The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 25 - Bilko Goes South - full transcript

Hey, close that door!

Boys, it's murder
out here, 18 below.

Hot water!

Papparelli, more hot water!
Doberman, more blankets!

Hey, what's going on in there?

Sgt. Bilko.

Oh, I wonder if it's
gonna be a boy or a girl.

- Tragedy, tragedy.
- What's wrong?

Our Sergeant has the sniffles.

If this news reaches Moscow,
they may attack tomorrow.

Shame on you, with
our Sergeant in there



with the medical officer?

Doctor, tell me
everything. Don't spare me.

- I will.
- Here, Sarge.

- Is that you, Duane?
- Yeah.

Give me your hand.
It's growing dark in here.

- I'll raise a shade.
- Come here.

Tell me everything,
Doctor, what have I got?

I'll tell you what you've got.

You've got what
you get every winter,

an insane desire
to go to Florida.

Florida? You mean
my emergency furlough?

It's out of the question.
You're gonna stay here.

Oh, then this then
is the thanks I get

for the years of
service to my country.



Bilko, we all serve our country,

but we serve it
here, not in Florida.

But Sir, I've got
this bronchitis...

Bilko, you're staying here!

But my bronch...

Sarge, Sarge, why don't
you appeal to the Colonel?

Oh, quiet! Forget it.
The Captain is right.

I've got to stop thinking
of sunshine and beaches.

This is my post. I'm a
soldier on duty in here.

- Here is... it's 20 below.
- Here, Sarge, take it easy.

Well, it's one thing you've
gotta say about Fort Baxter,

no matter how hot
it is in the summer,

in the winter, it's unbearable.

- Look, Sarge, maybe if you...
- I said forget about it.

But how can you?
Look at the travel ads

in this holiday magazine,
they drive anybody nuts.

- I don't wanna hear about it.
- Look at this one, Sarge.

- Tropical sunshine.
- Stop it!

I don't wanna hear about it.

Balmy breezes whispering
through the palms saying...

What? What? What are
the balmy breezes saying?

What?

They're saying "Come to
the Apex Travel Agency,

headquarters for
Caribbean cruises."

Caribbean cruises.

Look at this ad, Sarge, "Make
your dreams of a warm winter

in the old west come true.

Come to Arizona."
- Arizona.

- Tex.
- Dale.

I still can't believe
that we are here

at the fabulous
Frobisher's Barbecue Ranch

in sun-drenched Arizona.

For only $69.43, that includes

round-trip transportation
from New York.

And what transportation.

Oh yes, I used
to travel by plane,

but I go the modern
way now, by bus.

Adventure in every speedy mile.

Doesn't this seem fantastic,
Dale? Only 273 short hours ago

we left New York
city via Jet-Away bus.

Only Jet-Away, the
aristocrat of the highway,

can give you these
extras in luxurious travel.

- Free pillows.
- Singing bus drivers.

- Box lunches.
- Sensible stops.

And here we are,
at the end of the trail.

I find my heart's trail at
Frobisher's in sunny Arizona.

Eeh iii!

- Ooh, that sun!
- Sarge, will you stop dreaming?

How can you stop?

Look at this, you
can fly to Monte Carlo

on the French
Riviera for only $233.

Monte Carlo, the Riviera,
roulette, Grace, let me see it.

Let me see it.

"Now you too can afford
fabulous enchanting Monte Carlo.

Let yourself go on
a dashing adventure

into a new world of
old world romance."

- Oh, Raoul!
- Gina.

Can this be us here in
romantic Monte Carlo,

whisked across the Atlantic
by plane at such low rates?

How on earth do
Musselman Airlines do it?

By smart operations, Gina.

Musselman has eliminated
all unnecessary personnel,

such as co-pilots, stewardesses,
experienced mechanics

and they've passed
that saving on to you.

And have you ever
had a smoother ride

than on Musselman's
luxury airlines.

Bye George, Gina.

