The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 14 - Sergeant Bilko Presents Ed Sullivan - full transcript
What I wanted to tell you
now is about next week's show.
As you know, each year we
put on the annual All Army Show
and next week on this stage,
we are going to have our
annual display of Army talent.
At this very exact moment,
hopeful G.Is all over the country
in Army camp installations
are undergoing the scrutiny
of Army talent scouts.
And out of this group
may come another well,
another Eddy Fisher who was a
G.I or Harvey Stone who was a G.I.
But any event it's a
great and a warm event
and they'll be on our stage
next Sunday night
right here with us.
The band is playing somewhere,
somewhere hearts are light.
Somewhere men are laughing,
and somewhere children shout.
But there will be
no joy in Mudville,
Mighty Casey has
struck out. Thank you.
- Any more?
- Yes Sir.
One more Sir, Sgt.
Ernest Bilko, baritone.
Another baritone, bring him on.
Send in Sgt. Bilko.
Granada, by Agustin Lara.
Thank you.
Check my plane reservation?
Yes Sir.
Sergeant, the Sullivan Office
will notify you if
we can use you.
Sarge, do you think you made it?
Made it? You saw what happened.
I sang one note,
he said thank you.
Why are we standing here?
Why aren't we getting
packed for New York?
Oh my throat I must save.
Good morning gentlemen.
- How are you Ed?
- Fine, fine, fine.
Hey you know
that show last night
got terrific reaction.
CBS operators told
me the switch boards
were loaded with calls.
And I got the ratings there.
- The ratings?
- Yes, Sir.
How did we do?
- Great, we got a 51.
- A 51, how about the opposition?
A 2.
Listen, fellows, we've
got to buckle down.
Those fellows are
picking up on us.
Yes, Florence. Capt.
Anderson is here.
Oh send Capt. Anderson in.
It's about the talent for
the Army show next week.
So they got 2, huh?
Mr. Sullivan.
Why, good morning Capt.
Anderson. How are you?
You know Marlo
Louis, my co-producers,
John Wray our director.
Hello Capt. Ray Bloch
our musical conductor.
- Hello Mr. Bloch.
- Nice to meet you.
And now Captain,
just one question,
have we got a good
show for Sunday?
Well, I hope so,
here's the list.
We have a Glee Club
from Camp Stanley, Virginia.
Good.
An acrobatic team from
Fort Mills, California.
But Captain, just
looking through this,
there's one point
I'd like to bring up.
What is it?
Now I see that most of
this talent comes from
Army camps and installations
from the West Coast
and then along the East
Coast, down here in the south,
can we get something right
out of the center of the country?
- Around Kansas, huh?
- Yeah.
Well, there is a camp
there Fort Baxter,
but it was pretty barren.
Well, if we could
just something.
You see we like to represent...
- Say Ed.
- Yeah.
We're planning a finale
built around a jeep.
Maybe you could get someone
from Fort Baxter to drive it.
That's a wonderful idea Captain.
Fine, I'll get the
motor pool sergeant.
- I'll send them a wire.
- That will do it.
Well, thank you.
Everybody else will
be here this afternoon.
See you later.
Well, it will be so
nice to see all of them.
Thank you.
Here it looks like
another great show.
You said it and, why
are you the choir?
Yeah, but they got 2.
Here he comes back
from the post office again.
- How does he look?
- Well, dancing he isn't.
You know if he doesn't hear
from the Sullivan show by
today he's never going to hear it.
Take my word, he's
never going to hear.
I don't get it, a guy
is smart as Ernie
and really gets into his
head he's a great singer.
Is that something?
If I hear Granada once
more I'm gonna desert
Are you kidding? Every
morning he's got the Dob,
packing his bag ready
to go to New York.
Every afternoon after the
mail the Dob has to unpack.
If you want your mail, clear up.
Here he comes,
don't say anything.
- Hi fellows.
- Hi Sarge.
I was at my post office I
thought I stop and get the mail.
This one is for you Roc. This
is a couple for you Henshaw.
Thanks Ernie.
I guess I'll go over
these duty rosters.
Did you look at them?
Ernie, was there
any mail for you?
Oh just something from
the finance company.
They found me again.
I'll blind them with
footwork, don't worry about it.
Sarge, I mean well, you know.
What? What? What?
Well, you know of Ed Sullivan.
You're going to
bring that up again?
Let's not get ridiculous.
Let's look alive,
I mean how silly
could I have gotten?
What would Ed
Sullivan want with me?
Am I singer?
You heard my auditions, did
you ever hear anything so funny?
I sang one note and
the guy said thank you.
Wasn't that funny?
I wish I was dead.
Sarge! Sarge, don't
make it so hard.
Pull yourself together Ernie.
I'm sorry fellows
for cracking up.
That's understandable.
They just don't
appreciate a great voice.
Sarge, that Captain
never gave you a chance.
Yes, he did.
He gave me the
biggest chance of my life.
The chance to see
myself as I really am,
a big loud mouth no talent,
who thinks he's better
than anybody else.
- Oh Sarge, you're all upset.
- Sure I'm upset.
When I think of what you guys
have been putting up
with me all these years.
Now you can forget that.
It's going to be different
around here from now on.
This is not going to be a
Sergeant and 2 corporals, no Sir.
This is going to be 3 pals.
- Jeez, Sarge.
- Pals?
Boys, help me find myself.
What are you doing Doberman?
Unpacking your bag, Sarge.
- Why?
- Why?
Yes why? Tell me
why one human being
should unpack a bag
for another human being?
