The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 21 - Bilko's Televison Idea - full transcript

Jeez, Dagmar, how did
you know it was my birthday?

You certainly put enough
signs around my dressing room.

Oh ah, well, ah do you
have a present for me?

- Yes, I have Mr. Bickford.
- Well, give it to me.

- Do you really wanna get it?
- Do I really wanna get it?

Give it to me! Give it to me.

All right.

Hey, isn't that
funny? He's terrific.

Yeah, give it to me now. Pow!

Right in the face.
Come on, let's play.

- Play with Buddy on?
- Oh look.



I'm terribly sorry Mr. Bickford.

Now do you have
something for me?

- Do I have something for her?
- Give it to me.

Do you really want it now?

Well, just a minute, let
me wash your face off first.

Yeah.

How do they think
of things like that?

You like this, on
account of these 2 idiots

we got to sit through
this every week.

Boy, that Buddy is terrific.

Oh, I hope puts more he
says, "I deedy deedy do".

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, that was it
ladies and gentlemen.

Our last show of the season
and I wanna thank you



from the bottom of my heart.

- I deedy deedy do!
- I deedy deedy do!

- Turn it off, will you turn it off!
- Come on!

Oh this is the most
disgusting thing I've ever seen

laughing at drivel like that.

Leave them alone. They're
not in their right minds.

When I think of the
years I spent turning out

great television scripts
only to have them

come back with,
"not interested."

- All right, can you open?
- Yeah I can open.

But they'll pay
thousands of dollars

for dribble like I
deedy deedy do!

I deedy... I deedy deedy do!

What a bomb!

Some show you came up with
for Buddy Bickford last night.

And look at the ratings.

He was beaten by a
documentary film on beekeeping.

Boys, we've got to come up
with a new format for next year

or there will be no next year.

You boys have better
come up with an idea.

Maybe if we changed
the orchestra leader.

Well, that's good
dynamic thinking,

change the orchestra leader.

We've got to change everything.

We've got to give
him a character.

There's gonna be
a, a situation comedy.

Mr. Bigby, we've
racked our brains all year

trying to think up
a character for him.

Well, other comedians
have done it.

Bob Cummings is a
photographer, Desi is a bandleader.

Sid Caesar is the commuter.

There's gotta be
something he can be.

Mr. Bigby we've been through
every civilian occupation.

Besides, some of the other
comedians already gotten it.

Wait a minute! I've got it!

I've got it!
- What is it?

Why does it have to
be a civilian occupation?

Why can't he be in the Army?

The Army? I never
thought of that.

That's never been
on television before.

Go on! Go on! Carry the ball.

I see him at a small little post
somewhere in the Middle West.

In Kansas.

We surround him with
a bunch of soldiers.

And with the WAC
for the love interest.

That's it! That's it!
Get me the Pentagon.

Now I'll tell you what
to do, we take 'em out

and spend a weekend at
some Army Camp in Kansas,

you know, to get the background.

Tell the Army he wants
to put his show on for 'em.

- Yes - Mr. Bickford is here.

- Mr. Bickford!
- He's here.

It's a candy store
but they'll call me.

Oh I dig that secretary,
I deedy deedy do!

How are you Bigby,
how are the little bees?

Oh my writers, beautiful!

Was that a show they
wrote for me last night?

Was that a show?

Buddy, here's
last night's ratings.

The ratings.

I want these writers
around for life.

You bums!
- What are you trying to do, ruin me?

You're through. Get out of here!

Get them out of my sight.
I don't wanna see 'em.

Buddy, wait a
minute! Wait a minute!

It's not the writers.

- Oh then it's me.
- I didn't say it was you.

No, I'm not funny anymore.
Call my psychiatrist.

Get his phone number.
He has an ad in Variety.

Buddy! Buddy, look it's not you.

- You're great.
- I am?

- Yes, you're terrific.
- It's just the show needs changes.

- Yeah, we wanna get a new approach.
- An entirely new format.

- You're right.
- But no half-way measures.

- This time we go all the way.
- Exactly!

We get a new orchestra leader.

- Look Buddy.
- I see it now.

Next season we start with
a brand new bandleader.

