The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 13 - Mink Incorporated - full transcript
Bilko sets up a mink farm at Fort Baxter. All he has to do is get the mink to breed. When all attempts fail he enlists Doberman's help. Duane imitates the symptoms displayed by the mink to a doctor and Bilko soon realizes he's been conned.
Gentlemen, the
regular meeting of the
Company B 3rd Platoon Benevolent
Association is now in session.
Pvt. Kadowski, our recording
secretary will read the minutes
of the last meeting,
Pvt. Kadowski.
The meeting was called to
order by the chairman, Sgt. Bilko.
The treasurer's report was read
by the treasurer, Pvt. Doberman
who under severe questioning
revealed the fact that
Sgt. Bilko without authority
had appropriated a $100
from the platoon treasury.
When order was restored,
Sgt. Bilko promised to give
an accounting of what happened
to the $100 at the next meeting.
Thank you.
Do I hear a motion
for adjournment?
Motion seconded, adjourned!
- We just started.
- What do you mean?
What is this?
Are we being
conducted by mob rule?
May I remind you gentlemen,
this is a democratic meeting
conducted on the
parliamentary rules of order?
Now you'll all have your say
but I insist we maintain order.
Now, let's do this
in an orderly fashion
any old business to discuss?
What happened to the $100?
Gentlemen, if you want
the chair to recognize you,
ask for recognition
by raising your hand.
Mr. Chairman.
Who's that? I hear a voice
Oh yes, Pvt. Paparelli,
the chair recognizes you.
Now isn't this a more
orderly way of doing things?
- Yes.
- What happened to the $100?
- You're out of order.
- What do you mean out of order?
That's new business.
We were discussing old business.
- Oh.
- But don't feel bad.
How else would you know
parliamentary procedure
if I didn't have to mildly
chastise you, you understand?
- Now, anything old to discuss?
- Anything new?
Mr. Chairman.
I hear a voice, now
who is that asking me?
Pvt. Paparelli, the
chair recognizes you.
What happened to the $100?
You're out of order, that's
old business, anybody else?
What do you mean old business?
Old business because
you brought it up
during new business, didn't you?
- Yeah.
Then it's old business now.
No, I don't want
these rabble-rousing.
Take a vote, I'll
resign as chairman.
Take a vote, go on...
All right, all those in favor
of adjournment say aye,
all those opposed say no.
- No!
The meeting is adjourned.
It was an lovely meeting.
I thought it went very well.
- What do you mean?
- Sarge, Sarge, Sarge!
- What is it?
- What happened to the $100?
Please you should have
brought that up during the meeting.
- I can't have anything...
- Never mind razzle-dazzle.
Yeah, give it to us straight.
Sarge, we had $400 in the
treasury, we only got $300 now.
- What happened to the $100?
- What happened to the $100?
- Anything could happen to $100.
- Well, let's pinpoint it.
What happened to this $100?
- Oh you mean this $100?
- Yes.
Well, let me, well,
it's a long story.
You see, it all started...
How did it end?
The horse lost.
- Oh.
- He blew it on a horse!
He did it again.
Look, look, fellows
please it was 100 to 1,
it would have meant
$10,000 for the platoon.
How long do you want to
go on being just poor slobs?
We still got $300
in the treasury.
Say, we have $300. Eureka!
We'll merge with US Steel.
Jerk, what are you with $300?
A bunch of poor slobs
who last week had $400.
Oh come on.
And you're not
getting any more of us.
Stay away from him Doberman.
Some treasurer, letting
him talking you out of $100.
Look, he came to
me with a story...
Just a moment, you
answer to nobody.
I won't have this man
penalized just for having faith,
and confidence in his leader.
His confidence
cost us 100 clams.
Have no more
whining. I won't have it.
This is a man with integrity
and don't think to my dying day
I won't appreciate
your confidence.
Let me assure you Doberman,
every penny of that $100
will be returned to you.
- Every penny?
Yes, and here's
one to start with.
Do you know what I'll
say in the next meeting?
I'll say, "Here's your
$100," and I'll throw it
right in their face and say,
"Here's your pound of flesh."
When one of my
schemes hit I'll tell them,
"Don't come crowding
around my Jaguar whining,
'Sarge, aren't we
in on it with you? ""
I'll tell them, "Don't come
paddling out to my yacht screaming,
'Remember us Sarge?
"" How does that sound?
- Good Sarge.
- That's a great idea Sarge.
Except, where are you
going to get the $100
to throw in their faces?
Details, details.
I'll run a dance.
But that Mambo Band is looking
for you from the last dance.
Details, still details.
What do I need?
A measly $100, I'll
do what any other
American businessman does.
I'll go to the bank
and borrow it.
They know me there.
- They certainly do.
As soon as you walk
in, the alarm goes off.
Oh heavens to bubbly boo!
We are funny today, aren't we?
Why don't think of
something constructive.
There must be
millions of opportunities
for industrious young man.
Look in the magazine.
Hey, you're right
Sarge, look at these ads,
"Tired of dull dreary,
every day job?
Learn meat cutting."
Not for me, I look
terrible in a straw hat.
Opportunity and
adventure be a tree surgeon.
Oh stop knocking,
those are no good.
You've got to have
money to invest,
or you've got to learn a trade.
- Not this one.
- What?
No experience necessary,
no capital needed.
No capital needed,
that's for us.
Laugh at financial worries.
See, see, if you look
around, you find things.
Laugh at financial worries;
join the United States Army...
- Hey Sarge.
- What?
Look at this page here,
Mrs. E.J. Perkins of
Little Falls, Idaho says,
"I made $5,000 in my backyard."
- $5,000 in a backyard?
- Sarge, she raised mink.
Oh mink.
Yeah, listen, "My
husband laughed at me
when I asked him for $300
to buy a pair of breeding mink.
