The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 18 - Bilko Presents Bing Crosby - full transcript
Bilko hoodwinks Bing Crosby's manager into having Bing drop by at Fort Baxter. Ernie stages a concert but gets word that Bing won't be able to visit after all so he tries to pass off a lookalike as the real thing.
Last week's rosters.
Ta ra!
Hear ye, hear ye, in
anticipation of you selling
the most tickets for our
Mardi Gras this Saturday night,
we have selected you our queen
of the very same Mardi Gras.
Ernie nobody is interested.
What are you talking
about? The crown just fits you.
But it should I've
worn it often enough.
I've Been Mess Kit,
Miss Three Day Pass,
Miss Guided Missile,
Miss Weather Balloon.
Oh you're just
on a lucky streak.
Well I was silly enough to think
that some of those promises
of a gay, mad evening were true.
What about my Mother's day
dance that everybody is talking about?
- Everybody had fun.
- Huh such fun.
We all had to dance
with our mothers.
Come on, look Joanie,
just get a few tickets.
Everybody will follow you.
No, I'm tired of
being a lead dog
to every phony
dance that you put on.
But honey I'm
offering you a crown.
Well give it to Grace Kelly.
Now look that's
not the way to act.
- I...
- See you at dinner darling.
- Stop.
- Oh Sgt. Bilko, it's you.
You did it again.
- What did I do?
- You dropped in.
A pebble of beauty
in the sea of drabness.
Oh Sgt. Bilko, I'm just a
plain old Colonel's wife.
Plain, my dear calling you plain
is like calling Marilyn
Monroe raw-boned.
- You're something.
- Did the costumes arrive?
- What costumes?
- What costumes?
Didn't anybody tell, well
never mind I ordered it.
Lovely hoop skirt,
and long blonde curls.
Hoops?
Yes it's for my
affair Saturday night.
It's the "Hallo Young
Lovers Dance."
The festival that I honor
Dolly and James Madison.
Oh it will be lovely.
You in the hoop skirts whirling
around leading the minuet
and the Colonel in his Periwig
and satin knee breeches, oh.
Here you are dear,
here are 10 tickets.
Don't pay me now, pay
me whenever you want.
See your husband. I'm
sure he will be delighted.
I'll see my husband.
Well, well the dance
is on now, all the gaiety,
buy your tickets
girls, think of it.
The mad, mad minuet hah.
Madam du Barry, well
ah, Marie Antoinette.
- Ah Col. Hall.
- At ease Bilko.
Thank you Sir.
Bilko my wife tells me I
owe you money for tickets.
Oh Sir there's a
mistake, those tickets
should have been
marked complimentary Sir.
- I will fix that Sir.
- Take them back.
But Sir they are your
tickets, please Sir
you ought to be James
and Dolly Madison.
- Take them back.
- Really John, Sgt. Bilko
is giving them to us for nothing.
- Yes.
Nothing it's another Bilko
gimmick to sell tickets.
To sell tickets.
They'll come by the bus loads
to see me doing the
minuet in white curls.
Sir, it never
crossed my mind Sir.
Well something's
crossed my mind.
I've had enough of these
complaints about your phony affairs.
But Sir, I'm just
trying to bring in
a festive mode
into drab life here.
Bilko as of now, I take back
permission to use the rec hall.
The rec hall Sir
is the foundation
of my entertainment
plan for the men.
Bilko let the Army take
care of the entertainment.
Is Velma Banky and
all her soldier revue
coming through again Sir.
Bilko no more dances,
no more tickets, that's final.
Yes Sir.
- Really? Really John now?
- No!
Oh.
It's too bad and you would
look so lovely doing the minuet.
- Oh wait, wait.
- John?
No.
The Colonel won't let
you use the rec hall?
That brings the Bilko social
season to a grinding halt.
Why? Why do these
things happen to me when
I'm so desperate for money?
Sarge if you're
really desperate,
there's $200 in the
Platoon Welfare Fund.
Sure just explain to the
platoon that you need the money.
Well first I will
explain to the platoon
that I already took the money.
- You took the money.
This proposition came
along, the horse is 50 to 1.
If he'd won, I'd have bought
the boys a swimming pool.
I got get the tickets.
I got to get that money
back into the welfare fund
Sarge, Sarge you gotta give
them something for their money.
What, what?
You've got to have an attraction,
big time entertainment stars.
Stars, you forget we're
in the middle of Kansas.
Who comes here?
Japanese Beetles, and
dust from Oklahoma.
Hey Sarge, how come other camps
get movie stars
to entertain them?
How come? I will tell
you why how come.
Because all the big camps
are either in New York
or Hollywood is
where all the stars are.
What stars are we
getting in Kansas?
If they're in Kansas
they're flying
18000 ft above going someplace.
What do you want me
to do, shoot them down?
He's right, he's right look,
Tallulah Bankhead starts
rehearsal in New York.
See that New York.
Tony Curtis in Hollywood
to start shooting new film.
Hollywood, New York.
With the shooting of his
new picture coming to an end,
Bing Crosby is
motoring from Hollywood
to New York to TV appearances.
See what I mean. It's
New York or Hollywood.
Tito Gonzalez,
leaving all Benito...
Wait a minute
was that last item?
- Tito Gonzalez?
- No, no, the other one.
Oh Bing Crosby is motoring
from Hollywood to New York.
Motoring from, that means he
is going to pass through Kansas.
- Sarge, do you think?
- I'm always thinking.
Get some posters ready.
Sgt. E. Bilko
presents Bing Crosby.
- Mr. Crosby?
- Yes.
There's a collect call from
Roseville Kansas, Fort Baxter.
Collect? Oh it must be
Gary, he's been transferred.
- It's on 7.
- Hallo?
Do I have the extreme pleasure
of speaking to
Everett Crosby Sir.
This is Sgt. Bilko,
and congratulations.
I know Bing was tremendously
thrilled with the honor,
but believe me he deserved it.
Honor? What honor?
Good heavens; hasn't it
reached the California papers yet?
I'm privileged to tell you
that the soldiers of Fort Baxter
had voted Bing Crosby the
singing discovery of the year.
Singing discovery?
Some soldiers in
Kansas have voted Bing
the singing
discovery of the year.
- That's cute.
- Thank you so much Sergeant.
Thank you and when
can we expect Mr. Crosby,
what is the exact
day he will be here
to accept the award in person.
- In person?
Yes we understand
he's motoring east,
he will have to come
through Topeka, Kansas.
Fort Baxter is only 35
miles out of the way.
Oh Sergeant I' m so
sorry he is making this trip
strictly for a rest.
Can make no
personal appearances.
Is there anything
else we can do?
Yes Sir, can we have
a picture of Mr. Crosby.
Of course, they
want a picture of Bing.
That's cute.
Of course Sergeant
we will send you one.
And Sir may we have that
picture life sized please?
Life size.