- Sarge, what did I do?
- See, what I mean?
You make me cry.
These are the little people
I've been pushing around.
Sarge, if you'd only
tell me what I did wrong.
Nothing, nothing. Just sit down.
But Sarge, I got your
wash out on my line,
your ties need pressing
and your socks are soaking.
What have I done?
I've taken an American soldier,
and turned him into a washwoman.
I don't mind Sarge, if
you could only give me
someone to help
with the ironing.
Don't worry about
it, sit down Duane.
From now on
things are going to...
good heavens you've got
a rip in your collar, I'll sew it.
- No, I can do it.
- Oh I'll do it.
Get me a needle and thread and
get me some cookies for Duane.
- Right Sarge.
- Sit down baby, sit down.
On your chair?
- What do you mean my chair?
This is much your
chair as it is mine.
Sit down.
Things are going to be different,
now here are some cookies.
Get him a pillow,
make him comfortable.
The needle and thread,
thank you very much.
I'll have this fixed in no time.
Go on baby, eat your
cookies, you baked them.
Sarge. What is it?
Now don't start, you'll
have me going again.
Sarge, you're so good to me.
It's not half as good
as I intend to be to you.
I've got to make
up a lot to you.
Are you comfy? Eat your cookies.
Go on eat. Eat and enjoy.
Everything all right?
Anything I can do for you?
- Just one thing, Sarge.
- You name it Duane.
Sing to me.
Hello.
What is this, king for a day?
I don't blame you, good heavens
Fender what are you doing?
A man your age
carrying things around.
I'll handle that.
- What's the matter with him?
Nothing, I'm just going to
give you one last command
and this is the last command
I'm going to, lie down, rest.
Lie down old soldier,
you've earned it.
Bless your heart.
Lie, you've worked hard enough
for me and for everybody else.
Just relax. Paparelli.
- I'm not tired.
- No, no.
You don't understand.
It just occurred to me,
when was the last time
you saw your folks?
- Last month.
Well, you're going
to see them again
and real soon.
- I am?
Here take my furlough
I won't need it now.
- Sarge?
- No, I want you to have it.
I ask for one thing, when
you get home wire me,
so I know you got home safe.
- Sarge, I'll write every day.
- Now where were we?
There he is, fast asleep,
old warrior Fender,
bless his heart.
Sleep Fender, sleep.
Eat, eat, eat old faithful eat.
I forgot what it
was like to be a G.I.
just a normal human being,
just a face in the crowd.
- Telegram for Sgt. Bilko.
- Yes of course.
Wait a minute, here you are.
- What is it Sarge?
- I don't know.
You have been chosen to
appear on the Ed Sullivan show.
Report at once to New York.
Sarge, you made it! You made it!
Was there ever any doubt?
Why are we standing around
here? I've missed 2 days rehearsals.
Where is my music?
I'm not packed and you're
stuffing your fat face?
Out! Up! Up!
Where is it, where is
my jeep? Fender! Fender!
What happened?
Why didn't you stay awake
get the jeep on the double.
The window! The window!
My throat, my throat, watch it!
To you I give all my love,
all of my love,
my love, my love.
Hey, that's pretty fine girls.
- Say Ed.
- Yes Johnny.
We worked out a finish
with this acrobatic act.
Would you like
to take a look at it?
Yes I would.
Fellows would you please
do it for Mr. Sullivan?
Hey that is terrific.
Do you know what
we could do Johnny?
Let's put them right in the
middle of the show for terrific sock.
We'll open up
with the drill team.
- Great idea Ed.
- Fine fellows.
That's the Feet G.I. Joe.
That's perfect for time.
Ed you remember these fellows?
Yeah, you fellows were
on our show before.
Yes, Mr. Sullivan we with you
before we went into the Army.
I knew it.
Yeah we were Tap,
Stomp, and Slide.
Well, I'm glad you slid
right back to us, I really do.
Wait a minute, wait a
minute fellows, too loud.
A little softer, my
orchestra has to be heard,
I've got relatives
listening too.
Listen now you G.Is don't
mind what the maestro says
because anything that
can drown out his music
is fine for the show.
Ray, how is the music?
Almost ready, Sid will you
finish that arrangement please.
- Yes, Mr. Bloch.
- Well, I'll tell you what Johnny.
Suppose you take over
because Marlo and I
are going to be working
on next week's show.
Excuse me Ed but
I'm continually amazed.
At what?
Well, I thought we had
teamwork in the Army,
but the way this show is
organized is miraculous.
Well, thank you Captain,
you know it's been suggested
the reason we stayed
9 years on the air
is because this is
a well-oiled team.
Actually it goes
deeper than that.
This whole thing is
based on friendship.
I was telling Eddie Brinkmann,
our stage manager, this morning
that I don't think we've
had a cross word in 9 years.
That's right.
Well, I've never
seen a happier team.
Well actually it has to be
that way because you know,
one monkey wrench in
our operation and voom,
the show goes
right out the window.
Just one monkey wrench.
I'm here, I'm here.
Why wasn't there anybody
to meet me at the plane?
Oh cut! Cut! Cut!
That number is out. You'll
be in my number Granada.
Your number? Yes,
isn't anything arranged?
What? No organization?
Where's Ed? Ed? Where's Ed?
Ed, where is he? Ed?
Yes, Ed Sullivan.
Oh good heavens,
he must be at the
airport waiting for me.
Here, here's a dime,
I want you to call him.
Tell him Bilko is
here. He'll understand.
