The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 29 - Radio Station B.I.L.K.O. - full transcript

Move there inside, quickly.

Emergency military message,
get this to your announcer at once.

Look, Sgt. Bilko, Mr. Nieman
says no more free plugs.

Free plugs? Free plugs indeed.

The security of our
nation is in danger.

You are blocking a vital
military communication.

Are you a citizen?

Bilko! Bilko, what is all this?

Oh, it's all right, don't
trouble yourself, it's all settled.

Get that to the announcer.
- Let me see that.

Oh no, you won't
understand this, it's all in code.



I do hope this gets to the
Joint Chiefs of Staff in time.

Gala dance this Saturday,
at Fort Baxter recreation hall.

Oh, I don't think you
should be reading this

unless you're cleared
by Washington.

- Bilko!
- I wanted to use carrier pigeons

but they wouldn't let me.

See Princess Nadia do
her tantalizing voodoo dance

of exotic passion.

Admission $2,
children and arms free.

Bilko, this is a message
for the Joint Chiefs of Staff?

All right, I'll level with you.

It's the last dance
of our season.

Give us a break.

All right, Bilko, I'll put
it on the air for you.



You will?

I will personally see that
princess Nadia thanks you

in the island fashion.
- Ah, forget it.

This is just one final gesture.

See, the radio
stations goes off the air

tomorrow night at
midnight, for good.

- For good?
- That's right.

I thought you were doing very
well with the local sponsors.

No, sure, sure I am.

So far this year,
I've taken in $30,000.

But it cost me $40,000
to run the station.

I'm going into television.

He's going into television.

That means only one thing.
We are going into radio.

Radio?

Yes, we can't let
down the local sponsors

who are begging us
to take $30,000 a year

to keep a station
going in Roseville.

But you gotta
have a radio station.

We've got one,
right on the post.

You mean Sgt. Grover's
Signal Corps hook-up?

But that's only for the camp.

And Grover will never go for it.

Won't he? Let me
tell you about Grover.

Grover is an Irish tenor. I
have a way with Irish tenors.

Shall we?

Bilko, this time you slipped
your trolley altogether.

A public radio
station from here?

You yourself said
all you gotta do is

synchronize the wave
lengths, boost the power

and use the old parachute
jump tower as a transmitter.

Sure and I can also
walk into the guard house

and close the door after
me. I wouldn't think...

We've got all the programs
lined up for the local sponsors.

Duane Doberman
analyzes the news,

Rupert Ritzik and
his magic recipes,

Irving Fleischman the Irish
tenor and then we have some...

Wait a minute,
Fleischman the Irish tenor?

Of course, we've got
to have an Irish tenor,

he's the only one on the post.

- Are you kidding?
- What do you mean?

What do I mean?

I'll take you home
again, Kathleen,

across the ocean wild and wide.

- Well?
- Who are you kidding?

What do you think, I
was born yesterday?

- What do you mean?
- That wasn't you.

You got a record of
Morton Downey behind you,

you're making with the
mouth. What are you kidding?

No, no, that was me. Now listen.

I'll take you home
again, Kathleen...

- What's the matter?
- What's the matter?

A man opens his mouth and
the voice of an angel comes out.

He says what's the...

Francis, why didn't you tell
me you could sing like that?

But what do you mean?

I already signed up Fleischman
for 39 weeks as the Irish tenor.

- Oh you did, huh? Well
I've got news for you.

Unless I'm the Irish
tenor on that station,

you ain't going to
have no radio station.

But I've signed Fleischman.

You heard me,
I'm the Irish tenor.

All right, you've
got me over a barrel.

You're the Irish tenor.
- Ok.

I'll get working on
the station right away.

Gomez! Hennesy!
Come on, look alive!

Ok, tomorrow morning
we need civilian clothes.

- Civilian clothes?
- Madison Avenue style.

From this point on, we
are advertising agency men

selling programs to
sponsors, here's what I want.

Well, thank you, Mr. Schultz.

Bill Paley was a lot of fun
at the conference today,

I always say, good
Captain... how do you do?

I'm G. Ernest Bilko of
B.B.&H. Advertising Agency.

I'd like to present
my associates,

Stanten Barbella,
Hubbell Henshaw.

Advertising? Look, the
radio station is closing.

I'm switching over to handbills.

No, no, no. You're
staying in radio.

We represent WBBH,
Roseville's new station.

Glad to have you on board.
We'll carry the ball for you.

Now, I'm gonna put you down
for a half hour program every day

and may I guarantee
you one thing,

we'll give you a
program with meat in it.

Meat in it?