Today he's working for me."
- That's funny.
Yeah, listen, "Let me
sell you a pair of mink,
so you too can reap a fortune."
Hey Sarge.
What are you looking at?
- Our backyard.
- Our backyard?
Yes, how many
acres on Fort Baxter?
- 2,500.
- 2,500?
- Sarge, you're not thinking...
- Why not?
Look what she
did in her backyard.
Imagine what we'll do
with the space we got.
We're going to raise
mink at an army post?
Why didn't I think
of this before?
Fellows, this, do you
know what's going on
in the civilian world?
They're mink mad.
I'm telling you mad!
You think we're on
the gold standard?
No, sorry boy, we're
on the mink standard.
- The mink standard?
- Yes.
Look, what does every woman want
more than anything in the world?
A mink. What does a man want?
A woman. How does
a man get a woman?
With a mink.
Sarge, how are we
going to raise them?
Raise them? They
raise themselves.
What does every mink want
more than anything in the world?
A mink. It's a cinch.
Sarge, how are we going to
compete with those big mink firms?
Compete? They'll
be competing with us.
We got free land.
We get free food
from the Mess Hall.
We've got free labor
with our platoon.
They may stage a little slavery
vote, but it's a clear profit.
Sarge, where are you
going to get the $300,
to buy a pair of mink?
Oh.
Doberman.
Oh Sarge, you're not
going to get the $300...
I'm going to make those
jerks rich in spite of themselves.
Take a letter.
Now what's the
woman's name, Perkins?
Mrs. E. J. Perkins,
Little Falls, Idaho.
Dear Madam, please enclosed
$300 for a pair of breeding mink
as stated in your ad. Come in.
Did you call me Sarge?
Come in Doberman, come here.
But Sarge, the
fellows told me not to...
The fellows?
I don't want the
fellows, I want you.
Come in, close
the door, come in.
Come in. Come, come.
- What do you want Sarge?
- I can't hear you.
- What do you want Sarge?
- You know.
No. I won't do it.
- Oh yes you will.
- Not one cent.
You talked me out
of $100 the last time.
- You're all right Dobey.
- But this time I'm wise.
In a time they'll
be making profit.
You're going to
push me just so far,
the fellows trusted
me with that money.
They told me you were
going to talk me out of it...
Another boy can do it.
But this time it won't work.
You're up against the stonewall.
Do you hear? A stonewall!
- In there.
- The whole $300?
Hmm.
That's what I like,
a man with initiative.
Has a decision to
make and he makes it.
Doberman.
Yes, so boys you can keep
your college bred yes man,
give me somebody with
that old Yankee knowhow.
Do you know how
to mail a letter?
- Yes.
- Mail it.
- Sarge.
- What?
What is it this time?
We're going to have a mink farm.
- A mink farm.
- Will you let me worry about it?
Sarge, they'll tear
me to pieces out there.
No they won't, you'll be a hero.
Let me handle them
and say nothing to them.
I'll do it now go and mail
the letter little financier.
At it boy. Boys, we're home...
Sarge, the motor
platoon is in now,
how are you going to talk them
into one of your idea of yours?
An idea of mine?
I'm going to let them
talk me into their idea.
Look, if they want to start a
mink farm, I can't stop them.
What is this, come on,
move. Let's work around here.
- Sarge.
- What is it?
What did you do to
Doberman in there?
He walked out here whimpering
like he'd just been whipped.
Now believe me, he
should been whipped,
coming in there with
that stupid idea of his,
what to do with the $300.
What was his idea,
to give it to you?
- No.
- Well, what was his idea?
- Well, why embarrass him?
- What was it?
All right, but laugh now,
but don't laugh in front of him.
I love him. I really do.
He's a little... he means well.
Wait till you hear this.
Don't make fun of him, promise.
Do you know what he
wants to do with the $300?
He wanted, he, he, he...
He wanted to take, he
wanted to take the $300
and buy a pair of breeding
mink and start a mink farm,
just because we got 2,500
acres, we get free food,
and he wanted to take...
But what is this?
What's the matter?
- It's not such a crazy idea.
- Oh come now.
Sarge, just because
you didn't think of it
doesn't make it a bad idea.
Fellows, are you
out of your mind?
You've got to have
space to raise minks.
We've got 2,500 acres.
Yeah, but what about food?
We get those scraps
from the Mess Hall.
- Yes.
- Oh no,
Fellows we've got to have
labor taking care of them.
We'll take care of them.
Fellows, am I the only sane
member here with 2 minks,
you're going to
do all these things?
In a few months you've got 12.
Yeah and then a
year you've got 1,000
1,000 minks, 200 mink coats.
And we can sell them
for $3,000 a piece.
Wow that's $600,000.
And it only cost us $300.
We're rich! We're rich!
Fellows, am I only, the only
sane member in this group
but may I remind you, I have
some money invested too.
Let's take it to a vote; all
those in favor of mink say aye.
Aye!
All right fellows, we're
in the mink business.
Yes!
I'll run it like a
business organization.
I'll run the business and
make it a corporation.
I got it. I got the
name, Mink Inc.
The only mink born, and bred
under government supervision.
Yeah.
No other fur industry
can make this claim.
Emergency meeting,
emergency meeting come in
- Now, this carburetor...
- Sarge, what is it?
Quiet. Is the guard there?
Check.
All right, now
look, just got word,
Rocco and Henshaw
are at the railroad depot
and they'll be here any minute.
You mean they're
coming with the mink?
Listen to this and
listen very carefully.
I don't want that word
mentioned around here.
M I N K is taboo. You
don't say that word.
If they find out what we're up to,
do you know what can happen?
Our guests are to be
referred to from now on as
Mr. and Mrs. Cavanaugh.