Bilko?
Now we have to...
where is the other fellow?
Well, just don't stand there,
you see a Sergeant
holding a bag, look alive.
Cut! Cut!
- That number is out.
- Out?
Get up in Granada with
some till on the
toe the greco stuff.
I'll show you what we do later.
You're working on my number.
- Cut! Cut!
- What's the matter?
- This number is out?
- The number is out?
Yes, it's not Granada.
- Granada?
- Granada is not on the program.
- Oh good heavens,
another typical
Ed Sullivan mess.
Thank heavens I thought of
bringing my own arrangement.
- Pass it out to the boys.
- But...
In the middle part
you notice a high C;
I may have to be covered.
- What is it Corporal?
- Yes, Sergeant.
All right, you've
got your parts and...
Hold it! Hold it!
- What is this?
- What's going on?
Well, you see this number
I'm working with the boys,
they gave me some curls
to sing with but I'm working.
They're going to be all right.
And...
What is it? What is this?
This isn't the number
they're supposed to sing.
Well, they had some
silly soldier number
rehearsed with a
mishmash arrangement.
I thought this
would give it a spark.
I don't believe I've
had the pleasure.
- I'm the arranger.
- The arranger?
Don't tell me I'm face
to face with the great...
- Sidney Milnick.
- Sidney Milnick.
Well, it's like saying hello
to the great Beethoven.
Oh please Sarge.
Oh no don't say oh
please, don't be modest.
Back in Kansas do you know
what we call this show, Milnick Time?
Well, I don't think we've
time to make the changes.
You see Mr. Bloch
wouldn't permit this.
Mr. Bloch? Bloch?
Bloch? What Bloch?
Our conductor, Mr. Ray Bloch.
Oh yes, Ray Bloch, the parasite.
We refer to him in the
music world as the parasite.
Now what is your problem?
Yes, well, well,
he's a very fine...
Fine what? What does
he do that's so fine?
He stands in front of an
orchestra and waves his arms.
Any sailor can do the same thing
and send messages
at the same time.
Here's what I want.
Well, I never quite
thought of it that way.
No, no, here's the
way you must look at it.
Take away Milnick, the heart
of the Ray Bloch orchestra,
what have you got?
20 men and a stick,
isn't that so? Yeah.
I thought, now in this
Granada, but just a suggestion,
some fiddles, nice, you
know the Milnick touch.
The Milnick touch.
Oh but what's the
use of us talking,
Ray Bloch will never
hold still for this.
- Why not - Why not?
Isn't it obvious,
people will start asking
who makes those
great arrangements;
the name Milnick
will torture him.
Milnick, Milnick,
he doesn't like that.
Oh he won't, give me that
music, let him try to refuse.
Go get him Sidney
boy, that's the...
Hold it! Hold it!
Why are you doing my notes?
You have a part here.
Read your part, please... and.
Cut!
What are you, are you rehearsing
in an entrance to an alley?
- What is this?
- A Spanish song?
Well, of course it's...
No, it's a Hungarian polka.
Of course.
What's a Spanish song
doing on an Army show?
Well, I thought it
would be a special treat
for the Ed Sullivan fans
instead of those drab numbers
this idiot director
keeps giving him.
You understand? Why
am I telling this to you?
- I'm John Wray.
- He's John Wray.
- The director.
- You...
- Sergeant you're crying.
- You must excuse me.
How often am I face
to face with genius?
- Oh, come now Sergeant.
- No, I can see it now.
I see that brain of
yours twilling around
the imaginative mind.
I see it going, gypsy girls,
castanets, Spanish three strings.
But Sullivan wants
to do an Army show.
Well, of course he does.
I can understand why
to give you half a chance
to put a production, you
know what happened.
How long are you going
to have your hands tied?
My hands tied?
Yes, what else
could you call it?
Your hands tied, here you
come up with a brilliant idea
for production and what
does he want you to do,
some silly drill
number I suppose?
Don't you see his
thinking? Don't you see it?
Don't let Hollywood see
what John Wray can do.
- It's pretty obvious, isn't it?
- Yeah.
Oh I can see your brain going,
your brain is going a
mile a minute, isn't it?
All Spanish numbers, castanets,
bull fighters in the background.
And a real bull. Do you
hear what genius brain?
Just like that, a real bull.
Thank you very
much but forget it,
Mr. Sullivan will
never allow it?
What's Sullivan
got to say about it?
There's going to be
changes, costumes...
Go tell him Johnny.
- Hold it.
- Hold up!
We must be rehearsing
in an empty lot.
- Now what is it?
- Who is Sgt. Bilko?
I am Sgt. Bilko.
What did you tell my arranger?
He took a swing at me.
- You must be Ray Bloch.
- I am?
But how was I to know,
I mean, it doesn't seem.
- Would you turn around please?
- Turn around?
Yes, so I can see
the back of your head.
Well, of course,
now I recognize you.
It was very obvious
too why we only see
the back of your
head on the program.
Your face has a little
too much warmth,
a little too much charm
to suit Mr. Sullivan.
He can't compete
with it, can he?
- My face?
- Yes, your face.
I can think of another conductor
whose face we never saw.
His back was
always on the camera.
One day he turned
to all the camera
Lawrence Welk!
Lawrence Welk?
This is the song he
made his first hit with.
Granada I have the very
same arrangement right here.
Oh I couldn't do that
now. It's too late to do that.
Mr. Sullivan wouldn't allow it.
Excuse me, would you
say that again please?
