The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 28 - The Secret Life of Sergeant Bilko - full transcript

A journalist comes to Roseville hoping to expose security leaks in the army. Bilko sees money to be made and scams him by showing him hundreds of supposed 'top-secret' documents.

Yes, yes, that's what I said.

As editor of The Globe you
ought to be ashamed of yourself

for printing such lies
about Army security.

Those Army rockets
and top secret equipment

he claims he photographed,

you know those
were obsolete models

he took right out of
some old magazines.

Look, General, you just
play with your toy soldiers

and don't tell us what to print.

Wow, is he mad.

Let's face it, Ray,
I think you've gone



about as far as you can
with this phony expose.

Harry, this series is the
hottest thing we ever ran.

It's getting too hot.

Unless you get
some real facts it's...

You want facts?
Ok, I'll get you facts.

I'll go to some small Army camp

where they don't get
the New York papers.

Yes, so you won't be recognized.

Right.

I'll find out where
the G.I.s hangout.

I'll flash a roll of bills.

I'll wine them, I'll
dine them and presto,

I'm their pal.

They'll bring me
pictures, plans, blueprints.



Boy, will that make a story?

Ray, that's the crummiest
trick I ever heard.

How soon can you leave?
- Right now.

All right, you got that?

- 5 shrimp cocktails.
- Right.

- 5 sirloin steaks.
- Splendid.

Fly, my little dove
to the kitchen.

Wait a minute, Celia...

Well, mine host, Mr. Adamapolis.

- Oh, a $15 order, huh?
- Isn't that charming?

As busy as he is,
he takes time out

to give us his
personal attention,

the warmth of his
gracious hospitality.

I told you when these
bums walk in, check with me.

Is he down to earth?

Down to earth, and the fuss
they make over Toots Shor.

Shut Up!

Celia, no credit for
these deadbeats.

Wait a minute! Did
you all hear that?

What is it, Bilko?

You called me a
deadbeat in a public place

in front of all these people.

Well, if you pay for the
time, I'll say it on the radio too.

Thank heavens we live in a
country where there are laws

protecting the innocent
against slanderous remarks,

just as you just made.

- I'm suing you for $50,000.
- Good!

Oh please, don't try
to make a settlement.

I want the names of
all these witnesses.

Bilko, don't start.

Young lady, I want
you on the stand,

you'll wear a short
skirt, of course.

I'll supply the nylons.

Bilko, do me a
favor, get out of here.

Please, don't try to
make any settlements.

Who wants to make a settlement?

- Your lawyer will.
- My lawyer won't even give...

Just a minute,
suppose your lawyer

advices you to settle for $1,000?
- I won't settle for one penny!

All right, look,
look, just in theory.

Suppose you just
say I settle for $1,000.

- All right.
- Splendid!

You'll never regret it.

Take the $15 off the $1,000.

The man understands. He's
up against a hopeless case.

- Sgt. Bilko?
- Yes?

Before the case
comes to court, cash!

- Cash.
- What will it be, boys?

5 hamburgers.

I'm sorry, I'll have a
table for you in a moment.

Say, a lot of soldiers
from Fort Baxter

hang out here, don't they?

It should happen
to my competitors.

Come on, give it boys.

- 12 cents.
- Here's a nickel.

- I'm tapped.
- Figures.

How close are we?

You still need 36 cents. I'm
assuming there'll be no tip.

Oh, you are so right.
Come on Rocco, dig!

Hey Miss, I'm...
I'm all alone here.

I wonder if you can
find a place for me.

- Sure.
- Here, this is for you.

My, something
smells awfully good.

- Oh, thank you.
- Any place at all.

Oh, what luck, here's a place
right here, why don't you join us?

Well, all right, but
only if I buy the meal.

Well, if you were
a friend of mine

and if I knew you, I
would argue out of this.

However, sit I
guess... the gentlemen

will have the same as
you guys, 6 steak dinners.

You ordered...

She was one of the town's
leading debutants, you understand.

Came out in a bad year.

Sit down.

All right, I'll get rid of
my coat and wash up.

No hurry, we'll
still be here, what?

What?

Sarge, I've seen
his face somewhere.