That came off the top of
my head, how about that?

I'm not interested.

Here, here man,
it's only $10 a week,

name the kind of
program you want

and I guarantee you we'll up
periscope and pull for home.

- $10?
- Take a note of these things

won't you?
- What can I lose?

My customers like soap operas,
when they cry they eat more meat.

By Jove, why
didn't I think of it?

That new show
we've just developed,

John's Original Wife.

- John's Original Wife, is it sad?
- It will destroy you.

Clear sailing, let's up
anchor and splash away.

Madam Ramona, I am
surprised, you're pulling out of

radio advertising just
when it's starting to grow.

What grow? Everybody's
looking at television.

Oh, I see, you believe
those phony surveys?

Well, let's just
see for ourselves.

I beg your pardon, Miss,
have I ever seen you before?

Have I paid you any
money for this opinion?

Now think before you answer.

Which do you prefer,
television or radio?

What's radio?

You've heard her
say, "What? Radio!"

Look, I'm not interested.

I'm shocked.

Are you content to remain
a one-sink operation?

But with radio advertising...
- Who needs advertising?

All right, don't
take my word for it

let's ask an impartial witness.

I beg your pardon, Miss,

what brought you to
Ramona's Beauty Shop?

It's the only one in town.

- Who is this woman?
- She's my partner.

Business is so bad we
take turns rinsing each other.

- No radio jingles.
- Jingles?

Yes, Rodgers and
Hammerstein wrote this up,

on speculation of
course, Cole Porter wanted

a crack at this for the agency.

I'd like you to hear this.
Now, gentlemen, the jingle.

Oh, just a minute, I
want a witness for this.

Madam, we value your opinion,
would you mind listening and...

Oh, we just came from the beauty
shop, where beauty falls to see.

I've got myself a henna
rinse, a dollar ninety-three.

Oh, Ramona! Please
fix my face for me.

- She will arch your brows.
- And curl your hair.

And clip your
toenails free, humm.

Well, let's hear what
Cole Porter's got.

- I like it.
- Oh, get me the contract.

You'll never regret this.

This is Bill Nieman
bringing to a close

25 years of broadcasting
and so station WROS

goes off the air
forever, goodnight.

Switch over.

Good evening, ladies and
gentlemen, this is WBBH the station

with a conscience, carrying
on where WROS left off.

Our aim, a simple
one, to bring Roseville

the finest in entertainment
and public service programs.

Our motto, the truth.

And now, a word
from Clark Gable.

Hi, friends.

My friends in Hollywood
are continually asking me,

"Clark why do you go
all the way to Roseville,

Kansas to have your
old clothes altered?"

Well, it's simple,
because Roseville, Kansas

is the home of Schneiderman
Speedy Tailor Shop

where right now the
master of the needle,

Sam Schneiderman,
is running a special

get-acquainted-offer
for only $2.75.

Sam will take this old
double breasted suit

and turn it into a smart new
single breasted Easter outfit.

Thank you Clark.

We'll see you at Schneiderman's.

And now, the correct
time brought to you by

Hoolihan's Pet Shop.

At the sound it will be 2
minutes after midnight.

And now, courtesy of
Ramona's Beauty Shop,

it's time for your midnight
rendezvous with Lonesome Pierre.

Good evening, my darlings.
This is Lonesome Pierre.

Is your husband asleep? Bon!

What he does not
know will not hurt him.

Here, my darling, let me
pour you a glass of wine,

Ah, to us, my darling.

Your sparkling eyes
match the wine, I salute you.

Now, you look
magnifique, this evening.

Ramona has done wonders
with your hair, so chic, so modern.

How did you know
I loved spit curls?

You're intoxicating, my dear.

Let me whisper a little
love poem in your ear.

"Your lips are like
a cherry's glow,

with the sweetest
taste I'll ever know.

So kiss me, dear,
and say you're mine.

Our love is like a vintage wine.

I cannot wait to
taste your lips,

your little ear to your
fingertips for we...

we are mad with passion ridden.

How long, how long
must we keep it hidden?"

Good morning, early birds.

That was wake up music
played for you by the one and only

Harry James and thank you Harry.

And now, for a quick
resume of the morning news,

we switch you to
Washington where the dean of

American news
analysts is waiting.

Take it away, H.V. Doberman.

Dateline: Wa-shing-ton D.C.

Washington D.C.

Today at his press
conference, President Eissen...

Ladies and gentlemen,
due to technical difficulties,

our contact has been
broken off with Washington.

What's next?

Sgt. Haggerty is
starting his morning drill

on the parade grounds.
- Is Fender there with the mic?