- I couldn't do it at this time.
- No, I mean the last part.
Mr. Sullivan wouldn't allow it.
Good heavens,
if I didn't hear it
with my own ears, I'd
never have believed it.
Mr. Sullivan wouldn't
allow it indeed.
Do you know what we call
the show back in Kansas?
Ray Bloch Festival Time.
- Ray Bloch festival.
Well, of course the show
is 99% music, isn't it?
- Yes.
- Who handles that music?
- I do.
- Of course.
What does Mr. Sullivan do,
he announces the numbers.
He's just an announcer.
Oh come now, he's
more than an announcer.
Well, perhaps I missed
1 or 2 of the show.
What does he sing a
few songs once in a while?
- No.
- Is he funny?
- Does he tell a joke?
- No.
Or perhaps I missed, he's
a dancer, he's a hoofer?
- Oh no.
- What does he do?
Well, I guess
Granada is out now.
Give me that music,
we're doing Granada.
On no, wait a second;
Mr. Sullivan will never stand for that.
No announcer is going
to tell me what to do.
Hold it! He's doing
it for spite now.
He's taking my note...
So for next week's show, we
want to build it around Olivier,
Vivian Lee, Rex Harrison, Julie
Andrews the all the English stars.
- Sounds just great Ed.
- Uh huh.
- This should make a good show.
- That's probably England now.
Hello, 43 Spanish costumes?
No, I didn't order any. No.
Johnny Wray couldn't
have ordered them.
We're doing an
Army show next week.
How do you like that,
Spanish costumes here.
Say Ed, do you want me to
see if David Niven's in New York.
Oh he'd be wonderful.
He'd be wonderful.
Johnny some crackpot
just called up and said
you wanted Spanish costumes,
I told them it was a mistake.
He didn't make a mistake.
I made the mistake 9 years
ago when I went to work for you.
What's the matter with you?
You know what's the matter
with me trying to hold me down.
Trying to keep Hollywood
from finding out what I can do.
- Bilko was right. Bilko?
It took 9 years but
Bilko opened my eyes.
Johnny! What's wrong with him?
I don't know Ed.
Would you check
right away please?
I certainly will. Astounding!
Hi Ray, have you seen Johnny,
he seems to be awfully
sore about something.
- Take a good look at this face.
- Face?
You've seen a lot
of it, haven't you?
- Well, naturally.
- Well, nobody else has.
For 9 years on this show
all they've seen is
the back of my head.
Is everybody in this
place going crazy?
Not crazy, just
stupid. Bilko was right.
Now Ray baby...
Don't Ray baby me you announcer!
Did you find out what's wrong?
Yes, I found out,
9 years too late.
Marlo, not you.
Don't Marlo me you parasite
living off my talent for 9 years.
- Bilko was right.
- Bilko?
I better get down there
and find out myself.
Bilko, our new
CBS Vice President,
I'll take care of him.
Hold it! Hold it!
Cut! Marlo!
- Yes Sergeant.
- You promised me real fruit.
- I'm sorry.
Now please watch
that, will you please?
Hold it! Hold it!
You were supposed to
come in on the exact beat.
Johnny if you can't do it, get
me somebody, will you please?
Give me one more
chance and I'll...
Watch it Johnny baby, watch it.
All right, I got it Ernie.
All right.
Hold it You're
not oh really Ray?
Oh fellas, let's do it right.
I don't want, just
give me some support.
Hold it! Hold it!
Buddy this is a
private rehearsal.
What are you doing
here? Wait hold it!
Now just a minute,
Marlo no relatives please.
- Oh no, I'm on the show.
- Oh are you?
You must be that gypsy
knife thrower we hired.
You've kept 40 people waiting;
your agent said you
had your own knives.
I wish I had them with me.
- Marlo, troublemaker.
- Troublemaker?
- So, you must be Bilko.
- Well of course and you?
I'm Ed Sullivan.
What did I do? What did I say?
It's what you said.
It's the way you said it.
There you are the
idol of all America.
The No.1 television
star takes time out
to talk to a lowly soldier
and very humbly say,
- "I am Ed Sullivan."
- Thank you.
Sgt. you've really
taken over, haven't you?
Take... me take over
from the great Ziegfield...
I mean the great Sullivan.
I'm always making that mistake.
- Now what's that Sgt.
- Look at him standing there.
There he is, Mr. Sunday
Night, the star maker,
what am I, a lump of clay.
That's all take me, mold me!
Mold me!
- Later when we go outside.
- Now what goes on here?
I don't know what
you're doing, look Flo,
I mean Ed we're doing the...
- Quiet!
- Yes, all right.
Marlo, Johnny Wray, I don't want
a Spanish number on the show.
It's going the way we said it.
I don't want that. I
don't want it now!
- Yeah, yeah!
- Get him a hat!
With bells! With bells!
- He wants a hat with bells.
- What am I doing here?
- Quiet! Quiet!
- Quiet on the set.
Now Bilko, I just heard your
idea, now I want you to hear mine.
Quiet on the set,
this is a television first!
Sullivan has an idea, listen.
Now in the first place...
Thank you ladies and
gentlemen, you are about to see
a very colorful and
exciting service show.
Unfortunately, we had to
postpone the Army show
because I ran
into a little trouble.
But I have air expressed
the trouble back
to the State of Kansas.
So tonight, the
night here is a tribute
to another great
branch of the services,
the United States navy.
So let me hear it for the...
Come on now, let me hear it!
Marlo! Marlo!
No, please don't do this.