Who was looking at his face,
all I noticed was that bankroll.

Now there were faces,
Washington, Hamilton, Lincoln.

Sarge, I knew I recognized
him. Look, here's his picture.

Look at these newspaper
articles my mother sent me.

- Now, this is his
picture. What's his name?

Ray Barker.

He's been writing a phony
series rapping the Army.

My mother's scared.

Well, I don't say
that I blame her.

Why, this is the
worst tripe I ever read.

- Why, that dirty...
- Sarge, what's he doing here?

That miserable creep. If he
thinks he's gonna come here

flash a bankroll
and trying to bribe us

with his dirty money to
give him military secrets.

Yeah.

Thank heavens he came here, to
a platoon that can use the money.

He wants secrets, huh?

We'll give him military secrets.

Sarge, military
secrets at Fort Baxter?

Sarge, this is a
non-sensitive area.

Non-sensitive? It's dead.

But for a guy with
a bankroll like that,

this is about to become
a seething center

of military secret activity.

When I get through, Fort
Baxter will make Oak Ridge

look like Ding Dong School.

Watch this.

So I said to the
security officer, I said,

"Sir, why pick on a
small post like Baxter

for these highly secretive
experimental things

such as Project Boom
Boom?" And he...

Oh, you're back. I don't
think I got your name.

I'm Sgt. Bilko in charge
of military secrets.

Charlie Jones, I'm
in farm machinery.

Sit down, Charlie.

Farm machinery, I wish I
was in something like that

instead of this
atomic energy thing...

You forget I said
that, won't you please?

Just a slip of the
tongue, please forget it.

You can understand,
for security reasons.

Yeah, I understand.

Well, I suppose you had
difficulty getting a room in town.

I mean with all the scientists,

and the top brass that are
here from the Pentagon for the...

Why didn't you stop me?
What's wrong with me?

You didn't hear that, that's a
favor of me, all right Charlie?

Yeah.

All right. So, this little
town is full of scientists?

Oh yes, but they're
wasting their time.

I've seen it.

They won't get this
thing off the ground.

- What thing?
- Oh, it's too technical to explain.

I've got all the blueprints
and the details in my office.

Look, I may not be a
genius but even I know

you don't just take
a hydraulic projector,

or atomic injector and expect it
to give the velocity to the nucl...

Well, you'll see for yourself
when you come to the barracks.

- Actually in your barracks?
- Why not?

Doesn't the Army have rules?

Well, of course, but
there's a greater rule

of western hospitality,
the willingness to share

our meager campfire
with a wayfaring stranger.

Well, of course, if you'd
prefer going to the hotel.

Oh no, I'd like to stay
with you, with my friends.

Sarge?

He said friends, you
know what that does to me.

I tell you, Harry,
those naïve jerks

are sneaking me
right into their barracks.

You mean they're taking
you right on a military post?

That's right, smack-dab into the
middle of Operation Boom Boom.

No, they haven't the
vaguest idea who I am.

Yes, Colonel, he's a
newspaper man from New York,

he wants to do a nice
story about Army life

and I convinced him to do
it right here at Fort Baxter.

Wonderful, Bilko!

It's about time we
got a little publicity.

Are you sure he doesn't
want to stay at the guesthouse?

No, Sir, I tried to
convince him of that

but he just wants
nobody to notice him.

He wants to just live
right with the men.

Well, did you get permission
from your mother to stay with us?

Yes, she, she's delighted.

Are you sure you
can get me into the...

Shh!

This place is crawling
with security agents.

You think that's a
blonde over there?

Lt. Schmitt, of the FBI,
one of their best men.

I'm taking you in, I
checked, it's gonna be rough.

They've got all the
fences electrified,

there's machine
gun nests every 10 ft.

But for a friend, I
guess we can arrange it.

Well, Sidney, it was nice for
you to drop in and say hello.

How are the folks?

Remember what the
Sarge said when he calls.

There they are. Close the door.

All clear. All clear!

Look out!

Ok.

Sorry, Charlie, I thought
that was a security policeman.

You've got to be
very careful, you know.

Those guys, they shoot
first and ask questions later.

