The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 17 - Love That Guardhouse - full transcript

Ritzik wins $1,700, and Mrs. Ritzik asks Col. Hall to lock him in the guardhouse to keep him away from Bilko. Keen to get his hands on the money, Bilko tries everything to get himself locked up.

9, 3, 8 whoops!

A pair of aces. Every time.

- You can't beat him.
- Too bad boys, try it again.

- Hey, not so fast.
- What do you mean?

- What do you do?
- What do I do?

I've got you beat on the
table, I've got a pair of aces.

The best you could
do is have a pair of 8s.

Are you talking or playing?

What do you do?

I ask you what?

All right, a pair of
aces, bets a dollar.



I see you, and I
raise you a dollar.

Jerk, I got you
beat on the table.

All you could do
is, well another thing

is I've got another
ace underneath.

Well, put your money
where your mouth is.

Are you in or out?

Did you ever...?

Okay, I see you,
what have you got?

I've got a pair of 8s.

- 3 aces.
- I knew it!

Jerk!

I told you I had
3 aces, didn't I?

I thought you were bluffing.

I give up with you.



Listen, why don't you
stop playing cards?

Why don't you do something
more on your mental level

like stringing wooden
beads or jacks?

Let's go, are you in Rupe?

I'm broke.

Oh that does it boy,
the golden goose

has laid his last
egg for the evening.

Oh wait, I've got 50 bucks home.

I'll be right back.

Wait a minute, 50 bucks, isn't
that a payment for your car?

So, I'll miss a month.

You'll miss; you've been
paying off that car for 8 years.

The company has been
out of business for 5 years.

Why don't you pay off and
let them close their offices?

That's my business.

Your business,
but it's my business

when your wife comes
screaming at me,

"Why don't you stay
away from Rupert you bum!

If it wasn't for you, we'd be
financially wealthy, you bum!"

- Never mind my wife.
- Sure, leave him alone.

Look, he's a big boy,
if he wants to play,

let him get the money.

Boys, face it, he's
in for 4 more years,

we've got plenty of time with him.
- Let's call it a night.

- All right, let's get some sleep.
- Hey wait, give me a chance boys.

- Goodnight.
- See you next week Rupe.

Oh I'll get lucky.

Oh you broke up this game
very nicely, very nicely indeed.

Oh I don't know,
what's the matter, you,

you're afraid I'm
going to take you?

Take me?

Rupert if you lived
to 300 years old,

you wouldn't be able to take me.

Yeah sure.

I don't know
what it is with you.

You are absolutely the
worst gambler in the world.

But I mean not near
the worst, but the worst.

But still you insist on
gambling, that's all you live for.

I've just had a bad
streak that's all.

As soon as I start to
get lucky, I go broke.

There should be a Federal law
against playing cards with you.

The government should
protect you like it does its wildlife.

Okay, Chaplain. Are you
through with the lecture?

I've got to clean
up this kitchen.

But Rupert, I'm being, I'm really
being honest square with you.

No kidding, you
shouldn't play cards.

You haven't got a chance.

Look, you raised me
with a pair of aces.

Jerk, you've got no chance you
know nothing about gambling,

and still you insist
on torturing yourself.

If you must gamble, why
don't you take your money,

go to Las Vegas, put it
on a number of roulette,

one spin of the wheel, voo voom

and you're through for the year.

- What number?
- I give up.

Have you got a number?

Yeah, the number of
your IQ, double zero.

Goodnight, I give up with you.

Double zero, that's a number?

It's 4:00 o'clock
in the morning.

Mrs. Ritzik, it's 4:00
o'clock in the morning.

- Where is Rupert?
- Rupert?

Don't act so innocent.

I know he's in there
playing cards with you bums!

- Shh, please...
- I know he's in there,

come on out Rupert, I
can see you in the corner.

That's my gas mask; I
give you my word of honor.

We stopped playing
at midnight Mrs. Ritzik.

