
I didn't get a wink
of sleep last night.
Oh, Edna, look, would
you check... Excuse me.
Ah, just a moment, Lieutenant,
I'd like to speak to you.
Would you, would you
file those for me, please?
Yes, Sir. Thank you.
- Oh, Tommy.
- Virginia.
What's the matter with you?
- Our secret's out.
Everybody knows
that we're engaged.
Well, good, as long as everybody
knows, we can get married.
But I promised your father
not until I'm a Captain.
We can get a jeep and
get married this afternoon.
I promised your father...
Never mind my father,
you're not marrying my father.
- You're marrying me.
- But Virginia, look...
This afternoon.
You'll enjoy the show,
I have a wonderful...
That... that'll be
all, Lieutenant.
That'll be all.
Stay out of the company
matters, you understand?
That's all, dis... dismissed.
- Dismissed.
- Yes, Lieutenant.
Really, Lieutenant,
he's a wonderful guy.
Have you noticed his
blue eyes, so sincere?
- Sergeant.
- Sir?
Sergeant, get a jeep
ready and fuel for me
at 2:00 o'clock this afternoon,
I'll pick it up at
the motor pool.
The motor pool?
But Sir, that's where Lt. Wallace
is usually hanging around.
Never mind, Sergeant.
I mean, you 2 are always
at each other's throat...
Just get the jeep, Sergeant.
Jeep, 2:00 o'clock at
the motor pool. Yes, Sir.
2:00 o'clock.
I know, but look, Bilko, are
you sure this is the right guy?
Yes, yes, now this
is the talent scout.
Now look, here is the scene,
at a few minutes
before 2:00 o'clock
you come into the motor pool
and you fling
yourself into his arms.
What? Yes, yes,
this is a screen test.
Now remember, here's your
lover and he's trying to leave you,
so Clutch, live up to your name.
Remember, give it everything.
- Darling, is everything ready?
- Yes, honey.
Now look, if your husband
was a Captain, you know,
you might have a
chance at something...
All I want to be
is Mrs. Wallace.
Right on time, at it
girl, Cleo, hang on,
Lt. Rogers will be
here any minute.
Bilko! Bilko, what is this?
Sir, please let me handle
this, get in there and pitch Cleo.
Cleo?
Lt. Rogers!
- Wait... you mean you 2?
- That's right, Bilko.
- Congratulations, Sir!
- Who is Cleo?
This is the happiest
moment of my life,
seeing you 2 together, Sir.
- Who is Cleo?
- I always said,
"All you needed was the
love of a good woman, Sir."
- Who is Cleo?
- And you, you sly Lieutenant,
ordering a jeep, you wanted
to get away and get married.
There isn't going
to be any marriage.
- No marriage?
- Not until I find out who Cleo is.
- Cleo?
- Cleo?
It's an expression we use now,
instead of saying everything
is snap, we say it's Cleo.
- Oh.
- It's kind of an
old Army expression, isn't it?
- Yes, Sir.
- Who is Cleo?
Who is Cleo? Have
you forgotten so soon?
Have those mad nights
meant nothing to you?
Tom, who is this woman?
- I assure you, it's the Clutch.
But what's she doing
in the motor pool?
She's a travelling sales
lady selling spare parts.
I'll give her an
order and she'll go...
Now, Sergeant, don't
try to cover for him.
No wonder you were
stalling around for you
to wait to become a Captain.
Virginia! Virginia!
- Cleo, cut!
- It's the wrong guy!
Again? Well, make up your mind!
This ain't doing my
reputation any good.
I'll see you, I'll see
you at the diner.
Well, congratulations, Bilko.
You just broke up my marriage.
Look, I'll explain
it to Lt. Rogers,
everything will be squared away.
I'll just tell her I did this,
which is the truth, just
to make her jealous.
- Well, just forget it Bilko.
- Forget it?
What's the use?
I couldn't marry her
until I was a Captain.
- A Captain?
- Yeah.
That's all that's
been bothering you?
All? It may take years.
Why didn't you just
mention it, Captain?
One little finger! One finger!
Bilko, this is the
most serious matter.
I know, Sir.
Bringing charges against Lt.