- I understand.
- Now, here's what we're gonna do,

the minute we get you in
the barracks, you'll be safe.

I will get you there
in a garbage truck.

Put him in the
garbage can, boys.

- The garbage can?
- Isn't there any other way?

Oh, yes there is, of course,

we'll send your
picture to Washington,

and then they send
us back for clearance.

Oh no, no, let's...
let's do it this way.

All right, put him in, boys.

Now look, the minute you
get to the back barracks door,

the boys will be waiting.

They'll have the
furnace room ready.

The furnace room?

Oh, it'll be perfectly safe.

You'll be covered with coal.
- Coal?

Soft coal, of course. Well
look, let's do it the other way

where we send your
picture to Washington...

No, no, no. Let's go.

All right, put him in.
Now look, I'll tap on the lid

when everything's ok, right?

All right, hmm.

Did you hear that, Charlie?

He heard it ok. Now look...
look out, security police!

What have you got there
soldier? Just filling some garbage.

Well, I don't know if
you're filling garbage.

Yes we are.

Well, it doesn't
sound full to me.

Let me see. Yes,
Sir, it's filled, Sir.

I give you my
word, Sir, it's filled.

He's gone. Are you
all right, Charlie?

Now remember, you
guys know what to do.

What's in that furnace
room is a golden goose

that's going to lay eggs.

Watch it, here he comes.

All right, we don't
know what he's here for.

You know, play it dumb.

Morning activity.

What is that, Paparelli?

You want to go on KP
again? Well, you can't.

Don't be a hard man,
you did it yesterday.

- But...
- I know it's pleasant in the kitchen, but
you can't.

Well, good morning,
Charlie. Sleep well?

My head is still ringing
from that garbage can.

Well, that's all behind you.

Just think of this as your
home away from home.

Anything you want, you
don't see it, just ask for it.

Yeah, now, now
that you mentioned it,

last night you said
something about documents

and these military
secrets and things.

Isn't that wonderful?
He still remembers.

That's a real citizen,

interested in our dull,
drab military secrets.

Yeah, I'm so interested
in the military documents,

it's... oh, it's
sort of a hobby.

Oh, that will all come.

Why don't you wash up first?

Well Sir, where...
where do I go?

Right in there. Oh, oh,
I'm terribly sorry, I forgot.

Since you're in the barracks,

you'll be using our facilities
and there are certain charges.

Charges?

I know you think
this is rather petty,

but the boys did chip in all the
money to fix up the barracks,

as you can see, so we shall
share the expenses together.

- Oh yeah, well I'll pay my share.
- Well, that's terribly nice of you.

- Did you bring a towel?
- No.

Oh then, you'll need
the towel service,

that's by the year you know.

- That's $36.
- $36?

That's, of course, if you're a
member of the Latrine Club.

- The Latrine Club?
- Yes.

- $65 a year.
- Yes, it's quite a deal.

You see, they
give you everything

excluding the shower
cap and the soap.

Oh, but it's a
wonderful organization,

at the end of the year,

there's this gigantic
cocktail party in the latrine,

lots of fun.

$65, all right, I could
use a hot shower.

Oh, excuse me, did you say hot?

- Yeah.
- Oh darn!

What's the matter?

That's another branch of the
Latrine Club, the Hot Water Club.

The Hot Water Club?

Well, if you're not a member of
the Hot Water Club around here,

you're just a goose pimple.

- $32 a year.
- No I'm... I'm joining.

Well, it's splendid,
you're one of the family.

Hey, Ernie, I've got the names
here for the full tournament,

you want to sign up?
- Good.

Wait a minute, Ernie,
I need those things.

Not as much as I do.

Yes Major, I'll memorize
these signatures

and then eat the paper.

Signatures?

Oh yes, all the top scientists

who are working on
Project Boom Boom.

- Are those genuine?
- Good heavens!

Don't tell me you're one
of those autograph hunters

who would pay up
to $10 for a name.

- As a matter of fact...
- Well, I thought so.

There's 10 names
that comes to $100.

Oh, I'll... I'll take it.

You must remember one thing,
you wouldn't be getting this ordinarily,

but I figured you've already
seen the blueprints, has he?

