The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 19 - Bilko Goes to Monte Carlo - full transcript

This is Fort Baxter, a
small Army post in Kansas.

While the world around him
sleeps, one soldier works alone,

above and beyond
the call of duty,

he works on and
on through the night.

This dedicated
worker is Ernest Bilko,

Master Sergeant in
the United States Army.

He is a true leader.

If he doesn't sleep,
nobody on the post sleeps.

5 nights in a row he's been up.

What is he up to?

What new plan is he
thinking up to take our money?



What is he up to?

Rupert, will you
please come to bed?

His lights are still on,
what is he cooking up?

It's 3:00 o'clock
in the morning.

Oh 5 nights he's been at it.

This time he's going
to take us good.

Oh no this time, not this time.

The first night I saw his
light on, I hid your money.

Oh good and don't tell me
where it is even if I ask yah.

Don't worry, dear.

What is he doing now?

Same thing, just
figuring and figuring.

What's he up to? I'm scared.

Who isn't?



17? 17?

- I did it!
- He did it!

- He did it!
- I did it!

- What did you do Sarge?
- What?

I did it! I did it!

Sarge! Sarge! Snap out of it!

- What? What?
- Sarge!

Now I remember.
I did it! I did it!

- Sarge, what is it?
- Boys, the long struggle is over.

The world is at our
feet. I have discovered...

Where is everybody? Two missing?

- What's he saying now?
- I don't know.

- He stopped talking.
- All right, all right, all right.

Come on, you might
as well be in on this.

- I'm not interested.
- Me neither.

- Okay.
- Hey what is it?

What? What?

All right boys, I'll
give it to you fast,

give it to you straight.

For the first time in history
a system to beat roulette

has been perfected
and this is it.

- Oh come on, let's go.
- Jerks!

What do you think I've been
doing in here for the past 5 days,

balancing the military budget?

I'm telling you, I went over
every system pro and con,

I looked, and I added,
and I subtracted.

This is it! I refigured
it, checked it,

rechecked it,
tested, it never fails.

1 out of every 3 numbers hits.

1 out of every 3?

Do you know what that means?

That means 30 to
1 for your money.

If you put up $1, you get $30.

If you put up $100, you get
$3,000, $3,000 you get $90,000.

This I've got to see.

All right, all right,
I expected this.

Doberman here,
play any 3 numbers.

From the top Sarge?

As long as they're
3 in a row, all right.

Spin it, go ahead Zimmerman.

Okay, 6, 33 and 9.

- 9!
- He did it!

We're rich! We're
rich! We're rich!

Quiet! We've got to work fast.

I've got to get into Las Vegas,

fracture them with
the surefire system

and before they know
what happens and out again

because once they
get wiser, I've got...

Here's where you come in, I'm
going to need at least $1,000.

- I knew it!
- I've got to have a bankroll.

- I knew it!
- Forget it!

- I'll go to somebody else.
- Oh no wait!

- No, no!
- I've got $50.

Look, you'll have
it in the morning.

I've got to have a
bankroll to start with

first thing in the morning.
- Oh no.

And every one of
you guys will get...

- Oh no.
- What's the matter with you?

Oh my wife hid the money.

I'll have to kill her to get it.

Well, then we'll
forget about you.

No, no I'll do it. I
know a good lawyer.

All right.

Emma, where did you hide it?

For the last time, where
did you hide the money?

I won't tell you. Kill
me, but I won't tell you.

Emma, it's 1,000 to
1, where did you hide it.

Never! Never!

I hope you know what
you're doing Cpl. Fender,

cashing in all your
savings bonds.

Yes Sir, I know what I'm doing.

- Thank you, Sir, $165 - Next.

I'd like to buy
another 25 of bonds.

Good, Sgt. Birch, I'll get one.

Hey Sam, I thought
you were saving

that money for your
wife's next baby.

- Babies?
- That's for poor people.

- Yeah, what's up?
- Nothing, nothing, nothing.

When the biggest miser
on the post is cashing in

all of his savings,
he's up to something.

- What is it?
- Nothing, Sir.

I can't tell you
nothing. No please.

Sam, it's me who kept your K.P
for 17 years, me you can't tell?

Now look, if Bilko
finds out, he'll kill me.

Oh Bilko... Bilko?

Look, now you've
got to tell me Sam.

What is it?

All right, don't
breathe this to a soul.

Oh Sir, I've changed my
mind about buying that bond.

Changed your mind?

Yes Sir and I want to
cash in all these I've got.

- Cash them in?
- Yes Sir.

