The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 20 - Bilko Enters Politics - full transcript

Mayor Burke, you've
just got to do something

about those soldiers
from Fort Baxter.

Now tell him what happened to
you last Saturday night, Gloria.

Never! Never!

Oh now, go ahead and
tell him. He's the mayor.

Talk to him as you
would a family doctor.

What happened, Miss Formby?

Well, I was standing on
the corner when this jeep

full of soldiers came around
the corner on 2 wheels

and one of them...

Oh go ahead Gloria. Be brave.



- One of the whistled at me.
- At you?

Yes.

When the streets of Roseville

are no longer safe for
respectable young...

I'm sorry, yes.

A Sgt. Bilko to see you,
he says you know him.

I do. Throw him out.

Mayor Burke, we meet again.
The plans have just been...

Ah, that's him! That's the man.

What? What did you do mayor?

- What happened...
- It's you.

You're the one who whistled
at me last Saturday night.

I whistled at you?

Yes.



I?

Yes.

Now be absolutely sure
this is very important to me,

I just took a physical.
I whistled at you?

No, I don't know what this
is, but I'm not interested.

Is there any wonder
he's a great mayor.

This is no "Yes man".

This is a man that wants
proof and here it is your honor,

the plans for the new
serviceman center.

A serviceman center?

Well, I like to think
of it more as your

first stepping stone to
the governor's mansion.

And I like to think of it as
another typical Bilko gimmick

to get his sticky hands
in the city's treasury.

Do you see it? Do you
see the greatness here?

This is no minor bureaucrat.

This is... I whistled at you?

Yes, I'm positive, you beast.

Well, the facts are mayor,
for $5,000 we could take

the old Hokinson Mansion,
reconvert it, a little painting...

One moment Sergeant, and
who is going to put up the $5,000?

Don't you admire this?

This man is a
dreamer but a realist.

This man...

Yes you.

I can't understand. Well...

The answer is no!

Nobody is interested
in bringing more soldiers

like you to Roseville.

Your honor, may I point out
that this is an election year.

The publicity will
be splendid for you.

There will be pictures
of you dedicating

the new serviceman center,
TV, cameras, newsreels.

Why Sir, it will make
you, it will make you...

- Out!
- But governor...

- Out!
- Senator?

Out!

Ladies and gentlemen
the president of United...

Don't you see...

Do I have to call the
police to throw you out?

May I remind you
this is an election year

and perhaps your
opponent will deliver.

My opponent?

Sergeant, I haven't had
an opponent against me

in the last 15 years.

Now take your plans and get out.

And I thought this
was a democracy.

Well, good day ladies.
Heil, Mayor Burke.

You couldn't make
the deal with the mayor

for the service club.
- No.

But there's an
election coming up.

Back home in Brooklyn,
that's when the deals are made.

Sure because
Brooklyn is a democracy.

It's a 2 party system.

Roseville is a little kingdom
and Mayor Burke is the king.

Ah forget about it, Sarge.

No, no, no, there's more at
stake here than a Service Center.

We've got to bring the 2
party system back to Roseville.

- How?
- How?

How?

What's the matter with me?

Why didn't I think
of this before?

We'll run our own
candidate for mayor.

We're going to run a mayor?

We're going to run
a soldier for office?

Yes, it's legal.

As long as the
soldier is drafted

and he promises not
to campaign, he can run.

It's a Federal
Law, I looked it up.

But Sarge, how can
a soldier get elected?

You know how that
town feels about us.

And Sarge, not even us his
fellow soldiers can vote for him.

We're all registered
in our home towns.

He ain't got a chance
at being elected.

- Who wants him elected?
- Well, then why all this?

I just want to throw in a scare
into his Honor Mayor Burke,

a scare that will
make him make a deal.

What deal?

Well, the minute he hears we
got an opponent, we make a deal.

We withdraw our candidate and
he gives us the Service Center.

I'm telling you it's good,
clean, honest, politics.

Who are we going
to run for mayor?