Now who are we expecting?
- Mr. and Mrs. Cavanaugh.
- Right.
The minks.
Now, I'm warning you, if any
of you guys make this mistake,
you wipe that word
out of your mind.
Wipe it out of your mind like
you've wiped out other words
you know like work, soap,
bathing, duty, wipe it out.
Now who are we expecting?
- Mr. and Mrs. Cavanaugh.
- They don't look like much.
- Hey, they're cute.
And these they make coats?
Jake, what do you expect them
to come with buttons and sleeves?
Here it is men, the
foundation of our fortunes.
Hey Sarge, here are some
pamphlets that came with them.
Read, read up on everything
and Dillingham, how about food?
Right here Sarge.
They would come when we
have chipped beef on toast.
Well, if it's good enough for
us, it's good enough for them.
Eat you little rascals, you
little money makers eat.
What's wrong with them?
- Sarge, they're not touching it.
They're smarter than us already.
Eat! Eat! Come
on this is the army.
You're not at Toots Shor's.
You'll be at Toots
Shor's someday,
but you'll be on the
back of a debutante.
Eat! Eat!
- Sarge, they won't touch it.
- What's wrong with them?
They're not going
to get. Read it.
In captivity, mink flourish
on a diet of ground fish, tripe,
chicken heads, mineral...
- Hey, that sounds good.
Oh shut up! Don't say it.
Just write it out so I can get
it over to our company cook.
What's wrong with
them. They're not even...
Look we've got a big schedule
for you Mrs. Cavanaugh.
We want 1,000
Cavanaughs in a year.
Come on now, let's...
Why are they
separated? What's wrong?
Sarge, there's a
door between them.
Get it open.
Come on you little
lovebirds, mingle!
Mingle! Don't crowd around them.
Give me that list.
I'll get it over to
the mess sergeant.
From now on this
is called lovers lane.
Get friendly! Friendly!
Well, well, Mess Sgt. Ritzik,
the Picasso of
the pots and pans.
What do you want Bilko?
Why do you always say want?
It has never occurred to
you I may be in here to give?
No. Come on what is it Bilko?
- I'm busy.
- I saw your wife downtown today.
Lucky you.
Yeah, she was standing
in front of a fur shop,
gazing plaintively
at the mink coats.
Why not?
She looks at mink coats,
I look at Marilyn Monroe.
- We both got the same chance.
- I wouldn't say that.
No Sir. I happen to
have inside information,
somebody is going to
give your wife a mink coat.
- My wife?
- Yes, sir your wife.
- You've got the wrong woman.
- No, no, no, your wife.
Oh, you, who's
going to give my wife
with the curls and
with the big chin.
Your wife is going
to get a mink coat.
Just a minute, some guy is
going to give my wife a mink coat?
- Yes sir.
- Now tell me who it is.
Now, I'm not
jealous, I'm curious.
Well, I'll tell you.
I am going to give
your wife a mink coat.
- You?
- Me, and I'll put it in writing.
A mink coat?
Yes and it won't
cost you anything.
- Free?
- For free except for one thing.
- I knew it.
- Don't be a jerk.
Now this is practically no risk.
I knew it.
Now listen to me, all
you've got to do, once a day,
for a year just cook up this
recipe, no questions asked.
- And my wife?
- Gets a mink coat.
- Let me see this.
- Here it is.
Ground fish,
tripe, mineral oil...
Don't say it, just cook it.
Chicken heads, spleen, livers,
must be Doberman's birthday.
- What is it?
- Sarge, look.
Let me count. 1, 2... 2?
We had 2, 10 minutes ago.
Sarge, the Cavanaughs, they are
not even speaking to each other.
They're still in
their own cages.
They won't go near
each other Sarge.
Why not, I don't blame them,
everybody gaping at them,
everybody acting nervous.
Animals feel these vibrations.
Fellows, what do you
say we knock off for today.
Let's not come back here
till tomorrow morning, right?
All right fellows; let's knock
off, goodnight everybody.
Turn off the lights.
We'll be gone all night.
There will be nobody here.
- What happened?
- Nothing.
Fellows, I think we're
stuck with a pair of brothers.
Oh no.
Rocco what does it
say in the pamphlet?
Well, there's nothing
in the index under love.
Look under breeding.
Oh here, the mating
season for mink occurs
principally during March
and lasts through spring.
Spring and here
we are in November.
You mean we've got till spring.
Got a hunch spring will
come a little early this year.
What do you mean Sarge?
Not in front of them.
We've got to make
them think it's spring.
Now here's what I
want, I want bird calls,
I want greenery, I want flowers.
I want an Easter eggroll.
I want, well fellows what do
you say we cut off for a while.
So long everybody.
My, the weather is
turning warmer, isn't it?
Hey, tell Bilko his stuff
is ready in the kitchen.
Fry them and tell
them to get out of here.
Listen; geez I lost 6
K.P.s just making this stuff.
- Now this is our kitchen.
- Attention.
At ease, Gen. Parker just
dropped in for an inspection.
I knew it.
No food is served to my
men unless I taste it first.
I knew it.
Ladle.
Yes sir.
- Good.
- Thank you, sir.
- Good.
- Thank you, sir.
What is it Colonel?
Nothing, nothing.
Have you seen our infirmary?
- No.
- Follow me General.
I knew it.
Anything at all?
Nothing, let's try another poem.
All right.
Tis spring, tis spring, the
lovers' season when fire,
and passion know no reason.
When apple blossoms fill the air
and the lover's heart
is free from care.
Tis spring, tis
spring, tis, cut...
Tis hopeless.
Now look you two,
what do you want?
It's spring; it's been
spring for 3 weeks now.
I played you Jackie Gleason's
album, Music for Lovers Only.
I've read you poems.