Sure, come on out Rupert.

You're not fooling anybody.

Mrs. Ritzik, please he's
not been here for hours.

Oh don't kid me.

He came tearing into the house
sneaking in around midnight.

He took $50 I had
hidden under my pillow

and he's rushed
out like a wild man.

Come on out Rupert, I can
see your feet under the bed.

That's my suitcase; I
give you my word of honor.

I haven't seen...
Will you be quiet?

Rupert if you don't
come out, I'll scream.

Don't scream.

If I'm going to get a rap
it's not going to be for you,

don't scream please.

Don't scream, I'll get
Sgts. Grover and Berch,

and we'll round him up.

But just don't
scream, don't scream!

- He's a Master Sergeant.
- Let him go.

Shh! Please Mrs. Ritzik.

He weighs around 200 lbs,
he's got sort of a pleasant,

stupid looking face.

Let him go, who wants the bum?

Please Mrs. Ritzik the
whole post is asleep.

I want the whole post to hear,

listen everybody
my husband left me.

- The bum's gone.
- Shh! Please, please.

Wherever you are,
Rupert Ritzik stay there.

Please. Will you keep her quiet?

We heard her all the
way down the main gate.

Did you find out anything else?

He was in his car
going out the main gate,

heading south on Highway 72.

Did you hear that everybody,

he drove away in the
car that wasn't paid for?

- It wasn't paid for but he took it.
- Mrs. Ritzik please, please,

Mrs. Ritzik please
I've got the airbase.

- I'm checking.
- Oh let him go.

Please, hello,
yes, well did you...

He did? Thank you.

Oh here this, he hitched
a ride on a bomber

that was going out to Camp
Crawford in, in Nevada.

Now what would he
want with Nevada?

Camp Crawford? Oh
that's out in Las Vegas.

- Las Vegas.
- Did you hear that everybody?

He went to Las Vegas in a car

that wasn't paid
for to Las Vegas.

Mrs. Ritzik, now listen your
husband is in a lot of trouble.

I don't care... in
a lot of trouble?

Yes, he forged a
pass, he went AWOL.

Oh no, there goes his Sergeant
stripes and his allotment.

What are we going
to do with her?

Look, will you let us
worry, we'll cover him.

Look, the Colonel won't
know he left the post.

Now you go home and don't worry.

Sure, stop worrying.

Did your husband
ever go to Las Vegas?

What am I going to do with her?

Did your husband ever hide
$50 taken from under your pillow?

Now, look will you relax.
Just go home, let us handle.

Go home and get some sleep.
Sleep, I'll never close my eyes.

Shh! Keep it, why don't you shh!

Listen, does anybody
know he's gone?

I don't know.

One of my men was
on the main gate.

Ah, tell you men he saw
nothing, you understand?

- Yes.
- We've got to cover him.

We've got to pretend
he never left the post,

do you understand?
- Right.

Now we've got to make
like we know nothing.

- Cover for him.
- Come on quiet!

- What's that?
- Officer of the guard.

- Now meanwhile make like you're fall..
- Who's there?

- Oh it's you Bilko.
- Yes Sir.

- What's going on?
- Oh it's MSgts.

Berch, Grover,
Ritzik and myself,

we're just checking
on our platoon Sir.

Oh, I'll put that in my report.

Thank you Lieutenant. Goodnight.

- Goodnight Bilko.
- Goodnight Berch.

- Goodnight Bilko.
- Goodnight Grover.

- Goodnight Bilko.
- Goodnight Ritzik.

- Goodnight Bilko.
- Goodnight Grover.

- Goodnight Ritzik.
- Goodnight Berch.

Goodnight Ritzik.

- Goodnight Lieutenant.
- Goodnight Ritzik.

Did I tell you, I haven't
seen Sgt. Ritzik today?

Are you out of your mind, he's
been around here all morning.

The Colonel has been
yelling for his morning report.

I'll take care of that.
Any sign of him?