- Is Harry Horlick still around?
- Everything is gonna be changed.

- Look, you're a soldier in the Army.
- A little post somewhere in Kansas.

- Well?
- I'm a soldier?

It's a great idea, Buddy.

Yes, yes, it's never
been on television before.

Oh Buddy, you'll be sensational.

I can see him already in an
Army uniform that doesn't fit him.

Oh yeah, with the long sleeves
and I've got a funny hat on.

- Hey, that's funny already.
- It is?

Hey buddy, don't you
remember all the laughs

you got during the
shows in the Army?

Oh yeah, what yucks.

"I just saved an
entire regiment.

You saved the
regiment, I shot the cook."

Wait a minute, I've got an idea.

The opening of the
show, instead of reveille,

I deedy deedy do,
I deedy deedy, do.

Doberman! Gomez!

- Yes Sir.
- He's coming here!

- He's coming here!
- Bilko, he's coming here!

Bilko, where is he?

Uh, uh where is Bilko?
He's coming here.

Rupert! Rupert,
I'm here. What is it?

Oh there you are. Oh
he's coming here in person.

- Who's coming?
- Oh I can't say it without laughing.

- You like this idiot?
- Who's coming?

He's coming!
- He's coming! He's coming!

Rupert, he's coming!
- I know.

- Wait a minute, who's coming?
- Him! Him! Him!

- You like... who's him?
- Buddy Bickford!

- Buddy Bickford is coming here?
- Yeah.

It come over in the Tele Times.

- Is it true, Sarge?
- It's what it says here.

Hey wait a minute, there's
something wrong here.

It says, he's gonna
spend a week here,

a week on this broken down post.

Why would that corn
ball wanna come?

- Corn ball?
- You oughta be ashamed of yourself.

Yeah, you can't even hold
Buddy Bickford's seltzer bottle.

- Come on, Rupert, he's coming!
- Yeah.

- Hey, a real celebrity.
- Maybe I'm gonna get his autograph.

I hope he brings Dagmar.

Why? Why? It don't make sense.

Sarge, lots of comedians
entertain at Army Camps.

Yeah. But why this camp?

The last show we had
here was Tobby Wing

and the turkey trot dancers.

Hey Sarge, here's your mail

and your Variety.
- All right thanks.

Why would Buddy
Bickford be coming here.

He hasn't entertained an
Army camps since the last war.

Why would he come to
a dog farm like Baxter?

I'm telling you, there's
something here that he wants.

- Sarge, on this post?
- What would he want here, Sarge?

- You're only so suspicious.
- Come on Ernie, cut it out!

- There's nothing here.
- Suspicious huh?

I don't know what
I'm talking about?

I'm just talking
off the top, huh?

- Listen to this.
- What? What? What is it?

"Bigby executives
are going around

with big smiles on their faces.

The tip is out that the
sagging Buddy Bickford show

will come back this fall
as a situation comedy.

Before Buddy and his writers
disappeared from New York,

the comic was heard to say,

'We'll be back in a week
with a brand new idea! ""

Suspicious, huh?
- So?

- I told you so.
- What does it mean?

It means that
somebody here has got

a comedy situation
idea that he wants.

Somebody here has
a comic situation idea?

Yes.

Somebody on this
post even has an idea?

Yeah, somebody...
what's the matter with me?

- Of course, Art Whitley.
- Whitley?

He's been writing and
submitting them for years.

At last, one of his ideas hit.

- Let's go.
- Where? Where are we going?

Where? You know that Whitley.

You know what a jerk he is.

He doesn't know
what he's got here.

They'll wine him
with little flatteries

first thing you know
he'll let it go for peanuts.

- That's right.
- Why?

Why should he get peanuts
when we can get caviar

and we all share in it, huh?

- Here we go.
- Sarge, Sarge.

What?

Do you mean that you're
gonna handle the deal

and we'll share in the dough?

In the words of the greatest
living American, I deedy deedy do!

Hey Ernie, how about
these torn poems?

I told you it's gotta be a
situation television idea.

Now find it, they're hot for it.

Oh, see, I'm just
completing one.