Wallace for extremely cruel,
and inhuman treatment
of enlisted men under him.
Sir, we could
barely hold out, Sir.
He had you, Bilko, and your
platoon out on a 20 mile hike?
Sir, it was a nightmare.
He made you take
the infiltration course?
Yes, that's where we
almost lost Doberman.
He had your platoon
out on the drill field?
Sir, the man is a fiend, Sir.
He should have
his Lieutenant bars
ripped right off him, Sir.
- You're so right.
Lt. Wallace, are these
charges made by the men true?
Yes, Sir.
Lieutenant, for doing what
no officer has been able to do
in the history of Fort Baxter,
I am recommending you for
immediate advancement to Captain.
Captain?
Sir, this is a direct slap
to every enlisted man,
Sir, the doughboys
who have worked...
- Quit! Quiet!
- Yes, Sir.
Bilko, it's time you learned
that I make the decisions
on this post, not you.
Yes, Sir. Of course, Sir.
See, all you had to do was ask.
Well, Captain,
darling. Capt. Wallace?
- Oh, Tom!
- But, Virginia, this is so sudden,
I, I just don't know what to do.
You don't know what to do?
Sir, please. You see,
at this time of the year,
the birds and bees
have this desire
to get into the
pollen in the flowers.
It's a perfectly natural urge.
The birds and bees know
that the pollen is there
as it should be and so they...
Oh, he knows! He knows!
Announcer: Also seen
on tonight's show were:
Biff McGuire as Lt. Wallace.
Constance Ford as Lt. Rogers.
Virginia De Louse as Cleo.
Janet Fox as the librarian.
And Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.
Rise and shine we have a
busy schedule today, men.
So let's get on the ball.
It's a beautiful spring day.
So keep your mind on your work.
Lt. T.R. Wallace
arrived last night,
takes over duties as
Company B's new commander.
That is all, rise and shine!
Hey, good morning, men!
Good morning! Good morning!
I'm your new
Company Commander...
Why didn't you tell me
this was the hospital?
It isn't, Sir. This is your
Motor Pool Platoon.
- You mean these men are in the
Army?
- Yes.
- Him too?
- I'm afraid so, Sir.
All right, everybody
up! Everybody up!
Let's go! Everybody up!
Out of those sacks.
Let's go everybody up!
Come on now! Hey,
everybody up, let's go!
Let's go! Everybody up!
Let's go! Hey let's go!
Everybody up, let's go!
- What's going on?
- Eh!
Everybody up!
Get out of the sack!
Come on Doberman!
Let's go! Come
on, move it, let's go!
Look alive! Let's go!
2nd platoon ready
for inspection, Sir.
Morning men, I'm Lt. Wallace,
your new Company Commander.
This is the sloppiest
barracks I've ever seen.
Why can't you follow the
example of your Sergeant?
He's up. He's out. His
bed's already made.
With a man like
that for your leader
I expect greater
things from you men.
Oh, come on,
Rupert! Knock it off!
Come on Rupert, all
right, enough is enough.
Oh, come on, just
one more hour of poker.
Look, goodnight.
Go home to your wife.
Go home to your wife?
It's easy for you to say.
I gotta do it. Come on. Come on.
What are you guys
doing up so early?
Look, I'm warning you, if one
guy wakes me up, I'm warning you.
I want... What?
I know you've got
lovely Sicilian eyes.
What is it? What are
you trying to tell me?
They're trying to tell you
your new Company
Commander has arrived.
Do you mind? I asked
him, let's not butt in.
Roll call! Roll call! Anderson,
Doberman, Gomez...
- Quiet! Quiet!
- Hold it.
Sir, I'm just trying to get
the man out to work, Sir.
- Quite!
- Hold that.
Sir, they're so eager
to get out to their work.
Is that why they
slept through reveille?
Did you sleep through reveille?
You're bad soldiers! Bad!
Oh, that'll be enough!
That'll be enough!
I'm Lt. Wallace, your new
Company Commander.
- Sgt. Bilko, Sir.
- Glad to have you aboard, Sir.
How about that,
men. Hip, hip! Hooray!
Hip, hip! Hooray!
- Quiet! Quiet!
- Hold that!
