The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 24 - Bilko's Black Magic - full transcript

Why, his health report is
perfect, in spite of the fact

that for over 10 years
he has been living

on nothing but
coconuts and fish.

Oh, Major, this is fantastic.

Believe me, Captain,
the Army feels worse

about Pvt. Mendelssohn
than anybody.

It was just one of
those colossal slip ups.

Well, I still can't believe it.

During the war, when
our troops evacuated

the island of Uchi Kabochi,

this Pvt. Mendelssohn
was left behind by mistake?



That's right.

He was there until 3 days
ago, when he was picked up

by a Japanese fishing boat
and was flown immediately

to this post.
- Incredible!

Captain, the Army has a
lot to make up for this man.

And our first job is to ease
him slowly into a normal life.

That's why we brought
him to a small post like this.

I'd like you to meet him.
- Good.

Would you step in,
Pvt. Mendelssohn?

Thank you, Sir.

Lester, this is Capt. Hodges.

- Welcome to Fort Baxter.
- Thank you, Sir.

Gosh, I'm meeting
so many people today.

Well, you're gonna
meet a great many more.



There's your Sergeant
to pick you up.

- My Sergeant.
- Come in!

- Captain, Sir.
- Yes, Sir.

Ah, Sgt. Bilko, this
is Pvt. Mendelssohn.

Gosh, Sgt. Bilko, I'm
so glad to meet you.

He's being assigned
to your Motor Pool.

My Motor Pool? But
Sir, I haven't room, Sir.

We're crowded,
watch it will you, kid?

We're crowded now, Sir, I
couldn't take care of him, Sir.

I'd gladly break...
would you watch it?

What are you doing?

Sir, perhaps some
other Sergeant...

Quiet! These are his orders.

Now, get him some bedding

and check him in
at the paymasters.

- But, Sir, we're...
- Quiet!

- This is an order.
- Yes, Sir.

- Come on, let's go.
- Yes, Sergeant.

Sgt. Grover, you've been in
the Army long enough to know

that the Army can't give you
an advance on your salary.

But, Sir, this is
Saturday night.

I know, the night you
play poker with Bilko.

Oh, really, Sir.

Now look Grover, the Army
advances money to soldiers

only in the case of
various emergencies.

Next.

I want to report a
various emergency.

- Next.
- But, Sir.

- Next.
- Yes, Sir.

New man checking in, Sir.

Oh, Rupert, can you use
a new guy in your kitchen?

- I've got enough guys.
- Wait a minute.

Wait here, Lester, let
him see your hands.

Look at this.
Look at this finger.

How about that?

Did you ever see a better finger
for punching holes in donuts?

- You keep him.
- Hey, Grover how about you?

- Can you use him?
- No dice.

- All right.
- Well, Pvt. Lester Mendelssohn.

Awfully glad to meet you, Sir.

Well, thank you.

Excuse me, Sir, I
couldn't help but notice

that he took a liking
to you right away, Sir.

Sir, I mean after all, if
you're shorthanded...

Look, we're always shorthanded.

Oh, are you indeed,
Sir, well Sir, since

I can spare him for my unit,

why don't we transfer
him to your unit?

But Sergeant...

Oh, you'll love the
finance department.

- They're lovely people.
Come here, I'll check you in.

Wait! Pvt. Mendelssohn, you've
got some back pay coming.

But Sergeant, I'm a
mechanic, I don't...

Oh, mechanic! The
world is full of mechanics.

Typist, that's what you
should be, is a typist.

Let me see now.

Got any experience
in typing? No.

Ah, I'll put an expert
typer, what do you think?

Excellent typist,
he'll learn in no time,

won't he, Sir?
- Ah yes, yes.

You heard what the officer said.

You'll learn in no time at all.

Let me see now.

We've got to get a
reason for your transfer.

Shortage of help in
the finance department,

it's a sloppy office here.

I...

$6,700, that brings
his pay up to 1955.

Excuse me, Sir,
did you say his pay?

Yes.

His record shows he
hasn't been paid since 1942.

He hasn't been paid since 1942?

Yeah.