- Right.
- Switch over.

And now, Hesselback drugstore,
Roseville's Palace of Pills,

brings you its morning
session of Hesselback's

"Health is Wealth
Club." Let's all join in.

Hands on hips.

Come on, you slobs.

And now housewives,
Horton's Hardware Haven

brings you Kitchen Magic
Time with Chef Rupert,

King Farouk's favorite cook.

Take it away, Maison Rupert.

Welcome, homemakers.

It's kitchen magic
time with Chef Rupert.

Hi, babes.

Well, Chef Rupert, what recipe
are you going to give us today?

I think I'll take a shot
at some popovers.

Popovers, yum, yum.

Get your pencils and
papers ready, girls.

Go ahead, Sarge, I mean maestro.

First, pour 50 gallons of
milk into four sacks of flour.

Mix gently with a canoe paddle.

Now, in another 20 gallon
pot, separate 20 dozen eggs.

I'll wait.

If you have followed
these instructions carefully,

you should have now
about 3,000 popovers.

Try it the next time friends
drop in unexpectedly.

Oh, here's another
little cooking hint

for chipped beef on toast.

First, chip six sides of beef.

Thank you, Chef Rupert,
now we switch you back

to our main studios for a
visit with the Irish Thrush.

Take it away! Brass is coming.

I'll take you home
again, Kathleen,

across the oceans wild and wide.

- Ten-shun!
- At ease, this is Gen. Cummings.

Will one of you shut
up that horrible singing?

Gen. Cummings is here
to inspect the entire post.

- The entire post, Sir?
- Top to bottom.

Everything seems
to be all right here.

- As you were.
- Thank you, Sir.

I would like to see your
Signal Corps installation.

Yes, General, I think
you'll find Sgt. Grover,

a crackerjack engineer.

Excuse me, Sir, did
you say Sgt. Grover?

- Yes, why?
- Oh, he's a grand man, grand.

Thank you, Sir. I've
got to get over to Grover.

What's on next?
- The Tennessee Mountain Boys.

Set them up in the furnace
room and tell them to standby.

I've got to stop Grover, now!

When first, you
were my bonny bride,

the roses all have...

Ladies and gentlemen,
due to techn...

Wait, I'm not through.

Ladies and gentlemen,
due to technical difficulties,

we switch you over to the
Blue Ridge Mountain Boys

for the Mountain
Boys Rhythm music.

Brass is coming, clear! Clear!

Sgt. Grover, you
actually think that radar

is superior to smoke signals.

Ten-shun!

Bilko, I thought I just
saw you in the kitchen.

Just trying to help out, Sir.

Good man, interested
in every department.

- Thank you, Sir.
- Yes, he certainly is.

Well, shall we go on?

Yes, I'd like to show you
our furnace installations.

- As you were.
- Thank you, Sir.

You're doing a
grand job here Gro...

Furnace!

Thank you, Mountain Boys.

We switch you back
now to the Irish Thrush.

Brass is coming, move!

Ten-shun!

- Just cleaning up, Sir.
- Remarkable man!

- Thank you, Sir.
- Yes, yes.

Colonel, I didn't notice,

has your Signal Corps received
the new TWX transmitters?

Let's check with Grover.

- Grover?
- Yes.

Good man, Sir, good man.

Across the ocean wild and wide

to where your heart and...

Thank you, Irish Thrush.

And now we take you to that
popular local quiz program,

"Come and Get It!"

Take it away quiz
master, Hal Starch.

Brass is coming, get rid of it.

Tell me, Sgt. Grover, the boys
were only saying the other day

what a grand job you're doing.

Ten-shun!
- As you were, just checking.

Why yes, Sir.

Questions at all General,
we're here at your disposal.

- Bilko!
- Yes, Sir.

50,000 watts?

Isn't that a lot of power
to cover just one camp?

Sir, we're prepared to
cover the entire state in case,

you know who strikes first.

Of course, of course.
Well, what's next?

Well, I'd like to show
you our Motor Pool.

Yes, I was saying to the boy...

Motor Pool, look out!

And now Mr. Hazelcorn of
Sioux City, Iowa, for $165,000,

what president was the
Washington Bridge named after?

I got it, it was Ab...

Sorry Sir, we've
run out of time.

I'm sure you can
come back next week.

Thank you very much, and
now back to our main studios

for a visit with the Irish
Thrush, take it away!

Get this out!

I'll take you home again...

Now we'll have to do a
full day's work, gentlemen,

because when
working... oh, Ten-shun!

This is the Motor Pool,
Sgt. Bilko is in charge here.