Not yet, I made out
the morning report.

I marked him present.
Good, I'll take care of it.

Look, I hope you
know what you're doing.

Look, you go over to the
Mess Hall, prepare lunch.

- Me cook?
- You have to.

If they don't have lunch
they'll Ritzik is not here.

Look, I never did
anything like this.

Do what I tell
you, on the double.

Oh excuse me Sir, there
was something funny...

Something funny, Bilko?

Sgt. Ritzik just told
a very amusing joke.

He's on his way to
the Mess Hall Sir.

He asked me to drop
off the morning report.

Oh Ritzik, where is
he? I want to see him.

I'll see if I can get him Sir.
Ritzik, the Colonel, whoops!

There he goes
around the corner Sir.

- We missed him.
- Oh nuts I wanted to ask him

if those strawberries
came for my wife.

Well, maybe I should...

I'll get them Sir, I'll
see if I can get him.

Oh Ritzik, the Colonel
wants, whoops!

There he goes around
Mess Hall building.

Well, I'll go down the Mess Hall

and tell him you wanted him Sir.

Oh never mind, I'll be
over there to check lunch,

I'll see him then.
- You'll see him?

Of course, I always
taste everything

before the men eat it, don't I?

Isn't that a bit dangerous Sir?

Never mind.

I mean after all we don't
want to lose our fearless leader

due to some
gastronomical mistakes Sir.

Quiet! Quiet!

Tell Ritzik I'll see
him in the Mess Hall.

You'll see him at the Mess Hall.

Oh yes Sir. You'll see
him at the Mess Hall.

- Is it done Berch?
- How do I know?

I've never done this before.

Let me taste it. Taste it.

Won't do, it's good.
They know it's not Ritzik's.

You've got to
lousy it up a little.

- Watch it!
- Look, is Grover ready?

- Does he know what to do?
- Does he got the strawberries?

- He's scared to death.
- So am I... ten-shun!

At ease. Where is Ritzik?

- Oh he's inside baking Sir.
- Baking, well go and get him.

Yes Sir. MSgt. Ritzik the
Colonel is waiting for you

Sgt. Ritzik come here.

Oh good, my
strawberries, thank you.

Now wait a minute,
there's another matter,

did you arrange with that
farmer for those vegetables?

Oh yes, he did that first
thing in the morning Sir.

- Please.
- Yes Sir.

See that he doesn't
overcharge us.

Oh he watches
him like a hawk Sir.

I am talking to Sgt. Ritzik.

Of course Sir.

You know what happened
with that other farmer.

Oh yes, we've
had a chuckle about

that other farmer
many times Sir.

Are you Sgt. Ritzik or is he?

No, he is, he is Sgt. Ritzik.

- Very well.
- Yes Sir.

I did it! I did it!

- What is it?
- I did it!

How dare you come
in here with your hat on

in front of the Colonel?

You get out of here. Out!

Don't you see the Colonel
is talking to MSgt. Ritzik?

How dare you come in here

without the military protocol
of removing your hat?

- Who was that?
- That was Sgt. Grover,

Sir he's become the
sloppiest soldier in the Army.

Who's the slop?

No Sir, see how
he is, all heart.

All heart Sir.

He thinks perhaps that
you're going to chastise

one of his friends,
oh don't worry.

Oh I hear the bread rising.
You better take care of it.

- Carry on.
- Yes Sir.

Who needs you
around here anyway?

Boy it must be very dull really.

No floor show, no zsa
zsa hanging onto your arm.

- Who needs you around here?
- He's in here come on.

- Where were you?
- What are you doing to us?

You know this man
had to cook for you?

Do you know what
happened when I had to sign

your name to the morning orders?

Do you realize your part? Do
you know the trouble I can get?

Come on, get out of here.

- What's that?
- What?

- That.
- Oh this, oh just $1,750.

- $1,750?
- My boy is back!

I have to arrange a little party
for you in the barracks today.