Those one engine
planes are sturdy.

And we could see everything,

thanks to the ingenious
seating arrangements.

Open cockpits.

And here we are, in
romantic Monte Carlo.

- Gina.
- Oh, Raoul.

Gina.

Gina, Gina!

- Sarge!
- Oh, get out of here.

Hey, Sarge, you've gotta
stop thinking about these things.

Yes, Sarge.

The medical officer, the
Colonel, the post commander,

they're all united this winter
to keep you from going South.

Why? Why? You'd
think I was gonna give

military secrets
to Jefferson Davis?

- What did they want?
- Hold up, will you?

Oh, you know if
you close your eyes,

you can just picture you're
in a miserable barrack

holding your hands
over a lousy heater.

I've got to get to Florida.

Sarge, why don't you
just forget about it?

Forget about it,
sure, it's easy for you.

You've never been
to Florida have you?

No, but the guys in the
2nd platoon of Company A,

they all went to
Miami last year,

just about this
time of the year too.

To Florida?

Yeah, well you know, every year

they have that all-Army
singing contest that they run.

That's right, Ernie.

They send the best
platoon from each camp

down to Miami for the finals.

- Hey Sarge, maybe we.
- Forget it.

Have you ever heard
this platoon sing?

Why even at assemblies
the Colonel has stopped them

from singing The
Star Spangled Banner.

He says it makes the
song sound subversive.

- Forget it.
- We've got no chance.

- That's right.
- What chance would we have?

The only chance we'd ever
have of winning a singing contest

is if we were the
only ones in it.

Hold that. What did you say?

- I said the only...
- Quiet!

If we were the only
ones in it. Why not?

But, but Sarge, every
platoon is going to sign.

Sign, what are
they going to sign?

An entry blank, what?

Suppose there's
only one entry blank

and we're the only
ones that got one

and we're the only
ones who signed it.

Why not? Fender!

On the double, look
alive. Fender, here.

What is it, Sarge?

Sam, I want you to go over and
enroll us for duty in the mailroom.

- In the mailroom?
- Yeah.

Now, in a few weeks
from Washington

there's gonna be these
entry blanks come through.

Before they have a chance to
distribute them, take them all.

Don't let anybody see
them and bring them to me.

- Sarge, that's stealing.
- You're right,

that is stealing. But
when it's 20 below

and with the whole platoon
having a chance to go to Florida,

what do we do?
- We steal.

That's a good boy. Back, back.

Not too close, Colonel,
those mosquitoes are killers.

I have seen enough. I must
say they gave me a chill.

They should. You're
looking at death.

The Anelos Funieti mosquitoes,

carriers of the 100% fatal
Caledonia Fungus fever.

100% fatal?

On every animal we tested,
death came in seconds.

Take it away, Jenkins.

Gentlemen, you finally succeeded

in isolating the
Fungus fever carrier.

Congratulations. I'll
make the announcement.

- Not yes, Sir.
- Not yet?

No, until we've
tested human beings,

everything we've
done is worthless.

Colonel, you must get
us a group of soldiers to...

Soldiers? No, that's
asking too much.

Col. Whister, it was only
when the great Walter Reed

tested the deadly yellow
jack mosquito on soldiers

that yellow fever was wiped out.

You must get us
some Army volunteers.

Volunteers?

How can you ask soldiers to,

to make a sacrifice
as great as that?

Colonel, that's the
story of medicine.

The sacrifice of a
few to protect millions.

Well, I can only
ask for volunteers.

- Lieutenant?
- Yes, Sir.

I want to request
for volunteers.

Make it in the form
of an application,

start with a clear
statement of the danger

and rush the
applications to every post

in the United States Army.

Yes, Sir.

Gentlemen, we can
only hope that somewhere

there are American
soldiers brave enough

to make the final sacrifice.

Wah, wah, wah,
what is the wah, wah?

May I remind you, gentlemen,
this is a singing contest

we're entering, not
a hog-calling festival.