Yes you see we're
all going overseas
and we'd like to see
that picture on the dock
as our boat pulls away
from the native shores
of the land we love so much,
taking us thousands of miles
away to defend the country we love.
The last thing that we will
see is the picture of our idol,
who wouldn't go 35 miles out
of his way to say goodbye to us.
Now when can we
expect the pictures Sir?
Now wait a minute
Sergeant, just a minute.
Will you make
that picture in color
so it will burn into
in our memories.
Well goodbye Sir, and
thank you very much.
Now don't, don't, don't
hang up Sergeant wait.
- Now get, get me Bing, get me Bing.
- Well?
I think it was a direct hit.
When I did the bit about going
away from the native shore
I heard heavy breathing.
Look Bing it's just 35 miles
out of the way, it's a breeze.
Imagine your picture on that
dock as that boat pulls away.
They're probably going
to use it for target practice.
This is a must Bing.
You, you got to do it.
Oh good, good Bing.
Huh, he is going to do it.
That's cute.
- Hallo Sergeant?
- Yes Mr. Crosby?
He will be here, Saturday,
thank you so very much.
- He is coming.
- Yeeeh!
Yeah Sarge.
Get some posters printed. Sgt.
E. Bilko presents Bing Crosby.
Gee Sarge, that was
wonderful of Bing.
Like I told you, the bigger
they are they got it in here.
Say we got to do
something nice for Bing.
Tell you what, you know
in the posters you make,
make his name as big
as mine. Bing will like that.
- How are you ladies in khaki?
- Hi!
- What is it now Ernie?
- Just the duty roster.
Oh fine.
Oh Joan, would you make
out visitor's pass for me please.
Yeah this friend is coming to
stay with me for a day or so,
I guess he will be
comfortable here.
Visitor's name?
Oh it's right here
on this telegram.
Here it says we
will arrive Friday,
that's his name right there.
- Bing Crosby.
I guess I will have one of
the boys put him in a Carty,
he should be comfortable there.
Take this to the
Colonel, have it signed.
Thank you very much.
- Bing Crosby!
- Ernie, please let me see him.
Please. Quiet. Quiet! Quiet.
- What is going on here?
- What's going on here?
- Girls get back to work.
- Get back to your work.
Bilko? Bilko? What
are you doing here?
Bilko you should...
oh excuse me Sir.
Bilko, if you're trying to
promote one of your phony affairs.
But Sir, how can I
when the recreation hall
is closed to me Sir.
- Good now get back to work.
- Yes, oh excuse me Sir.
Would you sign this
visitor's pass please Sir.
Oh hurry up what is it?
Permission granted for a visitor
Bing Crosby Friday the 12th.
Well there you are.
Now get back to work.
Thank you very much Sir.
Quiet, stand back you
want to be trampled.
Bing Crosby! Bing
Crosby! Where is he?
Whe…Bilko, Bing Crosby is
coming here to Fort Baxter.
But Sir you just
gave me permission.
Please Sir I know you're
an Elvis Presley fan,
Bing's got as much right
to be here as anybody else.
- Quiet!
- Sir I promise you
I will keep him out of the way,
he won't bother anybody Sir.
- Never mind.
- Sir if he starts to sing
I will lock the
window, believe me.
You, you will lock the
window, if Bing sings
we're all going to hear
him in the recreation hall.
The recreation hall, but
Sir you said I couldn't do it.
I said, when do you ever
take anything I say seriously?
- Sir your word is law to me Sir.
- Oh never mind.
Oh, I will tell
Bing not to come.
Oh, oh Bilko, why can't you
just make a show out of it all,
you know you're
very good at that.
- You're wonderful.
- Thank you very much Sir.
I never thought of it that
way, but Sir, I will need time.
I have to print
publicity and tickets
and all the arrangements
of the rec hall Sir.
Well, see how fast
you can get it done.
Yes Sir.
Bing sings at Baxter, at
the recreation hall, $2 ticket.
This is as fast as
I could do it Sir.
Take here I like Bing Button,
big smile with an
I like Bing button.
All right keep that
line moving please.
Eh 2 tickets for the
Bing Crosby show.
2 tickets for the Bing
Crosby show, thank you,
2 tickets for my Robert
Fulton's birthday ball.
2 tickets or the Hats
off to the UN dance.
- That will be $12.
- $12?
Yes it's a subscription plan.
But I don't want
these other tickets.
- Next!
- I'll take it, I'll take it.
Alrighty, all right
who is next Sir?
Have you got anything
in the first row?
- Henshaw I need...
- 4 Sarge.
We have 4 on first, oh yes I
must tell you these are lap seats.
Lap seats.
All the seats in the
first row you're going
to have to sit on
somebody's lap.
- I don't want my girlfriend.
- Next!
- No I'll take 'em, I'll take 'em.
- All right here you are Sir.
Soldier, don't wear anything
sharp in your hip pocket will you?
- I'm all sold out.
- Hey Sarge, Doberman is here.
All right, reload him and check
him out, take care of the sale.
- Sarge my feet.
- How did you do?
- $14.80.
- All right check him out.
He went out with 16 Bing
Crosby porkpie hats at $1 apiece.
- Checks.
- 10 Bing Crosby pipes 50 cents.
That checks.
One dozen welcome Bing
balloons 10 cents each.
Wait a second
you're 20 cents short?
I broke 2 of the balloons.
- It will come out of your commissions.
- Load him up again.
- Sarge!
- What?
Is it all right if I put 10
WACs in one section?
Okay but they will have to
sign the non-squealing oath.
- Sarge?
- What is it Papparelli?
Sarge, give me
something else to sell
these "I like Bing"
buttons aren't moving.
They should be move,
what is the matter with you?
At least paint them over,
you can still see
where it says "Ike."
All right Rocco, give me those
autograph pictures of the Bing.
The authentic
Autograph pictures.
Sell them at $1 a piece,
watch it the ink is still wet.
- On the double move it.
- I go it, I got it.
Here is the money.
Here is the $20.
Now do I get to do it.
I gave you my word
of honor didn't I?
- Gee thanks.
- Rocco, $20 from Grover.
All right, now the deal is
when Bing pulls up in his car...
- You get to carry his golf clubs.
- I will never forget you.
All right son. Keep moving.
I've got to meet Bing,
Bing, I've got to meet Bing.
- Now put me down for $10.
- $10 for what?
For what you said, I, I get
to shake Bing Crosby's hand.
Hold the phone just a minute.
I said $10 for an introduction.
To shake his hand
$50, its $10 a finger
and you've got to
take the whole hand.
None of those 2
finger handshakes.
Oh have a heart Bilko; he is
my idol of the silver screen.
For my $10 maybe I
could jostle him a little bit.
No jostling. He is
a very busy man.
If you can't buy the whole
deal, bye now out, out.
Sarge, Sarge, the
Western Union boy
just delivered this
telegram for you?