I sprayed Mrs. Cavanaugh with
12 different kinds of perfumes.
It's all romantic around here,
3 of the platoons got engaged.
Come on, get friendly.
Nod to each other.
Sarge, why don't
you take it easy?
Take it easy, these 2 antisocial
beasts that costing us a fortune.
Look, Mrs. Cavanaugh,
come on, wink, get up,
show him a leg, do something.
And you Mr. Cavanaugh
face it. You're only a mink.
You're not going
to do any better.
Oh Sarge, give up.
Sarge, you may have
fooled 3 of the platoon.
But you're not fooling them.
They know it isn't spring.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
We've got have patience,
we got to wait till spring.
Come on let's get out of here.
Hey, hey bunny rabbit.
Forget it, they know.
Come on.
Look boys, we've got to face it.
We've got to have patience.
That's what it says in
every book on mink raising,
patience and chicken heads.
But Sarge, it's been
a month already.
So what?
You saw what
happened to that lady.
Didn't you? Did she give up?
She had 2 minks in her own
backyard, she raised $5,000.
They must have dug
down and struck oil for her.
No, they didn't.
They did what all minks
do for their owners,
made them millionaires.
Sarge! Sarge! Mrs. Cavanaugh.
What about Mrs. Cavanaugh?
She's just lying down
making funny noises.
This may be it.
This may be a way of asking
for pickles and ice cream.
Boys, I think spring has sprung.
Where is, where
is the little mother?
Sarge, look.
Fender, you have 7 children,
did your wife make
these kind of noises?
Sarge, you've got
a sick mink there.
Yeah, hey fellows,
we've got to get a doctor.
Sarge, are you nuts, you
can't bring a vet on this post.
How about our medical
officer Capt. Styles?
That's a brilliant idea.
All we've got to do is go
to an officer with a mink.
That's like knocking on the
guard house to say let us in.
Sarge, she's going fast.
Hey, Capt. Styles
not too bad an idea.
What do you mean? What we mean?
I think we've got somebody there
with the same symptoms as the mink
and he'll prescribe something
and we'll give it to the mink.
- Sarge, that's crazy.
- No it isn't at all.
All we've got to do is get a guy
emulate everything she's doing.
Now the noises and
everything, whatever medicine
he prescribes for this
fellow, we give to the...
Let me think.
Who in this platoon
looks most like a mink?
Oh, no, this time I
put my foot down...
Sgt. Bilko has an emergency.
- Bilko what is it?
- Capt. Styles, it's Doberman.
Bring him in boys,
bring him in boys.
- Heavens?
- We don't
know what happened.
He was in the motor pool,
suddenly he collapsed,
we thought it was a head cold.
But he wouldn't stop making
these strange noises, these noises.
Sir, could you prescribe
something for him?
Please, quiet.
Poor Doberman.
Sir, is it anything
very serious?
No, his heart, lungs,
pulse everything is normal.
- It's just that...
- What sir?
What is so fantastic, I
hesitate even to mention.
Oh, you can tell
us. We're all men sir.
Look, I've had
experience with this before.
Yes, sir.
Yes, but never in a human being.
Really, sir?
In medical school we had
occasion to work on animals.
Animals, sir?
We were conducting
experiments with mink.
Mink?
Doberman's symptoms are
exactly the same as those found in a
vericonis mink.
- Vericonis minks?
Now, that's a non-breeding mink.
Non-breeding sir, does this
mean Mrs. Cavanaugh can't,
I mean they don't
have babies, no childr...
That's right.
However it's not fatal.
Not fatal he says.
All right get
Doberman out of here.
Doberman.
Please let me break
it, Doberman face it.
You won't be a father.
There are other things in life.
I can't believe it.
Sir, the men were so interested
what you had to say about mink,
I mean these vericonis minks,
are they utterly worthless?
Oh, no. They're killed.
Their pelts bring as
high as $75 a piece.
Oh they do, sir? Thank
you very much sir.
He said we'll make $75.
How, how are they killed sir?
So their coats aren't harmed
they're usually gassed.
- Gassed?
- Yes, in an airtight chamber.
You mean like
our gas mask drill?
- It's the same principle.
- Oh, I see.
Thank you very much sir.
- Sir, is it painless?
- Oh yes, absolutely.
Thank you very much sir.
Friends, we are gathered
here to say goodbye
to our friends the Cavanaughs.
Though they have
been with us a short time,
we've grown to love them.
Oh come on, let's
get it over with.
Come on Rocco, turn on the gas.
- Not me.
- Henshaw go on.
- Not me.
- Paparelli?
- Sarge!
- Paparelli, that's an order.
Turn on the gas.
You, I knew you would.
Are you stupid?
You were going to kill
these little friends of ours,
weren't you?
Nobody is going to kill them.
There must be another way.
Sarge, there is no other way.
There has to... Wait a
minute, where's that ad?
Mrs. Perkins, look
at that honest face.
We'll send them back to her
and she'll send us another pair.
That's a great idea.
Sorry little friends
you're going back home.
Hello, hello.
Are you sure the
colonel is off the post.
Yes Sarge.
Hello, hello Mrs.
Perkins, this is Sgt. Bilko
you may remember you sold
me a pair of breeding mink.
Well, they didn't.
I thought Mrs. Perkins you
were doing an honest business,
we could send this pair back
to you, send us another pair.
What?
This is the only pair you have?
The only pair you ever had?
What are we going to do? I see.
Oh I see, thank you very much.
What are we going to do?
Just what she
did, take out an ad.
Yeah, put this in the paper,
"I made $5,000 in my
backyard says Sgt. Bilko,"
then put a picture of me.
Get one of my old
pictures before I was fat,
you know with the honest face,
with the dimples showing, honest...
You too can make a
fortune, add that to it.
