The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 22 - The Son of Bilko - full transcript

I'm hungry.

What are we going to do, spend
the whole night here in the lobby

waiting for him to get a date?
- He'll get a date.

It's just that he hasn't been in
New York in such a long time.

Hello, Sandra,
this is Ernie Bilko.

Yes, I'm in town
with some friends,

we have a reservation
at the Latin Quarter.

I thought you'd like to
join us to do a little dancing,

and whatever comes
later, I thought you'd like...

Hello? Hello? Operator!

- She couldn't make it?
- That was her husband.



Let me look at that list, there
must be somebody I forgot.

Look, if you can't get a date...

I can't get a date?
You must be kidding.

I can't get a date?

May I point out to you I'm just

a little more discriminating
than my friends here.

- Yeah.
- Yes.

I don't just throw
myself at... hello there!

You don't think I'm
going to grab the first girl

and go... hello, how are you?
You better go along without me.

- Oh, but Ernie, we came together.
- Look, what's so terrible.

I'll go to my room at
the Y, I'll read a book,

I'll look at some the television

then I'll throw myself
out the window.



- Oh, come on, Sarge.
- Sarge, we're not gonna..

What do you want from me?

- Ernie!
- Hello there...

- Oh, hi.
- Ernie, how are you?

- How are you?
- You don't remember me.

Of course, you're Harvey Metz.

Harvey Metz, how
are you, Ernie Bilko?

You old friend, god, I
haven't seen you in years.

- It's been a long time, Harvey.
- Yeah.

- What are you doing now?
- I'm in the Navy.

What am I doing?

This is my friend Cpl.
Barbella, this is Cpl. Henshaw.

Of course you know Jayne
Mansfield and Miss Helen Hayes.

Miss Mansfield, Miss Hayes.

How are you? What are you doing?

Oh, same old thing.

Same? Oh, he's very big
in that business, very big.

What a funny coincidence. Guess
who I bumped into yesterday?

- Who?
- Peggy Lasalle.

- Peggy?
- Oh, you gotta remember her.

The showgirl with the follies,
she was so nuts about you.

- Peggy Lasalle?
- Yeah.

- That beautiful...?
- Yeah.

- Does she remember me?
- Remember you?

You're all she talked about.

She tried to get
in touch with yah.

- No kidding!
- Really!

She gave me her phone number.

- You've gotta... well, look...
- In a little card like this.

Is this it, Harvey?
- Yeah that is it.

- Is this the phone number here?
- That's the number.

Look, I've got to run along now,

Ernie, why don't you
give me a ring sometime?

Yeah, I'll call, where can
I get in touch with you?

- Same old place.
- Same.. I'll call you.

- I'll see you.
- Can't get a date, huh?

Can't get a date,
are you kidding?

Oh, wait till you see
this girl, Peggy Lasalle,

I remember her
now, a rare beauty.

- Henshaw, this dame is the most.
- I'm sure.

And she makes you look
like a boy, wait till you see her.

Is she really built, Sarge?

I'll never forget when she
used to walk in that runway

the follies and the spots
would hit those spangles

and they'd shimmy,
and... "Girl of tomorrow,

you're fascinating".
- Hello? Hello?

- Hello, Peggy?
- Yes, who's calling?

This is your lucky day, baby.

This is the most fascinating man
in town, Mr. Wonderful is here!

Oh, Ernie, Ernie
Bilko, you baby doll!

Gee, I'm glad you called.

- I've gotta see you right away.
- Right away?

And I heard you're
in the Army...

One moment, dear, come in.

Ta la, I'm here, you lucky girl.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, are you...

Don't speak, you're beautiful.

You're even more beautiful
than you were in the follies.

- Ernie Bilko?
- Yes.

- Mother?
- Mother? What mother? Where?

Ernie! Ernie Bilko, you
old hound dog, gee...

Peggy, you haven't
changed a bit.

Oh, there's my
date mum, bye, bye.

- Oh, have a good time.
- That's your...

Oh Ernie, remember
our first date,

when you took me to the
Central Park in that handsome cab

at 3 o'clock in the morning.

Oh, you dog you.
- Peggy, please.

It's good to see you. Oh,
you're still angel lips, Ernie.

Peggy, there's
someone... Peggy? Peg?

Peggy, honey, there's a
gentlemen here, Peggy!

Oh Ernie, this is
my husband Bill.

- How do you do?
- How do you do? How do you do?

- Peggy, for heaven's sake!
- So, you're Ernie Bilko?

Yeah, I'm just an old friend.

Was I wrong, Bill?
Isn't he the cutest?

- Isn't he?
- Don't mind me.