- Telegram?
- Yes from Hollywood,
maybe it's from Bing. From Bing?
Hey maybe I can
touch the envelop for $5.
- Go, go away.
- What is it?
Please, please.
You fellows, act like,
this is personal with me.
- And?
- What is it Sarge?
Oh that Bing his is a scream.
He wants permission to
bring his brother with him.
All right boys we've got
to get a lot of the way,
lock the window,
close the office.
- Lock the window.
- Lock the window.
All right boys,
that's it for today,
we've got a busy
day, on your way.
- I want more tickets.
- Sale is over, out, out.
- Here is a pipe out, out, out.
- Out, out.
- Bilko?
- Out.
Maybe my wife
could do his laundry.
Later out, maybe later,
we've got a lot of work to do.
We did it Sarge, $560.
$560.
Sarge, this is biggest deal yet.
Biggest deal yeah.
Sarge, Sarge, what's the matter?
Just a little detail is wrong.
- He is not coming.
- He is not coming?
"Retakes on picture
necessitates cancelling motor trip.
Must fly to New York. Regret
I cannot be with you, Bing."
- It's terrible.
- What are we going to do?
- What are we going to do?
- What is this panic?
Things happen we
face the emergency,
what do you mean, what are we...
- What are we going to do?
What are we going to... I don't
know what you're gonna do?'
- I'm going to kill myself.
- Sarge, Sarge, take it easy.
What do we do? What?
Sarge, they're going to
want the money refunded.
$560, it's not the
principle, it's the money.
Sarge, he just ain't coming.
He's got to come.
I got to get that $200
back into in welfare fund.
Well then Sarge what
are we going to do?
He's got to come. Take a wire
All right Sergeant.
Make instructions on the
wire that Western Union boys
to deliver it on his
hands and knees.
Say dear Bing, 1000
souls are waiting
and the life of one
soldier is at stake
you must come Bing, you must.
- Anything come in yet?
- Not a thing.
But look I sent 3
telegrams, there must...
Sarge it's, it's midnight I'm
sorry I have to close up now.
But there must be the
answer to the 3 telegrams.
One telegram must have come in.
- I'm checking out Ms. Rawlings.
Okay Chester.
Look fellows I'm sorry,
I've just got to close up.
Miss, please I implore you
it's a matter of life and death,
just one more telegram please.
Well all right if
you hurry it up.
Thank you, we've
got make this one to...
Dear Bing, a
gallant soldier's life is
you send singing
telegrams don't you?
- Yes we do.
- Make this a crying telegram.
Dear Bing, a gallant
soldier's life is at stake.
No, that's does it.
If you don't come, not only
will I give... where is she going?
I'm sorry I have to go home
lock up for me, will you Chester.
- Sure.
- Just, just, just one telegram.
Send a telegram for me.
Oh I'm sorry Sir,
I'm not allowed to.
Just, just one more
and it will take a minute.
- One telegram.
- Who is it to?
Bing Crosby
Hollywood California.
I've got to make this
one real powerful...
Excuse me Sir, what
was that name again?
Bing, Bing Crosby. If I
can make it real powerful.
Bing Crosby that
is his first name.
Ain’t got enough trouble,
I've got to run into
the local joker here.
I'm sorry Sir, but I
have never heard of him.
You're kidding?
Leading celebrity in
the world, you think,
you've seen him a
1,000 times in the movies
and on television
and everything.
I, I'm sorry,
what's he look like?
What does he look like?
He looks like you,
what does he look like?
He got those kind of ears,
got the same shaped eyes.
He wears the kind of
hat that you would wear.
He is ah. He, lock the door.
Sarge? But Sarge.
Don't you see this is
a break from heaven,
he looks like
him, he is a ringer.
Sarge you will never
get away with it.
What are you talking about,
they've never seen Bing in person.
This is a cinch.
You're going to put him
on the stage to say that,
that is Bing Crosby - Take
a look at him, look at him!
Is he a ringer or
not, am I nuts?
Oh but Sarge what
are you talking about.
Will you, will you
let me han... son,
will you come here
a minute please.
- Me?
- Can we see you just for a minute,
it will only take a
sec, come here.
But Sir, I'm tele...
- You know what you're here for?
- No Sir.
- You're going to make a $100?
- A $100, for doing what?
- Does it make any difference?
- Does it make any difference, no?
Good boy, all you have
to do is entertain a little.
Oh just that.
I have done quite a
good deal of entertaining.
We're home, he entertains,
where did you entertain?
- At our church socials.
- And it's clean too.
I was worried the way he
accepted that $100 so fast.
Very good, now what do
you do when you entertain.
The Wreck Of The Hesperus
by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
It was the schooner Hesperus
that sailed the winter sea.
All right. Never mind.
And the skipper had
taken his little daughter
to bear him company.
All right, all right
hold on, quiet!
We gotta do a lot of work here.
I gotta work on him real good.
Get me some sport
shirts, very loud.
Hawaiian shirt, a
pipe, pork pie hat.
We will work on him really good.
Let me handle
this, now just relax.
- Now you must dance a little?
- No I don't.
- Do you sing?
- No.
What do you do?
It was the schooner Hesperus
that sailed the winter sea.
No, no, not now.
Yeah the first routine
will be a motorcycle,
cavalcades in the
administration building.
The first one you
meet is the Colonel.
Now what is your name?
- Chester Roberman.
- What's your name?
- My name is Bing Crosby.
- Attaboy, think that and feel it.
Bing Crosby. Now
you meet the Colonel.
What do you say to the
Colonel when you meet him?
Hello Colonel.
No, no, no good you've
got to talk like Bing.
Say hi, Colonel. Oh hey Colonel.
Very low. Hey
Colonel, hey Colonel.
That's really good, but I
don't want to understand you.
If I understand
you, you're no good.
I don't want to understand you.
Very casual. Get casual.
- Very, that's it.
- You're very gentle kind of guy.
- Very good, very good.
- Now I'm going to do a few things.
Now, hold it, very good,
what do you do next?
I've got to do the
Wreck of the Hesperus.
No, no.
Now as I told you one
of his biggest records
was Beautiful Dreamer.
- Let me hear you do it.
- Beautiful dre...
- No what are you doing, Dennis Day?
- Crosby, beautiful dreamer
- But I don't know the words.
Neither does he, why do
you think he goes b-b-b-baaah
Let me hear it.
Beautiful dreamer.
- Beautiful dreamer.
- No you got to get it low.
Beautiful, hey wake up show him.
Beautiful dreamer, blah blah.
- You hear that, let me hear it.
Beautiful dreamer, blah blah.
No, not it's too
big on blah blah.
- Here, here do it again.
- Beautiful dreamer, bah bah.
Get that, blah bah.
Beautiful dream...
Beautiful dreamer, bah bah.
Beautiful dreamer, bah
bah, now get it really casual.