And Sir, I am surprised
that you would lure away

one of my top mechanics at a
time when I'm so shorthanded, Sir.

Jeez, Sergeant. You really
mean you're keeping me?

I'd like to see anybody
take you away from me.

Yes, we're all, all
going to be together.

Jeez, Sergeant. Oh there,
there man, don't start sobbing.

I'm sorry, Sergeant, it's just
that everybody's so friendly.

Kind of get you right
in here, doesn't it, Sir?

Is there anything else, Sir?

No, I've got to make
a trip to the main safe.

Perhaps I can help you, Sir?

- No, no. We're almost finished.
- Yes, Sir.

Jeez, Sergeant, do
you think the other boys

in the platoon will like me?

Like you? You're
like a breath of spring,

when suddenly
everything turns to green.

- They'll love you.
- Jeez, having friends again.

Do they still play
poker in the Army?

- Well, you like to play poker?
- I love it.

I'll see that they'll
all learn, just for you.

Jeez, Sergeant. Don't
cry on the money, kid, wait.

Well, that does it,
15 years back pay is

$7,456.38.

Well, that's it. Let's get
back to the barracks.

Wait a minute.

He can't keep a sum
like that in his barracks!

Why not, Sir? We're all bonded.

Be quiet!

Pvt. Mendelssohn,
as your finance officer

I'd advise you to put all
that money where it's safe,

in the United States
government bond.

Just a darn moment, Sir!

Did I hear correctly
you advising this

naïve young man to take
his money and to speculate?

Speculate?

Bilko, it's United State
government bonds.

Yes, Sir, and if you've read
the Russian newspapers lately

you'd know how shaky
our government is, Sir.

Bilko!

- Only last week
I read an article.

The Americans
are fraud monsters.

- Quiet!
- Yes, Sir.

Now, Pvt. Mendelssohn,
this is your decision.

Sir, I know that
you and Sgt. Bilko

are trying to protect my money.
- It's all I'm trying...

Now Sergeant, don't get
mad at me when I say this,

but I want to
take it all in cash.

Sergeant, you're crying.

I don't know, Sir,
it's that word cash,

it chokes me up.

Pvt. Mendelssohn, do you
understand what you're doing?

Yes, Sir.

For 15 years I have dreamed
of spending it on my friends.

Sergeant.
- Yes, friend.

Don't, don't scold me.
- Scold you?

Don't scold me.

I know you're probably
saying I'm throwing it away.

But that's the way I want it.

Bless you.

Sir, what am I
going to do with this

headstrong and impetuous boy?
- I have a pretty good idea.

Really, Sir? That
was uncalled for...

- Let's go, Sergeant.
- Wait a minute.

Wait, wait.

You're gonna take
it away in cash,

you've got papers to sign.

Jeez, I wonder what kind of
welcome I'll get from the men.

I better warn them,

I mean, I better
get your bunk ready.

- Bilko?
- Sir.

- Really?
- What?

Oh, oh, I didn't even
know that was there.

I, I developed these
sudden cramps everywhere.

I don't... hit it! Hit it!

You heard him, there's not...

Smiles, smiles, just smiles.

Just smiles, I want happiness.

Smiles, are you
smiling? Smiling.

Smiling, everybody!

Doberman!

Get over to the
finance department,

there's a new man there,

show him his way
back to this barrack.

No, but Sarge.

What is it, Sarge? Come on.

Hold it. Hold on, I'm gonna
give it to you straight and quick.

Gentlemen, there
is a Santa Claus.

Oh, no...

Don't start with me,
don't give me the grudges.

When I tell you something,
there is definitely a Santa Claus

and his name his
Lester Mendelssohn.

In a minute he's
going to walk in here

with a bag on his shoulder
and in the bag $7,000.

- $7,000? Sarge, is he hurt?
- Quiet!

Kadowski, watch the door,
tell me when he comes in,

Now look, get this right away.

This poor soul has been
lost on a deserted island

since the middle of the war.

He just got 15 years back pay.

15 years?

And does the money
mean anything to him? No.

All this guy wants to do
is be with human beings.

And if you play
your cards right,

he'll never know the difference.

But, Sarge...