Hey you fellows in
Kansas, I'm right here!
now is about next week's show.
As you know, each year we
put on the annual All Army Show
and next week on this stage,
we are going to have our
annual display of Army talent.
At this very exact moment,
hopeful G.Is all over the country
in Army camp installations
are undergoing the scrutiny
of Army talent scouts.
And out of this group
may come another well,
another Eddy Fisher who was a
G.I or Harvey Stone who was a G.I.
But any event it's a
great and a warm event
and they'll be on our stage
next Sunday night
right here with us.
The band is playing somewhere,
somewhere hearts are light.
Somewhere men are laughing,
and somewhere children shout.
But there will be
no joy in Mudville,
Mighty Casey has
struck out. Thank you.
- Any more?
- Yes Sir.
One more Sir, Sgt.
Ernest Bilko, baritone.
Another baritone, bring him on.
Send in Sgt. Bilko.
Granada, by Agustin Lara.
Thank you.
Check my plane reservation?
Yes Sir.
Sergeant, the Sullivan Office
will notify you if
we can use you.
Sarge, do you think you made it?
Made it? You saw what happened.
I sang one note,
he said thank you.
Why are we standing here?
Why aren't we getting
packed for New York?
Oh my throat I must save.
Good morning gentlemen.
- How are you Ed?
- Fine, fine, fine.
Hey you know
that show last night
got terrific reaction.
CBS operators told
me the switch boards
were loaded with calls.
And I got the ratings there.
- The ratings?
- Yes, Sir.
How did we do?
- Great, we got a 51.
- A 51, how about the opposition?
A 2.
Listen, fellows, we've
got to buckle down.
Those fellows are
picking up on us.
Yes, Florence. Capt.
Anderson is here.
Oh send Capt. Anderson in.
It's about the talent for
the Army show next week.
So they got 2, huh?
Mr. Sullivan.
Why, good morning Capt.
Anderson. How are you?
You know Marlo
Louis, my co-producers,
John Wray our director.
Hello Capt. Ray Bloch
our musical conductor.
- Hello Mr. Bloch.
- Nice to meet you.
And now Captain,
just one question,
have we got a good
show for Sunday?
Well, I hope so,
here's the list.
We have a Glee Club
from Camp Stanley, Virginia.
Good.
An acrobatic team from
Fort Mills, California.
But Captain, just
looking through this,
there's one point
I'd like to bring up.
What is it?
Now I see that most of
this talent comes from
Army camps and installations
from the West Coast
and then along the East
Coast, down here in the south,
can we get something right
out of the center of the country?
- Around Kansas, huh?
- Yeah.
Well, there is a camp
there Fort Baxter,
but it was pretty barren.
Well, if we could
just something.
You see we like to represent...
- Say Ed.
- Yeah.
We're planning a finale
built around a jeep.
Maybe you could get someone
from Fort Baxter to drive it.
That's a wonderful idea Captain.
Fine, I'll get the
motor pool sergeant.
- I'll send them a wire.
- That will do it.
Well, thank you.
Everybody else will
be here this afternoon.
See you later.
Well, it will be so
nice to see all of them.
Thank you.
Here it looks like
another great show.
You said it and, why
are you the choir?
Yeah, but they got 2.
Here he comes back
from the post office again.
- How does he look?
- Well, dancing he isn't.
You know if he doesn't hear
from the Sullivan show by
today he's never going to hear it.
Take my word, he's
never going to hear.
I don't get it, a guy
is smart as Ernie
and really gets into his
head he's a great singer.
Is that something?
If I hear Granada once
more I'm gonna desert
Are you kidding? Every
morning he's got the Dob,
packing his bag ready
to go to New York.
Every afternoon after the
mail the Dob has to unpack.
If you want your mail, clear up.
Here he comes,
don't say anything.
- Hi fellows.
- Hi Sarge.
I was at my post office I
thought I stop and get the mail.
This one is for you Roc. This
is a couple for you Henshaw.
Thanks Ernie.
I guess I'll go over
these duty rosters.
Did you look at them?
Ernie, was there
any mail for you?
Oh just something from
the finance company.
They found me again.
I'll blind them with
footwork, don't worry about it.
Sarge, I mean well, you know.
What? What? What?
Well, you know of Ed Sullivan.
You're going to
bring that up again?
Let's not get ridiculous.
Let's look alive,
I mean how silly
could I have gotten?
What would Ed
Sullivan want with me?
Am I singer?
You heard my auditions, did
you ever hear anything so funny?
I sang one note and
the guy said thank you.
Wasn't that funny?
I wish I was dead.
Sarge! Sarge, don't
make it so hard.
Pull yourself together Ernie.
I'm sorry fellows
for cracking up.
That's understandable.
They just don't
appreciate a great voice.
Sarge, that Captain
never gave you a chance.
Yes, he did.
He gave me the
biggest chance of my life.
The chance to see
myself as I really am,
a big loud mouth no talent,
who thinks he's better
than anybody else.
- Oh Sarge, you're all upset.
- Sure I'm upset.
When I think of what you guys
have been putting up
with me all these years.
Now you can forget that.
It's going to be different
around here from now on.
This is not going to be a
Sergeant and 2 corporals, no Sir.
This is going to be 3 pals.
- Jeez, Sarge.
- Pals?
Boys, help me find myself.
What are you doing Doberman?
Unpacking your bag, Sarge.
- Why?
- Why?
Yes why? Tell me
why one human being
should unpack a bag
for another human being?
- Sarge, what did I do?