Make it $8,000. I made $8,000.
Announcer: Also
seen is tonight's cast
Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik
and John Drake as Capt. Styles.
regular meeting of the
Company B 3rd Platoon Benevolent
Association is now in session.
Pvt. Kadowski, our recording
secretary will read the minutes
of the last meeting,
Pvt. Kadowski.
The meeting was called to
order by the chairman, Sgt. Bilko.
The treasurer's report was read
by the treasurer, Pvt. Doberman
who under severe questioning
revealed the fact that
Sgt. Bilko without authority
had appropriated a $100
from the platoon treasury.
When order was restored,
Sgt. Bilko promised to give
an accounting of what happened
to the $100 at the next meeting.
Thank you.
Do I hear a motion
for adjournment?
Motion seconded, adjourned!
- We just started.
- What do you mean?
What is this?
Are we being
conducted by mob rule?
May I remind you gentlemen,
this is a democratic meeting
conducted on the
parliamentary rules of order?
Now you'll all have your say
but I insist we maintain order.
Now, let's do this
in an orderly fashion
any old business to discuss?
What happened to the $100?
Gentlemen, if you want
the chair to recognize you,
ask for recognition
by raising your hand.
Mr. Chairman.
Who's that? I hear a voice
Oh yes, Pvt. Paparelli,
the chair recognizes you.
Now isn't this a more
orderly way of doing things?
- Yes.
- What happened to the $100?
- You're out of order.
- What do you mean out of order?
That's new business.
We were discussing old business.
- Oh.
- But don't feel bad.
How else would you know
parliamentary procedure
if I didn't have to mildly
chastise you, you understand?
- Now, anything old to discuss?
- Anything new?
Mr. Chairman.
I hear a voice, now
who is that asking me?
Pvt. Paparelli, the
chair recognizes you.
What happened to the $100?
You're out of order, that's
old business, anybody else?
What do you mean old business?
Old business because
you brought it up
during new business, didn't you?
- Yeah.
Then it's old business now.
No, I don't want
these rabble-rousing.
Take a vote, I'll
resign as chairman.
Take a vote, go on...
All right, all those in favor
of adjournment say aye,
all those opposed say no.
- No!
The meeting is adjourned.
It was an lovely meeting.
I thought it went very well.
- What do you mean?
- Sarge, Sarge, Sarge!
- What is it?
- What happened to the $100?
Please you should have
brought that up during the meeting.
- I can't have anything...
- Never mind razzle-dazzle.
Yeah, give it to us straight.
Sarge, we had $400 in the
treasury, we only got $300 now.
- What happened to the $100?
- What happened to the $100?
- Anything could happen to $100.
- Well, let's pinpoint it.
What happened to this $100?
- Oh you mean this $100?
- Yes.
Well, let me, well,
it's a long story.
You see, it all started...
How did it end?
The horse lost.
- Oh.
- He blew it on a horse!
He did it again.
Look, look, fellows
please it was 100 to 1,
it would have meant
$10,000 for the platoon.
How long do you want to
go on being just poor slobs?
We still got $300
in the treasury.
Say, we have $300. Eureka!
We'll merge with US Steel.
Jerk, what are you with $300?
A bunch of poor slobs
who last week had $400.
Oh come on.
And you're not
getting any more of us.
Stay away from him Doberman.
Some treasurer, letting
him talking you out of $100.
Look, he came to
me with a story...
Just a moment, you
answer to nobody.
I won't have this man
penalized just for having faith,
and confidence in his leader.
His confidence
cost us 100 clams.
Have no more
whining. I won't have it.
This is a man with integrity
and don't think to my dying day
I won't appreciate
your confidence.
Let me assure you Doberman,
every penny of that $100
will be returned to you.
- Every penny?
Yes, and here's
one to start with.
Do you know what I'll
say in the next meeting?
I'll say, "Here's your
$100," and I'll throw it
right in their face and say,
"Here's your pound of flesh."
When one of my
schemes hit I'll tell them,
"Don't come crowding
around my Jaguar whining,
'Sarge, aren't we
in on it with you? ""
I'll tell them, "Don't come
paddling out to my yacht screaming,
'Remember us Sarge?
"" How does that sound?
- Good Sarge.
- That's a great idea Sarge.
Except, where are you
going to get the $100
to throw in their faces?
Details, details.
I'll run a dance.
But that Mambo Band is looking
for you from the last dance.
Details, still details.
What do I need?
A measly $100, I'll
do what any other
American businessman does.
I'll go to the bank
and borrow it.
They know me there.
- They certainly do.
As soon as you walk
in, the alarm goes off.
Oh heavens to bubbly boo!
We are funny today, aren't we?
Why don't think of
something constructive.
There must be
millions of opportunities
for industrious young man.
Look in the magazine.
Hey, you're right
Sarge, look at these ads,
"Tired of dull dreary,
every day job?
Learn meat cutting."
Not for me, I look
terrible in a straw hat.
Opportunity and
adventure be a tree surgeon.
Oh stop knocking,
those are no good.
You've got to have
money to invest,
or you've got to learn a trade.
- Not this one.
- What?
No experience necessary,
no capital needed.
No capital needed,
that's for us.
Laugh at financial worries.
See, see, if you look
around, you find things.
Laugh at financial worries;
join the United States Army...
- Hey Sarge.
- What?
Look at this page here,
Mrs. E.J. Perkins of
Little Falls, Idaho says,
"I made $5,000 in my backyard."
- $5,000 in a backyard?
- Sarge, she raised mink.
Oh mink.
Yeah, listen, "My
husband laughed at me
when I asked him for $300
to buy a pair of breeding mink.
Today he's working for me."
- That's funny.
Yeah, listen, "Let me
sell you a pair of mink,
so you too can reap a fortune."