We're all here to
welcome you home.

Oh, no you don't Bilko.
You get out of here.

Wait a while, you can't talk
like that to my benefactor.

Benefactor?

Yeah, for the first time
I did what you told me,

I went to Las
Vegas, I took my $50,

I put on double zero
and vroom! $1,750 up.

Good boy! Good, good boy!

Attaboy, I knew I could do it.

I knew it.

I'll be over to
the party tonight.

Good boy. Yeah.

Oh don't you do it. Just
stay away from them Rupert,

they're already
counting your money.

They think it's theirs.

No, no, don't worry, I know
where every penny is going.

I hope you're not going
to do anything foolish.

Oh no, I won't.

First here is $50
for the car payment.

Oh miss a payment, what
difference does it make?

And here's $200 for
some new wardrobe.

But she looks lovely,
why waste $200.

And here, this $1,500.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Well, this is the
beginning of a fortune.

Now if I can get some
suckers to play cards with me.

You're not going to gamble.

Good boy, I thought you were
going to do something foolish.

How about this party tonight?

Oh Rupert, you're out of
your mind, you're crazy.

Out of my mind eh.

Didn't I hit the
number in Las Vegas?

I tell you I can't lose anymore.

My luck has changed.

Look out pigeons,
here comes Ritzik.

Mrs. Ritzik, let me
get this straight,

you want me to
arrest your husband

and put him in the guard house?

Please Colonel
before it's too late.

Too late?

Yes, don't you see that's
the only place he'll be safe Sir.

Safe, I don't understand besides

- I can't arrest a man for no reason.
- No reason?

Why Col. Hall my
husband is a, a deserter.

A deserter?

Yes, he forged a pass last
night, he went clear to Las Vegas.

Left the post and
went to Las Vegas

and he only came
back half an hour ago.

Mrs. Ritzik, he's been
on the post all morning.

Now look, I saw him this
morning in the Mess Hall

just before lunch.

He gave me some strawberries;
I had a little chat with him.

No, no that wasn't
my husband Colonel.

I saw him with my own 2 eyes.

Then there's something
wrong with your 2 eyes

because my husband just came
back from Las Vegas with $1,750.

He's got $1,500
on him right now.

He's got $1,500.
Does Bilko know?

- Yes.
- We've got to lock him up.

Okay, you've got the chips;
you've got the cards ready?

You've got the potato chips,
Ritzik loves potato chips.

Yeah, come on
Sarge, give him a break.

The poor slob finally
got some money.

What are you talking about?

You know Ritzik; he can hardly
wait to give away that $1,500.

Why should I let him
give it away to strangers

and those other 2 vultures
are going to try to beat me to it.

Does MSgts. Berch and Grover
know about this emergency session?

They think the game
is Saturday night.

Good boy! I'll make
this clean and fair.

All right, where is
he? Where is he?

What is this? How dare you?

Where is Ritzik? Ritzik who?

- What Ritzik?
- Rupert Ritzik, the millionaire.

If you think you're
going to cut him up alone.

What are you
fellows talking about?

Yeah, I thought you
were going to wait

till Saturday night
to... jump the gun, huh?

How dare you use that tone?

You and that little private game

you've got arranged with Ritzik.

I resent that.

Do you infer that I
a Master Sergeant

in the United States Army
would play cards in the afternoon?

Of course not, but
the shades down,

cards with chips on the table.

You're not exactly
set up for surgery.

Nice going pal.

Well, I should have known I
couldn't outsmart you guys,

oh look, when he gets
here, I'll tell you what we'll do.

What's the matter?
I can't go through it.

What do you mean? It was
right there where I saw here last.

Who? Mrs. Ritzik

sobbing softly in the night,
worrying about her husband.

Yeah.

You fellows want to take
his $1,500 you go right ahead.

I can't go through it.

I won't be able to
live with myself if I did.

I never thought
of it that way Ernie.