Oh, this is the sloppiest,
the dirtiest outfit
that I have ever seen.
You noticed it too, Sir?
From this moment on, there
will be a daily inspection.
You will have drill, hikes,
full field pack, 20 mile hikes.
May I remind you Lt, we're
just a service outfit, Sir.
Sergeant, you will have your men
assemble on the parade grounds
for calisthenics in 10 minutes.
Carry on!
- You heard the Lieutenant.
We're going to be on those
parade grounds in 10 minute...
Oh, we're gonna
miss him around here.
Sarge, this one sounds tough.
They're all tough
till I soften them up.
- How?
- How?
There's 100 ways to take
care of an eager beaver.
First, we'll give
him a little gift,
a pair of socks or something.
It'll make him think we
think he's a regular guy.
Then for a zinger we throw
"We love our Company
Commander" party.
Let's go, come on! Get
moving! Get moving!
Double time, let's go.
Let's go! Come on, jig it up!
Jig it up! Come on, pick it up!
Pick it up! Let's go, hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Come on, get going!
Let's go!
For he's a jolly good fellow,
for he's a jolly good fellow,
for he's a jolly good fellow...
Men, after 3 weeks you have
shown absolutely no improvement.
Now, let's take it
again, one more time.
Only this time, double time.
Boys, gently, gently
towards the bed.
- Sarge, this guy's a monster.
- Easy, please.
There must be some way
that we can get rid of him.
- Inspection!
- Inspection!
Inspection!
Attention!
Attention! Arms.
Well, not bad Bilko. Not bad.
I see you took time to
take a little dirt off this riffle.
Yes Sir, I did exactly
as you wanted, Sir.
I took it apart, cleaned it
and put it right back
together again, Sir.
Not bad, not bad at all.
Where's the trigger?
The trigger, Sir?
Yes, the little doodad you
pull if you want to fire the gun.
Oh well, Sir, I had
some parts leftover.
Is this it, Sir?
- No, that's the main string.
Oh, you'll notice
they're all clean, Sir.
I've kept them in an envelope,
Sir, in case somebody just...
- Bilko!
- Sir.
This platoon does not go to bed
until every piece of equipment
has passed inspection.
- Carry on!
- Yes, Sir.
- Oh, Sir, just a moment Sir.
- Yes what is it?
I hate to disturb
the Lieutenant, Sir.
But we have these papers
here that have to be signed,
you understand, Sir.
- Hmm.
These are requisitions
for the motor pool.
It's just for some gas, Sir.
- I see.
I do hate to trouble
you with this red tape.
Well this one right
here, just sign that.
Thank you very much, Sir.
Do you mind if I
read that one now?
- No this is just the...
- Do you mind?
I signed it, I'd
like to read it.
Please, I'd like to read this one.
- Yes, Sir.
"I, Lt. T.R. Wallace,
request immediate transfer
to the United States
Navy for the duration of..."
- A transfer?
- Come on, who's the joker?
Don't worry, Sir, I'll
track him down, Sir.
- All right, quiet!
- Hold that.
Bilko, dismiss your men.
Yes, Sir. All right,
knock it off, boys.
- Sergeant!
- Sir?
Dismiss your men properly.
Oh properly, all
right, ready, aim, fire!
- As you were!
- Now, we have a lot of work...
Oh, this guy is murder.
Sarge, this guy is murdering us.
- Sarge, he ain't human.
- He's a monster.
No, he isn't.
He's a perfectly normal
young man who is
obviously suffering from a
neuro-frustration complex.
Yeah?
Of course, Freud
proved this in his theory
when he gave the analysis of
the young Viennese nobleman,
Baron von Snitzel, a high strung
young man of the aristocracy,
who showed signs
of mental strain
when he started shooting
down his own men.
Oh yes, the authorities
tried to reason with him
but he just kept laughing
and shooting down men.
Freud was called into the case,
fortunately for them,
because Freud saw it.
Freud saw what on
the surface looked like
a maniacal outburst
of utter rejection.
Freud, in language that the laymen
would understand, showed them
the bang, bang, bang
of the gun was symbolic.
It said, give, give, give!
Bang! Bang! Bang! Give, give!
He wanted love.