Don't mind me, this
does my heart good.

Peggy should see
more of her old friends.

But, please... but see, I
was just an acquaintance.

- I really got to run along.
- Run along?

- Not before we have a talk.
- Talk?

Yes, why do you think I've
been looking all over for you?

There's something
we've got to discuss.

Discuss? I haven't
seen in you in 18 years,

what is there to discuss?

- Hi, mum!
- Oh, Ernie, this is my son.

- Jeff, this is Ernie Bilko.
- Oh, how do you do, Sir?

Oh hi, this is your boy?

- Yeah.
- Nice looking kid.

Ah huh, he's what I
want to talk to you about.

What? Why?

Why would you want to
talk to me about him? What...

Here, let's sit down and
discuss the whole thing.

We can sit down
and talk about it.

That's good to be
civilized about it.

Now, we've got to reach
a decision about Jeff,

and you're the only
one who can tell us.

Oh, what, what can I tell you?

What, what have
I to know about...?

- Ernie, Jeff is 17.
- 17?

Let's get right to the point.

Peggy, what year was
it I met you in the follies?

- '39.
- '39.

Now, here's the situation,
he is out of high school

and now he wants
to enlist in the Army!

And you're the only one
who can advise us what to do?

Well, look if I met
you in '39... What?

Oh, you want me to advise
you about him in the Army?

Oh well, let's discuss it.

Oh, he's a fine looking
boy, he's got your chin,

he's your boy,
you can't deny it.

- He's your son.
- I know, Ernie, what should he do?

- We think he should start college.
- He's got your eyes.

He's the spitting image
of you. He's your boy.

He always wanted to
be a soldier, tell him.

Oh, is that what this is about?

Look, son, I
better tell you now.

Army life is not a
vacation, you know.

There's K.P, 20 mile
hikes, open air bivouacs,

of course I just know
this from hearsay.

It's a phase of the Army life

I never bothered
with, you understand?

Oh, don't kid me, Sergeant.

- Look at those campaign ribbons.
- Oh, that's in the past.

Jeez, dad, look at this one.
Tell me about this one, Sergeant.

Ah, the brown star,
this one. Oh, this one?

I got that one in the Marianas.

You see, singlehandedly I
charged a Japanese pillbox.

Jeez!

You see, I lost my glasses,
I thought it was the P.X.

Now, no more talking
until after dinner,

Jeff, you go wash up.
- Oh. mum, I don't want...

Ernie will be right here
when you get back.

- Now. get washed up!
- Dad...

Now. you heard your CO.

17, huh?

Oh, Ernie, he sure
took a shine to you.

Yes, he's 17.

I married Bill the year
you went into the Army.

That was 18 years ago.

You mean, if I had
gotten married at that time,

I'd have a boy that
age today, wouldn't I?

You should have seen
him, what a nice kid.

He showed me his
report card, straight A's.

Hey, I got his picture here.

We've seen him, we've seen him.

Ernie, have you flipped?
You had one day left

on your furlough,
what did you do?

You took that kid to the
ballgame, to the movies, bowling.

So what?

So what have you got
planned for your next furlough,

a father and son banquet?

Ah, stop with the
wise cracks, wise guys.

You know if I'd gotten
married 18 years ago,

I'd have a boy that age today?

- You married?
- Dad is tired.

You better get his
pipe and slippers.

Look, I'm warning both of
you, don't start grizzying me.

Don't start with the grizzys,

if you can't have an
intelligent conservation,

don't talk to me.
- All right.

What's wrong if I
had a kid that age?

With all I know, with
me to guide them,

he'd be a world beater.

The president of
the United States!

All right, all right,
get some shut eye.

You're too clever for me today.

And now, the last
part of the question.

It is found on the western slope

of the island of Madagascar.

That is correct, 6
month old Ernest Bilko Jr.

Has won $64,000!

Now, the No.1 cadet who
has achieved the highest marks

in West Point history,
Ernest Bilko Jr.

Thank you, Sir.

Ladies and gentlemen, the
president of the United States.

Fellow Americans,
glad to see you.

As a tribute to my father,

I have just legalized gambling.

Hey, Bilko's back.

Welcome home, Sarge. Here, here!

Hey, how were the dames?

We want names, places
and measurements.

Plenty of time
for that tomorrow,

come on, it's way past lights
out, we're not on a holiday.

We've got a big day
tomorrow. Goodnight, Sarge.

Come on, break it
off, you got a full day.

Who is the kid?

Just a kid, did you call my wife
up when you were in New York?

Yeah. What's he doing here?

Oh, he's been transferred
here on approval, here.