Bah bah beautiful, bah bah.
Bah bah, bah
Sing like you've got
a pipe in your mouth.
You know like
there's a pipe bah bah.
Give me your handkerchief.
Open your mouth
wide, wide, now sing.
Beautiful dreamer.
That's good; I can't
hear him now very good.
I'm sorry I can't
go through this.
- I've got to go.
- Wait a minute you made a deal.
You're going to get
a $100, now this,
this you just listen to me.
- I'm not worried, what do you.
You mustn't leave
him for a minute
for 24 hours, you understand.
Constant guard duty with
them till he gets into the rec hall.
We're going put
this on. You, you?
Beautiful dreamer.
No, no, stay with him,
watch him for 24 hours.
Now we take it from beginning.
Friends we have to
sell these programs
before the show can start.
- Merchants have taken ads here.
- We want Bing, we want Bing.
All right, all right. I
acquiesce yes to your demand.
All right Doberman I'm
sorry how many programs
do you have left?
- 500.
- So what you'll take a little loss.
- But Sarge.
All right friends, the
show is just about to go on
and may I remind you,
this is just the beginning
of many high class social events
that will take place
here from week to week.
Next week my Robert
Falton's birthday ball.
Come on, we want
Bing. We want Bing.
All right I can understand
your enthusiasm.
In just a few moments
the show will be on.
Heeeyeee.
Where is Chester?
Are we going to get
away with it Sarge.
Oh they are so excited they
will never know the difference.
- Where is Chester?
- With Rocco.
- Good boy.
- Roc.
- Sarge, Sarge I'm worried.
- Don't worry, where is Chester.
- With Henshaw.
- Good boy, now look
Attention
- Where is Chester?
- He is with him.
He ain't with me I
don't know where he is.
Jerks I told you to stay with
him every minute, find him.
Look in the dressing room.
Go to his house if you have to.
Look in the Western
Union, go on,
I will try stall the audience.
We want Bing. We want Bing.
Hey Sarge, do I give him the
flowers before he sings or after.
Bless you, bless you
because I need you.
Yeah.
I need someone to open the
show, to stall them till Bing is ready.
I'll get somebody.
Now wait a minute, you
used to dance, didn't you?
- Yeah I did.
- Bing is dying to see you dance.
- Bing is here?
- Come with me.
Thank you very much.
I know how excited you
are and in one moment
Der Bingle will
be on this stage.
But like the great star he is,
you know they
got it right in here.
What do you think,
I'll tell 'em Bing.
What do you think he said to
me, like he would like to see
some of own local talents,
you never know who you will
discover, you know how he is.
So I persuaded one of our
own boys, a trooper to the end.
Corporal, Sam Fender is
going to do a little dance.
Isn't that sweet.
I know I'm imposing on
you but Bing in the wings.
He is going to do a
little dance for Bing.
Dance!
Sarge, Sarge, I'm
at Chester house,
his mother says she
ain't seen him all day.
- What did Chester do?
- Nothing lady, nothing.
Sarge I looked through the
basement, he had a call over.
- I don't know where he is.
- Chester is a good boy.
Yes, ma’am. What should I do?
Find him, find him.
Oh about that his attitude,
now hold that hand a minute.
I have something to say.
I've got news for you buddy.
You never thought, Bing loved you.
- Yes Bing.
And why do you think he
said, liked a great show that it is,
he wants another chorus.
Dance!
Hallo Sarge, I'm at the movies,
I went through every
seat he's not here.
Did you look at
the drive in movies?
Rocco covered that
he went to every car,
he's been slapped silly.
I'm going to try the cemetery.
He's got to be somewhere.
Now listen find him, find
him, Fender is starting to fade.
Isn't it true where they talk
about the grand old days?
Doc Steader would
have proud of this boy.
I will tell him, I will
tell him Davey yes.
What do you think Bing happened?
He got a long distance call from
Hollywood, he is on the phone,
spraying his throat down,
and do you know what he
personally asked me to do?
He says would you
do another chorus.
Dance!
Sarge we're at the Western
Union office, we can't find him.
Well what do you want us to do?
- We can't find him.
- Excuse me.
- Sarge we found, we found him.
- Where have you been?
- I've changed my mind?
You changed your mind.
Yes, it's dishonest and
deceitful and I'm not going to do it.
I'm checking in Ms. Rawlings.
- He's checking out.
- Check out.
Did you ever, did
you ever? Great.
I want to tell you I'm proud
to say, Fender a trooper.
A trooper that's what
this is, I will tell him,
Bing, another chorus, dance.
All right he is here. Okay stop!
The moment you've all
been waiting for is now.
Get out
I promise you he is here Bing
Crosby and his honor guard.
- Let's hear it.
- Yeeeey.
Thank you, when I promised
something to my friends told you.
Good old Bing, it's good to,
how about a few little notes,
Bing bah ba, ba beee.
Ah look at him
casual. Is he casual?
I can't, what is that Bing,
no it's all right just
that you're enough.
And so folks goodnight, when
you drive home drive carefully,
the life you save...
- Wait a minute, we've paid tickets.
Just a minute, I
will not stand for
any rebel rousing in this hall.
- We want our money back.
We want our money back.
We want our money back.
I want one person, show me
one person in this order of time
with courage enough to see.
- Hold it, just a minute here.
Get that man out.
He is an imposter.
He is an imposter.
Off, off I want no
amateurs. Yeeeey!
Hold that, you're not going to
force any local favorites on me.
This is a stage for
professional people.
When Bing came
here, this, imp, this.
You're Bing Crosby?
I'm not too sure
myself right now.
It's Bing, it's Bing Crosby.
Yeeey!
When I promise you, when
I promise you something,
Bing you came, you came.
Well Bilko when I
make a promise I deliver.
Are they big in
here like I told you?
Are they big, I'm sorry about
this imposter, I was duped?
He came to me with credentials.
He had a racing form,
he's got 4 kids at home
must be a powerful thing.
Out, out, okay you will
be paid your reward.
Bing you're here and
they're waiting for you, Bing.
The orchestra knows
anything you want
From Sweet Leilani
way back to the old ones.
Well Bilko I thought I
would like to do something.
This is rather momentous
occasions, something special.
- What's the matter?
- No, it's just in here.
In here they get you with their
big, something special for us.
- How about that?
- Yeeey!
Well I just thought
something a little outstanding.
Outstanding the orchestra
knows anything you want,
Bing, they will fake anything.
No I won't require,
this is a little different.
- Bing the stage is yours.
- Thank you Bilko.
It was the schooner
Hesperus sailed the winter sea,
the skipper he
stood beside the helm
and his pipe was in
his mouth, what is the?
Fender, get those shoes back on.
Go right ahead, go right ahead.
He watched and watched the...
Well there will be no
refunds, no refunds.
- All I've got - Oh
Bing it's lovely.