- What's the difference?
- Hey Sarge, how about you?

As long as the guy is honorable,

he's got a good
clean honest record.

- What were you saying?
- Nothing, nothing.

How about
Papparelli, he's honest.

Papparelli, I don't
think he's a citizen.

I think we captured him in
Italy. He just sort tagged along.

Who else?

- How about the Colonel?
- No, too risky.

He's liable to get elected
then we're really in trouble.

- Well, then how about Zimmerman?
- Zimmerman?

Have you forgotten our little
business with the waitress

last year with the
vigilantes we had to join...

You forgot that so soon, huh?

- Well, then who?
- Who? Who?

What is the matter with me?

Right here in our platoon
the perfect candidate.

- We've got a candidate?
- We can't miss.

We've got a guy that's
like a beacon of purity.

He's got the 3 requisites
to run for a mayor.

He's never been in any
scandal with a woman.

His lips have never
touched liquor.

He's never been heard
to utter a political opinion,

as a matter of fact,
no opinion at all.

He's perfect.

Doberman on the double Doberman.

- Sarge, Doberman?
- He's perfect.

He's never been affiliated
with any political party.

As a matter of fact, he just
barely made the human race.

- But Doberman.
- Quiet! Quiet!

- Did you call me Sarge?
- I didn't call you.

It was the voice of the
people who called you Duane.

The voice of the people?

Yes, your true worth has
finally been recognized.

Now they want you
up on a pedestal.

They want to look at
you as a man with honor,

a man with responsibility.

- Sarge.
- Take it easy Duane.

I made Corporal?

Doesn't he grab you right here?

He asks so little
out of life - Corporal?

That is why I nominate...

No, it's got to be
by acclamation.

Get the platoon
in here right away.

Yes Sarge. Platoon
on the double you.

Duane this is a great
moment. All right.

What? What's up Sarge?

Gentlemen, I give you the
Honorable Duane Doberman for Mayor.

Duane Doberman?

- Me?
- Grab him!

Your honor, come back here.

Sarge, why does it
always have to be me?

Now look, you're
going to run for mayor

and I want to have
no more talk about it.

- I'll die! I'll die!
- You won't.

Now gentlemen, I want
you all to get behind

the Duane Doberman
for Mayor bandwagon.

- No.
- Who needs him!

You like the way you're
treated in Roseville?

You look forward to
those gay Saturday nights

when you have to
dance with each other?

Do you like that?

Well, you listen to me,
get behind this thing

and in 30 days I promise
you your own service center.

- Honest?
- You mean it Sarge?

Yes, this is no campaign talk.

This is a promise,
isn't that right, Mayor?

- Mayor?
- Bring him back here.

Mayor you have
to stop abdicating.

Now listen to me.

What do you want
us to do, Sarge?

How do we go about it?

First I want to know,
are you with me?

Doberman for Mayor!

Now look, we've got to run
this like a real military campaign.

First thing we've got to do is
get campaign headquarters.

How about the empty
store next to City Hall?

Where I sold the
Army surplus last year?

Yeah, till they found
out it wasn't surplus.

All right, all right. Rent
that store for 2 days.

- Gomez.
- Yes Sarge.

Get to the post printing office;

tell them to print up
thousands of pamphlets.

Tell them it's for
military propaganda.

- Yes Sarge.
- Fender!

- Yeah.
- Alert the post band,

tell them they're
parading tomorrow.

- It's Doberman Day!
- You got it.

Yes, now you,
Mullen I can trust you.

Get over to the jet airbase,

you know some
fellows there, right?

Tell them that they're going
to buzz the city tomorrow

and drop thousands of leaflets.

On the double! Look alive.

Now here's what, huh.

Take a message for
the local radio station.

Tell them it's a
military bulletin.

Let me see, "Bowing
to public demand,

Duane Doberman has entered
the candidacy for mayor."

- Sarge.
- Quiet!

Mr. Donnelly, this
is an honor, Sir.

That will be all Miss Basen.

When the chairman of
our party state committee

takes time to visit so an
unimportant a town like Roseville.