Hey, Sarge, what are we
knocking ourselves out for?

If we're the only
ones in this camp

that are gonna
enter the contest,

what have you
got to worry about?

What have you
got to worry about?

You know they're
gonna pick winners,

we're gonna make an
attempt and sing in, are we?

Now look alive,
do what I tell you.

Sarge, Sarge.
- What is it?

- What?
- I got 'em! I got 'em!

Wait a minute, the applications?

Yeah.

Now look, Sarge, I got
them from Washington...

Let me worry about it.

Give one to the boys here.

I'll burn a lot of them,
you get rid of the rest.

Sign, sign that, fellows.

You know what that means?

That means we're
going to Miami, boys.

So sign it.

Do what the old Sarge
tells you to do, sign!

- Doberman, did you sign?
- Yeah.

What are you standing there for?

Pack my bikini, blow
up my beach ball.

On the double, hey up!

Sign it, Zimmerman.

I ain't signing
anything until I read it,

and there's a lot of
writing here on the top.

There's one in every
post, isn't there?

Just read the
bottom, that's all.

What does it say?

Should any of the
men above be selected,

they are to be sent at
once to Miami Florida.

- Well?
- Well, I'm signing.

- Gomez.
- Yeah right, Sarge.

Get this over to
the administration,

put it there and
let nobody see you.

All right, boys,
now look, this is it.

For once our plans have come
through the way we wanted.

Now let's practice so we'll
make it look good at least.

Now...

We're heading for
the last round up.

Bite your words and
let me here the diction.

Gonna saddle Old Paint

for the last time and ride.

Ride.

This boy is heavenly, heavenly.

He opens his mouth and
the angels comes through.

So long old pal, it's time
your tears were dried.

Dried.

Sweet.

We're heading for the last.

Bite your words.

Roundup.

Get along little doggie,
get along, get along,

get along little
doggie, get along.

Ooh ah, get along...

Yes, hello... get
me Col. Whister

of the Army Medical Corp
Tropical Disease Laboratory,

Miami Florida.

Bilko, how I misjudged him.

Hello, hello, yes,
this is a priority.

What's that? You're sure.

A whole platoon?
Captain get this down.

Fort Baxter, Kansas.

Sgt. Ernest Bilko.

Yes, Captain, I'm flying
immediately to get them.

A Motor Pool platoon in an
unimportant post in Kansas.

Gentlemen, I'm proud to be
in the same Army with them.

- I'll get you packed, Sir.
- I'll get the mosquitoes ready.

Now remember, gentlemen,
from the top that I wanted

Acapulco! Understand?

We're heading for
the last round up.

Bite your words, Doberman.

Gonna saddle Old Paint
for the last time, and ride.

Ride.

Hold me back, I can't keep
my hands off of this boy.

So long old pal,
it's time your tears...

- Hey, hold it!
- What is it?

Some strange officer's coming.

This is the officer that has
come to pick the winner.

I wonder who the winner will be.

Look, don't give it away
when I need to play...

and Papparelli, don't
break up, pay attention.

Watch it, Sarge.

All right, there's
a drilling exercise,

gentlemen, that's called...

- Ten-shun!
- At ease, men.

Thank you, Sir.

Are you Sgt. Bilko?

Yes, Sir, is there anything
I can do for you, Sir?

Sergeant, are these the
signatures of you and your men?

Yes, Sir, I believe it is.

Stop! Stop it!

- Sergeant.
- Yes, Sir.

Do you realize that out
of thousands of soldiers,

you are the only men
who signed this application?

Oh indeed, well, think of that.

I've been asking you
not to do that... what...

I'm sorry, the boys
are in a jovial mood.

Oh yes, Sir, we
figured we'd sign up,

after all, we know we have
very little chances of surviving

the big test, but as we say
in the Army, what a Kismet.

Will you stop?

It's him, he's the
jovial one of the group.

Doberman is always
making... stop it!