He hasn't?

Well, you know
about it. There it is.

Are those blueprints secret?

Are they secret?
Just read what it says.

Plan for Proposed Sewage
Disposal Plant at Fort Bax...

Sewage Disposal Plant? Really?

The Z bomb, they have
to call it that, you see,

because if it gets into
the hands of wrong people,

oh, may I tell you...

Now look, you see
this comic book?

Looks rather innocent, doesn't it?
- Yeah.

Code. Would you believe
that this comic book

is the entire Atlantic
Defense System in code?

Everything around here is code.

Read the sign up
here, what does it say?

Home sweet home.

Does it really?
Read that backwards.

Emoh..

Oh no, not aloud,
walls have ears.

Wrap that up for him.

You see, as long as
a man is interested

in the defense of
this country, I like to...

Good heavens, how did
these get out of the safe?

Would you be interested
in this Army cookbook,

secret poisoning devices?

That's right, Harry, I
need more money again.

Remember, as fast as
those crates of documents

I air mailed to you get there,
put them in a safe, under guard.

That's right, I bought
every single scrap of paper

in these barrack, and
it's all top secret stuff.

Oh, and when we spread the
Pentagon's top secret project

all over our front page, you
can get ready to give me a raise.

Don't worry, don't,
this time I'll have proof,

an actual picture of me
taken right in the middle

of a highly
sensitive installation

surrounded by the platoon
who gave me the stuff.

Yah, yah, look, set
up this caption, huh?

"G.I. Jerks Guard Our
Country's Top Secrets,". Right.

- How is your mother?
- Oh she... she's fine.

Fine, have you ever
seen such a devoted son?

Every night that he's been
here, he's called his mother.

Yeah, and every
night she sent money.

How I'd like to
meet her personally.

You know, that's
just what she said.

That's why she wanted me to
take a picture with all you guys.

- A picture?
- Yeah.

Well, that's that very
least we could do.

Say, Cpl. Fender has a camera.

He's very good at it
and very reasonable.

I'll show you where he is.

- Cheese!
- Cheese!

- Oh, oh, hold it!
- What now?

It's nothing, Dobe, will
you step out of the picture,

you can't be in it.
All right, cheese!

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Doberman's very
important to the picture,

why can't he be in it?

Well, I'm afraid,
you don't understand.

You see, Doberman
is a professional model.

His union won't allow him to
pose for less than $50 an hour.

Doberman is a
professional model?

Oh, don't tell me you have forgotten,
Bitsy Baby Food Baby of 1916?

Oh, how quickly they
forget the celebrities.

All right, all right.
I'll... I'll pay him his fee.

I'll take that, Bitsy Baby.

- All right, everybody, big cheese!
- Cheese!

- Ready?
- Oh, oh wait!

- Now what?
- It'll only take...

I'll be back in an hour.

I can't pose this,
my hair is a mess.

Why not?

You're the most
important one in the picture.

Well, of course, you don't
think I want your mother

to see me with this
mess, I need a haircut.

I'll be back in an hour.
Break it off boys, I'll be back.

But the picture, Sergeant,
I've got to have the picture.

Sergeant...

Hello, Harry? I'm...
I'm still here, yeah.

Well, I'm having a little
trouble getting that picture, I...

I know I told you 3
days ago but... well,

I had to give them
money so they could setup

a darkroom for the picture.

Harry, we're sitting on top
of the biggest story in the...

What? What?

You heard me.

It's a big story all
right if it leaks out

that a bunch of G.I. jerks
took a smart New York reporter

for almost $1,000. That's right!

Ed Mack who was in the
Pentagon during the war,

looked over those top
secret documents you sent.

It's nothing but ordinary
Army paperwork.

That's right!

Instead of throwing
it in the waste basket,

they've been selling it to you.

You mean there's no story?

Come home sucker!

While you still got
the gold in your fillings.

Well?

Somebody must have
told him, boy is he mad!

- Well, the sleigh ride is over.
- No, it isn't.

But Sarge, we took
him for everything.

Money isn't enough. He's
got to be made to suffer

for all those lies he
spread about the Army.