- Let's see it, what is it?
- Yeah, it's right here.

There you are.

"I Married a Chiropodist."

"I Married a Chiropodist."

- That's a television idea?
- A foot doctor?

Well, it's a new TV profession.

Look, you must have
some other ideas, find them.

Oh yeah, I've got one.

Oh, oh I sent it to that
Advertising agency,

Bigby, Bigby, and Bigby.

Oh, why don't you
check with people?

Why... wait a minute, Bigby?

Just like I thought,
Bigby, Bigby,

that's Buddy Bickford's
agency, come on where is it?

Well, well, they
haven't returned it yet.

Sure, no wonder
they didn't return it.

They wanna get here
and make a deal with you.

- A deal?
- You must have a copy.

- I can't believe...
- Is there another copy of it?

- I have it right here.
- Is this it?

- Yeah.
- "Andrew Armstrong, Tree Surgeon"?

Yeah, it's all about
the adventures of this..

Never mind, whatever
it is, this is the show

that Buddy Bickford
is gonna do next fall.

- Buddy Bickford?
- Now look, I'll handle the deal.

Let me handle this and remember
we split right down the middle,

you, me and the
boys in the platoon.

- Tree surgeon?
- Why well, who knows?

Look what they did
with the fat bus driver.

Feel free to look around
Mr. Marsh and Mr...

- Milnick.
- Milnick, make yourselves at home.

Thank you, Sir.

Excuse me Sir, I found
this portable outside...

I don't believe I've
had the pleasure.

Oh this is Mr. Milnick and Mr...

Milnick and Marsh,
you don't have to tell me.

- Oh, you've heard of us.
- Heard of you?

Have I heard of Rodgers and
Hammerstein, Gilbert and Sullivan?

Sears and Roebuck I get
off a nifty once in a while.

You fellows are
doing a bang-up job.

Excuse me gentlemen,
I promised my wife

I'd call her as soon
as Mr. Bickford arrives.

I'll entertain the
gentlemen, Colonel.

He's our Commanding Officer.

He's a grand gentleman,
a grand gentleman.

Oh don't let this
uniform fool you,

I've got a connection
with show business myself.

Oh you do?

Oh yes, I went to school
with Bob Hope's cousin.

Oh you did?

Yeah, we were on the
same wrestling team together.

She was a lovely
girl, what about that?

I know a few...

What's with the chitchat,
let's get down to business.

This is what you
came here for, right?

- It will cost you $1,000.
- $1,000, are you crazy?

Oh, trying to give me a
little zing, to make me believe

you're not interested
because it's not-know writer.

You think you'll
get it for peanuts?

- Now what are you talking about?
- What am I talking about?

This is what you came from
New York for, who are you kidding?

- Excuse me.
- People are talking business... oh.

Gentleman has this
Sergeant been annoying you?

- No - He hasn't?

Well, that's strange.

Ordinarily, left alone
with 2 strangers

he tries to sell them
a Sherman Tank.

Oh really, talk about
his sense of humor

our beloved Colonel
could come up...

- Quiet!
- Yes, Sir.

Bilko, I want you to show
these gentlemen around the post.

- They need background.
- Background, Sir?

Yes, buddy Bickford is gonna
do a new TV show about the Army.

Show about the Army?

That's right Sergeant
and it's our idea.

We're not buying
it from anybody.

Bilko, did you try to sell them?

Sir, it's just a
misunderstanding.

Col. Hall, Buddy
Bickford is here.

Me Tarzan, you WAC.

Oh hi Colonel, I see
you've got 2 WACs,

one for each knee, what!

Mr. Bickford, on behalf of
the officers and the men of...

Oh get this character, on
behalf of the officers and men.

Oh put that down for the
Colonel for our show, a bumbler.

- A bumbler?
- Sir, I have an idea that...

Oh I don't know, who's this guy?

- I'm Sergeant...
- Your head is shining is in my eye.

- Oh really?
- Hey, that's a beautiful head

of skin you got there curly.

He's very quick, isn't
he? He comes up...

It would make a nice ice
skating ring for midgets.

By George, that's a good one.

The last time I saw
something like that,

I made it the hard
way, in the side pocket.