Oh Mayor, in an election
year, no town is unimportant.

No Sir, Roseville
carries Clay County

and this year we
need every county.

Well, you don't have
to worry about Roseville.

I haven't had an opponent
against me in the last 15 years.

Good, good.

Just checking to make
sure nothing goes wrong.

What could go wrong?

- Who is Doberman?
- I've never heard of him.

Wake up citizens of
Roseville. It's time for change.

We want a mayor, not a king.

So you're running
unopposed, huh?

I don't understand.

Well, I understand, just
take a look outside there

and you'll see.

Hey look out!

"A vote for Doberman is
a vote against dictatorship.

We got rid of Hitler.
We got rid of Stalin.

Burke is next."

You knew nothing
about this, King Burke?

Sgt. Bilko to see you.

I knew Bilko was
at the bottom of this.

- I won't see him.
- Yes your majesty.

What?

- Come right in, mayor!
- Out! Out!

We'll be out in a minute.

The mayor just wants to
see his soon-to-be quarters.

Now we'll have all this redone.

Let me see, oak panel.

You see, would you make
some notes, put down OP.

- I'll know what it means.
- Panels?

How about the
windows your honor?

Chintz, I think
chintz is for him.

- Don't you get it?
- Chintz?

Try the chair your honor.

A little stagger
around the hips,

we'll just have to
wax the leather.

Look Sergeant I
think, I think we have

a few things to talk over.

I am D. J. Donnelly, Chairman
of the State Party committee.

How very nice for you.

However, this
desk will have to go.

Well, that... What do you see?

Well, French
Provincial, he wants...

Bilko, you're not
kidding anybody.

This campaign is
a farce. A farce?

Was it a farce when you
threw us out of the office?

Was it a farce when
we simply asked you

for a serviceman center?

Is that what this is all
about, a serviceman center?

- Yes, yeah.
- Yes, and they are not going to...

- Mayor.
- Yes, Mr. Donnelly.

Sergeant, I think
this whole thing

can be cleared up in
a very practical way.

Thank George I liked you.

The minute I saw
you I liked you.

- Cigarette?
- Thank you, I don't mind if I do.

That's very...

Your honor you better
go back to headquarters.

This will become
a smoke-filled room

and you know how you are,
so naïve, naïve about politics.

Well, um, it is a
lovely day, isn't it?

Lovely day.

So much for the chitchat,
now here's the deal.

- We want our own service center.
- You got it.

How soon can that
campaign be stopped?

It's stopped.

I liked you, liked you
the minute I saw you.

This big dining room we're
converting that into a billiard...

Pvt. Doberman, Pvt. Doberman,

what do you think of the
Middle East situation? What?

How do you feel about
government days...

Well, I'm sorry gentlemen,

Doberman is not
allowed to campaign.

- It's against the law.
- Excuse me! Excuse me!

We did it! We did it!
Good boy we did it!

Sarge, Sarge you mean?

Oui! Oui! We got it,
the Service Center.

- It worked.
- Sarge, you're the greatest.

I'm sorry gentlemen.

All right, all
right, folks it's off!

- It's off!
- It's off?

Just a minute folks, due to
circumstances beyond our control,

Pvt. Doberman has to
withdraw from the race.

- What do you mean withdraw?
- Burke's been in office too long.

Now just a minute, Mayor
Burke has done a bang-up job.

Now Doberman doesn't
know the first thing about...

So what?

Look, I'm from the
Chamber of Commerce,

electing the soldier for our
mayor will put us on the map.

Yes and we want Doberman.
Folks please, try to understand.

It's his decision
and his decision...

- Wait! Wait! Wait!
- What is it?

I didn't get to shake his hands.

- Isn't he the cutest thing?
- Oh, he's adorable.

- We're insane about Duane.
- What is this, they like him?

Why not?

He brought up a 2 party
system back to Roseville.

- Yes.
- My paper is behind him.

Read my editorial tonight.
We want a mayor, not a king.