- See, what I mean?
You make me cry.
These are the little people
I've been pushing around.
Sarge, if you'd only
tell me what I did wrong.
Nothing, nothing. Just sit down.
But Sarge, I got your
wash out on my line,
your ties need pressing
and your socks are soaking.
What have I done?
I've taken an American soldier,
and turned him into a washwoman.
I don't mind Sarge, if
you could only give me
someone to help
with the ironing.
Don't worry about
it, sit down Duane.
From now on
things are going to...
good heavens you've got
a rip in your collar, I'll sew it.
- No, I can do it.
- Oh I'll do it.
Get me a needle and thread and
get me some cookies for Duane.
- Right Sarge.
- Sit down baby, sit down.
On your chair?
- What do you mean my chair?
This is much your
chair as it is mine.
Sit down.
Things are going to be different,
now here are some cookies.
Get him a pillow,
make him comfortable.
The needle and thread,
thank you very much.
I'll have this fixed in no time.
Go on baby, eat your
cookies, you baked them.
Sarge. What is it?
Now don't start, you'll
have me going again.
Sarge, you're so good to me.
It's not half as good
as I intend to be to you.
I've got to make
up a lot to you.
Are you comfy? Eat your cookies.
Go on eat. Eat and enjoy.
Everything all right?
Anything I can do for you?
- Just one thing, Sarge.
- You name it Duane.
Sing to me.
Hello.
What is this, king for a day?
I don't blame you, good heavens
Fender what are you doing?
A man your age
carrying things around.
I'll handle that.
- What's the matter with him?
Nothing, I'm just going to
give you one last command
and this is the last command
I'm going to, lie down, rest.
Lie down old soldier,
you've earned it.
Bless your heart.
Lie, you've worked hard enough
for me and for everybody else.
Just relax. Paparelli.
- I'm not tired.
- No, no.
You don't understand.
It just occurred to me,
when was the last time
you saw your folks?
- Last month.
Well, you're going
to see them again
and real soon.
- I am?
Here take my furlough
I won't need it now.
- Sarge?
- No, I want you to have it.
I ask for one thing, when
you get home wire me,
so I know you got home safe.
- Sarge, I'll write every day.
- Now where were we?
There he is, fast asleep,
old warrior Fender,
bless his heart.
Sleep Fender, sleep.
Eat, eat, eat old faithful eat.
I forgot what it
was like to be a G.I.
just a normal human being,
just a face in the crowd.
- Telegram for Sgt. Bilko.
- Yes of course.
Wait a minute, here you are.
- What is it Sarge?
- I don't know.
You have been chosen to
appear on the Ed Sullivan show.
Report at once to New York.
Sarge, you made it! You made it!
Was there ever any doubt?
Why are we standing around
here? I've missed 2 days rehearsals.
Where is my music?
I'm not packed and you're
stuffing your fat face?
Out! Up! Up!
Where is it, where is
my jeep? Fender! Fender!
What happened?
Why didn't you stay awake
get the jeep on the double.
The window! The window!
My throat, my throat, watch it!
To you I give all my love,
all of my love,
my love, my love.
Hey, that's pretty fine girls.
- Say Ed.
- Yes Johnny.
We worked out a finish
with this acrobatic act.
Would you like
to take a look at it?
Yes I would.
Fellows would you please
do it for Mr. Sullivan?
Hey that is terrific.
Do you know what
we could do Johnny?
Let's put them right in the
middle of the show for terrific sock.
We'll open up
with the drill team.
- Great idea Ed.
- Fine fellows.
That's the Feet G.I. Joe.
That's perfect for time.
Ed you remember these fellows?
Yeah, you fellows were
on our show before.
Yes, Mr. Sullivan we with you
before we went into the Army.
I knew it.
Yeah we were Tap,
Stomp, and Slide.
Well, I'm glad you slid
right back to us, I really do.
Wait a minute, wait a
minute fellows, too loud.
A little softer, my
orchestra has to be heard,
I've got relatives
listening too.
Listen now you G.Is don't
mind what the maestro says
because anything that
can drown out his music
is fine for the show.
Ray, how is the music?
Almost ready, Sid will you
finish that arrangement please.
- Yes, Mr. Bloch.
- Well, I'll tell you what Johnny.
Suppose you take over
because Marlo and I
are going to be working
on next week's show.
Excuse me Ed but
I'm continually amazed.
At what?
Well, I thought we had
teamwork in the Army,
but the way this show is
organized is miraculous.
Well, thank you Captain,
you know it's been suggested
the reason we stayed
9 years on the air
is because this is
a well-oiled team.
Actually it goes
deeper than that.
This whole thing is
based on friendship.
I was telling Eddie Brinkmann,
our stage manager, this morning
that I don't think we've
had a cross word in 9 years.
That's right.
Well, I've never
seen a happier team.
Well actually it has to be
that way because you know,
one monkey wrench in
our operation and voom,
the show goes
right out the window.
Just one monkey wrench.
I'm here, I'm here.
Why wasn't there anybody
to meet me at the plane?
Oh cut! Cut! Cut!
That number is out. You'll
be in my number Granada.
Your number? Yes,
isn't anything arranged?
What? No organization?
Where's Ed? Ed? Where's Ed?
Ed, where is he? Ed?
Yes, Ed Sullivan.
Oh good heavens,
he must be at the
airport waiting for me.
Here, here's a dime,
I want you to call him.
Tell him Bilko is
here. He'll understand.
Bilko?