It's incredible,
you can still laugh.

Well, I suppose you
might want a few days

to say goodbye to your
fellow soldiers on the post.

Not necessarily,
Sir, we just thought

we'd slip off into the
night, just like that.

Just like that...

I'm gonna ask you, gentlemen...

I'm sorry about the men, Sir.

They're so glad to
see an officer, Sir.

Sergeant.

I don't want to take you
and your men to Miami

unless you're sure that
you've prepared yourself.

Why Sir, we're fully prepared
as we can well show you.

All right, gentlemen.

We're heading for
the last round up,

gonna saddle Old Paint
for the last time and ride.

Stop! Stop!

But Sir, we have
another chorus, Sir.

Gentlemen, I salute you.

Sarge, he couldn't help it.

I almost broke up myself.

Gentlemen, I salute you.

Hey Sarge,
Sarge, I don't like it.

What don't you like?

Well, destroying
the applications

so the other platoons
on the post couldn't do it.

Oh, isn't it too bad
about the other platoons?

Ritzik and his kitchen
platoon just came back

from sunny California for a
cook and baker refresher course,

didn't they?
- Yeah.

How about Grover, didn't he
spend the whole month of September

with his whole platoon?

They were down there
doing the Signal Corps drills

in Texas where it's warm?

We're the only platoon on the
post that hasn't been down south.

Let me tell you
something, fellows,

whatever we've got
waiting for us in Miami,

we got coming to us.
- Yeah.

- It's all arranged, Colonel.
- They're here?

Until the test tomorrow morning,

we're putting them
up at the Thunderbird,

Miami's most luxurious motel.

That's right, Sir.

The Pentagon says they're
to have anything they want.

Yes, Sir.

Fine. Nice, fine.
This is perfect.

But Mr. Pollock, remember,
this is the men's last 24 hours.

- Anything they want.
- I understand.

Never mind the expense,
just send the bill down.

There will be no bill, Colonel,

for what these
gallant boys are doing.

Mr. Pollock, we must
be as brave as they are.

- I know, it's just that...
- I understand.

Sgt. Bilko? Will you come in?

Yes, Sir. Wow.

- How do you like it?
- This is really wonderful, Sir.

Colonel, may I thank
you for taking time out

from your busy schedule
to show us all these

wonderful fabulous
motels? And now, Sir,

if we may go back
to our barracks.

To your barracks?

Yes, Sir, I have to
make a few phone calls

some old college chums
are waiting to hear from me.

You can...
- Sergeant, you men are staying here.

- Here?
- That's right.

You have this whole wing.

We'll... we'll pick
you up in the morning.

Have a good time.

Hey, look at their
swimming pool.

Well, gentlemen, you
must admit this is living.

- I'm hungry.
- Hey, let's order something.

Hold it, hold it,

wait a minute. Just
because by accident

we got this big pipe dream,
let's not push our luck.

I mean, don't take advantage,
you just don't lift the phone

and say: give me room service.

Send me up some caviars, some
roast turkeys, some pheasant,

and a blonde, a brunette
and a couple of redheads.

Sarge, Sarge!

Hey, what are we wasting
time for, the Miami sun is waiting.

Hold it! Hold it, formation.

Now, gentlemen, we just
got a few hours to do this,

so let's have all
the fun we can.

But we'll do it in
an orderly fashion.

- Who's for water skiing?
- Right here, Sarge.

- Who wants deep sea fishing?
- Right here, Sarge.

You I employ to get the
temperature of the water.

I don't want my
men getting into...

- Put it right over there...
- I want no chills in my...

What is this, Sir?

This is what you ordered
from room service.

- We were just kidding, we...
- This way girls.

What we've always dreamed about.

Yeah, turkey!

Sir, I can't help but feel
there's some mistake here, Sir.

Sergeant, the
Army gave us orders

to give you anything you want.

The Army? Our Army?

The United States Army?
- That's right.