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were
Elizabeth Fraser as Sgt. Hogan.
Hope Sansberry as Mrs. Hall
and John Dorrin as the
Western Union Messenger.
Ta ra!
Hear ye, hear ye, in
anticipation of you selling
the most tickets for our
Mardi Gras this Saturday night,
we have selected you our queen
of the very same Mardi Gras.
Ernie nobody is interested.
What are you talking
about? The crown just fits you.
But it should I've
worn it often enough.
I've Been Mess Kit,
Miss Three Day Pass,
Miss Guided Missile,
Miss Weather Balloon.
Oh you're just
on a lucky streak.
Well I was silly enough to think
that some of those promises
of a gay, mad evening were true.
What about my Mother's day
dance that everybody is talking about?
- Everybody had fun.
- Huh such fun.
We all had to dance
with our mothers.
Come on, look Joanie,
just get a few tickets.
Everybody will follow you.
No, I'm tired of
being a lead dog
to every phony
dance that you put on.
But honey I'm
offering you a crown.
Well give it to Grace Kelly.
Now look that's
not the way to act.
- I...
- See you at dinner darling.
- Stop.
- Oh Sgt. Bilko, it's you.
You did it again.
- What did I do?
- You dropped in.
A pebble of beauty
in the sea of drabness.
Oh Sgt. Bilko, I'm just a
plain old Colonel's wife.
Plain, my dear calling you plain
is like calling Marilyn
Monroe raw-boned.
- You're something.
- Did the costumes arrive?
- What costumes?
- What costumes?
Didn't anybody tell, well
never mind I ordered it.
Lovely hoop skirt,
and long blonde curls.
Hoops?
Yes it's for my
affair Saturday night.
It's the "Hallo Young
Lovers Dance."
The festival that I honor
Dolly and James Madison.
Oh it will be lovely.
You in the hoop skirts whirling
around leading the minuet
and the Colonel in his Periwig
and satin knee breeches, oh.
Here you are dear,
here are 10 tickets.
Don't pay me now, pay
me whenever you want.
See your husband. I'm
sure he will be delighted.
I'll see my husband.
Well, well the dance
is on now, all the gaiety,
buy your tickets
girls, think of it.
The mad, mad minuet hah.
Madam du Barry, well
ah, Marie Antoinette.
- Ah Col. Hall.
- At ease Bilko.
Thank you Sir.
Bilko my wife tells me I
owe you money for tickets.
Oh Sir there's a
mistake, those tickets
should have been
marked complimentary Sir.
- I will fix that Sir.
- Take them back.
But Sir they are your
tickets, please Sir
you ought to be James
and Dolly Madison.
- Take them back.
- Really John, Sgt. Bilko
is giving them to us for nothing.
- Yes.
Nothing it's another Bilko
gimmick to sell tickets.
To sell tickets.
They'll come by the bus loads
to see me doing the
minuet in white curls.
Sir, it never
crossed my mind Sir.
Well something's
crossed my mind.
I've had enough of these
complaints about your phony affairs.
But Sir, I'm just
trying to bring in
a festive mode
into drab life here.
Bilko as of now, I take back
permission to use the rec hall.
The rec hall Sir
is the foundation
of my entertainment
plan for the men.
Bilko let the Army take
care of the entertainment.
Is Velma Banky and
all her soldier revue
coming through again Sir.
Bilko no more dances,
no more tickets, that's final.
Yes Sir.
- Really? Really John now?
- No!
Oh.
It's too bad and you would
look so lovely doing the minuet.
- Oh wait, wait.
- John?
No.
The Colonel won't let
you use the rec hall?
That brings the Bilko social
season to a grinding halt.
Why? Why do these
things happen to me when
I'm so desperate for money?
Sarge if you're
really desperate,
there's $200 in the
Platoon Welfare Fund.
Sure just explain to the
platoon that you need the money.
Well first I will
explain to the platoon
that I already took the money.
- You took the money.
This proposition came
along, the horse is 50 to 1.
If he'd won, I'd have bought
the boys a swimming pool.
I got get the tickets.
I got to get that money
back into the welfare fund
Sarge, Sarge you gotta give
them something for their money.
What, what?
You've got to have an attraction,
big time entertainment stars.
Stars, you forget we're
in the middle of Kansas.
Who comes here?
Japanese Beetles, and
dust from Oklahoma.
Hey Sarge, how come other camps
get movie stars
to entertain them?
How come? I will tell
you why how come.
Because all the big camps
are either in New York
or Hollywood is
where all the stars are.
What stars are we
getting in Kansas?
If they're in Kansas
they're flying
18000 ft above going someplace.
What do you want me
to do, shoot them down?
He's right, he's right look,
Tallulah Bankhead starts
rehearsal in New York.
See that New York.
Tony Curtis in Hollywood
to start shooting new film.
Hollywood, New York.
With the shooting of his
new picture coming to an end,
Bing Crosby is
motoring from Hollywood
to New York to TV appearances.
See what I mean. It's
New York or Hollywood.
Tito Gonzalez,
leaving all Benito...
Wait a minute
was that last item?
- Tito Gonzalez?
- No, no, the other one.
Oh Bing Crosby is motoring
from Hollywood to New York.
Motoring from, that means he
is going to pass through Kansas.
- Sarge, do you think?
- I'm always thinking.
Get some posters ready.
Sgt. E. Bilko
presents Bing Crosby.
- Mr. Crosby?
- Yes.
There's a collect call from
Roseville Kansas, Fort Baxter.
Collect? Oh it must be
Gary, he's been transferred.
- It's on 7.
- Hallo?
Do I have the extreme pleasure
of speaking to
Everett Crosby Sir.
This is Sgt. Bilko,
and congratulations.
I know Bing was tremendously
thrilled with the honor,
but believe me he deserved it.
Honor? What honor?
Good heavens; hasn't it
reached the California papers yet?
I'm privileged to tell you
that the soldiers of Fort Baxter
had voted Bing Crosby the
singing discovery of the year.
Singing discovery?
Some soldiers in
Kansas have voted Bing
the singing
discovery of the year.
- That's cute.
- Thank you so much Sergeant.
Thank you and when
can we expect Mr. Crosby,
what is the exact
day he will be here
to accept the award in person.
- In person?
Yes we understand
he's motoring east,
he will have to come
through Topeka, Kansas.
Fort Baxter is only 35
miles out of the way.
Oh Sergeant I' m so
sorry he is making this trip
strictly for a rest.
Can make no
personal appearances.
Is there anything
else we can do?
Yes Sir, can we have
a picture of Mr. Crosby.
Of course, they
want a picture of Bing.
That's cute.
Of course Sergeant
we will send you one.
And Sir may we have that
picture life sized please?
Life size.
Yes you see we're
all going overseas
and we'd like to see
that picture on the dock
as our boat pulls away
from the native shores
of the land we love so much,
taking us thousands of miles
away to defend the country we love.