Hey Sarge.
What are you looking at?
- Our backyard.
- Our backyard?
Yes, how many
acres on Fort Baxter?
- 2,500.
- 2,500?
- Sarge, you're not thinking...
- Why not?
Look what she
did in her backyard.
Imagine what we'll do
with the space we got.
We're going to raise
mink at an army post?
Why didn't I think
of this before?
Fellows, this, do you
know what's going on
in the civilian world?
They're mink mad.
I'm telling you mad!
You think we're on
the gold standard?
No, sorry boy, we're
on the mink standard.
- The mink standard?
- Yes.
Look, what does every woman want
more than anything in the world?
A mink. What does a man want?
A woman. How does
a man get a woman?
With a mink.
Sarge, how are we
going to raise them?
Raise them? They
raise themselves.
What does every mink want
more than anything in the world?
A mink. It's a cinch.
Sarge, how are we going to
compete with those big mink firms?
Compete? They'll
be competing with us.
We got free land.
We get free food
from the Mess Hall.
We've got free labor
with our platoon.
They may stage a little slavery
vote, but it's a clear profit.
Sarge, where are you
going to get the $300,
to buy a pair of mink?
Oh.
Doberman.
Oh Sarge, you're not
going to get the $300...
I'm going to make those
jerks rich in spite of themselves.
Take a letter.
Now what's the
woman's name, Perkins?
Mrs. E. J. Perkins,
Little Falls, Idaho.
Dear Madam, please enclosed
$300 for a pair of breeding mink
as stated in your ad. Come in.
Did you call me Sarge?
Come in Doberman, come here.
But Sarge, the
fellows told me not to...
The fellows?
I don't want the
fellows, I want you.
Come in, close
the door, come in.
Come in. Come, come.
- What do you want Sarge?
- I can't hear you.
- What do you want Sarge?
- You know.
No. I won't do it.
- Oh yes you will.
- Not one cent.
You talked me out
of $100 the last time.
- You're all right Dobey.
- But this time I'm wise.
In a time they'll
be making profit.
You're going to
push me just so far,
the fellows trusted
me with that money.
They told me you were
going to talk me out of it...
Another boy can do it.
But this time it won't work.
You're up against the stonewall.
Do you hear? A stonewall!
- In there.
- The whole $300?
Hmm.
That's what I like,
a man with initiative.
Has a decision to
make and he makes it.
Doberman.
Yes, so boys you can keep
your college bred yes man,
give me somebody with
that old Yankee knowhow.
Do you know how
to mail a letter?
- Yes.
- Mail it.
- Sarge.
- What?
What is it this time?
We're going to have a mink farm.
- A mink farm.
- Will you let me worry about it?
Sarge, they'll tear
me to pieces out there.
No they won't, you'll be a hero.
Let me handle them
and say nothing to them.
I'll do it now go and mail
the letter little financier.
At it boy. Boys, we're home...
Sarge, the motor
platoon is in now,
how are you going to talk them
into one of your idea of yours?
An idea of mine?
I'm going to let them
talk me into their idea.
Look, if they want to start a
mink farm, I can't stop them.
What is this, come on,
move. Let's work around here.
- Sarge.
- What is it?
What did you do to
Doberman in there?
He walked out here whimpering
like he'd just been whipped.
Now believe me, he
should been whipped,
coming in there with
that stupid idea of his,
what to do with the $300.
What was his idea,
to give it to you?
- No.
- Well, what was his idea?
- Well, why embarrass him?
- What was it?
All right, but laugh now,
but don't laugh in front of him.
I love him. I really do.
He's a little... he means well.
Wait till you hear this.
Don't make fun of him, promise.
Do you know what he
wants to do with the $300?
He wanted, he, he, he...
He wanted to take, he
wanted to take the $300
and buy a pair of breeding
mink and start a mink farm,
just because we got 2,500
acres, we get free food,
and he wanted to take...
But what is this?
What's the matter?
- It's not such a crazy idea.
- Oh come now.
Sarge, just because
you didn't think of it
doesn't make it a bad idea.
Fellows, are you
out of your mind?
You've got to have
space to raise minks.
We've got 2,500 acres.
Yeah, but what about food?
We get those scraps
from the Mess Hall.
- Yes.
- Oh no,
Fellows we've got to have
labor taking care of them.
We'll take care of them.
Fellows, am I the only sane
member here with 2 minks,
you're going to
do all these things?
In a few months you've got 12.
Yeah and then a
year you've got 1,000
1,000 minks, 200 mink coats.
And we can sell them
for $3,000 a piece.
Wow that's $600,000.
And it only cost us $300.
We're rich! We're rich!
Fellows, am I only, the only
sane member in this group
but may I remind you, I have
some money invested too.
Let's take it to a vote; all
those in favor of mink say aye.
Aye!
All right fellows, we're
in the mink business.
Yes!
I'll run it like a
business organization.
I'll run the business and
make it a corporation.
I got it. I got the
name, Mink Inc.
The only mink born, and bred
under government supervision.
Yeah.
No other fur industry
can make this claim.
Emergency meeting,
emergency meeting come in
- Now, this carburetor...
- Sarge, what is it?
Quiet. Is the guard there?
Check.
All right, now
look, just got word,
Rocco and Henshaw
are at the railroad depot
and they'll be here any minute.
You mean they're
coming with the mink?
Listen to this and
listen very carefully.
I don't want that word
mentioned around here.
M I N K is taboo. You
don't say that word.
If they find out what we're up to,
do you know what can happen?
Our guests are to be
referred to from now on as
Mr. and Mrs. Cavanaugh.
Now who are we expecting?
- Mr. and Mrs. Cavanaugh.
- Right.
The minks.
Now, I'm warning you, if any
of you guys make this mistake,
you wipe that word
out of your mind.