- Please Sir, I'm in a hurry.
- Something just happened.

- What's up?
- Oh nothing, nothing.

Come on Harry, give.

Look now, now don't
breathe this to a soul you see.

- No!
- Here's your money.

- Oh thank you Sir.
- Next.

I'd like to make a loan
from the government.

I won't tell you, you can
hang me up by the thumbs.

You can kill me
but I won't tell you.

Emma, for the last
time I'm warning you.

Never! Never!

85, 95, 105...

Here's the payroll
from the whole platoon.

Jeez, Sarge, thanks
for letting us in on it.

Remember, I'm not
promising anything.

Bilko, the smartest
man in the whole Army

with a surefire system,
that's all we've got to know.

It's like money in a bank.

Come on.

Emma, this is your last chance.

Shoot! Shoot me!

I'm going to start
counting, 1, 2...

3, 300 from him, put him down.

Ernie, if you can
wait till tomorrow,

my mother is going to raise
money on her life insurance.

I can't, I've got to be
in Las Vegas tonight.

Next!

Here's another $300
Sarge, my wife just wired it.

We were saving it to
buy a little ranch house.

Good boy, $300 from
Fender, put it down.

- Here's $400, put me down.
- $400 for Birch.

Now I was saving that money
to send my son to college.

- You're making a smart move.
- Next!

- I've got $36.45 in here, Sarge.
- A piggy bank?

Come on, break it open.

I can Sarge; I
promised my mother

I wouldn't break
it until I was 40.

Sweet! Sweet!

I was going to take this
money and buy my mother

something she's always
wanted, a news stand.

All right, put it in.

I've got it! I've got it!

Put me down for
$175. Rupert, you didn't.

No, she cracked. She
told me where the money is.

You know something,
she ain't got too much guts.

$175 for Ritzik, put him down.

Hey Sarge! Sarge!

The jeep is all set to
take you to the airport.

- We're all packed?
- Yeah.

This is it, come on Roc,
how much have I got there?

How much? How much?

$5,560.

That's a dream come
true, a real life sized bankroll

and a surefire system.

Now you'll see
Bilko in operation.

The Bilko you know
that's chicken feed.

This is the real
Bilko, thousands.

- Everything packed?
- Everything packed Sarge.

You've got the gunnysacks
to bring the money back?

- Yeah they're all in there.
- All right.

I've got to go get a weekend
pass from the Colonel

and then we'll all set.

If you got any
friends in Las Vegas

with real estate holdings,
tell them to dump it.

- Why?
- Because when I get through

it's going to be
ghost city. What?

So, you want a weekend pass?

Yes, to visit my aunt Sir.

She's been feeling poorly
lately and somehow or other

she always get cheered up
when I come to see her, Sir.

No doubt. Where does she live?

Oh in a little town
in Nevada, Sir.

I'll fill it in later, Sir.

No I'd better do it. What's
the name of the town?

Oh a little la, la,
Las Vegas, Sir.

Las Vegas that's a big town
since the camp... Las Vegas?

- So that's it?
- What Sir?

So, that's where
the money is going?

The men cashing their
bonds and making loans,

I knew you were at
the bottom of this Bilko.

Sir, you're jumping
to conclusion, Sir.

I am not jumping.
I'm already there.

But Sir...

Bilko, you're not
going to Las Vegas.

Get me the Provost Marshall.

- But Sir, the men have, the men...
- Quiet!

Hello, put this on the
national military wire,

alert all military
police stations,

the state of Nevada is out of
bounds for Sgt. Ernest Bilko,

fingerprints, serial number
and picture to follow.

- But Sir, the men are dep...
- Quiet!

If he so much as puts one
foot over the Nevada state line,

permission is granted to shoot.

But Sir, isn't that a little...

- You heard me, that's all Bilko.
- Yes Sir.

Not allowing you to go to
Las Vegas, that's un-American.

That's what it is, un-American.

Denying the right of
an American soldier

to gamble in Las Vegas.

It's the cruelest thing
I ever heard in my life.

Well, nothing we
can do about it.

Here Rocco, give the money back.

That's the last humiliation,
me giving money back.

Sarge, isn't there
someplace else

you can gamble besides Nevada?

No, that's the only
place you can gamble

for these kinds of stakes.

How about Monte Carlo?

Monte Carlo?

On a 36 hour pass, without
orders, without passports,

without shots, I just
go there, play roulette,

go there overseas, be back
for Monday reveille, huh?

Monte Carlo,
Doberman believe me,

you are really brilliant,
absolutely brilliant!