Funny, funny. Oh I feel funny.

What a beautiful background

with these funny
soldiers and everything.

I like it! I like it!

John, I understand
Mr. Bickford...

Ah la, da dam, jam,
jam, jam, jam, jam...

Oh Chiquita, my cha cha partner.

I thought I left you in
a pawn shop in Cuba.

Kiss me you fool, my
regiment leaves at dawn.

Mr. Bickford, this is my wife.

Oh don't apologize, Colonel,
it could happen to anyone.

Oh Mr. Bickford, I
understand the, the ladies...

That's beautiful,
the Colonel's wife,

a frumpy little chatterbox.

Frumpy? Well, pardon me.

Pardon me, I'm sorry
lady. I'm not the governor.

What?

These show people,
they're full of fun...

Oh I feel funny! I feel funny!

- Show folks, you know.
- My confidence is back.

- Oh curly, would you do me a favor?
- Yes Sir.

Go down to the
station, pick up my bags.

Do I love it here?
Do I love it here?

Oh hold it, wait till I
get out of the room.

- Let it fly.
- I deedy deedy do!

Well, so that's the story.

Take Andrew
Armstrong, tree surgeon

and put it back in the files.

I don't figure this at all.
It all made sense to me.

They're coming here,
that item in Variety,

it all tied together.

I could complete, "I
Married the Chiropodist."

No, no they don't...
wait a minute,

give me that tree
surgeon script back again.

Sarge, you said they
wanted to do an Army show.

Just a minute,
they're on Fort Baxter.

Fort Baxter is my property.

When people are on my
property, they do what I want

and I want them to buy this
script about the tree surgeon.

- Yeah, but how?
- How? How?

I'll think of that later.

The first thing I have
to do is talk about

that Army idea
that he wants to do.

But Sarge, you yourself
said he thinks it's funny.

Yeah, you said they had
a lot of confidence in it.

- So what?
- So we break his confidence.

The easiest thing
to do in the world

is to break a
comedian's confidence.

- How?
- You don't laugh.

- We don't laugh?
- Nobody laughs.

So, now he don't
know what's funny.

So, how his
confidence is broken,

so no, he don't even
know anything that's funny.

So, I step in and I
tell him what's funny.

I've got to tell the
rest of the boys,

platoon, no they're over here.

Platoon What's up Sarge?

Gentlemen, in a few minutes

I'm gonna bring Buddy
Bickford into this room.

Now fellows, he's
gonna come in here

and make some funny gestures.

- Tell you a lot of jokes.
- Yeah.

- I want you to do me a favor.
- Yeah.

- Don't laugh at him.
- Yeah.

Don't laugh?

What do you mean
we can't even laugh?

Buddy Bickford is funny.

Just a minute, remember
I told you if I put over

a certain little deal, something
will be changed here?

- Do you like living in this goats nest?
- No.

Would you like me to make this
barracks nice and comfortable?

- Yeah.
- Wall to wall carpeting,

comfy and warm?
- Yeah.

- Wallpaper cheerful and bright?
- Yeah.

One titter and you're
back in the goat's nest.

Now is he funny?
Never could see him.

- Dull.
- Nothing.

Men, the United States
Army is proud of you boys.

Right in gentlemen,
I think you'll find

yourself comfortable right here.

Make yourself at home.

Gentlemen, the moment
you've all been waiting for,

your favorite and my
favorite Buddy Bickford,

now just a minute, he
asked me to introduce him

in the following manner.

"Presenting Hollywood's
biggest star and here he is."

I'm Lassie,
Hollywood's biggest star.

I don't see you laugh...
let's get out of here.

- What's wrong Sir?
- I don't understand.

- What is it?
- Well, nobody laughed.

Nobody laug... raise your hand
those of you who didn't laugh.

Gentlemen you oughta
be ashamed of yourself.

Here is a gentleman come
all the way from New York

just to be funny for you.

Now show some respect.

Go right ahead
Mr. Bickford, be funny.

- Be funny?
- Kill them.

Hey fellows, did you
hear about the scientist

who crossed a
porcupine with an octopus,

he got a broom with 8
handles, broom with 8 handles,

a broom with...
- Is that it?