Yeah poor guy, first time

he ever had that
much money in his life.

Would we like ourselves if
we took it away from him?

No we wouldn't fellows.

- I'd feel terrible.
- How low can guys get?

Sergeant's oath!

This is an oath, united
we stand against him,

no matter what he
says, no matter he pleads

to play cards
with us, we say no!

- No!
- Hey Bilko!

- I deal.
- Let's go!

- Here comes Ritzik!
- Sgt. Ritzik, you're under arrest.

Just a minute what is
this? Without a warrant?

Come on!

Just a minute, what, look at
your cards, you want the cards.

- Yeah, 2 cards.
- Get him away.

Wait a minute, wait a minute!

At least let us go in
the wagon with him.

- Let's go!
- What is it?

Look at your hole card.

That's my hole card.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

That's the most savage,
cruel thing I've ever seen.

They wouldn't even let
him look at his hole card.

What are we living in Russia?
- Well there goes the game.

What a bad break.

Well fellows, it's a
good break, good break.

In the guard house,
he's safe from us.

I never thought of it that way.

Yeah, forging a pass,
absent without leave and,

he's going to be
safe for a long time.

Forever fellows, forever
he'll be safe from us

because we're the only
temptations that he has to avoid.

- Yeah.
- Sergeant's oath!

United we say no matter
what he wants to do,

whatever he pleads, we
will not play cards with him

for our own mental
appeasement, is that right fellows?

- Right!
- He is safe from us.

Right!

Makes you feel
clean inside, don't it?

Yeah, me too.

For a minute we were
greedy, but we saw the light.

The best thing
that ever happened.

Let's do what the Army pays
us to do, a good days work.

- I've got a mess of work.
- Yeah me too.

See you tonight in the
dayroom fellows, so long boys.

Jeez, Ernie that was
the nicest thing I've ever...

Stop blubbering, get
my hat. On the double.

Where are you going?

All I need is 5 minutes alone
with him in the guard house.

What did I do? What did I do?

Oh just get back there
and relax Sgt. Ritzik.

Here are his papers, Sir.
- All right.

I'm MSgt. Bilko to see my friend

MSgt. Ritzik if
you don't mind Sir.

Don't stand up, I
know just where it is Sir.

Hold it Sergeant.

Oh just some hot soup
and a book for him to read.

- Sorry, no visitors.
- No visitors?

For one infraction of the rule,

is a man to rot in a cell, Sir?

He's been in there 2 minutes.

Yes, but to a man like Ritzik,
Sir 2 minutes without action,

I mean 2 minutes
cut off from the world

is like an eternity Sir.

I'm sorry; he can
only see his wife.

His wife, Sir? But it's
me he wants to see.

- Rupert I'm here.
- Is that you Bilko?

- Yes dear friend.
- Did you bring the cards?

He's very formal, Sir.
He wants calling cards.

- Sorry, you'll have to leave.
- Yes Sir.

- Here I'll bring these in.
- No, that won't be necessary.

How thoughtful of you
to bring him this book...

- Well, he likes it.
- The Poems of Elisabeth Browning.

Just some bookmarks,
Sir. That's all.

I believe the poker
chips would be in here.

Bean soup Sir.

Sergeant, no visitors
except his wife.

But Sir, it will
only take a minute

if I can hold his hand to give
him a little encouragement.

- Take a card Rupert!
- Stop him!

- Sir, just one.
- Bring him down here.

Sergeant, no visitors
except his wife, now get out!

- Yes Sir.
- We are friends of Sergeant.

No, he can only see
his wife, I'm sorry boys.

No visitors allowed,
I'll tell him you came in.

Some friends came to see you,

wasn't that nice,
take a card Rupert.

- Stop him!
- Let him take a card.

- Think of a card!
- 8 of diamonds.

You owe me $30 Rupert.

- Quiet!
- Quiet!

You better watch
your military conduct

or you'll be in there with him.

I'll be?