- Monte Carlo.
- Are you crazy, on a weekend pass?

That's on a French
Riviera. That's near Europe.

What am I listening to him for?

Sarge, with all the
red tape you've got to

go through to get overseas?

No, but I happen to know the
Chief Dispatcher at the airbase,

happen to know he likes
poker, likes to win at poker

more than anything that
he likes in his life, right?

- Yeah.
- I have a hunch tonight

he's going to win.

Isn't he fellows?
- Yeah.

Nothing, nothing, nothing
there nothing, a pair of jacks?

- What a lucky guy.
- This is my night.

I bet $2.

- Beats me.
- Beats me.

- Well, I'm out.
- I raise you $2.

What are you doing?
You've got nothing.

- I've got queens.
- What are you?

- Oh, oh, I get it.
- I'm out.

He's out. I got nothing.

Come on let's break it up.

Well, that does it for me.

Well, gentlemen,
it's been a pleasure.

- I'm sorry.
- Sure lucky tonight Bill.

I thought I'd never walk
out of this room ahead.

- Hey Bill.
- Yeah.

Just thought of it, I've got a
36 hour pass starting tonight.

Oh I get it, you want
to hitch a plane ride.

Ernie, they're
cracking down on me.

- You ain't got a chance.
- Bill, for me?

I'll try. Where to,
Topeka, Kansas City?

No, Monte Carlo. You
mean Monte Carlo in Europe?

Yeah. Are you nuts.

In 36 hours Monte Carlo?

Why, the paperwork
alone would take 36 hours.

Even if I could get you
out of Kansas tonight,

it would take a jet to get
you to the overseas terminal

in time to meet the Military
Air Transport to Paris.

And that Paris plane, boy
they've got a waiting list

of officers alone, a mile
long just waiting for seats.

And that Orly Field, man
they've got M.P.s so tough...

What this?
- Pick any 3 numbers.

- Any 3?
- Any 3 at all.

- 6, 19, 27.
- Remember that 6, 19, 27.

Control to Dispatchers,
Sgt. Henderson

what's holding
up jet flight 74 A.

The pilot is waiting
for clearance.

We're holding up the runway.

Please standby.
Hurry it up, will you?

Now look Sergeant,
are you going to

clear me for takeoff
or aren't you?

- I'm sorry Sir.
- It's emergency passenger.

A passenger?

Yes Sir, and besides
we're having radio trouble

in that plane of yours.

Well, fix it Sergeant,
I'm ready to takeoff.

Yes Sir.

Hurry him up, come on, will you?

Bill, I've never flown
on a jet before...

Quiet! Now here are your papers.

- Yeah.
- Now get this,

you're Sgt. Elmer Peterson.

You're a jet mechanic
being transferred

to McGuire Airport
base New Jersey.

Repeat.
- I'm Sgt. Elmer Peterson.

I'm a jet mechanic
being transferred

to McGuire Field in New Jersey.

- Right.
- Sgt. Henderson, clear that plane.

At your service, radio
fix in a moment, Sir.

- All right...
- Am I up?

You'll be in New Jersey
in an hour and 55 minutes.

An hour 55 minutes?

- Sarge, hurry up.
- We better go.

- All right.
- Wait! Wait! Wait!

- What's this?
- Here is 1,700 bucks.

Every guy in the airbase is
riding on that system of yours.

Don't you worry
pal, you're home free.

Come on, let's go.
- All right, get him on board.

Good luck Bilko.

Put the tubes
back in that radio.

Bedford to dispatcher McGuire
Air Force Base, New Jersey.

McGuire Air Base New
Jersey, coming Bedford Kansas.

Look Johnny, you're going
to have a jet coming in,

in about an hour and 55 minutes.

There's a VIP on
it that's got to make

that flight to Orly
Field, Paris tonight.

Plane to Orly, are you kidding?

It's getting ready
to take off right now.

Look, Johnny this guy has
got to make that Paris plane.

This is a must.

Okay, okay, okay
I'll level with yah.

This guy Sgt. Bilko
has got a system...

Okay, okay, over and out.

Military air transport, flight
TX92 for Orly Field, Paris,

there has been another delay.

Please stand by.
- This is ridiculous.

I'm due in Paris in the morning,

we've been held up 2 hours now.

I'm sorry General,
engine trouble.

Well get that plane
off the ground.

We're checking it, Sir.

Jet 74A checking in from
Bedford Field, Kansas.

Yes, Sir, we expected
you over an hour ago, Sir.