Oh that was very funny, Sir.

So now that was funny
and none of you laughed.

You especially Papparelli, you
were especially glum, now why?

- He wasn't funny.
- Well, of course he wasn't funny.

Does everybody who walks in
these barracks have to be funny?

A man came to see you, you
can at least show some respect.

He's a guest.

Now you go right
ahead, Mr. Bickford.

I think they're warm now, Sir.

- They're warmed up?
- Yes.

- All right, one more.
- Now you pay attention and laugh.

The minute the joke
is through, you laugh.

You will tell us when it's
through, won't you Sir?

Tell you when I'm,
when I'm through?

- Yes Sir.
- I'm through right now.

- Hey Buddy, don't give up.
- Hey give them the old block pusher.

It never fails.

Hey fellows, did you hear
about the farmer down the road,

he fired his milking helper.

He wanted to take
things into his own hands.

He wanted to take the... well?
- Is that it?

Oh, it's not the
boys' fault this time.

You promised me you would
tell me when it was through Sir.

- Oh no!
- Now you can't blame them.

You distinctly promised
you would tell me

when it was through, Sir.

Oh this is too much.
Call my psychiatrist.

Oh give them another chance.

I think they're starting
to breathe heavy.

So one more joke
will put them right over.

- Try 'em again, Sir.
- Oh no!

This is too much.
Let's get out of here.

Oh no, get a hold
of yourself Buddy,

these guys are a
bunch of deadheads,

a lot of fellows down in the
other dayroom waiting to see you,

especially 2 sergeants.
Ritzik and Grover,

they're dying to meet you.
- Yeah?

They laughed when we
showed them your empty car.

- They did?
- Yeah.

Good, let's go.

May I say that's
a splendid idea,

Grover and Ritzik
are tremendous fans.

Cpl. Henshaw.
- Yeah.

Will you take them to the
dayroom, take them by the shortcut.

Yes, Sergeant.

Well, you men ought to
be ashamed of yourselves.

Do you see him? Do you see him?

No, but this writers said that
they're gonna bring him here.

- Hey did you see his empty car?
- Wasn't it funny?

I hope he says, I
deedy deedy do.

- I'll die! I'll die!
- Hey, Ernie.

Hey Ernie, Ernie did you
see Buddy Bickford yet?

Boys, I wanna
apologize to you fellows.

Apologize for what?

I wanna apologize
for having ever said

anything mean
about Buddy Bickford.

What's the matter?

Boys I just found
out something that...

What? What did you find out?

Boys, he's come here to
entertain us in spite of the fact that...

But what is it? What
is it? What? What?

Boys, he just got a week to
live. Would you believe that?

Oh no. He's great.

- He's all gone.
- A week to live.

Like the great trooper
he is, he chose to spend

his last week on earth with us,

in spite of his impending doom,

he's hiding it behind
a smile and a quip.

Oh no. Oh poor Buddy.

No, no, no. Don't do that.

He won't want that. Don't
let them know you know.

Greet him with smiles and
even though I happen to know

his tomb stone has
been ordered for a week.

Has it?

With the simple inscription,
I deedy deedy did.

I deedy deedy did
I deedy deedy do.

Come on boys, no. Don't
give into your emotions.

Don't let him know. He'll
be here any minute, smile.

Don't let him know
you know, smile! Smile!

Of course I am.

I promised you'll meet
him and here he is.

Buddy, this is Sgt.
Ritzik and Sgt. Grover.

How you fellas? I'm
really glad to meet you.

I really mean it. I
deedy deedy do.

I deedy deedy did.

That does it! That does it!

- I'm finished.
- You're funny.

No I'm not, look
at that, I'm dead.

I'm not funny anymore.

That's right Mr. Bigby,
no, no the Army idea is out.

Buddy, just won't
go for it. How's that?

Buddy, do you wanna talk to him?

No, no, no
Mr. Bigby, don't worry.

We'll think of something
else on the way home.

- All right, bye-bye.
- Don't worry Buddy.

We'll come up with a
real blockbuster for you.

Buddy, we'll pack
and we'll see you later.