The last thing that we will
see is the picture of our idol,
who wouldn't go 35 miles out
of his way to say goodbye to us.
Now when can we
expect the pictures Sir?
Now wait a minute
Sergeant, just a minute.
Will you make
that picture in color
so it will burn into
in our memories.
Well goodbye Sir, and
thank you very much.
Now don't, don't, don't
hang up Sergeant wait.
- Now get, get me Bing, get me Bing.
- Well?
I think it was a direct hit.
When I did the bit about going
away from the native shore
I heard heavy breathing.
Look Bing it's just 35 miles
out of the way, it's a breeze.
Imagine your picture on that
dock as that boat pulls away.
They're probably going
to use it for target practice.
This is a must Bing.
You, you got to do it.
Oh good, good Bing.
Huh, he is going to do it.
That's cute.
- Hallo Sergeant?
- Yes Mr. Crosby?
He will be here, Saturday,
thank you so very much.
- He is coming.
- Yeeeh!
Yeah Sarge.
Get some posters printed. Sgt.
E. Bilko presents Bing Crosby.
Gee Sarge, that was
wonderful of Bing.
Like I told you, the bigger
they are they got it in here.
Say we got to do
something nice for Bing.
Tell you what, you know
in the posters you make,
make his name as big
as mine. Bing will like that.
- How are you ladies in khaki?
- Hi!
- What is it now Ernie?
- Just the duty roster.
Oh fine.
Oh Joan, would you make
out visitor's pass for me please.
Yeah this friend is coming to
stay with me for a day or so,
I guess he will be
comfortable here.
Visitor's name?
Oh it's right here
on this telegram.
Here it says we
will arrive Friday,
that's his name right there.
- Bing Crosby.
I guess I will have one of
the boys put him in a Carty,
he should be comfortable there.
Take this to the
Colonel, have it signed.
Thank you very much.
- Bing Crosby!
- Ernie, please let me see him.
Please. Quiet. Quiet! Quiet.
- What is going on here?
- What's going on here?
- Girls get back to work.
- Get back to your work.
Bilko? Bilko? What
are you doing here?
Bilko you should...
oh excuse me Sir.
Bilko, if you're trying to
promote one of your phony affairs.
But Sir, how can I
when the recreation hall
is closed to me Sir.
- Good now get back to work.
- Yes, oh excuse me Sir.
Would you sign this
visitor's pass please Sir.
Oh hurry up what is it?
Permission granted for a visitor
Bing Crosby Friday the 12th.
Well there you are.
Now get back to work.
Thank you very much Sir.
Quiet, stand back you
want to be trampled.
Bing Crosby! Bing
Crosby! Where is he?
Whe…Bilko, Bing Crosby is
coming here to Fort Baxter.
But Sir you just
gave me permission.
Please Sir I know you're
an Elvis Presley fan,
Bing's got as much right
to be here as anybody else.
- Quiet!
- Sir I promise you
I will keep him out of the way,
he won't bother anybody Sir.
- Never mind.
- Sir if he starts to sing
I will lock the
window, believe me.
You, you will lock the
window, if Bing sings
we're all going to hear
him in the recreation hall.
The recreation hall, but
Sir you said I couldn't do it.
I said, when do you ever
take anything I say seriously?
- Sir your word is law to me Sir.
- Oh never mind.
Oh, I will tell
Bing not to come.
Oh, oh Bilko, why can't you
just make a show out of it all,
you know you're
very good at that.
- You're wonderful.
- Thank you very much Sir.
I never thought of it that
way, but Sir, I will need time.
I have to print
publicity and tickets
and all the arrangements
of the rec hall Sir.
Well, see how fast
you can get it done.
Yes Sir.
Bing sings at Baxter, at
the recreation hall, $2 ticket.
This is as fast as
I could do it Sir.
Take here I like Bing Button,
big smile with an
I like Bing button.
All right keep that
line moving please.
Eh 2 tickets for the
Bing Crosby show.
2 tickets for the Bing
Crosby show, thank you,
2 tickets for my Robert
Fulton's birthday ball.
2 tickets or the Hats
off to the UN dance.
- That will be $12.
- $12?
Yes it's a subscription plan.
But I don't want
these other tickets.
- Next!
- I'll take it, I'll take it.
Alrighty, all right
who is next Sir?
Have you got anything
in the first row?
- Henshaw I need...
- 4 Sarge.
We have 4 on first, oh yes I
must tell you these are lap seats.
Lap seats.
All the seats in the
first row you're going
to have to sit on
somebody's lap.
- I don't want my girlfriend.
- Next!
- No I'll take 'em, I'll take 'em.
- All right here you are Sir.
Soldier, don't wear anything
sharp in your hip pocket will you?
- I'm all sold out.
- Hey Sarge, Doberman is here.
All right, reload him and check
him out, take care of the sale.
- Sarge my feet.
- How did you do?
- $14.80.
- All right check him out.
He went out with 16 Bing
Crosby porkpie hats at $1 apiece.
- Checks.
- 10 Bing Crosby pipes 50 cents.
That checks.
One dozen welcome Bing
balloons 10 cents each.
Wait a second
you're 20 cents short?
I broke 2 of the balloons.
- It will come out of your commissions.
- Load him up again.
- Sarge!
- What?
Is it all right if I put 10
WACs in one section?
Okay but they will have to
sign the non-squealing oath.
- Sarge?
- What is it Papparelli?
Sarge, give me
something else to sell
these "I like Bing"
buttons aren't moving.
They should be move,
what is the matter with you?
At least paint them over,
you can still see
where it says "Ike."
All right Rocco, give me those
autograph pictures of the Bing.
The authentic
Autograph pictures.
Sell them at $1 a piece,
watch it the ink is still wet.
- On the double move it.
- I go it, I got it.
Here is the money.
Here is the $20.
Now do I get to do it.
I gave you my word
of honor didn't I?
- Gee thanks.
- Rocco, $20 from Grover.
All right, now the deal is
when Bing pulls up in his car...
- You get to carry his golf clubs.
- I will never forget you.
All right son. Keep moving.
I've got to meet Bing,
Bing, I've got to meet Bing.
- Now put me down for $10.
- $10 for what?
For what you said, I, I get
to shake Bing Crosby's hand.
Hold the phone just a minute.
I said $10 for an introduction.
To shake his hand
$50, its $10 a finger
and you've got to
take the whole hand.
None of those 2
finger handshakes.
Oh have a heart Bilko; he is
my idol of the silver screen.
For my $10 maybe I
could jostle him a little bit.
No jostling. He is
a very busy man.
If you can't buy the whole
deal, bye now out, out.
Sarge, Sarge, the
Western Union boy
just delivered this
telegram for you?
- Telegram?
- Yes from Hollywood,
maybe it's from Bing. From Bing?
Hey maybe I can
touch the envelop for $5.