Well, I ran into
some engine trouble.

I had this mechanic
along, he was no help at all.

Well, the allergy Sir,
stiffing my fingers...

Hold it Sergeant, Sir,
check in here please, name.

Name, oh my name.

I had it on the
tip of my tongue...

Sgt. Peterson?

Yes Sgt. Peterson,
I'm, I'm a jet mechanic.

- Step right this way Sergeant.
- I'm a jet mechanic.

If I'm not in the
air in 10 minutes

there's going to be
trouble. Do you hear me?

- Here he is boys.
- I'm a jet mechanic.

This place is
crawling with brass

and you walk right up
to the Gen. Anderson.

You realize that
we've been holding up

the Paris flight over
an hour for you?

- Really?
- Yeah, come on

get that arm band on him.
- What is this all about?

Yeah, now look, I want
you to get this straight,

you're Sgt. Hugo
Watkins, Military Courier

to SHAEF Headquarters
in Paris, repeat!

I'm Sgt. Hugo Watkins,
Military Courier to SHAEF.

Right, now look, you'll
be in Paris in 6 hours.

6 hours.

Now watch out for
those M.P.s over there.

They're as thick as flies
and guard that with your life.

- What's in here?
- $2,200 from the boys of McGuire.

- Okay boys, get him on board.
- Don't worry.

What do you mean
my seat's been taken?

We just got this top
priority passenger.

To priority? I am a General.

Military Courier, Sir,
cannot be detained.

Military Courier
cannot be detained.

Military air
transport flight TX92

from McGuire Field now landing.

Military passengers
are not permitted to leave

until checked out.

Will you check me through,
there's a helicopter waiting

to take me to confer
with Admiral Dunne.

I'm sorry Sir, routine in
French customs you know.

Courier militar laisser passer.

Military Courier, stand
back. Do not delay.

Taxi! Taxi!

Now where is my staff car?

- Well, we don't know about any...
- You don't know?

The fate of the world is in
here and you don't know?

General, get me a taxi.

Sergeant. Um, Bilko?

Who? Who Sergeant?

No, no listen I'm Sgt.
Watkins, I mean Peterson,

I think I'm Peterson.

Sgt. Watkins, Sgt. Peterson.

Well, you see we've
got to use a lot of names

in this kind of secret...
- What's going on here?

Well, it looks like a case
of illegal entrance, Sir.

We'll take care of it.

Come on, you've
got a lot of explaining.

Fellows, would you give
me a break you know...

Shut up! Now hear this.

- What?
- You're Sgt. Reyfield Colbin

on special assignment
to go to Monte Carlo

to pick up a prisoner.
- I see.

Sam, Sam run and tell the
General his helicopter broke down,

Will you?
- All right.

Sgt. Reyfield.

Now look, when you get off
the helicopter in Monte Carlo...

Yeah.

There's going to be a staff
car waiting there to pick you up.

- Yeah.
- Okay, now go ahead, Colbin?

- Wait!
- What's the matter?

Here, what's this?

$1,300 from the boys
at SHAEF headquarters,

the whole Army is
riding on you Bilko.

Don't let us down.

You ain't got a thing
to worry about pal.

- Wait!
- What?

Oh yeah, yeah.

May I help you monsieur?

Oh yes, upstairs they said

there's a room here
you play for high stakes.

Yes monsieur, this
is the celo cubid,

the sky is the limit.

- Oh merci. Je vous en prie.

The sky is the limit.

This is it, the end of the
rainbow, Monte Carlo.

Wow! May I sit here.

You aren't expecting
anybody, are you?

- Oh yes, monsieur, you.
- You see, this is no mine.

I represent a large syndicate.

With this system you
just watch this whole joint

is going to belong to me.

Excuse me while
I get some chips.

Would you give
me $10,000 worth...

dix-neuf

Oh poor man, he lost everything.

Well, you know amateurs
shouldn't play this game.

Amateurs? That was Dr. Gutman,

the Professor of
Mathematics at Heidelberg.

I would... Heidelberg?

Aren't you going
to play monsieur?

Well, now I don't know.

You see, this isn't my money.
The boys put up their money.

But you have a system monsieur.

That's right, I have a
system that's surefire.

Do you wish to play monsieur?

Give me $10,000...
- Fender?
- Sarge.

If you lose that $300, Linda
and I can't buy that ranch house.

Look, Sam I didn't want...

I was going to buy
my mother something

she always wanted a news stand.

I don't want to give away your
money, I don't want to even...

Monsieur, you are
keeping us waiting.