You mean...

Operation X-2
goes right into effect.

Tell the boys. Come on! Come on!

Do the boys know what to do?

- All set!
- On the double.

Sarge, here he comes.

Well, you think you're
pretty clever, don't you?

Selling me all that
worthless stuff?

Quiet! Close the door.

What? Are the guards out?

- Yes, troop leader.
- Troop leader?

But what is this?

Dum Kopf, why didn't
you tell us who you were?

Well, I thought you'd found out.

Now we know, we
have this wire from our

undercover branch in New
York through Operator X-2

telling us that a courier posing
as a newspaper man was coming.

- A courier?
- Here, eat the wire.

Welcome to Cell
57, Kansas Division.

Come, we've held up the
cell meeting long enough.

I don't know what...

It's all right to be cautious,
but the time for caution is gone.

The time for action is here.

Also, we've held up the
meeting long enough.

Everybody knows their place,
everybody in their places.

All right. Turn on the
lights, we have a friend.

Ach tung!
- Ach tung!

We have here comrade Fritz,
he comes to us with orders

from our friends in New York.

Fritz?

Ach tung!
- Ach tung!

Thank you.

In the name of the leader I...

In the name of the leader I...

In the name of
the leader I Fritz...

I Fritz...

Dedicate my life to the
overthrow and destruction

of the United States Government.

Dedicate my life to the
overthrow and destruction

of the United States Government.

Should I reveal our plans,
may my death be instant

at the hands of my comrades.

Should I reveal our plans,

may my death be instant at
the hands of my comrades.

Good.

Look, look, there's
been some mistake...

- Death to traitors!
- Death to traitors!

- Did you say something, Fritz?
- Nothing, nothing.

The arrival of
comrade Fritz alerts us.

We have but one week
to prepare for the Day.

You know what our cause is,

the overthrow of the
United States Army.

Now, when triumph day
arrives, you'll all have your orders,

we will review same orders.

Troop leader Paparelli!

At 3 minutes after 4:00 I
will arrive in Washington

at the head of a
convoy containing

3 million pounds of dynamite.

Field Marshal Zimmerman!

My men and I will
transfer the dynamite

to the cellar of the Pentagon.

Untersnitzel Fender!

I will be, I will wait...

I don't, why don't I hear you
when you have instructions?

I will wait in the cellar.

The moment the dynamite arrives,

I will attach it to
a 10 second fuse.

Baron Rocco!

I will have 10 seconds
to light the fuse

and leave the
building in safety.

And to you, comrade Fritz,
comes the most glorious task of all.

Me?

Yes, once the fuse is lighted,
you will stay in the cellar,

blow on the fuse to
see that it doesn't go out.

- In the cellar?
- In the cellar!

- Look, I...
- Death to traitors!

- Death to traitors!
- Death to traitors!

How do you do? I
don't believe we've...

- Shh!
- I don't...

Colonel, I'm Ray Barker, I'm a
newspaper man from New York.

Well, Mr. Barker, I hope
your stay here will be...

Colonel, Colonel... do you
know that right on this post,

there is a cell of
saboteurs who are part of

a monstrous conspiracy to
overthrow this government?

- A conspiracy?
- Well, Mr. Barker, I'm sure...

You fool!

I have risked my
life coming here.

If they knew I was talking to
you I'd be dead in, in seconds.

- This Bilko is a fanatic!
- Bilko?

What is that scamp up to now?

The sc... that scamp is
about to blow up the Pentagon.

Oh look, Colonel,
you gotta help me.

I've taken the oath.

If they knew that I was
revealing the secrets,

well, its death to the traitor!

Now, Mr. Barker,
unless you're very sure

there is any
unauthorized activity...

Unauthorized?

There is going to be a
meeting in 2 minutes.

I'll bring you plenty of proof.

- Unless, you're...
- Shh!

Oh, it is Fritz.
Fritz, you are late!

Mark him late.
Why were you late?

- Death to traitors!
- Death to traitors!

We must be hard and ruthless,

as hard and ruthless
as our glorious leader.

Ach tung!
- Ach tung!

Fritz, you're green.

Excuse me, I've got
to go see somebody.