Oh yes, yes, the Colonel
doesn't stand for this surely,

thank you very much
for warning me Sir.

Hang on Rupert,
think of, think of a suit.

- Clubs.
- I had diamonds, you owe me $40.

Cpl. Fender, you will
consider this a, a final warning.

You know that the tie
clasp is against regulations.

You're out of uniform.

And next time, you will be
subject to severe discipline.

Col. Hall here, you
were right Lieutenant,

I don't care what Bilko does,

under no circumstances do I
want him in the guard house.

Do you understand? Good.

Now remember Fender, next
time it will be the guard house.

That will be all.

I have the morning orders.
I have the morning orders.

They are here, the you
are Sir, the morning orders.

Can you see it all right Sir

the way I wrote the
morning orders in there Sir?

Sir, oh look at me, I'm on
duty and I'm out of uniform.

Oh well, a day on the
guard house won't kill me.

Don't be silly, I think
you look rather dashing.

You do? Well, I'll
just drink to that.

Look at this, oh, heavens
I'm on duty and I'm drinking,

the MP is outside,
I'll get him Sir.

Drink, I won't tell anybody.

You won't, Sir?

I don't understand Sir.

- I do.
- You do?

Bilko, you are not getting
into that guard house.

I'm not?

Bilko this is your day, I
don't care what you do.

I don't care what
regulations you break,

you're not getting
into that guard house.

- Is that clear?
- Very clear Sir.

All right, get out of those
stupid clothes and get to work.

- Yes Sir.
- Bilko!

Oh excuse me, excuse me Sir!

It's like a wall,
didn't work. Get out.

No visitors! See who it is.

- Who is it?
- Mrs. Ritzik to see her husband.

Oh it's all right, show her in.

Yes Sir.

I'm Mrs. Ritzik, I just wondered
if I can see my husband.

Out Bilko!

Sir, if I could just
see him for one...

- Is that you honey?
- Yes, dear.

Did you, did you
bring the cards?

- Take a card baby.
- Get him out of here!

Out!

You Beast!

Free Rupert Ritzik!

Free Rupert Ritzik!

Free Rupert Ritzik!

- What's going on?
- What's going on?

You stand here smug
in your complacency

when a fellow soldier
is in the guard house

without any reason under the
foot of aggression, on no trial.

What is this, Devil's Island?

A man is being oppressed; do
you want that to happen to you?

- No.
- Free Rupert Ritzik!

Free Rupert Ritzik!
Free Rupert Ritzik!

Quiet! Bilko, what
have you done?

Oh Sir nothing at all.

This was merely a
spontaneous reaction.

This is the only way they...

I tried to stop them,
but this is the only way

they can protest the
injustice done to Sgt. Ritzik.

I said, don't do it, free...

Free Rupert Ritzik!
Free Rupert Ritzik!

- Quiet!
- What's going on here?

You keep out of
this, Oh, attention!

- Gen. Davis.
- What's going on?

Sir, there's an insurrection;
I'm the leader of the men Sir.

- No Sir, I am!
- It was me all the way Sir.

- I did it...
- Quiet! Quiet!

- Must I do all the work?
- Get the military police.

- You'll never regret this Sir.
- Send an MP wagon.

- No don't send it Sir.
- We'll go to the guard house.

- We'll run!
- We'll get there.

Run!

Sir I'm the guilty
one, believe me

these men are entirely innocent.

No we are! No Sir we
are guilty, lock us up!

Quiet! Lock them up!

Yes! Lock them up! Lock them up!

Here we go!

I'm out! I'm out!

Oh Rupert! Now you come home.

But where are the boys?
Where are the boys?

Sirs, I wish to
report a kidnapping.

There's an empty cell.

There was a man in
there a moment ago, Sir.

- Bilko!
- Rupert, we're going in!

- We're going in.
- I'm going out.

Lock him up!

Take a card! Take a card!

What are you...

Rupert now we're
free to go home.