We want Doberman!
Folks, quiet a minute.

Doberman wants to caucus. I do?

Yes you do. Come here.

See what's happening here?

This guy is political dynamite.

He can't miss.

Sarge, you mean
we're going to run him?

Yeah, but if he loses, we
blow the Service Center.

Yeah, if we win, we win a city.
Let me handle this, come on.

I have grand news for all
of you ladies and gentlemen;

Doberman's hat
is back in the ring.

Hooray!

All right Burke, now
no more slip-ups.

We can't take any more
chances on this county.

- Yes, Mr. Donnelly.
- Fine.

Yes? Oh, it's for you.

Oh, yes hello.

Oh hello there Sgt.
Bilko. What is it?

Oh Doberman is running,
what? Doberman is running?

Now wait a minute Sergeant,
we'll add a swimming pool,

name bands, a bowling alley.

Hello? He hung up.

Oh dear.

Get, get me the State
Party Headquarters.

If this costs us the county,

it's back to the
feed store for you.

Oh hello, Andy. This
is Donnelly on this end.

Look, we've got a big
problem in Clay County.

We've got a service man
candidate running against Burke,

a Private, yes.

Look, those fellows never miss.

Now listen, I wanna
make this our No.1 target,

rush everything here,
the best speakers,

the, the sunflower girls
to pass out the badges.

And keep those presses running
day and night on those posters.

We've gotta blast
Burke into office.

Vote for Mayor Burke.

Hello. Thank you, ma'am.

Vote for Mayor Burke.
Vote for Mayor Burke.

- How do you do?
- Hello.

Vote for Mayor Burke.
- Oh thank you.

And Mayor Burke has served
you faithfully for 15 years.

If I am reelected,
I'll continue to serve.

This is not the time
to change horses

in the middle of the stream.

And who is our man?
Burke! Burke! Burke!

Sarge, they've
plastered the town.

They've got dames putting
badges on you wherever you turn.

Guys talking on
every street corner.

Sarge, they are swamping us.

What do you want from me?

You know there's a law
against them campaigning.

But there's no law that says

we can't defend
ourselves, is there?

Now they just shot
their bolt, right?

Now we go into action.
- Yeah.

Papparelli, you've got the list

of all the Italian
families in town.

- Got 'em.
- Go! Go! Go!

- Where's Kadowski?
- I got the Polish families.

Go! Go! Sugie?

- I got them Sarge.
- Solid, move.

Listen Sarge, what
about all that money

they're spending on radio?

- We'll demand equal radio time.
- Right.

Those sunflower girls
are murdering us Sarge,

but I'll take care of them.

Yeah, yeah, I'll take
care of that little detail.

I'll take care of it now.

Now, you guys, gas up the
jeep, I've gotta take him on a

whirlwind campaign tour.

I've got to make every
district, every farmhouse...

Sarge, I can't go through this.

Now look, the war is on
your side, you don't talk.

Keep your mouth
shut. Don't say a word.

Where is it?
- Right here, Sarge.

Yeah, now you hold
that. Sarge, a doll?

A campaigning mayor
has to kiss babies, practice.

Now the counter attack is on.

Hey Sarge, she's kinda cute.

Come on! Come on!

Oh hello.

Mio nome Dino Papparelli.

Papparelli? Si Italiano?

Bravo! Papa es Italiano.

Trasi trasi Grazie Grazie

Now we don't wish
to take advantage

of the fact that Pvt.
Doberman is a soldier.

We don't want sympathy.

Forget that he is a
soldier, but just remember

that he would have
been here tonight

if his war wounds
hadn't acted up.

Benedicto, bene. Ciao.

Arrivederci. Arrivederci
Viva Doberman!

Yes lady, the shrapnel
on his shoulder.

Constant pain, it's the pain
that gives him the compassion

to understand
his fellow citizens.

And so friends of radio land,
I leave you with one question,

which has never been
answered yet, where,

where was Mayor Burke on
the night of December 12th, a

night when every law abiding
citizen were in their beds?