I fixed up his papers, just
sign them and get rid of him.

My mother-in-law
still at the house?

Yeah, well look, if
he's transferred here,

why do you want
to get rid of him?

- Sarge.
- What?

That's the one thing you can't
stand, kids in the barracks.

What's with you, Fender?

You're always trying to
get rid of people, why?

Me?

You're the guy that's always
saying who needs kids?

They've got no money.

They bring mumps and
measles into the barracks.

That's what this barracks
needs, is a little youth in it,

if you want to know something.

- But, Sarge, not this kid.
- What do you mean?

- Trouble maker.
- Yeah?

Look at his record.

He's been in the Army 6 months.

He's been transferred 14 times.

He looks like a nice
kid, I don't understand.

Sarge, 14 transfers?

Look, let me handle it, I
know how to handle kids.

Perkins, on the double.
- Yes, Sir.

- How old are you?
- 18, Sir.

18.

Get in my office, I want to
talk to you, on the double.

Is that all you got to
do around here, grin?

Work! Outta here!

Now what's with you, kid?

You've been in
the Army 6 months,

you've been
transferred 14 times.

What are you on,
a treasure hunt?

What's with you?

Can't you get along
with your fellow soldiers?

People just don't seem to
like me. I'm too quiet, I guess.

If only I had
somebody to guide me.

- Guide you?
- Yeah.

- You see, I never had a father.
- You didn't?

- Someone who could be a pal.
- Pal?

Oh well, maybe there'll be
someone at the next camp.

Hey, hey, where are you
going? You're staying right here.

You mean, Sarge...

Now look, don't think
I went soft on you.

It's gonna be no breeze,
you're gonna work

as hard as anybody else
here. Do you understand that?

I'm appointing you
barracks orderly.

Now, get into the
barracks and find a bunk

and nestle down for the night.

- Yes, Sir.
- Come on.

- It's way past lights out.
- Goodnight, Sarge.

- Goodnight.
- Son.

Hello there. Oh, that'll never
do with kids in the barracks.

Where's that other
picture I have?

Oh, yeah.

Come in.

- Excuse me, Sarge.
- Now what?

There's no cot for me
in the barracks room.

No cot? Maybe you should have
registered at the Waldorf Astoria.

Now look, kid, just
because I went a little soft

and I'm letting you stay here,
don't think this is a breeze,

you understand? You
haven't got it made.

- Now come on, look alive!
- Yes, Sarge.

Well, as long as you're in here,
you might as well settle down here.

Come on, find a
place for yourself here.

Thanks, Sarge.

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm going to make room here,

so I can lay down
right on the floor.

Lay down on the floor?

You can see you're 18 years old.

You haven't got a
brain on your head.

On the floor, you
catch your death of cold.

Come on, take my
bunk right over there.

But what about you, Sir?
Where you gonna sleep?

Do what I tell you.

I slept on the train, I won't be
able to sleep tonight anyway.

Come on, on the double,
I haven't got all night.

- But, Sir.
- Do as you're told!

Now look, you're no better
than anybody else around here.

You're not going to be
babied, do you understand?

- Yes, Sir.
- Did you brush your teeth?

- Yes, Sir.
- Did you say your prayers?

Yes, Sir, in the barracks.

Well, congratulations, at
least you thought of something.

Look gee, Sir...

Now look, I don't like kids
yapping around here, go to sleep!

Kids, noisy kids,
always bothering you!

He's like a kid,
he's asleep already.

It's cold in here.

- Rise and shine!
- Good morning, fellows!

Ok, off your seat, on your feet.

All right. Look alive.

Roll call, roll
call, look alive,

Anderson, Doberman,
Fender, Kadowski.

- Sarge, Sarge.
- I'm calling roll call.

Sarge, it's only 1
o'clock in the morning.

It's 1 o'clock in
the morning, Sarge.

It's black outside.

Good morning, boys.

Did you do that?

Kids got a sense of humor,
come on, isn't that funny?

Yeah, it was very funny.

- Doberman.
- Come on.

Go on...

Crazy kid, go on in there.

Rocco, Henshaw,
where is everybody?

They should be back from chow..

I don't know, Sarge, I've
been working here all day

and I've just finished
up with the beds.

Good boy, now clean the latrine.

Now, you're a good boy, do
everything nice, nice and clean.

I'm dead. Oh, I'm dead too.

I'm dead.

What is this?

What's going on here?
- Sarge, my feet.

- Where have you guys been?
- Where have we been?

We've been on a 20 mile
hike, that's where we've been.

20 mile hike? Are
you out of your mind?

I didn't authorize
any 20 mile hike.