Well, let me back in there.

Sir, you're not going to let
this man go out in the world,

this crim...
- Lock him up!

- Think of a card.
- 6 of hearts.

You owe me $100.

Sir, this man is
a... he's insane...

Pick a card, think, think
of the jack of spades.

- Jack of spades.
- You owe me $500.

All right, get going
Ritzik. Get out of here.

Just, just give me 5 minutes,
just 5 minutes with my friends.

Ritzik, there's no
charge against you.

Well, maybe I can belt her.

On come on Rupert,
don't you know

you're never
going to beat Bilko?

- On come on!
- Oh just one sock!

One sock, one
sock it won't hurt her.

And he still won't
give you the money?

It's like a disease Colonel.

He doesn't care about
anything but gambling.

Well, with Bilko behind bars,

he won't be able
to gamble anymore.

Maybe he'll finally
come to his senses.

Oh Gen. Davis, I, I
thought you had left the post

half an hour ago.
- I did.

Really Jack, must I do
all your work for you?

What do you mean?

5 miles down the road
I pick up a hitchhiker.

A hitchhiker?

One of your men without a
pass, heading for Las Vegas.

- That's Rupert.
- Where is he now?

Where he should be
in the guard house.

Oh, oh no. I hope
I'm not too late.

Free Rupert Ritzik!
- What is going on...?

I'll explain later.
Free Rupert Ritzik!

- Hurry up with Sgt. Ritzik.
- Where is Ritzik?

He's just being released now.

Ritzik, he's only been
there a few minutes,

I hope we're not too late.

I knew it! I knew it!

What happened? I
thought he was bluffing.

We are too late.

Rupert when will you learn
that you're no gambler?

Now come on home.

I knew it! I knew it!

Send for Bilko,
Grover and Berch.

Sgts. Bilko, Grover
and Berch on the double.

Oh it's our Colonel.

Quiet! Shame on you men!

What should I do with them Sir?

- Release them.
- Release them?

Yes, I don't want them
contaminating the other prisoners.

Sir, we...

- Mrs. Ritzik.
- Oh it's you!

You got a nerve
showing your face in here

after what you've done.

Please Mrs. Ritzik.

Look, Rupert's asleep
there. Now is your chance.

Why don't you go in there
and go through his pockets.

Maybe he left a dime.

Mrs. Ritzik here is your $1,500.

You're giving me $1,500.

You didn't think we
would keep it now did you?

I didn't?

We wanted it so
nobody else would get it.

Yeah, take it Mrs. Ritzik.

Of course now take it,
buy some new furniture,

pay off the car, buy
yourself some new dresses.

- Oh boys!
- Oh please, no hysterics.

This is only true, it's
rightfully yours, case is closed.

Come on fellows.

Robin Hood, come on.

- I raise 2 reds.
- I'll see it.

- Jacks.
- 2 kings.

Oh that does it.

Come on let's break it
up; it's 4:00 in the morning.

Let's sleep now.

Hey isn't it a nice feeling
to know your conscience

will let you get a
little sleep tonight?

- Yeah.
- Makes you feel good again.

You're not kidding.

You know when you do a good
deed you get the benefit out of it.

- That's right.
- Goodnight fellows.

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.

Ritzik!

No, no, no, no you
can't play with him.

We made a vow never
to play cards with you.

Oh no, I didn't come
here to play cards.

- What are you here for?
- Did you see my wife?

- Your wife?
- Yeah.

Well, while I was asleep
she came in, she got dressed.

She took the car and she
took off for the main gate.

The main gate, did you
check at the main gate?

Yeah, they said she
headed West on highway 72.

- Oh no, Las Vegas.
- I knew it!

Now look, you've got
to stop, get the jeep.

Get the office of the guard.

- You get to the MPs. Tell
them to shoot at the tires.

Tell them to shoot low,
she's carrying money.

Mrs. Ritzik wherever you
are, the number is double zero.