- Go, go away.
- What is it?
Please, please.
You fellows, act like,
this is personal with me.
- And?
- What is it Sarge?
Oh that Bing his is a scream.
He wants permission to
bring his brother with him.
All right boys we've got
to get a lot of the way,
lock the window,
close the office.
- Lock the window.
- Lock the window.
All right boys,
that's it for today,
we've got a busy
day, on your way.
- I want more tickets.
- Sale is over, out, out.
- Here is a pipe out, out, out.
- Out, out.
- Bilko?
- Out.
Maybe my wife
could do his laundry.
Later out, maybe later,
we've got a lot of work to do.
We did it Sarge, $560.
$560.
Sarge, this is biggest deal yet.
Biggest deal yeah.
Sarge, Sarge, what's the matter?
Just a little detail is wrong.
- He is not coming.
- He is not coming?
"Retakes on picture
necessitates cancelling motor trip.
Must fly to New York. Regret
I cannot be with you, Bing."
- It's terrible.
- What are we going to do?
- What are we going to do?
- What is this panic?
Things happen we
face the emergency,
what do you mean, what are we...
- What are we going to do?
What are we going to... I don't
know what you're gonna do?'
- I'm going to kill myself.
- Sarge, Sarge, take it easy.
What do we do? What?
Sarge, they're going to
want the money refunded.
$560, it's not the
principle, it's the money.
Sarge, he just ain't coming.
He's got to come.
I got to get that $200
back into in welfare fund.
Well then Sarge what
are we going to do?
He's got to come. Take a wire
All right Sergeant.
Make instructions on the
wire that Western Union boys
to deliver it on his
hands and knees.
Say dear Bing, 1000
souls are waiting
and the life of one
soldier is at stake
you must come Bing, you must.
- Anything come in yet?
- Not a thing.
But look I sent 3
telegrams, there must...
Sarge it's, it's midnight I'm
sorry I have to close up now.
But there must be the
answer to the 3 telegrams.
One telegram must have come in.
- I'm checking out Ms. Rawlings.
Okay Chester.
Look fellows I'm sorry,
I've just got to close up.
Miss, please I implore you
it's a matter of life and death,
just one more telegram please.
Well all right if
you hurry it up.
Thank you, we've
got make this one to...
Dear Bing, a
gallant soldier's life is
you send singing
telegrams don't you?
- Yes we do.
- Make this a crying telegram.
Dear Bing, a gallant
soldier's life is at stake.
No, that's does it.
If you don't come, not only
will I give... where is she going?
I'm sorry I have to go home
lock up for me, will you Chester.
- Sure.
- Just, just, just one telegram.
Send a telegram for me.
Oh I'm sorry Sir,
I'm not allowed to.
Just, just one more
and it will take a minute.
- One telegram.
- Who is it to?
Bing Crosby
Hollywood California.
I've got to make this
one real powerful...
Excuse me Sir, what
was that name again?
Bing, Bing Crosby. If I
can make it real powerful.
Bing Crosby that
is his first name.
Ain’t got enough trouble,
I've got to run into
the local joker here.
I'm sorry Sir, but I
have never heard of him.
You're kidding?
Leading celebrity in
the world, you think,
you've seen him a
1,000 times in the movies
and on television
and everything.
I, I'm sorry,
what's he look like?
What does he look like?
He looks like you,
what does he look like?
He got those kind of ears,
got the same shaped eyes.
He wears the kind of
hat that you would wear.
He is ah. He, lock the door.
Sarge? But Sarge.
Don't you see this is
a break from heaven,
he looks like
him, he is a ringer.
Sarge you will never
get away with it.
What are you talking about,
they've never seen Bing in person.
This is a cinch.
You're going to put him
on the stage to say that,
that is Bing Crosby - Take
a look at him, look at him!
Is he a ringer or
not, am I nuts?
Oh but Sarge what
are you talking about.
Will you, will you
let me han... son,
will you come here
a minute please.
- Me?
- Can we see you just for a minute,
it will only take a
sec, come here.
But Sir, I'm tele...
- You know what you're here for?
- No Sir.
- You're going to make a $100?
- A $100, for doing what?
- Does it make any difference?
- Does it make any difference, no?
Good boy, all you have
to do is entertain a little.
Oh just that.
I have done quite a
good deal of entertaining.
We're home, he entertains,
where did you entertain?
- At our church socials.
- And it's clean too.
I was worried the way he
accepted that $100 so fast.
Very good, now what do
you do when you entertain.
The Wreck Of The Hesperus
by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
It was the schooner Hesperus
that sailed the winter sea.
All right. Never mind.
And the skipper had
taken his little daughter
to bear him company.
All right, all right
hold on, quiet!
We gotta do a lot of work here.
I gotta work on him real good.
Get me some sport
shirts, very loud.
Hawaiian shirt, a
pipe, pork pie hat.
We will work on him really good.
Let me handle
this, now just relax.
- Now you must dance a little?
- No I don't.
- Do you sing?
- No.
What do you do?
It was the schooner Hesperus
that sailed the winter sea.
No, no, not now.
Yeah the first routine
will be a motorcycle,
cavalcades in the
administration building.
The first one you
meet is the Colonel.
Now what is your name?
- Chester Roberman.
- What's your name?
- My name is Bing Crosby.
- Attaboy, think that and feel it.
Bing Crosby. Now
you meet the Colonel.
What do you say to the
Colonel when you meet him?
Hello Colonel.
No, no, no good you've
got to talk like Bing.
Say hi, Colonel. Oh hey Colonel.
Very low. Hey
Colonel, hey Colonel.
That's really good, but I
don't want to understand you.
If I understand
you, you're no good.
I don't want to understand you.
Very casual. Get casual.
- Very, that's it.
- You're very gentle kind of guy.
- Very good, very good.
- Now I'm going to do a few things.
Now, hold it, very good,
what do you do next?
I've got to do the
Wreck of the Hesperus.
No, no.
Now as I told you one
of his biggest records
was Beautiful Dreamer.
- Let me hear you do it.
- Beautiful dre...
- No what are you doing, Dennis Day?
- Crosby, beautiful dreamer
- But I don't know the words.
Neither does he, why do
you think he goes b-b-b-baaah
Let me hear it.
Beautiful dreamer.
- Beautiful dreamer.
- No you got to get it low.
Beautiful, hey wake up show him.
Beautiful dreamer, blah blah.
- You hear that, let me hear it.
Beautiful dreamer, blah blah.
No, not it's too
big on blah blah.
- Here, here do it again.
- Beautiful dreamer, bah bah.
Get that, blah bah.
Beautiful dream...
Beautiful dreamer, bah bah.
Beautiful dreamer, bah
bah, now get it really casual.
Bah bah beautiful, bah bah.
Bah bah, bah
Sing like you've got
a pipe in your mouth.
You know like
there's a pipe bah bah.