And so, in the twisted thwarting
of his mind, he went bang!
Bang! Bang!
Don't you see the parallel
with this young Lieutenant here?
Don't you see the
compulsive drive
against this neurotic
for attention?
Don't you see it?
When the Lieutenant
says "Present arms!",
his tries to.. "Present arms!",
do you know what he's saying?
Give arms, give arms.
I want to be one of you.
Don't you see?
His libido was so
twisted into the Id complex
and the Oedipus
complex that it's...
It's as plain as Freud.
If he was alive today he would
see this man's complexes.
In other words, he needs a girl.
- A girl?
- Yes, a girl.
But how long has he
been here? It's been spring.
Has he looked at a girl once?
No, he's been too
busy looking at us.
- Rocco.
- Yes.
Get me a list of all the
available dames on the post.
Check.
Paparelli, get to
his room, find a clue.
Give me the type
of girl he likes.
How? How?
Look at his pinups,
look at his magazines.
Magazines?
Find the pages with
his thumbprints on them.
- I hope it works.
- You hope this works.
We're desperate.
If it doesn't work, you
know what's gonna happen?
He's going to make
soldiers out of us.
Us! Soldiers!
You went through his entire room
and that's all the evidence
you came up with?
That's right.
A picture of Anita Eckberg
had the only thumbprints.
All right, go on.
In 3 weeks he's been here,
he only went to one movie,
"War and Peace."
War and Peace,
Anita Eckberg, again.
Boys, we're starting
to pinpoint the target.
- Go on.
- He had dinner in town once.
- Who did he have it with?
- He ate alone.
- Alone.
- He had Swedish meatballs.
Swedish meatballs,
Anita Eckberg, again.
Get her measurements,
they're in my file.
We've got to find
a dame on this post
with measurements
close to Anita Eckberg.
Here it is, Sarge.
Huh, you've got
the availability list?
- One dame.
- One dame?
Well, all the WAC
officers are engaged
and he can't go
with enlisted WACs.
- Who's the dame?
- Is this it, Miss Gloria Wigman?
Yeah, she's the Post
Librarian and a civilian.
Any of you guys know
what she looks like?
- Waist 26.
- Waist 26.
Waist 26.
But I heard nothing
about the Army
putting the civilian
help in uniforms.
My dear, the order
just came through
and you're our only civilian.
We want you to
have the perfect fit.
Listen to him.
- Hips 40.
- Hips 40.
- Hips 40.
Is it going to have
a Peter Pan collar?
Oh yes, and I can
give you puffed sleeves.
Oh, and am I going
to have a dangle?
You'll have the dandiest
dangle you've ever seen.
Oh, the book I asked
you, can you find it?
What was it again?
The book on motors, The Do's
and Don'ts on Diesel by Undershaft.
Oh yes, The Dos and Don'ts
on Diesel by Undershaft.
Give me her measurements.
Where's Anita Eckberg's?
How do they match, Sarge?
It's amazing, exactly the
same measurements, 40-32.
No kidding!
With one exception, where
Eckberg is 40, she's 32,
and where she's
32, Eckberg is 40.
Sarge, you've got to give up.
Give up nothing,
it's our only hope.
That's the story, Sir.
We've kept this
young lady so late
looking up technical
books for us,
she missed the last bus home.
And then, this last minute
job on the Colonel's staff
car came along and we were all so
busy, we can't drive her home, Sir.
- I'm not busy, Sergeant.
- You're not busy?
Have you forgotten the
tires on the half-track?
But, Sarge...
Always volunteering, that's
the way my men are trained, Sir.
And so, I just feel terrible, Sir,
nobody left to drive her home.
- We're so busy.
- Well, in that case I suppose I...
Would you, Sir? That's
awfully nice of you.
She'll show you the way. She
knows just how to get there.
Ensure you take the shortcut
where the shimmering moonlight...
- Oh, I know, I know.
- She knows.
No one hand driving, Sir.
Happy landing, have a nice trip.
- Sugie.
- Yeah.
You've got
everything figured out?
That they run out
of gas in lover's lane.
We measured till the last drop.
In exactly 13 minutes,
the jeep will come to a stop
exactly at Smooch Point.