Well, sure it was a pleasure
meeting you Mrs. Simpson.

Be sure to drop in on Saturday.

I want you to meet my daughter.

- I'll be there.
- Good.

Doberman, that's the man.

- Vote for Mayor Burke!
- Vote for Burke!

- Oh excuse me.
- Yes, officer!

Officer! Officer!

- What seems to be the trouble?
- What's the trouble?

Isn't it obvious,
indecent exposure!

- Indecent exposure?
- Oh yes, do your duty.

It's been a city law since 1805,

dresses must stay
down to the ankles.

Oh please, cover them up and
get these poor misguided souls.

A soldier can't walk...

Wait till the Chaplain
hears about this.

No, no, no I'll cover
her, cover the other...

Oh you poor darling,
what have they done?

Don't forget.

Do something.

They've been
parading for 3 days.

What can I do?

They've declared
this a war games area.

Well, I'll do something then.

Hey look, hey look out!

Why aren't you out
making speeches?

How can we?

The minute we get a crowd
together, they start running.

Running, why?

You'd run too if a
tank came at you.

How about you?

The minute they
see me on the street,

they blow the air raid siren

and then I'm rushed
into a basement.

- Oh no!
- Mr. Donnelly!

- Mr. Donnelly!
- What is it now?

The Sunflower
Girls are in jail again.

- What for?
- Molesting a citizen?

- What citizen -
Oh wait a minute.

- I've got it right here.
- Never mind, Ernest Bilko?

Yeah.

He claims he was
bitten on the ear.

That's the last straw.

- Come in.
- Col. Hall.

Oh Sgt. Bilko the
enlisted man's Jim Farley.

Yes, isn't it exciting, Sir?

Bilko, I called you
in here because...

Yes I know why, Sir, you
wanna make a public statement

about Duane Doberman
running for Mayor.

That's why I had Sgt. Grover
prepare this tape recorder.

We don't wanna miss a
golden syllable you utter, Sir.

Good, I just happen to
have a statement ready.

I think it's time I set
the records straight.

Splendid, is it on?

Testing 1, 2, 3, hello Max,
hello Max, testing 1, 2...

all ready for you Colonel.

Go right ahead Sir.

I think the whole idea
of Duane Doberman

holding public office is
idiotic, insane, ridiculous,

and perhaps the greatest
achievement of finagling and fraud

ever to happen in the
United States Army.

According to Army
Intelligence tests,

Pvt. Doberman is a man
with no noticeable intelligence,

no experience and is probably

not the brightest
soldier in the world.

I don't know about you
folks, but if I could vote,

I would burn down the polls

before I would vote
for Duane Doberman.

- Got it.
- I don't understand.

Is that what you wanted, Bilko?
- Well, Sir it's an honest opinion.

Would you mind
signing this release Sir,

giving us permission to
use any part of that speech?

You see our radio
time is limited, Sir.

- Well, I certainly will.
- Thank you very much, Sir.

Thank you, here we
go. Back to work, move it!

- Move it!
- I guess that fixed it.

Well, let's hear it.

"I think the whole idea
of Duane Doberman

holding public office
is idiotic, insane..."

Cut! Cut! Cut on
the word idiotic

And cut from is to
the word greatest

and then take out finagler.

And from there on, you cut out
all the nos, do you understand?

Right?

Have it at the
radio station in time

for the 11:00 o'clock radio news.
- Okay.

Come on, we've got to
do some more campaign.

Sarge, my feet!

Come on!

At the top of the news today
is the long awaited statement

by Duane Doberman's
Commanding Officer.

It was just rushed
here from Fort Baxter.

Here it is.

"I think the whole idea of Duane
Doberman holding public office

is perhaps the
greatest achievement

ever to happen to the
United States Army.

According to Army
intelligence test,

Pvt. Doberman is a
man with intelligence,

experience and he is probably

the brightest
soldier in the world.

I don't know about you
folks, but if I could vote,

I would vote for
Duane Doberman!"