Sure you did, right here,
with full field equipment.

What are you talking about?

Who signed my name? Is
this some kind of a crazy joke?

Hey, did I sign your name right?

- Did you do this?
- Yeah.

I'll kill him! I'll kill him!

What's the matter with you guys?

This kid's full of fun
and you fell for it?

That was fun.
- Yeah.

You know how much fun you're
having? Come on, take it in good...

You bad boy! Come
on fellows, come on.

Take it in good
spirit, he's only a kid,

he's having some fun with you.

Let's get rid of him, Sarge.

Now look, that's no attitude.

He's the best barracks
orderly you ever had.

Now, I'll leave it to you.

Did you ever have your
bed made better than

he's been making
'em? Now tell the truth.

Well, I give him
credit for that.

All right, now go on, we have a
general inspection this afternoon,

hit the sac. Crazy little kid.

I'll kill him,
Sarge. I'll kill him.

You crazy little kid, now
remember, no more gags.

Remember, you
promised Uncle Ernie.

Now look, there's gonna be
general inspection, now beat it.

I'm going to take a little nap,

the minute the general
gets here, you wake me.

Can I depend upon you?
- Don't worry, Ernie.

Wait a minute.. ok, good.

Crazy little kid.

Now remember, you
guys, Gen. Billings is tough.

I want everyone to look G.I.

Here they come.
Watch it, ten-hut!

Ten-hut!

This is the motor
pool platoon, General.

Nice looking men.

Why didn't you call?

Ten-hut, Sgt.
Bilko reporting, Sir.

I'm glad you like... you
should get your tie, Sir,

I'm sorry about that, Sir.
- Really.

Can I show the General
around the post Sir?

No, thank you, Sergeant,
I have seen enough.

Let's get out of here.

Did you see the
way he looked at me?

- Yeah.
- What's wrong?

What is it, something funny?

- Yeah.
- Something the kid did?

Yeah.

What did the kid do?
Tell me what he did.

Sarge, you've got
to get rid of him.

Get rid of him?

Are you crazy?
This is the only fun

we've had here since
he's been out here.

What did he do? What did he do?

What did he do?
Tell me what he did.

That little rat, get rid of him.

Get him out of
here, I'll kill him.

Come on, Sarge, I
tell you, sign it, sign it.

You bet, I'll sign it.

Thank you, Sarge, it's a good
thing we're getting rid of him.

Look what he had
in his barracks bag,

exploding cigars,
itching powder.

How do you like
that little phony kid?

He convinced me
he was an orphan,

the other Sergeants
didn't understand.

Hey, hey, take a look at this.

What's that? What is that?

That's a 45. What
does he.. wait a minute.

What is it?

How do you like
that little character?

He's got a rigged
up... it's a water pistol.

Water pistol?

It's a real 45 converted
into a water pistol.

Let's get rid of this character.

Sign it and we'll
get rid of him.

No, that's too good to him.
That's what the other guys did.

It was too easy
to get rid of him.

Likes practical jokes, huh?

We'll give him a
lesson he'll never forget.

What do you mean?

He's going to think
he killed a man.

- Kill someone?
- Yeah.

He's got a 45 converted
into a water pistol, I'll switch.

I'll give him a 45
with blanks in it.

Get him into a fight.
- That sounds great.

Perfect, he's gotta
think he killed somebody.

Who's he gonna kill?

Sarge, why does it
always have to be me?

- Now look, Doberman.
- I'll die! I'll die!

Of course you want
to make it look good.

Here's what we'll do.

Here he comes.

So, there you are.

Oh gee, Sarge, I'm
sorry about that...

Don't be sorry. It was
a funny gag you played.

- You put the eyelashes...
- You're not mad?

How do you think
of all those...?

Hey look, Doberman
is sleeping in my bunk.

Let's do something to
him, let's play a joke on him.

- How about a hot foot?
- Yeah.

You know one thing about
Doberman? He's deadly afraid of guns.

- Afraid of guns?
- Yeah.

I've got a regulation 45 I
converted into a water pistol.

- A water pistol?
- Yeah.

Now, here's what we
do. We get him mad, see.

Then I pretend I lose my
temper, then I let him have it,

- Instead of a bullet, water.
- Hey, that's great.

- I'll go get it.
- Wait, no, no.

I better go and
see if he is asleep.

I'll call you.

All right, he bit.
You've got everything?

- Yeah.
- You got the blood?

- Right.
- When he shoots, bang...

That's it, fine. You've
got the blanks?

- All set, Sarge -
Switch delivered.

Come on.

Why, you little stray, I'm gonna
punch you right in the nose.

Oh, just a minute.