Now we have to...
where is the other fellow?
Well, just don't stand there,
you see a Sergeant
holding a bag, look alive.
Cut! Cut!
- That number is out.
- Out?
Get up in Granada with
some till on the
toe the greco stuff.
I'll show you what we do later.
You're working on my number.
- Cut! Cut!
- What's the matter?
- This number is out?
- The number is out?
Yes, it's not Granada.
- Granada?
- Granada is not on the program.
- Oh good heavens,
another typical
Ed Sullivan mess.
Thank heavens I thought of
bringing my own arrangement.
- Pass it out to the boys.
- But...
In the middle part
you notice a high C;
I may have to be covered.
- What is it Corporal?
- Yes, Sergeant.
All right, you've
got your parts and...
Hold it! Hold it!
- What is this?
- What's going on?
Well, you see this number
I'm working with the boys,
they gave me some curls
to sing with but I'm working.
They're going to be all right.
And...
What is it? What is this?
This isn't the number
they're supposed to sing.
Well, they had some
silly soldier number
rehearsed with a
mishmash arrangement.
I thought this
would give it a spark.
I don't believe I've
had the pleasure.
- I'm the arranger.
- The arranger?
Don't tell me I'm face
to face with the great...
- Sidney Milnick.
- Sidney Milnick.
Well, it's like saying hello
to the great Beethoven.
Oh please Sarge.
Oh no don't say oh
please, don't be modest.
Back in Kansas do you know
what we call this show, Milnick Time?
Well, I don't think we've
time to make the changes.
You see Mr. Bloch
wouldn't permit this.
Mr. Bloch? Bloch?
Bloch? What Bloch?
Our conductor, Mr. Ray Bloch.
Oh yes, Ray Bloch, the parasite.
We refer to him in the
music world as the parasite.
Now what is your problem?
Yes, well, well,
he's a very fine...
Fine what? What does
he do that's so fine?
He stands in front of an
orchestra and waves his arms.
Any sailor can do the same thing
and send messages
at the same time.
Here's what I want.
Well, I never quite
thought of it that way.
No, no, here's the
way you must look at it.
Take away Milnick, the heart
of the Ray Bloch orchestra,
what have you got?
20 men and a stick,
isn't that so? Yeah.
I thought, now in this
Granada, but just a suggestion,
some fiddles, nice, you
know the Milnick touch.
The Milnick touch.
Oh but what's the
use of us talking,
Ray Bloch will never
hold still for this.
- Why not - Why not?
Isn't it obvious,
people will start asking
who makes those
great arrangements;
the name Milnick
will torture him.
Milnick, Milnick,
he doesn't like that.
Oh he won't, give me that
music, let him try to refuse.
Go get him Sidney
boy, that's the...
Hold it! Hold it!
Why are you doing my notes?
You have a part here.
Read your part, please... and.
Cut!
What are you, are you rehearsing
in an entrance to an alley?
- What is this?
- A Spanish song?
Well, of course it's...
No, it's a Hungarian polka.
Of course.
What's a Spanish song
doing on an Army show?
Well, I thought it
would be a special treat
for the Ed Sullivan fans
instead of those drab numbers
this idiot director
keeps giving him.
You understand? Why
am I telling this to you?
- I'm John Wray.
- He's John Wray.
- The director.
- You...
- Sergeant you're crying.
- You must excuse me.
How often am I face
to face with genius?
- Oh, come now Sergeant.
- No, I can see it now.
I see that brain of
yours twilling around
the imaginative mind.
I see it going, gypsy girls,
castanets, Spanish three strings.
But Sullivan wants
to do an Army show.
Well, of course he does.
I can understand why
to give you half a chance
to put a production, you
know what happened.
How long are you going
to have your hands tied?
My hands tied?
Yes, what else
could you call it?
Your hands tied, here you
come up with a brilliant idea
for production and what
does he want you to do,
some silly drill
number I suppose?
Don't you see his
thinking? Don't you see it?
Don't let Hollywood see
what John Wray can do.
- It's pretty obvious, isn't it?
- Yeah.
Oh I can see your brain going,
your brain is going a
mile a minute, isn't it?
All Spanish numbers, castanets,
bull fighters in the background.
And a real bull. Do you
hear what genius brain?
Just like that, a real bull.
Thank you very
much but forget it,
Mr. Sullivan will
never allow it?
What's Sullivan
got to say about it?
There's going to be
changes, costumes...
Go tell him Johnny.
- Hold it.
- Hold up!
We must be rehearsing
in an empty lot.
- Now what is it?
- Who is Sgt. Bilko?
I am Sgt. Bilko.
What did you tell my arranger?
He took a swing at me.
- You must be Ray Bloch.
- I am?
But how was I to know,
I mean, it doesn't seem.
- Would you turn around please?
- Turn around?
Yes, so I can see
the back of your head.
Well, of course,
now I recognize you.
It was very obvious
too why we only see
the back of your
head on the program.
Your face has a little
too much warmth,
a little too much charm
to suit Mr. Sullivan.
He can't compete
with it, can he?
- My face?
- Yes, your face.
I can think of another conductor
whose face we never saw.
His back was
always on the camera.
One day he turned
to all the camera
Lawrence Welk!
Lawrence Welk?
This is the song he
made his first hit with.
Granada I have the very
same arrangement right here.
Oh I couldn't do that
now. It's too late to do that.
Mr. Sullivan wouldn't allow it.
Excuse me, would you
say that again please?
- I couldn't do it at this time.
- No, I mean the last part.