Give me your handkerchief.
Open your mouth
wide, wide, now sing.
Beautiful dreamer.
That's good; I can't
hear him now very good.
I'm sorry I can't
go through this.
- I've got to go.
- Wait a minute you made a deal.
You're going to get
a $100, now this,
this you just listen to me.
- I'm not worried, what do you.
You mustn't leave
him for a minute
for 24 hours, you understand.
Constant guard duty with
them till he gets into the rec hall.
We're going put
this on. You, you?
Beautiful dreamer.
No, no, stay with him,
watch him for 24 hours.
Now we take it from beginning.
Friends we have to
sell these programs
before the show can start.
- Merchants have taken ads here.
- We want Bing, we want Bing.
All right, all right. I
acquiesce yes to your demand.
All right Doberman I'm
sorry how many programs
do you have left?
- 500.
- So what you'll take a little loss.
- But Sarge.
All right friends, the
show is just about to go on
and may I remind you,
this is just the beginning
of many high class social events
that will take place
here from week to week.
Next week my Robert
Falton's birthday ball.
Come on, we want
Bing. We want Bing.
All right I can understand
your enthusiasm.
In just a few moments
the show will be on.
Heeeyeee.
Where is Chester?
Are we going to get
away with it Sarge.
Oh they are so excited they
will never know the difference.
- Where is Chester?
- With Rocco.
- Good boy.
- Roc.
- Sarge, Sarge I'm worried.
- Don't worry, where is Chester.
- With Henshaw.
- Good boy, now look
Attention
- Where is Chester?
- He is with him.
He ain't with me I
don't know where he is.
Jerks I told you to stay with
him every minute, find him.
Look in the dressing room.
Go to his house if you have to.
Look in the Western
Union, go on,
I will try stall the audience.
We want Bing. We want Bing.
Hey Sarge, do I give him the
flowers before he sings or after.
Bless you, bless you
because I need you.
Yeah.
I need someone to open the
show, to stall them till Bing is ready.
I'll get somebody.
Now wait a minute, you
used to dance, didn't you?
- Yeah I did.
- Bing is dying to see you dance.
- Bing is here?
- Come with me.
Thank you very much.
I know how excited you
are and in one moment
Der Bingle will
be on this stage.
But like the great star he is,
you know they
got it right in here.
What do you think,
I'll tell 'em Bing.
What do you think he said to
me, like he would like to see
some of own local talents,
you never know who you will
discover, you know how he is.
So I persuaded one of our
own boys, a trooper to the end.
Corporal, Sam Fender is
going to do a little dance.
Isn't that sweet.
I know I'm imposing on
you but Bing in the wings.
He is going to do a
little dance for Bing.
Dance!
Sarge, Sarge, I'm
at Chester house,
his mother says she
ain't seen him all day.
- What did Chester do?
- Nothing lady, nothing.
Sarge I looked through the
basement, he had a call over.
- I don't know where he is.
- Chester is a good boy.
Yes, ma’am. What should I do?
Find him, find him.
Oh about that his attitude,
now hold that hand a minute.
I have something to say.
I've got news for you buddy.
You never thought, Bing loved you.
- Yes Bing.
And why do you think he
said, liked a great show that it is,
he wants another chorus.
Dance!
Hallo Sarge, I'm at the movies,
I went through every
seat he's not here.
Did you look at
the drive in movies?
Rocco covered that
he went to every car,
he's been slapped silly.
I'm going to try the cemetery.
He's got to be somewhere.
Now listen find him, find
him, Fender is starting to fade.
Isn't it true where they talk
about the grand old days?
Doc Steader would
have proud of this boy.
I will tell him, I will
tell him Davey yes.
What do you think Bing happened?
He got a long distance call from
Hollywood, he is on the phone,
spraying his throat down,
and do you know what he
personally asked me to do?
He says would you
do another chorus.
Dance!
Sarge we're at the Western
Union office, we can't find him.
Well what do you want us to do?
- We can't find him.
- Excuse me.
- Sarge we found, we found him.
- Where have you been?
- I've changed my mind?
You changed your mind.
Yes, it's dishonest and
deceitful and I'm not going to do it.
I'm checking in Ms. Rawlings.
- He's checking out.
- Check out.
Did you ever, did
you ever? Great.
I want to tell you I'm proud
to say, Fender a trooper.
A trooper that's what
this is, I will tell him,
Bing, another chorus, dance.
All right he is here. Okay stop!
The moment you've all
been waiting for is now.
Get out
I promise you he is here Bing
Crosby and his honor guard.
- Let's hear it.
- Yeeeey.
Thank you, when I promised
something to my friends told you.
Good old Bing, it's good to,
how about a few little notes,
Bing bah ba, ba beee.
Ah look at him
casual. Is he casual?
I can't, what is that Bing,
no it's all right just
that you're enough.
And so folks goodnight, when
you drive home drive carefully,
the life you save...
- Wait a minute, we've paid tickets.
Just a minute, I
will not stand for
any rebel rousing in this hall.
- We want our money back.
We want our money back.
We want our money back.
I want one person, show me
one person in this order of time
with courage enough to see.
- Hold it, just a minute here.
Get that man out.
He is an imposter.
He is an imposter.
Off, off I want no
amateurs. Yeeeey!
Hold that, you're not going to
force any local favorites on me.
This is a stage for
professional people.
When Bing came
here, this, imp, this.
You're Bing Crosby?
I'm not too sure
myself right now.
It's Bing, it's Bing Crosby.
Yeeey!
When I promise you, when
I promise you something,
Bing you came, you came.
Well Bilko when I
make a promise I deliver.
Are they big in
here like I told you?
Are they big, I'm sorry about
this imposter, I was duped?
He came to me with credentials.
He had a racing form,
he's got 4 kids at home
must be a powerful thing.
Out, out, okay you will
be paid your reward.
Bing you're here and
they're waiting for you, Bing.
The orchestra knows
anything you want
From Sweet Leilani
way back to the old ones.
Well Bilko I thought I
would like to do something.
This is rather momentous
occasions, something special.
- What's the matter?
- No, it's just in here.
In here they get you with their
big, something special for us.
- How about that?
- Yeeey!
Well I just thought
something a little outstanding.
Outstanding the orchestra
knows anything you want,
Bing, they will fake anything.
No I won't require,
this is a little different.
- Bing the stage is yours.
- Thank you Bilko.
It was the schooner
Hesperus sailed the winter sea,
the skipper he
stood beside the helm
and his pipe was in
his mouth, what is the?
Fender, get those shoes back on.
Go right ahead, go right ahead.
He watched and watched the...
Well there will be no
refunds, no refunds.
- All I've got - Oh
Bing it's lovely.
Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were
Elizabeth Fraser as Sgt. Hogan.
Hope Sansberry as Mrs. Hall
and John Dorrin as the
Western Union Messenger.