They must have approved
a new military budget.

Will there be anything else?

Well, Sir, there's
something wrong here.

No, Sergeant.

The Thunderbird
is at your disposal.

When I told these
guests that you were here,

they insisted on doing their
part to make your 24 hours

with us the
happiest of your life.

They did?

Get into your
bathing suits, boys.

We'll meet you at the pool
with the rest of the girls.

- Ta ta - Ta ta.

Remember, boys,
anything you want, just ask.

Just ask?

- I want the blonde
- I want the brunette.

I want a drumstick.

Sir, for once and for all,
there's something wrong here.

Absolutely nothing
wrong, Sergeant.

Oh, come on, what
do you think, Sarge?

I can't help but think of this.

But if you fellows
insist, all right.

Like the saying goes,
let's eat, drink and be merry

for tomorrow we die.

- Sarge, what's the matter with him?
- What's the matter with him?

You'd cry too if you owned
a beautiful motel like this

and a bunch a slobs
came in and messed it up.

And may I ask what
we're standing around for?

Let's mess it up!

We'll be in the
control room next door.

We'll feed the mosquitoes
from this aperture.

And the men will just
stand here like sheep.

- Colonel.
- I'm sorry, Sir.

But I've been with them
and they're so cheerful.

Why, only yesterday they swam
and danced and sang as if...

it's so cold blooded.

- They're soldiers.
- They know what they're doing.

Let's try to act like
soldiers too about this.

Yes.

A camera will
film their reactions.

This microphone will pick up
any sound they may make when...

Never mind, let's
get it over with.

Sgt. Bilko? This way, men.

Come on in.

Are you ready for us, Sir?

Yes, Sergeant.

Colonel, Sir, I may
never see you again

and so on behalf of the men,

I would like to thank you
for making the last 24 hours

the most pleasant
we've ever witnessed.

Good luck.

All right, fellows, this
microphone is going to pick up

every word we say,
do you understand?

I want it nice and clear
and everything enunciated,

let's be proud of ourselves.

We're ready, Sir,
anytime you want, Sir.

Stand by, this is it.

You know what to do, Jenkins.

Yes, Sir. One
mosquito at a time.

Good. We're starting, Sergeant.

All right, Sir, testing 1, 2,
3, 4, hello max, hello max.

Are we coming
through all right, Sir?

Fine, fine. Stand by, Jenkins.

This is it.

First specimen
entering chamber 09:51.

Pull it!

We're heading for
the last round up...

Well, Jenkins, pull
it. I can't, I can't.

Jenkins.

I was all right, Sir,
until they began singing.

But I can't.

Oh this is ridiculous.
Here, I'll do it.

So long old pal, it's time
your tears were dried.

I can't. Why must they sing?

How brave can you
be? Hold it, men.

- Something wrong, Sir?
- Is there anything wrong?

Listen to that brave man?

What do we do now? General.

What's the matter down here?

Why aren't you going
ahead on schedule?

They're so brave, General.

Shame on you
men, don't you realize

that by prolonging it like this
you're just making them suffer?

Give me that microphone.

I'm sorry boys, we'll
have to start the test again.

All right, Sir, we're
at your disposal,

we have no future plans.

Thank you, we'll get started.

All right, I'll do
it. What do I do?

Just pull that rope,
Sir, it raises the door.

Officers in the
United States Army!

We're taking it again, men.

- We're ready!
- Here goes.

We're heading for
the last round up.

Pull it, Sir.

Gonna saddle Old Paint
for the last time and ride.

I can't, I can't.

I told him about it.

Why must they sing?

Would you deny them the right
to face death with a song, Sir?

Men, I've been through 2 wars.
I've seen courage and bravery.

- I'll do it, Sir.
- No.

Here goes.

Get along little doggie,
get along, get along...

Hold it! Hold it!

I'm sorry, Sir, we'll take
it from the beginning, Sir.

We're heading for
the last roundup.