Wipe it out of your mind like
you've wiped out other words
you know like work, soap,
bathing, duty, wipe it out.
Now who are we expecting?
- Mr. and Mrs. Cavanaugh.
- They don't look like much.
- Hey, they're cute.
And these they make coats?
Jake, what do you expect them
to come with buttons and sleeves?
Here it is men, the
foundation of our fortunes.
Hey Sarge, here are some
pamphlets that came with them.
Read, read up on everything
and Dillingham, how about food?
Right here Sarge.
They would come when we
have chipped beef on toast.
Well, if it's good enough for
us, it's good enough for them.
Eat you little rascals, you
little money makers eat.
What's wrong with them?
- Sarge, they're not touching it.
They're smarter than us already.
Eat! Eat! Come
on this is the army.
You're not at Toots Shor's.
You'll be at Toots
Shor's someday,
but you'll be on the
back of a debutante.
Eat! Eat!
- Sarge, they won't touch it.
- What's wrong with them?
They're not going
to get. Read it.
In captivity, mink flourish
on a diet of ground fish, tripe,
chicken heads, mineral...
- Hey, that sounds good.
Oh shut up! Don't say it.
Just write it out so I can get
it over to our company cook.
What's wrong with
them. They're not even...
Look we've got a big schedule
for you Mrs. Cavanaugh.
We want 1,000
Cavanaughs in a year.
Come on now, let's...
Why are they
separated? What's wrong?
Sarge, there's a
door between them.
Get it open.
Come on you little
lovebirds, mingle!
Mingle! Don't crowd around them.
Give me that list.
I'll get it over to
the mess sergeant.
From now on this
is called lovers lane.
Get friendly! Friendly!
Well, well, Mess Sgt. Ritzik,
the Picasso of
the pots and pans.
What do you want Bilko?
Why do you always say want?
It has never occurred to
you I may be in here to give?
No. Come on what is it Bilko?
- I'm busy.
- I saw your wife downtown today.
Lucky you.
Yeah, she was standing
in front of a fur shop,
gazing plaintively
at the mink coats.
Why not?
She looks at mink coats,
I look at Marilyn Monroe.
- We both got the same chance.
- I wouldn't say that.
No Sir. I happen to
have inside information,
somebody is going to
give your wife a mink coat.
- My wife?
- Yes, sir your wife.
- You've got the wrong woman.
- No, no, no, your wife.
Oh, you, who's
going to give my wife
with the curls and
with the big chin.
Your wife is going
to get a mink coat.
Just a minute, some guy is
going to give my wife a mink coat?
- Yes sir.
- Now tell me who it is.
Now, I'm not
jealous, I'm curious.
Well, I'll tell you.
I am going to give
your wife a mink coat.
- You?
- Me, and I'll put it in writing.
A mink coat?
Yes and it won't
cost you anything.
- Free?
- For free except for one thing.
- I knew it.
- Don't be a jerk.
Now this is practically no risk.
I knew it.
Now listen to me, all
you've got to do, once a day,
for a year just cook up this
recipe, no questions asked.
- And my wife?
- Gets a mink coat.
- Let me see this.
- Here it is.
Ground fish,
tripe, mineral oil...
Don't say it, just cook it.
Chicken heads, spleen, livers,
must be Doberman's birthday.
- What is it?
- Sarge, look.
Let me count. 1, 2... 2?
We had 2, 10 minutes ago.
Sarge, the Cavanaughs, they are
not even speaking to each other.
They're still in
their own cages.
They won't go near
each other Sarge.
Why not, I don't blame them,
everybody gaping at them,
everybody acting nervous.
Animals feel these vibrations.
Fellows, what do you
say we knock off for today.
Let's not come back here
till tomorrow morning, right?
All right fellows; let's knock
off, goodnight everybody.
Turn off the lights.
We'll be gone all night.
There will be nobody here.
- What happened?
- Nothing.
Fellows, I think we're
stuck with a pair of brothers.
Oh no.
Rocco what does it
say in the pamphlet?
Well, there's nothing
in the index under love.
Look under breeding.
Oh here, the mating
season for mink occurs
principally during March
and lasts through spring.
Spring and here
we are in November.
You mean we've got till spring.
Got a hunch spring will
come a little early this year.
What do you mean Sarge?
Not in front of them.
We've got to make
them think it's spring.
Now here's what I
want, I want bird calls,
I want greenery, I want flowers.
I want an Easter eggroll.
I want, well fellows what do
you say we cut off for a while.
So long everybody.
My, the weather is
turning warmer, isn't it?
Hey, tell Bilko his stuff
is ready in the kitchen.
Fry them and tell
them to get out of here.
Listen; geez I lost 6
K.P.s just making this stuff.
- Now this is our kitchen.
- Attention.
At ease, Gen. Parker just
dropped in for an inspection.
I knew it.
No food is served to my
men unless I taste it first.
I knew it.
Ladle.
Yes sir.
- Good.
- Thank you, sir.
- Good.
- Thank you, sir.
What is it Colonel?
Nothing, nothing.
Have you seen our infirmary?
- No.
- Follow me General.
I knew it.
Anything at all?
Nothing, let's try another poem.
All right.
Tis spring, tis spring, the
lovers' season when fire,
and passion know no reason.
When apple blossoms fill the air
and the lover's heart
is free from care.
Tis spring, tis
spring, tis, cut...
Tis hopeless.
Now look you two,
what do you want?
It's spring; it's been
spring for 3 weeks now.
I played you Jackie Gleason's
album, Music for Lovers Only.
I've read you poems.
I sprayed Mrs. Cavanaugh with
12 different kinds of perfumes.
It's all romantic around here,
3 of the platoons got engaged.
Come on, get friendly.
Nod to each other.