No, I don't think
I'd better play.

It is okay.

So this is what
you dreamed about,

flinging thousands around, huh?

Pretty easy when you were
talking to the boys in the barracks,

but when the chips were
down, you come up lame.

Get up you four flusher.
Let a gambler sit down.

Pardon monsieur,
will you come with me?

Leave me alone, will you please?

I insist, please follow me.

- What is this?
- This way.

Entrer.

One moment please.

Sergeant, I know how you feel.

It is like the world
has come to an end.

Yeah.

All right, so you
lost all your money,

but that is no reason
to take your life.

Take my life?

Now look as the
manager of the casino

I cannot afford the publicity of

American soldier
committing suicide.

Suicide, I don't want...

Look, how much money
did you bring here?

By the time I got
here it was $10,000

$10,000. But you see...

- Here you are Sergeant...
- What?

Please we are here at
the casino to make money

but not at the cost
of a human life.

Come, I'm going off duty.
I'm going off duty now.

Let's have a drink to
your trip back home.

Thank you, thank you very much.

It is a pleasure.

- Thank you.
- I hope you'll leave now

as soon as possible.
- Oh yes of course.

This has been a remembrance
to you, you naughty boy you.

So goodbye, have a nice, have
a nice trip and remember us.

- I certainly will.
- Should I drop you at the airport?

No, I've got a jeep,
right over here.

- All right, goodbye.
- Thank you very much.

Chips! Chips!

Give me thousands of
dollars’ worth of chips.

Chips!

I'll show who's here
baby this is for you.

Live live.

All right roll
that wheel, roll it!

Oh so your system,
it did not work.

It was just starting to operate.

Well, I've got to get
some more chips.

Why shall I use the boy's money?

Is that a new floor
manager over there?

- Hmm.
- Keep it going, I'll be right back.

- Excuse me.
- Don't let anybody sit here.

Watch the book.

- Pardon monsieur.
- Yeah come on will you.

Come on!

Thank you.

No, monsieur, the
casino does not need

the life savings of
an American soldier.

Oh you are wonderful.

When you return home,
remember us kindly, will you?

I certainly will.

By the way, may I give
you a lift to the airport?

Thank you which
way are you going?

Well, my jeep is that way.

- Bon voyage.
- Bon voyage, thank you very much.

- Vive la France.
- Vive la France.

Chips! Chips!

Thousands of dollars
now I'll show you.

Now honey. Live a little.

All right, roll it buddy!

Champagne!
Champagne for everybody!

Champagne!

Don't worry,
there's more of that.

Here, here come on. One moment.

See if that table will
have some champagne.

Everybody have a drink with...
wait a minute let me look at that,

1906, that was a terrible year.

Look I don't want any
of this domestic stuff,

you've got something,
got a California wine?

- California?
- Yeah.

Tell you what; see if
you can find this wine

back in Kansas where
we drink Prairie Dog,

it's a blue champagne.
It's wonderful.

See if you can
find some of that.

Another roll buddy bring.

Drink it up.

- Well.
- Oh you lost again.

Well, what are you going to do?

Don't move, keep the
wheel going, I'll be right back.

Having fun? Drink
up folks! Drink up!

Pardon monsieur.

Yes. Compliments of the manager.

Compliments?

Yeah, monsieur
might I suggest that

the place to do it
is right over there.

Do it? Do what?

Yes monsieur, your
body will just drop

over the parapet into
the Mediterranean.

You still have the
money you came with?

Yes Sir, but I was just
clowning, I didn't want to...

Hmm, I suggest you go to
Las Vegas and try it on them.

Perhaps it works, out!

Well, Sir, you shouldn't
take this attitude,

put this on the red,
will you please?

- Come in.
- Morning Sir.

- Oh morning Bilko.
- Duty roster, Sir.

Oh put them there.
You got a light?

Oh here's the matches Sir,
you can keep them if you want.

Well, thank you. Did
you have a nice weekend?

- So-so.
- Where did you go?

- Monte Carlo.
- Monte Carlo?

- Yes Sir.
- That's a good one.

- Yes Sir, sure it is Sir.
- Monte Carlo.

I'd like to tell that
at the officers club.

Joe's Diner, Monaco?

Oh no, even Bilko couldn't
make it over the weekend,

ridiculous, or could he?

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were

Marcel Hillaire as
Manager of the Casino.

Bern Hoffman as Sgt. Henderson.

Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik.

James Little as Sgt. Grover.

And Frederick
O'Neal as Sgt. Birch.