Look, I have no time for
a lengthy debate with you.

Now look, when he comes
here I want happiness,

I want smiles, I want it
to be a made welcome.

Make it like he's...
we're glad he's here.

- Here he comes.
- All right.

For he's a jolly good fellow,

for he's a jolly good fellow,

for he's a jolly good fellow...

Come right here, Lester, this
is just a sample of your friends

who care that you...
Doberman, where's Lester?

This is the most beautiful
thing that ever happened to me.

I didn't know you fellows
missed me so much.

- Where's the guy?
- Oh, he wasn't there.

He's lost. I leave
him alone, he's lost.

Find him, I'm
warning you, find him.

If anything happens to him...

He's only been gone 5 minutes!

I don't care, find
him, but what, what?

Sergeant, I'm checking in.
I've got no time for check-ins.

Find him... Lester!

For he's a jolly good fellow.

For He's a jolly good fellow...

Lester, these are your friends.

- My friends!
- Leave him alone.

Leave him alone. Don't
you see the man is tired?

Take his things, Rocco.

Put them in my room,
he's been on his feet all day.

See that he gets a nice
long rest. Go right ahead.

What's with you guys?

Have a heart, this
man is dead on his feet.

Give him a chance
to rest! Really!

Just lie down and rest, Lester.

Ah, did you have a nice rest?
Come here, sit down here.

Oh, good heavens, who
put these cards here?

- How about some poker?
- Poker?

Oh, I'm surprised, there's
a man dead on his feet,

how can you suggest...
of course, if you insist...

- Oh I...
- That's good enough for me, we play.

Jeez, a poker game
in the barracks again.

I've been dreaming
about this for 15 years.

Well, that's the one... Poker?

That's the game with 10 cards?

- No, just 5.
- Oh yes, 10 cards is cribbage.

That's really my game, cribbage.

You know, I just can't get over
how friendly everybody is on the post.

That's the way we are.

Your usual $1,000
worth of chips, Rocco?

- Yeah.
- Take Sgt. Grover and Sgt. Ritzik.

500, there's the rest.

- They came into the finance office...
- Here's your 1000, Henshaw.

And they only saw me once,

and they asked me over to the
kitchen for a little game of poker.

Here's yours, kid, 1,000,
you'd better count it.

Yeah, yeah now wait,
let me finish, where was I?

You were in the kitchen playing
poker with Grover and Ritzik.

Oh yeah. 5 cards start?

- Yeah.
- Now get this, this is really funny.

In 5 minutes they
cleaned me out.

5 minutes they cleaned
him out, ain't that funny.

Did you get it? In 5 minutes
they cleaned him out.

Don't you get the humor of this?

5 minutes I left him alone,
they got him into the kitchen

they cleaned... $7,000.

Ernie, Ernie, don't
take it so hard.

Sgt. Bilko, did I do
something wrong?

Wrong, he asks me if
he did anything wrong.

Look, I mean don't
feel bad for me.

Feel bad? You lost
your entire bangle,

to the two worst gamblers
in the United States Army!

- Well I mean, what's money?
- What's money?

The main thing is
when I left that kitchen

I had a feeling I
had 2 new friends.

- Friends? 5 minutes!
- Sgt. Ritzik gave me a cupcake.

Gave you a cupcake?

- A $7,000 cupcake?
- It was delicious.

It was. Why you, jerk.

For another thousand you
could've got one with a raisin in it.

5 minutes I left him alone.
Just 5 minutes. Why?

Why? Why?

All right, all right.

You can wipe the
smiles off your face.

- Sarge, what happened?
- What gives, Sarge?

- There is no Santa Claus.
- No Santa Claus?

No.

While we were
practicing to be friendly,

Grover and Ritzik
were friendlier.

They took the
kid for everything.

What a thing to do!

- Why, those heels!
- They're snakes.

- That's what they are.
- Is that what they are?

What are we?

What were we going to do for
him, make him financially secure?

- Yeah, but Sarge we...
- But Sarge?

This poor soul lost in
an island all those years

dreaming of one thing,
coming home to friends?

What has he come
home to find, vultures?

What a homecoming
that poor kid had.