Mr. Sullivan wouldn't allow it.
Good heavens,
if I didn't hear it
with my own ears, I'd
never have believed it.
Mr. Sullivan wouldn't
allow it indeed.
Do you know what we call
the show back in Kansas?
Ray Bloch Festival Time.
- Ray Bloch festival.
Well, of course the show
is 99% music, isn't it?
- Yes.
- Who handles that music?
- I do.
- Of course.
What does Mr. Sullivan do,
he announces the numbers.
He's just an announcer.
Oh come now, he's
more than an announcer.
Well, perhaps I missed
1 or 2 of the show.
What does he sing a
few songs once in a while?
- No.
- Is he funny?
- Does he tell a joke?
- No.
Or perhaps I missed, he's
a dancer, he's a hoofer?
- Oh no.
- What does he do?
Well, I guess
Granada is out now.
Give me that music,
we're doing Granada.
On no, wait a second;
Mr. Sullivan will never stand for that.
No announcer is going
to tell me what to do.
Hold it! He's doing
it for spite now.
He's taking my note...
So for next week's show, we
want to build it around Olivier,
Vivian Lee, Rex Harrison, Julie
Andrews the all the English stars.
- Sounds just great Ed.
- Uh huh.
- This should make a good show.
- That's probably England now.
Hello, 43 Spanish costumes?
No, I didn't order any. No.
Johnny Wray couldn't
have ordered them.
We're doing an
Army show next week.
How do you like that,
Spanish costumes here.
Say Ed, do you want me to
see if David Niven's in New York.
Oh he'd be wonderful.
He'd be wonderful.
Johnny some crackpot
just called up and said
you wanted Spanish costumes,
I told them it was a mistake.
He didn't make a mistake.
I made the mistake 9 years
ago when I went to work for you.
What's the matter with you?
You know what's the matter
with me trying to hold me down.
Trying to keep Hollywood
from finding out what I can do.
- Bilko was right. Bilko?
It took 9 years but
Bilko opened my eyes.
Johnny! What's wrong with him?
I don't know Ed.
Would you check
right away please?
I certainly will. Astounding!
Hi Ray, have you seen Johnny,
he seems to be awfully
sore about something.
- Take a good look at this face.
- Face?
You've seen a lot
of it, haven't you?
- Well, naturally.
- Well, nobody else has.
For 9 years on this show
all they've seen is
the back of my head.
Is everybody in this
place going crazy?
Not crazy, just
stupid. Bilko was right.
Now Ray baby...
Don't Ray baby me you announcer!
Did you find out what's wrong?
Yes, I found out,
9 years too late.
Marlo, not you.
Don't Marlo me you parasite
living off my talent for 9 years.
- Bilko was right.
- Bilko?
I better get down there
and find out myself.
Bilko, our new
CBS Vice President,
I'll take care of him.
Hold it! Hold it!
Cut! Marlo!
- Yes Sergeant.
- You promised me real fruit.
- I'm sorry.
Now please watch
that, will you please?
Hold it! Hold it!
You were supposed to
come in on the exact beat.
Johnny if you can't do it, get
me somebody, will you please?
Give me one more
chance and I'll...
Watch it Johnny baby, watch it.
All right, I got it Ernie.
All right.
Hold it You're
not oh really Ray?
Oh fellas, let's do it right.
I don't want, just
give me some support.
Hold it! Hold it!
Buddy this is a
private rehearsal.
What are you doing
here? Wait hold it!
Now just a minute,
Marlo no relatives please.
- Oh no, I'm on the show.
- Oh are you?
You must be that gypsy
knife thrower we hired.
You've kept 40 people waiting;
your agent said you
had your own knives.
I wish I had them with me.
- Marlo, troublemaker.
- Troublemaker?
- So, you must be Bilko.
- Well of course and you?
I'm Ed Sullivan.
What did I do? What did I say?
It's what you said.
It's the way you said it.
There you are the
idol of all America.
The No.1 television
star takes time out
to talk to a lowly soldier
and very humbly say,
- "I am Ed Sullivan."
- Thank you.
Sgt. you've really
taken over, haven't you?
Take... me take over
from the great Ziegfield...
I mean the great Sullivan.
I'm always making that mistake.
- Now what's that Sgt.
- Look at him standing there.
There he is, Mr. Sunday
Night, the star maker,
what am I, a lump of clay.
That's all take me, mold me!
Mold me!
- Later when we go outside.
- Now what goes on here?
I don't know what
you're doing, look Flo,
I mean Ed we're doing the...
- Quiet!
- Yes, all right.
Marlo, Johnny Wray, I don't want
a Spanish number on the show.
It's going the way we said it.
I don't want that. I
don't want it now!
- Yeah, yeah!
- Get him a hat!
With bells! With bells!
- He wants a hat with bells.
- What am I doing here?
- Quiet! Quiet!
- Quiet on the set.
Now Bilko, I just heard your
idea, now I want you to hear mine.
Quiet on the set,
this is a television first!
Sullivan has an idea, listen.
Now in the first place...
Thank you ladies and
gentlemen, you are about to see
a very colorful and
exciting service show.
Unfortunately, we had to
postpone the Army show
because I ran
into a little trouble.
But I have air expressed
the trouble back
to the State of Kansas.
So tonight, the
night here is a tribute
to another great
branch of the services,
the United States navy.
So let me hear it for the...
Come on now, let me hear it!
Marlo! Marlo!
No, please don't do this.
Hey you fellows in
Kansas, I'm right here!