It's the last place I
expected to find him.

Really, Sir, he has
such a sense of humor.

He keeps us
chuckling all the time.

Show me a leader that can
make... is anything wrong, General?

50,000 watts, I'd like to
see that Sgt. Grover again.

Well, of course, of course.

Now men, we have
to work because...

I gotta get to Grover.

To where I have
never been, when...

Thank you, Irish Thrush.
And now we switch you to...

Ladies and gentlemen, in
honor of that great American,

we now observe 5
minutes of silence.

I think that we're
doing a grand job here.

Ten-shun!

Oh, it's you Bilko, for a
moment I had a terrible feeling

that you wouldn't be here.

Sgt. Grover,
about that 50,000...

But Colonel, this
man's exhausted.

Sir, this man has been
on duty for 24 hours.

And as far as that
equipment is concerned, Sir,

it was put here by mistake.

- Take it away, Grover.
- I'll take...

- I'll take over all his duties, Sir.
- A remarkable soldier.

- Thank you very much, Sir.
- Yes.

Oh, Bilko, have my staff car
at my quarters at 6:00 o'clock.

My wife and I are going to the
Hobson's for canasta tonight.

- Yes, Sir.
- Ernie! Ernie!

It's murder, whoops, sorry, Sir.

Carry on.

What? What?

Sarge, I've been in
that phone booth all day.

The sponsors have
cancelled everything.

The Irish Thrush did it again.

Oh come on, Ernie, why don't
we just dismantle this stuff?

What are you talking about?

We still got another program to
do, for Schultz's Butcher Shop,

you know "John's
Original Wife."?

- Ernie, give up.
- What do you mean give up?

He's the only guy that paid us
cash. We got him down for a week.

But where are we gonna do it?

That General's
all over the post.

Wait a minute, what time
is John's Original Wife

supposed to go on?
- 6:00 o'clock.

- That's it.
- What?

The one place we're sure that
will be empty at 6:00 o'clock,

the Colonel's house.

We're gonna broadcast
from the Colonel's house?

Listen, if Person to
Person can do it...

Sir, your car's waiting.
I left the motor running.

Oh thank you, Bilko.
Come along, dear.

Have a good time,
kids. Drive carefully.

Have a lot of fun.

Come on! Come on!

Hook up the mic, quickly!

Come on, it's
almost 6:00 o'clock.

It's not going to last...

- You've got the scripts? Who's John?
- Me.

- Who's the wife?
- I'm here.

- All right.
- It's 6:00 o'clock.

Switch us over.

And now it's 6:00 o'clock,
time for John's Original Wife.

Brought to you by Schultz's
Butcher Shop Tops in Chops.

The oldest name in Roseville
butchery, Otto Schultz,

his thumb has
never lost its touch.

And now, for the first
episode of John's Original Wife,

this is the story of
one man's struggle

to find happiness
although married.

Although married to the woman
who doesn't understand him.

Our story opens in
John's new home.

John and Una are just
returning from their honeymoon.

As our scene opens, their
car pulls into the driveway.

- What's that?
- The Colonel's back.

Move! Move! Quick!

The next time I
drive you anywhere,

I'll have my head examined.

So it's my fault
you forgot the map?

The map, who can find a map
the way you keep this place?

John, don't you dare
talk to me like that.

If you can't find your way
by now without the map,

maybe I should drive.

You drive?

You drove once
without my permission

and you came
back without fenders.

Isn't that true in life?

All those writers
think of those things.

Well, that was a close call.

That was the end of WBBH.

Yeah it was... hey, Grover,
dismantle these things.

Grover!

I'll take you home again...

- No, hey it's over with.
- Over?

Yes, will you
switch us off the air?

- That was it, fini.
- Who switched you off?

- I'm going home to mama.
- Good, I'll drive you there.

I don't need a map for that.

So, that concludes
John's Original Wife.

So, ladies and
gentlemen, this was the first

and final episode of
John's Original Wife.

WBBH now leaves
the air. Goodbye.

- That's it.
- Too bad, Ernie.

Well, we tried.

We'll just write it
off as a total loss.

Come on, let's get some sleep.

Fort Baxter Signal Corps.

It's for you Ernie, Rocco.

Figures, the butcher
wants his $10 back.

Hello Roc, tell him I'll
bring the $10 around

first thing in the morning.

What?

I tell you, Ernie, this town
is crazy about the show.

Mr. Schultz wants to
sign for another 5 years.

I can't wait till
tomorrow's program.

Wait a minute, Rocco,
he must be kidding,

there's gonna be
no more programs.

Look, it's... What?