Wait a minute, Sarge, why don't
you get the money back from them

the same way they took it
from the kid by playing poker?

No, that's too slow.

After what they did they've
got to be made to suffer.

Well then how are
you gonna do it?

I'll think of something,
by tomorrow night,

when we give our welcome
home party to Lester.

Hey, Sarge, we're
having a party?

Yes.

And the feature of
the party is going to be

when Grover and Ritzik,
2 shattered hulks come in

and lay $7,000 at Lester's feet.

- But how?
- How?

I'll think of something. All
right, get back to your work.

You gotta stay with me, huh?

If I can flank... what is this?

Comic books? Hey, how
many times have I told you guys

I don't want comic
books lying around?

Whose is this?
- Hey, that's mine.

Yours, Fender?
I'm really shocked.

You? You read this dribble?

Well...

Voodoo Vengeance,
would you believe it?

A man with children reads this?

- Sarge.
- Oh, quiet.

On a lonely island
in the South Pacific,

Goombah, the god of
vengeance, in his voodoo...

really I'm surp... voodoo,
devil dolls, witchcraft.

If this was 2 idiots
like Grover and Ritzik

I could believe it.

But you? You...
Grover and Ritzik.

Hello, hello! Hello!

Sarge, what are you going to do?

Whatever I'll do, I'm doing
it to Grover and Ritzik.

You see, Lester, they
all wear the same dresses

'cause they're in the
Army. They're called WACs.

Ah yeah, I forgot.

Hey, son, getting
used to barrack life?

Yeah, when am I
going to get to work?

Oh, wait a minute, first
you gotta get adjusted.

- Oh, yeah.
- I think the Army calls it therapy.

You've gotta get used to
life again and its normal,

where you do some handicraft,

make some dolls,
model clay, music.

Music? I don't
play any instrument.

You can beat a drum, can't you?

- Well, I think so.
- Well, it's simple.

I'll get you the implements for
the clay modelling, you make...

start right now.

The sooner you start, the
quicker you get to normal life, right?

Now you start making a doll,

then we'll get some
clay for modelling...

Well he should be
here right any minute...

Jerk, you're always looking at
the money, every 10 minutes.

Uh, $7,000!

Let me see it just once more.

Now listen to me,
if Bilko finds out

that we've got this
money, well, I'll tell you...

- Hi, fellows.
- Oh, hi!

- Hey, that's wonderful bean soup.
- Sorry I'm late, fellows,

but those jerks of my platoon
they gave me nothing but trouble.

- Usual stakes, 5 and 10?
- The usual.

Look, if you want to
increase the limit...

Increase the limit? Where
would we get money?

Yeah, where would
we get $7,000...

Ah! We're broke.
We're dead broke.

Say, what was the trouble
over in your barracks?

That new kid, Lester,
whatever his name is.

New kid. New kid?

Yeah, you know the jerks of my
platoon how superstitious they are?

Somebody saw him
when he was undressed,

he had something
around his neck.

Run away, uh!
They went all crazy.

Throw him out,
Sarge! Throw him out!

What was around his neck?

- A monkey's paw.
- A monkey's paw?

Yes, some nonsense
about a monkey's paw

as a symbol of Goombah,

the voodoo god of vengeance.

I laughed at them,
are they kidding me?

Voodoo god of vengeance, the
kid told me this gives him powers

to put a curse on anybody who
has ever done him an injustice.

- Wait a minute, a curse?
- Yeah.

- Who would do a kid an injustice?
- Yeah.

Of course not.

And the kid, in the
middle of Kansas,

where is he going to
learn about voodooism?

Where? This is a
kid that's been lost

for 15 years on a desert
island in the South Pacific.

Really?

I didn't see his
records, I don't know.

Well, maybe the
natives on the island...

Oh, stop! Stop!

You're not gonna
give me that malarkey,

the natives thought
he was a white god

and they taught him all the
tricks of voodoo magic, are you?

- Why not?
- Oh, it's ridiculous.

I'll show you how
ridiculous it is.

I walked over and said,
I want that out of here.

I took the monkey's paw,

I ripped it right off his
neck and threw it out.