Let him come, let him come,
I'm not afraid of the fat slob.

- Oh, he called you a fat slob.
- A fat slob?

Hey kid, what are you
pointing that gun at me for?

- Sarge, he's nuts.
- You're nuts, eh.

Oh Sarge! Roc! Hensh!

Dobie?

Oh, no.

What did you do?

You shot him, that's a real gun.

That's my gun. It was there.

What do we do? Look at Doberman.

- Sarge, I'll get a doc.
- Wait a minute, wait.

- It's too late.
- But it was only a joke.

Some joke...
Doberman's not laughing.

I didn't mean it.

Look, we've got
to cover for the kid.

- Sarge, Sarge, he's a murderer.
- He deserves the jail.

I know, but will that bring back
the dear departed Doberman?

Listen, just the 3 of us know,
we've got to cover for him.

I'll tell you what we'll
do, as much as I hate to,

we've got to do it, one
life is better than two.

Take Doberman,
put him in the rifle pit.

It will look like a rifle
accident on the target practice.

- Do you understand?
- Yeah.

And you... be quiet.

I'll see if the coast is clear.

Come on, nobody's here, come on.

Goodbye, Doberman, I hate
to see him lying in a rifle pit.

Be careful, see
that nobody sees.

What are you
taking the rifle for?

Just if anybody sees us, we're
having a night target practice.

Thinking all the
time, thinking...

Roc, Henshaw... oh it's you.

Did anybody see you, kid?

Did you get rid of Doberman?

And Rocco and Henshaw too.

Those 2, what do you
mean Rocco and Henshaw?

The 2 shots, the only witnesses.

You shot Rocco and Henshaw?

You couldn't, you couldn't.

But, but after you kill one
man, it's easy the next time.

Well, you must be nuts.

It was only a joke we
were playing on you.

- A joke? Well, they're
not laughing, Ernie.

Hey, I'd better get
out, maybe I can...

No, no, you stay right here.

What do you mean, stay here?
They may be bleeding to death.

Ernie, please
don't. It's so easy.

Yeah, I won't do anything.

Just go out there
like nothing happened.

Yeah, like nothing,
like nothing happened.

Rocco, Henshaw, like
nothing happened...

Help, help!

- What's happening, Sarge?
- He's crazy.

He's a psychopathic
killer, that kid's hysterical.

- I'm not insane, he's nuts.
- What's the matter?

- You warned him.
- He shot Rocco and Henshaw.

It was just a joke, what...

Roc, you all right?
- Yeah.

- Hensh?
- Yeah, Sarge.

He just shot in
the air for laughs.

For laughs?

It was just for laughs
and you fell for it!

Hey, he got you that time.

Oh, you think I fell, I
was just ripping him.

I wouldn't...

Feel better, Sarge?

I'll feel all right when I know
that kid's out of here and gone.

Well, did you put him on a train?
- Yes, Sarge.

- Did you watch him?
- Till it was out of sight!

- Good.
- Now I can get some rest.

I don't want any
characters like that.

Go on, fellows, I
want to hit the sack.

- Goodnight, Sarge.
- I don't know what...

- Hey, what's this?
- It's got a letter with it.

- You know anything about this?
- No.

It's from the kid.

"Dear Sgt. Bilko, if I
live to be a 1,000 years,

I'll never forget the kindness
and consideration you showed me.

You're the closest thing
to a father I ever had.

When my own dear daddy
died, he left me this old music box,

it's the only thing of value I
have, but I want you to have it.

Pvt. Perkins". How
do you like that?

There's a little bit of
good in everybody, isn't it?

Sarge, I don't trust him.

Look, I don't trust him either

but that planned jokes
that's just an insecurity.

This may be his way of making
up. His daddy's music box, huh?

- Sarge, don't open it.
- What's the matter with you guys?

Now, you see? How
suspicious can you be?

This is because the kid
does a couple of wrong things

you want to condemn
him for everything...

Hey, Sarge, it's beautiful.

Look at that, that's
a rare old piece.

- Yeah.
- How do you like that?

It was own daddy's and
he wanted me to have it.

The only thing of value he had.

Fellows, do you mind
if I'm alone for a minute.

Sure, we understand, Sarge.

How do you like a kid like that?

What happened?

The kid left him a music
box that his father gave him.

Oh, that's nice.

Shh! Shh! Listen, listen.

If I hear one word about
this from anyone of you,

now I'm warning you, if
anybody grizzys me about this,

if I hear one of
you guys talking...

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Rob Kilgallen as Perkins,

Collette Lyons as Peggy Lasalle,

Joe Silver as Harvey Metz.