How does he stand
on crop rotation?

How does he feel about parity?

How does he stand
on farm control?

Friends let me assure
you, if he could talk,

he would answer every
one of those questions

and I assure you, he would agree

with each and every one of you.

Isn't that right, flower boy?

As we call him back home
on the farm, flower boy.

- Is he really a farmer?
- Is he a farmer?

Then this beast...

Go ahead Miss Formby,
tell them what happened.

He whistled at me.

- At you?
- Yes.

And that was Bilko, the
man behind Doberman.

As for the candidate himself,
Doberman is a bachelor.

He knows nothing
about the problems

you mothers face
from day to day.

I point with pride
to my 6 children

and my lovely wife who is
President of your Women's Club.

Yes, Doberman is a
bachelor, but it isn't his fault.

Look at him ladies,
now does he look like

the type of man who
doesn't want to have a family?

I give you Pvt.
Doberman, an eligible papa

who's looking for a... Mama.

Isn't that cute?

Is it any wonder
he's a bachelor?

All you beauties are married.

- Oh Sergeant.
- Oh I know you from some place,

I saw your picture on the
cover of Vogue, now didn't I?

Oh come now, Sarge.

Now, now, now, fess up,
what was your stage name,

I won't tell anybody,
what was your name?

Isn't she lovely?

All right, let me see you.

All right your honor,
you look wonderful.

Sarge, I can't go
through with this.

Look, you can't miss just
make the speech I told you.

- Let me hear it.
- Citizens of of...

Oh he'll never remember...
he might as well read it.

Here it is, read it.

Citizens of
Roseville, at least I...

At least? Where does it say?

At last! At last I am allowed...

At last I am
allowed to speak d...

D, directly, directly to you.

Directly to you, from
the bottom of my heart.

Point! Point! At this point.

No point, point.

From the bottom of
my heart, I say to you,

let's roll up our sleeves
and make Roseville

a decent place for
kids to grow up in.

Well, you've got to
give him one thing,

he may not read well, but he
does sound indistinct, right?

Yeah, come on here. Fold
this get ready, here we go.

Now remember, the first law
you pass when you're mayor,

you legalize gambling,
remember that.

- Sure, sure.
- Come on Sarge.

- What, what is it?
- Can I take my doll with me?

All right, give him the doll.

Gentlemen I present
the first lady of Roseville.

Come on let's go!

And in conclusion,
may the best man win.

That was the
incumbent Mayor Burke.

And now, for the candidate
Pvt. Duane Doberman.

Yaay!

Citizens of... I can't
go through with it.

Folks, I don't wanna be
mayor. I wanna stay in the Army.

Mayor Burke is a good mayor
and he ought to be reelected mayor.

Thank you. Thank
you, Pvt. Doberman.

Yaay!

Hey what did you
do? I'm sorry Sergeant.

You blew it!

Well, Sergeant, you
just finagled yourself

out of a service center.

Well, I am surprised
at you Mr. Donnelly,

you with your political acumen;

you did not understand
what went on here?

- What do you mean?
- Are you kidding?

You don't think we were gonna
waste a political powerhouse

like Doberman on a small
thing like the mayorship, do you?

- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about next year,

we're running him for
governor against your candidate.

- So long now...
- Governor?

- Hey wait!
- Wait a minute Sergeant.

You're a, a very smart man.

Well, thank you very much.
It's nice of you to say that.

However, here's the deal, we
want our own service center.

- You understand that?
- You've got it.

- Have you got a candidate?
- We don't have one.

I liked you the
minute I saw you.

The minute I saw you
I thought you were...

Just a minute, I wanna
make one more deal with you.

What's that?

You just give me your word
that you'll stay out of politics

for the rest of your life

and I'll see to it that
you get a swimming pool.

A swimming pool?

Oh you did it again,
you heard him!

What is she talking about?

You heard him! You
did it again you beast.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were

Harry Gresham as Mayor Burke.

Humphrey Davis as Donnelly.

Margaret Hamilton
as Miss Formby.