Are they kidding with me? Did I deal
the cards yet? Check out your 5, what?

- Your hand.
- What's the matter with it?

It's been like this all morning,

it keeps getting a little
short, but it's nothing.

- Come on.
- Ernie.

- What?
- Don't take

those things too lightly.
What are you talking about?

That may fool you but not me.

This is just... it gets shorter.

How many cards do you want?

Well, let me
see, I'll take ah...

- What was that?
- What was what?

A drum, I just heard it.

Why are you talking nonsense?

How many cards do you want?

Well, all right, give me ah...

There it goes again.
You must have heard it.

- It's the warning.
- Oh, shut up!

Get back here.

Behaving like 2
idiots, just a warning!

If voodoo is and was true,
what are you worried about?

It has nothing to do with you.

It only has powers over people
that did something to the kid,

or took something from him.

You didn't take anything
from him, did you?

- No, no.
- Relax.

- How many cards do you want?
- 7,000.

Look, I don't feel like
playing card anymore.

Oh, just a minute.

I don't believe
this, 2 grown men,

you're acting like
a couple of idiots.

You don't believe
in this stuff do you?

- No.
- No.

I wouldn't believe it if I
didn't see... you guys are nuts.

I keep telling you, if it was
true what are you worried about?

It has nothing to do
with... as a matter of fact,

I just remembered the
kid told me he likes you.

- He does?
- You did something nice to him...

- Yeah.
- I was good to him.

- I gave him a cupcake.
- Oh, did you?

Yeah.

Well you see? You have nothing...
almost forgot, how silly can I get.

He gave me something to give you.
- Oh, he did?

Guys, I have it right here.
He made them for you, he said.

- Oh, tell him thanks a lot.
- Ok.

Uh, the devil
dolls! Devil dolls!

Rupert! Rupert.

I've seen them in the comic
books and comic books don't lie.

- Rupert, snap out of it.
- They're devil dolls.

- Now, let's go home.
- All right.

- I have...
- The curse of Goombah!

- Now Rupert, we mustn't panic.
- I knew it!

Rupert, we're grown men.

Oh, for the first time in
my life I ever won $7,000,

it's gotta be of Goombah,
the god of vengeance.

- Rupert, pull yourself together.
- Oh, it was your idea.

I didn't want to play no
cards with no voodoo.

I was good to him. I
gave him a cupcake.

Hey, Goombah, I
gave you a cupcake.

I gave you a cupcake.

Rupert! Rupert!
Rupert, don't crack.

Give him back the money.

Rupert, look, we're 2 adult,
intelligent human beings.

Yeah. I forgot.

All right, now there's
no such thing as voodoo.

Now, let's go home
and get some sleep.

All right, we'll get some sleep.

I guess you're right.
Oh, it's dark out there.

Say, Rupert, why don't
you walk me to my barracks?

Why don't you walk
me to my house?

No. You walk me to my barracks.

What's the matter?
Are you afraid?

- No, no.
- Well, I am.

Walk me to my house.

We're right in the
middle of a camp

and there's no place
he can sleep but here?

Oh, I told you they're
painting Grover's barracks.

It's only for
tonight, Mrs. Ritzik.

Look, this is my house
and if a friend of mine

wants to sleep over,
he can sleep over.

What a lousy hostess.

- Goodnight!
- Good night!

- Good night, Mrs. Ritzik.
- Goodnight.

- Goodnight, Rupert.
- Goodnight, Francis.

Give him back the money!

Yeah, it looks
just like you, Dino.

- Hi, fellows?
- Hi, Sarge!

Hey, how's the
therapy coming along?

Pretty good, how long
do I have to keep this up?

Now look, Lester, you
know doctor's orders,

handicraft is
good for your mind.

I know, but I'm so tired.

I've been up all night
beating that drum.

Hey, Sarge, how long
do I have to pose here?

What are you beefing about?

The minute he's through with
you, you're going on a 2 day pass.

- Yeah?
- Sure.

The minute he's through
with you, off you go, disappear,

I don't wanna see you around.

Hey, Lester, hurry up, will you?