Smooch Point, from then on
Mother Nature takes its own course.
We can relax, boys.
Tomorrow we'll all sleep late.
He'll be here hanging
around the library all day.
How can I? I haven't
got a library card.
Oh, we'll fix you up with one.
What happened to the
enchanting young lady, Sir?
Pvt. Doberman is
taking care of her.
- Doberman.
- He volunteered.
He's a good man, that Doberman.
Volunteered.
Will you check with
me as soon as you get
the Colonel's car
fixed? I'll be in my office.
Yes Sir, now you
heard the Lieutenant,
check on the car, we've got
to work on the car because...
I don't get this at all.
Young man, it's spring,
a lovely night like this.
He could be sitting in the car
with a beautiful young lady, no.
He wants to sit in an office.
It's against all
rules of nature.
Doesn't he know it's
the mating season?
Doesn't he know it's spring,
when nature demands...
- Wait a minute.
- What is it, Sarge?
Maybe he doesn't know.
- Flowers for me, Bilko?
- Yes, Sir.
I thought they would
brighten up your office.
Do you mind if I put
them on the sill, Sir?
You see, Sir, in the morning
the bees can get at them.
- The bees?
- Yes, Sir.
Well, you see, Sir, at
this time of the year,
there's pollen in the flowers
and the birds and the bees,
they just have this big
desire to get at that pollen.
Excuse me, Sir, you are over 21.
I'm way ahead of you, Bilko.
I've been giving sex lectures
to the men for the last 5 years.
- Oh, then you know.
- I know.
Ok, Sir. He knows.
Are you sure you didn't
overlook any girls on the post?
No. How about Cleo, the Clutch?
That hash slinger,
for an officer?
Why don't look alive?
He's got to have
something special.
You know the kind
of girl he would go for?
- Col. Hall, please.
- Right in there, Lieutenant.
- Thank you, Sir.
- Go right in, Sir.
I'll tell you the kind
of girl he would go for.
That's the kind,
blonde. She's an officer.
Looks like Anita Eckberg.
But will that ever
happen on this post?
It happened. This is it.
Thank you! Thank you!
Watch the doors.
Her name is Lt. Rogers and
she's just been stationed here.
Now look, wait a
minute. I saw her first.
- Excuse me, sirs.
- What is it, Bilko?
- Isn't it wonderful?
- What's wonderful?
I mean about Lt.
Wallace's fiancé,
Lt. Rogers who's been
transferred to this post.
She's Tom Wallace's fiancée?
Oh, I do hope, it's a
spring wedding, don't you?
I know you chaps would
look wonderful at the chapel
holding the swords
over their heads.
Tom never mentioned it.
Oh, you know him, he's the
intensely, silent, jealous type.
Heavyweight champion
at West Point, you know.
And they're brooders,
oh my goodness.
- Are you going in?
- No, I'll get in later.
All right, Sir. Swell.
Get Lt. Wallace, have
him over at the motor pool.
I'm gonna see that they meet
before the wolf pack
makes their move.
Well, I must say Sergeant,
you make your Company
Commander Lt. Wallace
sound like some
kind of a superman.
Oh yes, wait till
you meet him, Sir.
Blue eyes, please
notice them, very sincere.
I must say, we've all
lost our hearts to him.
Cpl. Barbella said you want to
see me about something, Bilko.
Oh yes, Lieutenant, I would
like you to meet Lt. Rogers.
She's just been
transferred to our post, Sir.
How do you do? How do you do?
I don't believe you heard me,
Sir, this is Lt. Rogers, what!
So?
But Sir, I just wanted
you to be the first
to meet the Lieutenant.
- I got the name.
Look, Bilko have you become
the social director on this post?
I assure you Lieutenant,
it wasn't my idea.
I'm not anxious to
meet conceited officers.
And I'm not fainting at the
sight of any second Lieutenant
who takes advantage of what
some naïve men might call flashy.
- Now this has gone...
- Why you, conceited, big headed...
Please Lieutenant, I was just
showing her around the post, Sir.
I've seen enough,
Sergeant. Thank you.
Why aren't you out
on the rifle range
- with the rest of your men...
- Sir this is all wrong...
instead of being a sightseeing
guide? Now, get going!