Let me talk to Mr. Schultz.

Look, Mr. Schultz
let me explain.

You'll explain nothing, I
paid for those programs.

You'll deliver those programs

or I'll go to the Federal
Communications Commission.

Look, Mr. Schultz,
nobody wants any trouble.

I assure that... would
you please let me talk

to Stanten Barbella, please?

Roc, now listen, keep him away
from anybody, do you understand?

If the Army finds
out what happens,

it means Alcatraz for all of us.

I'll think of something
in the morning.

We've got to think of
something. Look who I'm asking.

Did you hear that show last
night, "John's Original Wife?"

Yeah and I thought I'd split!

- Did you hear it?
- Did I hear it?

Come on! Come on, Edna get
me the duty rosters, will you?

- Ok, ok.
- Ernie, Ernie!

Did Schultz take his money back?

No, he insists on
that show going on.

He says, the way they
fight it reminds him of home.

- Oh no!
- Here are the rosters.

- Check with the Colonel.
- Ok.

I'm sorry I said those
things about you.

Oh what's the
difference? Nobody heard.

- Oh booboo.
- Pumpkin.

- Oh, I'm sorry,
Sir - Oh, Bilko.

It's duty rosters but I
can come back, Sir.

No, wait! My wife is leaving.

Oh.

Yes, I was just going
to Beauty Parlor.

Dinner at 6:00,
dear, bye booboo.

Bye lamb... oh goodbye, dear.

We had a little tiff last night.

- Oh, that's too bad, Sir.
- Oh well, it's all over now.

Oh, so I see.

There's nothing
like a little fight

to break up the dull
routine of marriage.

Oh, I see, then you're
back to being dull and...

Ah, I mean, you 2 are an
inspiration to all of us, Sir.

- Oh, thank you, Bilko.
- Thank you, Sir.

Oh, there you go.

I just sneaked the microphone
out of the Colonel's house.

Oh, did you? Well
sneak it right back in.

- Oh, not again.
- Will you listen to me?

Schultz is paying for a show.

He thinks it's a
lot of fun about

a couple arguing all the time.

When he hears tonight's
dull lovey-dovey episode,

he'll be begging us
to cancel him out.

Let me worry
about this. Come on.

But I loved when this John
had to go all the way back home

because his wife forgot the map.

- I'm sorry, Sir.
- No, it's all right.

Have your fun.

Now, where are the
office requisitions?

- In the top file, Sir.
- Thank you.

But the funniest thing though,
Edna, was when she says,

"If you don't know your way
around by now without a map,

maybe I ought to drive."

The funniest thing
was when he said,

"She brought the car
back without fenders."

Good evening, its 6:00 o'clock

and time for John's
Original Wife.

Brought to you by
Schultz's Butcher Shop,

where you meet the
meat you want to eat.

Once again, we join that
sweet every day couple,

John and Nell, as they enter
their honeymoon cottage.

Let's listen.

John, I want to speak to you.

I think you've done
enough talking for one day.

What do you mean?

You've blabbed it all over town

that we had a little
argument last night.

I blabbed it?

You and your big mouth, I
heard it in the Beauty Parlor.

My big mouth?

You're just like your
mother, blab! Blab! Blab!

- They are terrific.

- Better than yesterday.
- What's this?

They're still fighting.

Sarge, if they keep that up,

they're gonna be on the
air longer than "I Love Lucy."

Oh no, they're not!

They're going off the
air tonight, for good!

I'm going home to mother.

Stop threatening me
and go to your mother.

- This time I mean it!
- What is it?

- What is it, you say?
- Just saw a mouse come in here!

- Take that!
- What is this?

I think I saw a prowler
in the backyard, Sir.

Oh no. Oh no, you say?

Oh yes, I say John, I've
got Nell and I'll get you too.

And that is the end
of John and Nell.

The avenger has struck again.

I didn't see anyone.

Well, it must have
been one of the guards

taking the shortcut to
the parade ground, Sir.

Did you kill the mouse?

He put up a
fight, but I got him.

- Nell, it was my fault.
- Booboo.

Well, I'll run along, folks.

I'm sorry to have
disturbed you like...

No, Bilko, you
must stay for dinner.

No, I really must be
back at the post, Sir.

Oh, nonsense, you
must stay for dinner.

Oh, it's time for the news.

I'll take you home
again, Kathleen.

Bilko!

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Jimmy Little as Sgt. Grover.

Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.

Hope Sansberry as Mrs. Hall.

Frank Thomas as the General.

Tomi Romer as Ramona.

And Charles Mendick
as the Butcher.