Now look, when
you're through with it

why don't you take it
over to Ritzik's kitchen

and have him put it
in the oven for you,

he'll bake it and it'll
keep it nice and hard.

- Oh yeah, yeah I know.
- Now look, when you put it in,

carry it like this, you
see, so it doesn't crack.

- It'll keep its shape.
- Sure, sure.

The minute he's
through with Papparelli,

Doberman, you pose next.
- Oh, goodie!

Now, give him back the money.

I just want you to
be calm, be calm.

All right.

Ah, boy, I must have
slept 10 hours last night.

Say Ernie, did you hear
those drums last night?

Drums?

You're still not on that
voodoo kick, are you?

- No.
- Let's not get too ridiculous.

Shall we?

I came in here looking for
Papparelli, did you see him?

Papparelli? No.

Well, that jerk has
been nothing but trouble.

He didn't check in last night.

I'll have to mark
him AWOL if I don't,

did you see him this morning?

No, he didn't even
show up for breakfast.

Oh, what trouble
that jerk gives me!

Last night they got into
a fracas with this new kid.

He took the new kid's towel.

I can't even find
him to blow him off.

If you see Papparelli
let me know, will you?

There, you see?
Everybody's kicking

this new kid Lester around,
what have we got to worry about?

Yeah, we're worried
about nothing.

- Excuse me, Sgt. Ritzik.
- What's on your mind?

May I put this in your oven?

- Oh.
- Can you tell who it is?

- Papparelli.
- That's right.

I thought he came
up pretty well.

- May I put it in?
- Go right ahead.

There you go.

It'll take about an hour.

- Lester?
- Yeah.

You want a cookie?

- No, thank you.
- Here, take a cookie, Lester.

Take a cookie, Lester!

How can you talk
to him about cookies

after what he put in there?

Yeah, right with the
spaghetti and the meatballs.

Cookies, spaghetti
and meatballs!

We've got to give
him back the money.

Ok, I'll give him back
the money, I got...

Hey, where's Papparelli?

The new kid said he was in here.

Yeah. Papparelli, is here.

- Where is he?
- In there.

Look, I've got no time for
clowning around, where is he?

Ernie, this is no clowning.

Come here, you wouldn't believe
this voodoo, but look in there.

What are you talking
about? Look in...

Poor Papparelli.

Well, that's the way
he would like to go,

with spaghetti and meatballs.
I gotta get out of here.

Ernie, you've got to help us.

- Help you?
- We're next! We're next!

What do you mean, you're next?

Well we took $7,000
off him in poker.

- Ernie, give him back the money.
- I don't want that.

There's a curse on that
money, take it away from me.

Ernie, what can we
do? What can we do?

- I don't know.
- Why did you guys get in...

Hey, wait a minute, I just thought
of something, counter voodoo.

- Counter voodoo!
- Counter voodoo!

Yeah, last night I was talking
to the new kid about voodoo.

You know, just for
laughs, and he said

there's a way of taking
a curse off voodoo.

He wrote it down
for me. It's in here.

- And what does it say?
- You read it.

I want no part of it,
do me a favor, will you?

- Yeah.
- You don't know me.

All right?

You're in enough
trouble without me.

I don't want to be in...

goodbye, Papparelli.

But, Ernie...

What does the paper
say? What does it say?

How to break the
curse of Goombah,

first wear a necklace
of chicken bones.

Chicken bones? Shh!

Next rub a raw egg
on your forehead.

Then, at the magic hour
of midnight in underwear,

meet under a
lone tree in a field

and offer repentance to Goombah.

- Ah, no!
- But this is what it says.

Oh, we'd look like 2
fine jerks walking around

with eggs on our
foreheads in long underwear.

- Yeah.
- This is ridiculous.

There must be another way.

- I got another one.
- Oh

- Doberman!
- That's right.

- Can I put him in your oven?
- Wait, wait.

Papparelli ain't done yet.

What are you doing
up, Rupert? It's midnight.

Oh, never mind, go back to bed.

- Where is he?
- Where is who?

Can't a guy have a
business appointment?

- But it's midnight.
- So what?

This guy likes to
do business at night.

Rupert, are you in trouble?