- I thought... yes,
Sir - Get going, Bilko!
I'm sure Lt. Rogers
has no trouble finding
some man to escort her
around the post, after all she's...
- He's gone.
- Oh, darling.
I thought that transfer
would never come through.
I had to be careful, sweetheart.
After all, if they found
out I was getting a transfer
just to be near you,
it might get to father.
Of all the girls I have
to become engaged to,
it has to be the
daughter of a General,
who believes having his
daughter on the same post
with the man she loves
is taking advantage
of a military privilege.
- Oh, darling, I don't care.
- I just want to get married.
- No, I can't, I can't.
- Not until I'm a Captain.
- I promised your father.
- Yes, darling.
Remember, Virginia, no one must
even suspect we know each other.
- We've got to play it cold.
- We've got to play it cold.
The first time I ever
saw 2 people meet
it was hate at first sight.
- You ain't kidding.
You should have been at
the administration building,
they had a big fight
in front of everybody.
I don't get it.
He's a good looking
guy, she's a pretty girl.
They're young. It's spring.
They should be making enough
electricity to light a small city.
Sarge, you've got to face
it. They hate each other.
So what? It's very easy
to turn hate into love.
- All it needs is a spark.
- What kind of spark?
- The spark of jealousy.
- Jealousy?
Yeah, the minute she sees another
dame interested in him, wham!
- She wants him for herself.
- Another dame?
Yeah, somebody nice and
flashy like... Cleo the Clutch.
Oh you mean the
waitress at the diner?
Yeah.
She goes to work on him
tonight at the post movie.
Do you think the
Clutch will do it?
Let me handle the
Clutch. Give me my shoes.
Towel! Towel!
Well?
Are you sure this
Hollywood talent scout
is going to be at the
post movie tonight?
Clutch, would I lie to you?
Yeah, but I'm in no
position to doubt it.
Good girl, here's what you do.
Do you mind?
Here's what you do, the seat
in front of me will be empty.
That's the seat you sit in.
Now, you make a play for
your officer sitting to your left.
Officer? I thought
he was a talent scout.
Look, he's come to an
Army post looking for talent.
What should he
wear, a hockey outfit?
I don't know, the whole
thing sounds phony.
Cleo, let me, let me
assure you... Do you mind?
This is no floor show here.
Please eat your cruller.
Now look, you've
got nothing to lose,
the worst comes to the worst,
you see a movie for nothing.
Let me worry about it.
Rocco will tell you
when you show up, ok?
- Ok.
- Good girl.
She's so... last touch.
Oh, right here, Lieutenant,
what luck, an empty seat.
Thank you. Thank
you very much, Bilko.
Lieutenant, Lieutenant,
what luck, the only seat
left in the entire
show, right here.
I'm glad you could
come, Lieutenant.
Thank you, Sergeant.
- Excuse me.
- What's wrong, Sir?
Do you mind if I choose
whom I sit next to?
I don't want to see the picture
that badly either, excuse me.
Excuse me, Sir, this may
not be my business to say so,
but this will have a terrible effect
on the morale of the men, Sir.
Won't you please be seated?
Well, very well, Sergeant.
Oh, no!
Here are 2 seats here, Gloria.
Oh Duane, you're so masterful.
I'm sorry, this is not
the back of the jeep.
Out! Out!
Duane, are you gonna
let him talk to me like that?
No.
Here we are, sirs,
there was a mistake,
they belong up in the balcony.
Thank you, Sergeant.
It's nice and comfy
in here, isn't it?
Ah, the picture's
about to start.
My, its dark and
romantic in here, isn't it?
- Sarge, the Clutch.
- Quick, the Clutch.
- What?
- He's gotta fix the clutch.
Yeah.
- Bilko.
- Oh, it's nothing.
The picture brings out
the Spanish in me, Sir.
You see the officer
sitting right in front of me,
now you know what to do.
Look, get in there and pitch,
Clutch, this means... you know,
make sure to run your
fingers through his hair.
Lay your head on his shoulder.
Colonel, Colonel, please
take my seat, will you, Sir?
- No, no.
- Please, please.
Mrs. Hall, you take mine.