Sarge, why don't
you take it easy?
Take it easy, these 2 antisocial
beasts that costing us a fortune.
Look, Mrs. Cavanaugh,
come on, wink, get up,
show him a leg, do something.
And you Mr. Cavanaugh
face it. You're only a mink.
You're not going
to do any better.
Oh Sarge, give up.
Sarge, you may have
fooled 3 of the platoon.
But you're not fooling them.
They know it isn't spring.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
We've got have patience,
we got to wait till spring.
Come on let's get out of here.
Hey, hey bunny rabbit.
Forget it, they know.
Come on.
Look boys, we've got to face it.
We've got to have patience.
That's what it says in
every book on mink raising,
patience and chicken heads.
But Sarge, it's been
a month already.
So what?
You saw what
happened to that lady.
Didn't you? Did she give up?
She had 2 minks in her own
backyard, she raised $5,000.
They must have dug
down and struck oil for her.
No, they didn't.
They did what all minks
do for their owners,
made them millionaires.
Sarge! Sarge! Mrs. Cavanaugh.
What about Mrs. Cavanaugh?
She's just lying down
making funny noises.
This may be it.
This may be a way of asking
for pickles and ice cream.
Boys, I think spring has sprung.
Where is, where
is the little mother?
Sarge, look.
Fender, you have 7 children,
did your wife make
these kind of noises?
Sarge, you've got
a sick mink there.
Yeah, hey fellows,
we've got to get a doctor.
Sarge, are you nuts, you
can't bring a vet on this post.
How about our medical
officer Capt. Styles?
That's a brilliant idea.
All we've got to do is go
to an officer with a mink.
That's like knocking on the
guard house to say let us in.
Sarge, she's going fast.
Hey, Capt. Styles
not too bad an idea.
What do you mean? What we mean?
I think we've got somebody there
with the same symptoms as the mink
and he'll prescribe something
and we'll give it to the mink.
- Sarge, that's crazy.
- No it isn't at all.
All we've got to do is get a guy
emulate everything she's doing.
Now the noises and
everything, whatever medicine
he prescribes for this
fellow, we give to the...
Let me think.
Who in this platoon
looks most like a mink?
Oh, no, this time I
put my foot down...
Sgt. Bilko has an emergency.
- Bilko what is it?
- Capt. Styles, it's Doberman.
Bring him in boys,
bring him in boys.
- Heavens?
- We don't
know what happened.
He was in the motor pool,
suddenly he collapsed,
we thought it was a head cold.
But he wouldn't stop making
these strange noises, these noises.
Sir, could you prescribe
something for him?
Please, quiet.
Poor Doberman.
Sir, is it anything
very serious?
No, his heart, lungs,
pulse everything is normal.
- It's just that...
- What sir?
What is so fantastic, I
hesitate even to mention.
Oh, you can tell
us. We're all men sir.
Look, I've had
experience with this before.
Yes, sir.
Yes, but never in a human being.
Really, sir?
In medical school we had
occasion to work on animals.
Animals, sir?
We were conducting
experiments with mink.
Mink?
Doberman's symptoms are
exactly the same as those found in a
vericonis mink.
- Vericonis minks?
Now, that's a non-breeding mink.
Non-breeding sir, does this
mean Mrs. Cavanaugh can't,
I mean they don't
have babies, no childr...
That's right.
However it's not fatal.
Not fatal he says.
All right get
Doberman out of here.
Doberman.
Please let me break
it, Doberman face it.
You won't be a father.
There are other things in life.
I can't believe it.
Sir, the men were so interested
what you had to say about mink,
I mean these vericonis minks,
are they utterly worthless?
Oh, no. They're killed.
Their pelts bring as
high as $75 a piece.
Oh they do, sir? Thank
you very much sir.
He said we'll make $75.
How, how are they killed sir?
So their coats aren't harmed
they're usually gassed.
- Gassed?
- Yes, in an airtight chamber.
You mean like
our gas mask drill?
- It's the same principle.
- Oh, I see.
Thank you very much sir.
- Sir, is it painless?
- Oh yes, absolutely.
Thank you very much sir.
Friends, we are gathered
here to say goodbye
to our friends the Cavanaughs.
Though they have
been with us a short time,
we've grown to love them.
Oh come on, let's
get it over with.
Come on Rocco, turn on the gas.
- Not me.
- Henshaw go on.
- Not me.
- Paparelli?
- Sarge!
- Paparelli, that's an order.
Turn on the gas.
You, I knew you would.
Are you stupid?
You were going to kill
these little friends of ours,
weren't you?
Nobody is going to kill them.
There must be another way.
Sarge, there is no other way.
There has to... Wait a
minute, where's that ad?
Mrs. Perkins, look
at that honest face.
We'll send them back to her
and she'll send us another pair.
That's a great idea.
Sorry little friends
you're going back home.
Hello, hello.
Are you sure the
colonel is off the post.
Yes Sarge.
Hello, hello Mrs.
Perkins, this is Sgt. Bilko
you may remember you sold
me a pair of breeding mink.
Well, they didn't.
I thought Mrs. Perkins you
were doing an honest business,
we could send this pair back
to you, send us another pair.
What?
This is the only pair you have?
The only pair you ever had?
What are we going to do? I see.
Oh I see, thank you very much.
What are we going to do?
Just what she
did, take out an ad.
Yeah, put this in the paper,
"I made $5,000 in my
backyard says Sgt. Bilko,"
then put a picture of me.
Get one of my old
pictures before I was fat,
you know with the honest face,
with the dimples showing, honest...
You too can make a
fortune, add that to it.
Make it $8,000. I made $8,000.
Announcer: Also
seen is tonight's cast
Joe E. Ross as Sgt. Ritzik
and John Drake as Capt. Styles.