Look, I'm in no
trouble, stop guessing

and go back to
sleep, will you please?

- Rupert.
- What now?

What's that you're
wearing around your neck?

- Oh, this.
- Oh, I always wear this.

You've probably
never noticed it before.

What are you trying to give me?

- I never saw that in my life!
- All right.

Can't a man wear a necklace

made out of chicken
bones if he wants to?

Do I complain about your hats?

- Rupert.
- What now?

What have you got
on your forehead?

Oh, I've got a little
egg on my forehead.

You've got egg on your forehead?

What's that for?

Oh, how did I ever
marry such a nosy dame?

Rupert, I demand to know

why you've got an
egg on your forehead.

You're my husband and
I've got a right to know.

Oh, brother, what a pest.

Do you ask me
questions like other wives

ask their husbands like,
why do you stay out late?

Why do you go
with other girls? No.

You've got to ask me, why
do I have egg on my forehead.

Well, why do you have
egg on your forehead?

Because I'm a sloppy
eater, that's why.

- Come on, let's go!
- Ok.

Rupert!

What do you mean,
it wasn't enough?

Yeah, we stood
underneath that tree,

we were freezing all night.

And Goombah didn't even show up.

Well, Goombah
thought it over for $7,000,

you deserve a
bigger penalty he said.

Well, what does he want?

See, I don't know
how tell you this.

Well what? What is it?

The kid says that
Goombah wants... Yeah?

- A human sacrifice.
- A human sacrifice?

It's either that or in the oven.

Why don't you be the human sacrifice,
at least one of us will be saved.

Why not you?

Well, I'm a married
man, I'm deferred.

- I ain't going to do it.
- Well now, come on.

You're always beefing about
the Army, being a human sacrifice,

maybe that'll be a
good way out for you.

Now look, let's
get this straight.

I ain't gonna be
the human sacrifice.

Now look, fellows,
somebody's gotta do it.

But who?

I don't know what's going on
around here, people coming in,

going out all
hours of the night,

you'd think this was
Grand Central Station.

I'm moving off this
post into an apartment,

where we can have some privacy.

Emma?

Oh, no!

Sarge, she's my
wife, I love her.

We've been married 25
years, well that's a long time.

Maybe it's long enough.

Hey Emma, come
here, I wanna talk to you.

Wait a minute, jerk. I
just thought of something.

- But Ernie, Goombah said...
- Wait a minute.

There's gonna be
a full moon tonight.

I just thought that there's
another way to appease

the vengeance of Goombah.

Well, what is it?

I'll think of something,
I mean I'll find out

and I'll let you know.

- But Ernie, look...
- Rupert, did you want something?

No, but stand by.

For he's a jolly good fellow
which nobody can deny.

- Jeez, fellows.
- Here they come.

- Give me here.
- What is it, Sarge?

Oh, this is a little
pageant we do

for all the new men
who join the platoon.

Here, give me the chair, quick.

All right, now if you laugh,
Doberman, I'll kill you. Lights, lights!

Oh, mighty Goombah, to appease
your vengeance, here is $7,000.

And please do not do to us

what you did to
Papparelli and Doberman.

- What about us?
- Yeah, what happened?

- Yeah, it's them.
- Look at Papparelli, he's done.

Lights!

- Hey, Sarge, what's going on?
- Yeah, what is this?

Listen, mighty Goombah,

We went through a lot of
trouble to teach you one lesson.

There's only one
place for your money,

the United States
government bonds.

Yeah.

Oh no, no, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

This is my money,

I want to spend
it on my friends.

Now listen, if I have
to, I'll do myself.

I'll take this and put
it in bonds for you.

Well thanks, Sarge, and I
want you to take this too.

- Devil doll!
- A devil doll!

He made a devil doll of you!

Oh, stop it there. You don't
believe in this nonsense,

I just got through with
these 2 other characters.

Grover I... I can't turn
my neck, what is that?

Oh, sorry Sarge, voom!

- What was that?
- Oh, voom!

- Voom!
- Take the money.

No Sarge, you take it.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Gerald Hiken as Pvt. Mendelssohn

James Little as Sgt. Grover

and Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.