I'm not interested at all in
the picture, really, Colonel.
- Neither am I.
- Are you sure?
Yes.
Oh, I hope we haven't
missed too much.
Oh, I'm sorry,
you can't sit here.
These seats are taken, please.
- Colonel?
- What is it, Bilko?
- Nothing, Sir.
- I'm sorry, Miss, you can't sit here.
Well, this is an empty seat.
I know Sir, but I don't
think she better seat here.
Quiet!
Just to give you a
little more comfort.
- Would you move?
- Quiet, Bilko, watch the picture.
- Yes, Sir.
- Cleo, would you get out of here.
Get out! Come on!
Stop handling this young lady.
It's not that I'm
handling her, Sir.
It's just, are you
comfortable here, Sir?
- Yes.
- All right.
Now, you have to leave
young lady. I'm awfully sorry.
Bilko, take your hands
off the young lady.
I'm sorry, Sir. I
think this is a spy.
All right, Ivan, take your
wig off, we know you.
Bilko, leave this
theatre at once,
report to my office
in the morning.
- That's an order.
- Yes, Sir.
- What's all the trouble, John?
- Nothing, nothing.
- Yes, Miss.
- I am Cynthia.
- Mr. Claypoole sent for me.
- Oh, yes, he's expecting you.
- Cynthia, you came.
- Marcus.
We can't go on this way.
Darling, nobody knows.
My heart knows.
Oh, darling.
Oh, Cynthia, I wish
there was a way out.
Oh, Marcus, our love...
Marcus.
Someday, Cynthia, I'll put the
world at your feet, right now...
- Yes, Marcus?
- Right now, I must...
John? Who is this young lady?
Oh Nell, believe
me, I, I, I don't know.
Shame on you, and in
front of all your men too.
Ah, please, please, young
lady. Nell, really, I don't know.
- Please, really, young lady now...
- You old goat, you!
Not in front of the men.
Well, perhaps you 2
would rather be alone.
- I'm going home.
- Please, Nell, please.
Young lady, please.
Please, young lady.
Nell, you heard
Bilko, she's a spy.
- Yes.
- Thank you.
- Well, congratulations Tom.
- Congratulations?
Why you wanted to
keep your engagement
to a doll like Lt. Rogers
a secret is beyond me.
- How did you find out about that?
- Oh, come on.
- Oh, good morning Colonel.
- What's good about it?
Did you enjoy the
movie last night, Sir?
Oh, that's right, you were the
young man that gave me that seat.
- Yes, Sir.
- Excuse me, Col.
Stay away from me, young lady.
Oh, it's you, I didn't know.
I didn't get a wink
of sleep last night.
Oh, Edna, look, would
you check... Excuse me.
Ah, just a moment, Lieutenant,
I'd like to speak to you.
Would you, would you
file those for me, please?
Yes, Sir. Thank you.
- Oh, Tommy.
- Virginia.
What's the matter with you?
- Our secret's out.
Everybody knows
that we're engaged.
Well, good, as long as everybody
knows, we can get married.
But I promised your father
not until I'm a Captain.
We can get a jeep and
get married this afternoon.
I promised your father...
Never mind my father,
you're not marrying my father.
- You're marrying me.
- But Virginia, look...
This afternoon.
You'll enjoy the show,
I have a wonderful...
That... that'll be
all, Lieutenant.
That'll be all.
Stay out of the company
matters, you understand?
That's all, dis... dismissed.
- Dismissed.
- Yes, Lieutenant.
Really, Lieutenant,
he's a wonderful guy.
Have you noticed his
blue eyes, so sincere?
- Sergeant.
- Sir?
Sergeant, get a jeep
ready and fuel for me
at 2:00 o'clock this afternoon,
I'll pick it up at
the motor pool.
The motor pool?
But Sir, that's where Lt. Wallace
is usually hanging around.
Never mind, Sergeant.
I mean, you 2 are always
at each other's throat...
Just get the jeep, Sergeant.
Jeep, 2:00 o'clock at
the motor pool. Yes, Sir.
2:00 o'clock.
I know, but look, Bilko, are
you sure this is the right guy?
Yes, yes, now this
is the talent scout.