Excuse me, you gentlemen
ordered a staff car?

- Yeah - It's waiting.

Thank you.

- What's the matter Mr. Bickford?
- You got the blues?

Don't worry, I chewed
out my platoon real good.

I told them about
proper behavior.

The least they could
have done was laugh.

Why should they
laugh? I'm not funny.

You're not funny?

Come on, you're the
funniest guy in the world.

- I am?
- Of course.

So how come nobody laughed?

Well, let's face it Mr. Bickford,
those jokes you were telling,

we heard those years ago.

- Years ago?
- My writers just wrote them?

Look, I happen to
have a television

situation comedy
idea right here.

Everybody writes a comedy show.

But I'm telling you the
boys were screaming

at this at the barracks.

- What boys?
- My boys, the platoon.

Your boys in your
platoon can laugh?

- I wish you'd look at this.
- There it is.

- Just look, give it a glance.
- Andrew Armstrong, Tree Surgeon?

How about that? Oh I can't wait.

- That's funny?
- Wait till you get to the tree part.

The trees?

Oh yes, 15 different type trees,
one funnier than the next one.

Trees are funny?

Well, trees are not
funny within themselves

but what are trees made out of?

- Wood?
- The wood is funny?

Of course wood is funny.
You must have known that.

Everybody is laughing at
wood? Everybody laughs at wood.

Wood is funny, man, funny!

- Wood?
- Yeah.

- Wood?
- Cut it out!

- Well, what did I say?
- You said wood, man.

- Are you nuts, Sir?
- Who would be laughing at wood?

Who would?
Everybody is laughing.

Now look, one year they laughed
when you mentioned Brooklyn.

I don't know why
everybody laughed.

Then one year it
was chopped liver,

and then years ago it
was deedy deedy do.

And, and now they're
laughing at wood?

It's wood. Yeah, you knew that.

- You're kidding me.
- Oh no.

Wood is the, the funniest.

As woodman you
must... oh come on,

you must mingle with
the public, you know that.

Well, sure I mingle with
the public every week,

20 million people watch me.

Oh I see on your way to the,

in the subway you
talk to the people and...

Oh no, I have a limousine.

Oh, I guess when
you get to the studio

you talk to the audience
to get that pulse.

- No, only the crew is there.
- Really?

Oh I guess when you get home
from work you go out to Roseland,

all the different places
to see the people.

No, I go nowhere. I
go right home, I'm beat.

And this has been
going on for 8 years?

No wonder you're out of touch.

No wonder you don't
know what's funny anymore.

You mean, everybody
is laughing at...

Wood, don't say it.
Wood is the funniest man.

- Come on, I'll show you.
- This I've got to see.

Come on, I'll show you.

I want you to meet my boys.

Here they come, now
you know what to do.

Yeah.

Come on Mr. Bickford.

Don't be afraid, come on in.

Come on!

Fellows, here's that jolly
friend of ours Mr. Bickford,

go right ahead.
- Hi fellows.

- Go on.
- From any place?

Any place at all,
just at random.

- Anything?
- Go on! Go on!

- Mahogany.
- Did he say mahogany?

What did I say? What did I say?

You said wood,
man. That's funny.

Oh I got knotty pine.

Hey, how long has
this been going on?

Weeping willow.

Elm maple.

Hey this is wonderful.
I'm made! I'm made!

I'll go back right
up to the top.

Knock on wood.

I'm made! I'm made!

Stop!

Now here's the idea I've got
to get to Grover and Ritzik.

I've got to...

All right, Doberman,
Doberman cut!

It's over! It's over Doberman.

I'm still laughing at
mahogany, that's funny.

Sit down, sit down.

Hold on to the chair
because this will

knock you right off your feet.

Listen to this, it's a situation
comedy show built around me.

- I'm a tree surgeon.
- A tree surgeon?

Don't you get it? There
isn't one on the air yet.

I'll be the first one. I've
have the jump on them all.

Buddy, what are
you talking about?

Quiet! Quiet! Listen
to this, are you ready?

Here it comes,
mahogany, knotty pine.

Oh I get it, you guys are
giving me the freeze bit

because you didn't write it.