They killed the mosquito!
It was a natural instinct.

Fire another one, Sir.

For the last time, and ride.

Get along little
doggie, get along...

Sorry, Sir, we'll take
it right from beginning.

We're heading for
the last roundup.

- He killed another one.
- We only have so many, Sir!

I'll go in there
and talk to him.

Gonna saddle Old Paint
for the last time and ride.

Hold it. We were
just going good, Sir.

Excuse men, is there
something wrong, Sir?

- No, no - How
are we doing, Sir?

- Well, you're doing fine, fine.
- Thank you, Sir.

Just stay right where you are
and continue with your work.

- Yes.
- Oh, and Sergeant.

Yes, Sir.

Don't kill the mosquitoes.

- What's that?
- Don't kill the mosquitoes?

- What's that?
- Well, don't kill the mosquitoes.

Look, we don't
ask any questions,

so far we've been
having a ball, don't ask.

You don't want us to kill the
mosquitoes, we don't kill 'em.

We're heading for
the last roundup.

Ok, we're sending them all out.

Gonna saddle Old Paint
for the last time and ride.

Don't kill the
mosquitoes, let them bite.

They're biting.
Catalogue each bite!

Don't touch the mosquitoes.

- There goes the first one.
- Doberman, Doberman!

It's horrible. It's a slaughter!

Well, something's wrong, Sir.

They should all have been
stricken by now, not only one.

Well, we've got this one to work
on, it may give us the answer.

Anything new on Pvt. Doberman?

He's still alive
but those groans.

It's inhuman, Sir, it's inhuman.

It was for science, Colonel.

How do the rest of them feel?

Most strangely enough,
they seem disappointed.

They claim they weren't given
a chance to finish their song.

Such bravery.

Here's Capt. Hauer.

Well, Captain, is it over?

- Doberman is gone?
- You saved him?

Oh, that's miraculous,
what did you give him?

A tablespoon of
bicarbonate of soda.

Bicar... In all of my
years in the Army,

that's the worst case of
indigestion I've ever seen.

Indigestion?

We checked with
the motel, in 24 hours

that man in there ate 3
turkeys, 2 hams, a roast pig...

Oh, stop it! That's enough!

What happened?
Weren't the man stung?

Oh, yes.

Thanks to them we found
the mosquito we developed

has no effect on
the human blood.

No matter what, their
courage will be recognized.

Did I promise you
we'd have a ball!

Sarge, what a trip that was.

Hey, Sarge, how's my tan?

Hey, listen, one thing
I forgot to tell you.

What we did burning those
applications, that's federal stuff,

not a word of this...
- It was worth it, Sarge.

- Look out! Sarge, there's brass
coming.
- They found out.

Listen, not a word,
you gotta play it straight.

- Ten-shun!
- Ten-shun!

Sgt. Bilko, Gen. Owen would
like to speak to you and your men.

General, I'd like to explain.

It was cold, that's why
I burned them, you see.

Sergeant, take your place
at the front of your men.

Yes, Sir... trouble.

- By an Act of Congress.
- Act of Congress, federal rap.

Please, Sergeant.

By an Act of Congress,
a Citation of Valor

has been awarded to
you and your platoon.

- To us, Sir?
- Yes.

- What did we do?
- By signing an application.

Who signed? What?

Thus volunteering to remain
in a room filled with mosquitoes.

The mosquitoes, I told
you to let 'em bite you.

Carrying the fatal
fungus fever disease,

and allowing yourself
to be bitten by same

in which death was a certainty,

and yet in the face of
this danger, your bravery,

your valor, your willingness
to sacrifice your lives

because of medical
science, I hereby present you

with this medal of valor.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's show were:

Jay Barney as Col. Whister.

Bob Lieb as Capt. Hauer,

John Griggs as Capt. Billings,

Nelson Olmsted as Capt. Hedges,

John Boruff as Gen. Owens.

Tina Louise played the
girl in the Monte Carlo ad.