Now look, here is the scene,
at a few minutes
before 2:00 o'clock
you come into the motor pool
and you fling
yourself into his arms.
What? Yes, yes,
this is a screen test.
Now remember, here's your
lover and he's trying to leave you,
so Clutch, live up to your name.
Remember, give it everything.
- Darling, is everything ready?
- Yes, honey.
Now look, if your husband
was a Captain, you know,
you might have a
chance at something...
All I want to be
is Mrs. Wallace.
Right on time, at it
girl, Cleo, hang on,
Lt. Rogers will be
here any minute.
Bilko! Bilko, what is this?
Sir, please let me handle
this, get in there and pitch Cleo.
Cleo?
Lt. Rogers!
- Wait... you mean you 2?
- That's right, Bilko.
- Congratulations, Sir!
- Who is Cleo?
This is the happiest
moment of my life,
seeing you 2 together, Sir.
- Who is Cleo?
- I always said,
"All you needed was the
love of a good woman, Sir."
- Who is Cleo?
- And you, you sly Lieutenant,
ordering a jeep, you wanted
to get away and get married.
There isn't going
to be any marriage.
- No marriage?
- Not until I find out who Cleo is.
- Cleo?
- Cleo?
It's an expression we use now,
instead of saying everything
is snap, we say it's Cleo.
- Oh.
- It's kind of an
old Army expression, isn't it?
- Yes, Sir.
- Who is Cleo?
Who is Cleo? Have
you forgotten so soon?
Have those mad nights
meant nothing to you?
Tom, who is this woman?
- I assure you, it's the Clutch.
But what's she doing
in the motor pool?
She's a travelling sales
lady selling spare parts.
I'll give her an
order and she'll go...
Now, Sergeant, don't
try to cover for him.
No wonder you were
stalling around for you
to wait to become a Captain.
Virginia! Virginia!
- Cleo, cut!
- It's the wrong guy!
Again? Well, make up your mind!
This ain't doing my
reputation any good.
I'll see you, I'll see
you at the diner.
Well, congratulations, Bilko.
You just broke up my marriage.
Look, I'll explain
it to Lt. Rogers,
everything will be squared away.
I'll just tell her I did this,
which is the truth, just
to make her jealous.
- Well, just forget it Bilko.
- Forget it?
What's the use?
I couldn't marry her
until I was a Captain.
- A Captain?
- Yeah.
That's all that's
been bothering you?
All? It may take years.
Why didn't you just
mention it, Captain?
One little finger! One finger!
Bilko, this is the
most serious matter.
I know, Sir.
Bringing charges against Lt.
Wallace for extremely cruel,
and inhuman treatment
of enlisted men under him.
Sir, we could
barely hold out, Sir.
He had you, Bilko, and your
platoon out on a 20 mile hike?
Sir, it was a nightmare.
He made you take
the infiltration course?
Yes, that's where we
almost lost Doberman.
He had your platoon
out on the drill field?
Sir, the man is a fiend, Sir.
He should have
his Lieutenant bars
ripped right off him, Sir.
- You're so right.
Lt. Wallace, are these
charges made by the men true?
Yes, Sir.
Lieutenant, for doing what
no officer has been able to do
in the history of Fort Baxter,
I am recommending you for
immediate advancement to Captain.
Captain?
Sir, this is a direct slap
to every enlisted man,
Sir, the doughboys
who have worked...
- Quit! Quiet!
- Yes, Sir.
Bilko, it's time you learned
that I make the decisions
on this post, not you.
Yes, Sir. Of course, Sir.
See, all you had to do was ask.
Well, Captain,
darling. Capt. Wallace?
- Oh, Tom!
- But, Virginia, this is so sudden,
I, I just don't know what to do.
You don't know what to do?
Sir, please. You see,
at this time of the year,
the birds and bees
have this desire
to get into the
pollen in the flowers.
It's a perfectly natural urge.
The birds and bees know
that the pollen is there
as it should be and so they...
Oh, he knows! He knows!
Announcer: Also seen
on tonight's show were:
Biff McGuire as Lt. Wallace.
Constance Ford as Lt. Rogers.
Virginia De Louse as Cleo.
Janet Fox as the librarian.
And Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.