Come in.

Well, Mr. Barker, did
you find out anything?

Oh yes, yes, oh Colonel,
I hope you realized

I was only joking before.

Oh, you've got a
great organization.

Well, thank you.

I've spent a lot of
time building it up.

Oh, I can understand that.

Of course, way out here,

I don't think the
Pentagon knows I'm alive.

But I have a feeling that
they'll hear about me someday.

- They certainly will.
- Well, Mr. Barker...

Oh no, no please Colonel,
you must call me Fritz.

Oh, thank you.

Fritz, you haven't
been with us very long,

but I'm sure you're one of us.

Oh yes, yes I am.

I have taken the oath, I
mean "Death to the traitor!".

I'm ready to go.

Excuse me, I've
got some work to do.

Ach tung!

Shut up!

Now, just listen to me, I
am watched day and night.

My life isn't worth a dime.

I am involved with the
most dangerous fanatic...

Your mother, Fritz?

Yes leader, she... she
sends you her regards.

- Good, come.
- There's a final meeting.

Ray? Ray? Barker is in trouble.

Call the commanding
officer at Fort Baxter.

Tell him I'll be there at once.

You sent for me, Colonel?

Bilko, I think Fort Baxter is
finally going to get on the map.

Oh, is it, Sir?

I just got a call from
Mr. Barker's editor, Mr. Simms.

He's arriving on the
3:30 plane from New York.

Isn't that dandy?

Bilko, I want you to
pick him up immediately

and bring him here.
- Yes, Sir!

- How is Mr. Barker doing?
- Oh, splendid!

We're showing him
demolition now, Sir.

Good! Good! Nice fellow.

Oh, wonderful man,
Sir. Excuse me, Sir.

- You mean... like that?
- No, no, lie flat.

Flat, you see so that
when it does go off,

there'll at least be something
left of you to identify,

otherwise, pooo!
- Oh no, no look, look, fellows!

Is there something
wrong, troop leader?

Something wrong indeed.

- But what is it?
- He is the wrong man.

The wrong man?

But, troop leader,
undercover New York said

that a courier posing
as a newspaperman...

I know, but the real Fritz

arrives on the 3:30
plane this afternoon.

- You mean he...?
- Kaput!

Now, look, there's
been a mistake, I...

Oh yes, we know
it's not your fault

but you can see our
position, you know everything.

We must kill you.
Who will do it?

I would like to. Sarge,
I'm the man, Sarge!

Ernie, please
Ernie, let me do it.

Why must you always
push yourself, Hans?

You killed the last one.

But, Sarge let me...

He's gone.

In about 10 seconds he'll
be making a phone call

and this is one call
we want him to make.

Yes, yes, that...
that's right Sheriff.

Sheriff, this spy is getting off

the 3:30 plane from New York.

I'm positive!

But he's part of the most
dangerous group in America.

Call the FBI! Call,
call, the State Police!

Call the National Guard!
You've gotta get him.

You've gotta... He's going
to blow up the Pentagon.

Somebody to see you.

Harry, I know it's
hard to explain.

Harry, I came as soon
as I found out it was you.

I brought you some
oranges, Harry.

Did they hurt you, Harry, when
they grabbed you at the airport?

Look, Harry, nobody
has to know about this.

I'll write a nice story
about Fort Baxter.

Harry, are you listening to me?

Are you sure you won't
have some oranges?

Col. Hall, I don't know
what you did to that Barker

or how you did it, but
whatever it was, congratulations!

This is wonderful, Bilko!

Our sleepy little
post carries on.

Well, Colonel, when
you're nice to people,

they show it right back
to you as Mr. Barker did

in this wonderful
story about Fort Baxter.

Read what he says at the finish,

"And as far as security
goes, any foreign agent

that gets into Fort
Baxter will live to regret it."

Well, now maybe they'll take
notice of us in Washington.

Yes, Sir.

This ought to light a
bomb under the Pentagon.

A bomb under the Pentagon?
That's a horrible thought, Sir.

Please don't say that.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Philip Coolidge as Ray Barker,

Otto Hulett as The Editor,

and Henry Lasko as Adamapolis.