- Are you crazy?
- Crazy?

I'm being funny man, wood! Wood!

- What's so funny about wood?
- What's so funny about wood?

That's what you don't know yet.

You haven't been
mingling with the public.

Get away from your swimming
pool and your big limousines.

Get out and mingle
with the public

and you'll find what
they're laughing at.

Wood, that's what
they're laughing at man.

- They're laughing at wood.
- They are laughing at wood?

- I'll call his analyst.
- You'll call nothing.

For the first time in my life
I've got something going for me.

- But wood?
- Wood! Wood, man!

Funny, it's funny wood!

If you don't believe
me, come with me.

You remember those 2
fellows who were crying?

- Ritzik and Grover?
- They'll be laughing.

Come with me.

Buddy is gonna
live! He's gonna live!

- Our Buddy is pulling through.
- Isn't that great?

His life was saved by this
magnificent doctor, Dr. Wood.

Yes, he owes his
life to this Dr. Wood.

- Dr. Wood.
- And Buddy is so grateful.

Every time he
mentions the word wood,

he wants people
to rejoice with him.

You can understand
how happy he is.

So look, if you care
about your old pal,

remember if he says
anything that sounds like wood,

rejoice with him,
laugh with him.

- We will! We will!
- All right do that.

- Okay, we'll laugh it up.
- Yeah, wood.

- Hey fellows -
Hello Mr. Bickford.

- Mahogany.
- Mahogany.

Didn't I tell you?

- Weeping willow.
- Weeping willow!

Hey, instead of I
deedy deedy do,

we should switch to I
woody woody would.

I woody woody would.

I had to come all the
way from New York

to find that you fellows had
gone completely out of your mind.

But Clemson, this is funny.

- Wood?
- You're out of touch.

The public is laughing at wood.

I know what the
public is laughing at.

They're laughing at
Gleason, Jack Benny,

Red Skelton and those guys
aren't talking about wood.

They're just funny.

You, you mean this guy
just talked me into this?

He certainly did and you guys,

2 of the smartest
guys in the business

and you let an ordinary
Sergeant flimflam you

into thinking wood is
funny. Now that is funny.

I've never heard
anything like that.

When I tell the boys...

- What is it?
- What is it?

That's it. That's your
new character Buddy.

But what character?

Bilko, a finagling
Sergeant in the Army

who can talk
people into anything.

Yeah and the way he
talked you into the whole...

Yeah and is that funny,
the way he made the platoon

not laugh at me and
then he switched me

and he made me buy this piece.

Get me Mr. Bigby in
New York. Boys, this is it.

Oh what a beautiful character.
I can sink my teeth into this.

I'll wear glasses. Platoon
on the double here.

No.

I don't believe the men
that I'm paying big salaries to

can come up with such a
completely unbelievable character.

Unbelievable?

But this is based
on a real character.

You saw him,
it's that Sgt. Bilko

that drove you from the station.
- Yeah, he's fantastic.

He can talk anybody
into anything.

Why, he's the smartest,

the shrewdest operator
in the whole Army.

He is, eh? Let me
tell you this boys.

This same Sergeant.
Bilko you're so hot on,

happens to be the most stupid,
naïve character I've ever met.

- Stupid?
- Yes.

Who else but the most stupid
man in the world would sell me

the hottest television property
in years for only $1,000?

"I Married a Chiropodist."
I Married a Chiropodist?

Yes, the public is
laughing at feet, man feet!

Feet? Big feet!

Small feet! Anything...

Mr. Bigby may I
interrupt you Sir.

Would you mind giving me
cash instead of this check?

I'd like to divide it
amongst the boys.

- Cash?
- Thank you very much.

- Flat feet.
- Flat feet.

- Arches.
- Arches.

- Bunions.
- Bunions.

- Corns.
- Corns.

That's fantastic.

Yeah, I know.

Announcer: Also seen
on tonight's cast were

Dan Dayton as Buddy Bickford.

Joe E. Ross as Ritzik.

James Little as Grover.

Howard Petrie as Bigby.

Cameron Andrews as Whitley.

And Dagmar as herself.